# Husband horse jealousy



## LHIS (25 August 2015)

Hi everyone - I'm not sure this is the right area for this dilemma - apologies if it's isn't!

I need some advice from ladies with husbands and horses... I got a pony on loan earlier this year, he's stabled at the owners yard and the set up is perfect.  My original agreement with the owner was for a part loan, but as I've settled in I find myself there most evenings after work (he's a young horse, backed last year and I'm bringing him on - so requires quite a bit of time but we're progressing well!).  Like most of you, I'm horse mad, it was my first love and I adore it.  When given the opportunity to have a pony again after a 3 year drought due to lack of funds I jumped at the chance.

Pony-wise everything is great.  But my husband is jealous.  We've been married just under a year, both mid-twenties, and prior to me having my current pony he had not experienced the horsey side of me.

I'd like to ask other ladies how they juggle this - I'm hoping I'm not alone in this particular issue?
I have tried to explain to hubby what it is I love about it, and that it is just 'my thing' but he feels abandoned and jealous.  He doesn't really have a hobby and has been used to having me playing the dutiful girlfriend/wife for the past 3 years.  
Sadly he isn't interested in giving horses a go, he isn't an animal lover, doesn't like getting dirty, just isn't an outdoorsy person.  I've tried to encourage him to come and watch me ride in a bid to make him understand and appreciate what my hobby does for me, but he isn't interested and the only time he came to watch a lesson he spent the whole hour staring at his ipad.

We hope in the future to be able to have a property with stables (my idea being I would at home and would be in and out so this would make it easier on him), but this is a few years off at the moment so not an option.  

This is also the main barrier to buying the loan pony I have, so I am keen to get this sorted.  I know some compromise is going to be involved here, but I could do with some advice please.


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## paddi22 (25 August 2015)

my husband just eventually gave in and gave up!  He moaned at first, but now is landed with four that will shortly move into our back field. Just make sure you carve out time for him and then just forge on ahead with your hobby. It's not your fault if he has no hobbies. What does he spend his time doing?  If he wants you to be happy, he has to understand this is important to you.  Happy wife = happy life.

Mine would rather watch paint dry than watch me at a show or anything. But he is crazy about the foal now that it is at the house. 

I always think you are either horsey or not, and for me its non negotiable. The way i see it is that if he had a hobby that was really important to him, I'd accept it. So it should work the other way around.


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## stormclouds (25 August 2015)

Hmm that is a tricky one - especially as he's new to the horsey-side of you!

I was in a fairly similar position with my OH (we live together but not married, and same sort of age as you guys). When I met him I was riding horses for a few people, but didn't have my own and wasn't ever 'required' to be somewhere all the time, every day. When we moved in together, I decided to buy my own (after a few loans didn't go well). He was a bit shocked by the amount of time (and money) they took up.

He's pretty brilliant about it all though to be fair - he comes down every now and again, acts as dutiful groom when I compete and puts up with me rabbiting on all day about pony. However, it's definitely about compromise - I make sure that I give pony a couple of evenings off a week (ride etc. before work) so OH and I get more time together, and likewise, I get weekend mornings off for a lie-in with him.

I think, being blunt, your husband has to get over it. If you can afford it yourself and it won't negatively effect what you two can do, then really he should be happy that you're not spending all day every day following him around! I hate to say it too - but is he quite controlling at all? My ex hated me riding and often 'banned' me from seeing him and seeing my horse on the same day - and ultimately it came down to 'me or the horse' (he didn't win, obviously!).

Is there anyway you can encourage him to get his own hobbies? Go see his friends or something?

I think it's really important for both people in a relationship to have their own lives/hobbies - you still need to be your own person, not just one person in two bodies! 

Maybe have a proper chat with him (if you haven't already) - ask him what realistically he wants from this - is it just he wants you for 1/2 evenings a week without the horse? Or does he just want the horse gone full-stop? If he can't be rational or logical about it, then maybe it's something a bit deeper than just the horse.

You know how time (and money and energy) consuming horses are, so (in my experience anyway) I think it's impossible to do without a supportive (or at least accepting) OH.


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## LHIS (25 August 2015)

paddi22 said:



			my husband just eventually gave in and gave up!  He moaned at first, but now is landed with four that will shortly move into our back field. Just make sure you carve out time for him and then just forge on ahead with your hobby. It's not your fault if he has no hobbies. What does he spend his time doing?  If he wants you to be happy, he has to understand this is important to you.  Happy wife = happy life.

Mine would rather watch paint dry than watch me at a show or anything. But he is crazy about the foal now that it is at the house. 

I always think you are either horsey or not, and for me its non negotiable. The way i see it is that if he had a hobby that was really important to him, I'd accept it. So it should work the other way around.
		
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Haha yes - I jokingly mentioned the 'happy wife, happy life' mantra to him and he half-smiled.  My husband is very laid back, he likes to take it easy and not to a great deal.  I am on the other hand a busy body, like to be doing something constantly, can't just sit around whilst there's things to be done type.  My husband's hobby is as a volunteer police officer (I used to do it too - it was the thing that brought us together) - he tends to go on duty at the weekends which leaves me free to delight in horses, but he doesn't go in the evenings after work as his job is quite stressful and he likes to vege out in the evenings, which is fair enough.  I'm quite happy with him going on duty - I have a major advantage in that having done his hobby myself, and I loved it too, I 'get it'.  
As you suggest, it is non-negotiable, but we need to find a way forward.


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## HeresHoping (25 August 2015)

Limit your time at the yard to 2.5 hours per day (spread over either end if you like, depending upon duties).  It is more than feasible to do the pony in this time including all jobs.  Stick at it for a few weeks and then let it slip a bit.


And a bit more.

And a bit more.

And a tiny bit more.

Mwahahahahaaaa!  You have moved the status quo in your favour by stealth.  You'll have been gone 4 hours before he notices.  But so bowled over by the effort you've made will he be that he will have given up moaning.  Also, tell him you need to get it all in now because when you have children you'll be having to reassess your 'me' time for the next few years.

Alternatively, buy him a man shed and put it up in the bottom of the garden.  Into this place trains, motorbikes, X-Box, War Games models, or whatever his guilty pleasure.  

When you return from the yard at 8:00 having been there since 4:00, you'll find you will have plenty of time to pour a glass of wine, get dinner on the go, do a few chores and nab the remote before he rolls in at 9:30 pm full of remorse (mainly over his rumbling stomach).  At this point you can ask, innocently, 'Where have you been?'.

HTH. Brought to you with the experience of 13 years of marriage, two children and 2500 late evenings at the yard.


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## LHIS (25 August 2015)

stormclouds said:



			Hmm that is a tricky one - especially as he's new to the horsey-side of you!

I was in a fairly similar position with my OH (we live together but not married, and same sort of age as you guys). When I met him I was riding horses for a few people, but didn't have my own and wasn't ever 'required' to be somewhere all the time, every day. When we moved in together, I decided to buy my own (after a few loans didn't go well). He was a bit shocked by the amount of time (and money) they took up.

He's pretty brilliant about it all though to be fair - he comes down every now and again, acts as dutiful groom when I compete and puts up with me rabbiting on all day about pony. However, it's definitely about compromise - I make sure that I give pony a couple of evenings off a week (ride etc. before work) so OH and I get more time together, and likewise, I get weekend mornings off for a lie-in with him.

I think, being blunt, your husband has to get over it. If you can afford it yourself and it won't negatively effect what you two can do, then really he should be happy that you're not spending all day every day following him around! I hate to say it too - but is he quite controlling at all? My ex hated me riding and often 'banned' me from seeing him and seeing my horse on the same day - and ultimately it came down to 'me or the horse' (he didn't win, obviously!).

Is there anyway you can encourage him to get his own hobbies? Go see his friends or something?

I think it's really important for both people in a relationship to have their own lives/hobbies - you still need to be your own person, not just one person in two bodies! 

Maybe have a proper chat with him (if you haven't already) - ask him what realistically he wants from this - is it just he wants you for 1/2 evenings a week without the horse? Or does he just want the horse gone full-stop? If he can't be rational or logical about it, then maybe it's something a bit deeper than just the horse.

You know how time (and money and energy) consuming horses are, so (in my experience anyway) I think it's impossible to do without a supportive (or at least accepting) OH.
		
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Hmmm.. yes I half agree with you.  He is, I suppose, controlling in a way in that now that the pony has arrived he's now sharing my attention, whereas previously he had me at his beck and call if you like, and he doesn't like it.  He hasn't demanded me to choose between, but said he wants more time with me.  Because he doesn't understand horses, and isn't willing to come and physically watch me do all the jobs that are associated with horses, let alone ride, it's hard to explain this to him and the commitment that comes with it.

As mentioned above, his hobby is as a volunteer police officer, but due to his day job he only goes on duty at the weekends.  He does see friends yes, and I encourage him to, but as he's quite a laid back person, and a total 'sofa bear' he's quite happy in front of the tv on on his games consoles.  
He does understand that we need our hobbies, and that it's important that we both have our own hobbies.  I just think he underestimated quite how much work a pony needs.  Of course I couldn't expect him to know, he's not been near a horse in his life and his family are not animal people at all, so he's never really experienced the commitment any pets are.

We had 'the chat' and he said he just wants to see me more, and I have said I will do my best to accommodate this, but he doesn't like the idea of having to 'book' time with his wife.  He is happy to let the pony stay, but wants more time with me.

Completely aside from this, to give you a little more background, we also recently moved from Lancashire to his native Cheshire.  So in the move I lost my friends, my job, everything.  We've moved close to his family, and he has friends here.  I have a new job, but making friends is hard I'm finding - my pony is a life saver for me and the much needed anchor to help me settle in here.  Prior to me finding the pony, hubby was feeling guilty for going on duty, and said he felt he had to be at home for me, as I was so reliant on him, given he was the one who moved me away from my friends and job.

p.s We moved to be closer to his work - he was commuting from Lancaster to Manchester and it just wasn't sustainable.  I had no ties to Lancashire other than my friends, but it was my home.  His job is very location dependant - he needs to be nearby in order to progress and do well.  My job less so, having not ever known what I want to do as a career (except Police - but swiftly changed my mind after 2 years volunteering as a police officer) I work as an office manager.  I don't resent the move, but it was disruptive for me.


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## LHIS (25 August 2015)

HeresHoping said:



			Limit your time at the yard to 2.5 hours per day (spread over either end if you like, depending upon duties).  It is more than feasible to do the pony in this time including all jobs.  Stick at it for a few weeks and then let it slip a bit.


And a bit more.

And a bit more.

And a tiny bit more.

Mwahahahahaaaa!  You have moved the status quo in your favour by stealth.  You'll have been gone 4 hours before he notices.  But so bowled over by the effort you've made will he be that he will have given up moaning.  Also, tell him you need to get it all in now because when you have children you'll be having to reassess your 'me' time for the next few years.

Alternatively, buy him a man shed and put it up in the bottom of the garden.  Into this place trains, motorbikes, X-Box, War Games models, or whatever his guilty pleasure.  

When you return from the yard at 8:00 having been there since 4:00, you'll find you will have plenty of time to pour a glass of wine, get dinner on the go, do a few chores and nab the remote before he rolls in at 9:30 pm full of remorse (mainly over his rumbling stomach).  At this point you can ask, innocently, 'Where have you been?'.

HTH. Brought to you with the experience of 13 years of marriage, two children and 2500 late evenings at the yard.
		
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Haha! Love this.  Thank you - will try this all.  
P.s I have already proposed a 'man shed' - it will be full of all manner of thing - models of sci-fi memorabilia, endless games consoles, and Star Wars DVDS.  Lol


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## paddi22 (25 August 2015)

i wouldn't pay a jot of attention to his moaning. He should understand the horses are a good way for you to make friends and integrate.
If i was you i'd buy the world most boring boardgame, and any time he goes to enjoy his hobbies (tv or games console) I'd plug them out, bring out the board game, and start moaning about how you want to spend more quality time together.  After a few weeks of this i'd imagine he will be happy enough to let you go riding.

He is doing HIS hobbies, its just his hobbies are tv and consoles. Just because he is home, doesn't mean its quality time with you.  This isn't quality time for you, its not doing what you enjoy - chances are you are probably just sat on the sofa half watching whatever is on.   If he wants more time with you he can step away from the telly and consoles and take you out anytime i'd imagine.


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## LHIS (25 August 2015)

Yes good idea - I will do that.  We could do with a new Monopoly board.. the dog has chewed the plastic houses lol.

When I ask him what he'd like to do during our time together I get a shrug and 'dunno'.  I usually suggest taking the dog for a long walk, maybe swing by a pub on the way.  He usually agrees, though reluctantly as again it involved going outside, probably getting a bit muddy, though is happier once we get to the pub bit.

I agree with your point about his hobbies being at home - and yeah I do sit there watching whatever's on with him, before sloping off and doing house jobs/gardening/baking etc.


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## Pixie88 (25 August 2015)

How long have you loaned the pony? 

I am guessing a I am similar age to you mid/late 20's and when I got my boy in July my partner was only used to me riding other peoples horses. So I didn't have the daily duties. After 2 weeks of me spending every evening all evening up the yard and him having to cook and walk the dog each night... he got a bit shirty (understandably). 

My partner doesn't do horses, he is allergic to them. He will dose up and come and help me if needed, but it isn't something he wants to do obviously. 
We have now come to an agreement that works perfectly for us I have my riding days and non riding days. So Monday & Wednesday I will ride and he will cook, with the aim of me being home for 8:30. Tuesday and Thursday are my cooking days/non riding days and he gets to do his man things (go and play football). I also do the morning dog walks on Mon, Wed & Fri so that he can go to the gym. This isn't set in stone (apart from Tuesday Football). Then Fridays I see what happens and we either cook or do a take-away. Weekends depend on our plans. 

It is just abut balancing it all, and him accepting that horses do take a lot of time. Although according to my OH I spend more time in the tearoom gossiping then anything else!!! After 2 months of owning my boy he is happy with the arrangement because he knows it makes me happy. He has even stopped asking what I have spent on the horse because 'he doesn't want to know as long as we can afford it'!! 

He will get there... Set a routine and after a few months just push it a bit... Then the routine will go as it will be winter and he wont notice


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## fatpiggy (25 August 2015)

He needs to man up a bit.  If he doesn't want a hobby or two of his own, that's his problem (more fool him) but he shouldn't just expect you to wait on him hand, foot and finger.  I do think it is important that you make an effort to do things together, but you didn't marry him to be his slave. Its a partnership, the days of the wives being owned by their husband are long gone.  I'm willing to bet he just sat on the sofa and had his mother running around at the flick of his fingers before you got married too!  Without trying to sound gloomy, what on earth is he going to be like if and when you have a child or two?  If he can't stand you being out for a set amount of time seeing to the pony, having a child demanding unscheduled attention at all hours is going to completely do his head in.  He doesn't want you spending time doing your thing without him, but is quite happy doing his without you, ie. the gaming.  I think you two need to do some serious talking TBH.


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## LHIS (25 August 2015)

fatpiggy said:



			He needs to man up a bit.  If he doesn't want a hobby or two of his own, that's his problem (more fool him) but he shouldn't just expect you to wait on him hand, foot and finger.  I do think it is important that you make an effort to do things together, but you didn't marry him to be his slave. Its a partnership, the days of the wives being owned by their husband are long gone.  I'm willing to bet he just sat on the sofa and had his mother running around at the flick of his fingers before you got married too!  Without trying to sound gloomy, what on earth is he going to be like if and when you have a child or two?  If he can't stand you being out for a set amount of time seeing to the pony, having a child demanding unscheduled attention at all hours is going to completely do his head in.  He doesn't want you spending time doing your thing without him, but is quite happy doing his without you, ie. the gaming.  I think you two need to do some serious talking TBH.
		
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Before we met he was quite independent, he lived alone from age 20 and had a couple of occasional hobbies, mostly his volunteering policing.  When we met and got together, his hobbies flagged a bit and for a while he did nothing.  In the past 3 years, up until the pony arrived, I suppose I have waited on him hand and foot, perhaps it's partially my fault for playing the dutiful wife role.  
My point is, he's not a chauvinist, I just think he'd had his nose put out of joint a little now that his wife has another being that needs her attention.  But yes, it will be interesting when we have children, I have already mentioned that I will need him to do more (I currently do the house jobs, cooking etc - but this is because I have a system and I don't mind doing it) and he is aware that our time together will take a nose dive, for at least a few years.


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## Goldenstar (25 August 2015)

I have been married 26 years we where together seven years before that my OH was not at all horsey when we met .
I got him riding that helped he has two hunters now I was greatly helped by him being an out door type however he never enjoyed coming to competitions and was frankly a pain I learnt in time to leave him alone at home when I do my horsey stuff.
I still get a stream of texts asking me when I am coming home what's for supper etc etc when I am away at say a dressage lesson I used to bring it up with him and say I don't pester you when your out with your friends at the pub and he got cross arguments followed
Then I got smart I ignore the texts till it suits me then I text don't know xxxx or soon xxx and behave it a very sunny happy way when I get home if he's grumpy I behave even happier so he gives up.
Somethings are not not for negotiation ,in my book horses are not ,don't let your OH dictate how you spend all your leisure time .
But you have to be fair for instance on Thursday we are having a night out in town I hate this sort of thing but will go along and commit to enjoying it we go to his local every and I mean every Friday night it bores me rigid but I go wearing a smile .


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## LHIS (25 August 2015)

Pixie88 said:



			How long have you loaned the pony? 

I am guessing a I am similar age to you mid/late 20's and when I got my boy in July my partner was only used to me riding other peoples horses. So I didn't have the daily duties. After 2 weeks of me spending every evening all evening up the yard and him having to cook and walk the dog each night... he got a bit shirty (understandably). 

My partner doesn't do horses, he is allergic to them. He will dose up and come and help me if needed, but it isn't something he wants to do obviously. 
We have now come to an agreement that works perfectly for us I have my riding days and non riding days. So Monday & Wednesday I will ride and he will cook, with the aim of me being home for 8:30. Tuesday and Thursday are my cooking days/non riding days and he gets to do his man things (go and play football). I also do the morning dog walks on Mon, Wed & Fri so that he can go to the gym. This isn't set in stone (apart from Tuesday Football). Then Fridays I see what happens and we either cook or do a take-away. Weekends depend on our plans. 

It is just abut balancing it all, and him accepting that horses do take a lot of time. Although according to my OH I spend more time in the tearoom gossiping then anything else!!! After 2 months of owning my boy he is happy with the arrangement because he knows it makes me happy. He has even stopped asking what I have spent on the horse because 'he doesn't want to know as long as we can afford it'!! 

He will get there... Set a routine and after a few months just push it a bit... Then the routine will go as it will be winter and he wont notice 

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Yes we're probably the same age.  Your set-up does sound very similar to mine, husband is 'allergic' to animals (aka gets a bit of a sniffle - though he does have asthma so dusty environments isn't good for him).  I've had the pony since Easter, he's officially a loan, but between me and the owner, he's a LWVTB  and I've been planting the seed of thought with the hubster for a while now.

Your agreement sounds like what I think we're heading for - following the chat about it last night we agreed that the only way forward seemed to be having set days - set days and a share of the cooking (one of his main arguments is that he's waiting at home hungry - poor love), though I have been recently calling him when I leave the yard and he preps dinner ready for me to take over when I arrive home.  

Thanks for the advice!


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## MaisyMayhill (25 August 2015)

I moved 9 years ago, 200 miles away from my friends and family to be with my partner in the Cotswolds. New job, no friends, did his hobby, mates with bikes.  Being in horsey country, and horsey as a child, found a riding school, off I went. It was the only thing that kept me sane.  Met a friend called Julie who had her own yard, hey presto, now had a friend and a free ride on her horses. Then I ended up owning one!

It has taken a few years with patience for him to understand MY hobby. I put him in charge of the 4x4 and trailer (man job) and he come to watch me have lessons and then compete he was made to feel that he was just as important part for the day.  Hold this hold that, can you help me with this and that. 

Yes, he was extremely jealous at the beginning, this animal taking so much of my time but the smile on my face and being happy and my hard work to take up dressage and compete on a very difficult mare and come home with rosettes, he's slowly understanding.

Though not the buying of the stuff that comes with owning a horse, those conversations, debates are very much alive!... HOW MUCH?!!! continuously rings in my ears.

Partner is now husband and is becoming a well trained groom - work in progress and now I feel I can leave him for a week in charge to go home! OK so I've had the odd phone call to say my mare is in her PJ's (stable rug) in the field!! but at least it wasn't raining or a very hot day! 

He loves Badminton XC day and off to Blenheim in September. 

I now own two finish work at 5, home at 6, work with horses until 8, muck out etc. then finally food, this is our life.  We have a set routine and manage the horses around us.


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## LHIS (25 August 2015)

Thank you all for your advice and personal experience - I feel less of a mean wife now and quite justified in my sticking to my guns.  And I'm glad I'm not the only one!

I think our way forward is having set days where I will do my very very best to stay away from the yard.  And I'll get him a man shed.


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## LHIS (25 August 2015)

MaisyMayhill your system sounds ideal - even if it has taken a while to get used to.  

I have a glimmer of hope that hubby may become more interested and maybe, just maybe, learn to like my pony (or any future ponies should this one not work out for any reason) just a little bit.
It's taken 3 years, but he's gone from being anti-pets, to adoring my (now 'our') dog, and though he sometimes makes out he doesn't like her that much, I find them in cahoots quite regularly.  As mentioned this has taken years, so I suspect a pony would take even longer, but maybe one day he might entertain the idea of maybe helping me with some of the more fun jobs (I'd put him in charge of the trailer as you suggest).

Thanks for the advice/insight!


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## Alec Swan (25 August 2015)

It's often a problem for men when they're the centre of someone's attention,  and then they feel 'abandoned' when the focus is side-lined!  It can be very similar when a new baby puts in an appearance,  and I mean it!  It took me some while before I didn't resent my daughter!  I got over it,  because I had no choice,  but when she first came home,  we hated each other!  That's all by the by.

I really wouldn't recommend you taking a 'stuff you,  I'm doing what I like' attitude,  as that will only deepen the resentment.  As others have said,  trying to involve him in your interests is the only real way forward,  but if he's determined to sulk,  and that's in reality what he's doing,  and you give in and abandon your revived interest,  then you will buckle over other issues too.  It's such a shame that he can't take pleasure,  even if he doesn't participate,  in what brings you pleasure.  He does sound just a wee bit self centred.

I'm not really being much help,  am I?  Sorry!

Alec.


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## EQUIDAE (25 August 2015)

I bought mine his own


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## LHIS (25 August 2015)

Alec Swan said:



			It's often a problem for men when they're the centre of someone's attention,  and then they feel 'abandoned' when the focus is side-lined!  It can be very similar when a new baby puts in an appearance,  and I mean it!  It took me some while before I didn't resent my daughter!  I got over it,  because I had no choice,  but when she first came home,  we hated each other!  That's all by the by.

I really wouldn't recommend you taking a 'stuff you,  I'm doing what I like' attitude,  as that will only deepen the resentment.  As others have said,  trying to involve him in your interests is the only real way forward,  but if he's determined to sulk,  and that's in reality what he's doing,  and you give in and abandon your revived interest,  then you will buckle over other issues too.  It's such a shame that he can't take pleasure,  even if he doesn't participate,  in what brings you pleasure.  He does sound just a wee bit self centred.

I'm not really being much help,  am I?  Sorry!

Alec.
		
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Thanks Alec - always good to have a male perspective to give me a little insight in to how the male mind works!
I will keep inviting him, though he will probably keep saying no.  He does notice how happy I am when I come home, skipping through the door in a good mood, then proceeding to bang on about all the things Pony and I achieved that evening.  
Sadly I think he could not be any less interested as he currently is - but I will keep trying.

Oh AND I always make a point of saying thank you to him for supporting me financially to be able to afford my Pony comfortably.  Gratitude goes a long way with him.


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## LHIS (25 August 2015)

EQUIDAE said:



			I bought mine his own 

Click to expand...

Haha.. maybe one day, if he has a complete U-turn?!

My pony is a complete sweetheart and I'd describe him a bit like a large dog, so he's definitely the right animal to try and convert him.  But I think there's very little chance on getting him on board


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## Cheshire Chestnut (25 August 2015)

Weird, I met my OH in Cheshire as a special too...although he's a regular and I'm no longer 'specialling'. I was on a break from owning horses when I met him as I concentrated on getting a new job and buying a house. Then when we moved in together I had money for a horse again! I loaned at first, then we moved house and a new pony I had on loan I ended up buying. Although it sounds like it happened gradually, we both knew I'd end up owning him anyway, so the loan wasn't going to be for long. I don't ever think we had any moments where he's been jealous as such - I was always really conscious right from the start to always make time for him and 'us time'. I always make sure I put the horse on full livery one day every few weeks in the winter (Summer is fine as he lives out), in order to do something just me and him - I make sure I don't even step foot on the yard that day. To be honest, it's always nice to have a non horsey day anyway and a break from mucking out 

He's not horsey at all so wouldn't come to the yard or show an interest, however we have progressed a lot in 3 years and he now will feed him a carrot and walk with us to the pub!

Oh and best tip of all: I bought him a Playstaion 4 and a Batman game. He now practically pushes me out the door so he can have some peace to play his game. Best money I've ever spent. Everyone's a winner!


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## LHIS (25 August 2015)

Cheshire Chestnut said:



			Weird, I met my OH in Cheshire as a special too...although he's a regular and I'm no longer 'specialling'. I was on a break from owning horses when I met him as I concentrated on getting a new job and buying a house. Then when we moved in together I had money for a horse again! I loaned at first, then we moved house and a new pony I had on loan I ended up buying. Although it sounds like it happened gradually, we both knew I'd end up owning him anyway, so the loan wasn't going to be for long. I don't ever think we had any moments where he's been jealous as such - I was always really conscious right from the start to always make time for him and 'us time'. I always make sure I put the horse on full livery one day every few weeks in the winter (Summer is fine as he lives out), in order to do something just me and him - I make sure I don't even step foot on the yard that day. To be honest, it's always nice to have a non horsey day anyway and a break from mucking out 

He's not horsey at all so wouldn't come to the yard or show an interest, however we have progressed a lot in 3 years and he now will feed him a carrot and walk with us to the pub!

Oh and best tip of all: I bought him a Playstaion 4 and a Batman game. He now practically pushes me out the door so he can have some peace to play his game. Best money I've ever spent. Everyone's a winner! 

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Uncanny (though my hubby is a 'career special' and has no urge to become a regular - he's now a Sgt with his own team so he's loving it)! Yes, agree with the PS4 - when he muses 'shall I buy the new XXXXX game?' I always reply with a 'Go for it sweetie' or something along those lines.  Entertained for hours. 

I think he knows, whether or not he admits it, that this Pony (unless something goes horribly wrong) will be a keeper, and I'll do my very best to ensure this happens (I have a 'pony fund' accumulating nicely at the moment, ready to combat the 'HOW MUCH?!' remarks when the time comes to buy him).  Hopefully one day he might too offer the carrot-olive branch and they can reach a truce.


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## Barnacle (25 August 2015)

Just a thought but could you "challenge" him to a hobby swap? You play some PS4 games with him and then he takes a riding lesson and meets your pony? Given that his complaint is that he doesn't get to spend enough time with you, he obviously cares about you and likes you being around... So surely that's a sensible compromise.

Obviously, make the lesson as positive as possible! Let the instructor know to go easy on him but also make it interesting (like, do have a trot but with someone leading) and praise him lots for his "natural talent" afterwards... I have yet to meet someone whose opinion of riding hasn't shifted for the better once they tried it (and let me tell you some of those people were dragged kicking and screaming  ).


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## Alec Swan (25 August 2015)

EQUIDAE said:



			I bought mine his own 

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NO NO NO,  LHIS,  forget the other ideas,  this ^^^^ is pure genius,  but needs a touch of adjustment! . What you do is this;  You breeze in one day,  with a "Darling,  I've bought you a pressy".  He'll beam at you.  "Not one horse,  but two! ".  Turn around and leave the room.  Allow him to stew on it.  He'll hit the roof,  but for a while you look hurt and upset,  'How could he be so ungrateful'?

Now then,  eventually (and it's important that you spin this out for at least a couple of days) you acquiesce and agree that the two new pressies may not have been such a good idea,  and that the seller 'may' be prepared to take them back,  but does the existing pony have to go too? 

If you work it right,  the man will agree to anything! 

Alec.

ps and as a disclaimer,  OP this is all t-i-c!


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## Peregrine Falcon (25 August 2015)

It is all about finding a balance.  Fortunately I already had one pony when we met.  He gave me money for my birthday one year and I bought a mare and foal.  The herd has grown and diminished and now growing again.  We now have 2 kids too.  

Even as a couple you need time away from each other but also make sure that you spend quality time together.  We have family time every sunday too (although sometimes that is spent at a show!).

Can you invest in a slow cooker so that dinner can be ready for when he gets home if you are out with pony?


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## Exploding Chestnuts (25 August 2015)

Peregrine Falcon said:



			It is all about finding a balance.  Fortunately I already had one pony when we met.  He gave me money for my birthday one year and I bought a mare and foal.  The herd has grown and diminished and now growing again.  We now have 2 kids too.  

Even as a couple you need time away from each other but also make sure that you spend quality time together.  We have family time every sunday too (although sometimes that is spent at a show!).

Can you invest in a slow cooker so that dinner can be ready for when he gets home if you are out with pony?
		
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Or treat him to a course of cookery lessons...... maybe something cheffy, and Italian, if you like pasta.


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## Tapir (26 August 2015)

my husband (of 14 years)is totally non horsey but we are both independent people and don't have to, or indeed want to, spend every single minute of our non-work time together.

I don't get home until 7.30 at the very earliest in the evenings and spend both weekend mornings riding & doing my ponies.  He goes to the gym after work & he also has motorbikes to play with & go on rides on.  Of course if there's somewhere we want to go for the day, I get up early to do the ponies so we can spend the whole day together.

Weekend afternoons are for us to do stuff together and we spend time chatting/eating/watching TV together when I get home in the evenings.  If he's at home feeling hungry, why doesn't he cook whilst waiting for you?

I think I'd be bored stiff sitting in front of the TV all evening, every evening.  Would he not at least go the the gym or do something else active that doesn't necessarily involve you?


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## fathorselover (27 August 2015)

LHIS said:



			Hi everyone - I'm not sure this is the right area for this dilemma - apologies if it's isn't!

I need some advice from ladies with husbands and horses... I got a pony on loan earlier this year, he's stabled at the owners yard and the set up is perfect.  My original agreement with the owner was for a part loan, but as I've settled in I find myself there most evenings after work (he's a young horse, backed last year and I'm bringing him on - so requires quite a bit of time but we're progressing well!).  Like most of you, I'm horse mad, it was my first love and I adore it.  When given the opportunity to have a pony again after a 3 year drought due to lack of funds I jumped at the chance.

Pony-wise everything is great.  But my husband is jealous.  We've been married just under a year, both mid-twenties, and prior to me having my current pony he had not experienced the horsey side of me.

I'd like to ask other ladies how they juggle this - I'm hoping I'm not alone in this particular issue?
I have tried to explain to hubby what it is I love about it, and that it is just 'my thing' but he feels abandoned and jealous.  He doesn't really have a hobby and has been used to having me playing the dutiful girlfriend/wife for the past 3 years.  
Sadly he isn't interested in giving horses a go, he isn't an animal lover, doesn't like getting dirty, just isn't an outdoorsy person.  I've tried to encourage him to come and watch me ride in a bid to make him understand and appreciate what my hobby does for me, but he isn't interested and the only time he came to watch a lesson he spent the whole hour staring at his ipad.

We hope in the future to be able to have a property with stables (my idea being I would at home and would be in and out so this would make it easier on him), but this is a few years off at the moment so not an option.  

This is also the main barrier to buying the loan pony I have, so I am keen to get this sorted.  I know some compromise is going to be involved here, but I could do with some advice please.
		
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Sounds a bit like my husband- i encouraged him to get a motorbike, which worked well!!


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## Jazzy B (28 August 2015)

I ended up divorcing my husband....  So prob not very much help  and now have loads of horsey time in my 30s...  

I would say, just keep the lines of communication open and dig in.  Compromise is important but so is being true to yourself.


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## Vicky Arabian (30 August 2015)

Hiya

I'm sure most of us horsewomen have this issue in the beginning. I too married my hubby and was always around until i got horses a few years later. We definitely went through a rough patch, especially as my horse was a 45 minute drive away, which added to the time away from home. Now I have moved him to a yard only 5 mins away which has helped.

I do have to make some sacrifices to my horsey time and be aware that the man needs me sometimes as much as the horse, its so easy to just get so absorbed into the equine world that its all you can think and talk about. Its all a juggling act. My OH likes a lie in on the weekend but I'm an early riser so this works perfectly as I pop out early go for a couple of hours hacking, I then come home (via the shops) with hot breakfast and he is usually vegged on the sofa and is happy to have food delivered to him.

Winter is always a tougher one as you do need more time at the yard to deal with all the extra tasks. Again i get up before work and do the main bulk of the chores so I can ensure im hope at a decent time in the evening to spend some time together (like your husband mines idea of quality time is vegging on the sofa watching tv shows).

I also took him to Burghley to watch the cross country, he is not horsey at all but became fascinated with the sheer size of the jumps and the power of the horses. I also got a power washer to do the stable mats, at which pointed he advised me it was a man's tool and took great delight in cleaning the mats for me! lol

It has taken a few years but he has got used to the horsey side of me and I have managed to get a good balance. The OH has also now got into golfing which has helped as now he has his own hobby to go off and do.


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## LHIS (30 August 2015)

Thank you ladies 
I had another discussion with hubby this weekend - we have agreed to both make an effort, I will try not to spend hours and hours at the yard, have 2 horse-free evenings and plan our meals better around my horsey evenings. Hubby has said he will come and watch me ride (a major breakthrough - my idea being he will see me in my element and it will help him understand) and be more helpful with prepping/making dinner. 
This weekend hubby went on duty for 10 hour shifts both Saturday and today, so I have had two wonderful horsey days. 

Re.those of you who have asked about his hobbies - he's what I call a sofa bear, he's just not an active busybody person so no chance of gym/golf unfortunately. He does have his volunteer role with the police though and enjoys that. 

The man shed is also going to be ordered quite soon. I'm also making a list of jobs that need doing..manly jobs that only he could do of course  first stop - jet wash the drive! That should buy me a few hours horse-ing! He's also expressed an interest in driving the tractor at the yard (after I spent a day driving it spreading a new surface in the school) so maybe that's my tempting carrot.


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## EQUIDAE (30 August 2015)

Him preparing dinner a few times a week (ie pulling his weight) should keep him busy and stop him clock watching 

I've found the men who get jealous are the ones who don't have a hobby - too much time on their hands to stew


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## mirage (31 August 2015)

My husband is non horsey and actually allergic to them. He enjoys shooting and likes to buy new guns,which I always encourage, because then he can't moan about how much I spend on the girl's ponies. He does moan that our weekends are nearly always spent 'horsing' so I try and make sure that we do other stuff too. It could be worse, at least I don't ride,otherwise he'd be well and truely outnumbered.


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## Gixxernic (3 September 2015)

This made me laugh &#128514;&#128514;.. My husband is the same, although we both race motorbikes too as a hobby together but he has the idea that horses are stinky smelly pointless money wasters &#128514;&#128514; yes every single one of my horses previous hated him! Even my rabbit used to attack and growl and bite him ..But my new boy loves him and i think although he doesn't want to ride he will help me if i want, and i will have a couple of nights off per week or do everything i need to do before he gets home so we can have our family time, its finding a balance, men are quite sensitive, and finding a good one is quite hard these days so if he is worth it explain that the horse isnt more important and you  will even out your time between them &#10084;&#65039;


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## electric_circus (3 September 2015)

My husband used to be jealous.  He took up an expensive and time-consuming sport which I heartily encouraged as it left me stacks of time to enjoy with my horse and no basis to complain about the ££ or the time.  He can actually ride, so eventually we got him a horse of his own.  Not a complaint has passed his lips since!


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## LHIS (3 September 2015)

Gixxernic said:



			This made me laugh &#55357;&#56834;&#55357;&#56834;.. My husband is the same, although we both race motorbikes too as a hobby together but he has the idea that horses are stinky smelly pointless money wasters &#55357;&#56834;&#55357;&#56834; yes every single one of my horses previous hated him! Even my rabbit used to attack and growl and bite him ..But my new boy loves him and i think although he doesn't want to ride he will help me if i want, and i will have a couple of nights off per week or do everything i need to do before he gets home so we can have our family time, its finding a balance, men are quite sensitive, and finding a good one is quite hard these days so if he is worth it explain that the horse isnt more important and you  will even out your time between them &#10084;&#65039;
		
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He is worth it, and I have said to him that he is more important to me than the horse, bless him.  He's yet to come to the yard, but it should hopefully happen soon.  He even agreed (well, he didn't say NO!) to me taking my pony on a full loan (currently I pay for a part loan) to see how we get on with that, and prepare us (him - I'm ready!) for ownership.


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## Gixxernic (3 September 2015)

Thats great! Buy him a pair of mucker boots and say to him you really need his help tonight, and hopefully that will bond them &#10084;&#65039;


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## LHIS (3 September 2015)

Gixxernic said:



			Thats great! Buy him a pair of mucker boots and say to him you really need his help tonight, and hopefully that will bond them &#10084;&#65039;
		
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I'm waiting for a suitably manly job I can allocate to him - maybe something that involves driving the tractor or jet washing some mats maybe 
If he actually gave my pony a chance I'm pretty sure he'd like him, he's just like a big dog and will lick him to death - hasn't got a nasty bone in his body, I just need to work out what my temptation carrot will be to get him there!


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## shadeofshyness (3 September 2015)

I can completely relate to this - and I'm in Cheshire too 

My OH didn't know much about the horsey side of me at first because I didn't drive so couldn't have a horse, so stuck to a lesson every few weeks. After a few years together I passed my test and we got a car. The first thing I did was get a share horse! I think it was a big shock for him as we went from being home at the same time every night and spending the evening together, and always going away for the weekend or having a day out, or a lie in etc.. to me being at the yard after work and not getting in till late (and not able to do anything till after a shower because of me being a sweaty mess!) and one weekend day being taken up with horsey stuff so we could never go shopping or have days out or weekends away without planning. 

It kind of ruins any impulsive/spontaneous things, which we used to do a lot. And as we don't live in a very horsey area I have always had about half an hour's drive to get to the yards I've been on, so an hour round trip... it does all add up and take its toll on quality time together, especially if you both work 9-5 and have commutes, friends, family time and other commitments around this. There aren't enough hours in the day! 

So I can understand the resentment. A share/loan really is a bind - perhaps more so than owning to them, because then you could decide to have full livery yourself and have full control of your time off from it all etc, whereas when someone else owns it you're more tied down as you are responsible for someone else's beloved animal and have to fit in with their routine.

Anyway after several years mine has got used to it! The deal is I make sure I do a Sunday instead of a Saturday now and then so we can do stuff when things are open at the weekend, and for week nights - I only do one night now because of work - he's made sure he plans his stuff around this so we're both busy at the same time. Having a flexible owner has really helped - if I let her know a few weeks in advance, she is fine with me changing days, and we tend to book holidays/weekends away in more advance now too and find the fun in the planning and research for them rather than dropping everything and jetting off. It's all give and take. 

Horses are a big shock to anyone outside of our world


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## Micropony (3 September 2015)

Gosh, this all sounds rather exhausting, makes me feel lucky to be single!


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## paddy555 (3 September 2015)

Micropony said:



			Gosh, this all sounds rather exhausting, makes me feel lucky to be single!
		
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I'm totally worn out reading it all! Much easier to find a man that likes horses and rides in the first place than try to train one.


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## Peregrine Falcon (3 September 2015)

paddy555 said:



			I'm totally worn out reading it all! Much easier to find a man that likes horses and rides in the first place than try to train one.
		
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All men need training regardless of whether it's horse related or not!


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