# Anyone stayed in close touch with previous owner while being inexperienced themselves? How did it work out for you?



## bonnysmum (24 September 2021)

For me, I have my horse on the same livery yard as the person who used to own her. I'm struggling at the moment feeling like I'm being judged all the time and found wanting, and feeling unable to try different things. I've kept her in the same place and a similar routine and intended to do so for at least the first few months to help ease her into having a new owner, but aspects of her previous care make me worried and there are things I'd like to change up a bit. That's been firmly knocked back by the YO who is quite close to the previous owner, and I'm left feeling like a naughty schoolgirl.

I'm not looking for advice on the present situation really, I've had plenty of that and I have my own thoughts on the way forward. I'm interested to know if anyone is in a similar position and how it's working out for you (or how did it work out in the end?)


----------



## MuddyMonster (24 September 2021)

I really don't think I would want to keep a horse at the same yard as the previous owner  - not for the first few years at all - and particularly not if the YO is good friends with her. 

Ultimately, you do own her now though and not the old owner. 

Is she on DIY or part/full livery? And what sort of things are you wanting to change? That might help us to understand a bit better.


----------



## paddi22 (24 September 2021)

What an awkward situation. If the old owner had no issues with the horse, and the management worked at that time for the two of them, then I can kind of see why the YO might be reluctant to change. as Muddy said, it really depends on what you want to change?


----------



## bonnysmum (24 September 2021)

Well not definitely anything really, I'm just questioning certain things (type of clip for example) and being told that categorically this is what she needs and that is that. As I am a noob who am I to argue? Like I say I'm more interested here in hearing about how other people have managed a similar situation. She's on grass livery and I'm never quite sure if that's totally DIY or a bit assisted, contract is very vague. It's temporarily working livery as that's what she was on previously, so I suppose that has an impact (and is being thought about very hard!).

Horse does have some issues (as advised by external professionals), but it feels like it's all now being put down to my inexperience rather than anything needing tweaking. Again can't give precise examples because I'm paranoid someone I know is on this forum.


----------



## shortstuff99 (24 September 2021)

It seems to me they think it is still pretty much their horse but they have just found someone to pay them for it (and keep paying)! I would move ASAP.


----------



## bonnysmum (24 September 2021)

shortstuff99 said:



			It seems to me they think it is still pretty much their horse but they have just found someone to pay them for it (and keep paying)! I would move ASAP.
		
Click to expand...

And yet I'm worried about moving precisely because I'm inexperienced and now feel like I can't trust my own judgement. Would another livery yard even want to take on someone that high maintenance who will keep needing advice? One thought I did have is to move her to another yard  on full/assisted livery just to begin with (but living out) so the yard staff can get to know her a bit and then I gradually take over the reins (so to speak) and move back to DIY?


----------



## Red-1 (24 September 2021)

I helped a client in this situation. She did a lot better after moving. I am sure the old owners meant well, but it was undermining her confidence. They even gave a shot about how she would never get the horse loaded. 

I recommended the YO from the new yard came and picked up, as they did that sort of thing too. It went smoothly, yay. The rider went from strength to strength, with better facilities and off road riding.


----------



## paddi22 (24 September 2021)

bonnysmum said:



			And yet I'm worried about moving precisely because I'm inexperienced and now feel like I can't trust my own judgement. Would another livery yard even want to take on someone that high maintenance who will keep needing advice? One thought I did have is to move her to another yard on full/assisted livery just to begin with (but living out) so the yard staff can get to know her a bit and then I gradually take over the reins (so to speak) and move back to DIY?
		
Click to expand...

that sounds like a great plan! that situation you are in doesn't sound good. you would have a fresh start, plus support doing it this way.


----------



## bonnysmum (24 September 2021)

Red-1 said:



			I helped a client in this situation. She did a lot better after moving. I am sure the old owners meant well, but it was undermining her confidence. They even gave a shot about how she would never get the horse loaded..
		
Click to expand...

Yes, I'm afraid of this too. I can already imagine how the conversation will go, just as I could imagine how the conversation was going to go about something else recently (and was spot on). I basically feel like they think me & my daughter (the main rider) are just not good enough for this horse that they encouraged me to buy.  I know I need to do something but I'm so awful at any kind of awkward conversation that could lead to confrontation, I'll probably end up in tears which is the last thing I need!


----------



## FireCracker238 (24 September 2021)

bonnysmum said:



			Yes, I'm afraid of this too. I can already imagine how the conversation will go, just as I could imagine how the conversation was going to go about something else recently (and was spot on). I basically feel like they think me & my daughter (the main rider) are just not good enough for this horse that they encouraged me to buy.  I know I need to do something but I'm so awful at any kind of awkward conversation that could lead to confrontation, I'll probably end up in tears which is the last thing I need!
		
Click to expand...

Do you think your daughter feels the same as you?


----------



## Red-1 (24 September 2021)

bonnysmum said:



			Yes, I'm afraid of this too. I can already imagine how the conversation will go, just as I could imagine how the conversation was going to go about something else recently (and was spot on). I basically feel like they think me & my daughter (the main rider) are just not good enough for this horse that they encouraged me to buy.  I know I need to do something but I'm so awful at any kind of awkward conversation that could lead to confrontation, I'll probably end up in tears which is the last thing I need!
		
Click to expand...

In that case, I would find the new yard first. But, judging by your posts, you are not happy where you are, so I WOULD find somewhere else. The right yard is key, so take your time until you find the right setup, one where you can have support. There are plenty of professional transporters, who will be great at loading and travelling. No need for you to be under pressure under their gaze. 

Yes, I would go for part livery to start with, and have lessons. 

Imagining bad conversations with unsupportive people is simply confidence sapping and emotionally exhausting.


----------



## bonnysmum (24 September 2021)

FireCracker238 said:



			Do you think your daughter feels the same as you?
		
Click to expand...

I know she does, but it's tough because she has also made friends at this yard (as have I) so we both have mixed feelings.


----------



## Meredith (24 September 2021)

bonnysmum said:



			just as I could imagine how the conversation was going to go about something else recently (and was spot on). I basically feel like they think me & my daughter (the main rider) are just not good enough for this horse that they encouraged me to buy. 

Click to expand...

I think you need to be free from this undermining interference.

Have you an unbiased friend or instructor not involved in your present yard who would help.

Imagine how you would feel if someone told you how well you were doing and how conscientious you were in researching and learning horsecare and how Bonnyspony had blossomed since you had him.


----------



## bonnysmum (24 September 2021)

Meredith said:



			I think you need to be free from this undermining interference.

Have you an unbiased friend or instructor not involved in your present yard who would help.

Imagine how you would feel if someone told you how well you were doing and how conscientious you were in researching and learning horsecare and how Bonnyspony had blossomed since you had him.
		
Click to expand...

Thank you. Yes I do have a friend with no links to the yard who I'm hoping can help me build my confidence to make the change.

I think one of the big problems is the lack of communication! When I bought the horse I asked for information about her current routine & needs and apart from stuff I needed to buy nothing was ever divulged. So I've had to find things out by asking constant questions and generally feeling like I'm making a nuisance of myself. And when I haven't been able to get the answer to a question I've had to make my own decision based on what I _have_ been told, and my own research/instinct, and then of course I usually find I've done the wrong thing. I can't see why this would be deliberate, but it's starting to feel that way (and I've never allowed myself to think that until today).


----------



## PurBee (24 September 2021)

I had a similar situation, but not so close as to be on the same yard, like your situation. I knew the previous owner but their comments weren’t as toxic as you’re receiving. I too felt somewhat blindsided by the sale, in retrospect i now know i was absolutely unsuitable for the sale, and would never put a relative horse-keeping novice in such a position myself! 
Despite inexperience, you want to be on a supportive yard, not one where your efforts are undermined and affecting your confidence.
Ask on here what yards are recommended in your county/region.


----------



## bonnysmum (24 September 2021)

PurBee said:



			I had a similar situation, but not so close as to be on the same yard, like your situation. I knew the previous owner but their comments weren’t as toxic as you’re receiving. I too felt somewhat blindsided by the sale, in retrospect i now know i was absolutely unsuitable for the sale, and would never put a relative horse-keeping novice in such a position myself!
Despite inexperience, you want to be on a supportive yard, not one where your efforts are undermined and affecting your confidence.
Ask on here what yards are recommended in your county/region.
		
Click to expand...

I've checked out previous threads and spoken to people locally and there's a choice of about two (with space) within sensible driving distance @PurBee  . I can't say I do think the horse is too much for us - this is a native pony not some crazy ex racer - although clearly it feels like it sometimes as we go through this particular period. I think the previous owner is used to how she did things and is not coming to terms with the fact the horse was sold _precisely _because she was told it needed to slow down a bit.


----------



## I'm Dun (24 September 2021)

My friend was in this situation. It wasnt her first horse either! She bought her and kept her at the yard she bought her from. At first it was very supportive and lovely, but then it got very controlling and unpleasant. When she finally plucked up the courage to leave, the parting shot was she wasnt good enough and would ruin the horse. She didnt. She went on to enjoy her and do all sorts with her, no ruining involved. 

Its not just newbies it happens to. It tends to be nice and kind people who always think the best of others who get taken advantage of this way.


----------



## bonnysmum (24 September 2021)

I'm Dun said:



			My friend was in this situation. It wasnt her first horse either! She bought her and kept her at the yard she bought her from. At first it was very supportive and lovely, but then it got very controlling and unpleasant. When she finally plucked up the courage to leave, the parting shot was she wasnt good enough and would ruin the horse. She didnt. She went on to enjoy her and do all sorts with her, no ruining involved.

Its not just newbies it happens to. It tends to be nice and kind people who always think the best of others who get taken advantage of this way.
		
Click to expand...

Wow, why on earth do people _do_ this to other people, especially when there's a child involved? I never thought I'd get caught in such a situation, I thought I had my eyes wide open! Just goes to show.


----------



## Caol Ila (24 September 2021)

bonnysmum said:



			Wow, why on earth do people _do_ this to other people, especially when there's a child involved? I never thought I'd get caught in such a situation, I thought I had my eyes wide open! Just goes to show.
		
Click to expand...

Because the horse world is insane. Never underestimate that. 

Sadly I don’t think there’s a better way of dealing with your situation than moving yards. Micromanagers are gonna micromanage.


----------



## Gloi (24 September 2021)

I have seen a similar situation where the YO sold a pony to a novice who kept it on the yard. It worked for a bit but the pony got a bit nappy with the novice and the YO bossed the new owner quite a bit about it so in the end the new owner no longer wanted to ride because she knew she'd get told off and in the end  the YO sold the pony for her and pocketed a fair bit from the sale.


----------



## bonnysmum (24 September 2021)

Gloi said:



			I have seen a similar situation where the YO sold a pony to a novice who kept it on the yard. It worked for a bit but the pony got a bit nappy with the novice and the YO bossed the new owner quite a bit about it so in the end the new owner no longer wanted to ride because she knew she'd get told off and in the end  the YO sold the pony for her and pocketed a fair bit from the sale.
		
Click to expand...

Well that's pretty uncanny in the similarity to this particular situation. If that's what's going on here then they are not going to win, I will not give in on this. And I won't give up on the pony either because she deserves better, she's a lovely soul.

Interestingly though I was just saying to my husband the other week that if I wanted to be cynical (and I really don't) I could imagine that this situation had been set up for weeks, looking back at what was said on the way to me buying this pony. My daughter's RI (her main one until a few weeks ago) was involved in this for heavens' sakes! Two of them in fact!


----------



## Pearlsasinger (24 September 2021)

IMO and experience, so long as the 1st horse is a sensible honest type that knows its job, a novice owner needs to have someone in the background to call on for advice but NOT 'support' on the yard and *definitely* not the old owner.  You need to be free to make your own mistakes and do things your way, that is the only way to learn.  Horses/ponies react differently to different people, so what worked for one person won't necessarily work for another owner.  Do speak to your independent friend about moving your pony to another yard and do it asap. I think someone suggested on your other thread that you could take the BHS HorseOwners' Certificate course.  That will give you an opportunity to talk to others about their experiences,  why some things are usually done a certain way and how even the 'official' way doesn't suit all equines and their owners.  There was a thread recently about the way to put on a bridle!
You are obviously a concerned mum and pony owner but if  you can bring up a child successfully, you can certainly cope with a pony's needs.


----------



## Riding_my_Rozi (24 September 2021)

That can be a pretty difficult situation. I think the best option for you is to move to a different yard. You should be able to enjoy your new horse. He's yours after all! I hope you can sort it out!


----------



## magicmoments (24 September 2021)

I have once taken over a horse, that was loaned from a charity from a previous loaner and kept it on the same yard for roughly 6 months.  I knew the yard wouldn't work for me in the winter anyway, but also did want to do things my way, without feeling overlooked, despite me being experienced.
I bought the horse I shared, and then fully loaned after the previous owner approached me about buying her without looking to sell her on the open market.  We are still on the same yard, and I feel no need to move, as she pretty much left me to get on with it, even when fully loaning.
In your situation though, I think you need a fresh start, but with an experienced YO to help you for the first year or 2 so you have the support initially.


----------



## Caol Ila (24 September 2021)

My yard has a riding school and sell the occasional schoolie. Many stay on as liveries. Pretty sure the yard staff/instructors leave the owners to it. They will offer help if asked, but they have far too many better things to do than chase new owners with over-management and/or unsolicited advice. That’s the kind of relationship you want.


----------



## The Irish Draft 2022 (24 September 2021)

I think you should move yard quickly nobody need that stress and I wouldn’t be polite if a previous owner is telling me what to do. I would reminded them they sold the horse and the decision has nothing to do with them or the yard owner.


----------



## FireCracker238 (24 September 2021)

Please correct me if I'm wrong but I thought you'd mentioned on another thread that your daughter has lost confidence recently due to a couple of falls, tie that in with people giving her impression that she isn't good enough I'd be asking myself if this really is the yard where she'll be able to regain the confidence lost. 

I concur with the others I'd be looking to move, fresh slate for the 3 of you and the solution you've put forward about progressing to DIY livery after using assisted for a while sounds ideal. 🍀


----------



## bonnysmum (25 September 2021)

You're all lovely, and I think the decision has now been made. I have a couple of yard viewings this weekend and if either seems suitable we'll be moving her ASAP. I was in tears yesterday over this and I really have too much stress in my life already for this to be adding to it. I don't want to burn bridges however due to friendships on this yard, so I suspect I'm going to need to suck up all the comments about what my horse "needs" and stick with the line that it's about practicalities and nothing else. That will be hard for me to do as I am completely straight down the line as a rule (hence finding it so hard on this forum not to spill out every single detail of this sorry situation!).


----------



## SheriffTruman (25 September 2021)

bonnysmum said:



			I was in tears yesterday over this and I really have too much stress in my life already for this to be adding to it. I don't want to burn bridges however due to friendships on this yard, so I suspect I'm going to need to suck up all the comments about what my horse "needs" and stick with the line that it's about practicalities and nothing else. That will be hard for me to do as I am completely straight down the line as a rule (hence finding it so hard on this forum not to spill out every single detail of this sorry situation!).
		
Click to expand...

Sound like you are making the right move. It almost always pays not to burn bridges. Now you have made the decision to move yards, you may find it easier to deal with the bossy people for the remainder of your time there. That's how it works for me anyways. When they are being unpleasant, I remind myself that it won't last long, that I'll be out of there sooooon. You are in control now!

And I don't see why your friends can stay your friends. I am still friends with someone who left our yard due to struggles with yard management. Had nothing to do with me, so no hard feelings involved. 

I always try to remember there are many roads leading to Rome, and horsey people always believe their way is the highway. Do seek help if needed, but keep walking your own road.

Hope you find a great new place, and re-gain your confidence!


----------



## Pearlsasinger (25 September 2021)

I think you will find that this is the best decision you have made since deciding to buy your pony. I hope one of your viewings works out this weekend.


----------



## paddy555 (25 September 2021)

bonnysmum said:



			You're all lovely, and I think the decision has now been made. I have a couple of yard viewings this weekend and if either seems suitable we'll be moving her ASAP. I was in tears yesterday over this and I really have too much stress in my life already for this to be adding to it. I don't want to burn bridges however due to friendships on this yard, so I suspect I'm going to need to suck up all the comments about what my horse "needs" and stick with the line that it's about practicalities and nothing else. That will be hard for me to do as I am completely straight down the line as a rule (hence finding it so hard on this forum not to spill out every single detail of this sorry situation!).
		
Click to expand...


I hope your viewings go well. I expect under your contract you will have to give a month's notice, In your position once I had found a new place I would arrange the horse transporter who will easily be able to load the pony on their own and just give notice (along with a month's rent) the night before in writing and walk away. You don't need to suck up comments. You are the client and you have just terminated your contract.
Many people with little experience buy a horse or pony. Your pony is old so knows the ropes. She is not a youngster which could cause a lot more problems. Caring for a pony is not rocket science. You do need to make mistakes and you will do. That is how you learn.  


Move to a new place, turn the pony out as much as possible, let your daughter lead her around, take her for walks, play with her and then have another look in a couple of weeks. Life could well seem very different. 

*horsey people always believe their way is the highway.*(post 29)

very very very true. The horse world is not a pleasant one. Some lovely people (obviously all those on here) but for the most part they are not. They have opinions and those opinions are always right and everyone else's opinion is rubbish. 
Whatever yard you move to I expect you will get lots of opinions and bitchiness from the other liveries. A case of toughening up and developing a hard skin I'm afraid.


----------



## bonnysmum (25 September 2021)

paddy555 said:



			Whatever yard you move to I expect you will get lots of opinions and bitchiness from the other liveries. A case of toughening up and developing a hard skin I'm afraid.
		
Click to expand...

Yep, and that's the main thing that's been stopping me, along with having my confidence knocked. With the one obvious exception, all the liveries at this yard are lovely!


----------



## paddy555 (25 September 2021)

bonnysmum said:



			Yep, and that's the main thing that's been stopping me, along with having my confidence knocked. With the one obvious exception, all the liveries at this yard are lovely!
		
Click to expand...

so you stay where you are and have your confidence knocked or you move and get it knocked.

you now have a good idea as to how things  have paned out in your current yard and their agenda. Gloi's post no. 20 is probably a reasonable conclusion. That knowledge is power. You are not the new owner wondering all the time what is happening, you have a pretty good idea (like it or not) as to what has happened, how it is going to be in the future and probably how it will end.

so what would it take for you not to keep having your confidence knocked?  I'm afraid a bully is always going to find a victim. Other people's opinions are generally no better or worse than yours unless they are a total expert in which case they probably won't be bothering you with an opinion unless you specifically ask.

look at how you phrase things, look at faking it a bit. If you look at a new yard don't say we are new to horse ownership etc. are going to need help etc etc etc. In fact we are complete noobs. (your word) 

If it is a yard with supervision say' "my daughter has little experience in X aspect is help going to be available to show her" 

ask about which instructors visit the yard and then interview them. Explain your daughter needs help with X, how would they be able to deal with it. You are in charge and going to be paying for a service. You are not at anyone's mercy. 

if someone gives you their opinion ask them to explain, question them and then thank them and say you will give it some thought. 
You are not a total beginner in horse ownership. You are a horse owner, you already know a reasonable amount and like every other horse owner even those who have kept horses for years you are still finding out info., evaluating it and deciding if you are going to act on it. 

Please don't take offence at any of this. I feel that if your confidence could be built up it would be a lot easier for you to see the way forward.


----------



## Pearlsasinger (25 September 2021)

paddy555 said:



			so you stay where you are and have your confidence knocked or you move and get it knocked.

you now have a good idea as to how things  have paned out in your current yard and their agenda. Gloi's post no. 20 is probably a reasonable conclusion. That knowledge is power. You are not the new owner wondering all the time what is happening, you have a pretty good idea (like it or not) as to what has happened, how it is going to be in the future and probably how it will end.

so what would it take for you not to keep having your confidence knocked?  I'm afraid a bully is always going to find a victim. Other people's opinions are generally no better or worse than yours unless they are a total expert in which case they probably won't be bothering you with an opinion unless you specifically ask.

look at how you phrase things, look at faking it a bit. If you look at a new yard don't say we are new to horse ownership etc. are going to need help etc etc etc. In fact we are complete noobs. (your word)

If it is a yard with supervision say' "my daughter has little experience in X aspect is help going to be available to show her"

ask about which instructors visit the yard and then interview them. Explain your daughter needs help with X, how would they be able to deal with it. You are in charge and going to be paying for a service. You are not at anyone's mercy.

if someone gives you their opinion ask them to explain, question them and then thank them and say you will give it some thought.
You are not a total beginner in horse ownership. You are a horse owner, you already know a reasonable amount and like every other horse owner even those who have kept horses for years you are still finding out info., evaluating it and deciding if you are going to act on it.

Please don't take offence at any of this. I feel that if your confidence could be built up it would be a lot easier for you to see the way forward.
		
Click to expand...


I think that is another pointer to taking the BHS Horseowner's course.  
 I was going to say something similar about not telling everyone on your new yard that you have only just bought this pony, don't tell fellow liveries your life story.  Just get on with dealing with your child and your pony.  If people offer unsolicited advice, don't immediately think they must  be right.  If you need advice, ask your independent friend unless you need immediate help and in that case just say something along the lines of 'My daughter needs some help to get her pony out of the field, could you help her, please?'


----------



## Arzada (25 September 2021)

bonnysmum said:



			You're all lovely, and I think the decision has now been made. I have a couple of yard viewings this weekend and if either seems suitable we'll be moving her ASAP. I was in tears yesterday over this and I really have too much stress in my life already for this to be adding to it. I don't want to burn bridges however due to friendships on this yard, so I suspect I'm going to need to suck up all the comments about what my horse "needs" and stick with the line that it's about practicalities and nothing else. That will be hard for me to do as I am completely straight down the line as a rule (hence finding it so hard on this forum not to spill out every single detail of this sorry situation!).
		
Click to expand...

Well done, great decision. Put on your professional face, have your reason for moving sorted and rehearsed, become a broken record if necessary and thank everyone for their invaluable support and help on this yard. And have in mind that this is worth doing for you, your daughter and your wonderful pony.


----------



## coblets (25 September 2021)

bonnysmum said:



			Yep, and that's the main thing that's been stopping me, along with having my confidence knocked. With the one obvious exception, all the liveries at this yard are lovely!
		
Click to expand...

Tbf I've known a few yards (granted, not many) where everyone was lovely, supportive and knowledgeable but not overbearing. As some advice for when you're trying yards: a yard where the YM/YO is picky about the kind of people who join is less likely to have cliques. Also ime barefoot yards are vastly more pleasant - but, then again, it depends on who you are too.


----------



## coblets (25 September 2021)

Oh and worth keeping in mind that pony has been on her current yard for a while. You'll likely to experience some changes in her behaviour after the move but don't let that get you down - it doesn't mean you made the wrong decision, and it certainly doesn't mean you're a bad owner.


----------



## SheriffTruman (25 September 2021)

bonnysmum said:



			Yep, and that's the main thing that's been stopping me, along with having my confidence knocked. With the one obvious exception, all the liveries at this yard are lovely!
		
Click to expand...

No, no, no! That is not necessarily true. I'm on a absolutely lovely yard with helpful people. I can ask my yard owner for advice anytime I need it. Sometimes she offers it unasked for, but in a friendly manner. I am not pressured to take the advice though. It's not the perfect yard, but I'm very happy to be there. They are out there!


----------



## MinKo (25 September 2021)

The beat you can do is move


----------



## Winters100 (25 September 2021)

Poor you, what a horrid situation, but well done for finding a new yard.

People move yards all the time, and you do not need to have any long discussion about it. Simply pick a reason, easiest if it can be something purely practical such as distance from home or daughter's school, and stick to that reason. If they try to persuade you to stay do not be put off, just smile and say that the decision is made.  

Good luck with the move, and do not worry about the reaction to it, this is now your pony, and if the previous owner wanted it to live at a particular yard then they should not have sold it.


----------



## Caol Ila (25 September 2021)

Second Winter’s post. I’ve moved yards many times in my horse owning life. Sometimes it was purely practical, like moving cities/states/countries or a space opening at a yard closer to where I lived, and sometimes it was because my horse hated the yard, or the YO was driving me nuts. Even when the latter was the case, I told the YO a purely practical reason just to keep life easy.


----------

