# Partner in denial re dog



## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

Hi

I’d like to start by saying I’m not a dog person & by that I mean I like dogs but I’ve never wanted one & now I live with one I don’t see the appeal (sorry)! I do however appreciate that for many people they’re the best thing, family, best friends etc.

I moved in with my partner at the end of March and he has a Lab who’s now 12.5 years old. The dog has been fairly fecally incontinant for a year or so and it’s got worse to the point of 50% of the time he’s going to the toilet in the house & recently it’s become number 1s too. Although we’ve put measures in place to limit where he can roam it’s still awful & quite disgusting- it’s a huge strain on our relationship and the house often stinks. It also require daily hoovering, mopping etc and as my partner is still commuting for work this falls to me. 
the dog can barely walk due to bad hind legs, has cushings, mild liver failure, isn’t eating much, is losing fur & has frequent UTI’s. My partner has him on about 4 different medications for pain etc. He does nothing except sleep all day but will still go for 2 short walks. 
we’re supposed to be buying a house together, but have had to put this on hold because of the style of house we want wouldn’t work in this situation. My life is literally on hold because of a dog. 
I think he needs to start thinking about letting him go but he’s in complete denial. We recently went away, minus dog & it was so lovely to wake up and walk around without worrying about stepping in anything, plus the apartment smelt lovely and fresh all the time. During this break he said he knew he needed to face up to the situation & how he acknowledged that this can’t continue, especially through the winter, but now we’re home he’s back to trying to find ways to prolong things. He’s seriously considering treating the cushings with long term drugs, asking the vet for continuous antibiotics to treat the UTI’s. And he’s ordered a kennel for the garden so in the winter he can be outside for some of the day! This dog hates being outside for longer than 15 minutes & will whine v loudly to be let in even on a lovely day. He’s also talking about next spring when we have another break booked, booking a dog sitter. 
Im at the end of my rope. I can’t live like this indefinitely. As I said at the start I’m not a dog person and so have no experience but is this normal? Is this how it goes with everyone? You just put up with this for years??

I don’t know what to do!


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## JGC (25 September 2020)

Your post brought this poem to mind:

*The Last Battle*
If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then will you do what must be done,
For this — the last battle — can't be won.
You will be sad I understand,
But don't let grief then stay your hand,
For on this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship must stand the test.
We have had so many happy years,
You wouldn't want me to suffer so.
When the time comes, please, let me go.
Take me to where to my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me till the end
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.
I know in time you will agree
It is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.
Don't grieve that it must be you
Who has to decide this thing to do;
We've been so close — we two — these years,
Don't let your heart hold any tears.
— Unknown

Better a day too early than a minute too late.


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## Amymay (25 September 2020)

Time for a literal ‘it’s me or the dog’ conversation.

You could also offer to take the dog to be pts yourself to spare your partner the anguish.


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## Pearlsasinger (25 September 2020)

Have you ever been to the vet appointment with your partner?  I know it is difficult atm but a good question to ask the vet is 'what would you do if this were your dog?'.

I have had Labs (and other dogs) all my life, some do live longer than 12, others don't.  It's not a bad age for a Lab and it certainly sounds as if this poor creature needs someone to do the last kindness for him.
I think all you can do is remind OH about the discussion that you had when you were away.  Sadly some people just won't take their responsibility seriously.


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## {97702} (25 September 2020)

Sorry to be harsh but there is no way I’d be in a relationship with someone who treated an animal like that, that poor dog....

He needs to face up to his responsibilities as an owner and make the right decision for the dog rather than thinking of himself.  The poor dog must have very limited quality of life, it just isn’t fair 😔


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## Squeak (25 September 2020)

From what you're saying it doesn't sound like the dog has a great quality of life anymore.  It might be worth going to the vets next time as Pearlsasinger suggested and see what they're saying.  

Some vets are good about helping owners find the right time and others encourage the owners to keep the dog going long past when they should.  It may be that the vet could be exacerbating the issue here?


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## paddi22 (25 September 2020)

I was in a similar situation with my husband. the dog we got together was the first dog he ever had and he absolutely adored it. it got diabetes and other issues and it's quality of life was bad, but he just couldn't see it. I ended up ringing and chatting to the vet about my worries on the sly. I really pushed the case that prolonging this dogs life wasn't a positive thing and it's quality of life was bad, and that my husband wasn't seeing it. I agree with Squeak, some vets will try and keep the animal going as long as possible as it's what they think the owners want. I really stressed that I was calling to try and get my husband mentally in a place where he could understand the animal had a bad quality of life and the fairest thing was to PTS.

Then we took the dog in because I pretended the vet had asked for a checkup. the vet was amazing and very gently pointed out all the issues the dog had and how it's quality of life was affected. she didn't say to PTS directly but kept repeating how the dog was struggling and would be uncomfortable.  that kind of helped him mentally make the decision to PTS, I think he felt too guilty to make the decision himself in his head. But it does depend on the vet I suppose, and how good they are at communicating and empathy.


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## CorvusCorax (25 September 2020)

To be honest he's lucky it hasn't been referred as a welfare issue. What you've written reads horrifically to me.

Sorry to be Debbie Downer, but how do you think this bodes for other major decisions you're going to have to take as a couple? What about when/if kids come along?

I had a dog for about 14 years, I literally grew up with her, she accompanied my Mum through divorce, further relationships and break ups, bereavements etc. She'd broken a leg in puppyhood and we had it pinned, which was pioneering in those days.
But the first day she struggled to get to her feet was the day we called the vet. We owed it to her not to have her struggle after what she'd given us.


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## Bellasophia (25 September 2020)

Sorry,I disagree with Amy that the decision to p.t.s. (Euthanise) should be put in the hands of the partner who doesn’t own or even like the dog.
The facts are pretty obvious..
..
...the dog is on his last legs and on borrowed time.
...sooner ,rather than later,your man HAS to make the decision to let his lifetime friend go..and trust me this will be months(or for the dog,better  weeks)not years,so hang in there O.P.
...you ,however,have years ahead with your partner.This old dog has just you so try to go to the end .Trust me,your boyfriend will soon see his dog NEEDS to go to the vet and have a dignified closure.
In the meantime,set up a doable environment for the old dog...get a dog gate on the kitchen,a comfy bed with washable covers...but don’t banish a house dog to a kennel outdoors with winter coming.
   I do know what you are going  through OP...try not  to nag your man,let him clean up the messes sometimes  so he realizes what is happening and hopefully you can take the old boy to a peaceful end  to the vets together.
Paddi 22 s  post to get the vet involved to help your partner have clarity is a really good idea.
Tackled with sensitivity,this can unite you,but if you argue over this it will divide you both.


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## Equi (25 September 2020)

Your partner clearly has a large attachment to the dog and it can be very emotionally hard to face the facts some times. This needs compassion for both him and the dog. It’s not the dogs fault he is now old but partner needs a reality check. I would stay by saying to your partner you think he has declined again and it’s maybe time to speak to the vet together and when you go in ask the vet how much longer you think it is ethical to let this go on, and maybe even call before hand to say your partner is struggling to Face the facts but that it’s now a welfare issue in your eyes.  Don’t berate your partner about it or he may feel you have forced him to kill his dog which may cause more problems - but hopefully hearing from a vet can be the messenger who gets shot rather than you . It sounds unlikely the poor boy will last over winter to be fair.


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## WandaMare (25 September 2020)

Some people can't face up to the final decision and if that is the case its about finding them the right help. Your OH probably knows the time has come despite looking for further treatments, and just can't bring himself to make the call.

So how best to help him....agree with PaS that going with him to the vet would really help, then you would be there for him if the vet manages to persuade him its the best thing to do. I would pick a relaxed time at home to talk to him about it, not when he's busy or stressed and talk him through the different scenarios....you take the dog, you both take the dog, you get a friend to take the dog...etc. Hopefully you will hit on one option that he can consider, then do it really quickly before he changes his mind.

You could ring his vet for advice, they must face this all the time. If they are really good, they might even agree to pop round and talk to him. I have taken cats to the vet for my customers to be pts when they haven't been able to face it, I don't judge them, they're probably better at other things than me, we're not all made of the same stuff.


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## wren123 (25 September 2020)

My lab is 12 so I kind of get where he's coming from but I'm shocked he's ordered the kennel. I can understand him trying to medicate the issues to improve the dogs quality of life but it would be cruel to leave the dog outside.
Id go with your partner to the vet and say you're worried that the dog is suffering, also discuss with your partner that you're worried the dog isn't happy, don't focus on the wee and poo, more on the dogs discomfort.
Edited to add what Wandamare said about picking the right time to discuss is spot on.


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## gallopingby (25 September 2020)

Sorry that you’re struggling and the dog is too. However much you are concerned about the dog you need to have A dog or me conversation very soon. Old dogs can be managed, yes it’s sometimes smelly and messy but l wonder what the long term future holds for you both. In my view people tend to be either dog people or cat people. If you really don’t like dogs what’s going to happen in the future when you’re partner wants another or when you want kids? You really need to think about the bigger picture.
aside l agree the vet would probably be best placed to help.


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## paddi22 (25 September 2020)

wren123 said:



			Id go with your partner to the vet and say you're worried that the dog is suffering, also discuss with your partner that you're worried the dog isn't happy, don't focus on the wee and poo, more on the dogs discomfort.
		
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this is an excellent point. I made that mistake a lot. I would point out stuff like the poo and wee, and my partner would just see that as an issue he can solve (more pads, cleaning more, sprays). I should have been pointing out how sad or sore the dog looked


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

Amymay said:



			Time for a literal ‘it’s me or the dog’ conversation.

You could also offer to take the dog to be pts yourself to spare your partner the anguish.
		
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Um not sure I’d win that one! He loves me, I have no doubt but he wouldn’t react well to that x


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## ester (25 September 2020)

The bit I can't get over is that he wants to move his old sick labrador to and outdoor kennel in winter . . . .It makes me wonder how much he does actually like the dog.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

Hi

thanks for your reply. I haven’t been to the vet with him & right now I don’t think it would be possible due to Covid. 
However, in August the dog had a seizure. He took him to the river at about 8pm, it had been a really hot day & it was still warm. The vet thinks it was the shock of going from warm air to cold water. Anyway, at that point he thought that was it & asked the vet what they thought and was told ‘it’s your decision’! He went with medication. 
he’s spending a fortune every month via the vet so I wonder if they’re just happy to keep taking his money 🤷‍♀️


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## PapaverFollis (25 September 2020)

If you went away for a week on your own so he had to look after the dog on his own do you think he would be forced to see the issues? Perhaps.

I would start a conversation something along the lines of "I'm really worried about Fido now, he just looks really sad and tired to me..." and see what he says. If he goes into problem solving mode just keep refocusing on seeing it from Fido's point of view.  I think that's hard to do when you aren't a dog person yourself though.

I don't think it would be good for your relationship if he feels you are pressing him to put the dog down but clearly he needs to have a bit of a reality check.

The kennel thing is really sad. 😥  "I'm not comfortable with putting him outside in a kennel, I think he'll be lonely and sad out there. "  will make him think about it from the dog's perspective again.

My dogs find it really distressing on the (very rare) occasions they've had an accident in the house as adult dogs.   It's always been UTI related so there's a physical discomfort there too but their little sad faces. And I've never told them off for peeing inside they just don't like to do it once they're house trained, it upsets them.

I also think involving the vet in the conversation could be a good idea but some vets are utterly dreadful at pushing a life at all costs approach if owners are open to it. So it might backfire. But I think most vets are pretty good.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

ester said:



			The bit I can't get over is that he wants to move his old sick labrador to and outdoor kennel in winter . . . .It makes me wonder how much he does actually like the dog.
		
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Sorry I think I haven’t explained this well. He’s not planning for the dog to live outside! Currently during the day the dog goes out in the garden for periods of time to lessen the chance of him going in the house. We can’t manage this by simply keeping the door open or just putting him out for 5 minutes. If the door is open he will still go in the house & if he goes out for a little while, he’ll come in and go in the house. 
currently he goes out for a walk first thing
Then has an hour in the garden
After lunch he has another walk
Then an hour in the garden
Then around 5pm he goes out in garden, and again after his dinner. And this works if the weather is ok. However when it’s freezing this is going to be a huge problem & so either I have to clean up poo/wee several times a day (while working a busy full time job) or we try and continue this regime and the kennel helps! ( personally I don’t think it will but I don’t get a say).


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## ihatework (25 September 2020)

You are going to have to handle this very tactfully to keep your relationship in tact. He obviously has a huge emotional attachment to this dog that makes him blind to reality.

Keep the wee and poo out of it.

Your strength in the argument here is welfare and you have to keep that in the forefront of your mind and his.

This dog will die soon. It’s fact. He can choose to keep the dog in those last weeks/months (god forbid years) in constant pain and dying slowly just to make himself feel better, or he can step up and take charge and really do what is best for the dog.

Don’t under estimate how hard this is going to be for many people. He will feel like he is killing his soul.

Help him plan how he would like the dogs final days to be and then put it in motion.


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## honetpot (25 September 2020)

I would take to the vet and have it PTS while he is a work, and tell a fib, it collapsed and needed to be PTS. Pay the vets bill, not the normal vet, then under GDRP you are customer and tell them they are not to discuss it with him, but I would just lie. 
 An old vet once told me when she did locum work she often PTS a lot of animals as she told people it was OK to let go, and that it was time.
You are going to end up falling out over this eventually, so I would give it the least chance of upset, if he finds out and goes ballistic I would rather ask forgiveness, the dogs needs overrule his.
 A lot of men have a real problem-solving mentality, he is trying to solve the problem but not the cause good luck.


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## paddi22 (25 September 2020)

j



honetpot said:



			I would take to the vet and have it PTS while he is a work, and tell a fib, it collapsed and needed to be PTS. Pay the vets bill, not the normal vet, then under GDRP you are customer and tell them they are not to discuss it with him, but I would just lie. e
 An old vet once told me when she did locum work she often PTS a lot of animals as she told people it was OK to let go, and that it was time.
You are going to end up falling out over this eventually, so I would give it the least chance of upset, if he finds out and goes ballistic I would rather ask forgiveness, the dogs needs overrule his.
 A lot of men have a real problem-solving mentality, he is trying to solve the problem but not the cause good luck.
		
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just playing devils advocate on this, as logically it does sound like the fairest solution to the dog,  but it could be important for your partner to say goodbye and be with the dog when it goes. my husband totally surprised me (he's quite a reserved internal person) when he literally gave a ten minute speech directly to the dog as the dog was being injected. it was like something from an American kids film, he gave this gorgeous speech to the dog about how it had been his best friend and all the times they had together. it was so unlike him but he obviously wanted to say goodbye to the dog, and I'm glad he had that time to do it.


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## cobgoblin (25 September 2020)

If you've ever told your partner that you don't like dogs then you've probably negated your own influence. The vet is your best option, although any vet worthy of that title should already have discussed the situation with your partner. It sounds as though he loves the dog very much but just can't make the final decision... It's a very difficult thing for many people. 
I wouldn't do the dog or me conversation unless you are prepared for him to chose the dog or blame you forever, far better to let the vet do their job. 
I certainly would not tell him lies and take the dog to be pts.. That's not a good basis for any relationship and truth usually comes out. 

If he's a dog lover he will want another, perhaps you ought to consider that.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

gallopingby said:



			Sorry that you’re struggling and the dog is too. However much you are concerned about the dog you need to have A dog or me conversation very soon. Old dogs can be managed, yes it’s sometimes smelly and messy but l wonder what the long term future holds for you both. In my view people tend to be either dog people or cat people. If you really don’t like dogs what’s going to happen in the future when you’re partner wants another or when you want kids? You really need to think about the bigger picture.
aside l agree the vet would probably be best placed to help.
		
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You’ve made valid points, that I’ve asked myself. We’ve talked about this and firstly we’ve agreed we won’t have another dog for at least 10 years as we want to buy a house abroad to do up and spend holidays, long weekends in. The dog will be one that works for both of us, smaller & doesn’t shed. Also, he’s very relaxed about dogs in bed (not currently think god)! Etc. But I don’t want this or begging, on sofa etc! ( I sound like such a fun sponge)... we’ve agreed we will have more boundaries. 
also I feel I’ve come in to the dogs life at the worse time & so I’ve only seen the negative aspects of having a dog. Not the dogs fault i know and I’m very kind to him & try hard not to show my displeasure.


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## Equi (25 September 2020)

paddi22 said:



			j

just playing devils advocate on this, as logically it does sound like the fairest solution to the dog,  but it could be important for your partner to say goodbye and be with the dog when it goes. my husband totally surprised me (he's quite a reserved internal person) when he literally gave a ten minute speech directly to the dog as the dog was being injected. it was like something from an American kids film, he gave this gorgeous speech to the dog about how it had been his best friend and all the times they had together. it was so unlike him but he obviously wanted to say goodbye to the dog, and I'm glad he had that time to do it.
		
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Ooh I think I have something in my eye....


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## NinjaPony (25 September 2020)

It sounds like he is in total denial and is incredibly attached to the dog. I would suggest sitting down and having an honest conversation about your concerns for the dog's quality of life. Express understanding about how difficult it is for him, and how he must be feeling about it. Don't frame it as 'I'm fed up of the dog and the inconvenience', but rather 'how can I support you to do the right thing'. I think having a phone call with the vet with him would be a good idea. Vet needs to step up and tell him that enough is enough. I would also suggest putting him in touch with a free helpline, like the blue cross one, to talk through his grief.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

Ps we won’t be having kids! We’re both mod 40s. I have grown up children and he doesn’t have any (except the dog)..


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## paddi22 (25 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			You’ve made valid points, that I’ve asked myself. We’ve talked about this and firstly we’ve agreed we won’t have another dog for at least 10 years as we want to buy a house abroad to do up and spend holidays, long weekends in. The dog will be one that works for both of us, smaller & doesn’t shed. Also, he’s very relaxed about dogs in bed (not currently think god)! Etc. But I don’t want this or begging, on sofa etc! ( I sound like such a fun sponge)... we’ve agreed we will have more boundaries. 
also I feel I’ve come in to the dogs life at the worse time & so I’ve only seen the negative aspects of having a dog. Not the dogs fault i know and I’m very kind to him & try hard not to show my displeasure.
		
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that's a tough one. he can genuinely want to find solutions, but at the end of the day a dog person is always a dog person and he came installed with this love for dogs long before he met you, so it's a base trait in his personality. .I know if my partner was to logically convince me we didn't need a dog I could probably go along with it but I  would be absolutely miserable not having a dog in the house. I would look at every person walking a dog and feel jealous, I would see dogs on tv on their owners laps and be sad. 

Dogs aren't a utility you try and fit into your home with the least fuss. they are family members, they make a mess and disrupt your life in good and bad ways. there is no way of owning a dog without this happening and I don't think you are being realistic or honest about things with each other.  this kind of things can blow into a HUGE issue down the line.


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## ester (25 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			Sorry I think I haven’t explained this well. He’s not planning for the dog to live outside! Currently during the day the dog goes out in the garden for periods of time to lessen the chance of him going in the house. We can’t manage this by simply keeping the door open or just putting him out for 5 minutes. If the door is open he will still go in the house & if he goes out for a little while, he’ll come in and go in the house.
currently he goes out for a walk first thing
Then has an hour in the garden
After lunch he has another walk
Then an hour in the garden
Then around 5pm he goes out in garden, and again after his dinner. And this works if the weather is ok. However when it’s freezing this is going to be a huge problem & so either I have to clean up poo/wee several times a day (while working a busy full time job) or we try and continue this regime and the kennel helps! ( personally I don’t think it will but I don’t get a say).
		
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Yes I knew you meant in the daytime, it still doesn't seem appropriate to me.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

honetpot said:



			I would take to the vet and have it PTS while he is a work, and tell a fib, it collapsed and needed to be PTS. Pay the vets bill, not the normal vet, then under GDRP you are customer and tell them they are not to discuss it with him, but I would just lie.
An old vet once told me when she did locum work she often PTS a lot of animals as she told people it was OK to let go, and that it was time.
You are going to end up falling out over this eventually, so I would give it the least chance of upset, if he finds out and goes ballistic I would rather ask forgiveness, the dogs needs overrule his.
A lot of men have a real problem-solving mentality, he is trying to solve the problem but not the cause good luck.
		
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OMG I would never do this. Apart from anything it would be the end of our relationship,  but that aside, it’s his dog/best friend and the decision is his. I feel he’s in denial about that decision but I would never take it out of his hands.


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## PapaverFollis (25 September 2020)

FWIW my mum was never a dog person and still isn't but she loved the dogs that were hers from the start.  She would not have enjoyed being put into in an old, incontinent dog situation with a dog that wasn't her own but she did love her own dogs very much and misses having a dog about now. Still not a doggy person but appreciates them now and still likes to borrow other people's for walks.  So I think it's perfectly possible for a not a doggy person to be a happy dog owner.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

ester said:



			Yes I knew you meant in the daytime, it still doesn't seem appropriate to me.
		
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Doesn’t to me either it what is the alternative? 
inhabe neither the time nor the stomach to clean up several times a day and my partner is out of the house from 7.30 until 18.30 Monday- Friday!


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## ihatework (25 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			Doesn’t to me either it what is the alternative?
inhabe neither the time nor the stomach to clean up several times a day and my partner is out of the house from 7.30 until 18.30 Monday- Friday!
		
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Ask him if


Houndnothorse said:



			Doesn’t to me either it what is the alternative?
inhabe neither the time nor the stomach to clean up several times a day and my partner is out of the house from 7.30 until 18.30 Monday- Friday!
		
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Well the stark reality is someone has to. It’s utterly horrific to be suggesting keeping an elderly incontinent family pet outside for extended time periods in winter due to toileting issues.

Do you have any friends who are vets that can address this issue with him?

Can you turn on the waterworks a bit so he can see how upset this is making you?


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

cobgoblin said:



			If you've ever told your partner that you don't like dogs then you've probably negated your own influence. The vet is your best option, although any vet worthy of that title should already have discussed the situation with your partner. It sounds as though he loves the dog very much but just can't make the final decision... It's a very difficult thing for many people.
I wouldn't do the dog or me conversation unless you are prepared for him to chose the dog or blame you forever, far better to let the vet do their job.
I certainly would not tell him lies and take the dog to be pts.. That's not a good basis for any relationship and truth usually comes out.

If he's a dog lover he will want another, perhaps you ought to consider that.
		
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Yes I think the fact that I’m not overly keen doesn’t help as it comes across like I just want rid because it’s  unpleasant/inconvenient. I don’t want him to feel pressured as he will resent me. The dog has had a lovely, long life  and has been taken care of wonderfully. I just feel now or certainly soon is the time to allow him to go peacefully. I’ve tried to say this but I get stonewalled. I can’t call the vet because if he found out again he’d think I was engineering the conversation. I don’t have any options really- well move out or wait!


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## WandaMare (25 September 2020)

OP do you have any close friends or family who are dog lovers who could come and talk to him? Sometimes having an outside party involved really helps and if they are also a dog lover he might feel they understand how he's feeling. If you could find someone who he likes who has been through the same thing and could talk to him that would be even better.

You could just invite them round and move onto the subject gradually...


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

WandaMare said:



			OP do you have any close friends or family who are dog lovers who could come and talk to him? Sometimes having an outside party involved really helps and if they are also a dog lover he might feel they understand how he's feeling. If you could find someone who he likes who has been through the same thing and could talk to him that would be even better.

You could just invite them round and move onto the subject gradually...
		
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His mum tried once and she’s more of a dog person than he is but he shut her down. He told her he knew his dog and it was his decision. He absolutely won’t listen to anyone else. He says he hopes the dog just dies in his sleep but I know the chance of that is minimal.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

ihatework said:



			Ask him if

Do you have any friends who are vets that can address this issue with him?
Sadly no. 

Can you turn on the waterworks a bit so he can see how upset this is making you?
		
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Ha ha, no I’ve never been able to cry on demand or even when upset!! 

Well the stark reality is someone has to. It’s utterly horrific to be suggesting keeping an elderly incontinent family pet outside for extended time periods in winter due to toileting issues.

Genuine question as I don’t know- is an hour an extended period of time?


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## BallyJ (25 September 2020)

I'm in the same situation with my parents and its awful I really feel for you. I have offered to take the dog, but they say they owe her more than sending her to the vets with me. 
Not much to add, just a post in solidarity with your predicament, my parent are however away next week and have given me permission to do it if required. So I do have an end date for the poor thing.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

BallyJ said:



			I'm in the same situation with my parents and its awful I really feel for you. I have offered to take the dog, but they say they owe her more than sending her to the vets with me.
Not much to add, just a post in solidarity with your predicament, my parent are however away next week and have given me permission to do it if required. So I do have an end date for the poor thing.
		
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Thanks for your message and I hope it goes ok. I do feel for him and your parents, it’s a horrible position to be in but I guess that’s part of having a pet. I think I’ve been really supportive but it’s enough now


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## ihatework (25 September 2020)

Yes, an hour is an extended period of time for a dog at this stage of its life.

Perhaps print this thread off. Leave it on the side for him to read and digest while you are not there. With any luck, on your return he may start to talk about it.

In March I had my old lab PTS. His back legs were all but gone and he was going senile. He was still continent. The vet came to my house and did him there. He was lying on his bed, me sat on the bed with him feeding him steak.


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## honetpot (25 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			You’ve made valid points, that I’ve asked myself. We’ve talked about this and firstly we’ve agreed we won’t have another dog for at least 10 years as we want to buy a house abroad to do up and spend holidays, long weekends in. The dog will be one that works for both of us, smaller & doesn’t shed. Also, he’s very relaxed about dogs in bed (not currently think god)! Etc. But I don’t want this or begging, on sofa etc! ( I sound like such a fun sponge)... we’ve agreed we will have more boundaries.
also I feel I’ve come in to the dogs life at the worse time & so I’ve only seen the negative aspects of having a dog. Not the dogs fault i know and I’m very kind to him & try hard not to show my displeasure.
		
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 I think in that case there is something else going on. My husband does not particularly like animals, we have a dog and four cats. I do all the care, take the responsibility, so I think he's just pushing the responsibility on to you with no consequences, and perhaps it's an excuse to not move on with your lives, for what ever reason.


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## Ranyhyn (25 September 2020)

Please show him my post.

I had a dog, growing up called Baba.  I loved that dog so much.  At 13 he started to go down hill very rapidly over the course of a week and after a vet visit I could not say goodbye, I couldnt make the decision, I thought I'd have more time.

 I brought him from the vets and put him by my bedside that night.  By the time the morning came he could not breath, he could not stand..by the time we got to the vets he didnt even know I was there.  I said goodbye to him having no idea I was there for him or how much I loved him.

I regret that choice every single day.  If I had a do-over we'd wander into the vets, slowly but ably, we'd eat sausages on our way and cry and hug and talk.  Id hold him quietly while he looked up at me with those beautiful doggy eyes that know everything and i'd let him slip away in my arms.

If you have that luxury, take it. All the best x


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## Archangel (25 September 2020)

What did he do before you moved in regarding letting the dog out etc?  It could be that the dog was always left for a long (or too long a) time and there is a historical problem with messing in the house and it has got a whole lot worse with age. 

It is very unfair that it automatically falls to you to clean up just because you are WFH (although not sure I can see another way).

The dog is going to be denied access to the house which is a whole lot different to "being out in the garden" and the dog will know it. 

Poor old dog.  Deserves better doesn't he.


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## Amymay (25 September 2020)

I haven’t been to the vet with him & right now I don’t think it would be possible due to Covid.
		
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Vet’s are still treating animals...


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

Amymay said:



			Vet’s are still treating animals...
		
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Yes of course but only 1 person is allowed to accompany. That’s the tile at the vet he goes to.


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## fankino04 (25 September 2020)

It's a horrid position to be in op. My OH is a great one for burying his head in the sand and saying it will be fine, I spent a good few weeks telling him that "decision time" was coming with ash, but he wouldn't accept it, luckily they are OUR dogs so when enough was enough I simply told him as he was getting up that I was calling the vets as soon as they were open to get someone out that morning to pts, he just said ok and that he could finish work at 11am to be back home. One thing to maybe raise with him is that obviously the dog hasn't got long left and with another lockdown on the cards how would he feel if he had to hand the dog over in a car park to the vet and not be able to be there for him at the end?


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## FinnishLapphund (25 September 2020)

Dog owners are just like all other humans, some thinks that quality of life is important, some thinks that staying alive is all that matters, and anything between those two types.

Sadly your boyfriend seems to be one of those persons who desperately wants their pets to stay alive for as long as possible, no matter what. By the way, I see nothing wrong with for example trying to treat an otherwise happy dog for Cushings, or trying to fix pain problems in legs, or backs, etc. But what you describe is not what I would consider acceptable.

And to then come up with the idea of building a kennel to a dog that doesn't like to stay outdoors longer than necessary... It isn't even an attempt to try and solve any of the dog's problem, without it would only serve your boyfriend's purpose of wanting his dog to stay alive.

Admittedly, I'm willing to do a whole lot of things to try and fix my pets (you can have a look at my thread There is something wrong with Blomma, if you want to know what madness I'm currently up to). But I still like to think that I only try to fix them as long as it is worth it for them, and they're able to enjoy life.


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## ester (25 September 2020)

yes but it is going to be more difficult to engineer a conversation between vet and partner as they mostly aren't having people in on consults atm.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

Archangel said:



			What did he do before you moved in regarding letting the dog out etc?  It could be that the dog was always left for a long (or too long a) time and there is a historical problem with messing in the house and it has got a whole lot worse with age.

It is very unfair that it automatically falls to you to clean up just because you are WFH (although not sure I can see another way).

The dog is going to be denied access to the house which is a whole lot different to "being out in the garden" and the dog will know it.

Poor old dog.  Deserves better doesn't he.
		
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When he got the dog 12.5 years ago he was married and worked locally. His ex worked part time. After she moved out he had a lodger who worked nights and in return for reduced rent he looked after the dog in day time. Plus he has a dog walker. The dog was always very clean and house trained until a year ago. 
I don’t want it to seem like the dog isn’t well cared for, he is. Overly pampered IMHO!


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

FinnishLapphund said:



			Dog owners are just like all other humans, some thinks that quality of life is important, some thinks that staying alive is all that matters, and anything between those two types.

Sadly your boyfriend seems to be one of those persons who desperately wants their pets to stay alive for as long as possible, no matter what. By the way, I see nothing wrong with for example trying to treat an otherwise happy dog for Cushings, or trying to fix pain problems in legs, or backs, etc. But what you describe is not what I would consider acceptable.

And to then come up with the idea of building a kennel to a dog that doesn't like to stay outdoors longer than necessary... It isn't even an attempt to try and solve any of the dog's problem, without it would only serve your boyfriend's purpose of wanting his dog to stay alive.

Admittedly, I'm willing to do a whole lot of things to try and fix my pets (you can have a look at my thread There is something wrong with Blomma, if you want to know what madness I'm currently up to). But I still like to think that I only try to fix them as long as it is worth it for them, and they're able to enjoy life.
		
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Oh I agree that if a pet is in pain and you can help that you should! I understand the responsibility to do that.  But giving a dog who is 12.5 yrs old chemotherapy drugs is too far? The side effects are meant to be horrible and how much is it going to extend his life? If he was 5/6 it would be a different matter. 
honestly I think the kennel is to keep the peace. If I wasn’t here he’d leave the dog indoors and deal with the absolute massacre after work. But he knows i won’t accept having to clean up numerous times a day. Plus I’m working and so don’t really have time.its actually impossible.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

honetpot said:



			I think in that case there is something else going on. My husband does not particularly like animals, we have a dog and four cats. I do all the care, take the responsibility, so I think he's just pushing the responsibility on to you with no consequences, and perhaps it's an excuse to not move on with your lives, for what ever reason.
		
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no, he would move tomorrow but I’m not buying a house that’s suitable for an incontinant dog and also having new floors ruined in the process!


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## Bellasophia (25 September 2020)

I think your title should be revised to .
“I am in denial with my partner who loves his dog..“

I've read and re read these posts..
you are not a dog lover,you don’t want this dog ,you don’t want another dog...
You want a clean ,hair free,dog free  home,
You want to go on holidays. You want to be completely free..freeee!
  Yet you are saddled with this old smelly,pooping,inconvenient,sick ,  old dog.
Worse yet,your dog loving partner  may even get another dog..god forbid!!! 
!OOOF,just think of those new carpets,the  smell,the dog hairs,...I’m swooning with you...you are not a dog person..not a crime,it’s a reality.
   You really should rethink your future lives ,as neither one of you will be happy if one of you has to renounce their values for the other..I’m not judging either partner but you both are on completely different paths here.
   I would never give up my dogs for my partner..but made it clear when I entered a relationship that my dogs were a  vital part of my life..take it or leave it.


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## honetpot (25 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			no, he would move tomorrow but I’m not buying a house that’s suitable for an incontinant dog and also having new floors ruined in the process!
		
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Precisely, so that also puts the responsibility on you. We would move but.....


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## cobgoblin (25 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			You’ve made valid points, that I’ve asked myself. We’ve talked about this and firstly we’ve agreed we won’t have another dog for at least 10 years as we want to buy a house abroad to do up and spend holidays, long weekends in. The dog will be one that works for both of us, smaller & doesn’t shed. Also, he’s very relaxed about dogs in bed (not currently think god)! Etc. But I don’t want this or begging, on sofa etc! ( I sound like such a fun sponge)... we’ve agreed we will have more boundaries.
also I feel I’ve come in to the dogs life at the worse time & so I’ve only seen the negative aspects of having a dog. Not the dogs fault i know and I’m very kind to him & try hard not to show my displeasure.
		
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Although I do agree with you about the plight of the current dog, I have to admit that you do seem to be a bit of a fun sponge as regards a pet dog. I'm willing to bet that the conditions agreed on came mostly from you, as things you object to are pretty normal for most dog lovers unless they are working dogs. 
Perhaps he would rather have a dog than a house abroad, or feels that if he gives up this dog, then he won't be 'allowed' to have one for 10yrs and then only at your discretion of what breed etc. Maybe, as a dog lover, he is regretting agreeing to those terms. 
.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

cobgoblin said:



			Although I do agree with you about the plight of the current dog, I have to admit that you do seem to be a bit of a fun sponge as regards a pet dog. I'm willing to bet that the conditions agreed on came mostly from you, as things you object to are pretty normal for most dog lovers unless they are working dogs.
Perhaps he would rather have a dog than a house abroad, or feels that if he gives up this dog, then he won't be 'allowed' to have one for 10yrs and then only at your discretion of what breed etc. Maybe, as a dog lover, he is regretting agreeing to those terms.
.
		
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Buying a place abroad is actually his dream, but I love the idea too. He told me early on the he wouldn’t be getting another dog for a long time because A he doesn’t have time due to work commitments and B the desire to buy a place abroad. but yes you’re right, I’m not really a let’s have a dog all over the house type of person but I don’t need to be. One of my closest friends had 2 dogs and loves them very much but they’re not allowed in furniture, in bed etc. They’re still very happy and loved.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

Bellasophia said:



			I think your title should be revised to .
“I am in denial with my partner who loves his dog..“

I've read and re read these posts..
you are not a dog lover,you don’t want this dog ,you don’t want another dog...
You want a clean ,hair free,dog free  home,
You want to go on holidays. You want to be completely free..freeee!
  Yet you are saddled with this old smelly,pooping,inconvenient,sick ,  old dog.
Worse yet,your dog loving partner  may even get another dog..god forbid!!!
!OOOF,just think of those new carpets,the  smell,the dog hairs,...I’m swooning with you...you are not a dog person..not a crime,it’s a reality.
   You really should rethink your future lives ,as neither one of you will be happy if one of you has to renounce their values for the other..I’m not judging either partner but you both are on completely different paths here.
   I would never give up my dogs for my partner..but made it clear when I entered a relationship that my dogs were a  vital part of my life..take it or leave it.
		
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Thanks for your honesty. You’re right this is exactly what I am like- I love a clean, hair free, pet smell free home! However I think this is achievable with a dog, in fact I know lots of people who have this and also apart from this, admittedly, big issue we get on very well, have lots of other common interests, laugh lots and are very much in love, hence why I haven’t simply walked away.


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## Ranyhyn (25 September 2020)

^^ Agreed.  My dogs are not allowed out of the utility room.  We are sheep farmers, none of them have been clean for a very long time


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## Aru (25 September 2020)

In the short term treating the cushings disease would probably solve the urinary incontince issues and make your life easier. At the moment that poor animal is essentially being pumped full of steriods from a pituitary tumour making him drink and urinate excessively.He likely feels hungry all the time and has recurrent Utis and skin issues..But that's a separate issue.

You need to get your boyfriend to go have a quality of life discussion with the vets. Existing isn't the same as living.

If there's nothing to look forward to going forward for the dog then what has the poor animal to look forward to only more days of existing and a downward spiral in quality of life.
He's putting off the visit because he doenst want to say goodbye to his best mate...But in the mean time the dogs suffering from his inaction. Putting him outside coming into wintertime is not a solution. Time to suggest he step up and take some action one way or the other. But what's happening now is not ok.

This is the responsibility involved with owning dogs. He needs to start thinking about what's the right thing for the dog.

Very few dogs die in their sleep. We are biological machines and are not designed to turn off so easily. It takes a lot of deterioration to get to that point unless there is a heart issue.

Euthanasia in the arms of someone you love is not a bad way to go.

In his heart of hearts your partner already knows he's on borrowed time with his dog that's why hes hesitating. It's a horrible choice to have to make.
Could you bring it up and see if he needs to or is able to spend some time with the dog before letting him go?


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## Bellasophia (25 September 2020)

Hi again..no judgement here..we all like a sweet smelling  home..
  It can be done,but with a sick dog,who may be incontinent...or an old dog who may be both incontinent and pooping Willy nilly ,the task is harder to achieve...

this is going to be short term..Please,let this one go to the end..
in the final run..get the dog gate..lots of detergent for the floor washes..keep positive. put easily washed covers on the furniture..   you get the drift.
*get that vet visit booked*..try to get your partner to see the dog is on his last run,but you are at his side for this..you do this together..
This is as much about your future with your partner as it is for this dog,s last weeks or months. Good luck.


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## cobgoblin (25 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			Buying a place abroad is actually his dream, but I love the idea too. He told me early on the he wouldn’t be getting another dog for a long time because A he doesn’t have time due to work commitments and B the desire to buy a place abroad. but yes you’re right, I’m not really a let’s have a dog all over the house type of person but I don’t need to be. One of my closest friends had 2 dogs and loves them very much but they’re not allowed in furniture, in bed etc. They’re still very happy and loved.
		
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Then why not say to him now that if he wants to get another dog now, then that's OK by you. If what you say is true, then he won't even consider getting one but it may unblock the decision on this one. There is a world of difference between having a dog and not having one if that is what you are used to. Things that seem desirable under one set of circumstances may not be so desirable under others. 
.


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## 1523679 (25 September 2020)

I’ve had to have this conversation with my parents who were desperate not to have to make the hardest decision with their Lab bitch.

Was this how they wanted to remember her? In pain, struggling, with the misery of soiling her bed and no joy in going for a walk? Or did they want to remember their loved and loving companion of so many years, the wonderful girl she had been before her illness and the happiness she had given them for so long?

(They had her PTS. I sat alone at home and sobbed at the appointed time, both for a wonderful dog and for my parents’ loss.)


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

Bellasophia said:



			Hi again..no judgement here..we all like a sweet smelling  home..
  It can be done,but with a sick dog,who may be incontinent...or an old dog who may be both incontinent and pooping Willy nilly ,the task is harder to achieve...

this is going to be short term..Please,let this one go to the end..
in the final run..get the dog gate..lots of detergent for the floor washes..keep positive. put easily washed covers on the furniture..   you get the drift.
*get that vet visit booked*..try to get your partner to see the dog is on his last run,but you are at his side for this..you do this together..
This is as much about your future with your partner as it is for this dog,s last weeks or months. Good luck.
		
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I don’t feel judged and actually I’m happy for people to challenge my views as perhaps I’m wrong and just being unfair. 
I am willing to accept in our current situation that our home isn’t a fragrant as I’d like it to be because it’s a means to an end, but I’d like this to be short term. It’s been a year and 7 months since I lived here and I think perhaps until the end of the year might be acceptable but not beyond. Honestly we are keeping Flash floor cleaner and zoflora in business just now! 
this morning I was particularly upset because it was just pools of diarrhoea everywhere in dinning room,  (luckily partner is off today)! However you’re right I need to approach this carefully. He had a vets apt next weekend and I’m going to go along, if I can. Either way I am going to say to him that he should ask the vet what they would do in this situation, I would they put him through a biopsy and then chemo at his age and continue to allow him to merely exist.


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## Clodagh (25 September 2020)

Poor, poor dog. Trust me, he knows you hate him. You can’t help that and you can even pretend to him that you don’t wish he was dead but dogs know.
Forget the kennel, the dog has no idea what’s going on with his bowels and bladder. If he coincidentally shits in the garden if you leave him out there long enough that is no victory, nor is it humane. He needs to be restricted to an easy to clean area of the house where he can be warm and comfortable.
Yes I think he should be pts but tbh I think perhaps you should move out until he dies. It must be hell on earth for all three of you.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

Aru said:



			In the short term treating the cushings disease would probably solve the urinary incontince issues and make your life easier. At the moment that poor animal is essentially being pumped full of steriods from a pituitary tumour making him drink and urinate excessively.He likely feels hungry all the time and has recurrent Utis and skin issues..But that's a separate issue.

You need to get your boyfriend to go have a quality of life discussion with the vets. Existing isn't the same as living.

If there's nothing to look forward to going forward for the dog then what has the poor animal to look forward to only more days of existing and a downward spiral in quality of life.
He's putting off the visit because he doenst want to say goodbye to his best mate...But in the mean time the dogs suffering from his inaction. Putting him outside coming into wintertime is not a solution. Time to suggest he step up and take some action one way or the other. But what's happening now is not ok.

This is the responsibility involved with owning dogs. He needs to start thinking about what's the right thing for the dog.

Very few dogs die in their sleep. We are biological machines and are not designed to turn off so easily. It takes a lot of deterioration to get to that point unless there is a heart issue.

Euthanasia in the arms of someone you love is not a bad way to go.

In his heart of hearts your partner already knows he's on borrowed time with his dog that's why hes hesitating. It's a horrible choice to have to make.
Could you bring it up and see if he needs to or is able to spend some time with the dog before letting him go?
		
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He’s been told the dog would need a biopsy to determine the type of cushings and then both treatments are chemo drugs. Sickness a side effect. Personally I think this is too evasive for an elderly dog but anything I say is viewed as negative because I just want this to be over!


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## WandaMare (25 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			I don’t feel judged and actually I’m happy for people to challenge my views as perhaps I’m wrong and just being unfair.
I am willing to accept in our current situation that our home isn’t a fragrant as I’d like it to be because it’s a means to an end, but I’d like this to be short term. It’s been a year and 7 months since I lived here and I think perhaps until the end of the year might be acceptable but not beyond. Honestly we are keeping Flash floor cleaner and zoflora in business just now!
this morning I was particularly upset because it was just pools of diarrhoea everywhere in dinning room,  (luckily partner is off today)! However you’re right I need to approach this carefully. He had a vets apt next weekend and I’m going to go along, if I can. Either way I am going to say to him that he should ask the vet what they would do in this situation, I would they put him through a biopsy and then chemo at his age and continue to allow him to merely exist.
		
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I would ring the vet before hand and prime him or her with the back story. Tell them exactly the life the dog has at home and the impact its having on your lives. That way they can support you during the consultation and help steer him towards the right outcome. Our vets are brilliant like that, I told my horse vet a few weeks ago that I was struggling to make the decision with my old horse and she has guided me through everything and when the day came earlier this week, she couldn't have been more supportive and helpful.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

Clodagh said:



			Poor, poor dog. Trust me, he knows you hate him. You can’t help that and you can even pretend to him that you don’t wish he was dead but dogs know.
Forget the kennel, the dog has no idea what’s going on with his bowels and bladder. If he coincidentally shits in the garden if you leave him out there long enough that is no victory, nor is it humane. He needs to be restricted to an easy to clean area of the house where he can be warm and comfortable.
Yes I think he should be pts but tbh I think perhaps you should move out until he dies. It must be hell on earth for all three of you.
		
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Yes I’ve considered moving out. Not as simple as it sounds though. I sold my house and so I’d have to rent, remove mo furniture etc. All will I. Semi lockdown. Plus I think if I move out it’s the end of us.


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## Clodagh (25 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			Yes I’ve considered moving out. Not as simple as it sounds though. I sold my house and so I’d have to rent, remove mo furniture etc. All will I. Semi lockdown. Plus I think if I move out it’s the end of us.
		
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I really do feel for you. Rock and a hard place! I love dogs but I couldn’t be dealing with what you are.
Good luck at the vets but I suspect if you push him to pts he may resent you for that going forwards.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

cobgoblin said:



			Then why not say to him now that if he wants to get another dog now, then that's OK by you. If what you say is true, then he won't even consider getting one but it may unblock the decision on this one. There is a world of difference between having a dog and not having one if that is what you are used to. Things that seem desirable under one set of circumstances may not be so desirable under others.
.
		
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God no, just in case! 
he knows he’s not in the position to get another dog. He’s been promoted twice over the last 12 years and is now in a really senior position and he works long hours. I don’t want to look after a dog, and anyway in normal times I travel overnight 2-3 times a month for work so it’s just not realistic.


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## Rowreach (25 September 2020)

Just as a general point, it really pisses me off when people who profess to "love" animals are incapable of doing the right thing by them when they are obviously suffering.  And that includes my mother, who has let animals die rather than get the vet because she's doing her impression of an ostrich, and an ex boyfriend who was seemingly besotted by his dogs but refused to have them vaccinated, with rather tragic results.

But in your case OP I feel sorry for the dog and sorry for you, because you are in an impossible situation here.  Your partner is clearly in complete denial but is showing himself in a very unattractive light (whether you like dogs or not) in the way he is treating both you and the dog.

The thing about labradors in particular is that (regardless of any other health issues) once their back ends start to go, incontinence will set in, and invariably if you don't intervene and pts earlier rather than later, you will find one day that he simply cannot get up or use his back end at all.  And that is a stage you really shouldn't let it get to.

Whatever, this poor dog needs either to be pts soon, or you need to accept that he will be kept largely indoors if you decide to extend his life further.  Seriously, the kennel thing and leaving him outside for anything other than a few minutes is a complete no no.  That's just cruel.

Your man needs to wise up and understand that he is being completely unfair to his dog and is increasing his suffering on a daily basis.  How you put that across to him, I do not know.


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## NinjaPony (25 September 2020)

I just also want to say OP that I feel for you. Whether or not you like dogs in general, you seem to have the dogs best interests at heart, and have accepted what his owner can't; that the best thing for the dog right now would be to be PTS. I don't think your partner is behaving kindly and considerately to either you or the dog.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

Rowreach said:



			Just as a general point, it really pisses me off when people who profess to "love" animals are incapable of doing the right thing by them when they are obviously suffering.  And that includes my mother, who has let animals die rather than get the vet because she's doing her impression of an ostrich, and an ex boyfriend who was seemingly besotted by his dogs but refused to have them vaccinated, with rather tragic results.

But in your case OP I feel sorry for the dog and sorry for you, because you are in an impossible situation here.  Your partner is clearly in complete denial but is showing himself in a very unattractive light (whether you like dogs or not) in the way he is treating both you and the dog.

The thing about labradors in particular is that (regardless of any other health issues) once their back ends start to go, incontinence will set in, and invariably if you don't intervene and pts earlier rather than later, you will find one day that he simply cannot get up or use his back end at all.  And that is a stage you really shouldn't let it get to.

Whatever, this poor dog needs either to be pts soon, or you need to accept that he will be kept largely indoors if you decide to extend his life further.  Seriously, the kennel thing and leaving him outside for anything other than a few minutes is a complete no no.  That's just cruel.

Your man needs to wise up and understand that he is being completely unfair to his dog and is increasing his suffering on a daily basis.  How you put that across to him, I do not know.
		
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I don’t want to be overly hard on him because he really does love the dog but is currently making poor decisions and we’ve all done that because of love! Although usually the one that suffers is ourselves.. 
I’m going to mention the kennel again later, but he’s ordered it already!
He once said he would let the dog go only when he couldn’t walk anymore. Then he backtracked and said he wouldn’t let it go that far but I think that’s where this is headed!


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## GinaGeo (25 September 2020)

As someone who fears she may find herself in this situation at some point I sympathise. 

I know if the roles were reversed I would not be impressed with my partner telling me what to do with my Dog. Equally, my dog is my responsibility, I provide all of his care and I would never let him suffer. 

I have recently guided my partner through losing one of his Labs (fortunately?) it was quick and the decision was taken out of his hands. He still blames himself for not paying for her to have multiple blood transfusions after the first only lasted two days. His remaining Lab is left, and is currently a healthy, albeit quite arthritic, old boy. I help where I can, point out my observations (being horsey I seem more tuned in to seeing lameness and the signs of discomfort). And whilst I'd like to think he'd make the sensible decision when the time comes, I can see it taking longer than ideal. But my role will not be to make the decision, but to act as a sounding board. We each had our own dogs before meeting, they aren't "our" dogs. 

Your situation is slightly different in that you have ended up an unwilling care giver. He is probably able to ignore the extent of the situation because you deal with it day to day. I would secure the dog in the kitchen with a closed door / baby gate and have easily washable covers on all of the bedding. Keeping an elderly dog outside in the cold when he isn't used to it is not kind and I would tell your partner so. 

In the meantime I'd talk to your partner about quality of life, show the poor old dog as much love as you can muster and make sure you partner knows just how much he is suffering, point out how much it upsets you to see the old boy looking so miserable and upset. Going with them to the vets to steer the conversation subtly is a good option as well. I would be loathed to make the decision myself in your shoes as I wouldn't want the blame for killing his dog, but I would very heavily steer him that direction and let him know that you support him.

When it came to it with my mother's old pony and she buried her head in the sand, I made the appointment with the vet myself and told her to cancel it if she didn't agree with me. The vet came, the pony was PTS whilst he still had his dignity and mum admitted it was a great weight of her mind. She just wasn't able to make the call herself.


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## ihatework (25 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			I don’t want to be overly hard on him because he really does love the dog but is currently making poor decisions and we’ve all done that because of love! Although usually the one that suffers is ourselves..
I’m going to mention the kennel again later, but he’s ordered it already!
He once said he would let the dog go only when he couldn’t walk anymore. Then he backtracked and said he wouldn’t let it go that far but I think that’s where this is headed!
		
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I would honestly just print this thread off and leave it for him.


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## ester (25 September 2020)

If he's staying/he won't PTS he needs to seriously consider treating the cushings in the meantime rather than ignoring it/seeing it all as a continence issue. It's like he's not commiting to either option atm (PTS, or treat all the issues)

(OP you might not know but Aru is one of our resident vets)


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

NinjaPony said:



			I just also want to say OP that I feel for you. Whether or not you like dogs in general, you seem to have the dogs best interests at heart, and have accepted what his owner can't; that the best thing for the dog right now would be to be PTS. I don't think your partner is behaving kindly and considerately to either you or the dog.
		
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Thank you and I genuinely do have his best interests at heart. Also while I might not be kissing and cuddling him, it is me that during the week takes care of his needs- food, shelter, water etc. Me who walked him during lockdown when dog walkers weren’t allowed. Me who picks up medication from the vet. I think these things are far more important than belly rubs.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

ester said:



			If he's staying/he won't PTS he needs to seriously consider treating the cushings in the meantime rather than ignoring it/seeing it all as a continence issue. It's like he's not commiting to either option atm (PTS, or treat all the issues)

(OP you might not know but Aru is one of our resident vets)
		
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I didn’t know this. Yes he’s got an appointment booked next weekend to discuss options but has been told he will need a biopsy first to determined where the tumour is.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

ihatework said:



			I would honestly just print this thread off and leave it for him.
		
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Trust me, I’d be looking for somewhere to to sleep tonight!


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## WandaMare (25 September 2020)

OP another suggestion....do you have a good friend who could talk to your OH and explain why he's asking too much of you...and also not doing the right thing by the dog? I really think if you could widen the conversation to involve other people it might make him look at the situation more objectively. Is there anyone he would listen to....maybe another bloke would be a good option.


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## ihatework (25 September 2020)

GinaGeo said:



			When it came to it with my mother's old pony and she buried her head in the sand, I made the appointment with the vet myself and told her to cancel it if she didn't agree with me. The vet came, the pony was PTS whilst he still had his dignity and mum admitted it was a great weight of her mind. She just wasn't able to make the call herself.
		
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Ive seen this used before very effectively with a horse.

Experienced horse/animal owners that own a private yard. Horse that really had been needing to be PTS but was one of those that had that extra emotional attachment that despite making the PTS comments, owners couldn’t bring themselves to act.

It got a bit worse and groom booked it in for next week. Told them date & time and who to call if they wanted to cancel. They didn’t.


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## cobgoblin (25 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			God no, just in case!
he knows he’s not in the position to get another dog. He’s been promoted twice over the last 12 years and is now in a really senior position and he works long hours. I don’t want to look after a dog, and anyway in normal times I travel overnight 2-3 times a month for work so it’s just not realistic.
		
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So you are not so sure he doesn't want another dog. 
He could always use a dog sitting service...it would seem he managed beforehand. 
What would you do if he came home with another dog? 
.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

cobgoblin said:



			So you are not so sure he doesn't want another dog.
He could always use a dog sitting service...it would seem he managed beforehand.
What would you do if he came home with another dog?
.
		
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LEAVE!


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			LEAVE!
		
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I don’t think he would ever do that. It would be utterly irresponsible. But if he did then 100% I’d be gone. Decisions that effect both of us we make together. This one being the exception because it’s his dog who was here before I came along.


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## PapaverFollis (25 September 2020)

I think it sounds like you are being very caring towards the dog under very difficult circumstances.  Your partner is being very unfair to both of you.  I don't know what the answer is but "being stonewalled" when difficult subjects need to be discussed is not something I would want in a relationship myself.


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## honetpot (25 September 2020)

Perhaps I am just a grumpy old women, but I have seen too many friends and family manipulated in to situations not of their choosing, because of something the partner didn't or did not want to do. The worst one's were, they couldn't adopt a baby, buy a house, get a job, because, for reasons that magically disappeared when something or someone else came along, then it's OK when it suits them.


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## cobgoblin (25 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			I don’t think he would ever do that. It would be utterly irresponsible. But if he did then 100% I’d be gone. Decisions that effect both of us we make together. This one being the exception because it’s his dog who was here before I came along.
		
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But actually it seems that where dogs are concerned (which he loves) you want to be the one that makes the decisions by offering an ultimatum. 
.


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## Carlosmum (25 September 2020)

He sounds a little like my OH.  We had a terrier who was elderly and had a few issues, incontinence being one of them.  Now I didn't mind too much after all the dog was happy and eating well.  However she began to attempt to wee and nothing was happening, OH finally took her to the vet and she was scanned.  They found a tumour on her bladder/urethra.  She didn't come home again.  I suspect we should have PTS a month or 2 earlier but trying to get him to take her was tricky.  OP I think you need to get the vet on side, your OH must be told that the dog has had its time.


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## misst (25 September 2020)

I am sorry for your position but more sorry for the dog. I know how hard it was to call time on my girl last year - people on here were very supportive at the time. My old rescue dog also was pts and she had arthritis in her back end (lab x staffie type of dog) which led to incontinence - after a quick vet check we decided not to do any invasive tests and give her pain relief which helped for a couple of weeks then we were back to square one over a weekend which ended up with her off her legs. She was PTS that afternoon by the emergency vet who was great. 
I would not like to keep a constantly incontinent dog as most will be upset. If they are not upset it may be because they are unaware due to dementia. Whatever the the reason a previously clean dog does not do this with no serious cause. I sympathise but I could not live in your situation. 
He is an adult with responsiblity for this dog and if he can't step up what else can he not face in the future. 
You do not sound uncaring except for the kennel which sounds awful and cruel to me. It won't solve anything and the poor boy will be confused and frightened and unhappy through no fault of his own. 
Print this off and leave it lying around and/or leave the situation. 
Don't forget if the dog dies that will not be the end of it. Grief for a dog can last a long time and be a huge emotional rollercoaster - are you, as a non dog lover prepared for this? There may well be guilt and accusations thrown around as well - fairly or not.


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## alibali (25 September 2020)

You could sit down with him and use this quality of life indicator to assess objectively how good the dogs life is. It takes the emotion out of decision making as each individual factor is taken individually and considered before the scores are added up to give an overall quality of life. Or just use it yourself to clarify to yourself just how bad or otherwise things are.
https://journeyspet.com/pet-quality-of-life-scale-calculator/

I hope you are able to find a good resolution for all three of you.


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## CorvusCorax (25 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			When he got the dog 12.5 years ago he was married and worked locally. His ex worked part time. After she moved out he had a lodger who worked nights and in return for reduced rent he looked after the dog in day time. Plus he has a dog walker. The dog was always very clean and house trained until a year ago. 
I don’t want it to seem like the dog isn’t well cared for, he is. Overly pampered IMHO!
		
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Honestly? He sounds like a part time dog owner, he gets all the good bits and someone else deals with the hard parts. I thought when you started the thread this was going to be the beloved childhood pet of a man in his 20s, which says a lot as well about how you've described him, ho hum.
He's doing a seagull parenting job here - flying in, shitting all over the place and then flying off again.


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## misst (25 September 2020)

alibali said:



			You could sit down with him and use this quality of life indicator to assess objectively how good the dogs life is. It takes the emotion out of decision making as each individual factor is taken individually and considered before the scores are added up to give an overall quality of life. Or just use it yourself to clarify to yourself just how bad or otherwise things are.
https://journeyspet.com/pet-quality-of-life-scale-calculator/

I hope you are able to find a good resolution for all three of you.
		
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This is very helpful. People on here sent me some links and I used one for my old dementia dog and it helped me see her downward progress objectively. It helped my husband too. It is worth doing it regularly if your partner doesn't agree first time and he might see the deterioration.


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## misst (25 September 2020)

The other thing I just thought was does the dog represent some ties to the past? My son was very reluctant to face facts with his teenage terrier. She was aquired with his "first love" as "their dog" and even 12 years after they split (and a failed marriage with someone else!!) I still believe she was an emotional tie to that person in some way. It was truely the end of an era for him and a very emotional time. He is happy with someone else entirely now but I do think some of the denial was a holding on to the past, his new partner could see this and knew it was no reflection on her - more of a permenant closing of a door on the past. She was able to be a good support for him through this.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

cobgoblin said:



			But actually it seems that where dogs are concerned (which he loves) you want to be the one that makes the decisions by offering an ultimatum.
.
		
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No you are wrong here. We’ve  agreed that down the line we will have another dog that suits both of us and also our life at the point. Isn’t that fair? If he didn’t already have a dog he would never get one now because his work life doesn’t suit having one. His words not mine. I haven’t issued any ultimatum.


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## CorvusCorax (25 September 2020)

Dogs can be a big tie. The years I've had without any (and even then, there were still family dogs) were a bit dull and empty for me personally and I hate not having one around, I have split from people who resented the time I spent with/on my own dogs, but I wouldn't judge anyone who wanted a few dog-free years. It doesn't mean you don't love dogs.


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## {97702} (25 September 2020)

CorvusCorax said:



			I wouldn't judge anyone who wanted a few dog-free years. It doesn't mean you don't love dogs.
		
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I would... it does IMO 😂😂😂 But then I’m a speshul case 🤣


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## JGC (25 September 2020)

I agree about the quality of life calculator, plus if you do an image search for "signs of pain in dogs" you get some useful graphics and checklists that you could print off and go through together. It seems like his dog would put a tick against most of the lists.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

CorvusCorax said:



			Dogs can be a big tie. The years I've had without any (and even then, there were still family dogs) were a bit dull and empty for me personally and I hate not having one around, I have split from people who resented the time I spent with/on my own dogs, but I wouldn't judge anyone who wanted a few dog-free years. It doesn't mean you don't love dogs.
		
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I understand that. My best friend Is the same! She had a dog that passed and she said no more and then got 2! 
However our life really doesn’t suit a dog anymore. We both work away from home a lot (not me currently but hopefully soon)! We love to travel and take spontaneous trips. We plan to buy a little apartment abroad and fix it up and spend weekends and holidays there and so having pet just doesn’t work for the future. But I’m not naive I know he might change his mind and I’ll have to cross that bridge of it happens.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

Thanks for all your replies and suggestions. Will definitely do the quality of life calculator and signs of pain. He doesn’t moan like he’s in pain but he doesn’t do anything, just sleeps. I suppose he wouldn’t sleep if if was in tons of pain.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

misst said:



			The other thing I just thought was does the dog represent some ties to the past? My son was very reluctant to face facts with his teenage terrier. She was aquired with his "first love" as "their dog" and even 12 years after they split (and a failed marriage with someone else!!) I still believe she was an emotional tie to that person in some way. It was truely the end of an era for him and a very emotional time. He is happy with someone else entirely now but I do think some of the denial was a holding on to the past, his new partner could see this and knew it was no reflection on her - more of a permenant closing of a door on the past. She was able to be a good support for him through this.
		
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I don’t think so. He left his ex. I think he just loves the dog and didn’t have kids so all his love has gone to him.


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## cobgoblin (25 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			No you are wrong here. We’ve  agreed that down the line we will have another dog that suits both of us and also our life at the point. Isn’t that fair? If he didn’t already have a dog he would never get one now because his work life doesn’t suit having one. His words not mine. I haven’t issued any ultimatum.
		
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You just said that if he came home with a dog you would leave. You didn't say anything to mitigate that, not even that your relationship is the most important thing and that you would try to make it work with the dog. I get the feeling that it will never be convenient for you to have a dog even in the future. 
People that love animals definitely do sometimes come home with an unexpected addition, often at the most inconvenient time and despite previous agreements. 
.


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## gallopingby (25 September 2020)

I think there’s more to this than you’re admitting. Once a dog person always a dog person and even though you think you have control of the situation l wonder if you do? Ten years is a long time without a dog, sorry but in your situation l would be very careful and I would want to be very clear about future plans, you need to look after yourself.


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## {97702} (25 September 2020)

I do remember my ex saying I loved my dogs (which were there before he came along) more than I loved him.... so I said “yes I do” because that was factually correct.  He either had to accept that or leave - he accepted it.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

cobgoblin said:



			You just said that if he came home with a dog you would leave. You didn't say anything to mitigate that, not even that your relationship is the most important thing and that you would try to make it work with the dog. I get the feeling that it will never be convenient for you to have a dog even in the future.
People that love animals definitely do sometimes come home with an unexpected addition, often at the most inconvenient time and despite previous agreements.
.
		
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I may not be experienced in relationships with animal lovers but I’ve had 2 long relationships and as far as I am concerned these sort of decisions are made together. I wouldn’t for instance book 2 weeks in Barbados (if only), and pay from our joint account without discussing it and that’s just a 2 week holiday. So him coming home with a Dog to be cared for for the next 12 or so years would be out of order. I know he wouldn’t it do it, and also even if he wanted to he knows because of work he couldn’t do it. 
I know lots of animal lovers that for various reasons don’t have a pets. It’s possible to love animals but know they don’t necessarily fit in to your current situation. However I fully expect us to have a dog again one day and that’s fine.


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## Rowreach (25 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			I may not be experienced in relationships with animal lovers but I’ve had 2 long relationships and as far as I am concerned these sort of decisions are made together. I wouldn’t for instance book 2 weeks in Barbados (if only), and pay from our joint account without discussing it and that’s just a 2 week holiday. So him coming home with a Dog to be cared for for the next 12 or so years would be out of order. I know he wouldn’t it do it, and also even if he wanted to he knows because of work he couldn’t do it.
I know lots of animal lovers that for various reasons don’t have a pets. It’s possible to love animals but know they don’t necessarily fit in to your current situation. However I fully expect us to have a dog again one day and that’s fine.
		
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I think some people are giving you an unnecessarily hard time here. You were completely upfront about not being a dog lover, yet you are the one being concerned about this dog’s (pretty awful) quality of life, unlike his owner who seems to be unable to accept that his time is nearly up.

I will repeat though, I don’t think your partner is being fair on either of you, and for that combined reason you need to address this with him. Honestly, if your relationship can’t stand that, is it strong enough to be building a future together?


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## gallopingby (25 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			I may not be experienced in relationships with animal lovers but I’ve had 2 long relationships and as far as I am concerned these sort of decisions are made together. I wouldn’t for instance book 2 weeks in Barbados (if only), and pay from our joint account without discussing it and that’s just a 2 week holiday. So him coming home with a Dog to be cared for for the next 12 or so years would be out of order. I know he wouldn’t it do it, and also even if he wanted to he knows because of work he couldn’t do it.
I know lots of animal lovers that for various reasons don’t have a pets. It’s possible to love animals but know they don’t necessarily fit in to your current situation. However I fully expect us to have a dog again one day and that’s fine.
		
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Hmmm do you own any animals?


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## Amymay (25 September 2020)

gallopingby said:



			Hmmm do you own any animals?
		
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Why on earth are you giving this woman a hard time?  She’s trying to do the best for this dog.  Whether she owns an animal/had owned an animal/wants to own an animal is completely immaterial. 😳🤔😉


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## Rowreach (25 September 2020)

gallopingby said:



			Hmmm do you own any animals?
		
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What on earth relevance does that have??


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## {97702} (25 September 2020)

Amymay said:



			Why on earth are you giving this woman a hard time?  She’s trying to do the best for this dog.  Whether she owns an animal/had owned an animal/wants to own an animal is completely immaterial. 😳🤔😉
		
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I think other posters are picking up the same vibes as me, which is that the OP is pretty anti-dog.  This isn’t the issue with the present dog, which clearly needs some immediate treatment and the owner to take responsibility, if other posters are anything like me they are wondering about the long term viability of a relationship between someone who is clearly a (rather misguided) dog lover and someone who isn’t.

I fully accept that is none of our business and not what the OP has apparently come on the forum to discuss, but as a forum of dog lovers anyone who is clearly not one is bound to attract some notice?


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## Rowreach (25 September 2020)

I think the OP comes across as pretty level headed, has had the conversation about future shared dog ownership, has a shared life plan with her partner, and is here today to discuss an immediate problem about a clearly suffering dog that she seems more concerned about than his owner does.

I'm not overly concerned about a dog that doesn't exist (it's parents probably don't either) that she may or may not own in 10 years' time.


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## {97702} (25 September 2020)

That is not the view I have gained of how the OP sees the current situation at all.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

Hey, I fully expected to get a hard time, especially announcing myself as not a ‘dog person’! I wanted to be honest about that because I think it’s relevant to our current situation. If I was a dog person would I be better equipped to handle this and would I agree that we should do everything to keep him alive despite all the issues. 
i appreciate people taking the time to respond and also I also agree that we need to be clear about future animals but we have discussed this extensively and I have to trust in our commitment to that xx


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## ihatework (25 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			I agree that we should do everything to keep him alive despite all the issues xx
		
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No, No, No
Real animal lovers wouldn’t keep him alive at this point


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## {97702} (25 September 2020)

ihatework said:



			No, No, No
Real animal lovers wouldn’t keep him alive at this point
		
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Amen to that..... 😔


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## CorvusCorax (25 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			would I agree that we should do everything to keep him alive despite all the issues.
		
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Hard disagree. No dog of mine will ever be around when they can no longer clean themselves or get up without help.


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## PapaverFollis (25 September 2020)

I'm very much a dog person.

There's no way I'd be happy cleaning poop and pee from the house constantly. 

There's no way I would be letting a doubly incontinent dog keep fighting on in the hopes he would die in his sleep.


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## Clodagh (25 September 2020)

deleted


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## Cinnamontoast (25 September 2020)

Can’t lie, I started to resent my dog, substitute child that he was, when I was constantly picking up poo and mopping up wee in the house. I think I probably let him go a few weeks too long, because honestly, how can you take your ‘child’ to the vet knowing he won’t come back? It half killed me and my OH. However, I looked at him on a walk, where he wasn’t able to work out how to go round a bush to get to me and rang the vet.

Please do the quality of life test posted. Show your partner. It’s not fair to keep them going and the idea of the poor creature being shoved in the garden for an hour at any time of the year is cruel. Mine would be devastated, they must be with the humans. It’s cruel to keep the dog going. Tell your partner that, bloody cruel.


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## Pinkvboots (25 September 2020)

I would let him read this thread and tell him he is being quite cruel keeping the dog alive, if that meant the end of the relationship then so be it, dog person or not no one wants to come home to crap and pee all over the floor and watch a poor animal suffer.


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## {97702} (25 September 2020)

A couple of posters have asked why I and other posters are apparently giving the OP a “hard time” so I wanted to go away for a few minutes and properly reflect on that.

It’s because this sort of situation makes me incredibly bloody angry.  It is NOT the fault of the poor dog that he is incontinent and unclean in the house now.  The dog does not deserve (a) a life like this from an owner who won’t face up to his responsibilities and (b) being described as (words to the effect of) a smelly horrible inconvenience by someone who clearly cares nothing for him.  

Yes (b) is my fluffy anthropomorphic side coming out, but the dog WILL know he is not liked/considered a nuisance/resented in the house and that is NOT fair - it has been his house for many years, should he be thrown out now because he is inconvenient? 

Do the right thing for this poor dog ASAP and do not ever get another one


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## Clodagh (25 September 2020)

Levrier said:



			A couple of posters have asked why I and other posters are apparently giving the OP a “hard time” so I wanted to go away for a few minutes and properly reflect on that.

It’s because this sort of situation makes me incredibly bloody angry.  It is NOT the fault of the poor dog that he is incontinent and unclean in the house now.  The dog does not deserve (a) a life like this from an owner who won’t face up to his responsibilities and (b) being described as (words to the effect of) a smelly horrible inconvenience by someone who clearly cares nothing for him.  

Yes (b) is my fluffy anthropomorphic side coming out, but the dog WILL know he is not liked/considered a nuisance/resented in the house and that is NOT fair - it has been his house for many years, should he be thrown out now because he is inconvenient? 

Do the right thing for this poor dog ASAP and do not ever get another one
		
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It’s not all about you.


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## Rowreach (25 September 2020)

Levrier said:



			A couple of posters have asked why I and other posters are apparently giving the OP a “hard time” so I wanted to go away for a few minutes and properly reflect on that.

It’s because this sort of situation makes me incredibly bloody angry.  It is NOT the fault of the poor dog that he is incontinent and unclean in the house now.  The dog does not deserve (a) a life like this from an owner who won’t face up to his responsibilities and (b) being described as (words to the effect of) a smelly horrible inconvenience by someone who clearly cares nothing for him. 

Yes (b) is my fluffy anthropomorphic side coming out, but the dog WILL know he is not liked/considered a nuisance/resented in the house and that is NOT fair - it has been his house for many years, should he be thrown out now because he is inconvenient?

Do the right thing for this poor dog ASAP and do not ever get another one
		
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Lev, you may have missed the OP's recent post:



Houndnothorse said:



			Hey, I fully expected to get a hard time, especially announcing myself as not a ‘dog person’! I wanted to be honest about that because *I think it’s relevant to our current situation. If I was a dog person would I be better equipped to handle this and would I agree that we should do everything to keep him alive despite all the issues.*
i appreciate people taking the time to respond and also I also agree that we need to be clear about future animals but we have discussed this extensively and I have to trust in our commitment to that xx
		
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I think she knows that as a non dog lover she may be putting a different perspective on this situation, which is why she has (rather bravely) come on here for advice, about this current and very time critical situation.


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## PapaverFollis (25 September 2020)

I didn't get the read that he was being described as a smelly, horrible inconvenience myself. I just went back and read the first few posts too.  I just read someone who is in a horrible, frustrating situation who doesn't know if it's a normal thing because they have no previous experience of dogs...


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## {97702} (25 September 2020)

Rowreach said:



			Lev, you may have missed the OP's recent post:



I think she knows that as a non dog lover she may be putting a different perspective on this situation, which is why she has (rather bravely) come on here for advice, about this current and very time critical situation.
		
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I did miss this - I was reflecting.  Hopefully the time critical situation will find a resolution....


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## DiNozzo (25 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			. If I was a dog person would I be better equipped to handle this and would I agree that we should do everything to keep him alive despite all the issues[?]
i appreciate people taking the time to respond and also I also agree that we need to be clear about future animals but we have discussed this extensively and I have to trust in our commitment to that xx
		
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I read the first sentence quoted as a question, not a statement...

If you were a dog person you'd probably be better equipped to handle the conversation about PTS the poor dog, but you wouldn't agree to keep him alive despite everything.

You've been brave here, discussing your personal life as honestly (we presume! 😉) as you seem to have.


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## TheresaW (25 September 2020)

I’m not sure how you can say the OP cares nothing for the dog. She came on here and was completely honest asking for help/advice and has had a hard time to be honest. He’s not her dog to just go and do what we all know needs to be done.

My OH is much more a cat person than a dog person. At one point we had 5 cats, are now down to just one. The right thing was done by the other 4 at the right time. The one we have left is an old man, and his time is coming. I know OH will find it incredibly hard as we will be unlikely to have another cat for a long time because of Luna, unless a completely dog savvy cat should come along.


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## CorvusCorax (25 September 2020)

OP...apologies, I take for granted that people who aren't dog people (and some people who are ) don't realise that a dog that has previously been clean in the house can find it extremely distressing when they're not. Also a previously active dog will not be able to understand why they can't get up and move around the way they used to, particularly a large, weightbearing breed.

Dogs in pain/stress will often sleep the clock round. It's a form of shutdown. There's literally nothing else for them to comfortably do.

I don't know if or how you can explain this to your OH. Especially as he's not the one cleaning up.


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## ester (25 September 2020)

It's also not really the OP's fault that her OH won't make the decision to PTS so that the dog isn't in this situation any more.


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## {97702} (25 September 2020)

ester said:



			It's also not really the OP's fault that her OH won't make the decision to PTS so that the dog isn't in this situation any more.
		
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Who said it was? I didn’t 🙄


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## DiNozzo (25 September 2020)

Levrier said:



			Who said it was? I didn’t 🙄
		
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Why would you think Ester was talking to you?


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## {97702} (25 September 2020)

DiNozzo said:



			Why would you think Ester was talking to you?
		
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Errrm - because the last few posts have been in response to mine? Just a guess.... 🙄


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## Archangel (25 September 2020)

One has to ask what the hell the vet is playing at, there are enough red flags for that quality of life talk with the owner and well past the "well we could try this treatment, here we go, let us know how you get on" faffing about.


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## Pearlsasinger (25 September 2020)

[


Archangel said:



			One has to ask what the hell the vet is playing at, there are enough red flags for that quality of life talk with the owner and well past the "well we could try this treatment, here we go, let us know how you get on" faffing about.
		
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But we don't know what the owner has said to the vet.  The vet might have talked about quality of life and owner just asked if there is anything else that can be done.  I did wonder if the talk about a biopsy for the Cushings could be the vet trying to be off-putting.


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## DiNozzo (25 September 2020)

Levrier said:



			Errrm - because the last few posts have been in response to mine? Just a guess.... 🙄
		
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I didn't read them like that... Mine certainly wasn't, and CC's seemed a general response.


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## Houndnothorse (25 September 2020)

gallopingby said:



			I think there’s more to this than you’re admitting. Once a dog person always a dog person and even though you think you have control of the situation l wonder if you do? Ten years is a long time without a dog, sorry but in your situation l would be very careful and I would want to be very clear about future plans, you need to look after yourself.
		
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 Not entirely sure what you mean here? More such as? 
I know lots of people that have had dogs and then either took a long break or just haven’t got another one. The reasons are varied but it happens. They still love dogs but their life circumstances or choices arent right for a pet or they had dogs when their kids were young and now they want to be freer. Anyway I understand what you’re saying and I’ve been very clear and he’s also been clear back- if he’s not being honest we have an issue but I’m going to assume this isn’t the case x


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## SAujla (25 September 2020)

I think OP you've been brave to come on here. I've no experience of this sort of scenario but I'd suggest asking someone else like a close friend or family member to speak more bluntly than maybe you should? If you are force it then you might irrationally get blamed for it. From the sounds of it the vets should really make it clear but they could be seeing a money maker so won't say anything to suggest that


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## Crazy_cat_lady (25 September 2020)

Im not a dog person either so can understand how you feel. I do however agree the dog is suffering and its "time."

Has he had animals pts before? Just wondering as met my OH when he was in his early 20's and he had never had it happen before so it hit him hard when his parents had to have one of their cats put down.

I've grown up with various animals rabbits/ guineas/ cats so since i was a child ive experienced the loss of pets.

For each and everyone ive shed many tears obviously some more than others (a very very special cat 2 years ago was particularly hard) However it has helped me as ive gotten older understand WHY it needs to happen. So while very upset at losing an animal, I've been able to understand it's putting them out of pain.

Ive never been able to cope with being there when it's done its always been my mum. Now me and OH have our own house and cats I know (hopefully a very long way in the future) at least one of us will have to take them.

Maybe he is hoping the dog dies in its sleep so he doesn't have to make that call?

My mum would always explain to me when having pets pts that "with humans we have to watch them suffer, with animals we can make this decision." I'm actually pro euthanasia for humans and if it becomes legal I would be writing down a list of conditions id want it for

Could you almost treat him like you would a child and say that he can make this decision for the dog but a human would have to keep going. Also because he loves the dog he could give it that last act of kindness

Also could you see if there's someone that could come to the house to do it maybe he's anxious about having to go to the surgery and everyone see him upset i know I'd be interested in them coming to my home? You could offer to phone and make the appointment as well if he would find that easier?


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## ester (26 September 2020)

DiNozzo said:



			Why would you think Ester was talking to you?
		
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Thanks DN, you are correct it certainly wasn't directed at anyone it was just a general observation which is why I didn't quote reply anyone. So no need for the guessing or the multiple eye rolls just yet Lev.


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## {97702} (26 September 2020)

ester said:



			Thanks DN, you are correct it certainly wasn't directed at anyone it was just a general observation which is why I didn't quote reply anyone. So no need for the guessing or the multiple eye rolls just yet Lev.
		
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Well that certainly wasn’t clear to me, so perhaps as you frequently point out to others you need to think about the wording of your posts to make them clearer?

And no need for the bitchy comments either Ester, they are insensitive and unnecessary


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## HashRouge (26 September 2020)

I've had to skip the last five pages so sorry if I'm about to repeat what others have said:

When you discuss it with your OH, do you do it from the "I can't live like this" perspective or do you talk about the dog's quality of life? Because your post focuses on the former and I don't think that will be as effective as the latter. I think you need to sit down with your OH and say you want have a serious conversation about the dog. Maybe say something like "I know how much X (dog) means to you and that you really adore him, but please just think about his quality of life. He's in so much pain and so unhappy - the kindest thing you can do is let him go with as much dignity as possible. However much we want there to be, there is no cure for old age and X is really suffering now". I think what your OH is doing is cruel but I suspect saying that outright won't be very effective.


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## Goldenstar (26 September 2020)

OP
I feel for you .
Please disregard some of the harsher comments .
You sound a kind person who does not quite get why this otherwise intelligent person who you love can’t see what you see .
I am going to try to give you a path that you might follow I would if I where you try not to mention the dog for three weeks grin and do what needs doing .
then sit him down and hold his hands and tell him it’s time that the dog is suffering and he’s saving his own feelings by not facing up to this .
Tell him he you will do whatever it takes to make doing the thing easier for him .
I completely understand that you are not naturally doggy that makes it hard for you you did not hold the wriggly little pup and burrow your nose in his tummy and watch him grow ,the pain when they go tears your soul .
My OH is hopeless at facing it as well its always me that has to deal with the deed and him .
BTW Zoflora pet odour is good I get mine on amazon .
You have my sympathy once this is over you need to examine want you feel about dog ownership ,for me a partner not committed and doggy would be a no no .
Getting another dog sometime in the future would not do for me I would get another partner rather than live with someone who did not totally embrace dog madness .
You need to understand fully his feelings on this but now is not the time .


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## ester (26 September 2020)

Levrier said:



			Well that certainly wasn’t clear to me, so perhaps as you frequently point out to others you need to think about the wording of your posts to make them clearer?

And no need for the bitchy comments either Ester, they are insensitive and unnecessary
		
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I did make it clear that if I was replying to someone I quote reply, particularly if there are lots of comments between mine and theirs, I really can't see how you could have even made that leap when your comment was on the previous page. Other than including 'Lev this isn't in reply to you' I am not sure how I could have worded it clearer but happy to do that going forwards if it helps?

I am always happy for people to ask for clarification, as I do, but I don't appreciate eye rolls with it, that's just a bit rude and it is no way bitchy to point that out.


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## SAujla (26 September 2020)

I think you have to be careful about pushing it to much yourself, I agree you are trying to do the right thing but long term you're making yourself an easy target for blame. It's much better for all 3 involved if he comes to the decision himself but he needs a lot of prompting. If the vets can do it at home that would be better but I doubt with the restrictions in place that's possible. Someone else is in a better position to be blunt and tell him. Try and carry on handling it with as much kindness as you can, you are all in different parts of the same boat


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## Bellaboo18 (26 September 2020)

honetpot said:



			I would take to the vet and have it PTS while he is a work, and tell a fib, it collapsed and needed to be PTS. Pay the vets bill, not the normal vet, then under GDRP you are customer and tell them they are not to discuss it with him, but I would just lie.
An old vet once told me when she did locum work she often PTS a lot of animals as she told people it was OK to let go, and that it was time.
You are going to end up falling out over this eventually, so I would give it the least chance of upset, if he finds out and goes ballistic I would rather ask forgiveness, the dogs needs overrule his.
A lot of men have a real problem-solving mentality, he is trying to solve the problem but not the cause good luck.
		
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Do not do this. He could easily think you had the dog pts because you found it/the cleaning a pain. I cant imagine a relationship coming back from that. 
Also the dog isnt legally yours!


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## Tiddlypom (26 September 2020)

Bellaboo18 said:



			Do not do this. He could easily think you had the dog pts because you found it/the cleaning a pain. I cant imagine a relationship coming back from that.
Also the dog isnt legally yours!
		
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But it would be much the best thing for the dog...


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## Houndnothorse (26 September 2020)

I would


Bellaboo18 said:



			Do not do this. He could easily think you had the dog pts because you found it/the cleaning a pain. I cant imagine a relationship coming back from that.
Also the dog isnt legally yours!
		
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I would never even consider this!


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## Houndnothorse (26 September 2020)

SAujla said:



			I think you have to be careful about pushing it to much yourself, I agree you are trying to do the right thing but long term you're making yourself an easy target for blame. It's much better for all 3 involved if he comes to the decision himself but he needs a lot of prompting. If the vets can do it at home that would be better but I doubt with the restrictions in place that's possible. Someone else is in a better position to be blunt and tell him. Try and carry on handling it with as much kindness as you can, you are all in different parts of the same boat
		
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I agree with you. I don’t want to be blamed for pushing for this. It’s not too soon but as you say we’re all in different parts of the same boat! (I like this saying) x


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## Houndnothorse (26 September 2020)

Tiddlypom said:



			But it would be much the best thing for the dog...
		
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I don’t have the right to do this. I’m surprised anyone would sanction this, remember we’re not married and this his dog not mine.


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## Houndnothorse (26 September 2020)

Goldenstar said:



			OP
I feel for you .
Please disregard some of the harsher comments .
You sound a kind person who does not quite get why this otherwise intelligent person who you love can’t see what you see .
I am going to try to give you a path that you might follow I would if I where you try not to mention the dog for three weeks grin and do what needs doing .
then sit him down and hold his hands and tell him it’s time that the dog is suffering and he’s saving his own feelings by not facing up to this .
Tell him he you will do whatever it takes to make doing the thing easier for him .
I completely understand that you are not naturally doggy that makes it hard for you you did not hold the wriggly little pup and burrow your nose in his tummy and watch him grow ,the pain when they go tears your soul .
My OH is hopeless at facing it as well its always me that has to deal with the deed and him .
BTW Zoflora pet odour is good I get mine on amazon .
You have my sympathy once this is over you need to examine want you feel about dog ownership ,for me a partner not committed and doggy would be a no no .
Getting another dog sometime in the future would not do for me I would get another partner rather than live with someone who did not totally embrace dog madness .
You need to understand fully his feelings on this but now is not the time .
		
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Thanks for your kind message.
I think you’re right about backing off a bit. 
next week he has the vets and I’m going to try to be there too and also his mum is coming for a weekend mid October and she hasn’t seen the dog since Christmas so I know she will say something too.


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## PippiPony (26 September 2020)

Just to say when we had to rush our dog to the emergency vets in August all 3 of us -hubby, son and myself were allowed to be with her whilst the vet assessed the situation and then told us there was very little he could do.  We were with her the whole time and we're able to say our goodbyes.
For general day to day treatment it is just one person, but our vets were fab about us all being there for the goodbye.


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## Pearlsasinger (26 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			I don’t have the right to do this. I’m surprised anyone would sanction this, remember we’re not married and this his dog not mine.
		
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But you are living with the dog and have the responsibility of its daily care.  What will happen on the day when you are the only one at home and the dog can't stand up?  Which i can assure you is extremely likely to happen before very long.  I have to say, that I would be unable to live with someone who cannot/won't take responsibility for his own pets and leaves them to suffer, so I would not be in your position.


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## Tiddlypom (26 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			I don’t have the right to do this. I’m surprised anyone would sanction this, remember we’re not married and this his dog not mine.
		
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I’m not sanctioning it.

I am, however, observing that the best thing for the dog is PTS in the very near future.

I would not sit on my hands in such a case with a ditherer, and I would definitely not wait until mid October where the mother may or may not step in, my conscience would not allow it.


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## Houndnothorse (26 September 2020)

Tiddlypom said:



			I’m not sanctioning it.

I am, however, observing that the best thing for the dog is PTS in the very near future.

I would not sit on my hands in such a case with a ditherer, and I would definitely not wait until mid October where the mother may or may not step in, my conscience would not allow it.
		
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I think it’s easy to say this when you’re not living in the situation. 
As for what will happen if the dog takes a turn for the worst when it’s just me, I don’t know- I’ll call my partner at work tell him to come home, and probably the dog sitter and deal with it as best I can. If I demand the dog is PTS it won’t happen but it will end our relationship & I don’t want that. 
He’s going to the vet next weekend so I hope it gets raised then.


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## WandaMare (26 September 2020)

I would say to him that its really upsetting you seeing the dog suffer ( which it is otherwise you wouldn't be concerned enough to post on here ) and ask him to help you resolve it. I do feel for him making the difficult decision but its also important for him to show that he cares enough for you to look after your feelings OP. This isn't all about the dog, he needs to care for and empathise with you too. If he can't see this then I think you need to spell it out in surprisingly simple terms, they don't always glean as much as we do.


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## Clodagh (26 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			I think it’s easy to say this when you’re not living in the situation.
As for what will happen if the dog takes a turn for the worst when it’s just me, I don’t know- I’ll call my partner at work tell him to come home, and probably the dog sitter and deal with it as best I can. If I demand the dog is PTS it won’t happen but it will end our relationship & I don’t want that.
He’s going to the vet next weekend so I hope it gets raised then.
		
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I think you are doing the best you can and there are often compromises in a relationship.


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## TheresaW (26 September 2020)

I’m not sure why this has turned into a dump the partner, end of relationship post as posts like this so often do? Life is about compromise. 

OH said he didn’t want a dog, we now have 2. He bought me my first horse, but THAT WAS IT. I have 3. I don’t like reptiles, he has 2 snakes.

We all know what is best for the dog in this post, which I think the OP knows, dog/animal lover or not. Down the line, another dog may come along, or it may not, but that is no reflection on their relationship.


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## Pearlsasinger (26 September 2020)

TheresaW said:



			I’m not sure why this has turned into a dump the partner, end of relationship post as posts like this so often do? Life is about compromise.

OH said he didn’t want a dog, we now have 2. He bought me my first horse, but THAT WAS IT. I have 3. I don’t like reptiles, he has 2 snakes.

We all know what is best for the dog in this post, which I think the OP knows, dog/animal lover or not. Down the line, another dog may come along, or it may not, but that is no reflection on their relationship.
		
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I agree but if I were OP, I would be very reluctant to have another dog at any time in the future if this is an example of the care given by her OH.


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## TheresaW (26 September 2020)

Pearlsasinger said:



			I agree but if I were OP, I would be very reluctant to have another dog at any time in the future if this is an example of the care given by her OH.
		
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I do agree with you, but a joint pet in the future, having to deal with what needs doing together now, could lay the way for what’s right in the future?

I had to say goodbye to Mac in 2018. Although I’d done it for many cats, dogs etc in the past, it was really really hard for me. He was the first horse i personally had lost. When we moved up here, I brought my friends pony with me who I’d looked after for years. I found him down with colic, called her, called vet etc. Between the 3 of us we did what had to be done. It hurt, don’t get me wrong, but being not mine maybe made it that little bit easier, and helped when it came time for mac?

Not sure what exactly I’m trying to say here, sorry.


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## rara007 (26 September 2020)

FWIW you don’t need a biopsy to start treating cushings (I’m not sure anyone biopsies the pituitary!) which would at least improve its QOL and urinary incontinence whilst you work out the next step. If he just tells the vet he’s not interested in investigating just treating they should be able to manage that, I think there’s been a bit of a communication misunderstanding as it’d be unusual to do ‘more’ than an ultrasound and more blood tests even if you did want to determine the cause, which doesn’t change treatment. I doubt you’ll keep the dog long enough to see the full improvements but that’s causing the hair loss and Utis. Cushings also increases blood liver enzymes (I’m not sure if it causes liver failure but the blood values rocket, but generally at that point liver is fully functioning still) and generally slackens everything so wont be helping the arthritis.


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## ester (26 September 2020)

OP for info ^^^ also vet.


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## HashRouge (26 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			I think it’s easy to say this when you’re not living in the situation.
As for what will happen if the dog takes a turn for the worst when it’s just me, I don’t know- I’ll call my partner at work tell him to come home, and probably the dog sitter and deal with it as best I can. If I demand the dog is PTS it won’t happen but it will end our relationship & I don’t want that.
He’s going to the vet next weekend so I hope it gets raised then.
		
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Please if the dog does take a turn for the worse when you're on your own, pop him straight into the car and take him to the vet. Call your OH on the way there. I'm not advocating having the dog PTS without telling your OH by the way, but he is suffering as it is, if he gets any worse he needs to go straight to the vet where they can assess him and advise on the way forward.

I really do think you need to have a serious chat with your OH sooner rather than later btw. When exactly is his mother coming to visit? I'm hoping it's soon as it is October on Wednesday. Do you know her well enough to perhaps call her and speak to her about the dog before the visit? If it's not early October then you can't delay any more and you must talk to your OH seriously about this. Remember, don't be accusatory as it won't help - be gentle and sympathetic, but emphasise how much the dog is suffering.

I feel so sorry for this poor animal


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## Houndnothorse (27 September 2020)

rara007 said:



			FWIW you don’t need a biopsy to start treating cushings (I’m not sure anyone biopsies the pituitary!) which would at least improve its QOL and urinary incontinence whilst you work out the next step. If he just tells the vet he’s not interested in investigating just treating they should be able to manage that, I think there’s been a bit of a communication misunderstanding as it’d be unusual to do ‘more’ than an ultrasound and more blood tests even if you did want to determine the cause, which doesn’t change treatment. I doubt you’ll keep the dog long enough to see the full improvements but that’s causing the hair loss and Utis. Cushings also increases blood liver enzymes (I’m not sure if it causes liver failure but the blood values rocket, but generally at that point liver is fully functioning still) and generally slackens everything so wont be helping the arthritis.
		
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Hi thanks for the advice. I’m only going by what he’s told me as I wasn’t present at the vets. He did mention an ultrasound. If I’m able to go along to the vets I will say that considering the treatment is the same can we treat rather than put the dog through invasive diagnostics. I know the diagnostics are £450 ish (this isn’t the issue), just quoting this as it might give an idea of what’s involved.


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## Houndnothorse (27 September 2020)

HashRouge said:



			Please if the dog does take a turn for the worse when you're on your own, pop him straight into the car and take him to the vet. Call your OH on the way there. I'm not advocating having the dog PTS without telling your OH by the way, but he is suffering as it is, if he gets any worse he needs to go straight to the vet where they can assess him and advise on the way forward.

I really do think you need to have a serious chat with your OH sooner rather than later btw. When exactly is his mother coming to visit? I'm hoping it's soon as it is October on Wednesday. Do you know her well enough to perhaps call her and speak to her about the dog before the visit? If it's not early October then you can't delay any more and you must talk to your OH seriously about this. Remember, don't be accusatory as it won't help - be gentle and sympathetic, but emphasise how much the dog is suffering.

I feel so sorry for this poor animal 

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 his mum is coming on the 17th. I can’t really speak to her before, she’s got no filter so she will tell him that I called her and he will feel betrayed. 
she will say something though, she’s tried before and she won’t be Worried about upsetting him! 
If the dog takes a turn for the worse I will follow the advice of the vet of course. If that is to bring him in, I will. Although I have no idea how as he weigh a ton and I am tiny!


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## Houndnothorse (27 September 2020)

I did the quality of life test. The score was 32 ( if you could score lower than 5 but not 1 he would’ve had a lot of these but I had to go with 5 on lots where he’s definitely less than this but 1 yet).
32 isn’t great but it’s perhaps better than I thought and still some QOL? I guess the point is to not get to all 1s?


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## windand rain (27 September 2020)

You can score from one to 10 the numbers given are for guidance, Pretty pleased that willow scored 69 as she does look old now


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## meleeka (27 September 2020)

My mums dog had Cushings and all he had to diagnose was a blood test.  His life was transformed by medication.   Untreated Cushings will undoubtedly be making him feel worse than he needs to.


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## Houndnothorse (27 September 2020)

windand rain said:



			You can score from one to 10 the numbers given are for guidance, Pretty pleased that willow scored 69 as she does look old now
		
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Oh! Ok well it would be lower then. Thanks


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## Houndnothorse (27 September 2020)

I did the QOL test again, 29. At what point is it too low?


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## Houndnothorse (27 September 2020)

meleeka said:



			My mums dog had Cushings and all he had to diagnose was a blood test.  His life was transformed by medication.   Untreated Cushings will undoubtedly be making him feel worse than he needs to.[/QUOTE


needs to.
		
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He’s had a blood test. I wonder if the vets are advising against further, I don’t know! Perhaps as someone said they’re trying to put him off with the prohibitive costs but this won’t put him off. Anyway vets on Saturday so we will see then x


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## Bellasophia (27 September 2020)

Good luck.!


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## Firefly9410 (27 September 2020)

ihatework said:



			I would honestly just print this thread off and leave it for him.
		
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Houndnothorse said:



			Trust me, I’d be looking for somewhere to to sleep tonight!
		
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So does that not tell you all you need to know about the type of person he is? Treating you and the dog badly. With all this drama have you thought about how you have sold your house but have not bought another yet and property prices rise all the time? Ok for your partner he still has a house... Agree with the poster who said you are in denial too. Will not suggest another dog just in case? Suggest it and find out where you stand, surely it is better to know? 

Separately to anyone saying shut dog in kitchen seriously why are people so grim? This is where you store prepare and possibly eat food. Rules for human toilet is two doors between toilet and kitchen. Two doors. For humans waste that is flushed. But dog toilet all over the kitchen floor is fine? Ok then...


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## Houndnothorse (27 September 2020)

Firefly9410 said:



			So does that not tell you all you need to know about the type of person he is? Treating you and the dog badly. With all this drama have you thought about how you have sold your house but have not bought another yet and property prices rise all the time? Ok for your partner he still has a house... Agree with the poster who said you are in denial too. Will not suggest another dog just in case? Suggest it and find out where you stand, surely it is better to know?

I know this is well meaning, but our whole relationship isn’t really part of this conversation. it’s fair to say this is putting it under a lot of strain and if it’s not resolved soon I will probably move out, but I really hope it doesn’t come to that. 
my partner is a good man, who loves this dog unconditionally but is blinded by this and thus not accepting what’s staring him in the face. 
Not moving is super frustrating & especially as I don’t feel like this my ‘home’ despite having most of my furniture in situ. But it’s my decision to delay things as I don’t want to move while we have this issue with the dog. However I did make it clear last night that I, 100%, want to be in a new home by next summer. 
As for suggesting another dog, we’ve talked about this quite extensively and so I don’t see what the point in going back over it is? As an adult this is the first dog he’s had, he grew up always having a dog, after uni he travelled, then went back to uni, then lived in a flat and worked lots and travelled so he’s lived many adult years without a dog. He’s said to me that if he didn’t have a dog now he would never get one in his current work/life situation- he recognises his situation 12 years ago to now is very different. He has all these plans post dog, our little place in the sun, learning to sail plus other things he’s not had the free time to do- so I don’t think it will be a huge issue. We will, one day, have another dog which we will chose together and I will hopefully love! 

Separately to anyone saying shut dog in kitchen seriously why are people so grim? This is where you store prepare and possibly eat food. Rules for human toilet is two doors between toilet and kitchen. Two doors. For humans waste that is flushed. But dog toilet all over the kitchen floor is fine? Ok then...
		
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The dog won’t be going in the kitchen. I agree that would gross! I wouldn’t let him in the kitchen even if he didn’t have these issues...  We have a gate on the kitchen and he’s not allowed in there at all. At night he’s in the dinning room which has a crappy wooden floor. He allowed in the lounge if were in there and that’s it. He can’t manage the stairs and because of carpet wouldn’t be allowed upstairs anyway.


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## Bellasophia (27 September 2020)

_Firefly..
“Separately to anyone saying shut dog in kitchen seriously why are people so grim? This is where you store prepare and possibly eat food. Rules for human toilet is two doors between toilet and kitchen. Two doors. For humans waste that is flushed. But dog toilet all over the kitchen floor is fine? Ok then..._“
......
and your post helps this dog ,how?
I was one who suggested a safety gate on the kitchen as opposed to leaving the dog outdoors.
Better to clean a washable floor than a carpeted one ,if this is the best option whilst this particular dog is alive  and having these problems. 
Not grim at all..it is a temporary solution until decisions are made.
I also think this is the dogs time to be taken to end his suffering ,but only the poster and her partner can decide this.
I haven’t seen ANY posts by you,yet you post a very aggressive post advocating couple separation rather than suggesting options for this dog.


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## Stiff Knees (27 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			I did the QOL test again, 29. At what point is it too low?
		
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OP, long term Labrador owner here, Hi, we pts our elderly Lab, Jake, only a few weeks ago, his QOL score on the day we decided pts was 28, only the day before his score would have been mid 40s but then he suddenly fell off a cliff (metaphorically speaking). If we'd left him another day his score would have been much lower than 28, he was deteriorating so quickly. Up until the morning of pts we weren't even considering pts, he was well, he was eating, he was continent, he was happy, but creaky. We made the decision based on an overnight deterioration that we knew he could not pick up from. I do not envy you your situation, I think you're doing your best but your OH is not and owes this dog more than this. My OH loved Jake more than he loves me, I am ok with this, in fact his love for his dogs is one of the things that makes me love him like I do, but he still said goodbye to Jake at exactly the right moment for the dog. Your OH needs to man up and deal with this before the dog suffers any further. Good luck X.


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## Firefly9410 (27 September 2020)

It is obvious that the dog needs to be pts. My post was not designed to help the dog because he is beyond helping except pts which the OP cannot do because he is not her dog. Sorry if you find my post aggressive it is not meant to be. Only trying to help the OP consider all points of the situation, nobody else had picked up on the fact she has taken herself off the property ladder for a man who is currently being unreasonable towards her and his dog. So many people get messed around by partners who said love but acted opposite of that. Even if OP joint owner of the house so partner cannot say my house my rules if you do not like it then leave,  it is bad signs I think that he would say it now which is what OP implies would happen if she challenges him over pts the dog. Also the stone walling whatever that is sounds like ignored or sulking silent treatment it is bad signs. As for the kitchen part I find it disgusting and unhygienic whether temporary or not and I am as entitled to explain my opinion as anyone else on this forum. That you happen to have never seen any of my posts before does not make me guilty of some sort of crime either so maybe you want to look at yourself for aggressive sounding comments too.


Bellasophia said:



_Firefly..
“Separately to anyone saying shut dog in kitchen seriously why are people so grim? This is where you store prepare and possibly eat food. Rules for human toilet is two doors between toilet and kitchen. Two doors. For humans waste that is flushed. But dog toilet all over the kitchen floor is fine? Ok then..._“
......
and your post helps this dog ,how?
I was one who suggested a safety gate on the kitchen as opposed to leaving the dog outdoors.
Better to clean a washable floor than a carpeted one ,if this is the best option whilst this particular dog is alive  and having these problems.
Not grim at all..it is a temporary solution until decisions are made.
I also think this is the dogs time to be taken to end his suffering ,but only the poster and her partner can decide this.
I haven’t seen ANY posts by you,yet you post a very aggressive post advocating couple separation rather than suggesting options for this dog.
		
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## Houndnothorse (27 September 2020)

Firefly, I appreciate all comments and I know people are trying to help and it’s actually nice that complete strangers are concerned for me as well as the dog. However, I’ve been around the block and I do know he’s fundamentally a good one- he’s not perfect of course but not am I! (Almost but not quite 🙄😉) x


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## Houndnothorse (27 September 2020)

Hi


Stiff Knees said:



			OP, long term Labrador owner here, Hi, we pts our elderly Lab, Jake, only a few weeks ago, his QOL score on the day we decided pts was 28, only the day before his score would have been mid 40s but then he suddenly fell off a cliff (metaphorically speaking). If we'd left him another day his score would have been much lower than 28, he was deteriorating so quickly. Up until the morning of pts we weren't even considering pts, he was well, he was eating, he was continent, he was happy, but creaky. We made the decision based on an overnight deterioration that we knew he could not pick up from. I do not envy you your situation, I think you're doing your best but your OH is not and owes this dog more than this. My OH loved Jake more than he loves me, I am ok with this, in fact his love for his dogs is one of the things that makes me love him like I do, but he still said goodbye to Jake at exactly the right moment for the dog. Your OH needs to man up and deal with this before the dog suffers any further. Good luck X.
		
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I’m sorry for your loss. Ok 28 when I scored 29 is concerning. I somehow need to get him to take the test himself but as it’s called a euthanasia test it’s not the easiest! I’m praying the vet will speak up! x


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## Bellasophia (27 September 2020)

F fly. You are right I’ve not even looked at the post from the property ladder options,or even their relationship..just from the dog’s situation and how to help him.
..perhaps you meant the situation was grim..I accept that..
Poop is poop..needs containing and cleaning..never a pleasure,but certainly a thing  not to be ignored..
if you can’t keep the poop in the dog you keep the dog in a contained in a washable area....and in this case the kitchen.
Until this has closure the poor OP is running out of options.


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## Firefly9410 (27 September 2020)

I wonder if anyone has invented dog nappies? No idea if that would be better or worse for the dog.


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## Houndnothorse (27 September 2020)

Firefly9410 said:



			I wonder if anyone has invented dog nappies? No idea if that would be better or worse for the dog.
		
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This would be worse as it would be all over him and then require a bath!


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## Stiff Knees (27 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			Hi

I’m sorry for your loss. Ok 28 when I scored 29 is concerning. I somehow need to get him to take the test himself but as it’s called a euthanasia test it’s not the easiest! I’m praying the vet will speak up! x
		
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I think you need to introduce this as a way to gauge the dogs Quality Of Life, rather than a Euthanasia Test. X


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## Houndnothorse (27 September 2020)

The test is called euthanasia something...


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## Archangel (27 September 2020)

Your OH wouldn't be able to keep this behind closed doors if it wasn't for you working from home and being there for the dog. 

If you weren't there a dog walker would have to come in every day and face the diarrhea.  They wouldn't have a personal relationship to consider, they would say something or say "I'm out of here".   He would pretty soon run out of dog walkers.


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## Houndnothorse (27 September 2020)

Archangel said:



			Your OH wouldn't be able to keep this behind closed doors if it wasn't for you working from home and being there for the dog.

If you weren't there a dog walker would have to come in every day and face the diarrhea.  They wouldn't have a personal relationship to consider, they would say something or say "I'm out of here".   He would pretty soon run out of dog walkers.
		
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Well funny you should say that because after next week I plan to go and work at my mums 2 days a week. Just to break the week up and stare at my computer in a different space! Plus, of course time with my mum. However, the main reason  is we will both be out all day and he will then need to face the consequences of that. To be fair the worse time is first thing in the morning and he always deals with that before leaving for work, but then I have to disinfect and clean up any other messes from the day and I won’t be around to do so.


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## Pearlsasinger (27 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			Well funny you should say that because after next week I plan to go and work at my mums 2 days a week. Just to break the week up and stare at my computer in a different space! Plus, of course time with my mum. However, the main reason  is we will both be out all day and he will then need to face the consequences of that. To be fair the worse time is first thing in the morning and he always deals with that before leaving for work, but then I have to disinfect and clean up any other messes from the day and I won’t be around to do so.
		
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That sounds like the best way forward, in fact I'd be tempted to go to mum's on more days.


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## FinnishLapphund (27 September 2020)

Houndnothorse said:



			I did the quality of life test. The score was 32 ( if you could score lower than 5 but not 1 he would’ve had a lot of these but I had to go with 5 on lots where he’s definitely less than this but 1 yet).
32 isn’t great but it’s perhaps better than I thought and still some QOL? I guess the point is to not get to all 1s?
		
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Houndnothorse said:



			I did the QOL test again, 29. At what point is it too low?
		
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I can't tell you what is too low, but to give you something to compare against, I took the test for my Cornish Rex cat Berta, about 14½, who is dying of cancer, and might go downhill tomorrow, or if we're extremely lucky, perhaps not until 2 weeks, or maybe longer than that from now. 

Today she gets a score of 60.


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## rara007 (27 September 2020)

Even if you use the test as a push to get the cushings treatment started as without clearly the dog is compromised that’s a start, and gives him something ‘solid’ to see if that improvement gets the quality of life back to an acceptable level. I wouldn’t be waiting until next weekend for the vet, I’d go in early this week with a decent conversation of how much do we need to improve by in what areas and in what time frame. The vet should be able to give him some idea as to if that is realistic then you can get a short term course if it’s decided as worth a go with a set time point to reassess. IMO that’d be the ideal outcome at this point, but you’re the one that’s got to work out how to get the urgency of the situation across to your OH if you want the relationship to stay intact!


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## PapaverFollis (27 September 2020)

I would seriously consider whether your mum could "need you to stay" for a week to help her out with something.   I just think he maybe needs to be left alone with the dog.  You being there is allowing him to bury his head in the sand.  My only concern with that approach is the dog being left alone during the day and potentially going downhill with no-one around. 😥

Oh it's just very sad.


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## rara007 (3 October 2020)

Any updates yet?


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## Houndnothorse (4 October 2020)

Hi
Sorry couldn’t really update yesterday. 
I wasn’t allowed to vets, only 1 person allowed which is fair enough. 
not much to say really, vets are going to prescribe something for cushings and review in a month. If they mentioned end of life, he hasn’t said anything about it to me. 
To be be fair in the last few days the dog has got a second wind and is eating properly. He’s still sleeping all day and obviously still going to the loo in the house but he’s definitely perkier... 


rara007 said:



			Any updates yet?
		
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## Bellasophia (4 October 2020)

Many a dog rallies ,then crashes,then rallies again in the last span of its illness...so this is still a good time to get your companion to do the right thing by his dog sooner rather than later..

The saying ..
“better a day too soon than a day too late ..“
was meant for this scenario.


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## Clodagh (4 October 2020)

Thank you for the update. Hopefully the Cushing meds will help.


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## ester (4 October 2020)

The cushings meds seem like an excellent plan so that you can really see how the dog is/can be with treatment.


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