# As requested... Our stories.



## Queenbee (24 September 2012)

As many of you will know, three months ago, I lost the most wonderful horse I have ever known.  I know that she was mine, and I am prone to be biased, but I have known, owned  and loved a number of beautiful and special horses throughout my years but Ebony stood alone and above them all.   Many of you lived through my fight to find out what was wrong with her, and subsequently my heartbreaking goodbye and loss of the most amazing partner and friend I could ever have wished for.  I was subsequently asked by many to post our whole story, which I now intend to do.  

To do it justice, I have to go back to the very beginning, outline my passion for horses, how at one point I lost my way, and how, at the very beginning of our time together and my revival of riding, Ebony pretty much saved my life.

Up until the age of 11 I grew up in mid Wales.  For any of you that have never been to mid wales&#8230; don&#8217;t, its not particularly horsey, Alec Swan may be happy there&#8230;.there are many sheep.  For every summer that I could remember our family went to Devon to visit with friends, they had 4 children around my age and the three girls were horse mad, I got to ride the fabulous Welsh D &#8216;Prinny&#8217; and as a family horse, no one could have asked for more, she took great care of me, and I have many holiday snaps of me &#8216;al la &#8211; pea on a mountain&#8217;.  At home, my sister who was 7 years older than me, spent time at the local riding stables (the only one know to man in my area) the owner of the business did a moonlight flit with all the loan horses and it looked like my passion would never take off, but I still had my holidays on the fabulous Prinny.


We moved to Torquay in 2001, and just before we moved we went on holiday to Scotland, one of my greatest horsey memories was on that holiday.  My sister and I went out on a hack through the forestry.  I went out on the lead rein on a little welsh A grey, and came back doing rising trot off the lead rein beaming from ear to ear!  I swear I didn&#8217;t stop grinning all holiday.  Needless to say, when we eventually moved to Devon later that year, my dream came true and I started riding lessons.  

Its strange, but I can&#8217;t remember the names of any of the horses at my first riding school, it all passed in a blur, I learnt to walk trot and canter, but beyond that learning didn&#8217;t happen.  My parents moved me to another Riding school:  Honeysuckle Farm, now the Mare and Foal Sanctuary in Newton Abbot.  Here I took off, learning everything I could and quickly progressing to the type of rider that they put on all the little gits who bucked, napped, bolted and reared (oh the good old days before health and safety!)  My absolute favourite pony there was a grey Welsh c called cloud, who was a spark and a half, beating every horse on xc, jumping anything, getting so excited at the start of an event that you had to stop him rearing!  He was fast, talented and fun.  Unfortunately when it came to buying my own pony, he was up for £3.500 (1993) and this was just too much an ask for my parents.  It&#8217;s a great shame, because rumour has it that he pretty much blew his fuse over the years, too many riders wanting to ride the crème de la crème of the yard, when I was able I tried and tried to find him, I wanted to give him a retirement home whatever the cost&#8230; I never did.

For my 13th birthday, I got my very own.  Pickles was his name and boy did it suit him.  We had been at Axe Vale Show, I had taken Cloud, and we had arranged to see another horse who had been at the show and won everything.  We received a call to cancel our viewing and as any teenager or adult who had ever been a teenager would understand I felt heartbroken.  As luck would have it there was another pony advertised at the show&#8230; and his name was Pickles.

My mother picked me up on a Tuesday after school (we finished at 3pm on Tuesdays)  I turned up at the yard and it was wet and windy&#8230; I remember walking down the covered stable block, and in the end stable on the right was a pony with its head up in the clouds, eyes rolling like it was born wild, and soaked through being towel dried by the yard owner.  Of course, you know the rest, I fell in love with this demon spawn instantly .  He box jumped, reared, napped, wouldn&#8217;t catch wouldn&#8217;t lunge and would not go in a trailer, (basically the perfect pony for showing a teenage upstart  learning the ropes) but her really had not got a bad bone in his body,  he was initially driven by fear and inexperience, he had only ever been a prince Philip cup pony to my knowledge, he freaked and reared on the lunge when he sighted a whip. When he arrived at the yard he was bleeding and sore at the mouth from a kimblewick and drop combo that defies common sense!  He box jumped and also took bounces as a spread&#8230; god alone knows how we navigated through the quagmire, but I know that I handled from the heart, and a knowledge that I was responsibly for his wellbeing.  When I gave him to the woman who had him on loan (during my first year of uni) I knew he would have a home for life I couldn&#8217;t continue to ride him, and he was not the sort of horse to benefit from retirement, he loved his rides and jogged till the age of late 20s when he was PTS.  I said goodbye to the horse who had been my education, my best friend, and as my father put it, &#8216;who I was with, what I was doing and where I was&#8217; throughout my teenage years.  

We all know that university can be fun, but it can also be tough.  I went there with the intention of staying single, carefree, studious and embracing the party/student life.  I was swept of my feet very abruptly.  I am not an easy romantic, and I wasn&#8217;t back then, we were not both love struck students, he was a teacher at a local school.  We were both, for a long time absolute in our love for each other, to the point where he declared to his friends that I was the woman he was going to marry, and I was not appauled or scared, but entirely acceptant of this fact as if it  we an untold law: 1+1 = 2. Unfortunately, as so often is the case, we both had our worries, and whilst I confronted these for myself, and got over mine, he couldn&#8217;t and bolted into the night.  After a year of the most exquisite relationship ever, I had about a week of an uneasy feeling before having that pedestal he put under me, well and truly kicked out from under me and trashed, no hope of resolve, no contact with him again.  It was not my first love, but it was enough to close me off from love for 7 years.

I tell the above, to try to explain how low I was when I found Ebony.  After the demise of my relationship, I tried very hard to continue with my studies, I completed my coursework but my exams were a different matter.  I lost 3 stone (weighing 10 stone 7 at the time of our split and being 5 ft 6, you can understand how bad I was.  I could not concentrate on anything, I was unable to take antidepressants due to other medication, and I realised that during the course of my relationship I had pushed away many of my friends.  An absolute mess, I went to my tutor and was given a year out from my studies, after hitting the town 5 nights a week in defiance of my sorry ass for 3 months, I moved to be closer to my family who had relocated to Cornwall in an attempt at licking my wounds.

I had been living in Cornwall for six months, still struggling with appetite and weight, depression and some of the darkest days of my life.  I had made a few acquaintances but no one that I really identified with or was close to, and felt an overwhelming sense of isolation and loneliness.  Out of my bedroom window, across the road were acres of mud pit, teaming with horses of all shapes and sizes, it hurt me to see them but not touch them and not have the bond with them like I had had with Pickles and Cloud.  I assumed the owner was a dealer, and after watching her and her children religiously trudge up and down to the fields with hay and feed, I bit the bullet and accosted her one day.  I asked her, did she have any horses for sale?

Her response was a short staccato &#8216;no&#8217; as she barely looked up at me and bustled on to her horses.  Being pretty low in myself that reprimand was enough to put me off trying at that point, so I remained wallowing in self pitty and woe until the same woman stopped me and apologised for her attitude a few weeks later.  She explained that many people didn&#8217;t take kindly to her in the village and as such she was pretty hostile, she told me she was not a dealer, but if I wanted something to ride I was welcome to ride one of her horses.  

A couple of days later, I walked into her yard,   Tied up, was a gelding, I remember him vividly, he had a head the size of a house!  Herman, was Ardennes and he was in to keep the other horse company.  Stood there was this fine, slightly ribby  dark bay mare, with 2 foot of mane, and  tail virtually dragging on the floor.  Just like pickles when I first saw him, her head was in the air as high as could be and the whites of her eyes were showing.  She had a beautiful deep chest, and an almost sexy pout, I remember her lips reminded me of Mick Jagger and her physique of Jerry Hall.  All together she looked a combination of wild, untamed, pure, unadulterated class&#8230;.


That was my first encounter with Ebony.



I sincerely hope you enjoyed&#8230;. My next instalment will be full of falls, stops, rears, bucks and divaish behaviour


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## asommerville (24 September 2012)




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## sophiebailey (24 September 2012)

Can't wait xx


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## Sherbie (24 September 2012)

Lovley looking forward to the next part of your story.   x


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## cally6008 (24 September 2012)

Corr and wow. I am seriously hooked.

Honestly, have you thought about becoming an author ?


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## Queenbee (24 September 2012)

cally6008 said:



			Corr and wow. I am seriously hooked.

Honestly, have you thought about becoming an author ?
		
Click to expand...

sometimes, but then I re read the 'xyz' that I have written and I see all my grammatical errors and then realise I can't change them because my 'edit facility' has timed out! 

Perhaps one day, but for now, its H&H only


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## WelshD (24 September 2012)

Brilliant story so far 

When do we get part 2?


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## Ladyinred (25 September 2012)

Thank you for taking the time to do this... it's lovely to read true stories.


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## cally6008 (27 September 2012)

What happened next ?


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## JellyBeanSkittle (27 September 2012)

Part two!!  x


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## MrsMozart (27 September 2012)

Next bit please!


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## Emilieu (27 September 2012)

Oh Queenbee :') xx


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## Surreydeb (27 September 2012)

Can't wait for the next instalment!


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## JackJill (27 September 2012)

Thanks for that, looking forward to the next part. I followed your journey and although I didn't post much I wished so often for it to turn out ok. Glad you feel able to share your story


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## Moon (27 September 2012)

More more more!! X


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## Gwena (27 September 2012)

Next bit please.!


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## Mrs C (27 September 2012)

I'll look forwards to hearing the next installment x


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## robthecob (27 September 2012)

More please I'm hooked


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## Gracie21 (27 September 2012)

Wow. Can't wait for the next part! xxx


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## councillor (27 September 2012)

Next part???? Im not on here often, I don't know your story but I want to now! x


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## Spanish Eyes (27 September 2012)

As one who followed your threads about Ebony I am delighted to read your story. I'm another one who is absolutely hooked, and really looking forward to the next instalment.

Please, please keep another copy of this on your computer - you never know in what direction your writing may take you (just look at JK Rowling's story!)


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## BlairandAzria (27 September 2012)

Ooh looking forward to the next installement


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## Fransurrey (27 September 2012)

*cough* next, please!


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## atlantis (27 September 2012)

More please!!!!


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## YasandCrystal (27 September 2012)

A much more compulsive read than the Grey books


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## meesha (27 September 2012)

Fabulous post, thank you so much for sharing..... next instalment please x


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## Piccy (27 September 2012)

Thank you for sharing I look forward to your next instalment.


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## Tammytoo (27 September 2012)

Don't leave us hanging for too long!


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## Queenbee (30 September 2012)

TO YOU ALL... I HAVE JUST READ SOME OF YOUR COMMENTS TO MY MUM... SHE THINKS YOUR ALL WONDERFUL 

Part 2... (Part three is the start of the really interesting stuff, but this bit is important to me too )

The yard itself was right outside the womans home and it was a bit Steptoe and Son, but standing there surrounded by horses&#8230; I felt peaceful and at home&#8230; a feeling that had eluded me for almost a year at that point.  Long and leggy, fine and proud, with a mass of sexy long black mane and flowing tale and a spark to her eye, she oozed &#8216;show stopping presence.&#8217;

Well, didn&#8217;t she just suit me down to the ground?  I have always gone for the nicely put together,  pretty, flighty and slightly nutty ones.  My motto with regards to this is that 'if I wanted a horse that wasn&#8217;t a challenge, I would have owned a rocking horse&#8217;.

I was introduced to Ebony, she looked down her nose at me, aloof  but you could see the tenderness and kindness, you know what they say about telling a lot about a horse from its eyes.  Anyway, on I popped, and went off for a little pootle around the mines.  The woman who owned Ebony knew I lived about 100 yards down the road from her so I reckon she felt pretty safe that I wasn't going to steal her horse.  I'm not sure whether or not she expected her mare to come bolting back home about 20 mins later without me though&#8230;.

I had, as I said jumped on this drop dead sexy mare and gone off for a jolly to get a feel of her.  She was not incredibly bold when we got to the mines.  We set off at a trot, her stargazing and hollow, it was a straight enough track and we were only going to do a wee bit of trot so I could get a decent feel for her&#8230;  So there I am happily, if not entirely comfortably trotting along when a cyclist comes into view out from behind one of the mine stacks&#8230;  It transpired that Ebony wasn't all that keen on bicycles, or indeed anything that she believed jumped out at her with a view to killing her&#8230; It was a classic spook & shoulder drop combination, and I was a gonner&#8230; and then so was she&#8230;

I couldn&#8217;t believe that I hadn&#8217;t sat the fall, my backside used to be made of superglue&#8230; NOTHING unseated me!  I was so ashamed; I felt so many emotions on my way back to her owner&#8217;s yard.  I felt absolutely mortified that they had trusted me with her and she&#8217;d run off (I assumed down the road to home), I was worried senseless she may get hit by a car, bemused that she had actually unseated me, gutted because they were never going to let me near any of their horses to ride, and I really liked her&#8230;.  As I got to the yard, they were just leaving to come find me, apparently Ebony had taken herself back to the yard and was peachy&#8230; so, it was just me, my arse and my pride that was wounded then was it?  Great! Thanks for that you nut job sexy horse!  I apologised, told them how bad I felt. 

&#8220;Going to get back on then are you?&#8221;

Im sorry, I thought, I must be going mad, she is letting ME get back on her horse, I almost didn&#8217;t ask but I did&#8230;

&#8220;Are you sure?&#8221;

&#8220;First rule of riding isn&#8217;t it?&#8221; she responded

So I got back on and rode up and down the road then back to the yard, and there ended our first encounter, and I couldn&#8217;t stop thinking about the next one.
In the weeks that followed I was out and about on Ebony as much as I could be, little by little we started to get to know each other.  She was a stubborn, naïve, and sparky diva, and I was an experienced, but out of practice tough little rider who had realised that a few years out of the saddle had set me back a whole load of paces.  Still, we muddled on, hacking around the mine tracks, in walk, trot and extended trot&#8230; having chatted to her owner, I was told she didn&#8217;t canter&#8230; she had never been taught how, and every time I asked she just floated a la Friesian in extended trot.  I got up the confidence to apply for a job locally as assistant manager to a shop, which I got, and my time was divided between the two.  Ebony&#8217;s diva character came through more and more, whenever I would tie her up in the yard, she would do little bunny hop- rears if I went out of sight.  I was warned that she was prone to being &#8216;hard to catch&#8217;, hiding behind Herman the Ardennes&#8230; the boss of the field, but she always came to me.  

My return to uni was charging towards me, the second half of my second year and then the hardest of all, my final year.  I made certain to enjoy every free moment I had with her, knowing that juggling her, work and uni would be an impossible task.  


One day, I was spending time with Ebs and her owner came out&#8230;  she had told me often of how they had initially bought Ebs for her husband, expecting her to make 16hh, but bless her she topped out at 15.1 and was too small and slight for him.  She told me that day of how in all her years of owning Ebony, she had never seen her bond with anyone other than me.  If I moved, so did she.  If she couldn&#8217;t see me, she fretted and stropped&#8230;. Despite having 30 horses in her field and a reputation for not being caught&#8230; it was me who could catch her and me she wanted to be with.  Ultimately, I was told, Ebony had picked me, If I still wanted to buy her, I could, if I could no longer afford her, I could ride her for the rest of her time.  I said yes on the spot.

Later at home, I reflected on this, I was going back to uni.  I realised that I couldn&#8217;t give up uni, my fighting spirit had returned (thanks to Ebs) and I was damned if I was going to loose my degree because of heartache caused by my ex.  I also realised that she was my lifeline, and without her, I couldn&#8217;t get through uni and financially I would have to keep her in Cornwall and be here with her, for that I needed my job.  So I made the off the wall, crazy commitment to buying Ebony, keeping my full time job and commuting 140 miles a day (round trip) by car most days.  I agreed with her owner that I would pay with 3 instalments, totalling £1000.

6 months later, Ebony was officially mine and I moved her to a local yard 1 mile down the road from my house.

So endeth the story of Ebony my loan horse&#8230;

Believe me when I say, moving Ebony a 7 year old diva that lived out, on hay only and had never been stabled to a ,yard with stables, comings and goings, and lots of dairy pasture, is worth reading&#8230; next time.


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## Queenbee (30 September 2012)

just to say I have been tres busy the last few days but I have 10 days off next week so will crack on with a decent chunk of our history then


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## Gracie21 (30 September 2012)

Love it


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## JustAnotherNeddy (30 September 2012)

More more more!


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## irish_only (30 September 2012)

What a lovely story - next chapter please


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## Emilieu (30 September 2012)

Oh I'm loving this  thank you.
Don't want to be be picky and I know we all know how beautiful she was but... some little pics to remind us as we read would be delightful. Pretty pretty please?x


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## Elsbells (30 September 2012)

More please


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## Queenbee (30 September 2012)

Emilieu said:



			Oh I'm loving this  thank you.
Don't want to be be picky and I know we all know how beautiful she was but... some little pics to remind us as we read would be delightful. Pretty pretty please?x
		
Click to expand...

Can't do the next instalment yet but would be my pleasure to produce a few pics tonight for you 

A few of my favourites:
Super jumping diva











I can dance DIVA






spruced up diva:






Hunting:
[Content removed]






 (always the diva, even in her last year!)

As I remember her...



























and with my boy... who spent 2 1/2 years with her from 6 months on... I call him my little bit of her...


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## piebaldsparkle (30 September 2012)

All the best horses find you (mine did).


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## mperson01 (30 September 2012)

Lovely story, thanks for sharing, and for the pics of a truly beautiful horse.


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## RubysGold (30 September 2012)

Wonderful story so far  
You really have a way with words that gets us hooked. 
What a beautiful Mare!!


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## Star_Chaser (1 October 2012)

I can see why you fell in love with her, she's gorgeous  Funny how its the ones that unseat us that turn out to be the horse of a lifetime... can't wait for the next instalment!


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## Queenbee (1 October 2012)

So, when we all left this thread last time, I had just acquired a new horse.  I should point out at this point that prior to owning Ebony, I had been a &#8216;gelding only&#8217; kind of gal, moreover, I was the one who was put on the little git ponies, I had little experience of the mentality of mares and horses&#8230; which anyone with experience will know (as I was soon to find out) is vastly different!

Prior to paying off the last instalment, I had been out and about enquiring about possible yards.  I knew I could keep Ebony where she was, but there was no school, no stable, no structure, and I was aware that I would need this to begin her education.  She was incredibly green when I bought her, her previous owners bought her at 6 months old, I recall her them telling me she was thrown off the lorry by the dealers &#61516;. Until I bought her, she had pretty much done the same circuit a couple of times a month (max) in walk and trot, so at 7yrs we had a lot of learning to do!

The day after I paid her last instalment I moved her to Gryllis.  It was just up the road and yard of 10 horses, on an organic dairy farm smack bang in the middle of the mine hacks.

Youv&#8217;e heard the terms: xyz hits the fan, all hell breaks loose, etcetera, etcetera&#8230; well, this was worse, far worse!  But we will get to that in a minute&#8230;

The day I moved her up to Gryllis, I met the owner of Ebony&#8217;s neighbour&#8230; Lorrae.  Lorrae owned a mare by the name of Lady, a beautiful ex racer.    Lady was the boss of the field, no dispute!  Ebony had always been a wallflower in her previous home, suddenly blossomed and became 2nd in command.  I think in a funny way she always knew which side her bread was buttered on as Herman was the boss and she was always stuck like glue to him, as she was with Lady.  Ebony was loved and at the same time &#8216;tolerated&#8217; by Lorrae and Lady, the reason being, that Ebony had never tasted the nectar known as haylage&#8230; she knew only hay.  There was a 6 inch gap under the wall of the stables where Lady&#8217;s haylage used to collect, and every morning Ebony would have half her haynet left because she took up most of her time catching the scraps that Lady dropped! Very cost effective for me 

The season of Gryllis was a whole season of firsts, for the both of us, looking back I realise now, how much it must have blown her mind and I understand more her reactions from understanding her, but back then I didn&#8217;t realise her depths, the extent of her emotions, I expected her to behave in certain ways, I was willing to make certain allowances, but I never realised things would get so tough for so long.

The combination of grass, stables and a new home was just mind blowing for Ebs.  She absolutely hated being stabled, and I quickly realised that she suffered acutely from separation anxiety.  If she was in the field and there was a horse in with her, that was fine, but if the last horse was taken away&#8230; nothing held her in, the gate was just in her way&#8230; she cleared it everytime.  Things got trickier though if she was in the stable, she could have 10 other horses in but if just one left&#8230; she jumped out of the stable.  She broke a fair few doors doing this!  I found that for the first time in my life I had to work around everyone else, I had to rely on them to tell me when they were going to bring their horses in or turn them out&#8230; this was not how I remembered it to be!

Rugging her up was another issue, she hated rugs, you actually had to put them on the &#8216;proper&#8217; way, fold them up, place them on the back, do the front up, unfold etc!  Feeding was another minefield, other than chaff, merry mole cool mix (Mole Valley) and bran, I had never used anything else.  I made the mistake of using A&P calm and condition, thinking it would &#8216;Calm&#8217; her down&#8230;.  I know better now!  In the end she was religiously kept on a handful of chaff and valerian cordial.  Going back to her owner to discuss with her the experiences I was having with her, It became apparent that there was one other person that had her on loan before me, but she took her away to her home, when she did that and Ebony encountered grass, the girl never got on her back again!  I suppose I have pickles and cloud primarily to thank for my balls at that point.  A sparky horse is far easier to control from atop than on the ground in my opinion.  

So we come to riding.  At Gryllis, Ebs became a bit of a demon possessed! Standing still was beneath her, I barely got on her at the mounting block, having to run along the sodding thing and leap on llike I was in some comedy western.  Then the comedy western, would miraculously morph into a Spanish equestrian extravaganza, whist she pranced about the yard waiting for Lorrae to get on Lady (the ex race horse who was all niceness and manners put my psycho diva to shame!)

Our riding at Gryllis was twofold, first we had our hacks with Lady and Lorrae,  behind who we learnt to canter along the straights of the hacks, and explored the freakiness of pigs, motorbikes and plastic bags.  On our own time, we used (wait for the shock!)&#8230; draw reins!!!!  I can honestly say Ebony never rode in any kind of outline at that point!  But neither did she do her ostrich impersonation, she learnt to ride in a relaxed gait (well, drop her head a bit) at walk and sometimes trot, which was my aim.

Another epic adventure for us was the picking up of feet, something which was not on ebonys &#8216;can be arsed to do list&#8230;I don&#8217;t really blame here&#8230; I still use the minimum of effort and scuff my soles .  During her time with her previous owners, she had in fact been taught to pick her tootsies up, but they then had a chap ride her (prior to me).  Have you ever watched &#8216;A Knights Tale&#8217; with Heath Ledger, a fab film of one of the Chaucer Canterbury Tales?  Well, there is a line in there that goes:  &#8216;You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting&#8230;&#8217; this was her attitude to the chap.  He was a novice, and she snatched her foot back from him one day, and he let her get away with it&#8230; cue a tangled ball of wool for me to unravel&#8230; one divaish, stubborn, tangled ball of wool!  Every time you would pick her feet up, she would snatch, once we dealt with that she changed tactic&#8230; Oh leaning, such fun&#8230; not!  It all got too much for me one day, she would lean and lean and lean, her knee going further and further down, and putting strain on my arm&#8230; so one day I bedded her nice and deep, let her lean and lean and lean&#8230; then (god knows how it happened  ) but my hand just let go! And she never did that again 

The poor farrier was a similar story!  I quite possibly found the best farrier in the world  he never shouted at her, or even reacted in any way&#8230; perfect for her.  No matter how much she pranced around and bunny hopped or leaned, he just ignored her and cracked on with shoeing her.  She used to have 2 stonking cracks in her hooves but thanks to him they went, and years later we were able to go barefoot for 3 years without any sign of them returning!

Stabling became a bit of a problem at Gryllis, and I had to accept that at that time, it was just one thing too many for her to deal with, she was either jumping out or box walking all the time, and as she became fitter and more confident, there was no way she wanted to stuck in a box, no amount of carrots and Swedes strung up from bailer twine would change that.  Every day I came in to withered untouched veg, barely eaten dinner (so much for valerian!) untouched hay, and a bed that had to be fully mucked out and replaced.  So I made the decision  to turn her out that November.

With only a month to go until Christmas, I starting (in retrospect stupidly) to plan my first ever hunting experience, on boxing day on Carn Brea.  We didn&#8217;t even make it down the hill from the meet, our saddle slipped and I called it a day&#8230; feeling like a prat!  I was starting to feel quite sorry for myself, it wasn&#8217;t how I remembered it.  I couldn&#8217;t seem to gel with this mare, her attitude was too strong, sure pix and cloud had been strong and firey characters, but she almost didn&#8217;t want to do something BECAUSE I wanted her to do it.  In situations where she should be happy, she was becoming tense and tucked up, hell, she was like that everyday if I stabled her.  I couldn&#8217;t get shoes on her without feeding her a net of carrots (even then it was a task and a half) and suddenly, catching her was a frigging chore too, I had to section her off in another field.  This horse, who was going to get me through uni, and give me the energy and drive to complete it, was taking everything I had.  I was absolutely starting to despair.


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## Queenbee (1 October 2012)

We carried on just hacking until my final exams, but I wanted to do so much more, unfortunately at that point getting her to work properly was beyond me, I know now that I just didnt know her, when I tapped into her and got her it was easy.  At this point I could get her to bring her head into a semi relaxed state, but her back was always hollow and tense as I said I was at a loss, so I enquired and during my exams sent her to a well known and respected local trainer.  It seemed ideal, we were moving to a new smallholding and she could come straight there with company of the old owners horses on completion of 3 weeks away being schooled never underestimate hindsight!

I dont know what possessed me to agree to sending my horse somewhere where there was no field for her to be turned out in, but there was a school, she would get turn out in that I suppose that some of it was down to my reasoning that she had spent the first 7years without grazing and would be exercised, and some of it was down to wanting the best for Ebony, I had been told she was the best  I cant say how much I regret my decision.  I explained to the trainer how important it was that if she was leading a horse away from the yard, she tie Ebony up in the stable with a haynet not perfect, but Ebs would have calmed down and not been able to hurt herself.  As it was, I got a call to say that she had injured herself, she saw a horse being taken away, was not tied up and jumped out of the stable.  The walk way was narrow, the stable walls high, she scraped her pelvis on the wall, hit her head on the hinge of the opposite door and landed on an upturned pitchfork Needless to say I was livid.  I arranged to pick her up 2 days later (earlier than planned). She insisted that I ride her to try her out  before we left everything seemed fine, I now strongly suspect that she had been buted, because there was no getting on the back of her after that Anyway, that day we rode home to Croft William, our new home, a place where my dreams met, I could look out of my window and see my horse in my field, it was also the place where I almost broke my back and faced the prospect that Ebony may be too dangerous and damaged to ride

I know I said I couldnt write more tonight but I was a bit inspired


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## Star_Chaser (1 October 2012)

and....


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## Odd Socks (1 October 2012)

Absolutely lovely story.  I wonder if H&H might want topublish this? Beautiful pics, can't wait for more


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## YasandCrystal (1 October 2012)

Rivetting reading - quite brilliant


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## Queenbee (1 October 2012)

Thank you my lovelies! I'm enjoying writing it, it's bringing back a lot of forgotten memories, showing me how much I've learnt from owning her, how I've changed and grown as a horse owner.  Going back is helping me to compare how I felt at certain times with her to how I would feel now, knowing what I do about her.  Sharing it with others who through the course of our ups and downs came to be very fond of ebony is really good for me and reliving and telling this tale is really helping me to focus on the good and not so much the last couple of months.


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## Ventus (1 October 2012)

I love your story QueenBee, and I am very sorry for your loss. Looking forward to your next chapter...


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## Queenbee (1 October 2012)

Oh, go on then, I will write some more

So, off we went to Croft William.  Croft William was a joint family venture, my sister and her husband and their 2 children, myself, my parents and my grandmother.  A hell of a lot of family history took place there.  It was a beautiful smallholding my sister and her family had the house, and the plan was to continue with the build of the barn conversion that we were to buy later that year, along with the stable yard, barn and about 20 acres.  The previous owner had left behind 3 horses, for me to help sell to of them and gifted one to my sister, they were excellent company for Ebony.  Unfortunately things took a turn for the worse quite fast, we realised that the remainder of the property was tied up in a clause which meant that only the previous owner could build it, we also found that he never had any intention of selling the land.  So for a few years we lived, not how we had planned, but in relative bliss in static caravans, alongside my sister in the big house.  My grandma in one, my parents in another and me in mine, from time to time we would have visitors Lorrae, my cousin, and a new woman (k) and her daughter (c) all came to live with me during glitches in their life.  For the most part of it, croft William was a place of great healing, allowing myself and my 3 friends to put our lives well and truly back on track.  My sister and her partner got married and held a beautiful reception in Marquees in the field.  We lost my grandma, she had spent 10 years without her beloved and it came to a point where she had seen enough of the world, enjoyed being with her family, but craved my grandfather who she firmly believed would be waiting for her Some of my most peaceful times were spent there  I fully came to terms with moving on  the hole that I had felt in my life was no longer patched over it didnt exist anymore, and I realised that I was everything that I ever needed, my life was great as it was and I had lost nothing, Finally great friendships were forged in my caravan, my cousin and lorrae who were both going through difficult times, both resolved their problems and came out stronger and happier when they returned to their lives, K and her daughter, became incredibly special, we grew very close and at Croft William, K met the love of her life, was able to trust and be with him, and forged the strongest mother-daughter relationship with C, all of the above characters will feature in our story from now on.

From day one, we had problems, Ebs and I.  It wasnt even her normal nutty and prima donna attitude, it was actually riding her, she was tense in a different way.  Many times when trying to mount her, her ears were flat back and she was tense as a wash board.  When I tried mounting from the ground, she would rodeo and/or bolt.  Mounting from a high wall, got me the same response.  Occasionally I could get on, but found my mouth ended up scooping up dirt within minutes. She didnt appear lame in the slightest, so my first stop was to get a new saddle, one that fitted better, she had filled out by then in comparison to when Id bought her and 16 and a half inches was not enough for me, I needed another inch.  So, having tried a few I decided on the wintec 2000 cair, which fitted like a glove and wasnt over pumped so it really did mould well to her.  I knew this fitted, but it was to no avail, It became quickly apparent that I didnt bounce as well as I did when I was a teenager and I couldnt sit a buck from this horse if my life depended on it I was ditched and severely hurt my back, I thank god to this day I had an old style back protector on which protected me to a level, because for weeks I was in absolute agony.    I gave Ebs a few weeks off, see if rest would ease whatever was up Nothing changed, as the days progressed I got more and more worried, I couldnt get on her, I was unable to lunge her.  I had sent away a horse you could lunge in an open field and I ended up with burns all over my hands.  I was at breaking point, she was enough to test me without this, but I now knew that there was something seriously wrong, I had exhausted all my options that I had, and was on the verge of calling the vets.  I was certain at this point that what I was dealing with was serious damage from the accident at the trainers.  I had been crying for her every night for weeks, so see such violent reactions scared the hell out of me in every way.  I was scared to try and ride her and scared for her and what this meant for our ridden future.  I was convinced it was unsalvageable and I had an exquisitely beautiful field ornament and certain that I was responsible as I had sent her away.  Make no mistake, Ebony was the strongest of characters I had ever  known, she could be commanding, was talented, was strong in her being and her attitude, but it was a front, the real Ebony as I had come to see over the months was increadibly fragile, constantly needing praise and reassurance.  Like a striking but delicate and beautiful orchid, I had no one else to blame for her current position than myself.  I realised how I wasnt cut out for a horse like her, she was beyond my experience, my skill set and my talent, and now I had no hope of finding someone that was because I had broken her.  I felt wretched.

Next door to where I worked was a fantastic horse shop (in which I had a tab cost me £1000s!).  Working there was a mutual friend of Lorraes and mine.  She was well versed on my problems with Ebs and I respected her as a horsewoman.  She recommended to me a woman by the name of Bu, suggesting I get her out to look at Ebony before I go to the vets.  Bu was a singular woman, eccentric and bizarre.  I owe this woman everything.  She was a trained Reiki specialist amongst other things, she moved to Dorset I think, if anyone ever reccomends her, use her, this woman has magic in her fingertips.  She just touched Ebony all over, no manipulation or poking and prodding, when she finally asked me to walk Ebs away from her she grabbed and yanked her tail, telling me she was all done.  Apparently, her pelvis was slightly out, as were a couple of vertebrae, what I know is that she manipulated the surrounding muscle in a way that the eye couldnt catch (and Ive seen a lot of different practices and understand how they work Bu, defied my understanding).

I am able to have faith in things unknown or unexplained, and my friend who was quite old school had warned me I would need it I never realised quite how much.  My father and I both looked at each other with what a load of bollox eyebrows and I asked her when she thought I would need a follow up visit (not intending on having one from someone who was so obviously a charlatan). Bu told me that I would not need her again, she told me that fleecing people for money through numerous sessions where one could suffice was not her thing, for her it was all about the horse, and if she could fix it in one session (as she told me she had for Ebs) she did.  So, I paid her £50 and she told me to chuck her out in the field for a week and then get on and ride on, she told me she needed a few days to feel she was ok now, then she would be fine.


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## Queenbee (1 October 2012)

A week to the day, I kitted myself out, new back protector, new hat I was shaking like a leaf having spent so many times hurtling towards grass and soil and granite, my bottle had completely gone.  There was a circular raised bed with a tree in it, the wall of which was about 3 feet high.  My father held Ebs by the bridle and weighted the stirrup, both of us, hearts in mouth as I had been dragged numerous times and he had been ploughed down.  I remember even in my peripheral vision I clocked her ears and stance, ears forward, never wavering, and her stance was completely relaxed and free of tension.  Still, it was a wary foot that I placed in  that stirrup.  I remember well the moment when I felt the link between the pressure that my foot put in the stirrup,  and the weight being balanced by my father on the other side, the contact that I took up one handed with the reins incase she bolted and the fact that her ears stayed forward  I was in the saddle and everything felt different and right but I was still scared, convinced that it couldnt be this easy to fix her, I would remain this way for quite some time.

Our first day was a walk to the end of the drive and back, a mere two minutes, but it was enough, for my nerves at that point, and she behaved impeccably.  From that day forward we never revisited that problem again, she was always perfect to mount and I knew deep in my bones that this horse would communicate to me in some way when she was in pain, she was not a horse to suffer quietly.

For weeks we walked, learning the local hacks, working in a bit of trot, but with the close call on my back and her violent reactions, canter evaded me.  The thought of planning on this hack we will canter scared the bejesus out of me, and I had pretty much resolved that she would be my happy walk and trot hack. So convinced was I that canter would be out undoing, she would buck me off, I would break irrevocably.  This was a far cry from the teenager that galloped on grass verges, cantered downhill at breakneck speed over 3ft cross country jumps, overtaking her competition on the way.  I never rode without my back protector and my back protector gave me just enough confidence to ride.  I didnt however, lament the old days as much I would have predicted I would have, my only focus and thought was that I could ride her, she was fixed and that was everything to me and more, she was still a monumental nightmare, bunny hopping when you tied her up, stressing and fretting for all she was worth, but she wasnt stabled at Croft William so life was bad but not too bad on her behaviour front, and as I said, we rode that was everything whatever gait we could do.  We went out for a lovely hack up towards White Alice (a little house on a crop of moorland, on the opposite side of the valley we lived in) we had a lovely steady trot and my face was glowing, I was flushed with happiness and in my element.  It was so easy and natural, just like 3 comes after 2, we cantered, I didnt think about it, I just asked, and it was everything I wished for, flowing, exhilarating, controlled, and perfect.  I had never felt happier or more at home than when we returned to Croft William that day.


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## ex racer rider (1 October 2012)

ooh, i cant wait for the next part.
Serriously though, you must write a book, you have a very easy and flowing writing style that really draws you in.... go on, do it!


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## Emilieu (1 October 2012)

wonderful. I feel like I'm there with you x


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## Queenbee (1 October 2012)

ex racer rider said:



			ooh, i cant wait for the next part.
Serriously though, you must write a book, you have a very easy and flowing writing style that really draws you in.... go on, do it! 

Click to expand...

Thank you  but my punctuation needs an overhaul! lol, reading back I keep wanting to make changes and admin won't let me!!!


Emilieu said:



 wonderful. I feel like I'm there with you x
		
Click to expand...

Thank you, that's a lovely thing to say, I write it and I read it, and I wish with all my heart that I was back living those moments, for all my frustration at her, I wish I could do it all again, I would cherish every moment 1000 x more than I did.


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## Emilieu (1 October 2012)

Too much cherishing at the time would rob the moment of the pure joy. Cherish the memories instead and thank you for sharing them xx


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## Queenbee (1 October 2012)

Holy reindeer poo! I just realised Ive got 5 stars on my thread, I am humbled, I am truly glad you are enjoying our story. Thank you


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## tikino (1 October 2012)

can't wait for the next part this is great


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## Charem (1 October 2012)

Great read QB, looking forward to the next imstalment


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## popeyesno1fan (1 October 2012)

WelshD said:



			Brilliant story so far 

When do we get part 2?
		
Click to expand...

ditto this. you have a great way with words, i'm hooked. you should become an author, if you are not one already. x


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## piebaldsparkle (1 October 2012)

An unexpected pleasure to find another installment (even if it meant I'm even later headed to bed now).


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## cally6008 (2 October 2012)

Just caught up


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## Queenbee (2 October 2012)

Oh shi tte! 2 hrs ago something possessed me to revisit my thread about ebonys last struggle... I feel sick and have cried solidly for 3 hrs...  I didn't cry much after losing her, I thought this was down to accepting that that would happen... I now realise I was wrong, my tears were lurking in  the rafters and I spent the last 3 hrs crying my heart out... I feel all kinds of wretched...

next instalment to follow soon x


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## cally6008 (2 October 2012)

(( HUGE HUGS ))


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## Spendtoomuch (2 October 2012)

Hugs for your last post, I can't sleep hence posting so late  
 Your story is really engaging to the reader and I agree with everyone who suggested you write a book.
I don't know your story ( don't venture pout of cr v often) but whatever happened I think your horse fell on feet when she met you  
 Big hugs hope you feel slightly better in the morning x


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## Emilieu (2 October 2012)

Huge huge hugs. Know just what you mean, I tried to do the same thing a few months after losing M and couldn't get past line one. It brings it all back xxx


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## Ladyinred (2 October 2012)

Beautiful story.. makes me smile and also brings a tear to my eye just as all good stories should. Thank you again.


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## Odd Socks (2 October 2012)

Such a beautiful story.  Please continue ...


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## emma.is (2 October 2012)

amazing, can't wait for the next instalment. HINT!


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## Nicnac (2 October 2012)

How did I miss this?  Great to find it now though as have read huge chunk in one go  

More more more please!


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## mandwhy (3 October 2012)

I am enjoying it too


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## PonyFeet10 (4 October 2012)

More please! Been checking this post religiously lol


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## piebaldsparkle (4 October 2012)

Humpt...........Can you all please stop posting!!!

I get all excited seeing there is a new post as think QB as done the next installment!


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## robden (4 October 2012)

Loving this so much, thank you for sharing x


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## BigGinger (5 October 2012)

Thank you for sharing this with everyone. I dont post too often but this read has really touched me...


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## Fransurrey (5 October 2012)

Once again, *cough*.


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## PingPongPony (6 October 2012)

Really enjoying reading this. Just wanted to remind you about this thread.. *waves* hellloooooo  *impatient foot tapping* *cough cough*


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## Ladyinred (6 October 2012)

You'll all have to cough louder, seems QB is on a little HHO holiday sadly. Sure she will be back soon.


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## smudge99 (6 October 2012)

I have just spent this morning reading this, what a lovely story .... Need a bit more now though, although I imagine the next few might be hard for the OP.


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## Odd Socks (7 October 2012)

Bump  cough cough


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## rhino (7 October 2012)

Harlequin Jazz said:



			Bump  cough cough
		
Click to expand...

OP can't post any more. She's been banned.


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## pogface (7 October 2012)

Banned for what? Not the most recent thread about her youngster?


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## rhino (7 October 2012)

pogface said:



			Banned for what? Not the most recent thread about her youngster?
		
Click to expand...

Nope. A thread in soapbox. I have messaged her on FB to see if she's going to be able to post again.


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## pogface (7 October 2012)

Thanks for info. 

will she be able to come back? Will it have to be under a different name? I enjoy her threads  hope she is ok x


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## rhino (7 October 2012)

pogface said:



			Thanks for info. 

will she be able to come back? Will it have to be under a different name? I enjoy her threads  hope she is ok x
		
Click to expand...

Have just spoken to her. She'll be allowed back in a week or so and will continue Eb's story. She also sends her love.


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## pogface (7 October 2012)

Good news. Glad she will be returning x


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## Emilieu (7 October 2012)

I'm pleased too. Look forward to the rest of her story. Please send her a wee hug from us Rhino x


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## jess2353 (8 October 2012)

great story ! X


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## Fransurrey (10 October 2012)

Naughty QB!!! Fancy getting all banned when we're waiting!!! Can't she email someone and they post it??

*stamps feet*


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## rhino (10 October 2012)

Fransurrey said:



			Naughty QB!!! Fancy getting all banned when we're waiting!!! Can't she email someone and they post it??

*stamps feet*
		
Click to expand...

She'll be back on the 15th, patience my dear! 

I've already been warned expressly against posting on behalf of a banned member so am content to wait!


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## piebaldsparkle (10 October 2012)

rhino said:



			I've already been warned expressly against posting on behalf of a banned member
		
Click to expand...

The FC gets a bigger **** *** by the day.

Give our love to QB and tell her she is missed (not only for her tale). xxx


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## Queenbee (17 October 2012)

rhino said:



			She'll be back on the 15th, patience my dear! 

I've already been warned expressly against posting on behalf of a banned member so am content to wait!
		
Click to expand...

Oh Rhino, I am sorry 



piebaldsparkle said:



			The FC gets a bigger **** *** by the day.
No comment

Give our love to QB and tell her she is missed (not only for her tale). xxx
		
Click to expand...

Thank you hun, I have and I phone so was able to follow this thread and see all your lovely messages.  I did see that there was someone suggesting that I may have 're joined' as a new user started posting about a bolshy cob around the same time as I went away, but it was not me, and i hope that whoever it was didn't end up accused of being me (god forbid there were two of me, the world couldn't cope). 

I actually quite enjoyed my holiday.  Considering what was going on, it was nice to have a break.  I got the job I interviewed for, booked a 5 star all inclusive spa holiday for next month (somewhere very hot) dumped my oh... something thats been coming for a long time and i am nothing but bouncy happy about, and ben has been a saint since the day he reared up and then dragged the electric fencing out of the ground and around the yard... so all is good.  Finally, I have become addicted to hayday and am on level 31... it is the centre of my universe 

I have missed you too my lovelies, and it was lovely to see all your posts on here asking about me and the thread, but I was not ignoring you, I was on holiday but Im baaaaack and so is the story....  well it will be tonight anyway



Oh the suspense....


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## Gracie21 (17 October 2012)

YAYYYY QB You're back! It sounds like you've been having a very productive time! Onwards & upwards! 

Can't wait for the next instalment!


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## Dipsy83 (17 October 2012)

Welcome back QB, can't wait to read the latest installment


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## Queenbee (17 October 2012)

Dipsy83 said:



			Welcome back QB, can't wait to read the latest installment 

Click to expand...

Thank you  and welcome to the forum


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## thatsmygirl (17 October 2012)

Iv just found this thread and love it. 
your mare looks like mine and the same behaviour although we have an understanding, just can't let anybody else ride or handle her.,
look forward to the next part I'm loving it


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## Jenna1406 (17 October 2012)

Just read this whole story, its lovely.  Really does feel like you are right there with you.

Cant wait for the next installment


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## Emilieu (17 October 2012)

Boooooo!
 I saved this thread for opening when I was all cosy at the back of Deano's stable with a cuppa so I could enjoy the update and now I find no update! *stamps feet*

Ha ha, welcome back QB what an eventful time away you have had. Massive well done on the job and super jealous of the holiday plans


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## MorvenGirl (17 October 2012)

Have been in tears, smiling and nodding knowingly at this lovely recollection, more please and try not to get banned again, not sure we can cope!! 

Agree that you should consider publishing as a book, what a wonderful way to cherish your girl in print. You have a really nice way with words, totally drawing the reader in.

Next chapter please??!!!


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## Dizzydancer (17 October 2012)

Come on QB you are back you have had a week off to get it all written out! I can't wait much longer!


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## Equilibrium Ireland (17 October 2012)

I'm so glad I found this thread. QB, thank you.

Terri


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## ridefast (17 October 2012)

I can't wait I can't wait I can't wait! I really think you should write a book and I will buy it.


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## PingPongPony (17 October 2012)

Yey!!! Welcome back  Now then, it is already 'tonight' soooooo, c'mon, we need the rest of the story


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## jrp204 (17 October 2012)

Welcome back QB, hope all is well down G's


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## Damnation (17 October 2012)

Have just read your story so far.

I am enthralled!

Next bit please


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## Odd Socks (17 October 2012)

It's 'tonight' already! Pleeeeeaaassseeee????


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## TJP (17 October 2012)

Just cried and smiled my way through this thread. You have a lovely writing style, it's easy to picture the 2 of you through your story. More please x


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## Queenbee (17 October 2012)

Alrite! Gosh keep your panties on

Are we sitting comfortably, no?  Well I shall begin anyway &#8230;

So, we had had our first and very elusive canter together since her accident and I was full of enthusiasm and happiness, but above all pride for my sexy diva, by now I had tidied her up (more to the horse you see in the photos) gone was the friesian mane, long and flowing and instead we had a beautiful strong striking neck with a short mane, a nicely cut and clipped tail showing off her sexy bum, but we had no topline, no muscle structure, we were fixed but essentially stripped back to a very nice looking blank canvas.  The one field was transformed into a schooling area, and we started in earnest hacking for fitness and schooling for suppleness and finesse, although the latter was still very tricky, she was very stubborn and just didn&#8217;t know how to go &#8216;properly&#8217; so Ebony and I continued to &#8216;train&#8217;  we sacked the schooling and focused on learning to jump.  

I remember that I just couldn&#8217;t lunge her over poles, she wasn&#8217;t relaxed on the lunge like she used to be before her accident and I didn&#8217;t want to stress or push her, so we just got on with it under saddle.  Looking at the pictures you would never think we had such a time of it learning to jump, but we did!  We would go into the jump and she would just slow and stop, my friend Lorrae tried giving me a lead, that didn&#8217;t work, I tried &#8216;liberty&#8217; style work&#8230; again same result.  The woman who had suggested Bu come work on Ebony, suggested that I completely drop the contact&#8230; Literally baggy reins, this worked.  Suddenly at home we were flying over jumps&#8230; this was it, this was what I missed and Ebony was just excelling, she was in her element, she enjoyed it, had confidence, she could do this and do it well and she knew and loved it &#8230;

Two weeks later&#8230; She just stopped and I ate dirt!  God I remember how infuriating it was, I learnt to hate dirt with that mare    I was not impressed, I wasn&#8217;t mad at her, I was just confused&#8230; she was sound, fit and happy, she was not being over jumped and I hadn&#8217;t changed anything&#8230; I couldn&#8217;t work it out.  I decided that I would turn her away for a couple of days, this often worked and gave her time to sort her head out.  Like the time when I was trying to teach her the correct leg to strike off in in canter, she just couldn&#8217;t get it and it felt like she was being deliberately obtuse, but she wasn&#8217;t her brain was just in overload and she genuinely just couldn&#8217;t work it out&#8230; she was given 10 days off that time and I bought her back in to the school intending to not even ask for canter, but I couldn&#8217;t make her walk, she kept bouncing around like a pogo stick at the corners, so I dropped the reins and sat back and let her do what she wanted, and what she wanted to do was strike off on the right leg in canter, she hadn&#8217;t just processed what I had been trying to teach her 10 days before but like a child desperate to please, she just HAD to show me, she seemed so excited and proud to have worked it out, and I was proud of her, I was always so proud of her, she was such a clever little horse.  So I chucked her away, bought her in and nearly ate dirt again&#8230;  I didn&#8217;t eat dirt (progress for my seat &#8211; Yay) but neither did we make it over the jump (not yay).

So off I toddle to work, perplexed and disgruntled, whilst mrs &#8216;I can jump but won&#8217;t for some unknown reason&#8217; suns herself in the field, and I discussed this with my friend who had told me to &#8216;drop the reins&#8217;.  She offered to come and give us a bit of a lesson, well to be a pair of eyes on the ground.  We approached the jump, and epic fail&#8230; we stopped.  I was told to pick up the reins, she knows her job now, but she is searching for you, she needs you now&#8230; Problem solved and we are flying again.  No matter how small the jump with Ebony, you can see from the pictures we always flew, she was never one to jump a small jump small 


By now it was time to get to the shows, we were jumping small courses at home, had been for about a month and I arranged to take Ebony to a local show&#8230; Lorrae was there without a horse, and it was a lovely friendly show, the plan was to just walk madam around and let her see the sights for her first outing.  She loaded well, a bit wary but ok and we got to the show&#8230; MY GODFATHERS!  She turned into the deamon spawn, you couldn&#8217;t even consider tying her up, she would bunny hop, she was dripping wet by the time we arrived at the show, she had always done this, although this was her first &#8216;trailer&#8217; ride.  She would not drink at a show&#8230; she never would.  I got on her back and she paced and jogged, I walked her up and down the road but it did nothing, she was tense as a tense thing, stargazing and hollow, ears pricked and buzzing.  We tried so very hard with the walking around but every time we walked anywhere in sight of the practice jump she would bounce sideways towards it&#8230; she was saying &#8216;I know this mummy, that&#8217;s my job, its what I am here for&#8217;  So I though sod it, throw the rule book out the window&#8230; this horse doesn&#8217;t follow rules anyway!  We sailed the practice jump, woo hoo!  I remembered the feeling of competing Pickles and Cloud and it felt that good, and this was just a practice jump.  We did it a few more times and my jogging mare simmered down and relaxed, strutting around the showground like the queen bee she really was.  The clear round wasn&#8217;t open that day as there were not enough people to man it, and I was not ready to take her in the actual competition ring, but the next thing I knew lorrae was building the clear round and volunteering to man it, we came home with two clear round rosettes that day.

Unfortunately the journey home was equally memorable, but not in a good way.  Ebony decided she did not want to load and we tried for 2 hrs to coax her in,  hacking her home was not an option, and at one point all hell broke loose when someone that I would quite happily have killed, walked up to her and cracked her on the backside really hard with a spare leather headcollar.  She couldn&#8217;t deal with this, and I will never forget that moment, I broke for her&#8230; still, at some point we got her in and made it home.

Boxing was obviously the next issue on the agenda, and all thoughts of showing were temporarily put on hold, the autumn was swiftly approaching and I bought my own trailer, thinking that we could work on this over the winter.  It was nothing special, a bateson trailer, with a new floor, seen years of use but very well cared for&#8230; so into the breach I went&#8230; with Ebony, repeating to myself the mantra &#8216;don&#8217;t give in she will know she can win&#8217; 5 hrs later, she was still on the wrong side of the box, the rain was coming down and it was unsafe to try and load her on the wet rubber matting&#8230; so I gave in, feeling thoroughly down trodden, wanting to make an Ebony doll and stick pins in it&#8230; God all mighty I was trying, really trying to give her everything in my world, the home with me, stable, horsebox, love, attention and she was defying me and chucking it back in my face.  Once again the tears fell.  

There is a fantastic chap around these parts called David Micklam, He builds courses, teaches, and is an all round good horseman.  I rang him up, and explained the situation&#8230; I expressed that under no circumstances could my mare be hit, she couldn&#8217;t deal with it.  He agreed to come out, and did say to me that it may be that she just won&#8217;t tolerate/cant deal with you hitting her.  He took one look at my mare and agreed with me&#8230; hitting my mare would be like taking a hammer to porcelain.


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## Queenbee (17 October 2012)

As luck would have it, Ebonys recent dislike of lunging and lunge lines came in very handy, we corraled her, making a box out of 3 gates and the back of the trailer, and just guided her up there with the leadrope behind her god, he made it look so easy!!  We must have loaded her 30 times that day, and from that day on we parked at a hedge wherever we went and always kept a lunge line in the boot.  It was a rare occasion when she would question loading, but if she did she only had to see that you had a lunge line and she would be in there like a shot  even after she lost her worries about lunging and lunge lines!  After about a year, she never questioned boxing and would load perfectly even if she hadnt seen a box for a year.

That winter Apollo came to live with us, and so did my cousin  Apollo was a gangly gypsy cob, the other horses that had been left behind by the previous owner had been taken away, and so Apollo came to us for company, loaned by the person who sold Ebs to me his time with us was short lived, which was unfortunate, because I really liked that cob, he was cut and shut and gawky and had a wall eye but such a kind heart, he taught my cousin to ride, and lorrae who was also living with us by then once forgot to double check his girth before a hack when my cousin was riding him, so he taught my cousin how to fall off, spectacularly, from canter.  Unfortunately he spent many days tied up because he kept scaling the walls and trying to make it off down the road in search of his old home.  So he went back to his owner.

With the loss of my grandmother, and the bequeathel off a small sum of money to my mother, my sister and my mother, both having enjoyed horses in the past now had their passion rekindled by Ebony, she was not just my horse, she was one of the family, everyone had seen her journey and my fear that she would never be ridden had been shared by them.  As I said earlier, mine was not a particularly horsey family, in the sense that I was the first person to own and care for a horse, but both my sister and mother, had years before ridden suddenly there were two more horses at our home, the three that had been left behind by the previous owners had long since gone, my sister losing the one she had been given so it was fantastic to have two more mares at the yard.  One was a beautiful shire, 13 years old, a gentle matriarch for my sister, and a gypsy cob for my mother unbroken and previously badly treated.  My mother only ever rode annie twice, but both times she was overwhelmed and so happy, unfortunately my mothers back became very bad and continuing to ride just wasnt possible.  Still, we kept her for a few years hunted and showed her before finding her a fantastic owner.  Suddenly the 3 horse we had became four with the arrival of Sprite, lorraes little welsh b and then five, with the arrival of her new unbroken warmblood ollie!  The herd just kept growing, although it became apparent, that there was one definite boss, and her name was queen bee.  Annie did the bullying and booting she was the muscle, but she deferred to ebony.  At a later point in the story, I acquired three more, and you could feed all of these individually within their field.  That was contentment 

So, that winter, ebony and I, we hacked when we could and started hunting, Annie went off to boot camp and Lorrae started to help me exercise her, we hunted together, no jumping but just four girls having a lot of fun.  I got a new job, I wanted some time out and decided to work at a local stud, I got to hack ebony to and from work everyday which kept her fit, was a lovely experience for me and more importantly it was during one of these hacks that ebony had her lightbulb moment, suddenly, something felt wrong, so right, but so wrong because for a couple of years now I had been riding her and never felt this she just started to grow one minute Im riding Ebony, the next it feels like Im riding a 17hh horse this was later lovingly referred to as the power-house  Ebony had finally found her outline, and from that day forward she found it everytime we hacked or schooled.


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## Piccy (17 October 2012)

Sometimes you read something and it touches you in a way you cannot express, I look forward to the next installment thank you so much for sharing your amazing story.


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## Sunshine (17 October 2012)

I've only just found this thread and it's enthralling! 
So much emotion, love and frustration, comes through in your posts - she must have been such an amazing character. Please keep the instalments coming, and you must definitely contact a publisher to make this into a book.


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## tankgirl1 (17 October 2012)

Wow - just wow! What a wonderful story and so fantastically written! Thank you for sharing Queen Bee - can't wait for the next instalment!


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## fjordhorsefan (17 October 2012)

LOVE this thread!  You should definitely publish xx


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## piebaldsparkle (17 October 2012)

Good to see you back QB xxx


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## ridefast (17 October 2012)

You really have a gift for writing


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## Equilibrium Ireland (17 October 2012)

Yes QueenBee this is fantastic. You have made us "know" your mare. This thread is why I enjoy HHO. Again, thank you.

Terri


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## thistledonicely (17 October 2012)

Really enjoying reading about your special girl.  Thank you for sharing her with us.


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## Queenbee (17 October 2012)

The following spring saw the dawn of a new era, Lorrae, having settled her personal issues moved back home and Ollie and Sprite left the fold never far away and always in touch, we started to go to shows together and really enjoy ourselves.  My cousin had also settled her personal issues and had since moved in with her partner.  Over the winter I had been working at the stud, this didnt last long because what the owners knew about horses and the management of mares foals and stallions could be put on the back of a postage stamp a really small postage stamp.  But during my time there, I met a chap who also worked there, we became good friends, nothing untoward, just good friends one day he turns up at work looking pretty ashen, he tells me that his daughter is on her way to live with him with her little girl.  He had only seen his daughter once in 17 years, since he split with her mum that was at his wedding the year before.  Well, his daughter is horse mad, having worked in the racing industry before she had her daughter, so she comes up to the yard.  There are times when you meet someone and you just know, there is just this magnet that holds you two together, that is what we have, we became the best of friends at that very moment I think and two weeks later she and her daughter were living with me in my caravan.   We had such amazingly fun times, and she and her daughter did a lot of bonding and emotional healing whilst they were there.  We had midnight shopping expeditions on payday to tesco, my mum babysitting we would toddle off and wait for our cash to go into our accounts.  Her daughter cut the hair off the kittens and smothered herself in lip balm K cried, broke down, and healed a little bit more each time.  K, is a lover of spiders (the only reason I think she is an idiot) and she refused to remove a spider from our bath for a week!  I had to have a bath at the big house until I told her chuck it or I drown it in scalding water  it bit her!   She eventually met Lorraes brother and the rest is history, wedding bells and children.  At a later date she taught Annie to jump, we went to scorrier and practiced on the xc course, I will never forget Ks face, the woman who loved only TBs sat on the back of a full on Gypsy cob, screaming Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy as she went up the steps on the xc course, cheeks flushed and a huge grin on her face, her new found man watching and filming her in her element.

That spring the competing started in earnest.  We shared transport with Lorrae and Ollie, being picked up by her husband en route. We kept it small, more of the little shows, working hunter, in hand showing and showjumping.  We had a mixed bag of it that year to say the least:

Showing in hand: Best Grass Kept
As you may or may not have gathered by now, Ebony was not one for doing things as requested, she was a free spirit, a strumpet and a diva, she was her own little bundle of frustration and that didnt bode well for showing.  At the first show, we tried showing under saddle but she just wouldnt stand still, so for the purpose of experience and training we entered into Best Grass Kept in-hand.  It is not often that a judge feels the force of the lash of my tongue, but that day she did.  So, it is the beginning of the season and I take a gleaming TB x who had wintered out all winter, coat shining, looking drop dead (in a good way) you can see her ribs, but only the slightest shadow.  In the ring with us are the fluffy, fat and scurfy brigade, you know the sort  And we are pulled up last.  I am not overly worried because my mission, to get ebony to stand still and calm in a line up has been thoroughly accomplished and I am very proud of her, but I am also upset for her, she has come last.  So I stop the judge and ask why.  Her response was the good old Id like to see her with a little bit more weight on she says smiling sweetly  She wasnt smiling so sweetly by the time I left the ring, having mentioned words like laminitis and overgrown hooves on the competition and glasses.


Show Jumping. Gwenapp
Well, showjumping was interesting, and Ebony soon became well known, understood and loved at Gwenapp.  She was not so confident away from home and we always went into the mini stakes first, and she always had some kind of problem at every jump going around.  At this show they keep the course the same and just raise the height for the next class, and for a while, we would get the smug looks from the competitions when we entered the next round the shes no good and no competition looks, but we knew better, once Ebs had done it once, she dominates it.  And we wiped the floor with them, and it was so much fun.  We once took such a sharp route round from one jump to the next and when lorrae pointed out I could have taken a much smoother route, I pointed out that my brakes failed when I got in the ring and that I would not have been able to stop her locking onto another jump and taking it she was that on fire where jumping was concerned.

Working Hunter
By this time Ollie and Lorrae were rocking and rolling, we were competing in the working hunter novice and our friend was helping the judge. We went in to jump, I was clear and Ollie and Lorrae had one refusal (which considering Lorraes nerves re jumping was fantastic)  We then went in to the show ground to do our show.  I cannot stress how much at this point in her life, jumping was Ebonys firecracker you did not jump, then show her that is red rag to a bull, showing in an arena with jumps, that she has just jumped Epic fail!  When we broke into our gallop along the longside, the judge muttered to my friend is that controlled, no, I dont think it is controlled! as we handbraked it around the corner managing god only know how to stay inside the ring and slow down.  You know those moments on TV where someone is caught behind the bike sheds with someone they shouldnt be and they come out straightening their clothes and their hair, lipstick smudged trying for all the world to look like they were just looking for a lost earring and nothing is wrong, but it so obviously is well that was me  but Ebony, oh you could not be mad or frustrated with her, she was buzzing and happy and so proud, thinking she had done me proud.  Bless poor lorrae who put on a fantastic show with her young boy, she was the only one to have a refusal so we beat her.

Showjumping. Frogpool
Towards the end of the season we were truly flying, the progress we had made was amazing.  Ebony no longer needed to practice over mini stakes, she was way more confident.  We took it up a gear and went further afield, we were doing so well, that I backed off with my leg, had we made it over the jump it would have been a box jump of that I am positive, but it was the first Blue jump we had encountered (I mean really blue) a big wall, and we didnt make it over, but I didnt hit the ground.  I called it a day, took the practice jump a couple of times and went home and made a blue wall.  We went off to some other shows and everything was fine.

Autumn came, and with it came the XC season,   We did Gwenapp, and scorrier, I got ditched at scorrier because madam had only ever been there practicing and the flags were bad enough but when we rode through a gate and saw a human and a dog, well, it was all too much and there was me on my butt with my beautiful, sharp, silly mare gazing down at me like I had obviously done something wrong because I wasnt where I was supposed to be!  The second time at scorrier, we went clear, just as we had at Gwenapp but the best of it was that we were galloping up to the water jump ebony hated water but had practiced this many a time so we should have been ok, but theres this young chestnut horse backing off and posing a right stubborn argument to its owner, the steward is heard by me to say back off take a lead from this one  Instantly I inwardly groan there is no way in hell that Ebony will take the water jump after seeing another horse not want to go in, she just isnt like that. Suddenly, my horse steps up a gear, surging forward with knew intent, she knows what to do and it is her job to show the youngun the ropes.  I can feel her saying follow me, this is a since, see how I do it and suddenly, my beautiful and inexperienced darling mare is being the teacher.


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## Queenbee (17 October 2012)

We plan one more trip out before calling competing a day, a fantastic and impressively built course at Porth Valley, Slightly more challenging but no higher, this should be the perfect end to a season during which my mare has come so far and excelled herself, and I know in every sense that we are ready, her confidence, technique and ability is there.  Lorrae works herself up to doing it too with Ollie, this is a huge step for her, and we decide since its a new course we will only do the 26 course,   We walk, memorise, and turn up on the day. Suited and booted we mount and prepare to warm up,   Ebony, as ever these days is feeling exceptional, she knows her job and her job is jumping and going swiftly she knows whats coming and cant wait.  The right amount of tension is there, the anticipation without her boiling over into some foaming fury, I dont quite know how but we have it all nailed.  Warmed up on the flat we take the practice jump a couple of times, surprisingly it is not a wing and poles but a proper xc jump set aside for the purpose of warm up


Then it happens, everything unravels, our happy little bubble is burst Ebony hits the jump, its a log, it doesnt give, it just stays there she doesnt falter, or stumble or fall, but she hits it and it doesnt give, and it hurts, more than normal and she isnt used to jumps not giving.  I try with earnest to get her back over it, and I manage it, but the damage is done, her confidence is knocked.  At this point I am thinking that because she jumped it, we are ok, that she will be ok and that she may just jump bigger this time.  We get into the starting gate and are off, its like riding her a year ago all over again, she is hollow, she barely breaks into canter, preferring instead to trot to the jump, backing off for all she is worth, she refuses the first time, takes it a second, but the next jump, no matter how easy it is is just not going to happenand we retire, my fragile little girl is broken, and it is another hurdle we will have to overcome, more confidence to build, more lessons to learn, at least we have all winter.  But I don&#146;t have long because as I am riding back towards the start/finish.  Lorrae has bottled it and is waving her bib in the air telling me to give Ebs to her and get on Ollie I have never sat on Ollie and this is his first ever xc course, but I dutifully do so and I barely have the bib on and my bum in the seat and I am off, someone else has my mare and her husband is going off to inform the stewards of the swop!  Oh christ, I am on an alien horse who has never been xc before apparently everywhere around all people could hear was me screaming Good Boy Ollie! Good Boy!!! as he pulled a blinder and came around clear.  So very proud of myself that day and pleased as punch for Lorrae, but I remember looking our of the window on the way home and feeling once again a bit of despair.  Over the years there were many times when I considered that I wasnt cut out to ride such a sharp haughty mare as ebony, but then I also knew that I would never forgive myself if she ended up hurt and broken because she ended up down the road in the wrong hands, with unsympathetic owners or someone who didnt understand her.  I understood her, but my god, it was a challenge owning her and fixing her issues as and when they decided to crop up and sometimes I didnt feel like I had the energy and sometimes I didnt feel I had the knowledge and experience, but I knew I loved her and would drive myself into the ground for her.  I knew enough of Ebony to know when I was sat in that car, that that solid practice jump had just opened up another can of worms for me to deal with, and just the thought of it made me weary.

Within days, I knew what my tactic must be, I had to get her out in the thick of it, my spindly legged dainty mare, had to become a die hard hunter, for real.  She had to learn to jump out in the thick of it


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## Queenbee (17 October 2012)

Thank you to everyone who is reading and enjoying or has commented on the thread.  I am so glad you are enjoying this story of me and my beautiful mare... It is fantastic to be able to share it with you all and I just wish she had not been taken from me so soon


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## Mrs C (17 October 2012)

Welcome back QB and thanks again for sharing. It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship xx


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## Queenbee (17 October 2012)

Mrs C said:



			Welcome back QB and thanks again for sharing. It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship xx
		
Click to expand...

Thank you Mrs C, yes a wonderful relationship but certainly the most challenging one, but isn't that always the way with _the one_.  In any context _the one_ is someone who can and does make you feel every kind of emotion possible, to extremes sometimes...  but they are the ones who make you feel whole, or rather less complete when you contemplate or experience their loss.


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## PonyFeet10 (17 October 2012)

Fantastic!! Keep it coming I could read her story all day. I also own a TB mare called Ebony, similar in some ways to yours. Your story is very much so an inspiration, I love it


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## Surreydeb (18 October 2012)

Absolutely loving this!


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## caithness_1 (18 October 2012)

Queenbee said:



			Thank you Mrs C, yes a wonderful relationship but certainly the most challenging one, but isn't that always the way with _the one_.  In any context _the one_ is someone who can and does make you feel every kind of emotion possible, to extremes sometimes...  but they are the ones who make you feel whole, or rather less complete when you contemplate or experience their loss.
		
Click to expand...

What a beautiful definition. I don't often comment, but I, like many others, have been captured by your story. Looking forward to the next part.


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## Queenbee (18 October 2012)

caithness_1 said:



			What a beautiful definition. I don't often comment, but I, like many others, have been captured by your story. Looking forward to the next part.
		
Click to expand...

thank you  when Im rich and famous you can 'quote' me

here is a bit more of our bumpy journey and the next instalment is being worked on as we speak...

So I bought a sedate mare, when I purchased her she was living off hay and no grass,  living out, infrequently ridden and only ever along the same track at walk and trot, she had been allowed to get away with murder.  Since I paid for her and moved her she had repeatedly blown her brains, jumped out of stables and fields due to separation anxiety, broken down stable doors too, ditched me repeatedly mainly with spooks and stops but also due to damaging her back through a catastrophic accident whilst away being trained by someone who should have known better, she was unstableable and hated travelling.  I had hurt my back, so had she.  She had been a cow over being trimmed, and shod and having her hooves picked out She had learnt to jump, and learnt it hurt when she clouted a jump.  She had learnt to canter and work in an outline, although working in an outline was never simple you always had to invite her with open and low arms as you would a youngster then pick her up.  

Things were never easy with her, but looking back we had come a hell of a long way from the day I met her, I often wished that I had found her earlier, she would not have been so set in her ways and so lacking in confidence, we could have taken it slowly, just as we did but we would have had less issues I think.  But we didnt meet earlier, and we did have issues, and we now had a new one confidence over jumps.

The hunting season was swiftly approaching and those three ponies that I had mentioned they arrived.  I was told about them they belonged to a pretty notorious dealer who was on his way to prison and his stock was due to go for meat.  I was being begged to go up to the yard and see this little black Dartmoor filly and give her a home.  I was in great conflict, I already had three girls taking up my time, my mum unable to ride anymore, my sister had unfortunately just lost interest the idea of having a horse far more entertaining than having one.  I knew it would be irresponsible to say yes.  Two nights before the sales my mum asked me what was wrong, I told her about this filly.  The next morning armed with all the cash that my mum and I had in our wallets, my sister and I drove to the dealers yard to see the filly, and to buy what we could with the money.  I remember it like it was yesterday (corny I know, but I do)  It was graphic and broke my heart.  I had mentally prepared and detached myself, knowing that I was going to a not so nice dealers yard and all that that entailed.  We looked around the yard, an appy knee deep in mud in a barn, and in the bigger barn every stable was leaking urine and masticated bedding there were some gorgeous horses there and I wept for them, but I did hope that at the sales some of them would be snapped up and given good homes, and the rest would hopefully meet a swift end which was better than their current situation.  Then we were outside the door of the stable

There were two in the stable, she caught my eye to begin with a proper mini diva, fluffy and covered in god only knows what, she was right at the door looking, interested and curious.  She was jet black and another proper show stopper you could see it.  Next to her was an Exmoor x type, a couple of inches bigger than her, curious, but a bit more timid, she looked gentle.  The Dartmoor had been bred by Diana Coaker and the Exmoor x had been running with a 13 .2 appy stallion.  They were like fish in a tank, thats how I remember them steady and watching but one move of the hand and they scattered running around the stable.  

I have sometimes, deep feelings, when I just know something.  Like the time I was in the local pet shop, looking at tropical fish.  I had been in this pet shop a hundred times before, and never had there been a catbut I just knew there was.  She is sat upstairs on my bed now, after at the age of 21 I sat on the floor of the Pet Shop in protest until my dad leant me the money for her.  Im looking at these two fillies and I knew there was someone else there, he wasnt cowering but he was right at the back of the next stable, a tiny little thelwell, bay with a star the size of a tennis ball on his head a head that was down, everything about his body language showed that he was trying to make himself invisible.  He looked up to me and again there was warms but such timidity.  I was not leaving without them all.

We watched as the three ponies that I purchased for £75 were herded up the gangway into the loose box, they were scared enough of humans, but still every time they turned around they were given an alcothene pipe across the face. I remember telling my sister not to say anything or we wouldnt get them out of that god awful place.  We stiffened our resolve, and I told myself that what happened here, stayed here, their lives begin when that trailer door closes.  I handed over the money, and got in the car and off we drove with Maddison (the Dartmoor), Harvey (the Thelwell) and Connie (the Exmoor x)

So suddenly, three became six, I probably wont go into too much more detail on these, we worked with them and rehomed them, I remember seeing Harvey following a six year old girl around an open field on the leadrope like a puppy, all his world focused on her and my heart bursting, a week later they had a saddle on his back, and this little girl was riding him and had renamed him star, and I felt my goal was achieved, to give these ponies a chance.  They will however pop up in the story from time to time, especially maddie who was with us for the longest.

So, clipped out and smartened up for winter, Ebony and I decided to take on the hunting in earnest we were not entirely successful with this, because by now ebony had got a taste of hunting and she was rather enthusiastic.  It was all rather embarrassing to be honest, I never turned up at the hunt looking decent, It took two people to saddle her up, once her tack was on she would calm only enough for you to get on her back and then there was the meet inward groan excitement got the better of her and I learnt that my mare could perform the most spectacular and controlled rear full up.  Once we were underway, all was peachy as long as we didnt need to stop or anything, the jumping was good, the confidence was second to none but after about three hunts that season I just couldnt face the she devil that Ebony became when she knew she was going out hunting.  So it was back to hacking in earnest and jumping logs etc out on the hack.  Then one day, I walk into the field it must have been about November time, she is rugged and I put down her feed for her, and she coughs and there is murkey phlegm.  Ebony never coughed,  she never had phlegm.  I ran into the house holding my trouser leg out so I didnt loose my sample, put it in a sample pot that my mum has (she is a Health Visitor and always has such things).  Took ebonys temperature, checked her gums and rang my vets.  I got the antibiotics and they got the sample.  The results showed nothing, but her hacking cough persisted, the phlegm slowly eased but the cough stayed, a second course of antibiotics and I was warned that if she wasnt clear by the end of this then she would be sent away for investigation.  It broke my heart as I knew that what I should do was stable her, but for her that was the first thing I should do.  I always dreaded the idea of ever having to box rest her, I knew it would be too dangerous.

Miraculously, she started to pick up, the cough went and her appetite returned properly, we were out of the woods and having stressed and worried myself to tears for the last few weeks I was so relieved.  There must have been some lasting legacy from that cough though because for the rest of her life she always had to clear her throat once when being ridden, and twice in latter years she had low grade pneumonia and had to be put on sputolosin to shift the gunk.  Understandably, once again, all plans were put on hold, Ebony was given some time off and  spent the winter in light work.  I was proud of her, and she had done well, she deserved to rest.


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## Tammytoo (18 October 2012)

I am absolutely glued to this - my poor horses will be having a late tea!


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## JGC (18 October 2012)

What a lovely story, can't wait to hear more!


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## Queenbee (18 October 2012)

With six horses and ponies to feed, we decided to look for somewhere else to branch out and moved that winter to rented fields up the road with 7 acres and stables should we need them.  We rested the land at the house as back up if needed.  This place was only a mile or so away, and situated on one of my favourite canter paths, just down from White Alice, and the moors.  During the dark winter months, I could ride up the canter path and out onto the moors without touching a road.  

During the next 12 months or so, a lot happened.  I never really made it to any shows, the opportunity never presented itself and I was so busy I didnt really have any inclination.  I worked with the babies.  Connie, who had been in foal aborted, the vets think it was the Hep Virus a perfect little colt foal but she couldnt carry to term, a classic case of irresponsible breeding.  Harvey really came out of himself and he was so wonderful, until the day that we caught him trying to hump the shire, and the shire was bending her back legs for all she was worth trying to let him he was sectioned of in a separate field and castrated the same week. We got in a rider to help me with Annie the cob, she was a daughter of one of the vets, and she eventually moved on and bought a cob herself, Annie then had another rider who seemed perfect, but after buying her and moving her away, she asked we buy her back as away from home she just never got on her back so Annie returned to the fold.  K and Lorrae would come out with me on Annie and we spent our time hacking around the countryside.  Eventually Connie and Harvey were sold to new homes and I felt the need to get on with Ebony so we moved to prospect farm.  

By this time I had pretty much had my fill of my sister not pulling her weight, I had always committed to caring for Annie and helping my mum, but I was exhausted, I had four horses to care for, and It was always me going to see them, me paying for the feed and the rugs of a bleeding big shire so when I moved I had it out with my sister and explained that I just couldnt do it anymore.  I loved the shire, she was gentle and sweet, but she was hard work and she wasnt mine.  She moved the shire to prospect but paid full livery and it was like a breath of fresh air for me.  

At prospect, Ebony was stabled the nightmares were not over, but we made it as easy as we could for her.  She had a fantastic big stable, and understanding her temperament she was allowed to share the stable with Maddison, she was on a calmer and had a bar across the top of her stable the edge was taken off her stabling issue slightly.  Sian, started to ride Annie, and I was so pleased for her, she adored Annie, Annie adored her and adored being back in work.  I had a sand school with polly jumps and was in my element, hacking, schooling and jumping Ebony and teaching Annie all about coloured poles.  Unfortunately, as we had made the decision to sell Annie, she was just too good to not do much with us, and she went of to Dorset to a mother and daughter for a 6 month trial.  Maddison became quite the favourite with everyone, and a bond between her and Sian grew, Sian continued her handling and training and when we left prospect Maddison stayed with Sian, she was bought by the Yard Owner and Sian worked for the YO to pay for her.  So it worked out for Maddie too.  Unfortunately, my sister became slack again, and I grew tired of knowing that I would be asked to get her to call the wonderful yard became a quagmire in the winter, like nothing I had ever experienced before.  Ebony would come in from the field with her tail clumped together 2/3rds deep in mud.  It was just a case of too many horses too little space, and combining that with the stress of my sister, it was too much.  If I recall correctly, at this time my sister put her shire on loan to someone at another yard, and I moved to a yard with Ebony..  Slowly I was getting back to how it should be and able to spend some real quality time with my girl.

The new yard was fantastic, Ebony was not perfectly calm there but she was better in the stable still, during her time there the the owners lovingly nicknamed her the boss and the devil  Lorrae was there with Ollie too for a short while, although I cant recall why they left I think he went off on loan for her to start her family.  

Schooling and jumping were on the agenda and local shows were once again a possibility and a goal.  Unfortunately, or not as the end case may be, Annie came back to us, it was a heartbreaking decision for the mother and daughter who had her on trial, but the mother was not as confident as the daughter, she saw that the daughter had really bonded with Annie but they couldnt afford 2 horses and whilst she was very fond of Annie, she was just nervous with her and they needed one that they could both enjoy.  It worked out well, Lorrae had a sharer (Tamar) who is a fantastic rider, we paid her to produce Annie, she took on full care of Annie, and for the first time our Cob really looked like a cob, we clipped her legs out hogged her and Tamar schooled and schooled her and lovingly produced her for the show ring, I remember the day before her first show and Tamar was riding her in the arena, Lorrae and I were sat on the side and she was tweaking her hands and thus altering Annies head carriage asking which position suited her best, she really paid attention to detail.  I was so happy, Ebony was still stressy in her stable but no longer tried to jump out, she was schooling and jumping better than she ever had and I had finally cracked her fear of lunging too Life was damn near perfect.

Then a few thing happened at once, I cant quite recall the exact order but, my sisters loan fell through on her shire and she asked me if there were any spaces at my yard, there were but I said it was for her to deal with and was very specific with both the YO and my sister that the shires care was nothing to do with me I didnt resent the shire, I loved her but I couldnt deal with my sister not pulling her weight.  So the shire came to the yard, all three girls were back together.  Annie went to the first show and absolutely nailed it, she came third against some pretty fine cobs in her first show ever.  We were all so proud, and we had started to advertise her.  Around that time I ordered some hay and straw, the woman told me she would send her son out and the start of a relationship that lasted over five years, one throughout which Ebony proved even more of a lifeline to me than I ever conceived possible.

Amazingly, by this time I had owned Ebony for about five years, and I realise I made an error, since my ex and I split it was six years until I fell in love and let someone in, or even met someone that really turned my head.  On many levels looking back I wish I had ordered shavings and haylage from the local farm supplies instead!  I didnt however, I met X.

The first year was spent in relative bliss, he didnt put me high on a pedestal like my previous partner, which was good, I juggled him and horses, we started going out, he was a farmer and I would spend endless hours with him in his tractor or just curled up on the sofa with him, out on the town or at parties I was very happy.  

People came and went, trying to purchase Annie, and none of them were suitable, they were all novice.  Despite expressing that she was not a novice horse, all people saw was COB and they thought of riding school.  She was a genuine and loving horse but she was not this, and as we turned people away we started to despair that we would find the right person.  Keeping two horses on livery and paying for one to be produced is not easy and at that time it was not achievable for me even with the support of mum.  After a lot of thought I made the heartbreaking decision to advertise Ebony, and stop advertising Annie.  We thought that Ebony would produce for us a better class of purchasers and she was at a level where most of her quirks were solved and if we got the right competition home for her, then we would find a more appropriate purchaser for her.  This was the last thing I wanted but it would seem that there was no other option at that point.


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## Queenbee (18 October 2012)

Two things stick out at that time for me.  The first is what a very close call I had, I very nearly lost her and I dread to think what would have happened to me had I given her up knowing what an awful turn my life was going to take. With or without the bad times that came I would have forever regretted it if I didn't keep her by my side as I did. We had a mother bring her daughter out to see Ebony, they flew over the jumps, and the daughter looked to me like all her Christmases had come at once, they jumped about 3ft Ebony just on fire and loving it.  The daughter was at the time 15 I think and they were looking for a competition horse for her, they decided that Ebony may be just a bit to hot for the daughter, although at a later date, they all said how wrong this decision was and how Ebs would have been perfect as I said, lucky escape, although I would never have had a moments worry about her wellbeing had she gone to live with them.  The other thing is that we received a call for a viewing, I got on and rode Ebony for the woman, she had just finished uni and was looking for a horse Ebony felt possibly a bit tense, but she started to relax under me so once she relaxed the viewer got on.  I have never ever been so mortified, Ebony, my fizzy but non dangerous horse bronched around the school and ditched the woman riding her.  I was shaken to hell because I knew that what I was looking at was not hi jinx, this was what I must have had to sit when she had her bad back, something was wrong with Ebony, but she had been too sweet natured to try and ditch her mummy.  The weirdest thing is that only a week had passed between the other girl riding her and jumping her fine, and this.  Dread was seeping over me because I knew that something was wrong with Ebony, but also I was so mortified, I would never put anyone on her if I thought they may get hurt, I felt awful.  I immediately apologised and said that she wasnt for sale, that something must be wrong. Somehow, we got onto the topic of Annie, and that she was the one who was originally for sale.  I couldnt believe that this woman would want to try another one of our horses after the fall she had just had.  The rest is history Annie moved to a new home with this woman, she competes her and wipes the floor with all the big TBs on this little mean machine 14.3 coblet, she loves her and cares for her dearly.  There is a thread on here that is titled Who says cobs cant jump? its in picture gallery.  That is Annie and her owner 

At this point I decided to give myself a break, to enjoy my new found love and put Ebony into foal, we could both have a break and her legacy could continue.  We got the vet out, and it appeared she had an infection in her uterus, he suspected that this was what caused her session and god knows how she got it as she was only with mares but we had it treated, and decided to try the following year to put her in foal although that never happened, I didnt try and things were getting dark for me the next year.

So now I was down to one horse, and a new relationship that was going at that time pretty well.  My sister who kind of got up to her own tricks again eventually put the shire out on loan and later gifted her to K, who doted on her, she finally had the happy home and love and attention that she deserved.  In my sisters defence, I now know what a difficult personal time she was going through with her husband who many years later when she found the strength would become her ex husband.  But it was the right thing for all involved.

More and more of my time was being taken up with my relationship, I spent most nights there, and found myself caring for someone else.  It was not something that I minded at this point, we were happy and it gave me a sense of happiness in a different way to have the dinner waiting when x came home from a long hard day in the fields, and to keep a nice house. We had moved in together the first two weeks had been hell, I was ignored, not spoken to and had a back turned on me every night, I confronted the issue (he didnt want to share his space, even though unofficially he had been for months!)and I decided it was best to move out although that didnt happen because with the threat of that things got better and went back to good and after a while, for convenience Ebony moved there too so that I could juggle home life, work, horses and a social life.  It was a special very happy time for a few months, I could look out of the kitchen window, see my mare grazing happily in the field with the neighbours pony as a companion.  Walk my dog in the fields.  Curl up with the man I loved in front of the fire at night.  He didnt like the dog or the horses but it was a concession he made grudgingly, knowing that they came with me we were a package deal, not understanding how I felt about them but knowing this was how it was.


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## Queenbee (18 October 2012)

Once again, I'd like to thank everyone for reading this, of course I wouldn't be posting it if you weren't enjoying it, but its lovely that you are.

I just want to take a moment to add a side note to the story.

I have noticed that throughout this story, I have occasionally got some events muddled up in the time line. For example certain things that happened at certain locations in fact happened at the previous location, but I felt them important in our story, and the story is essentially the same.

The next part of the story is pretty harrowing for me, and I will not be including some of its extremes, it would not make nice reading, and it is hard to admit that it went on for so long.  There are some on here that will remember me talking about leaving my OH years ago, but it only really and truly ended recently.  Some people say that it is not a weakness to stay around when times are really bad, they say it is a strength.  I don't know about that, I felt pretty weak at times, and at others fiercely defiant.  but for four years or so, I stuck with a bad deal, leaving and being sucked back into a toxic and dangerous relationship.  I will at times, be posting parts of it, to show what what going on, how it affected me and my beautiful girl.  Sometimes we dont see whats going on, sometimes we do but we make excuses or refuse to acknowledge.  Sometimes we have hope and a belief that it may, just may get better, and other times we know of no other way than to try and survive what we are going through and don't see any other possible options available.  I know all of these feelings.  So the next part of our story is full of ups and downs, for both me and Ebony.  Not because of her behaviour which was exceptional  but because of me, and my relationship.  So please bear with me, it can get a bit hard sometimes to think of just how long I wasted my life and what happened to me, and how this affected my time with Ebony.  But I want to be honest about it, covering it up would not be the true story of my darling girl and I


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## hrimfaxi (18 October 2012)

Thanks so much for sharing your story with us.

When things go wrong with horses sometimes I wonder why we have them, why we do it to ourselves when it is so painful to lose them. But then I wonder what I would have done without them! It's lovely to read this, with hindsight we can take the bad a little easier with the good.


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## cally6008 (18 October 2012)

I'm still reading and loving it.
You have captured us all in this,


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## ELFSBELLS (18 October 2012)

Hooked, x


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## Jenna1406 (19 October 2012)

This is my morning read now


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## Emilieu (19 October 2012)

A wee hug to help you when writing the hard bits.x


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## Luci07 (19 October 2012)

Never apologise for past actions when you have resolved them and they are behind you. The person you hurt was yourself. The person who got you out was yourself. I would dearly love to turn the clock on one of my relationships and eradicate it completely. However, it is part of life, you learn from mistakes and you ( hopefully) do not repeat them.  Keep up the story telling...!


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## Lea1985 (19 October 2012)

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww god I have loved reading this, got a lump in my throat. you are truely amazing queenbee


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## E13 (19 October 2012)

What a wonderful story, I have been following avidly. Can't wait for the next installment!


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## Queenbee (19 October 2012)

E13 said:



			What a wonderful story, I have been following avidly. Can't wait for the next installment!
		
Click to expand...


A warning to readers... this part is not quite so wonderful, its pretty dark



I suppose that things started to slowly creep up on me, without me knowing, as they so often do.  We often choose to ignore that dark curling alien feeling in the pit of our stomach, known to many as a sixth sense that things arent quite right.  Years later I was to realise that it wasnt me, it wasnt the relationship, it was inherent to the man I was with. When I met him, I wasnt allowed to put a hand in my pocket for anything, I used to have to wait for him to go to the toilet before buying a round, or else he would stop me from doing so, and I want to stress, what a lovely person he was during the first months.  I wasnt naïve, he really was good then, but I suppose that is the honeymoon period so to speak.  

So many little things began happening, and for the most part I chalked them up to us just settling into our new life.  I met up with the mother (S) of the daughter who had so nearly purchased Ebony out on the town one night and we started to go out on the odd girlie nights, either without the men or meeting up in town with our men, soon I was being encouraged to do this more often and meet him in town.  I kept coming home to find the door and the garden gate wide open, and arguments ensued regarding the safety of my dog, he kept encouraging me to send her back to live with my parents, which in the end I did, fearing for her safety so close to the road. A dark side of me that I kept quashing knew the gate incidents were deliberate.  At this time there was nothing untoward going on behind my back, but his dark side was showing, and it was becoming clear that in some way I was being punished for my animals through my animals.  Ebony and I were back to hacking, having no schooling facilities, and looking back I can see that by this time I was not so wrapped up in him, as I was low, we got out when we could, but some days, looking out the window and seeing her was as much as I could muster. Still there were still the really good times, when the clouds lifted, and we were good, but the bad kept seeping in like smoke under the door.  

It was may, Flora day and I had gone out on the town to watch the dancing and have a couple of drinks, X finished cutting the fields and came into join me.  I was really excited because a year before had been such a fun time with him, one of our first proper dates and I had been so happy.  I was in the pub and he rang and told me that he couldnt get in, there was a big cue and he was going next door.  I explained that I would finish my drink and meet him, something he was not happy about.  When I caught up with him, he was in a foul mood, so I went home, locked the door and went to bed.  At this point I will explain that I have a form of narcolepsy and I sleep like the dead quite literally.  Being a bit tiddly I had jumped into bed with underwear on (thank god) and was out for the count

I sat here for a full five minutes trying to work out how to explain what happened next, to get across the shock  and brutalitythe first and only thing I knew and felt was something grabbing my wrist and dragging me sideways, I hit the floor, a lot of the rest is confused as I was just waking up and in shock, he was dragging me down the stairs telling me to get out, that I had locked him out of his house and he had had to break the door down I hadnt heard the phone ringing.  I was half way down the stairs when I managed to persuade him to let me get dressed, there were two other people in the kitchen.  I was then thrown out of the house, falling back so hard I hit my head, got all amounts of cracks, scrapes and bruises.  Upon hitting my head he freaked out and asked his friends to help me up but I wouldnt let anyone touch me.  I am ashamed to say I lost the plot at this point, adrenaline and anger getting the better of me and I picked up a plant pot and hurled it at the window.  This was the first time I left him.  

My mother picked me up, and I sobbed all night, I was frightened for my horse on his land, hollow that of all the things that I believed him capable of, this I had never ever envisaged.  I looked like a stranger in the mirror and a multicolour stranger at that and my whole body ached from being pushed and pulled around.  I was horrified and mortified that not only had it happened, but there had been witnesses.  And my heart was breaking


I cant remember who it was that he messaged, me or my father but he told me not to worry about Ebony, that I was under no pressure to move her straight away, she could stay there as long as necessary, and if I felt more comfortable I could keep her on his other fields somewhere else.  I have to say that I took him at his word, I needed to sort my head out, collect my thoughts and form a plan for myself.  A week later he asked to meet me, I remember shaking as I saw him, he was mortified, and apologetic, he knew that I slept deeply, he was drunk.  In the beginning he was ashamed, remorseful and repentant five years on, it was never his fault!  So, I moved back, Ebony stayed and for a fair few months there were arguments but nothing to that degree, although none of it was excusable and he agreed to go to counselling, he went once and towards the end of the summer we booked a holiday to Portugal for the end of October, deciding to get away from everything and try to find the good stuff.  Things were often tentative, but they werent bad, but looking back I realise that they were bad, I was just learning to be grateful for the morsels of mediocre

We had discussed at length how the one field could not be fertilised, they were already rich and Ebony and her companion had a sectioned off area with grazing muzzles on part of the day.  He had agreed to this, as weight management was difficult on his already lush fields.  I came home to find the fencing had all been taken down, I put it back up and thought nothing of it, assuming that someone had just driven through the field.  A week later I discussed this with him and was informed that the fields had been fertilised.  I knew this was deliberate when I saw a smirk on his face, and my heart absolutely broke that he could inflict this hurt on me through endangering the wellbeing of my animals.  The grazing muzzles were left on 24hrs a day, the grazing they had restricted to a very minimum and within a week, they were moved to Ss livery yard, the day Ss husband picked them up the pony was laminitic. 

The pony was immediately seen and treated by a vet and farrier and with care and management got better, it was then returned to its owner, as Ebony being at a livery yard no longer needed a companion.

I had grown close to S and she had become a friend and a confidant, she knew my struggles, and her family embraced me and Ebony, her daughter who now had her own horse, still rode Ebony occasionally, and they were such a pair, to see someone clicking with Ebony and them getting the best out of her was a warming and welcome sight.  Not too long after I moved to the yard I decided to advertise for a sharer, I found, through H&H forum, a wonderful woman known to all on H&H as Twizzle, Ace photographer, rider and friend extraordinaire!  We took it slow with Ebs and Twizzle, it was her first loan, and getting the best out of Ebony was a technique you had to learn but slowly they were hacking and schooling and jumping.  X and I went off to Portugal and had a fantastic holiday, it really was like old times, no tension, no friction, no worries.  I came back overjoyed and went to sit the dogs for a week at my parents house whist they went away.

It was slightly off, but not as bad as it had been when we got back from Portugal, I had asked if we could go out on the town for Halloween, but he didnt like the whole dressing up, and so I stayed in with Twizzle and another livery, we had wine, and pizza.  At at three in the morning, I woke up feeling sick, not with overindulgence but with dread, something was very wrong and my heart felt like it was being crushed.  All I wanted was to be with him, to get in the car and drive to him.  I couldnt however, as I had Twizzle staying and I had had a drink.  The next day, I found a blonde hair in our bed and a witches hat in our livingroom Although I couldnt for the life of me get the truth out of him, it was his friend bringing back a woman apparently.  This I didnt believe at all but I needed complete facts.  I kept a fair distance from him but we didnt separate and three weeks later, S approached me at the yard ashen, and told me he was seeing someone.  I drove home and had it out with him not allowing him to respond, I got in the car left, knowing that he was going out of the country to see his children and I would have some peace.  He promised me he would finish it, and I had confirmation that it had begun on Halloween.  He did finish it, and then I had a 21 year old threatening to brick our window in saying she thought she was pregnant, but by this time I had taken him back, and I resolved with myself that this had happened before and should not affect the now.  I stood by him, whilst this was sorted out, and although the dynamics of our relationship shifted we became better for it, for a while.


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## Queenbee (19 October 2012)

During all this time I rode when I could, when I felt up to it, and Twizzle, god love her, shared Ebony and enjoyed hacking her.  Ss daughter rode occasionally and competed her in the school showjumping team.  My caring role had stopped with x, he could sort his own washing and dinner.  I would be on the computer most nights and he would be asleep on the sofa.  My dog was back with us and he knew better than to mess with that. We had however, found a happy medium, strange though it may seem, because I had started to become harder and more selfish, putting my needs first, I also for a time became less caring about faithfulness on my part, why should I be faithful when he so obviously doesnt extend such a respect to me.  So I kissed a few frogs, left him spending the night alone at the hunt ball and went into town and partied, eventually it was out of my system, he was told everything when it happened and then calm started to descend between us.  

Ebony was in her element, and whilst still a teasy box walker she was for the most part blissfully happy.  Another livery turned up very early in the morning and she would actually eat her breakfast for the first time in her life, she was fit and healthy and she was my rock.  I had the best day of my life on her during that time, we went out hunting with the farriers meet, and I felt free of any worries, my heart bursting, with pride, exhilaration and happiness.  We had found that Ebony was less agitated with the Cury hunt than the Four Burrow, so Cury it was.  Flying and Speeding, or just wandering aimlessly on the back of my girl was where I felt completely carefree and peaceful.  The only time x and I ever really had a problem back then was when we went out, and I would end up with some form of bump scrape and bruise, so I didnt go out, everytime it would end in disaster, and I would end up curling myself around Ebony, clinging on to the only thing that made me feel normal and kept me from falling in a world that made no sense to me.  During these years, she was everything to me, and I often neglected her, by saying that I mean I neglected to ride her, I just had no energy, S was brilliant and she knew when I was down and I would turn up and find her mucked out for me, or I would be in the house with S putting the world to rights, or shutting the bad world out and leaving it behind for a few precious hours.

It was a really hard time for me, at times it felt like he had the world believing that I was the problem when we were out, but behind closed doors, or around our families, he was the man I loved and being with the man I loved was important to me.  I understood that he had different beliefs and thought processes and different things were important to him, there are many of us who think that he may also suffer from a mild form of aspergers.  I made so many allowances for the differences, because I loved him.  That summer I fell pregnant.  I had come off the contraception and we had used other forms of protection since his dalliance because I couldnt trust that he wouldnt do that again.  I am not going to go into details but  I didnt have the baby, it would not have been right for me at that time, and I would not want him as a father to any child of mine, I knew that.  Children were never a want for us, and for me there was a great risk because the child had not been planned, still, I wasnt given time to think things over properly for myself, I was harrased, brow beaten, and rail roaded.  So I put some space between us, saying that we were not over but whilst going through the procedure, I needed distance, and we would sort things out when I was done.  It was a matter of days the night it was done, he slept with someone again.  I forgave him, putting this down to stress but by this time it was one week together, two weeks apart.  My head was a mess, the violence had been going on bit by bit over time and it had become the norm. By this time I had a six inch scar on my ribcage, my parents had found me having my head smacked on the floor, me feigning unconsciousness to try and get him to stop, I had been locked in a bedroom and jumped out of a second story window to try and escape, and had spent a lot of time in long sleeved clothing. I had black outs where my brain must have just shut down and shut out what I couldnt face, god only knows how I held on to my job, but it wasnt without being completely honest with my work about what was happening.  I kept waking at random times always at 3am in the morning, and I would always find out that he had indeed been with someone.  I was being systematically destroyed and whenever I tried to leave, my family, friends and I would be contacted, call after call after call, text after text after text, he would turn up at home, work or my yard and I had nowhere I was safe from him.  I still loved him, but going back was always the same no matter what he promised, and now it was never his fault, it was always mine.  Work became an escape, and from 9 to 5 I could bury myself in it and close the world out, and horses remained my solace, Twizzle had moved on from Ebs and I decided I needed my own home, safety and my own space and I moved to a lovely little one bedroom cottage with six acres, I didnt tell him where


P.S. Have just checked and it is running to page 24 in a word document now! 19'000 words!


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## Tammytoo (19 October 2012)

You poor thing - what a horrible time.


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## Queenbee (19 October 2012)

Initially I had found the cottage after an agreement that we move in together somewhere new and start a fresh on equal terms, believing that some of our problems stemmed from it being his house and that living their was not an option, but he had after that discussion reneged on the idea and shown no interest whatsoever not even wishing to look at the cottage, and his attitude darkened once again.  So it was me that moved in a new cottage out in the sticks, cosy and warm and mine.  A select few, close family and friends knew my location and Ebony was delivered to me, and telephone reception was awful so although I received calls and texts, I wasnt plagued by them unless I was outside the house so I could enjoy peace and freedom and Ebony.  Daisy too, had acres and acres to run on.  Half of my land was pure grazing and the other half was croft land, with a style leading out onto the moors.  I contacted the old owner of Ebony, such extensive grazing was too much for my girl alone and Herman the Ardennes and Ebony were reunited along with three more of her horses, to help get the grazing manageable, at which point she would remove whatever was needed in order for it to be maintained.  The year was 2009, so it had been a good eight years since they had been part of the same herd, but the reunion really was like old friends.  Herman by now was a bit grey around the edges, but with a huge carcinoma the size of a football on his back leg.  It was benign but inoperable and very vascular, he came to me for a bit of R&R, as did sunshine who had just had her foal weaned.  They would come and check on their horses, but for the most part that was my role, I fed them, kept them watered and enjoyed the tranquillity of having a happy herd outside my door, Ebony reunited with long lost family, woods to walk in with daisy, and timmy our new found lurcher rescue to keep her company, whom daisy distained because he could run faster than her, and now she was the hunted, and who drove me to despair taking up my sofa and demanding a share of my bed!  And for a while, my cosy little cottage off the beaten track surrounded by woods, moors and those dearest to me was everything it should have been.

Rewinding a bit to earlier that year, in June, X and I had been to a barbecue with friends.  Absently I had been window shopping for youngsters, that may be suitable in years to come to take over from Ebony as she headed towards retirement.  I suppose to one extent it was filling a gap nothing to do with the whole pregnancy issue, rather that my life didnt feel whole because of my relationship and burying myself and losing my troubles in horses was what I knew.  I had not searched in earnest, it was just a vaugue idea, I hadnt seen or called about any youngsters.  The woman hosting the barbecue, said she had something to show meWe took a walk leaving the men chatting, and wandered off with her two children, she grabbed a scoop of feed and we stood at a gate while she called the horses over.  I remember the children were climbing on the gate as the mare and her 2 week old foal came cantering up.  So bold was he that he walked up to the gate, sniffing the children without an ounce of wariness.  I adored him, and his mother, an iron grey Connie x TB.  Its a colt foal, if it was a filly we would have kept it and bred it, but he is for sale if you want him  I told her I would think about it.  My window shopping had not been broadcast to anyone, I think perhaps x was aware, although I cant recall.  He melted my heart, but I knew that in reality, a foal was hard work, and I had a lot to deal with, I was pregnant then and there was the whole x issue, it was totally the wrong time, but in my heart there was a nagging feeling, being someone who wholeheartedly believes things happen for a reason.  But as we drove away, the blood drained from my face, and the thought of having the foal made me feel sick,  he was meant for me, but he became tainted and dirty as x said If you want him I will buy him for you if you get rid of it.  I was venomous, that he could bargin like that.  I knew already he didnt want the baby, and I knew already what my decision was, but he just wouldnt let up and trust in me and my decision, and how on earth could I have this foal, now that it had been tainted by him.

I often look back on the next bit and think it just wasnt worth it, but then I wouldnt have what I have now.  The calls and texts had started to die down a bit, and I was relaxing, starting to enjoy myself, it had been no more than three weeks since I moved, but I was starting to sleep better at night, I was living not existing as had so often been the case in the past.  I had a good routine, and I was starting to ride again, really ride, waking up or coming home and wanting to go out on Ebony and having the emotional energy to do so.  Suddenly the tack changed.  The texts and answer phone messages were focused around did I want the foal he needed to know because he had bought it for me and he didnt know where to have it delivered or if he should sell it.  I spoke to the people selling the foal, and it was eventually arranged that I would pick the foal up, X had in not paid for it, but that was by the by, the money was provided by him, to my father and by that time I had my anger and fighting spirit back and was damned if all I had suffered at his hands was for nothing, and in my head this foal was the reason, so yes he could buy it and he could go to hell, the sellers did at one point deliver him to me but, I had nowhere to securely put him inside, needing to put a gate on the shelter so they took him back and we arranged to pick him up. The foal safely ensconsed with me, was a joy, such a bundle of promise, fluffy and cuddly and fun, I watched him for hours.  I was on speaking terms with x by now, but only via phone and text.  Ebony, adored Ben, she tolerated his ways but was a firm leader and teacher for him.  He was only six months old, but he would come out on the lead rein for walks with Daisy, Timmy and I, I could groom him, fuss him, cuddle him.  I had a cute little baby, and I cant express how in awe I was of Ebony and how she had taken to the role of matriarch so well, elegant as always, even when she was telling him off, so was being back in touch with x, and the next load of darkness worth it?  Yes.  Absolutely.  Because I have Ben, and he is wonderful in himself and I am so very proud of him, but now he is also the place where I feel closest to Ebony and where I feel she still exists.

Days after Ben arrived, I was driving home from work, down a country lane to my cottage, and there he was driving towards me.  I was late home from work having been chatting with a colleague for half an hour and I can remember thinking that I wish I had talked for a couple of minutes longer, then I wouldnt have seen him, and he wouldnt have seen me.  I floored my car, desperate to make it home and inside my house, door locked before he could get to me, but he was there, and I was trapped in my car, doors locked, frantically looking at my phone with no reception I couldnt call my family for help.  I was blocked in and I dont lie when I say his fingers were clawing at the top of my window, trying to get to me, begging me for another chance.  I didnt even think to call 999, and for a moment, I considered flooring the car in reverse and mashing his car, but I didnt.  It wasnt even his desperation at this point, or my love for him that made me crumble, it was exhaustion. It was always like groundhog day, and dealing with his behaviour when he didnt have me, was almost worse than dealing with what he did when we were together.  So that was it, my sanctuary was shattered, and he was back in my life, although I know in my heart that even without Ben, he would have found a way.  He agreed, to only visit me at my house, and to take it slow, and on my terms.  I felt like I had no choice, no energy or fight to say no, and I agreed.  It was still better for me, than it had been.  I was in command of my own space, I found myself manufacturing excuses so that I didnt have to see him that often, and when I did see him it was fun and quite good.  I kept up the riding, and the dog walking and the playing pony with baby Ben, and x was allowed into my life.  Then having been invited over to see him (something I always said no to) I decided one day to just turn up.  He wasnt there, but there was a childs bed made up in the spare room, someone elses stuff in the house and Facebook left on, showing some messages, you can guess what they were.  I engineered a situation where by I picked him up from a night out, he stayed at mine, and I dropped him home, and she was there.  I told her she could keep him, but she would know damn well when he came back to me begging for yet another chance, I assumed and hoped that this would be enough of a threat.  It wasnt, and that was the first time I called the police, and I kept my promise, I let her know, not out of any sort of moral decency, but to hurt him.

I loved my cottage, and though it was out in the sticks, the police did the occasional drive by.  My door was locked at all times and I just tried to get on with my life.  I never got this luxury for long.  After my six month tenancy was up, I decided enough was enough and moved Ebony back to Ss yard, and ben went to Croft William (still owned by my sister and her then husband)to await gelding.


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## Queenbee (19 October 2012)

I was by now a much harder person.  I cried rarely, having grieved and hurt enough, my tactic for dealing with xs behaviour had changed and I had long since found a switch to stop the hurt most of the time, for the most part I managed to keep my distance from him, but on the rare occasions he saw me, out on the town, or even driving past him, it triggered him.  On the plus side, people were beginning to understand, to see that it was not me, it was him.  My close family and friends all knew this but the wider population did not.  But he always managed to suck me back in, and the next tactic was that he had built stables for me, close to home so that I could have my dream. Live together and have your horses outside just how youve always wanted was how he put it. Actually the wind had blown the roof off the old dairy and that was why he built stables, I knew this, but I also knew that I could have my babies there, a stream running through the bottom of the field, my own little paradise once again. In my head I reasoned that there was nothing this man could do to me to hurt me that he hadnt already done, and it would never hurt me like it had, because I was far more emotionally detached from him than I ever had been.  Dont get me wrong, I still loved him, I know when I stopped, but at this time, I still loved him, I didnt excuse his behaviour anymore, but I had the smallest sliver of hope, because I knew, that there is some part of him that wanted the happily ever after, what I have since accepted is that whilst this is true, he cant deal or face what he is and has done, and he will continue to do this to whoever he is with.

So by the time Ben moved from Croft William down to his land (a mere ½ mile distance) we were trying to muddle along, and I have to say not doing too badly, the violence had stopped.  There were some nice moments, and we had started living together.  Ebony was still at Ss yard, and the vet was sorted for Ben.  I was juggling, work, 2 yards and a relationship, but by this time, I had my priorities and my relationship came last.  I came home when I was done, when I had ridden, when I was ready and I answered to no one, I was fiercely protective over what was important and vital to me and what I wanted.  Timmy had had to be rehomed, unfortunately he was just too much of a handful and he really needed mental stimulation, I had found a fantastic home with a dog agility woman and whilst I am sure things werent a bunch of roses in my relationship (they never really were) I was content, because my horses and my dog were close to me and I was enjoying them.  

Once Ben was castrated, he and Ebony were reunited once again, she came to the stables and for me it was like making home all over again   I took pride in my perfect beds, and my tack room.  I recall that for the first time in years, I was keeping and maintaining a traditional muck heap, banking it up at the sides, these are my creature comforts.  True to his word, despite whatever else went on, my horses wanted for nothing, haylage and straw was provided, all I cared about was their happiness.  I was still attentive and loving as a partner, but I knew that the way I felt and saw the world was not the same as the way x did, so I flipped my switch and threw myself into my horses.  The best thing is that with Ben at her side, Ebony for the very first time in her life was truly content in her stable, never bunny hopping at the door, no box walking, when I came to turn her out in the morning, there was a patch where she had been lying down at night.  That made me really happy.  Ben was good as gold whenever we left for our hacks and for a while, I really was quite content, and considering the bad times I had experienced with my ex, things really as far as I can recall were quite good.  

By now we are into 2011 and the day after Flora day, so May again. It was a Sunday if I recall correctly, and I had been invited to a barbecue at Ss, I rang x and told him gave him my love and said I would see him when he finished work the next day as I would probably stay at Ss for the night.  3am again I woke up, I rang and rang and rang, no answer until his phone was switched off.  I was up all night and got in the car after tossing and turning at 6 am and headed home, the house was empty and then he drove home, caught red handed he admitted he had been with someone else, someone he had met on Flora day.  There were no tears, or admonishments from me, I put the few things I had in the house in my car, I dont think I was deflated or hurt.  I was just bored of the same old. I told him that I would arrange to move my horses, he said there was no need, that that was for me to use.  I seem to recall I snorted and laughed, that he couldnt see just how that was NOT going to happen.  I believe if I felt any kind of emotion at that point it was disgust.

S as ever was a rock, and they moved heaven and earth to fit my two in.  I hired a transporter (actually the husband of my current YO) to help move my horses and we were back at Ss.  My mobile number was changed, the landline blocked from his calls, and I had a month of bliss, without even hearing his name.  I was back in the saddle, schooling, hacking Ss younger daughter often accompanying Ebony and I on hacks, during which time my teenage devil horns miraculously appeared and we were speed freaks, galloping and jumping wherever we could, just like when I had pickles.  

I cant change what happened, but I know what an unsteady time my girl had, being moved from pillar to post all the time.  There were many times when caring for her, was just one more thing I felt I couldnt deal with, and days when I just wanted to bury myself in my bedding and wake up the next day, but she never wanted for care, and love and having a reason to get out of bed and leave the house everyday was so important for me in all those years.  

In June, it was Ss birthday, and I rallied myself to go out on the town, something I had abstained from incase I saw x.  It was Royal Cornwall Show and knowing he spent all his time up there, I reasoned that he probably would not be out in town that night.  However, he was.  He did try talking to me, but I kept my head about me and I enjoyed my night with my friends and my new found freedom. I hoped that when the morning came, he would realise that his behaviour was stupid and focus on his new relationship.


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## Queenbee (19 October 2012)

The same old, same old happened, this time he intruded into my space at the yard and followed me out on a ride on foot when I refused to talk to him.  By the time the ride was drawing to a close and he had said his piece he got in his car and drove off.  I remember walking down the lane towards the yard, my back firm and straight not glancing back as he drove away and then I slowly crumpled into Ebonys mane, my tears falling and I let her take me home, she was in control and she cared for me then more than she ever had, there was nothing left in me at that point, I was sick and tired of having my lovely world intruded on and destroyed, my time with my girl was sacred to me and he had just violated that.

He had talked about marriage and weddings and a whole load more, which to be honest is all a blur, but things he thought I wanted, and by the end of the ride, I didnt care what I wanted, I didnt care what he wanted, I didnt have the strength to care, I was pretty much a zombie.  The next thing I knew I was being used to explain to the new girlfriend that it was over between them, there was a ring on my finger and I was just existing again, I wasnt living with him, I would spend some time there and then at my parents, I kept finding things that werent mine there but I didnt have the strength to even stop and look down at my life and alter it.

During this period of me giving up on control of my own life, there was suddenly a hand that reached down and grabbed mine to pull me out of the mist and help me regain myself, my strength, focus and put my priorities in place, or should I say one hoof.  I have tried to search for the link but it appears that H&H have done some archive management.  It wasnt that I walked away and never looked back, but I was suddenly the person who had other priorities and who had to ignore all the bad, because there were others that were more important, and I had responsibilities.  Later that year, we started to look at Ebony, and she looked large  and there was movement.  She was always a gassy mare, with stools like cow pats when she got stressed, but we really started to believe that she was pregnant, she had blown up, her demeanour had changed and ensuring that she was taken care of was my priority, I spent hours at the yard when I wasnt at work, it was a fantastic escape for me and I couldnt have cared less about my relationship, despite protests that he was being faithful and loving me, and wanted to get married, the ring didnt feel right and rarely made an appearance on my finger, to wear it was an admission that I was his to be hurt by him as he saw fit and I couldnt accept that.

The hours we doted on Ebony S and I, sitting on the wall of her stable, midnight coffees by torchlight.  I got berated on here for not getting a vet out to see her, but I knew my mare, she had always bloated in the summer and if she was just bloated then this was just a bit more bloated than normal.  She was happy and healthy and I was loving caring for her.  She had been moved down to the bottom yard, where it was quieter and calmer for her, and room had been made for Ben next door to her.  Those pictures posted earlier of her looking out over the stable door, sunlight streaming down were taken then.  I may well have been wrong in not getting the vet out, but it was not wrong for us, she would always tell me when she was poorly or in pain, and she was so happy, and I didnt want our hope and possibility bubble burst.  Eventually it all came to nothing, we went way past the due date and as the nights drew in her waistline shrank back to normal, she moved back up to the top yard with Ben and we started riding again, hacking, schooling and having fun by now she was 17 and I had owned her for over 10 years.

That November 2011 I stopped loving X, there is I am sure a part of me that still loves him, although I dont know how deep if at all it is buried, I am certainly no longer in love with him.  He was at mine asleep in bed after a night out and his phone beeped with a message, the dread uncurled in me rearing its ugly head again.  I read the message and responded, it transpired that from about a week after I had taken him back in June, he had started another affair with an older woman, who knew about me and didnt care a toss.  It was the revelation, that this man who had caused me untold hassle in my life had bought me an engagement ring whilst doing this.  I never moved back after that, that morning I had hands around my throat and a threat on my life before he left, the cheater had never left but the bully and the violent man was back.  The police were called and a statement given by myself and my mother.  Understandably they took the issue seriously, but I didnt press charges, it was left that if he came near me, I would dial 999, my name would flag up and they would come running to my aid. Disappointingly, on new years eve that assistance never happened and he was thrown out of a number of pubs and caused a fight before I was able to leave in a taxi. It took a further 9 and a bit months to get him completely out of my life.  Despite my insistence that I wanted to be on my own it was something he failed to accept or hear and whilst I stayed in control and kept him at a distance, we did occasionally see each other and he continued to insist we were together and ignore my wishes.  It was only this month when I was out that his violence was shown in front of family members, and now I know that he will stay away or that I can turn to them to control him if he tries to see me.

So, living back at home at the age of 31 at the turn of the new year I found a lovely little yard just down the road from home, and despite x playing a part in my life during the majority of this year, he remained to me of as little consequence and as much irritation as a fly buzzing around the room, so for the much of it my life was really my own for the first time in years.  The yard remained top secret from x for a long time, my sanctuary with my horses once again.  It was small and private with one and then two other liveries. Ben was growing up into a big handsome boy, and Ebony was as fit and well as she had ever been.  Tamar who had ridden Annie the cob had long since moved away to Dorset but was now a trained sports massage therapist and started to come down regularly to Cornwall.  In full work again and going spectacularly well, I was aiming in earnest for some showing this year, fully focused and certain that we would achieve great things, I set about preparing Ebs and myself, buying a show saddle, a Jeffries bridle, beautiful new show jackets, show browband in bottle green and gold, cavallo boots, no expense was spared,  I was so focused on putting things right with my horses, achieving my dreams, but my dreams for her.  Tamar to work on Ebony for me and her head carriage dropped inches after just the first massage and she was so much looser and balanced by the next one six weeks on.  Show dates were hilighted on the calendar and money was being saved up for Ben to be backed in June.  With the swiftly approaching shows in May, funnily enough Flora Show, the YO cracked on with building our stables, to get them finished so I could stable her for shows.


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## Queenbee (19 October 2012)

During the time from January to then we were hacking some of the best hacks I have ever had.  She was responsive and fun, we were teenagers with devil horns again, hacking through beautiful national trust land, through acres of woods and bluebells, past the Loe bar, up our favourite canter paths.  We rode out through the park and into town, stopping at the traffic lights by Aldi, the people on the coaches waving at us as we went past them.  I kept reflecting on what a perfect horse in every way she had become, all her deamons put to rest. She was now foot perfect in everyway and it was wonderful.  We had also been out on our first hunt in three years, joining the Boxing Day meet in the middle of town and riding out.  Life was as near to perfect as I could have it, things were in perspective, priorities were in order and she was everything I ever dreamed she could be, and I knew we were going to hit the show scene for the first time in years and come back with the firsts she so well deserved, she was looking and riding that well, there was no doubt in my mind.

I can honestly say that I had some fantastic times with my mare, but 2012 was the time when I cherished her more than I ever had, I was fully aware that throughout my owning her, she had been the reason I dragged my but out of bed, and seeing her so complete and happy and with Ben at her side, her teaching him the ropes and how to be a &#8216;horse&#8217; filled me with such a sense of wellbeing.  Riding her, was like being given the greatest gift on earth to me, and it was knowing what she had been, how difficult and challenging and what bumps in the road we had faced so many times, that made me feel all the more humble, wealthy beyond limits and privileged to be allowed on her back and to experience her then.  She was still fun and fast and could take any horse she wanted, her mother had been a racehorse and she lacked nothing in speed, but she was also honed and schooled and confident, she was a fully fledged schoolmistress.  

When Tamar came to do her the second time, I looked at her and noted that she was a little lean, the grazing in the field was fairly low, she was being supplemented and fed, and I recalled that worming was due.  It was that moment where you frown slightly, but know its nothing serious.  She was still, fit and healthy and happy in herself.  I was not concerned at all, we were having bad weather, the grass was taking its time to come through, she never looked fat coming out of winter.  I recall being aware that the show wasn&#8217;t far away and that I would up her food, worm her and at that point there was no shadow that passed over me.  The stables were just about up, and she started to come in, feed and hay was plentiful and she was wormed with Equest, as was Ben.


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## kchappers (19 October 2012)

Ive just read all from page 1! A fantastic story, your writing is wonderful, definitely publish! Wow


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## BeanyG (19 October 2012)

dont comment often but have been reading all of your story, i remember reading the is she/isnt she in foal posts with interest,so sorry to hear all that was going on with your personal life through the years, i think you have been one very strong lady xx


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## pogface (19 October 2012)

Still hooked.

X


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## Queenbee (20 October 2012)

pogface said:



			Still hooked.

X
		
Click to expand...

Sorry guys I can't multiquote for some reason, but thank you.  It would not have been Eb's true story if I hadn't told some of mine too, as I am sure you realise we are not that far from the end of our 11 years. I may take a break or I may plough on and get it over with.  Im not sure yet but stay posted


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## emma.is (20 October 2012)

Please just plough on


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## Ladyinred (20 October 2012)

You are very brave to write all this, I know it can't be easy for you. I hope that it helps you to have it all in the open and I hope that you soon find real contentment and happiness with a person who actually deserves you.

I don't need to tell you that you had a special relationship with Ebony. You know that already, but I believe she was sent to you for a purpose, and that purpose may well have been to save your life and your sanity.. Looking forward to the rest but also sad in that I know what it brings xx


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## Big Ben (20 October 2012)

I have just read through this thread from the start and it is a thoroughly captivating read. Thank you for sharing your life, and it's ups and downs with us. It would make a book for sure.


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## buddylove (20 October 2012)

Brave lady, wonderful horses x


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## Queenbee (20 October 2012)

Ladyinred said:



			You are very brave to write all this, I know it can't be easy for you. I hope that it helps you to have it all in the open and I hope that you soon find real contentment and happiness with a person who actually deserves you.

I don't need to tell you that you had a special relationship with Ebony. You know that already, but I believe she was sent to you for a purpose, and that purpose may well have been to save your life and your sanity.. Looking forward to the rest but also sad in that I know what it brings xx
		
Click to expand...

Thank you x I am not particularly religeous, but I do believe that, without her the last few years don't bear thinking about, but I wish they hadn't encroached on our time together


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## piebaldsparkle (20 October 2012)

Queenbee said:



			as I am sure you realise we are not that far from the end of our 11 years.
		
Click to expand...

Leaving your & Ebs story now, even the thought of the end brings a lump to my throat (crazy as I neither know you or Ebs in RL).

((hugs))


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## tikino (21 October 2012)

what a wonderful and brave lady you are to be writing this story and by lord it has gripped me so much hugs to you


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## Nicnac (21 October 2012)

QB - have been a bit sporadic recently due to various things so just caught up with a) the fact you were banned  and b) the last few episodes as on my own on a Sunday afternoon, rain outside, inside in the warm with 2 dogs snoring away.

Wow what a story!  Please please do more and then turn it into a novel.

Congrats on job btw


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## Spookywood (21 October 2012)

QB just picked up on this thread and really enjoying reading your story and how far you and Ebony got and the bond you had with her. Very inspiring. You are one strong lady, some of these posts must have been very difficult to write.  Thank you for sharing your story xx


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## Queenbee (21 October 2012)

At the back end of April I wormed my horses, upped feed, comfort and forage and waited.  I was starting to think that the horse show may not be a possibility, although I was ok with this, I thought her weight would be better by then but knew that the fine tuning wouldnt happen.  As it was the show was cancelled, weight wise she hadnt gained anything but then she hadnt lost anything either, she was just looking a bit ribby and lacking in topline, she was still full of her spirit and a glint was in her eye, so the weekend of the show, another livery and I went out for a hack, it was despite recent weather a sunny and lovely day.  We rode along the back roads, skirting around Porthleven and crossed over the road into Penrose Woods, the beautiful national trust land, we crossed onto our favourite canter paths that rode along the side of Loe Bar, the water lapping at the side of the track, bluebells carpeting the forest, riding through the park and past the fairground rides on our way through town, once again stopping and waiting patiently for the traffic lights to turn green on our way home.  The hack had been fun, fast at times, Ebs had been fresh and full of fun and enthusiasm.  Despite my desire to show that weekend I was really, really happy, the show had been postponed until August, by this time she would be better, fatter and fitter and to me, everything was positive, the summer was coming it was going to be great.

Just under a week later, I went up to the yard and decided to take her rug off and give her a big old groom, she had been wolfing her food down all week and eating her haylage, good quality and double amounts.  In one look I knew deep inside me that something was serious, she was still in great spirits but she had lost a bit more condition, not a huge amount, but this was all wrong and not the mare that I knew.  She had lost condition in the past, but only when she was stressing it off through the winter in the stable.  Ebony was calm, happy, well fed and already consuming about three times as much in spring as she did during the middle of winter.  I resolved to wrap her up, stuff her full of feed and roughage over the weekend and get the vet out on Monday morning.

That was the first night that I expressed my worries online, and even at that early stage I voiced the following:

I would sell my soul for this mare and I have some horrid stomach lurching feeling that this could be something really bad.

Over the weekend I tossed and turned, she was starting to get lethargic and picky over her hay, weight was dropping off even more and I found her lying down in the morning in her stable, obviously tired. I was spiralling myself downwards with worry and fear of the worst, then slapping myself firmly on the nose and telling myself that I currently didnt know what was wrong, and until I did, there was no need to get myself worked up, I had to stay calm and focused.  Still, most of my weekend when I wasnt with her was spent curled up with Google search engine trying to come up with ideas and weight gain strategies.

My next issue was which vets I was going to use.  The last time I had had a vet out I was at Xs and as it was I was at the edge of the practices catchment area then, they had forewarned me that they would not be able to visit if I moved any further away from them.  Its a very scary thing, contemplating the unknown, trying to provide the very best for your horse and having to use a new practice who you neither know or have experience of.  I researched around a bit and decided upon a practice in Hayle.  Monday morning came and I was on the phone the second their office opened, explaining the situation, my concerns about Ebony and providing the necessaries for her notes to be sent from our old practice.  Within a couple of hours a lovely locum vet was at my yard.

I had always been used to vets who knew what they were doing and were experienced but had no manners towards the client and little respect with regards to their bond with their horse.  This is what struck me first with this vet, some of the first words out of his mouth were with regards to my knowledge, my understanding, what are the little things, no matter how small You know your own horse.  I breathed a sigh of relief, it was the best thing I could have heard, being so worried about her.

I recall the vet expressing shock when I whipped off her stable rug, and I too was shocked as she looked tucked up which made her look even worse, and this day, her mood was depressed, she had deteriorated so rapidly since Friday.  I felt sick, general checks were done and the positive was that her heart rate was normal, he commented his surprise on this, expecting it to be racing slightly with her condition, there was however a slight heart murmur due to the malnourishment that was gripping her.  The vet suggested it could still be worms, and said they were particularly troublesome this year.  Initially, that would be his best guess and first thing to rule out, I was sceptical but he had recently experienced two cases where horses had been wormed correctly but had gone downhill like this, a follow up wormer had done the trick and put them back on the mend.  So the decision was to bute, place on antibiotics, probiotic and a five day wormer.  Eliminating that possibility and keeping her comfortable in case she was in pain, to continue with care as I had but to limit time on grass due to possible colic and to weight tape her daily.  I also requested a full blood work to be done.  As the vet left I felt pretty drained and I remember looking at her and brimming with tears.  Reaching out and wrapping my arms around her neck, I buried my head in her mane and sobbed I remember begging her to not leave me and get better.

I went home that night, my head spinning, the vet thought it could be worms, which was positive but her weight drop off had been significant and her mood was depressed, his comment about her heart rate, scared me more than anything, he really was shocked when he saw under her rug.  By the end of the afternoon I had a result on the bloods, nothing significant showed up, other than a slightly high white cell count, but then this is to be expected with a poorly horse, there was nothing glaring and other than the course we were on, there was therefore nothing conclusive.  Speaking to the vet on the phone he started saying things like tumor as other possibilities and I shrunk away into a dark room inside myself for a minute and closed the door, standing there freezing cold and scared.

This was where my vigil started with vengeance, I was lucky enough to be off work at the time and I spent every waking hour with her, late night checks were carried out and, we had gentle strolls in hand everyday up the road and back, and small sessions of turnout in a lane that needed grazing down next to the yard.  It was now sunny weather and my baby girl was looking physically more fragile than she had ever been emotionally.  Despite the sunshine she was rugged up daily, covered in a stable rug and a medium weight turnout rug, only having the sun on her back for the odd half an hour turn out.


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## Queenbee (21 October 2012)

The following day, things were going from bad to worse,  I turned up at the yard the night before and she refused her dinner, she was getting intermittently picky over both hay and hard feed.  This was a worry.  However, I had another worry when I got there, she had a huge gouge out of her chest from her new stable door, cue vets who came and checked her over just incase.  It was another vet this time, one of the Partners, and following seeing her, he informed me he was going to get the remainder of her blood sample sent on to more specialist labs for investigation.

By now I was having to come up with appetisers to get her food and medication down her throat.  I tried golden syrup, blended carrot, a tasty high calorie mix to add to the dinner to make it more tempting she just wasnt fussed.  You could often find me with the feed scoop full, that was the best way to tempt her to eat, but only if she saw it coming fresh out of the bag.  She started to look a bit better, the weight tape indicating a minute weight gain, but nothing near enough,  Still, anything is a positive when you are tearing your hair out.

By the end of the week she had had a bout of mild colic, picked up her appetitie regarding her haylage but was right off her hard food (we assumed this was due to the medication),  she was back up to 4 to 5 hrs turnout a day which was helping lift her mood.  There were still no further blood results but, there were some positives.  I was still out of my mind with worry but every little positive was cherished and focused on.  It was hard, and without the support of my vets, friends, other liveries family and not at all in the least (quite possibly the most) the community of the Horse and Hound Forum I stayed strong, I got to vent my pain, and was able to focus on Ebony.  I truly dont know what I would have done without everyone.  During this time and feeling low, x was allowed back into my life via email asking that I take him back, contact him with my number etc.  I refused, but the contact and kind words that I always received off him when we were not together, did help to a certain extent.  I knew it was just words of care to get me back, but it still helped.

Ever since the beginning of this illness, I could not have been more proud of Ben, he was on box rest and restriction as much as Ebony was for the most part, and he handled it so well, I was incredibly lucky that he loved his creature comforts, and contented himself in his stable with his toys, his favourite of which was a space hopper that he would occasionally throw into Ebonys stable.  When he had extra grazing time, she was tied up next to the fence with a haynet, being groomed or fussed and cuddled by me.  I was up there from dawn until dark everyday, and at times truly considered pitching my tent up there, not because it was necessary, but because it truly felt like something sinister was at work and I didnt want to lose a second of our precious time together.


An emotional breakthrough came when I changed her feed bowl, suddenly she started to eat her hard feed again, and I was elated, it gave me hope. It truly seemed like this was fixable and I had been worrying myself to death for nothing.  I said that day online:

so it looks like we are really on the mend

Within days we started to nosedive again, the little weight that she had gained, she had dropped, and she was refusing all food, it was only 10 days since the visit of the first vet, if I ever thought I was worried in the beginning, that was nothing in comparison to the despair and fear inside that I was trying to keep a lid on and ignore.

When you look at someone you love with all your heart, and you dont know what is causing their deterioration.  You are so very scared.  Day after day, I came close to breaking and wrapped my arms around Ebony sobbing and begging like I had the day of the first vets visit.  The vets were on the phone everyday, and with her further deterioration and huge backward step they were once again called in, the second blood test having shown nothing of significance.  The one thing that we knew for certain is that this was some form of malabsorption, something was inhibiting the uptake of calories.  The joke was that Ebony had always lived off fresh air, and now she was on food with the highest calorific content possible.  

Words were coming out of the screen as suggestions and possibilities, Malabsorption Syndrome,  poisoning, cancer, cushings, Grass Sickness, Worm damage, Ulcers.  Every part of my inside was in knots, it was really hard to know which way to turn and to know that exploring one avenue could mean ignoring the right one.  For instance, if it malabsorption syndrome, wormers could further affect the delicate balance of her stomach, but so could worms, even in their lowest form of count.  Ulcers, would be aggravated by the use of the painkiller Bute, and this would be detrimental to her ability to gain weight.  I have never felt such a weight of responsibility, I felt like I was truly holding my darling horses fragile life in my hands.

With everything up against us, Ebony off her hard feed completely and deteriorating, I decided once again as so often is the case with madam, to throw away the rule book, I went out and bought a completely different feed, and gave it to her, not giving a hoot about the methods of gently introducing food, we didnt have that sort of time to spare.  I couldnt contain my joy and relief and once again the tears were rolling down my face, my darling horse was eating, downing her food with such an appetite, I collapsed into my little blue comfy chair that I was now where I sat in vigil and my whole body breathed a sigh of relief a little bit more hope.


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## Luci07 (21 October 2012)

Really enjoying your story....


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## ELFSBELLS (21 October 2012)

((( HUGS )))


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## Spotsrock (22 October 2012)

Thanku for that installment. Must be hard to write. Maybe one day i'll be brave enough to tell people how my mares saved me. Horses are the most intelligent sensitive animals.


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## Tammytoo (22 October 2012)

Although, sadly, we know the tragic outcome, this still makes heart-wrenching reading. I truly hope that writing it all down helps you.


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## MrVelvet (22 October 2012)

QB, I have avoided this thread up untill now. For some reason I feel quite connected to the sadness of Ebony's passing - probably because of my similar feelings at the time. I knew you would be including that horrid time in your story and so avoided it. My own boys future has been unclear recently and I guess I was losing the will to fight and carry on. However, I was flicking back deleting e-mails and came across a few of yours and realised I need to stay strong so my attitude changed, and within a few days my boy seemed to pick up once more and so I read your story. You are one inspiring lady and you helped me through some tough times with your words and thankyou for sharing your story x


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## Stopper (22 October 2012)

So sadwell done for writing this very brave!i couldn't do it


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## CalllyH (22 October 2012)

This is brilliant although it's getting very sad your writing is lovely! I can't wait for the next bits but am sad knowing what it will say


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## Queenbee (23 October 2012)

I know you all know where it's going, and all of your messages really are touching me, but mr v, we had a lot of contact when your boy started his illness, your story has touched me greatly too. One thing that I keep reflecting on is that towards the end, ebony was uncomfortable putting her head down to eat, it's the only thing I kick myself about... Why didn't I hang her food on the door?! Gs cases swell up in their glands, Ebs wasn't gs (I don't think although sometimes I wonder) but feed your boy on the door if his appetite ever wanes or his glands are up... They find it much easier.  

We all know what happens, but I'm trying to not have a sad ending to this, it is in reality sad, no escaping that, but it's also bitter sweet and it ends with her legacy, hope and future... Give me a few days and I hope that I will do her justice.

I have also been thinking so much about the things I have not included, and that I must go back and add into the  story her bravery out hunting, up front and taking the routes the brave horses paled at... Things like that, her quirks that made me laugh and when she trod on my whippet daisy. Later on last year when I had owned them both for 10 years, our first hack a la whippet. I'm going to add them to my story, but can't edit my posts, what I do with the story after that... I have no idea, but I do know that at the least it will be a testament to her in years to come all the things I could forget which I never will


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## Big Ben (23 October 2012)

Write it all out as it comes to you, the good and bad, the joy and sadness, if you have it all captured then you can cut and paste it into a time line later.

I knew nothing of your story when I signed up here, and have been catching up, but I have so enjoyed this, you have a book here, or a serial in a magazine, you have something, work with it, when you are ready.


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## Queenbee (23 October 2012)

Big Ben, I think you can guess how it ends but the reason it's gripped so many is that everyone on here lived through it with me. If you just want to read the story that's fine, but if you search for my thread, 'can I cry pls' you will see it as it happened pictures and all  x x thank you for your kind words x


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## Big Ben (23 October 2012)

I did go and search out that thread, and it made me cry along with anyone else who has lost one. But just reading that thread didn't give me what this one has, which is an understanding of your relationship with your girl, and how she starred in your life, and without understanding the life, you can't fully comprehend the loss.


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## Queenbee (23 October 2012)

Thank you, xxx I suppose you are completely right. I am never going to be able to express the support this forum gave me... There just aren't words. I haven't even expressed in the story how, when I saw her canter or jumped her clear... I thought I did that, that's me in that girl. She is my masterpiece as much as she is her own. She carried all ages and all abilities on her back and matched her temperament to them, oh If they could take it, she would give it!!! But the children, god she treated them like the crow jewels, walking them so carefully back to the yard, but breathing fire when my friend their mother 's' or I got on her back, it was such a joy to see s on her, she rarely rode and loved Arabs, but she just came alive on ebony. It made me as happy and proud to see someone else on her as it did to ride her myself or to just see her in the field. There was a poem, which I will be quoting soon on here that another poster posted on that thread, it killed me and tore me apart because it was so true...


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## BigGinger (25 October 2012)

This must be very hard for you to write and I wish I could write so well and share the roller coaster ride with my boy.. Sending some hugs your way...


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## Luci07 (31 October 2012)

and still, even knowing the outcome, look forward to the next part..


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## Queenbee (31 October 2012)

Luci07 said:



			and still, even knowing the outcome, look forward to the next part..
		
Click to expand...

Hi there, Im sorry I haven't forgotten I need to finish this, have got family staying and have been a bit manic recently I will try to finish it before I go away on holiday next week x


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## Queenbee (31 October 2012)

I think this could read a bit better, but here is the next bit:

So the worming hadnt done anything, the meds had only weakened her already waning and picky appetite, her weight to some extend had stabilised after the initial drop off but other than a few kilos she hadnt gained anything, and these precious few had since dropped off her again.  I had started to rug her heavily to conserve what little energy she had, she was in a stable rug and a medium weight turnout with a neck in May.  Her blood results had shown nothing, no indication of raised proteins which could suggest worms, everything was pretty normal other than a slightly raised white cell count which indicated that her body was fighting something, although this was still within normal realms, as was her liver enzymes, which were minimally raised too.  She was being turned out, but would eat a bit then lose interest in the grass, it was the same with anything she was eating, she never quite polished anything off, although she was to remain pretty interested in her fast fibre, and we were almost through a bag in a week. I was however still vastly concerned at her inability to pick up in weight and energy, everything about the situation felt wrong to me and it was like we were both balancing on a knife edge.  

As I indicated, I had requested another visit from the vets, having discussed with others on the Horse and Hound Forum, read various links and articles, it was to my thinking a possibility that Ebony had ulcers.  Around the first of June a 3rd vet came out from the practice, a younger vet by the name of Alex, I will be forever thankful for this man as long as I shall live.  He had spent some time in Newmarket working with the TBs, he turned up prepared having had a good peek at all her blood results to date.  He was another that was shocked to the core as I took her rug off, and again commented that her heart rate seemed nice and steady and strong, this was a blessing because it proved she wasnt under too much strain.  He immediately suggested a possibility of ulcers, but did point out that for either a diagnosis of ulcers or cushings (another discussion we had) that her weight loss was quite a severe one, although not to be ruled out, it was dramatic and quite probably something else.  We debated scoping vs treating with Gastroguard, and agreed to just get some Gastroguard down her neck, because if it was ulcers the sooner she got fixed the better.  We kept with the fast fibre and additional oil, mainly because she would eat it and she was put on a 2 week course of treatment.  It was hoped that some improvement would be seen quickly.  In addition, Alex and I held a more primary concern, that she was depressed lacking in energy and losing a bit of sparkle I didnt want her to lose her fight if there was a chance we could fix whatever was harming her.  Every time she saw me or heard my car she would still whinney, she would still nod her head up and down when I asked her a question I she was agreeing with me or telling me yes, just as she always had, but she was low and tired.  Alex introduced us to Haemavite B+, for this I could truly kiss him.  The change in ebony on this tonic was amazing, and I swear that it gave us at least a couple more weeks together than we otherwise would have had.  Despite going down the route of primarily hoping that it was Ulcers at this point, we recognised that time was very much of the essence for my poorly girl and cracked on with a surpression test for Cushings, although a few days later we had the results back from the test and these were inconclusive.  Infact the raised cortisol levels were back to front, and not what you would expect in a normal horse or one suffering from cushings so we then decided on an ACTH test to further investigate the possibility of cushings.  This was all increadibly confusing, as raised cortisol levels also go hand in hand with a pain response, trying to follow leads and a plan of action was really hard, without going off on a tangent and flipping your lid in fear. 

From that first visit from Alex he became Ebonys regular vet. I went home that day a little more positive, we had a plan of action, gastroguard for treatment of stomach ulcers(which we hoped was the cause) it seemed the most likely of the fixable possibilities.  Investigation of Cushings and Haemavite B+ tonic, a fibre based feed, with calories derived from oil for the time being, just incase it was ulcers, we wanted to treat her exactly like she had them and hope that she showed improvement.  A week later, there was no change, but Alex requested we stick with it hoping that she would turn that corner, that the Gastroguard would work, and towards the end of the second week she was turning her nose up at fast fibre.  I was back in that dark grey place, and If screaming at her to buck the hell up and get better would have worked, by god I would, I felt like doing it, if only it were that simple.


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## Queenbee (31 October 2012)

Alex was fantastic and very vigilant, calls and emails were to-ing and fro-ing between us and he along with the forum helped to keep me as calm and focused as possible, her weight was remaining static, but I had started using photos as a means of additional comparison to weight tapes as there is only so much weight a horse can lose before you are down to measuring the ribcage and that cant shrink beyond a certain point, the photos worried me.  

On the 12th of July, I started a thread on horse and hound that became quite infamous it was entitled Can I cry please  we had been on Gastroguard for nearly two weeks by then and there was no change that we would have hoped to see.  It was certain that any improvement was down to the Haemavite B+ that she was having,  it was helping her with her energy and general mood level, but the physical problem, whatever it was was still there.  The results for the ACTH test were not yet back but I was certain inside that it would come back negative for cushings, things were dark and grim and I felt helpless, and even more certain deep down that there would be one eventual outcome.  In desperation I had contacted the Grass Sickness organisation, who had said that whilst her symptoms werent exact to known GS cases, it was not beyond the realms of possibility that this was a variant.  Her stools had become hard and pellet like and in her general demeanor she was going downhill despite the Heamavite blood tonic.  Newmarket Vets had been contacted and were reviewing her case notes, and I, someone who was a fixer, who researched things to the ends of the earth to find the solution, just could not find the solution to this problem, and the consequences of that were just too much to face for me.  I had come across a research article on malabsorption syndrome  I remember throwing up my tea, I did not want to face the possibility that my horse could have any number of things wrong with her, any one of them a potential cause, hardly any of them identifiable until a post mortem and all of them deadly.

By the end of the 13th, I was in less despair with regards to her feed issues, by now I had 3 bags of Fast Fibre, Milk Pellets, sugar beet Stud Mix, Conditioning Mix, Alfalfa all sitting woefully unused in my feed room, ben was eating what he could and ebony would eat the mix out of a scoop, but that was about it, she would eat mollichaff original but that was not going to up her condition.  So with the help and suggestion of people on the forum, I decided to contact feed companies and ask for handouts of high calorie feeds, so she could have a mixture to choose from.  By the end of play the next day I had feed and vouchers coming from 9 well known feed companies, and some of it was couriered to me the very next day they couldnt have been more helpful, and this really boosted me and made me feel supported, and positive.  She spent a lovely few hours out in the paddock eating a bit of grass, getting some sunshine, chilling with Baby Ben and eating the YOs willow

On the 14th, it had been nearly a month since the onset of her illness, she had dropped a bit of weight that week, but I kept trying to remain positive, she had left some of her hay from the night before and pretty much ignored her haylage net the next day, she would hand feed from a scoop and still loved her mollichaff, who was I to refuse her whatever she wanted.  I told myself that this was just part of the rollercoaster, a tired day, we had had these before, it was par for the course at the moment. As long as she was still bright enough and eating something somehow we had a chance, and I would not give up on her.  I took some photos of her that day, and posted them for everyone to see, the difference between how she was and what happened to her, makes me sick, in both instances she was my beautiful girl, and always would have been for who she was inside, but that life and nature can be so cruel it will always haunt me.  The vet was to come out the next day, and we were still awaiting a call from Liverpool Vets, tomorrow we would check her over to make sure she was ok for the oncoming weekend and make a decision for where we go next.  That night she got her haynet, a variety of goodies to eat and a huge tub trug full of hand pulled grass and I went home to vent my anger at the world and my feeling of impotence and frustration to my friends and support network online.


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## Big Ben (1 November 2012)

I can't believe that I ma coming to this in the evening here, and no one else has posted.....I'm still here, reading and feeling the emotions.


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## sessierose (1 November 2012)

I have sat here and read this through the night while on a night shift. What a fantastically written piece. Really does grip you in. Like a good book, I will be sad to read the end. You should be proud of your journey.


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## picolenicole (1 November 2012)

I want to write something that has meaning, but after reading your post QB I don't think I could EVER get anything close to how this has made me feel. All I really want to do is give you a big hug (I don't know QB at all by the way) and tell you that your one of the bravest people I know.

I know one other person who had a OH like yourself and that was my sister, I was young when they went out and it took ages for her to tell anyone what was happening. I even remember headbutting the stupid man when he pined her to the bed!!!

I fell like I have been with you and Eb's through all of this, chin up and well done


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## Tammytoo (1 November 2012)

Weeping into my coffee - brought back memories of losing our precious first pony to grass sickness.


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## Piccy (1 November 2012)

I dont have words to express how I feel reading this, QB you have my total respect for being able to tell your experiences and my heart hurts for what you have been through.


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## Queenbee (2 November 2012)

....


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## Queenbee (2 November 2012)

The 15th came around and I remember clearly that it was a Friday, as I exited my car I was greeted by a couple of heart-warming whinneys from my darling girl, she had eaten all her grass, some of her hay and most of her chaff and mix, she looked a shadow of her former self, I dread to think what her actual weight was, she was normally around 500kg, and whilst the weight tape showed she was 390kg, she was definitely, skinnier than when it had said that a couple of weeks earlier.  After discussions with Alex that morning, I had a little more hope but it was also a very beak diagnosis, I knew that, he had spoken with Liverpool Vets, and they had two possible diagnosis, one was neoplasia cancer, not something I wanted to think about. The other was what I had been seeing on my screen and reading about for weeks now Malabsorption Syndrome, there is sometimes some hope in such cases by placing the horse on a course of steroids for a month, to try and kick start things and weaning them off them slowly, things have to be managed very carefully because with the weight loss the viscosity of the blood is such that Laminitis could occur, and we were to look into feeding her a very minimal daily wormer dose, to ensure that there was no way worms would settle and aggravate her stomach wall this was the plan, the only one available that could offer any sort of chance to save Ebony, a chance that would be very slim for a cure, most causes of the syndrome are fatal, one cause was in fact Neoplasia, but there was a slight chance, and I would take that.  So we decided to keep her comfortable, and start her treatment on Monday.  She seemed more perky that morning but quickly tired throughout the day.  I said goodbye to Alex, and bid him good weekend off, my god with just the dedicated work that he had done with Ebony, he deserved it!  I had the Farrier coming to remove her shoes, I just didnt see the point in them being on.  

Late afternoon came and I was still up the stable with Ebony and Ben, afternoon was running into evening and the farrier was running late.  We had walked in hand, grazing, had our daily groom, I had cried repeatedly into her mane wrapping my arms around her, begging her to fight, I had curled myself around ben thanking him for his patience and good behaviour at being stabled so much during these long torturous weeks.  Another livery came up, and whilst we were talking I could hear this occasional knock  I realised that Ebony was tiring and her knees were knocking on the door of the stable this happened a few times before I realised what the noise was, I called the farrier and told him to come in the morning, she would not have been able to hold her legs up for him &#61516;  We went away from her stable door to give her a bit of peace, so she could rest, it was like she was making an effort to be sociable, I kept having that niggling feeling should we go on with the fight?  When we came back she was lying down in her stable.  The very first week she fell ill, we caught her doing this a few times, to explain the significance of this I have to harken back to a younger, healthy Ebony, she never lay down more prone to box walking or rearing full up in her stable when she was being ignored than lying down, I was never able to rug her because she got so hot under her collar she would sweat up, but here we were, in the middle of summer, double rugged, heavily fed on high calorie feed and so bone tired that she was lying down in her stable and not even jumping up when she saw me.  That really hit home, my heart just clenched and wouldnt release.  

It has always been a dream of mine to go and cuddle a horse when its lying down like others have been able to do, that has evaded me all my life, and of all the horses that I have been in contact with, the possibility of sharing that moment with Ebony was always the least in my mind.  I asked the other livery to take some photos for me of such a precious moment.  I slid the bolt on the door, and she looked at me but didnt move, I never believed that our relationship could be more loving or intense than it had been but the absolute trust there blew me away, and I knew she was peaceful and calm, although she was so ill, there just are no words for how humbled I felt then, to be able to share that moment with her, to have played a part in this beautiful ladies life  I walked in slowly, smiling at her and whispering I know I was saying something to her because I remember noting that it was hard to talk because I was crying but I couldnt for the life of me tell you what, probably, I love you so much you are wonderful, beautiful, special or words to that effect. I knelt down and we had the most precious moment I have ever felt, I stroked her, cuddled her, kissed her, and the tears rolled down my cheeks as I cried silently, and I made the hardest and easiest decision, it was enough, she couldnt go on, she was tired, I knew that this was where it ended, I loved her and this was the greatest act of love I could give her.  I remember looking at her and feeling that sinking feeling as this decision swept over me, it was like my love for her made this decision steam roller over me, there was just no questioning it.  I left Ebony to relax for the night, with buckets of food, more hand picked grass and every bit of love I had.  

When I got up and walked out of the stable, the other livery could see something was different in me, I told her what I had decided and the colour drained from her face as it had from mine it was the one thing none of us had wanted to face. It was time to say goodbye to Ebony.  I went home and got suitably drunk on white wine, and jumped online for some moral support.  I was feeling miserable, heartbroken and drained.  Surprisingly I slept well, waking up early to go and meet the farrier. It was very important to me to have these shoes off, beforehand if she was well enough, I couldnt tell you why, I suppose I just didnt want it done afterwards and I wanted her last set to keep.  As usual she had noticeably more energy after her nights rest, but now she wasnt eating at all, her glands were swollen and it was almost like she was too uncomfortable to eat with her head down.  We tied her feed bowl to the door, manufacturing a door manger and filled it to the brim with mollichaff.  The farrier was on time, he had been our farrier since I bought her, and even before that with her previous owner, he didnt charge me It was a very sombre moment.

 I went back home and rang the vets, eager to get hold of them as soon as they opened.  I was worried that they may want me to wait and keep her comfortable until Monday for Alex as he was the one who knew her case, but they were great, I explained that I knew Alex was off this weekend and I didnt mind who came out from the practice, but that she was tired, and it was time.  They told me that they would get a vet to call as soon as one was finished with their current appointment.  Next on my ticklist was to ring K, the friend who had with her daughter C lived with me for a while, I needed her to be there.  I text my YO, and the two liveries to let them know what was happening and rang my ex, who I had been in touch with throughout this time although always at arms length and took him up on his offer, I told him it was time, and that he needed to collect her this afternoon she was to be buried on his land. Then my phone rang

I think I cried when I heard the voice at the end of the phone, I tried to keep my voice as calm as possible, but it was so small and it felt so hard to talk, relief washed over me It was Alex, he was calling from home, I explained how she was, and he said he was coming out, he just had to go to the surgery to get what was needed.  I think I must have thanked him 1000 times, It felt right that he was coming out, as he had been with her throughout this pretty much, and he knew her and me.  I felt really weird, almost like I was being cheeky when I asked that we use the injection and relaxed beyond measure when he told me it was the only method the practice supported anyway.  He would be at my yard in an hour

A week or so before this day I had come up with my plan on how I would handle this day, what my decisions were and how it would happen   Now I was so glad I had, I was able to float along inside a weird bubble and just tick the necessaries off in my head.

My mother begged me to let her come, I didnt want her there, I didnt want anyone there that I may have to comfort, I just wanted to be everything for my baby girl, the liveries were there and I asked them to stay with Ben, no one understood that I needed them to leave me and Ebs alone, I didnt want them, but I felt cruel saying that.


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## Queenbee (2 November 2012)

Alex arrived and we walked down to the grassy paddock, Ebony and I had a few minutes together, me pulling grass for her to eat because she couldn&#8217;t put her head down and telling her everything she meant to me and everything she meant to me, trying to pack it all into the precious few minutes we had left.  The sun literally poked its head through  I had had my cuddles and was stood infront of Ebony, but set back so she could see my, talking to her and stroking her face&#8230; As I saw Alex come around  with the injection&#8230; I recall dampening down the urge to stop what was happening, but I looked back into my wonderful girls eyes and told her I loved her&#8230;  As her legs started to buckle and her head dipped  I remember whispering &#8216;Oh god, oh god, oh god&#8230;&#8217; and shaking head to toe feeling sick, the &#8216;oh gods&#8217; some how changed to &#8216;I love you&#8217;s over and over and over, as I kept stroking her face, pausing only as she fell, then dropping to my knees to continue, holding her head and her close for as long as I could.  It was at that point that K pulled into the yard, If there was fire and broken glass, she would have run through and over it&#8230; she enveloped me and held me and my girl tight, covering Ebony&#8217;s eye while we waited and waited for Alex to say she was gone, that her heart had stopped beating, when it had, she lifted her hand and Ebonys eye, once a clear and sparkly dark brown was a cloudy opaque&#8230; and I felt I could leave as I knew she had.  We walked back to the yard, to where the other liveries were waiting with Ben, and I collapsed into my chair&#8230; unable to cry any more and feeling a completely empty shell.    It was how everyone felt&#8230;

I had spent some minutes with Alex thanking him, he had said goodbye to ben and he had told me how it was so much harder to get a vein today, there was no doubt that the time was right and he had left.   It was so surreal, we were sat there, feeling empty drinking tea, and reminiscing about the good days, the days before she got ill.  K and the other liveries, had gone down to cover her over with rugs and got some mane and tail for me&#8230; another thing that I couldn&#8217;t face doing before she was gone.

I had been worrying myself sick for weeks that if/when this happened I would reject Ben, resent him for not being her.  One look at him and I knew that I didn&#8217;t have to worry about that, he was in his stable and looking so bewildered, it was time for him to see her body, I led him out and I thought my heart would break all over again, he was coming apart in front of my eyes.  As he rounded the corner he saw her body and I thought he was going to bolt for it and bank 4 ft into the paddock, but he just about held on and managed to hear my voice, I unclipped him and he ran through the gate to her&#8230;  It was the most heartbreaking sight&#8230; he looked so lost, and I immediately loved him 100 times more, he needed me and he was hurting with his loss.  Once ben had said goodbye and come to terms with the fact that she was gone he went back in his stable, he was as much of an empty shell at that point as I was&#8230; he was thoroughly washed out. &#8216;X&#8217; arrived and with the help of my YO hoisted her onto the flat bed trailer&#8230; apparently even he was shocked, funnily enough, throughout our years of being together, his cheating and violence, no matter how much that affected me, I looked a million times worse that day, and at that very moment I would have given anything for him to hold me tight, despite everything he had done, but in truth, he was so shaken by how I looked he was frightened to touch me, so he took her away, to do what he knew he could do for me, and he buried her.

After that, I went home, and sat in front of the computer, watching endless messages coming from people I had never met, but who were truly shaken by that days final even&#8230; the people who had kept me strong throughout our fight, without the people on Horse and Hound, I don&#8217;t know how I would have made it to that day or through it. It was that night that someone posted a poem, and at that point I did cry, I felt every word of that poem and it killed me, it felt so true&#8230;

God's Foal

I'll lend you for a little while
My grandest foal, He said,
For you to love while she's alive
And mourn for when she's dead.

It may be one or twenty years,
Or days or months, you see.
But, will you, till I take her back,
Take care of her for me?

She'll bring her charms to gladden you,
And should her stay be brief,
You'll have treasured memories
To bring solace in your grief.

I cannot promise she will stay,
Since all from earth return.
But, there are lessons taught on earth
I want this foal to learn.

I've looked the wide world over
In my search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes
With trust I have selected you.

Now will you give her your total love,
Nor think the labour vain,
Nor hate Me when I come
To take her back again?

I know you'll give her tenderness
And love will bloom each day.
And for the happiness you've known
Forever grateful stay.

But should I come and call for her
Much sooner than you'd planned,
You'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And someday understand.

I drank wine and kept reading it and breaking, crying my heart out.  Life was so cruel.


Over the next few days I spent hours and hours with Ben, he despised being out, he went out in the paddock alone, but it took effort just to get him out he would walk so slowly and when he got there he would relax if I was there and eat, but go frantic when I left, then he would just stand there not eating.  He was moody and put his ears back and try to kick at the other liveries horses, outside of the yard area&#8230; the only time he was relaxed was when he was in his stable or when I was with him.  I didn&#8217;t have any time to grieve, though my pain was there it was worry about him that occupied me, he was hurting, he was missing her and he felt alone.  Since he had been weaned, she had always been there for him, and now she was gone, it was devastating to see the effect it had on him, how haunted he looked, no longer the fun loving carefree baby, he had had a huge introduction to how harsh the world could be.  His loss of Ebony affected me more greatly than my own and it took priority it was then that I decided, to give him a couple of weeks to adjust, then send him away for backing, to clear out from the yard and all its painful memories for both of us, and to contact Aunty G and see if she had any spaces&#8230; he would move in there when he came back to me. 

Thank you all for reading this&#8230;  There will be one more instalment which I will try to tap out this weekend, it will be entitled &#8216;six months later&#8217;


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## Nicnac (2 November 2012)

Ooo day off today and 2 new 'chapters' to catch up on.  Need an alarm to let us know when the thread is updated!

Is writing about it making it any easier QB?  It should make you realise what a fantastic job you did with Ebony - so much easier to have given up, but you didn't.

If you don't update before, have a fantastic holiday 
========================================================================================

Wrote the above too soon as you were posting the last 2 bits while I wrote.  Now sitting here with very leaky eyes (from someone who doesn't 'do' crying......  Can't imagine how you were writing that.....  Hug Ben from me x


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## sophiebailey (2 November 2012)

Thanks for sharing QB, shouldn't have read the last two posts at work, made a fool of myself by having to explain why i'm crying my eyes out. 

You're so brave, Ebony was so brave. I can't put into words my admiration for you and your beautiful mare. 

xxxx


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## emma.is (2 November 2012)

beautifully written, I'm honestly crying for you both x


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## Equilibrium Ireland (2 November 2012)

Oh geez, that should have had a tissue warning. I'm so sorry QueenBee. I'm so glad I "met" Ebony through you. I catch myself thinking of you and her story now and again. FWIW, I had to have a 3 1/2 week old foal put down after an accident. I will never forget how her mother grieved for her. We had to leave her with the dead foal for a bit but after 6 hours of not grazing or drinking and just standing over her now dead foal, we had to take her away. It broke my heart to see her that way. I don't care we are not supposed to put human emotions on horses, that was grief. We also had a client mare and foal on the place. That foal used to run up to Stella in her small paddock whinnying. I told my husband to move them somewhere else because it was driving Stella mental. 

Thank you for sharing.

Terri


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## Ventus (2 November 2012)

Queenbee, my heart is sore for you. Your story is truly beautiful but equally heart-breaking. She sounded like an amazing girl, and the partnership you shared is something I hope to have with a horse one day. Take care of yourself, and remember the amazing times you had together. x


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## MrVelvet (2 November 2012)

When I was planning for the end - that was my chosen poem too. Truly beautiful words. 
xxxxxxx


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## janei (2 November 2012)

A truly amazing partnership you had with her, a wonderful horse, thanks for sharing your story.  x


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## Piccy (2 November 2012)

Queenbee, I am sitting at my desk my lunch un touched tears streaming down my face, my heart breaks for you but holds together for the love you had for her and her for you...


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## Gracie21 (2 November 2012)

QB I'm pouring my eyes out, I've had to stop reading because I couldn't see the screen. You are a wonderful writer. I have never felt love from a person to another creature like this, it's amazing


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## Queenbee (2 November 2012)

Six months on...

Once ben was packed up and sent off to boot camp, my body physically relaxed,  it had been a hard year and what had really struck me was how I woke up the day after I had said goodbye to Ebony, and there was another day, a normal day&#8230; life went on, just as it always had&#8230; it was quite surreal.  Ben left for boot camp in the second week of July and with that we said goodbye to the yard, we would never have to look at that stable, the tack room, the paddock, the lane she would graze&#8230;  those painful triggers.  All her tack and her show gear she never got to wear was put away to be dealt with when I was strong enough, as was her rugs&#8230; the rugs she had worn when I said goodbye to her.  

I had, six whole weeks without horses, to just be me for a bit, People were wonderful and kept offering me horses to ride, but I declined&#8230; I needed my first ride to be on Ben, it was the only right thing for me.  As it was, my horse holiday was short lived, Ben was a wonderful student and was back with me sooner than planned.  Three weeks to the day that I sent him away, he walked into the trailer like a saint and unloaded at his new yard&#8230; Aunty G&#8217;s, and he was so perfectly happy, I had back my baby boy and he wasn&#8217;t a little lost soul anymore.  That was on August the 1st.

Its hard to finish this tale off, without jumping from topic to topic, Ben means so much to me in so many different ways, he is to me, despite not being bred from Ebs, a lasting part of her because of all the time she spent with him, teaching him, playing with him and chastising him and then putting up with his relentless throwing of his space hopper into her stable in the middle of the night.  He is entirely different to her, in so many ways, but just like her, you can&#8217;t help but want to do best for him, be the best for him.  Without him, I would have given up riding and never got back on a horse again on June 16th, but he gave me a reason to continue and he is the reason I enjoy continuing.  He is enthusiastic and cheeky, a proper little boy and I look forward to seeing him everyday.  It is a totally different relationship with him, I will have to teach this lummox his strides when jumping, whereas Ebony needed to find her own.   Yesterday after work it was freezing cold and hailing, I went to open the trunk with all the rugs in and steeled myself for the sight of the mark todd medium weight which to me had become such a symbol of my loss, I had resolved to get rid of it, not being able to consider putting it on ben, he had his own moth eaten medium weight rug anyway further down in the trunk&#8230;  when I opened the trunk, there it was and suddenly, nearly six months on I realised, its ok for him to wear it now, it is the best quality rug, the warmest and the nicest, and he absolutely deserves it.  So I picked it up and put it in his stable so he could have a sniff of it, he seemed fine with it so on it went, and I actually felt so warm and fuzzy, very content, turning him out in my old girls special rug, the rug that had kept her warm when she so needed it, was now keeping him warm.

They say everything happens for a reason, and I am a true believer in that.  Although I wish there was no reason for Ebs to have to have left me so early I do not believe that I would have any horse now if I hadn&#8217;t seen Ben that day that x and I went for a barbecue at a friends, and quite possibly if we had been more content, I wouldn&#8217;t have got Ben anyway.  Without Ebony the world for me is a poorer place, but it is rich in that I have my boy, a wonderful horse at the start of his life, to see his enthusiasm for learning is infectious.  For a while x and I drifted along, but after losing Ebony, my heart was cold to him and my tolerance for people who didn&#8217;t deserve to be in my life was low&#8230; beyond low.  After yet another idiotic violent tantrum thrown by x a while back it truly hit me, that I couldn&#8217;t stand him anymore, I couldn&#8217;t stand him near me, I didn&#8217;t want to see him and I certainly didn&#8217;t love him, I realised that I was wasting my life, and I had already wasted far too much of it.  I went home, and have refused to acknowledge any contact since.  The morning after this I woke up so happy.   Now I have a new job, a fantastic horse, memories of the most amazing horse that ever breathed breath on this earth and I am going to look at a house to buy tomorrow morning before I jet off on holiday for some much deserved R & R, there isn&#8217;t anything I wouldn&#8217;t do for one more ride on my gorgeous girl, but that is not possible, I thank her for all her time with me, for the memories, the love and for everything I have become because of her.  I feel positively blessed and very humble that of all the people in all the world&#8230; I should have been the lucky one to be able to share my life with her.


Thank you to all who read this and thank you once again for all your support during Ebonys illness.  You really will never know how much it meant to me.

X Em X


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## councillor (2 November 2012)

Queenbee I missed most of your posts when you were going through your fight to keep you girl going, but I just wanted to say your story deserves to be told and you have done so beautifully.
Im sure Im not the only one who can relate to so many things you have gone through. I lost my boy, who was my greatest love, three years ago after he and I went through very difficult times together and I still miss him with every breath I take.
You are very brave and a credit to every horse lover for giving such unconditional love to Ebony, well done and I wish you every luck and great joy for your future with Ben xxxx


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## Queenbee (2 November 2012)

Im not going to post her photos of her poorly, they can be found on this forum but they are not necesarry wasn't able to post this picture earlier, as I couldn't get on facebook... this is our last photo... it was waiting for me the day after we said goodbye...







it is by my bed xxx


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## Cheiro1 (2 November 2012)

I am not sure what to say.

Your bravery in writing down such painful memories is testament to you, Ebony was a stunning girl and she will be proud of how Ben and you are getting on  x


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## ridefast (2 November 2012)

Oh Queenbee your story has touched me in a way I can't describe, I had to comment even though I have no words...


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## ELFSBELLS (2 November 2012)

Thankyou so much for having the courage to write this, and so beautifully, I wish you many happy years and memories with Ben xx


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## Big Ben (2 November 2012)

I'm glad that your story ends with new beginnings, it is the way, Ebony took you on a journey, and gave you the strength to take the next steps after she had to leave you.

I managed to read quite far before I cried, but strangely it was giving Ben her rug that made me cry at last. 

The horse that captured the biggest past of my heart was a little colt, who I didn't particularly want, I wanted his dam and the little man just came with. We only had him a few short weeks before he died after a very short illness, but he left a huge hole in my life and my heart. 

After him we had many foals born here, but none got to wear my little boys halter, until Angel was born last year, then it became time to hand it on, and she wore it well. 

I'm glad that you had Ben there to wear her blanket.


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## HappyNeds (2 November 2012)

Beautiful story, very moving from start to finish.  I did follow your other thread, and I can't believe it's been 6 months already.  Thank you for sharing all this with us, very touching xxx

And have a great well-deserved holiday


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## Nicnac (2 November 2012)

Thank you for sharing this x
(and so glad you got rid of your x!)


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## wallykissmas (2 November 2012)

It's been lovely to read your story , ebony sounded an amazing horse and its lovely to hear about Ben, I'm sure he will turn into a wonderful guy after all ebony's help.

I'm a,so glad you got rid of x, he sounds like a right pig who could suck the soul out of a rock.

I hope you have a wonderful holiday and can't wait to see pics of your new house.


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## Nannon (2 November 2012)

Oh QB I'm so glad you wrote this, it's just beautiful and I'm so glad you shared it with us all - I didn't want to read the end as I followed the thread when Ebony got ill - cried my eyes out at the end of that and this.
Thank you for sharing and I hope you have many happy years with Ben


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## thehorsephotographer (2 November 2012)

Wow. Thank you for sharing.  I hope that in some way sharing it with us on here has helped.  xx


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## YasandCrystal (3 November 2012)

Thank-you for sharing. You so write from the heart - please write a book, it will be a bestseller.
So extremely moving x


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## chels (3 November 2012)

I've sat here and read 21 pages, and bawled and bawled and bawled.
What an amazing mare, you were so lucky to have found each other.
And such a beautifully written story, even the yucky bits, you are very very talented xx


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## BillyBob-Sleigh (4 November 2012)

Bless you QB, this is so moving. I have cried my eyes out reading this. I have never yet had to put a horse down but it's something we all have to prepare ourselves for - it's part of animal ownership. Massive ((hugs)) and enjoy your holiday, my god you deserve it girl! xx


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## Emilieu (4 November 2012)

Oh QB I just caught up with your last few posts. That pic of you and ebs made me cry again as it did the first time I saw it. 
I hope you have a wonderful holiday and look forward to the Ben updates xxx


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## pogface (5 November 2012)

Well done for writing all this down. I have followed your story from early this year, and have felt for you all the way. I am so glad you have made such progress with Ben and in life generally. I look forward to reading more updates and seeing photos of him. 
Ebony was lucky to have you x


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## Queenbee (5 November 2012)

Thank you everyone, so glad you enjoyed our story, there are a lot of words in this thread written by me but in reality, words can't even describe how much she meant to me and what a wonderful impact she had on my life... Well Ben is in his big sisters mark todd and all toasty back in Cornwall being looked after by aunty g and I am now in buckingham with my sister having dropped off my nephew and neice who stayed with me for half term... Up in the middle of the night to drive to gatwick and jet off for 5 star spa pampering luxury and sunshine in turkey... Can't wait, but will probably be online during hols as the wifi is free in the hotel  will think of you all freezing in uk xxxx


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