Dear Diary
I haz NEWS.
No, not that mother “bravely” held an eight-legged beast whose body was bigger than her brain whilst on holiday with the mini mother – I can assure you she ain’t that brave away from the spotlight. There was a mummy spider and lots of her offspring in mini-mother’s tack room the other week and mother was last seen legging it down the barn screaming for it to be set on fire. I think she meant the spider rather than the barn, on the assumption that I was in the barn at the time, but knowing mother and her somewhat laissez faire approach to my life, then who the flip knows…
No, no this is way bigger. Well, than the spider anyway.
BIG news.
Drum roll please…
So as Your Horse is Alive have been announcing their start studded line-up of equestrian big hitters, I am pretty sure all of you have been pondering why there was one name missing. My mate Ben Atkinson, Ollie LandsEnd, my mate Geoff and Charlotte-what’s-her-face-in-a-garden have all been mentioned, but still there was something lacking; the biggest name (or as mother suggests ego) of them all.
Well, the ego has landed peoples.
They have saved the best until last.
ME!!
Once again I am coming to the cult event, but this time I bring muchos exciting things with me. Firstly, my new book, my eighth (did I mention this at all? EIGHT books I have penned now – Ha! Take that JK Trowling). Titled Hovis’ Friday Diary: Laughter, Lameness and Lockdown, this will pick up where the last one left off at the start of the human strangles epidemic, just before I decided to test whether mother can indeed cry and Cool New Shoes Man plus Herman the German Needle Man had to demonstrate they didn’t actually find their credentials in a cereal packet after all.
It’s another big one covering 18 months instead of the usual 12 and will, as always, be sold with all the money going to equines more in need than me. As a side note, one of these days I would dearly love to meet those more in need than me, because I have mother and have had for 16 years nearly now. If that doesn’t qualify as “in need”, I’m not sure what does…
Secondly, I bring new merch. Is that how you says it when you are down with your homlies?
Because mother thinks that I am nearing the end of my time (let’s be honest she’s said this before and I will undoubtedly end up outliving her – they’ve rebuilt enough of me), she wants to maximise our charity work to the full, so I have a new range. Again, all of the money goes to Bransby Horses to continue the great work that they do and recognising, as the cost-of-living crisis continues to bite, that they are going to be called on even more.
Not that I’m not up for helping, but if this “cost-of-living” thing is that bitey, they can borrow my fly spray. I don’t know about flies, but it sure as hell repels everything else so might be worth a go?
Anyway, I digress. Thirdly, I bring me. He of the eyes that make the most amazing selfies and the mouth that drinks your Pimms whilst you’re faffing with said selfie. He of the professional model-standard poses and deliverer of the best smooches in the business. I will bet you a pound to a penny that Geoff doesn’t stick his tongue in your ear when you go to see him about signing a book. What can I say? It’s all about the extra value peoples…
Anyways, I look forward to seeing as many of you as possible on that weekend – please note I am not there on Friday because mini-mother is coming and she’s at school on Friday so I am only there on Saturday and Sunday. Let me know if you’re coming – be there or be squarer than Barbie boy with a bowl cut.
Laters,
Hovis
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