# Losing confidence fast, help!



## Carianne (27 December 2020)

For the past month I have been riding 3 times a week, 2x my new share and 1x lesson. I used to have regular lessons as a kid and have dipped in and out over the years but decided to take the plunge and stick at it this time.  I don't want to compete, I just want to get competent in the saddle and have some grace and decorum when I'm riding (aka - not looking like a sack of potatoes sitting on a horse 😅) . 

However, I struggle with anxiety and I'm beginning to find that I am losing my confidence rather than gaining it.  I had a bad lesson that triggered my anxiety a couple of weeks ago - my instructor appears to be getting frustrated with me but I'm doing everything they ask and asking questions if I don't understand something.  He did say at the end of the lesson we should move onto jumping but I think this was more out of guilt for being rude with me a couple of times.  I'm also very aware that I'm the only rider who uses a neck strap and body protector on the yard (for peace of mind more than anything) regardless of the activity. I also take over an hour to muck out and I'm beginning to get comments from other people about it all (nothing horrible! It just makes me feel like I'm being watched and judged). 

I know these things take time and patience, but are there any exercises anyone can recommend to help improve my confidence? Tricks to build a relationship with the horse I am sharing and any homework to improve my seat and aids? Also any advice people can give me for handling a horse on the ground or etiquette that I should know? I'm beginning to feel like I'm not good enough and all I'm doing is being a nuisance to my sharer (who is the biggest help and sweetheart ever) and I'm making the horse miserable when I spend time with him so i have decided to be active about trying to improve rather than just hoping it'll all come together at some point. 

Sorry for the rant. 
TIA x


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## Ownedby4horses (27 December 2020)

Change your instructor. An instructor who is getting impatient and rude will absolutely damage your confidence. Confidence is a very delicate thing and once it is lost it can be hard to get it back fully.

The right instructor will give you lots of confidence. Good luck.


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## SaddlePsych'D (27 December 2020)

Is it possible for you to 'shop around' a bit for a new instructor? And are you having any lessons with your share horse? I have found this incredibly helpful for building my confidence with the horse I share. I would not tolerate instructors being rude to me/taking their frustrations out on me when I do my best to listen and understand what they are asking me to do and put it in to practice (if you're ignoring them/being argumentative maybe that's a different thing but doesn't sound like you are).

If people are commenting on how long it takes you to muck out, maybe ask them for any top tips or ideally see how the owner does it/how long it takes them? I think if you are not sure an owner would probably appreciate honesty and you asking questions, being willing to learn is a good thing (a nuisance would be not listening to instructions or doing things as asked/agreed).

There is absolutely nothing wrong with using neck straps or body protectors. From the way you've written that it doesn't sound like anyone has actually said anything negative to you about these, but if they do they're chatting rubbish so ignore and move on.


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## EllenJay (27 December 2020)

Firstly, look for a new instructor. Your current one is probably good, but he doesn’t “get” you.  You need an instructor who builds confidence.

Also, who cares if it takes you 10 mins or 5 hours to muck out.  When I‘m on a mission I can do it in 15 mins, but I actually prefer to take time, chat to people and enjoy my time.

To help build a relationship, start doing some ground work. Get comfortable with your horse and help him build trust in you.

Good luck - you are doing well


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## Carianne (27 December 2020)

Thank you all for your help... Sometimes all you need to hear is that you're not going mad and things can be fixed very easily  yes I'm having lessons on my share and I've just upped the amount il have to help build confidence.  I've got one more lesson booked with the instructor in question. If I get the same behaviour this time round I just won't go back. X


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## Wishfilly (27 December 2020)

Definitely look for another instructor- the one you're with doesn't sound like he is doing you any favours. 

In terms of mucking out, what bedding is the horse on, and what tools are you using? Are you perhaps taking out more bedding than is needed each time? Or perhaps not using the easiest/best tools?

What issues are you having handling the horse? How come you feel you are making the horse miserable? It often takes a bit of time to build up a relationship with a new horse- and it's better to be assertive and safe than focus on making the horse "happy" and letting them walk all over you!


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## Carianne (28 December 2020)

Hi wishfilly, 

Thanks for your feedback. The horse is on straw and I'm only taking out urine soaked straw and obviously muck as the owner showed me. I am just nervous of throwing away too much or not enough so I really take my time. 

No issues so far with handling the horse. He has great manners and I've just made sure that he shows me the same respect by being firm but fair when he tries his luck. He's been lovely so far and doesn't appear stressed or irritated by my presence or by things that I do, but I want to make sure I am building a positive relationship the right way if that makes sense? 

I think I'm just frustrated that I'm not where I want to be and trying my hardest to be a good sharer by being reliable and open and honest but feeling like a nuisance or "more confidence than ability" type by asking too many questions and taking my time. But, I guess rather that than a total nut job who won't ask for help or admit that they did something wrong!


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## brighteyes (28 December 2020)

Spend more time with the horse on the ground. Ask lots of questions and don't get out of your depth without stopping and asking for help. Sounds like you just need to slow down and enjoy stuff more. I'd rather that, than blundering making possibly costly and dangerous mistakes, if you were sharing MY horse.


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## Wishfilly (28 December 2020)

Straw is the worst bedding to muck out, I think. I'd try not to worry too much about taking too much and just go for it. It's pretty inevitable that some dry straw gets chucked too!

It sounds like you are doing really well, but maybe just overthinking things a bit? I'm sure, with time, you'll relax and be able to enjoy it more.

Definitely ditch the instructor and find a nicer one though!


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## Carianne (29 December 2020)

I think you're both right. I found today I was immediately anxious because the yard was very busy but after an hour hacking on my own and an hour mucking out on my own I felt loads better. I've ditched the instructor and have more lessons booked  thank you for your advice x


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## Equi (29 December 2020)

The only way to get better at riding is to ride. As for the mucking out ive never had to use straw thankfully, so maybe someone else can let me know but does throwing it up the wall work the same?


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## Circe2 (31 December 2020)

I’ve no idea what to do with straw, as mine is on shavings - but honestly, if people are forming a critical opinion of you over something so insignificant then it’s probably just not a great yard atmosphere. I mean, people have injuries, arthritis etc that can mean slow mucking out. Or they’re just really thorough, or they chat away so much that it takes ages. As long as the task gets done, should anyone care?

If you think it might be your anxiety imagining the critical demeanour, that’s different - in which case you either have to learn to silence that nagging worry, or better yet, make friends with everyone else there to quieten your assumptions about how they feel. Likelihood is that they don’t notice, and would be helpful and give you a hand/advise on how to do it in the most effective way. But please try to be gentle with yourself! 

I really think you need to change instructor though, pronto. I think the wider variety of instructors you have, the more you realise exactly the type you can work with, and make it your mission to only stick to them. You’ll see how quickly your confidence will return when you’re not feeling the pressure of performance anxiety. You should be able to laugh with your instructor, see them as a knowledgeable guide, but also an equal on a personal level. It sounds like this instructor has you feeling like a guilty/anxious child who can’t do anything right, and you’ve (naturally) regressed into feeling the part. His (negative) opinion of you is becoming your opinion of you. That’s not healthy and will absolutely stomp out any love you have for the sport!


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## Meoldmucka (8 January 2021)

William fox Pitt always uses a neck strap, says he gets loads of stick for it but he doesn't care!


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## Winters100 (9 January 2021)

Carianne said:



			I'm beginning to feel like I'm not good enough
		
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I found this really sad that riding would make you feel this way. I think you have to ask yourself 'not good enough for what?'.  Because actually your aim is really just to enjoy your time with the horse, so who cares how quickly you progress, or indeed how quickly you muck out!

I am sure that you don't look, as you say, 'like a sack of potatoes' on the horse, but if you do so what? As long as it is not harming the horse who cares?  Remember that everything about rising is relative, to you your instructor might look like a wonderful rider, but to other, higher level, professionals they might look very poor.  We are all just somewhere on the scale, so assuming that you are not planning to make your living as a pro, just relax and enjoy it.  

Regarding how long you take to do chores if anyone comments just laugh and say 'yes, I like to take my time'.  In our yard there are several of us who ride and train together and we all have very different ways of doing things, but all the horses are well cared for, and beyond the basics there is really not a 'right' or 'wrong' way in many instances.


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## Quigleyandme (9 January 2021)

Good for you for binning that instructor. Everyone on this forum who had a
first horse as an adult probably felt inadequate, clumsy and slow at first. I know I did. Chin up. I bet you are doing great x


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## Pinkvboots (9 January 2021)

Glad you have ditched the instructor and I have balance straps on the front of my saddles in case I need something to grab, they sell them on eBay for about £8 they are a bit more discreet than a neck strap but there is nothing wrong in using a neck strap or anything else especially if it makes you feel better.

I wouldn't worry about the mucking out and it's no ones business how long it takes you to do, and honestly does it really matter some people obviously have nothing else better to do it's very tedious try not to let them get to you.


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## Fjord (10 January 2021)

Just to add, if I had to muck out a straw bed I'd probably take an hour too!


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## Skyscraper (24 March 2021)

Absolutely no shame in a bp or a neckstrap. Sounds like you are sensible and prepared to learn, which is all good. Best of luck - always ups and downs on any horse journey, and a good instructor will be supporting you, so sounds like you made the right decison there. I found lunge lessons for improving seat and good books were a big help. Most of all, enjoy


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## TheOldTrout (26 March 2021)

Everyone else has already said what I was going to say about the instructor! I think your confidence will come back as you start to relax and enjoy yourself. Keep wearing that body protector, it will help with your confidence (and you should have seen the look my chiropractor gave me when I said I rode without one! I bought one very quickly after that!!).
I'm also a slow mucker out, I tried speeding up for a couple of days but found I was nowhere near as thorough so went back to my old, more time-consuming method. Personally, I think thorough is better than quick.


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## ArklePig (26 March 2021)

I feel for you, its supposed to be fun! I also suffer from a bit of anxiety and returned to riding about 2 years ago. Not every instructor fits all, I definitely didn't gel with some at all. The first place I went, the instructor made me feel awful about myself, focusing on what was going wrong instead of what was going right. He could be rather condescending too, once I gave the mare I rode a big pat for going brilliant and he told me she wasn't a dog stop treating her like one 🙄 I used to come out of lessons so dejected. I tried a few more and now I have an amazing instructor who I cannot wait to get back to after lockdown, he just works for me. I definitely would recommend trying out some other instructors. 

Re mucking out, I know it's easier said than done but ignore. As long as your horse has a nice comfy bed it doesn't matter how he got it. And on the back protector, I have a loan at a yard and I'm the only one who wears one and people have outright told me it's pointless. I don't care, it helps me feel safer. If you're happy and horse is happy then focus on that and ignore the rest as much as you can.


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## Scotsbadboy (29 March 2021)

Carianne said:



			I think you're both right. I found today I was immediately anxious because the yard was very busy but after an hour hacking on my own and an hour mucking out on my own I felt loads better. I've ditched the instructor and have more lessons booked  thank you for your advice x
		
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Honestly you wrote this? Doesnt seem like the same person  You are doing absolutely fine and taking yourself off for a hack on your own ... come on ... there are people who i know that have ridden and competed for years and they dont even do that, lol! You've totally got this. If you want to muck out quicker, get quicker, time yourself and see if you can beat your time. I muck out by hand (shavings and im tight so hate throwing away bedding) and i put some music on and time myself and also count how many baskets i can get it down to (two .. i will beat this, lol!) 

Neck straps are for professionals btw .. welcome, welcome to the club  Take the pressure off yourself, your overthinking this. Good luck and keep us posted on that mucking out challenge


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