# Husband hates me having a horse and wants rid!



## sarah0307 (27 December 2020)

I am sooooo fed up of my husband causing me grief and moaning over my horse. I bought him last year- he is my first horse and he came along after.

I pay for him and anything to do with him. I also pay for half of the bills on our house. He has to look after the kids whilst I go to my boy. Well.....yes....it’s not fair I spend less time at home in the evenings etc etc. However- I’ve told him to get a hobby himself....he won’t. He also caused so so so may problems in our relationship a couple of years ago and literally went to the pub every day for 7 years of our relationship. He has made up for this in the last two years I must say.

I absolutely do not want to get rid of my horse and refuse to. But I can’t keep having the same arguement all the time. The arguement tonight was that in selfish for spending so much money on something that’s for me when it should be for family holidays etc.

Am I being unreasonable?


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## ownedbyaconnie (27 December 2020)

sarah0307 said:



			I pay for him and anything to do with him. I also pay for half of the bills on our house. He has to look after the kids whilst I go to my boy.
		
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Children that are his I assume? Who looks after them during the day? Who cooks their dinner, gets them ready for bed etc. Assuming you do your fair share then there is absolutely nothing wrong with him having sole responsibility of HIS children for a few hours.

I think having separate hobbies away from each other is one of the best things for a healthy relationship. As you say, you pay your share for the house and for the horse so I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

Re the holiday fund, do you not go on holidays at all or is he implying you could afford more/better if it weren’t for the horse?


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## sarah0307 (27 December 2020)

Yes- his children.  Two go to school during the day and I have our 8 month old baby. He cooks dinner- I clean the house.

we do go on holidays but he’s implying that we no longer will as I now have a horse and thinks I won’t be able to put in my share. He’s said if I didn’t have the horse we could pay for a holiday home abroad


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## Amymay (27 December 2020)

Tricky. Especially for him it seems having to look after _his own kids_ 🤷🏻‍♀️

But, jesting aside, I think it can be very hard for others to be on the sidelines to horse ownership. And to a degree I think that both parties have to be on board because of the impact it can have on family life (which I don’t think can be underestimated).

Are your kids involved too?


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## Pearlsasinger (27 December 2020)

Did you discuss buying the horse with husband, prior to the purchase?  What did husband say about the purchase then?  I must admit that all this 'his' and 'hers' division of money sounds very odd to me.  I would say that you are not being unreasonable, as most parents need  something for themselves, away from the children, unless you bought the horse without discussing the concept  and getting his agreement (not permission) first.


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## meleeka (27 December 2020)

Sorry I’d tell him in no uncertain terms that it’s not a debate you will be having. He sounds like a brat.


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## sarah0307 (27 December 2020)

Amymay In A Manger said:



			Tricky. Especially for him it seems having to look after _his own kids_ 🤷🏻‍♀️

But, jesting aside, I think it can be very hard for others to be on the sidelines to horse ownership. And to a degree I think that both parties have to be on board because of the impact it can have on family life (which I don’t think can be underestimated).

Are your kids involved too?
		
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He most definitely isn’t on board and I don’t think he ever will be. He says I choose the horse over him. I have four kids. 3 boys and a girl. The eldest isn’t interested (17) middle boy (10) couldn’t care less, youngest son (5) loves coming with me but has adhd and runs behind them etc so isn’t safe, baby girl (8 months) too young.


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## sarah0307 (27 December 2020)

meleeka said:



			Sorry I’d tell him in no uncertain terms that it’s not a debate you will be having. He sounds like a brat.
		
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Mmmm thats why we’ve had an immense argument. I’m selfish and he’s losing his patience with “this situation”


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## sarah0307 (27 December 2020)

Pearlsacarolsinger said:



			Did you discuss buying the horse with husband, prior to the purchase?  What did husband say about the purchase then?  I must admit that all this 'his' and 'hers' division of money sounds very odd to me.  I would say that you are not being unreasonable, as mot parents need  something for themselves, away from the children, unless you bought the horse without discussing the concept  and getting his agreement (not permission) first.
		
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yes I did. He didn’t really want me to get him in the first place but knew this was a life long dream since I was a little girl. He said he didn’t realise how much time it was going to take up.
The money thing- we were always “what’s mine is yours” and everything was “ours”. THEN- we broke up after he made some bad choices and I had to solely rely on my income and fend for ourselves. From then- I have vowed to be independent and never rely on him financially ever again


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## Amymay (27 December 2020)

Going to go against the grain here.  But sometimes we can’t have what we want, when we want it. For a multitude of reasons.

I would normally be in the ‘tell him to jog on’ camp.  But in this particular situation I do have some sympathy for him.

Sorry


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## Amun (27 December 2020)

I don't want to be judgy from a few posts but.... He went to the pub every day for 7 years. He feels it's not fair he should take care about his own kids. You pay everything half and half because you had a bad experience with him and you wish to be independent financially. He says you will never go on holiday because of your horse and that you should use your own money (as you keep finances separate) on something he wants, like this holiday home abroad. Horse doesn't sound like the problem here... No you are not unreasonable.


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## dogatemysalad (27 December 2020)

I actually do sympathise with the partners of horse owners. Horses take up an enormous amount of time and money. 
Successful relationships, particularly where children are involved, depend on compromise and goodwill. 
Have a conversation with your husband and look for a solution that doesn't leave him or you feeling like a victim. Your children are learning about relationships from you two.


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## Pearlsasinger (27 December 2020)

sarah0307 said:



			yes I did. He didn’t really want me to get him in the first place but knew this was a life long dream since I was a little girl. He said he didn’t realise how much time it was going to take up.
The money thing- we were always “what’s mine is yours” and everything was “ours”. THEN- we broke up after he made some bad choices and I had to solely rely on my income and fend for ourselves. From then- I have vowed to be independent and never rely on him financially ever again
		
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Ah, right, so was buying the horse a condition of you getting back together?  Could it be that he thinks you are still making him pay for his past mistakes? 

Is there any way that you can adjust your horse management so that you are at home more in the evenings?


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## Carmen6 (27 December 2020)

Sounds like narcissistic controling behaviour to me (having grown up with this behaviour from parent and sibling).  The horse wont be the problem, just a symptom of larger issues.


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## sarah0307 (27 December 2020)

Amymay In A Manger said:



			Going to go against the grain here.  But sometimes we can’t have what we want, when we want it. For a multitude of reasons.

I would normally be in the ‘tell him to jog on’ camp.  But in this particular situation I do have some sympathy for him.

Sorry
		
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What’s your reason for thinking that? What would you do? Get rid of your horse?


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## sarah0307 (27 December 2020)

Pearlsacarolsinger said:



			Ah, right, so was buying the horse a condition of you getting back together?  Could it be that he thinks you are still making him pay for his past mistakes?

Is there any way that you can adjust your horse management so that you are at home more in the evenings?
		
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No it wasn’t a condition. It was something I just wanted to do for myself. Before I got my horse I use to go to the gym everyday and he hated that too. 
im trying to find a solution...and that is to go on full livery and then he complains about the money......which he doesn’t pay for!


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## Amymay (27 December 2020)

sarah0307 said:



			What’s your reason for thinking that? What would you do? Get rid of your horse?
		
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I think under the circumstances I wouldn’t have bought one in the first place, and would have looked for a share instead.

But of course, we’re all different.  Sadly I don’t think any of us have the answers your looking for.


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## brighteyes (27 December 2020)

Just kill him until he is dead. Enjoy your horse.


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## PurBee (27 December 2020)

sarah0307 said:



			No it wasn’t a condition. It was something I just wanted to do for myself. Before I got my horse I use to go to the gym everyday and he hated that too.
im trying to find a solution...and that is to go on full livery and then he complains about the money......which he doesn’t pay for!
		
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He wants you to mirror him. From his point of view He’s given up 7 yrs of drinking daily with his mates and hasn’t found a hobby outside of family (?), so because he’s given up his ‘hobby’, he wants you to too. 
If it was JUST the horse he moaned about i could understand his POV somewhat from a time/money perspective...not necessarily agree - but as youve said he wanted you to give up the gym too....im afraid he wants you to be without a hobby, like him, and focus just on family.

Freedom in relationships make them last....conditions and control crumble them permanently. 
When we have family and animals to care for, sometimes we forget ourselves too. So you both should have your hobby/ies, you both should enjoy togetherness with all the kids, you both should have individual focuses aswell as combined focuses. 
If there’s just one ‘view/focus’ being ‘allowed’ in this ...thats the root problem, not the horse or kids....

Can you think of a hobby he’s mentioned over the years and encourage him to develop it? If he’s got his ‘own thing’, he might not feel so bothered about yours..?


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## BatHorse (27 December 2020)

sarah0307 said:



			What’s your reason for thinking that? What would you do? Get rid of your horse?
		
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I would get rid.......of the husband

Or if that's not an option could you get a sharer to ride a couple of evenings a week for you?


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## ycbm (27 December 2020)

How much time are you actually spending with the horse? 
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## Upthecreek (27 December 2020)

I’ve been married for a long time to the most amazing man who has supported me and our three children in everything we have wanted to do. Two out of three are horsey, so he takes our son to football training and matches (he loves rugby), whilst I play ponies with the girls. I accommodate his fishing trips. Being in a loving relationship is about compromise, acceptance and doing what you can to make the other person happy without guilt tripping them. Any joy to be found in our ‘hobbies’ is quickly cancelled out by this kind of behaviour.


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## meleeka (27 December 2020)

sarah0307 said:



			No it wasn’t a condition. It was something I just wanted to do for myself. Before I got my horse I use to go to the gym everyday and he hated that too. 
im trying to find a solution...and that is to go on full livery and then he complains about the money......which he doesn’t pay for!
		
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This rings alarm bells. I don’t think it’s really about the horse.  It’s about you having your own life.  
If you can find a small compromise, say full livery for part of the week, would he be ok with that?  My guess is he’d find something else to complain about but it could be worth exploring. 
I’ve managed to bring up two kids, with a husband who works long hours.  We made it work because we respected each other’s right to do things that we enjoyed (he does mountain biking) Being a parent is hard, so time to yourself is even more important I think.


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## SO1 (27 December 2020)

Maybe it is jealousy, you are out in the evenings enjoying your horse whilst he feels stuck at home with the kids and he can't go and do what he wants to do which it sounds like is going to the pub with his mates if that is what he did every evening for 7 years. 

Maybe he is not enjoying his life and seeing you out enjoying yourself reminds of this. It does not sound like he was enjoying time at home if he was choosing to go to the pub every evening. Tricky as he is partially responsible for the kids but at the same time needs to have some pleasure in his life and maybe the holiday home is something he feels the whole family can  enjoy together, whereas the horse is for you and it means he has to spend more time on his own with the kids which he might not enjoy. Could you perhaps look at getting a babysitter or paying your 17 year old to look after the younger children a couple of evenings a week so he can go out with his mates to the pub and you can see your horse.


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## Goldenstar (27 December 2020)

I dont think you will change him so have a long hard think about the rest of your life .


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## honetpot (28 December 2020)

I have been married to my husband for a long time, and when the kids were small I did everything, because he worked long hours and was knackered at the weekends. I also worked and had a horse and later the children had ponies.
  He has no interest in animals, and sometimes he thinks they are a tie and can be really quite shitty about them. I pin him down, hard. What is it that makes him unhappy, and how would me not having them make him happier, and why should my happiness be subservient to his? There is usually no answer, because our lifestyle comes as a package, which he likes as a whole and the animals are part of it.  My animals keep me sane, give me an interest in life and I have paid for them, when I could have sat at home. I never stop him from doing anything, when he had no hobby I encouraged him to have one.
  You have to decide what life you want, he may feel insecure because you can cope without him, you are independent, but really that is what you should want for your partner, and eventually your children. He should really see that you chose to make a family with him, when you could have managed without him, who would want to be with someone because they had to?
  You can not make someone else happy, I could not change my husband, and he has had to accept he can not change me. I could not make him take up a hobby, but by the same token he could not make me give up mine. I sort of try and make it as easy as possible for him, but there is a line in the sand. So if you want to make, and 'us' pot of money, or some other joint gesture, but it has to be joint. You should never have to give up something you love to make someone else happy.
  The last row we had he brought up 'my sheds', even though his shed is much smarter, and we have spent far more money on them, at my suggestion, and he has no use for, 'my sheds'. Forty years, and we are arguing over sheds, bonkers.


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## tallyho! (28 December 2020)

Who's allowed to go on holidays exactly? We are in the middle of a pandemic. 

It's so important as a woman and a mother to be able to have your own outlet. You deserve it! You work, you've brought up 4 children and sadly you've happened to have a 5th. What you do with your money is your prerogative as long as it's not affecting your ability to provide enough for the children you're winning. 

If you really must, get the calculator out and divvy it all up 50/50 with him if that's the justification he needs. Don't forget to add in what it cost you to go it alone while he flounced off like some sort of primadonna toddler. Tot up the pub spend aswell. This is the reality of a negotiative relationship. Work out if there's any love there whilst you've got the books out.

The way I see this going unfortunately though is that you either reduce time with the horse somehow or become 100% independent. You may have to pay a babysitter while you see to the horse but oh the weight that will have been lifted will be blissful...


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## asmp (28 December 2020)

Not much to add as, like someone posted above, my horse keeps me sane, especially in this horrible year.

Instead of full livery, would it be possible to do part livery a few nights a week, perhaps even paying a fellow livery to do it?  I agree that you shouldn’t have to do this but again, I realise that horses do take up a lot of time.


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## teddypops (28 December 2020)

You are definitely not being unreasonable,  your husband is. I would have to set him straight once and for all. This sounds like it’s more about control than the horse. From what you have said, you have everything sorted moneywise and kid wise, so really your husband should be happy for you that you have a hobby which you enjoy. We are long past the times of a wife obeying her husband.


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## ycbm (28 December 2020)

I don't think any of us know whether you are being unreasonable or not until you tell us how much time you are actually spending with the horse. 
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## millikins (28 December 2020)

Not much to add to the above points except after 7+ years together, if you were going to have a holiday home abroad it would have happened by now, the horse has nothing to do with it.
The relationship I had with my daughter's father was controlling and abusive. He had a dog when we met but she died (old age). After about a year I decided I was getting another, he did agree but it was me pushing it because I wanted something that was mine. It was the start of me reasserting my independence, I very much wanted the dog but she was also symbolic and the relationship ended a year later.
I'm not saying your reasons for buying the horse are the same  but if you get rid of him you will be bitterly resentful I imagine. As for compromises, could you find a sharer a couple of days a week, reduce costs and allow more family time?


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## Sandstone1 (28 December 2020)

Thing is horses are pretty much a way of life not just a hobby.  With four children and a husband not behind you its going to be difficult for you.


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## Ownedby4horses (28 December 2020)

I’m afraid only you can make the decision, we are just a bunch of (great) strangers on a forum. 

From an outside perspective, it sounds initially like very controlling behaviour but I suspect there is a lot more to it if we were able to hear hubby’s side to it. 

I used to have a livery who had two children and a new husband, she worked very long hours and worked away a lot in the week. every minute of spare time she would be at my yard, including all day Saturday and all day sunday. She even brought down magazines to read in the tack room and her lunch, hubby was left to look after the kids and he worked full time too, it worked for them but how I don’t know, as she never seemed to see them or be at home.


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## Red-1 (28 December 2020)

sarah0307 said:



*He has to look after the kids* whilst I go to my boy. *Well.....yes....it’s not fair I spend less time at home in the evenings etc etc*. However- I’ve told him to get a hobby himself....he won’t. He also caused so so so may problems in our relationship a couple of years ago and literally went to the pub every day for 7 years of our relationship. He has made up for this in the last two years I must say.

Am I being unreasonable?
		
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Erm, you said yourself, in your first post, that the current situation isn't fair. Also, I don't see why he *has to* look after the kids? Who says? Are there no babysitters where you live? Is a 17 year old not old enough to cope? Can you not manage 2 or 3 evenings a week not seeing the horse (a sharer would help there)?

From my perspective, he had a hobby, it was going to the pub. Did you join his hobby? Did you insist he *has *to give it up? Why does he not go to the pub now? Was it so bad, to go to the pub with mates? Did he have to give up the pub so you could go to the gym every night? Was that because he *had to* look after the kids? Could the gym not have been straight from work, so home for 7, then he could go to the pub?

Also, you have told him to get a hobby himself. Is this supposed to be a home-based hobby, so he can also look after the kids?

I think relationships are about compromise, and I don't see any from you to him at this moment in time. I don't think he is behaving well either, seems there isn't much love or respect either way. I have concentrated on you because you are the only thing that you can change. You can't change him, only he can do that. To change to want things you want, he would need motivation. He is trying to change things, family holidays, time spent together, you don't seem motivated to do that. Stalemate.

The man is unhappy. You are unhappy (if posting on a forum is anything to go by). With 2 unhappy parents, I dare say your kids feel that. Are the kids important to you both? Who takes them to the various clubs etc? What are the kids' hobbies?

I think you need to talk. It sounds like marriage guidance would help with that. I can recommend it.

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect him to stay at home every night if you have communication and a relationship where he feels valued for doing it and he feels he has a say in the matter.

I do think it is unreasonable to expect him to stay at home every night, where he has no choice in this, where his past mistakes are waved at him, where he is not 'allowed,' and provision made for him, to go to the pub.

Marriage guidance will hep you to find some common goals. Or, it may show you that you have no common goals. Hopefully you can find some middle ground, and some love and respect for each other.


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## milliepops (28 December 2020)

impossible to make a judgement either way from the info given so far but I think red sums up a good balance of where I am personally.  I think ycbm's question is also relevant. I have a friend who would spend 5 min at the yard in the evening, just to see her horse's head over the door and was then summoned back home, on the other hand, I can spend hours with the horses without OH even noticing I'm not there, so the length of time spent each night is relevant too.

I do think horses are a very difficult hobby to slot into a relationship with someone that doesn't "get it". I've been given the ultimatum before and picked the horse, but that was not a committed long term relationship with children to complicate the issue, so I don't think its as simple as just give the man the boot. so much depends on the rest of the relationship and plans for the future.

It makes me feel very lucky to have a horsey husband who -although he doesn't ride now, really understands the time commitment and fills his time happily with his own stuff. we also have no other dependents


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## shamrock2021 (28 December 2020)

To be honest growing up my brother and sister hated me having a horse and nothing really changed that even as adults .  They just wasn’t into horse and they ware not big animal lovers. So they could not understand why spend so much money or time  on horse. So people don’t understand the whole horse thing and nothing can change that. To be honest maybe try full livery. He does sound very controlling to me though.


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## Kat (28 December 2020)

It is difficult from your posts to know exactly what is going on but he sounds controlling and the relationship sounds unhealthy. Are you genuinely happier back together?


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## Goldenstar (28 December 2020)

In these situations ask your self is it the horse or if there was no horse would be something else .


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## AUB (28 December 2020)

Could a sharer be a compromise? I, too, have both horse, husband, child (hopefully more one day) and a fulltime job. And I totally get that it’s not that great to be with someone that goes to the yard 3 hours EVERY evening and leaves you alone with x children. 

I’ve found a very sweet girl who’s at university and neither has time nor money for a horse of her own. At the same time I can only go in the evening because of work, so in the winter I can’t hack out much.
She hacks my mare twice weekly and then I normally also give the horse a day off most weeks. That gives me 3 evenings where I’m home with the family all evening and we can spend time together. That makes the 4 days I go to the yard more acceptable.


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## luckyoldme (28 December 2020)

I can see his pov to be honest.
I can only speak for how it works in my own relationship..but here goes.
The big things need to be agreed on or a compromise found.
The op said her husband didn't want a horse . But she got one anyways..meaning that every night he is responsible for childcare. How wouldn't this lead to resentment?
I know my opinion will be hugely unpopular on this thread but It's fair to say that most folk on here would lean towards the horse rather than the husband !


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## teddypops (28 December 2020)

luckyoldme said:



			I can see his pov to be honest.
I can only speak for how it works in my own relationship..but here goes.
The big things need to be agreed on or a compromise found.
The op said her husband didn't want a horse . But she got one anyways..meaning that every night he is responsible for childcare. How wouldn't this lead to resentment?
I know my opinion will be hugely unpopular on this thread but It's fair to say that most folk on here would lean towards the horse rather than the husband !
		
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I agree re compromise but she said husband wants her to get rid of horse completely, no mention of cutting down the time she spends with horse. That’s not compromise to me, that’s trying to control.


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## honetpot (28 December 2020)

AUB said:



			And I totally get that it’s not that great to be with someone that goes to the yard 3 hours EVERY evening and leaves you alone with x children.
		
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 This makes me smile so much. Usually it's the women who gets left alone with the children, usually for a lot more than three hours. I used to take the children out of his way for the weekend, just so he could be alone, so if I spent every day with the horse I think it's a good deal.
  My tactic is if he wants me at home make work, or go out to work, and then he gets to look after them, and then he can not complain. My husband is a very good dad, but on his terms and in small doses.


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## Amymay (28 December 2020)

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## brighteyes (28 December 2020)

Did he want you as a house-keeper and babysitter? How long have you been together/married and is the horse a new idea or have you always done horse stuff, just not had your own? How are you managing the baby in all this?

I can imagine he IS a bit put out, selfishly, but then in my experience, men often seem to be resentful of things that take up time which might otherwise be useful to or spent on them - particularly the extensive amounts that horses do.


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## ownedbyaconnie (28 December 2020)

it’s a fine balance between not needing permission from your OH but having their blessing sure comes in handy with something like a horse that is such a huge commitment. My OH knows how miserable I am without a horse and he also knows what a sacrifice being an Army “WAG” is. Uprooting my life every few years has its ups and downs and having the horsey world to rely on to make friends and have a purpose outside of work no matter where in the country means it’s a “burden” my OH is willing to carry 😂

I think tbh this is a frank conversation you need to have eith your OH. What is it exactly he resents and how can you BOTH compromise to keep everyone happy.


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## Gloi (28 December 2020)

BatHorse said:



			I would get rid.......of the husband

Or if that's not an option could you get a sharer to ride a couple of evenings a week for you?
		
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Yes, that would keep the husband occupied and give you more time with your horse. 😋


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## PurBee (28 December 2020)

BatHorse said:
I would get rid.......of the husband

Or if that's not an option could you get a sharer to ride a couple of evenings a week for you?


Gloing in the dark:
Yes, that would keep the husband occupied and give you more time with your horse. 😋


😂🤣


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## SusieT (28 December 2020)

It sounds like he wants you to be at home in the evenings and not doing anything?
I think it is important that at least one parent is home every evening - can you agree you will be out e.g. 2 evenings a week each, in 1 evening together + weekend evenings and out 1 weekend day, the other one is for family time? 
Depends how long doing the horse takes- e..g 20min of an eve if close by to muck out/put in might be easily done, but two hours every evening is hard to justify when you have 4 kids i'd say.
It sounds like there is more to the problems than the husband. If you were on your own with four kids would you keep the horse? in which case- keep it. 
Also - there is a point about family holidays - you do need to be not using all the family income on the horse unless you are able to comfortably give the kids what they need and holidays dont put you into debt etc.

It is a tricky one, but sounds like compromise is needed and maybe relationship is the problem not the horse?


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## smolmaus (28 December 2020)

sarah0307 said:



			No it wasn’t a condition. It was something I just wanted to do for myself. Before I got my horse I use to go to the gym everyday and he hated that too.
im trying to find a solution...and that is to go on full livery and then he complains about the money......which he doesn’t pay for!
		
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This bit sticks out for me. It's the obvious solution to what he says the issue is but he still has a problem with it. 

I think you need to lay out the consequences of you doing exactly what he wants and getting rid of the horse. Resentment, feeling punished, under valued, like YOUR money isn't actually your money because he's telling you what to do with it, like you aren't allowed your own life. I'm spitballing here from imagining what I would feel in that situation obviously but it sounds like he needs it spelled out to him that getting rid of the horse isn't going to be consequence free. You can't wave a wand and undo the whole thing. 

It sounds like he wasn't fully briefed of the consequences going in either (RE: time and money) which you should probably take some responsibility for, but the situation is what it is now. 

I'd recommend spending this years holiday money on a therapist though really. Its not going to be an easy conversation for either of you.


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## Tiddlypom (28 December 2020)

I feel most sorry for the children in all of this.


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## Ish2020 (28 December 2020)

it sounds like he has a problem  with you spending your own money on your horse or in general by the sounds of it . He also sounds like he has a addiction to drink which would make sense . People who have that problem are actually very  selfish and would spend the whole family earning on drink. My grandad had that addiction and my mam grow up with nothing as a result spending 7 days in the pub is not normal. He also sounds very controlling I think you need to think about this relationship leaving the horse out of this. You buying the horse might be  showing the problem in your relationship.


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## ponyparty (28 December 2020)

Hmm... I think there's a big difference between having horses as a hobby (or the gym, as OP says was her previous hobby), and going to the pub 7 nights a week (presumably getting drunk - which is not good for your health, or a good role model for children, and potentially actually quite damaging).
It does sound to me, from what you've said, OP, as though he will have a problem with whatever hobby you choose; but also agree with other posters that owning a horse is all-consuming, so without knowing full details (how long you spend at the yard/how many nights/weekend days per week etc) then it's hard to pass judgement.
Is your horse on full livery? Are you on maternity leave? What will happen when you go back to work if so?
I found it difficult enough with just one baby and horse and supportive OH (although granted I did have a run of terrible luck, including a badly broken hand which made everything 10 times more difficult!) so I can't imagine 4 kids plus horse! I've now just picked up part-loaning again, 3 days per week, and that's plenty - my son has just turned 2.


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## brighteyes (28 December 2020)

Tiddlypom said:



			I feel most sorry for the children in all of this.
		
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So do I. Stuck at home with Mr Miseryguts. She should buy them all ponies!


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## Cloball (28 December 2020)

To me it sounds like compromise is not an option ...if you've already said full livery was turned down as it cost too much and the gym was too much (though that can't be more than an hour/hour and a half in the evenings max!)


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## ponyparty (28 December 2020)

Ah I missed that full livery was turned down. But if OP is the one paying for it, how can he turn it down?! Nowt to do with him, provided it's not decimating her finances.


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## Cloball (28 December 2020)

ponyparty said:



			Ah I missed that full livery was turned down. But if OP is the one paying for it, how can he turn it down?! Nowt to do with him, provided it's not decimating her finances.
		
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I think because he wants a holiday home. 

I think he has an idea of how he wants his life (holiday home etc.) and you having a different dreams doesn't fit into it.


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## ycbm (28 December 2020)

ponyparty said:



			Ah I missed that full livery was turned down. But if OP is the one paying for it, how can he turn it down?! Nowt to do with him, provided it's not decimating her finances.
		
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Maybe she used to pay a half share of family luxuries/better holidays/newer cars/meals out  and that goes out of the window if the horse goes full livery, if it hasn't already? 

We simply aren't getting enough information to make a judgement here.  The first bit being the question Sarah doesn't seem to want to answer,  how long she is spending with the horse. 

I certainly don't feel able with the detail that we have so far  to judge a man who got his shit together after having what sounds like  an alcohol dependency, recovered his relationship with his wife and kids,  has four children,  one still a baby,  who had a discussion about horse ownership where he made it clear he was uncomfortable,  but the horse was bought anyway.


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## milliepops (28 December 2020)

The OP hasn't been on the forum since last night.


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## ponyparty (28 December 2020)

Yep, we just don't have all the information. I know how it sounds to me, but I'm filling in the blanks with assumptions which could be way off the mark. 

ycbm that's a very good point, looking at it from the perspective of "he's turned his life around" rather than "he did xyz"... 

Wonder if OP will be back


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## Flyermc (28 December 2020)

ycbm said:



			Maybe she used to pay a half share of family luxuries/better holidays/newer cars/meals out  and that goes out of the window if the horse goes full livery, if it hasn't already?

We simply aren't getting enough information to make a judgement here.  The first bit being the question Sarah doesn't seem to want to answer,  how long she is spending with the horse.

I certainly don't feel able with the detail that we have so far  to judge a man who got his shit together after having what sounds like  an alcohol dependency, recovered his relationship with his wife and kids,  has four children,  one still a baby,  who had a discussion about horse ownership where he made it clear he was uncomfortable,  but the horse was bought anyway.
		
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i agree, and also that 8 month old and young kids can go to the yard, but it does make it alot more difficult to do what 'you' want. It sounds abit like the OP doesnt want to take the kids?

Im not sure id really happy if i was left with 4 kids each and everyday and would also have concerns about the money impacts of full livery. Having 4 kids wouldnt be cheap


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## PurBee (28 December 2020)

Flyermc said:



			i agree, and also that 8 month old and young kids can go to the yard, but it does make it alot more difficult to do what 'you' want. It sounds abit like the OP doesnt want to take the kids?

Im not sure id really happy if i was left with 4 kids each and everyday and would also have concerns about the money impacts of full livery. Having 4 kids wouldnt be cheap
		
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im sure op will return and fill in the blanks for us when she gets a chance, but from what she’s already said, when they split up, she was earning and looking after the kids herself. So she’s financially independent to look after them, house and have a horse hobby. 

Also, i dont think dad is looking after the kids every day and night, just evenings when op goes to do her horse,  from whats already been said.


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## ycbm (28 December 2020)

.


PurBee said:



			im sure op will return and fill in the blanks for us when she gets a chance, but from what she’s already said, when they split up, she was earning and looking after the kids herself. So she’s financially independent to look after them, house and have a horse hobby.
		
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I don't read it that way. Horse arrived after husband was back paying half the bills, shortly followed by the baby. If she has to pay all the bills and pay babysitters the horse may have to go anyway  we don't know.


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## Circe2 (1 January 2021)

This thread makes me so sad. I know this sounds horrible, but I’m sad OP had another child with this man. Now she’s tied to him for even longer. A full time job, a house, holidays, four kids (including a baby) and a husband who acts like a toddler basically adds up to a superhuman feat to manage. Especially if the horse isn’t on full livery! 

Realistically, the 17 year old should be out of your hair soon enough, although there will be university fees to pay (I imagine). Nobody’s going on holidays anytime soon, and to be honest, that sounds like the least of any sane human’s priorities right now. Buying abroad (in Europe) is about to get a lot more complicated as well, so if that’s something your husband wants to sort out on his own, he can be your guest. I would also get a sharer for the horse, maybe 3 days a week, and put the horse on part livery (that way, the sharer contributes to the part livery cost). It frees you up enough to stop your husband from whinging (one hopes - it might just be a control thing, in which case he’ll whinge anyway). He definitely needs to get his own hobby though, although that’s pretty difficult with 3 kids at/under 10. 

If it really is a control thing, which I worry it might be (because of the gym comment - sounds like he’s keen to have you barefoot + pregnant, but also financing his lifestyle), at least you know you have the resources to go your own way. Please just be true to yourself and don’t get guilted into anything - you sound like a really competent person, a massively high achiever, and someone with a crazy amount of energy to handle all of this. Don’t let him ruin that.


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## Keira 8888 (1 January 2021)

Red-1 said:



			Erm, you said yourself, in your first post, that the current situation isn't fair. Also, I don't see why he *has to* look after the kids? Who says? Are there no babysitters where you live? Is a 17 year old not old enough to cope? Can you not manage 2 or 3 evenings a week not seeing the horse (a sharer would help there)?

From my perspective, he had a hobby, it was going to the pub. Did you join his hobby? Did you insist he *has *to give it up? Why does he not go to the pub now? Was it so bad, to go to the pub with mates? Did he have to give up the pub so you could go to the gym every night? Was that because he *had to* look after the kids? Could the gym not have been straight from work, so home for 7, then he could go to the pub?

Also, you have told him to get a hobby himself. Is this supposed to be a home-based hobby, so he can also look after the kids?

I think relationships are about compromise, and I don't see any from you to him at this moment in time. I don't think he is behaving well either, seems there isn't much love or respect either way. I have concentrated on you because you are the only thing that you can change. You can't change him, only he can do that. To change to want things you want, he would need motivation. He is trying to change things, family holidays, time spent together, you don't seem motivated to do that. Stalemate.

The man is unhappy. You are unhappy (if posting on a forum is anything to go by). With 2 unhappy parents, I dare say your kids feel that. Are the kids important to you both? Who takes them to the various clubs etc? What are the kids' hobbies?

I think you need to talk. It sounds like marriage guidance would help with that. I can recommend it.

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect him to stay at home every night if you have communication and a relationship where he feels valued for doing it and he feels he has a say in the matter.

I do think it is unreasonable to expect him to stay at home every night, where he has no choice in this, where his past mistakes are waved at him, where he is not 'allowed,' and provision made for him, to go to the pub.

Marriage guidance will hep you to find some common goals. Or, it may show you that you have no common goals. Hopefully you can find some middle ground, and some love and respect for each other.
		
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Yes. Totally agree with this


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## Keira 8888 (1 January 2021)

Circe2 said:



			This thread makes me so sad. I know this sounds horrible, but I’m sad OP had another child with this man. Now she’s tied to him for even longer. A full time job, a house, holidays, four kids (including a baby) and a husband who acts like a toddler basically adds up to a superhuman feat to manage. Especially if the horse isn’t on full livery! 

Realistically, the 17 year old should be out of your hair soon enough, although there will be university fees to pay (I imagine). Nobody’s going on holidays anytime soon, and to be honest, that sounds like the least of any sane human’s priorities right now. Buying abroad (in Europe) is about to get a lot more complicated as well, so if that’s something your husband wants to sort out on his own, he can be your guest. I would also get a sharer for the horse, maybe 3 days a week, and put the horse on part livery (that way, the sharer contributes to the part livery cost). It frees you up enough to stop your husband from whinging (one hopes - it might just be a control thing, in which case he’ll whinge anyway). He definitely needs to get his own hobby though, although that’s pretty difficult with 3 kids at/under 10. 

If it really is a control thing, which I worry it might be (because of the gym comment - sounds like he’s keen to have you barefoot + pregnant, but also financing his lifestyle), at least you know you have the resources to go your own way. Please just be true to yourself and don’t get guilted into anything - you sound like a really competent person, a massively high achiever, and someone with a crazy amount of energy to handle all of this. Don’t let him ruin that.
		
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This 🙌🙌🙌


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## ycbm (1 January 2021)

Circe2 said:



			a husband who acts like a toddler
		
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Is he acting like a toddler if she spends every evening at the stables and comes home at nine expecting the meal on the table (he cooks,  she's already said,  she's not a domestic slave)   and the younger children bathed and in bed?





			He definitely needs to get his own hobby though, although that’s pretty difficult with 3 kids at/under 10.
		
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So how does this fit with him 'acting like a toddler' for being upset that after discussing it and explaining he wasn't happy with the idea,  she went and got one of the most expensive, time consuming and  out-of-home hobbies there is?  
.


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## ycbm (1 January 2021)

We could do with some more information about how much time you spend with the horse and how much it would affect the family finances if you spent more money on full livery.  Did you know you were pregnant when you bought the horse? The timing must have been close if she's 8 months and you bought him some time in 2019? I could completely understand your husband not wanting you to buy him at the time and being annoyed now if you knew there was another baby on the way.
.


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## Starzaan (1 January 2021)

I hate to say it, but I would bin him. There’s no way I would want to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t want me to be happy.


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## teddypops (1 January 2021)

ycbm said:



			We could do with some more information about how much time you spend with the horse and how much it would affect the family finances if you spent more money on full livery.  Did you know you were pregnant when you bought the horse? The timing must have been close if she's 8 months and you bought him some time in 2019? I could completely understand your husband not wanting you to buy him at the time and being annoyed now if you knew there was another baby on the way.
.
		
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Is it about the horse though? OP said he was the same about her going to the gym.


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## ycbm (1 January 2021)

We don't know how much time she spent at the gym either.  I just don't think there's enough information here to condemn the husband,  who has spent some years spending a lot of time in the pub,  but has "made up for it in the last two years". And now,  perhaps,  find his reward for "making up for it" is to be left on his own with their kids for we don't know how much of his time out of work.

I have to say that if I was married to a man who told me that he did not want me to buy a horse and could rationally explain why,  then I'd get rid of the husband or not buy the horse.

This bloke has had a new baby and horse ownership introduced at practically the same time,  only one (presumably)  by his choice. I think that's a big ask, myself. 
.


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## Pinkvboots (1 January 2021)

Your husband sounds like a childish control freak I would seriously consider your future with this man.


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## teddypops (1 January 2021)

ycbm said:



			We don't know how much time she spent at the gym either.  I just don't think there's enough information here to condemn the husband,  who has spent some years spending a lot of time in the pub,  but has "made up for it in the last two years". And now,  perhaps,  find his reward for "making up for it" is to be left on his own with their kids for we don't know how much of his time out of work.

I have to say that if I was married to a man who told me that he did not want me to buy a horse and could rationally explain why,  then I'd get rid of the husband or not buy the horse.

This bloke has had a new baby and horse ownership introduced at practically the same time,  only one (presumably)  by his choice. I think that's a big ask, myself. 
.
		
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It doesn’t really matter though because she’s an adult and no husband should be deciding what his wife does. I’m assuming he agreed to the baby and it’s not his first. A compromise could be discussed and agreed to but not a straight ‘get rid of the horse’, ‘don’t go to the gym’. He wants the money spent on a holiday home, so it sounds to me like he wants everything his way.


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## Circe2 (1 January 2021)

ycbm said:



			Is he acting like a toddler if she spends every evening at the stables and comes home at nine expecting the meal on the table (he cooks,  she's already said,  she's not a domestic slave)   and the younger children bathed and in bed?




So how does this fit with him 'acting like a toddler' for being upset that after discussing it and explaining he wasn't happy with the idea,  she went and got one of the most expensive, time consuming and  out-of-home hobbies there is?  
.
		
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Personally I find anyone unwilling to compromise to act like a toddler - I get that he’s doing evening childcare, but I imagine she does a fair bit of childcare too (just not in the evenings). Realistically the 17 year old doesn’t need looking after, and she’s taking the baby with her to the yard - so he’s spending 3 hours most evenings looking after a 5 and 10 year old, which isn’t actually that bad, depending on how much she’s done with them during the day. He sounds like he’s completely unwilling to see beyond the fact that he’s stopped going to the pub and wants to go on pricy holidays/get a holiday house. 

I’m not saying she’s making their lives easy by not having a sharer (she absolutely needs to get one), but he’s coming across as quite controlling by not being willing to work with her at all re finding what works for them both. If he was more flexible and supportive they could work out an evening rota that means she spends 3 evenings a week with her family, and he could choose to either be there during that time, or get an evening hobby too and let her have the kids. He just seems to be fixated on that the horse needs to go, and that’s no way to treat something your partner loves. I know that I wouldn’t be with my partner if he tried to force my hand like that. Thankfully I’ve got my horse, he’s got his motorcycles and gaming, and we make it work because we love one another and respect that we both need individual hobbies and space, and are much happier for it. That same respect and tolerance sorely seems to be lacking here. If he’s a pub sort of guy, could she not take over after she comes home from the yard, and he can go to the pub a bit with his mates (obviously we’re talking non-covid times here)?


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## ycbm (1 January 2021)

PurBee said:



			im sure op will return and fill in the blanks for us when she gets a chance,
		
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It would appear not,  even though she has been back on the forum recently.  Another new user lobbing in a controversial first ever post and disappearing.  It feels like there have been a lot of those lately. 
.


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## PurBee (1 January 2021)

ycbm said:



			It would appear not,  even though she has been back on the forum recently.  Another new user lobbing in a controversial first ever post and disappearing.  It feels like there have been a lot of those lately.
.
		
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Perhaps she had a rant in the moment, just to offload, and then when questions came from us all about needing more info, it can easily feel a bit too personal and she didnt want to go down that road! Understandable, but no-one can give any advice on what we’d do, without knowing specifics.
I just hope our replies have given her enough perspective to find the solutions she needs to steady the rocky relationship boat.


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## Tiddlypom (1 January 2021)

ycbm said:



			It would appear not,  even though she has been back on the forum recently.  Another new user lobbing in a controversial first ever post and disappearing.  It feels like there have been a lot of those lately.
.
		
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OP has only posted on this thread and no other since joining very recently, and all the posts were on put up the same day, Sunday last.

But she was last logged in on the forum yesterday at 09.42.

Clippity clop.


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## Winters100 (4 January 2021)

In all honesty anything which takes up a lot of time, whether it is a hobby or a business, takes a lot of goodwill and compromise from both parties.  I don't think it matters whether the amount of time spent with the horse seems excessive to us, to her husband it is excessive, so that is his reality.  This may be an unpopular opinion, but I have always found that if you treat your OH well and do not give them reason to complain about domestic issues, then how much time you are outside the house becomes immaterial to them.  OP, if I were you I would try to have a good talk about how his life can be improved.  Explain that you would be very upset to let the horse go, but be open to compromise.  Also keep in mind that if you were at home taking care of the children while he spent the same amount of time and money on a different hobby what would you honestly feel about it?  Try to manage your household as efficiently as possible so he always has a hot meal on the table at the right time and small tasks like ironing etc are all done before he asks.  I find that I can do quite a lot of the cooking by preparing things in advance - a nice casserole can be prepared the night before and popped in the oven to be ready in time for his return, so why would he mind that I have been out all day at the office and / or horses.  Every relationship is different, but I have to say that compared to mine you are asking quite a lot of him.  I also earn my own money, so I know that it is sometimes difficult to juggle business, horses and managing a household, but with the right organisation it can be done. Good luck and I hope that you manage to sort this out.


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## ycbm (4 January 2021)

Winters100 said:



			This may be an unpopular opinion, but I have always found that if you treat your OH well and do not give them reason to complain about domestic issues, then how much time you are outside the house becomes immaterial to them. ......  Try to manage your household as efficiently as possible so he always has a hot meal on the table at the right time and small tasks like ironing etc are all done before he asks.  I find that I can do quite a lot of the cooking by preparing things in advance - a nice casserole can be prepared the night before and popped in the oven to be ready in time for his return, so why would he mind that I have been out all day at the office and / or horses.
		
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I honestly read this and wondered what century you were in Winters. I do mean that affectionately,  but I can't get my head around advice to have a hot meal on the table and my husband's ironing done before he asks,  and I'm in my sixties.

With my OH it is of far more concern to him now much time I actively want to spend in his company than it ever was whether I had ironed his shirts,  which in 42 years of marriage,  I never have.

When I was working full time I had my own self imposed rules that I never rode the horse more than 2 work evenings out of five,  was always home for lunch at weekends unless he was with me competing,  never competed both days at weekends,  and rarely competed two weekends in a row.  Because I wanted to spend time doing other stuff with the man I chose to marry.  He pre-dated the horse.

I used to watch the amount of time some other people spent with their horses and wonder why they were in a relationship at all,  they saw their partner so little.
.


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## ycbm (4 January 2021)

Winters100 said:



			In all honesty anything which takes up a lot of time, whether it is a hobby or a business, takes a lot of goodwill and compromise from both parties.  I don't think it matters whether the amount of time spent with the horse seems excessive to us, to her husband it is excessive, so that is his reality.  .........  Every relationship is different, but I have to say that compared to mine you are asking quite a lot of him.
		
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Completely with you on these bits.


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## zandp (4 January 2021)

When this issue rears it's head in my relationship it's always because he's feeling unloved / forgotten about and not important in my life, it's not really the horse(s) but how he's feeling at the time about himself.


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## Winters100 (4 January 2021)

ycbm said:



			I honestly read this and wondered what century you were in Winters. I do mean that affectionately,  but I can't get my head around advice to have a hot meal on the table and my husband's ironing done before he asks,  and I'm in my sixties.

.
		
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Haha - yes I realised that some people would feel that, but for us it works, I think he knows that he is important to me because I do go the extra mile to make his life comfortable.  Appreciate that managing things in this way is not for every couple, but I really don't remember when we last had an argument.  I suppose it is easier for me as I work for myself so I can manage when I work.  When I was building the business it would have been impossible to have horses and manage a household, so I had to have a break from riding.  I think that the point is though that just because we have horses we cannot expect others to be happy if they are always second place, and whether it is doing a bit more to make someone comfortable at home, or having some sensible rules like yours about the amount of time spent with the horse, we have to accept that compromise only works if it comes from both parties.


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## ycbm (4 January 2021)

Winters100 said:



			Haha - yes I realised that some people would feel that, but for us it works, I think he knows that he is important to me because I do go the extra mile to make his life comfortable.  Appreciate that managing things in this way is not for every couple, but I really don't remember when we last had an argument.  I suppose it is easier for me as I work for myself so I can manage when I work.  When I was building the business it would have been impossible to have horses and manage a household, so I had to have a break from riding.  I think that the point is though that just because we have horses we cannot expect others to be happy if they are always second place, and whether it is doing a bit more to make someone comfortable at home, or having some sensible rules like yours about the amount of time spent with the horse, we have to accept that compromise only works if it comes from both parties.
		
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Absolutely agree.


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## Circe2 (4 January 2021)

I suppose people do what works for them (although I’m not one to normally cook for my guy, and have never ironed one of his shirts!). Showing love and appreciation and spending time together is what probably really matters, and pulling your 50% of the weight in whichever manner the two of you split it. This relationship sounds rather dysfunctional in that regard - not much love, and a lot of bitterness.

I like the rule of 2 x days at the yard in the working week, plus one weekend day - that’s sort of how I structure things at the moment. I was doing 5 evenings a week at the yard before (until I got my lovely sharer), and it was really tiring. However, my partner didn’t mind - but that’s because we’ve been working from home together all year, he cooks all the meals from scratch (I do most of the cleaning), the little cat keeps him company, and everyone’s happy. If you threw in 3 kids (I’m going to discount the 17 year old here), i bet that 5 day routine would get very tricky very fast!


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## ownedbyaconnie (4 January 2021)

My OH actively encourages me not to have a warm meal on the table for him, he says I make too much mess 😂. But I am the driver, I drive us from Surrey to York and back whenever we visit his parents and I’m also the “technology” fixer. He’s absolutely useless, doesn’t even know what an HDMI cable is. He couldn’t even work out how to change the time on the oven (I did point out all I did was Google the make). He also can’t work the timer on the central heating so that also falls to me.

I guess this thread highlights how important communication and compromise is in a relationship. Like YCBM I make a point of not riding every day, I don’t do comps/clinics more than one weekend day etc. I also do things like ask for his opinion on something to do with the horse so he feels involved, I asked him to come view yards with me last time we went to York (as we are expecting his next posting to be up there) and he loved it. He had a pro and con list, he knew without me even telling him what absolute must haves were (turnout) and the not so bothered.


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## ycbm (4 January 2021)

What's an HDMI cable 🤣  ?


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## PurBee (4 January 2021)

ycbm said:



			What's an HDMI cable 🤣  ?
		
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Hay Done Monthly Instantly surely?
just plug into horse and no more having to feed the monster! 
😂


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## Gloi (4 January 2021)

PurBee said:



			Hay Done Monthly Instantly surely?
just plug into horse and no more having to feed the monster!
😂
		
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I fancy a His Dung to Midden Instantly connection


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## ycbm (4 January 2021)

Ah, thanks.  I thought it was High Drama Mid Instruction  cable, otherwise known as a lead rope?


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## ycbm (4 January 2021)

ownedbyaconnie said:



			My OH actively encourages me not to have a warm meal on the table for him, he says I make too much mess 😂. But I am the driver, I drive us from Surrey to York and back whenever we visit his parents and I’m also the “technology” fixer. He’s absolutely useless, doesn’t even know what an HDMI cable is. He couldn’t even work out how to change the time on the oven (I did point out all I did was Google the make). He also can’t work the timer on the central heating so that also falls to me.

I guess this thread highlights how important communication and compromise is in a relationship. Like YCBM I make a point of not riding every day, I don’t do comps/clinics more than one weekend day etc. I also do things like ask for his opinion on something to do with the horse so he feels involved, I asked him to come view yards with me last time we went to York (as we are expecting his next posting to be up there) and he loved it. He had a pro and con list, he knew without me even telling him what absolute must haves were (turnout) and the not so bothered.
		
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I am loving your description of yourself and your OH, thinking of your lovely photo you posted recently of a tiny,  petite,  "fragile"  female with a rough tough uniformed Army man.  It's even better now I know he doesn't know how to control the central heating 
.


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## ownedbyaconnie (4 January 2021)

ycbm said:



			I am loving your description of yourself and your OH, thinking of your lovely photo you posted recently of a tiny,  petite,  "fragile"  female with a rough tough uniformed Army man.  It's even better now I know he doesn't know how to control the central heating 
.
		
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And yet I could tackle him to the ground with one pinky. Never underestimate a small hungry female.

We also sound completely different. Him with his gruff strong North Yorkshire accent and me with my prim and proper Surrey accent 😂


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## ycbm (4 January 2021)

ownedbyaconnie said:



			And yet I could tackle him to the ground with one pinky. Never underestimate a small hungry female.

We also sound completely different. Him with his gruff strong North Yorkshire accent and me with my prim and proper Surrey accent 😂
		
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What a pair you make,  in every sense.  Your wedding photo is just lovely. Sound would just top it off 🤣


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## ownedbyaconnie (4 January 2021)

ycbm said:



			What a pair you make,  in every sense.  Your wedding photo is just lovely. Sound would just top it off 🤣
		
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Not married yet (although date set for 2022 covid dependent) that was his commissioning from RMA Sandhurst!


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## ycbm (4 January 2021)

ownedbyaconnie said:



			Not married yet (although date set for 2022 covid dependent) that was his commissioning from RMA Sandhurst!
		
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Sorry, mistook you being all dressed up for a wedding not his Officer commissioning.  My Dad and brother were Navy/Dartmouth   You look like such a lovely pair!

PS I think Mabel will get terrible sibling rivalry and need a new home when baby is born .......


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## Abi90 (5 January 2021)

I have similar restriction to YCBM when hubby and I don’t live together (he’s army and I’m RAF). I only rode on weekday but not Friday and one day at weekends  and would only compete twice a month. 

Now that we live together, for now, He’s not fussed if I do what I want because, relatively, we have so much more time together. I have filled entire weekends with horse stuff, but that’s fine because we still see each other in the week. Once we are posted apart again, the restrictions will go back in place. 

I too have a rough, Yorkshire army officer!


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## Stacey_xo (5 January 2021)

Get rid of the husband.

Seriously though, his issue clearly has nothing to do with your horse, I saw your comment where you said he wasn’t happy when you were going to the gym everyday either, presumably in the evenings too and he would have to watch the kids, it just seems like he wants you home 24/7 to look after the house and kids and for him to do nothing else. I’d say if you want to stay together then you should both find a compromise, perhaps changing your schedules up so you can both fit in time looking after your family and doing things you both want to do, together and separately. Maybe you should take him with you to meet the horse one day and see you riding and see how happy it makes you, if he still doesn’t support you after that you should definitely reevaluate your relationship.


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## ycbm (6 January 2021)

Stacey_xo said:



			it just seems like he wants you home 24/7 to look after the house and kids and for him to do nothing else.
		
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Did you miss the bit where she said he does the cooking?  
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## ycbm (6 January 2021)

Abi90 said:



			I have similar restriction to YCBM when hubby and I don’t live together (he’s army and I’m RAF). I only rode on weekday but not Friday and one day at weekends  and would only compete twice a month.

Now that we live together, for now, He’s not fussed if I do what I want because, relatively, we have so much more time together. I have filled entire weekends with horse stuff, but that’s fine because we still see each other in the week. Once we are posted apart again, the restrictions will go back in place.

I too have a rough, Yorkshire army officer!

View attachment 62740

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That's a complicated mix, partners  serving in two different armed services! Lovely photo


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## Winters100 (6 January 2021)

Stacey_xo said:



			Get rid of the husband.

 it just seems like he wants you home 24/7 to look after the house and kids and for him to do nothing else. .
		
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Interesting view, but I don't see it this way. My understanding is that both work, and he does the cooking and takes care of the kids every night while she goes to the gym or the horse.  Does not seem totally unreasonable that he would want a bit more help.


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## teddypops (6 January 2021)

Winters100 said:



			Interesting view, but I don't see it this way. My understanding is that both work, and he does the cooking and takes care of the kids every night while she goes to the gym or the horse.  Does not seem totally unreasonable that he would want a bit more help.
		
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Telling her to get rid of the horse and not being happy with her going to the gym so he can spend their money on a holiday home isn’t asking for more help in my view.


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## ycbm (6 January 2021)

teddypops said:



			Telling her to get rid of the horse and not being happy with her going to the gym so he can spend their money on a holiday home isn’t asking for more help in my view.
		
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Well,  that would depend,  for me,  on what plans they jointly made when they first got back together,  before both the baby and the horse. It's not clear whether the baby was planned at that point, but the horse certainly wasn't.  

My life experience is that men often have an odd way of asking for help 🙃


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## Abi90 (6 January 2021)

ycbm said:



			That's a complicated mix, partners  serving in two different armed services! Lovely photo 

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Thank you

It can be difficult at times but has its bonuses. Like when he is away, so I have unrestricted horse time 😁


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## Roasted Chestnuts (6 January 2021)

sarah0307 said:



			I am sooooo fed up of my husband causing me grief and moaning over my horse. I bought him last year- he is my first horse and he came along after.

I pay for him and anything to do with him. I also pay for half of the bills on our house. He has to look after the kids whilst I go to my boy. Well.....yes....it’s not fair I spend less time at home in the evenings etc etc. However- I’ve told him to get a hobby himself....he won’t. He also caused so so so may problems in our relationship a couple of years ago and literally went to the pub every day for 7 years of our relationship. He has made up for this in the last two years I must say.

I absolutely do not want to get rid of my horse and refuse to. But I can’t keep having the same arguement all the time. The arguement tonight was that in selfish for spending so much money on something that’s for me when it should be for family holidays etc.

Am I being unreasonable?
		
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Personally I wouldn’t let anyone dictate what I spend my money on. Hubby or not I’d be warning him he’s on thin ice and if he persisted he’d be going.

Dictating to people what to spend their money on is trying to control them, we all know what that can lead to.


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## teddypops (6 January 2021)

ycbm said:



			Well,  that would depend,  for me,  on what plans they jointly made when they first got back together,  before both the baby and the horse. It's not clear whether the baby was planned at that point, but the horse certainly wasn't.  

My life experience is that men often have an odd way of asking for help 🙃
		
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None of that is relevant, because  to me because no husband should ever be telling his wife what she can and can’t do!


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## Equi (6 January 2021)

OP i notice you have not responded to anyone on this thread or any other thread since Dec 27th despite being active on the forum. I can only hope you are okay and that this thread has not caused any issues to you. Let us know you are okay if you can.


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## Winters100 (6 January 2021)

teddypops said:



			None of that is relevant, because  to me because no husband should ever be telling his wife what she can and can’t do!
		
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But surely that is how relationships work - you each tell each other what you want, and what is not OK for you, and then you reach a compromise that you can both live with.

I think that if my OH took up a hobby that meant I had to stay home and babysit every single night I would probably also not be OK with it.  He is asking for the horse to be sold, but actually if this was taken as an opening to a discussion about how it might work in a way that allowed OP to keep the horse and kept him happy as well then things would probably work much better than just saying 'no'.  There have been many sensible suggestions here, for example a sharer, but really I don't think anyone would be happy left at home night after night in this way.


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## teddypops (6 January 2021)

Winters100 said:



			But surely that is how relationships work - you each tell each other what you want, and what is not OK for you, and then you reach a compromise that you can both live with.

I think that if my OH took up a hobby that meant I had to stay home and babysit every single night I would probably also not be OK with it.  He is asking for the horse to be sold, but actually if this was taken as an opening to a discussion about how it might work in a way that allowed OP to keep the horse and kept him happy as well then things would probably work much better than just saying 'no'.  There have been many sensible suggestions here, for example a sharer, but really I don't think anyone would be happy left at home night after night in this way.
		
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No I don’t think relationships are about one partner being in control and telling the other what they can and can’t do. Compromise yes, and  yes there have been lots of posts on here re compromise such as putting the horse on full livery but he doesn’t want that. He wants rid of the horse. Not so much of a compromise really! I also don’t think a parent is ‘babysitting’ their own children. They are looking after them because they choose to have them. I can understand the husband not being happy about being left with his kids every night when his wife goes out for a jolly, that’s where there has to be a compromise as I have already stated in several of my replies, but not a straight ‘get rid of the horse’ or ‘don’t go to the gym’.


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## ycbm (6 January 2021)

teddypops said:



			None of that is relevant, because  to me because no husband should ever be telling his wife what she can and can’t do!
		
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Well we only have her word for it  that is how he expressed  it as opposed to how she interpreted  it.  And as I said above  it's my experience of over 42 years of marriage that men can  have some very strange ways of asking for help.


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## teddypops (6 January 2021)

ycbm said:



			Well we only have her word for it  that is how he expressed  it as opposed to how she interpreted  it.  And as I said above  is my experience of over 42 years of marriage that men can  have some very strange ways of asking for help.
		
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Yes we do, and that’s the info I’m going on. Not sure why it’s relevant but I’ve been with my husband for nearly 20 years.


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## ycbm (6 January 2021)

My husband asked me 25 years ago 'if it was me or the horses  which would you choose? '.

Should I have said "the horses" and signed the divorce papers?  Or tried to work out what his issues were and found a compromise?

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## teddypops (6 January 2021)

ycbm said:



			Mu husband asked me 25 years ago 'if it was me or the horses  which would you choose? '.

Should I have said "the horses" and signed the divorce papers?  Or tried to work out what his issues were and found a compromise?

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My husband would never ask me that, just as I would never ask him to get rid of his cars/ bikes/ motorbikes. He actually bought most of my ponies for me.


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## ycbm (6 January 2021)

teddypops said:



			My husband would never ask me that, just as I would never ask him to get rid of his cars/ bikes/ motorbikes.
		
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My husband's is a lovely,  supportive, valuable  human being who was temporarily feeling fragile. 

Are only wives allowed to doubt themselves or need reassurance?


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## teddypops (6 January 2021)

ycbm said:



			My husband's is a lovely,  supportive, valuable  human being who was temporarily feeling fragile. 

Are only wives allowed to doubt themselves or need reassurance?
		
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Anyone can, but not by trying to control their partner.


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## ycbm (6 January 2021)

teddypops said:



			Anyone can, but not by trying to control their partner.
		
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There are two sides to every story.....


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## smolmaus (6 January 2021)

ycbm said:



			There are two sides to every story.....
		
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Seeing as we only have the OPs side, which is kinda unreliable anyway as this seemed like a more of a vent thread than anything, trying to see it from her husbands POV is just making stuff up completely. It's basically all hypotheticals at this point. 

We're all just projecting our own experiences with either supportive or controlling partners onto a vague and badly explained situation!


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## teddypops (6 January 2021)

ycbm said:



			There are two sides to every story.....
		
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Yes there is but we don’t have the other side, so people give their opinion on the info available. Same as pretty much every post on here.


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## ycbm (7 January 2021)

smolmaus said:



			trying to see it from the husband's  POV is just making stuff up completely.  It's basically all hypotheticals at this point.
		
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teddypops said:



			Yes there is but we don’t have the other side, so people give their opinion on the info available. Same as pretty much every post on here.
		
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Not entirely, we have a number of facts.  There are quite a few dissenting voices if you count back, it's not every post.

But the majority seem to interpret the same info - that he gave up his own hobby of being in the pub,  (and quite possibly conquered the illness of an alcohol addiction),  which he has "more than made up for"  -  that the subject of horse ownership was discussed and his concerns were ignored  - that a new baby was added to the mix at the same time as the new horse - very differently than some of us do.

I didn't want to comment until we had enough facts but the OP isn't going to give them, as is her right.  But on the facts we have,  I certainly couldn't advise her to leave her husband.




			We're all just projecting our own experiences with either supportive or controlling partners onto a vague and badly explained situation!
		
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Well that's true. And being a forum with a big female bias,  it does tend to be a bit skewed in its views.
.


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## milliepops (7 January 2021)

smolmaus said:



			Seeing as we only have the OPs side, which is kinda unreliable anyway as this seemed like a more of a vent thread than anything, trying to see it from her husbands POV is just making stuff up completely. It's basically all hypotheticals at this point.

We're all just projecting our own experiences with either supportive or controlling partners onto a vague and badly explained situation!
		
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agreed!  considering the OP hasn't been back since the day the thread started some people are extrapolating quite a bit.


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## Roasted Chestnuts (7 January 2021)

ycbm said:



			My husband's is a lovely,  supportive, valuable  human being who was temporarily feeling fragile.

Are only wives allowed to doubt themselves or need reassurance?
		
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My partner asked me that question years ago and I told him if he was delivering ultimatums and making me choose then the choice wouldn’t be in his favour. If someone is asking you to choose then I don’t believe they are the person for you. Discussions are one thing, ultimatums and dictating what people spend their money on is completely different.

That was 17yrs ago. He fishes, goes on holiday doing that, I go on holiday with him and I also travel for my other sport and with my friends. I don’t tell him what to do with his money and he doesn’t do it with mine.  I am a very independent person who won’t be controlled, he gets that and appreciates that I won’t ask him to be tied down anymore than myself. I am perfectly willing to be alone rather than have someone try to tell me what to do and when.


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## Stacey_xo (7 January 2021)

Winters100 said:



			Interesting view, but I don't see it this way. My understanding is that both work, and he does the cooking and takes care of the kids every night while she goes to the gym or the horse.  Does not seem totally unreasonable that he would want a bit more help.
		
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I see your point, however in one of her earlier replies she said she has the baby during the day, so whether she’s working from home or still on maternity currently she’s still doing all of the household chores during the day and looking after a baby, she wants some time to herself in the evenings to see her horse, perhaps it’s a little unfair for it to be every single day but he still shouldn’t be asking for her to get rid of the horse and trying to guilt her into doing so, guilting somebody is a huge manipulation red flag! If he wants help then they need to come to a compromise, however the author has already said he refuses to get a hobby himself and it’s mainly just about having the horse and the expense/time it takes, which she pays for and looks after.


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## Stacey_xo (7 January 2021)

ycbm said:



			Did you miss the bit where she said he does the cooking? 
.
		
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No but she looks after the baby during the day, and does the cleaning, and presumably does the school run, I’m assuming she is also working in order to be able to afford the horse, or at least on maternity leave. Is it too much for her to ask for some time to herself in the evenings? If he’s willing to compromise then fair enough, but the author has said it’s mainly about the money which he has no part in anyway.


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## Fools Motto (7 January 2021)

My husband was never happy that I spent 'too much' (money and time) on the horses. I had the horses before he was part of my life, so he knew full well that the horses and I were a package! He  moaned purely about the cost, only when we were struggling a bit with general finances, and I got that.  Sometimes he moaned about the fuel cost it would take to drive the 3 miles to the field! My argument was that it was my lifestyle, my sanity. He had his hobby, and his motorbike for his 'time out' . I just carried on with my routine. Surprisingly he was very supportive when I had to have them PTS. Since then, our savings are doing well - (not because we haven't got horses at the moment, but because we are earning more) and he has said I can get another horse. He wants to be supportive and knows I'm missing it very much. It's quite exciting now. Amazing what financial stress does to you - looking back I don't think he really meant some  of what he said.


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## Pearlsasinger (7 January 2021)

teddypops said:



			No I don’t think relationships are about one partner being in control and telling the other what they can and can’t do. Compromise yes, and  yes there have been lots of posts on here re compromise such as putting the horse on full livery but he doesn’t want that. He wants rid of the horse. Not so much of a compromise really! I also don’t think a parent is ‘babysitting’ their own children. They are looking after them because they choose to have them. I can understand the husband not being happy about being left with his kids every night when his wife goes out for a jolly, that’s where there has to be a compromise as I have already stated in several of my replies, but not a straight ‘get rid of the horse’ or ‘don’t go to the gym’.
		
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It also seemed that husband was quite happy when his wife was at home with 3 children every evening while he went to the pub.  I must say, I think OP's mistake was getting back together and having the 4th baby.


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