# Hunting Jokes - Good - Bad - Indifferent



## Judgemental (19 October 2010)

There are rumours that the Hunting Act is going to be amended as follows:

It is will become unlawful to shout "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE WHISKY" for the purpose of trapping solicitors.


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## Simsar (19 October 2010)

Knock knock


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## combat_claire (19 October 2010)

Simsar said:



			Knock knock
		
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Who's there?


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## combat_claire (19 October 2010)

How many hunters does it take to change a lightbulb?

If you'd laid your stuff out the night before you wouldn't need to worry about the lightbulb!


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## combat_claire (19 October 2010)

What lies between the master and the mattress?

His mistress!


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## Judgemental (19 October 2010)

Two very knowledgeable horses looking under the bonnet of a V8 Range Rover.

One says to the other, "how the hell are we going to get 375 of us in there!"   

The other says, "lucky it's not the Turbocharged V8, then I really don't think there would be room for 510 of us".


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## Simsar (19 October 2010)

combat_claire said:



			Who's there?
		
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Dunnup


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## MissySmythe (19 October 2010)

Simsar said:



			Dunnup
		
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No comment! 

Thanks for the cheer up guys. What a lovely day, lovely for hunting but my boy's lame as a duck poor love.............boo hoo!


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## Simsar (19 October 2010)

Bit warm I feel


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## combat_claire (19 October 2010)

Simsar said:



			Dunnup
		
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Haha Good one


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## MissySmythe (19 October 2010)

Jamie and Eric are out hunting when for no good reason Eric falls off his horse.  Jamie checks him over, but he doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.   Fortunately Jamie has his trusty mobile and calls 999.  He gasps to the operator: "My friend Eric seems dead!  What can I do?" 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure." 

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

Jamie comes back on the line. He says: "OK, what next?"


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## kerilli (19 October 2010)

Two hunting mates, Bill and Ben, have made a pact that when 1 of them dies, the other will come back and visit him a year later and tell him what it's like on the other side. Bill dies, and a year later Ben sits down on a Friday evening and waits expectantly. Sure enough, Bill appears, and starts talking.
"It's amazing, wonderful hunters, huge hedges everywhere, no wire, no plough, acres of grassland, always good scenting, the hounds are fantastic..." He goes on and on, eulogising about how amazing the hunting is on the other side.
Eventually Ben interrupts in exasperation. "Okay, well, that sounds great, but surely there has to be one drawback? It can't all be good news, right?"
Bill says "Well, umm, yes, there is just the one thing."
Ben: "I bloody knew it. What's that then?"
Bill: "You're down for gate-shutting on Tuesday."


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## Daddy_Long_Legs (19 October 2010)

Haha love it!


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## MissySmythe (19 October 2010)

Excellent!


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## Alec Swan (19 October 2010)

Not exactly hunting,  but here we go........

A rather "rough and ready" terrier man,  from a very well known pack,  decided to go and have a butchers at the terriers on display at Crufts.

Having his favourite dog,  tied to him with a piece of baler string,  he approached the section which held the Borders.  A breed which had had a degree of breeding influence over the flea bitten,  heavily scarred,  smelly and thoroughly unimpressed mut at his side.

Our hero approached a very smart,  tweeded and brogued old boiler,  and having taken a shine to one of her dogs,  enquired how she'd got on.  "OOOOOH" came the reply "VERY well,  we've had two firsts,  and a second,  and a highly commended".

"Mine's had two fights,  and a ***k,  and he's highly delighted",  came the reply.  Which rather sums up working terriers,  and possibly those who keep them!!

Alec.

Ets,  It occurs to me that I've rather lowered the tone.  I do apologise!


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## rosie fronfelen (19 October 2010)

it doesn't actually.


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## kerilli (19 October 2010)

how about:
Prince Charles is invited to an obscure little Hunt's annual Ball, and, having agreed to attend, is agonising over what to wear, because it's very cold and he's been told that they're so poor they're holding it in a freezing barn. He asks his mother, our esteemed Majesty, what he should wear.
"Where did you say it was?" The Queen asks.
"______ Hunt " he replies. (insert name of your - ideally obscure little - Hunt). We used to say "Woodland Pytchley".  
"______?!" she exclaims. "Wear the fox hat?!"

It works when you say it out loud (in a mock imperious voice.)


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## MissySmythe (19 October 2010)

Alec, Kerilli, loving these! Thank you! Keep lowering the tone LOL


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## Paddydou (21 October 2010)

Alec Swan said:



			Which rather sums up working terriers,  and possibly those who keep them!!

Alec.

Ets,  It occurs to me that I've rather lowered the tone.  I do apologise!
		
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The first I don't do unless provoked 
The second I can only dream and have been dreaming for months and months on end! 
The third - well I am pretty happy with my lot! 

Typical you Alec to lower the tone again! Your bringing the Soapbox in here!!!


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## Alec Swan (21 October 2010)

Paddydou,

There was once a Red Indian,  who had a wife called Three Horses.  When asked why she was so named he said "Nag,  nag,  nag"!!

You and I might just as well be married.  All that you do is NAG,  that,  or threaten me with violence.  You're starting to worry me,  more than a little!!

Alec.


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## Paddydou (21 October 2010)

There was a farmer standing at the edge of his field. Along came a smart looking chap in a porsche. He stopped and spoke to the farmer...

"Good Day sir"
"G'day young man thats some smart car you have there"
the chap started fiddling with his sat nav and black berry
"thats some fancy kit you have there but I doubt it would be much use out 'ere"
"Ah ha" cried the young chap "that is where you are wrong! i bet you one of your sheep that with this little gadget here I can work out how many you have!"
"'right then" relied the farmer " I 'gree to those terms how many are there?"

The young man fiddled for a moment and tapped some buttons on one of his gadgets "You have 362"

"your right" replied the farmer "choose your ewe". 

The young man picked up a beast and popped it in the back of his car. 

"I told yea they would be not use out here young man" said the farmer... "Thats not a sheep thats my dawg"

Not as good as some of the others but the only one I can remember. Yes JM I know its not about hunting! Wrong forum I will pop over to farmers weekly in due course!

I wander if the Fat Controller would allow me to change my name to three horses?  Alec you know you are a better man for it! Lets set the date.


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## Judgemental (21 October 2010)

I know I have trotted this one up once before. Certainly Paddy had something of a titter at the time, so I felt she might like a replay? Alec might like it because he likes them somewhat blue, or what he calls "lowering the tone".

 Once upon a time deep in The Blackmore Vale and hounds were running very fast.

An immaculate gentleman in pink coat and topper - yes, topper in the vale, really - was standing viewing the proceedings and observed two very smart and most attractive ladies struggling with a gate.

Standing on the ground beside him was a farmer - wellies covered in cow ****, old coat done up with binder twine, had'nt shaved for a few days and a cap that looked as if he was going to breed from it.

The gentleman looked down at the farmer and said, "I say my good man, I don't suppose you would be very kind and go and help those ladies struggling with that gate".

Clearly from the farmers body language he was not too keen on the idea.

The gentleman said, "look be a sport and help them, in normal circumstances I would, but you see one is my wife and the other is my mistress".

The farmer looked up at the gentleman and said with a broad Dorset burr, "ah it be a small world ben-it, sur".


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## Paddydou (22 October 2010)

JM thats cheating.

Marks paper in red pen with must try harder.


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## Judgemental (22 October 2010)

Paddydou said:



			JM thats cheating.

Marks paper in red pen with must try harder.
		
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Paddydou said:



			JM thats cheating.

Marks paper in red pen with must try harder.
		
Click to expand...

Oh very well then.

There was a very keen hunting farmer near Tiverton, who was always complaining about the time it took, when his cows were bulling and they had to visit the neighbouring farmer's bull. 

Indeed the farmer used to spend the whole day, taking them and really made a day of it, having lunch with his neighbour and then coming back at teatime.

Then one day he came back from market and said to his wife, "you know ma der, I don't have to take the cows to the bull at Morch any more". "Oh" she said, "why is that".

"There's a new thing called AI, I just phone the centre and a chap comes round in a van and does the job".

"Oh I see" said the wife.

Time went on and some of the cows all started bulling. So farmer phones the AI centre.

About midday the AI man appears in his van, knocks on the farm house door to be greeted by the farmer&#8217;s wife and he explains he is from the AI Centre.

"Oh yes I have been expecting you, 'fraid my husband is not here he has gone hunting, but normally he would not have gone, you have saved him the trouble of taking the cows to the neighbour's bull."

"Now just wait a moment". The farmer's wife reappears with a pail of warm water, a bar of soap and a clean towel and hands it all to the AI man.

"There you are ma der", she said in a very knowing Devonian way, "five cows are ready for you in the milking parlour, just riddle a bit of cake down to them before you start, then they will stand quietly for you and there's a nail on the back of the door to the bulk milk tank in the dairy, where you can hang your trousers".


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