Dear diary,
First of all, I wanted to start with a massive thank you to all of you who have rushed online and bought both my new book and my new merchandise. I understand it’s flying off the shelves faster than toilet roll in the early days of the human strangles pandemic, which is absolutely awesome.
Firstly, because all the money (every single penny) goes to an incredible charity who are already starting to see cases rising as the cost of living crisis deepens AND secondly, it means across the land some people are going to be getting the most awesome Christmas presents ever conceived.
If you haven’t yet bought the loved person in your life a gift, just imagine them sitting reading my new book, sipping tea from one of my new mugs while writing their recommendation for my knighthood with their new Hovis pen in their new Hovis notebook. They can then drop the letter into their nifty new Hovis tote bag, pick up their keys, which are secure on their new Hovis keyring, and tootle off to the Post Office to post it. Can you see that? You can, can’t you? Why John Lewis doesn’t hire me to do their Christmas adverts is totally beyond me…
It’s also guilt-free shopping because when you’re buying things from a charity, it doesn’t count. Sort of like when I steal mum’s sandwich and it’s then calorie-free – which come to think of it means I should take the size of her arse to mean mother doesn’t steal anything…
If you haven’t yet ordered my amazing gift offerings, there’s still more than enough time to do so. And for my international fans, if you speak to Bransby (as in give them a quick call), they will ship anywhere in the world. Their website is playing up a little bit with international delivery, so it’s best to speak to a hooman (don’t worry, they are much more switched on than the mothership, so fret not).
As I said, mother and I don’t take a single penny – we cover all our own costs to go to shows and the like, so all the money you are spending goes right to the equines who need help. I have always argued I need help. Sadly the heavyweight hypocrite is still seeing no issues rationing my food while she singlehandedly keeps Cadbury’s solvent. My life at times sucks harder than a Shark on shagpile (*other vacuum brands are available)…
Talking of sucking, it’s coming up to the time of year when we need to have THE TALK. You know, the one about the anguish and suffering caused by seasonal shenanigans, such as “festive hacks”, “Santa snowjumping” and “Prancer and Dancer do dressage”. We will get to this in detail next week, but please, please just remember one thing: come spring when you all think we’re just all a “bit fresh”, it is merely delayed “feedback” to your December decisions. Think wisely peoples, think very wisely…
Laters,
Hovis
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Hovis’ Friday diary: ‘There is more water flowing down between my butt cheeks than down the Suez canal’
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