It’s summer holiday time! For non-horsey people, this means drinking margaritas on a sandy beach while reading trashy magazines. But for us horse owners, it means staring sadly at photos of our equine companion (let’s call her Blossom) on our iPhone and wondering if we can risk getting out our blindingly white legs (they haven’t been out of breeches all year) without dazzling everyone else round the pool. Sigh!
If this sounds familar, you’ll also know that you’ll miss your horse because…
1. It’s the competition season! OK, so your partner/friend/mum was probably right that those £99 flights to Magaluf were an absolute bargain, but it means you’re missing that show you’ve been looking forward to for ages, and you know you’d totally have cleaned up this time. You and Blossom were so ready for it.
2. Nobody can look after your horse like you can. You’ll probably come home to find she’s got thrush, or strangles, or some other terrifyingly Mediaeval-sounding disease. Deep down you know this isn’t really true, but you still worry about it.
3. You’ve got a really important competition coming up. She’s bound to lose all fitness and muscle tone in the week that you’re away. She’ll just be a shapeless, untoned, unrideable blob by the time you get back. Damn it, why haven’t horses evolved enough to use mobile phones yet? You’d feel so much better about leaving her if only you could talk to her every day. Hang on, perhaps this new app might help?
4. Your horse gets you. For some unfathomable reason, your partner/friend/mum keeps changing the subject to Kerry Katona and the latest celebrity gossip every time you try and start up a conversation about William Fox-Pitt’s chances at Burghley. It’s just rude, frankly. Blossom would never treat you like that.
5. Horse kisses. OK, so some people might say ‘reaching over to take a Polo out of your hand’, but to you they’re a ‘horse kiss’ and you’re sticking to that.
But on the other hand, perhaps you won’t miss…
1. Getting up early every morning. A lie-in once in a while is a beautiful thing, although you wouldn’t want one every day.
2. Not wanting to risk a hangover because you’re riding early next morning. You can drink as many Vodkatinis as you want, for once. Hic!
3. Mucking out, poo picking, in fact anything and everything poo-based, basically. Everyone needs a break from poo once in a while.
Like this? You might also enjoy reading these:
14 things your horse does when you’re running late
Farting in dressage tests — and 5 more ways your horse is sure to embarrass you
4. Cracked hands and chipped nails. You can get a manicure in the hotel spa, safe in the knowledge you won’t immediately chip the polish trying to prise open a supplement tub. It’s the ultimate luxury for the horsey person.
5. The opportunity to get those milky white legs brown and make all your horsey friends jealous. Now’s your chance. Seize it! Although in fact, no-one will actually see them once you get home because you’ll be straight back in your breeches.
