# Lessons and the things instructors say to you....



## sarahann1 (2 February 2017)

Last nights stand out statement from a new instructor "I can see why you chose to be a librarian over horses".....with a "whaaaa?" look on my face I responded with "yeah, I know my riding is not really up to it" he tried to get out of it by saying "you know, because of working outside in all weathers". I genuinely don't know if he meant because I was riding so badly (I really was, it was terrible at times) or if he was trying to make conversation?!

My regular instructor has been known to ask my if I've had Gin before the lesson because it's all going so wrong!

So, make me feel better folks, what things have your instructors come away with when it's all going wrong?!


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## Charlie007 (2 February 2017)

' I hope you don't mind me saying but your riding like a fanny!!' I didn't and I was!!


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## milliepops (2 February 2017)

We both regularly laugh at Kira and her little outbursts in my lessons.. it's the best approach tbh because if you get cross with her she puts the shutters down.   I'm pleased to train with someone with a good sense of humour  
 There are often people sitting in the arena watching and they sometimes make a remark about how cute Kira appears with her blonde barnet and white feathers... until he sets them straight about her little antics. Poor Kira. She IS cute.... Usually


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## Red-1 (2 February 2017)

My ambition since being a very small child, has been to compete at Chatsworth. The lowest the do is Novice, and that was my ambition.

I had already done one Novice BE on a previous horse, then a good season of Novice, mostly clear XC on my current horse of the time. It was winter, and Chatsworth - my big goa l- was fast approaching.... so I got this new trainer to help me.

Quote after the first lesson... "I don't see how you can compete at Chatsworth!" 

Hmmm, I thought, well if you can't see how I can do it, then you are obviously not the trainer to help me do it!

I sacked her, got another trainer, and did go to Chatsworth. It was great. We went through the golden gates. It was a childhood dream, and it was emotional.

Unusually, we did not go clear, but it was excessively hot and the girl before me fell and needed scraping up by ambulance. We had 40 minutes stoppage 2 jumps before the water, my horse switched off and just did not get going again in time. Still, only one stop and a great day fulfilling an ambition. 

Strange thing for a trainer to say! I thought it was just her job to see how we could achieve it. We were clear in a Novice 3 weeks before and went on to do CCI* the next month, so I don't suppose we were too far off target.


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## milliepops (2 February 2017)

Red-1 said:



			Quote after the first lesson... "I don't see how you can compete at Chatsworth!" 

Hmmm, I thought, well if you can't see how I can do it, then you are obviously not the trainer to help me do it!
		
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Fab story  I had similar with a now ex-trainer, who kept telling me I had the wrong horse and needed something better.  Well... you know, this is the one I've got, so...  Dread to think what she'd make of Kira!!


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## Sandy200 (2 February 2017)

Always remember the comment which made me laugh by Yogi Breisner from a lesson on my old pony - "your horse is too excitable, you are too excitable and together you are FAR too excitable!"  Maybe he wanted us to go towards the jumps straight rather than sideways?


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## tatty_v (2 February 2017)

My instructor said on Sunday that she'd like to tie a helium balloon to my wayward inside hand to stop me absent mindedly dropping it - quite a good image 

In one of my friends' jumping lessons the instructor calmly said "I'd like you to slow down now please" - had us in fits of giggles as we knew that was going to be hard to achieve!


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## Auslander (2 February 2017)

milliepops said:



			I'm pleased to train with someone with a good sense of humour 

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He does, doesn't he!
He is the man who affectionately referred to me as "Wobble and Flop" about 25 years ago. I've forgiven, but I've never forgotten!!


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## abbijay (2 February 2017)

Since getting my own horse I have worked with an eventer for my lessons but I do quite a bit of showing so I booked a lesson with a locally reknowned showing instructor. The first thing she said on arrival was "you need to take his shoes off, he's probably lame if you take his shoes off" :-0 So why do I want a lame horse? 
Then during the lesson she got her phone out and said, "oh, you have to see how dreadful you look. I'll send you the video later!" And she flipping well did send it over. It took me about a year for my confidence to recover from that one. 
My actual instructor is great although does tend to roll her eyes and say "oh - kayyyyy" when I announce my latest plan for equine world domination that is far beyond both of our capabilities! Then she rapidly follows it up with, "we just need to get him working a bit more consistently but I don't see why not."


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## milliepops (2 February 2017)

Auslander said:



			He does, doesn't he!
He is the man who affectionately referred to me as "Wobble and Flop" about 25 years ago. I've forgiven, but I've never forgotten!!
		
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hahaha! I think the best laugh I had was when I was there for a course shortly after the horsemeat scandal. He was teaching someone with a particularly awkward-minded horse, and renamed all the arena letters to a theme fitting the whole affair.
'change the across the diagonal to F for Findus' etc.  Had us all in fits of giggles.


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## scats (2 February 2017)

I remember my old instructor telling me, "Your horse is an absolute idiot."

She was right!

She came to see him last year and the first words out of her mouth were, "God, he's even more of an idiot than I remember."

She's still right!


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## muddy_grey (2 February 2017)

My old horse was quite strong to school.  After riding her for the first time "She feels so much worse than she looks!" I choose to take it as a compliment that my riding made her look better


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## teapot (2 February 2017)

'If you don't let go of that outside rein I'm going to take it off and beat you with it. LET. IT. GO.' and then started a rendition of Let It Go from Frozen. I was laughing so much the horse in question went beautifully after that.

Yesterday I had 'you're riding like you've had three coffees, two Red Bulls and a can of Monster'. It wasn't a compliment.


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## Casey76 (2 February 2017)

I've had my instructor for the better part of 10 years (so she knows me really well) and I can still only understand about half of what she says! which leads to lots of eye rolling and "where are you going..." or "your *other* left" as I go sailing by "sooooorrrry!!!"

I laugh out loud most lessons with some antics I manage to get myself into.

Some days I find it *really* difficult to get my left and right in the proper order, especially if we are doing exercises such as haunches out demi circle, change the rein into the circle haunches in demi circle.  I usually end up looking like a bretzl with a very confused pony!


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## First Flame (2 February 2017)

I had a XC lesson with Blyth Tait...I'm only 5ft and was on a 16.2hh 5 year old and coming into a water jump he shouted " now Sarah, like me you weren't blessed with the longest legs in the world so what you've got, I suggest you uuuuuuse them".  Needless to say this just made me giggle and not sure my legs did get working, lol


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## meandmyconnie (2 February 2017)

'Come on, get a grip!' and then muttered 'Poor pony.' I didn't mind my riding was so bad that day I felt sorry for my girl too ahaha!


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## FfionWinnie (2 February 2017)

"Now come again and this time ride towards it like you actually want him to jump the fence"

"Look how well you can do it when you stop being a fanny!"

"You've got him operating at about 20% in the canter now, think how good it will be at 100%"

"What I like about you is you try to do proper horse things with cobs. Not many people do that" (I took it as a compliment!)

I'm sure there are many more which will come to me. SJ coach has a rather sarcastic witty temperament.  Good fun tho.


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## sarahann1 (2 February 2017)

Charlie007 said:



			' I hope you don't mind me saying but your riding like a fanny!!' I didn't and I was!!
		
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Oh dear! 



milliepops said:



			We both regularly laugh at Kira and her little outbursts in my lessons.. it's the best approach tbh because if you get cross with her she puts the shutters down.   I'm pleased to train with someone with a good sense of humour  
 There are often people sitting in the arena watching and they sometimes make a remark about how cute Kira appears with her blonde barnet and white feathers... until he sets them straight about her little antics. Poor Kira. She IS cute.... Usually 

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Cute and fluffy can be so deceiving, but so much fun! 



Red-1 said:



			My ambition since being a very small child, has been to compete at Chatsworth. The lowest the do is Novice, and that was my ambition.

I had already done one Novice BE on a previous horse, then a good season of Novice, mostly clear XC on my current horse of the time. It was winter, and Chatsworth - my big goa l- was fast approaching.... so I got this new trainer to help me.

Quote after the first lesson... "I don't see how you can compete at Chatsworth!" 

Hmmm, I thought, well if you can't see how I can do it, then you are obviously not the trainer to help me do it!

I sacked her, got another trainer, and did go to Chatsworth. It was great. We went through the golden gates. It was a childhood dream, and it was emotional.

Unusually, we did not go clear, but it was excessively hot and the girl before me fell and needed scraping up by ambulance. We had 40 minutes stoppage 2 jumps before the water, my horse switched off and just did not get going again in time. Still, only one stop and a great day fulfilling an ambition. 

Strange thing for a trainer to say! I thought it was just her job to see how we could achieve it. We were clear in a Novice 3 weeks before and went on to do CCI* the next month, so I don't suppose we were too far off target.
		
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Well done on getting there! I sacked off on instructor who screwed their face up when I said I wanted to get to Elementary Dressage with my wee hairy cob, you have to have instructors who believe you can get to where you want to go, or at least do their damnedest to get you some of the way there! 



Sandy200 said:



			Always remember the comment which made me laugh by Yogi Breisner from a lesson on my old pony - "your horse is too excitable, you are too excitable and together you are FAR too excitable!"  Maybe he wanted us to go towards the jumps straight rather than sideways?
		
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Hahaha! That's brilliant! 



tatty_v said:



			My instructor said on Sunday that she'd like to tie a helium balloon to my wayward inside hand to stop me absent mindedly dropping it - quite a good image 

In one of my friends' jumping lessons the instructor calmly said "I'd like you to slow down now please" - had us in fits of giggles as we knew that was going to be hard to achieve!
		
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I like the Helium balloon idea, I could do with this myself....



Auslander said:



			He does, doesn't he!
He is the man who affectionately referred to me as "Wobble and Flop" about 25 years ago. I've forgiven, but I've never forgotten!!
		
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I once had a lesson with an instructor that reminded another lass that her bosom was not 'a bag of ferrets' he's been teaching her for years, she laughed!



abbijay said:



			Since getting my own horse I have worked with an eventer for my lessons but I do quite a bit of showing so I booked a lesson with a locally reknowned showing instructor. The first thing she said on arrival was "you need to take his shoes off, he's probably lame if you take his shoes off" :-0 So why do I want a lame horse? 
Then during the lesson she got her phone out and said, "oh, you have to see how dreadful you look. I'll send you the video later!" And she flipping well did send it over. It took me about a year for my confidence to recover from that one. 
My actual instructor is great although does tend to roll her eyes and say "oh - kayyyyy" when I announce my latest plan for equine world domination that is far beyond both of our capabilities! Then she rapidly follows it up with, "we just need to get him working a bit more consistently but I don't see why not."
		
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Oh, that's the worst thing you can have from an instructor, how mean! Glad your usual instructor is more amenable!



scats said:



			I remember my old instructor telling me, "Your horse is an absolute idiot."

She was right!

She came to see him last year and the first words out of her mouth were, "God, he's even more of an idiot than I remember."

She's still right!
		
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Haha, sure he has his good moments!



muddy_grey said:



			My old horse was quite strong to school.  After riding her for the first time "She feels so much worse than she looks!" I choose to take it as a compliment that my riding made her look better 

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I'd def take that as a compliment!



teapot said:



			'If you don't let go of that outside rein I'm going to take it off and beat you with it. LET. IT. GO.' and then started a rendition of Let It Go from Frozen. I was laughing so much the horse in question went beautifully after that.

Yesterday I had 'you're riding like you've had three coffees, two Red Bulls and a can of Monster'. It wasn't a compliment.
		
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My regular instructor regularly sings Nelly the Elephant at me in a bid to get me and my mare into something resembling a rhythm in canter, always makes me laugh!



Casey76 said:



			I've had my instructor for the better part of 10 years (so she knows me really well) and I can still only understand about half of what she says! which leads to lots of eye rolling and "where are you going..." or "your *other* left" as I go sailing by "sooooorrrry!!!"

I laugh out loud most lessons with some antics I manage to get myself into.

Some days I find it *really* difficult to get my left and right in the proper order, especially if we are doing exercises such as haunches out demi circle, change the rein into the circle haunches in demi circle.  I usually end up looking like a bretzl with a very confused pony!
		
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Oh this sounds so familiar! I'm glad it's not just me who ties themselves up into knots of confusion! I think that was one of the many reasons said new instructor was getting frustrated with me!



First Flame said:



			I had a XC lesson with Blyth Tait...I'm only 5ft and was on a 16.2hh 5 year old and coming into a water jump he shouted " now Sarah, like me you weren't blessed with the longest legs in the world so what you've got, I suggest you uuuuuuse them".  Needless to say this just made me giggle and not sure my legs did get working, lol 

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Brilliant, I can't imagine arguing with someone like him!



meandmyconnie said:



			'Come on, get a grip!' and then muttered 'Poor pony.' I didn't mind my riding was so bad that day I felt sorry for my girl too ahaha!
		
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Ouch, hopefully it's all improved since then!



FfionWinnie said:



			"Now come again and this time ride towards it like you actually want him to jump the fence"

"Look how well you can do it when you stop being a fanny!"

"You've got him operating at about 20% in the canter now, think how good it will be at 100%"

"What I like about you is you try to do proper horse things with cobs. Not many people do that" (I took it as a compliment!)

I'm sure there are many more which will come to me. SJ coach has a rather sarcastic witty temperament.  Good fun tho.
		
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I wonder if we have the same trainer?! That all sounds familiar!

Thanks folks, glad it's not just me who gets these kinds of comments!


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## Fidgety (2 February 2017)

My old instructor once described my old boy as 

'if he were a bloke he'd head off for a hard game of rugby in the afternoon, spend the evening in the bar drinking heavily with his mates afterwards and then sleep all day Sunday'.  he also said (of his spooking) 

that he was 'just like the naughty boy who sits at the back of the class and pulls the pigtails of the girl in front just to amuse himself' 

He also said 'you've got the TV, now just plug the thing into the wall!'

He was a fab instructor!   .


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## Michen (2 February 2017)

"I wish that pony would stop eyeing me with disgust and flexing his under neck at me" 

Poor dressage trainer taking on basil!


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## showjumpingharry (2 February 2017)

"Your horse should be in a bubble when working round." Then starts singing that st trinians song about being in trouble


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## Auslander (2 February 2017)

I like this thread!

I have just been thinking about Gerry Simnott, who was our jumping trainer at Talland, many moons ago.
He had a disconcerting habit of standing by cross country fences, and saying "You're going to die" when you were a few strides out, and getting it all wrong. Funnily enough, it was like a red rag to a bull for most of us - made us absolutely determined to prove him wrong! I remember hissing "I'm bloody well not" at him, on several occasions


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## showjumpingharry (2 February 2017)

Auslander said:



			I like this thread!

I have just been thinking about Gerry Simnott, who was our jumping trainer at Talland, many moons ago.
He had a disconcerting habit of standing by cross country fences, and saying "You're going to die" when you were a few strides out, and getting it all wrong. Funnily enough, it was like a red rag to a bull for most of us - made us absolutely determined to prove him wrong! I remember hissing "I'm bloody well not" at him, on several occasions
		
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I had a trainer who said this to me going into a 1.10 Xcode fence on my 148 connie...I ended up having a rotational fall with three broken ribs, cracked collarbone and  bone studs through by hand. Was the last time I was told that and I learnt to ride that day


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## FfionWinnie (2 February 2017)

Could be, you are also in Scotland aren't you?  I'll give you his initials to protect the not very innocent "DH"


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## sarahann1 (2 February 2017)

FfionWinnie said:



			Could be, you are also in Scotland aren't you?  I'll give you his initials to protect the not very innocent "DH" 

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The very same instructor! It was the first line of your post that gave it away, he said something very similar to me last night!


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## FfionWinnie (2 February 2017)

sarahann1 said:



			The very same instructor! It was the first line of your post that gave it away, he said something very similar to me last night! 

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Ha ha ha &#128514;

I had a lesson with Ernest Dillon once who also teaches him unbeknown to me, and he said to me you've got really good ideas about warming your horse up I really like that. So I said well to be perfectly honest they are not really mine they are DHs and ED said well that makes a lot of sense dear, they aren't really his, they are mine


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## vallin (2 February 2017)

I've yet to beat 'well I guess your horse isn't *completely* useless' after finally being allowed to leave the ground on my third lesson with a new SJ instructor


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## rachk89 (2 February 2017)

"You are making me nervous" said to me during a jumping lesson. The man is well known for being tough on people and I think fear of jumping combined with a slight fear of him just ruined my nerves. He did actually say though I can do it and do know what I am doing, I am just so crippled with fear I freeze as soon as you put me in front of a jump. 

I do want to get over it though, just need to be a lot more brave. Or shut my eyes as we get to the jump..


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## Peregrine Falcon (2 February 2017)

"This is why I prefer to teach adults!".  My instructor running round the arena chasing my son's lazy pony with a lunge whip trying to help him to get her to canter.


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## Destario (2 February 2017)

The first time I jumped my mare I had a lesson with the amazing event rider who broke her in. I'd seen her pop her round some xc the month before whilst I was out of control on Bop at the same time. And seen some video of her jumping sj and loose and terrified myself. She has an incredible jump. 

Instructor comes to meet me at the arena, I'm warming the mare up and she's being sticky in canter (I'm dying slowly inside) so we work on the canter. Get to jumping and I get told to 'forget everything you do with Bop and the other ponies you work with. Just do nothing.' to which I'm more terrified. How on earth does one do nothing into a jump?! So I sit there, keeping the canter and we fly over the jump. Do it a couple more times. Instructor is being very nice and helpful about everything. Sticks it up to a nice 90cm oxer without me noticing until the run up (which needs to be short - 5 strides max) I forget everything she's been teaching me the previous half hour and put a whole lot of leg on in the last 2 strides instead of keeping the canter and the mare says 'oh you want more?' and proper leaps the thing, I get unseated and slip the reins, look like a crazy jockey on a flier, convinced I'm going to die, and distinctly remember seeing the wings underneath me.  We land. I'm not dead, mare is happy as Larry and instructor is in stitches. 
'the problem with a horse that has no concept of not being able to jump something, is that if you kick on and aim at the wings, that's exactly what you'll jump. Especially when you have a horse that really can jump whatever you point it at. Bit less leg next time? ' I was told that we had actually jumped the wings and I had pony clubbed the take off. And then she put it up and made me jump it again as she continued laughing at me. Never been told to use less leg before! 

My seriously blunt instructor gave me a jump lesson last year on an old schoolmaster that liked tanking into jumps. She repeatedly reminded me this was training so circles etc were fine to get a good round. I got him round with no circles, and was pleased with how I'd done it only for her to say
'well you got round, but that's not how I would have done it' nicest telling off I've ever gotten from her. 

One and only lesson I had with a tall bloke was 'well it would work better if your legs were longer'


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## Ahrena (3 February 2017)

When I was a working pupil my boss was quite a hard trainer and would only compliment you when you actually did it well. It suited me as I wasn't there for an ego boost (although I wasn't too pleased when I had to spend a week riding everything with brushing boots under my armpits to stop my elbows flapping!)

One notable day when I was having a jumping lesson, my fellow working pupil was stood by him whilst I destroyed a grid and heard him simply sigh and mutter Oh Christ....

Current instructors mostly laugh at me


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## JustMe22 (3 February 2017)

"Do it again but better" 

"Oh my gawd what is that animal doing" - previous horse was a bit unpredictable, to put it mildly. 

"Please stop looking surprised every time you get over a jump"

Me getting frustrated at a canter pole exercise: "I'm trying!" Instructor "Well stop trying and JUST EFFING GET IT RIGHT"


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## Auslander (3 February 2017)

Another story, and a tactic I still use to this day when teaching...
Out in Germany, I had a young, and unbelievably gorgeous male trainer. I was 18, and a bit shy, as well as completely lovestruck. He pulled me over, and said "Imagine that your nipples have eyes, and remember to always look where you want to go". Once I'd got over the mortified blushing, I did exactly that, and it really worked! 
It works very well with most of my students - other than the ones that collapse with laughter whenever I mention nipple eyes...


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## Fidgety (3 February 2017)

Auslander said:



			Another story, and a tactic I still use to this day when teaching...
Out in Germany, I had a young, and unbelievably gorgeous male trainer. I was 18, and a bit shy, as well as completely lovestruck. He pulled me over, and said "Imagine that your nipples have eyes, and remember to always look where you want to go". Once I'd got over the mortified blushing, I did exactly that, and it really worked! 
It works very well with most of my students - other than the ones that collapse with laughter whenever I mention nipple eyes...
		
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 .  I've heard a similar phrase being used - 'don't dip your headlights, keep the main beam on" .


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## Auslander (3 February 2017)

Fidgety said:



 .  I've heard a similar phrase being used - 'don't dip your headlights, keep the main beam on" .
		
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Sadly my headlights are permanently dipped nowadays. I just have to fix my googly eyes where they used to be!


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## smja (3 February 2017)

"Are you breathing?"

"Stop riding like a granny"

*chicken flapping impression* followed by repeated bellowing of "elbows!"

"ooh, he's actually on the bit for once!"

And from my childhood instructor:
"are you dead? If you're not dead, you'd best get back on that pony"


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## pixie27 (3 February 2017)

While riding a friend's pony who was known for its questionable attitude...

Instructor: does it canter? can you - 
*cut to me asking pony to canter, and pony shoving head between knees and broncing down the school towards international dressage horse and rider*
Instructor: ah. um. let's just canter on a circle for now.


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## View (3 February 2017)

Childhood riding instructor "who said you could dismount?" with the alternative "who gave you permission to make a hole in the surface?" whenever I came off.

Last night "that's a very interesting conversation you are having with that horse" (horse in question is definitely quirky, and I find he responds better to being verbally told to get on with life)

And a sad one a few days ago, with the boot on the other foot, so to speak.

Parent to me when I was teaching their daughter: you must not put X on a pony that she might fall off.

I thought for a moment, and explained that nobody can ever guarantee that, no matter how saintly the pony.

Parent: But X must never be asked to ride a pony that she might fall off.

Me: Are you sure that this is the right sport for X?  The only thing that I can guarantee is that at some point she will fall off.


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## claracanter (3 February 2017)

'sit on your ar** or it will get bigger'   He had a point.

' more speed but not any faster'  !!!!!!

' Your horse is the naughty one at the back of the class flicking runner bands.'


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## BimboMare (3 February 2017)

I have been having lessons from my instructor for years and sometimes our conversations may not conform to the expected BHS standards.  My regular reminder to improve our free walk on a long reining is to "breathe through my bottom".  My collected canter also improves when I'm reminded to "think smut".  I hasten to add we make sure there are no youngsters in earshot.

And dressage judges wonder why I grin when doing free walk...

If she reads this, my instructor will identify herself immediately  (and I'd like to thank her for reforming my bad habits)!


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## Charlie007 (4 February 2017)

Fidgety said:



 .  I've heard a similar phrase being used - 'don't dip your headlights, keep the main beam on" .
		
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Similar saying ' don't dip, dazzle!'


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## DabDab (4 February 2017)

A particularly formative childhood instructor couldn't stand 'wimpy' children, or daydreamers and frequently shouted that "if you're not failing you're not blimmin well trying hard enough"


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## pennandh (4 February 2017)

I've had the joy of being asked to "Give the other two a lead, would you?" over a 2'3" fence with fillers. Ordinarily, this wouldn't be worthy of comment, but Mr. H is 13.1hh and known to put in the odd dirty stop over fillers, and the 'other two' were on 14.2hh riding school cobs that are almost always very enthusiastic jumpers. It amused me to see the status quo reversed.

Also such gems as "I wish I had a camera, because that was hilarious" happen quite a lot.

"Well done for sitting that in jeans!" happened when I was splitting a camp with someone and arrived expecting to only do a picnic ride (and thus in my western gear) only to discover we were doing the working hunter course first. H was actually pretty good, but decided that the 2'9" bullfinch at the end was something we had to refuse once, just out of principle.

And there was the one time the rest of the lesson was told "Put your legs on - H should not be managing to trot bigger than the 16-handers."


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## CrazyMare (5 February 2017)

I went to a low key jumping competition years ago, run at a place I'd be going for lessons. My pony (still have her aged 25) is very, very strong and as the time I hadn't been brave enough to up the bitting. 

Instructor decided to put his daughter on my pony (she's now a 4* eventer, and was probably at 2/3* at the time). She got totally tanked, brought her back and declared her mental and borderline dangerous!! 

I later jumped her round every open workers competition in a three hour radius and won most of them!!! I don't ride her in a snaffle any more.....


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## JustMe22 (6 February 2017)

Also had a lesson with one of our top showjumpers and my horse was acting like a raving lunatic - which he did from time to time. I had lunged him for 20 minutes before riding and he was still doing handstand bucks and spinning around after the flatwork and as we began to jump.

 New instructor thought that perhaps he wouldn't buck if he was seriously kicked on in between jumps which I may have laughed at.

Instructor: Let me get on
Instructor: See, I'm just going show you that the horse won't buck when he's going really forw-oooh...ok, he will.


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## twiggy2 (6 February 2017)

When my instructor first rode my mare at about lesson 3, 'she is much more in front of the leg than she looks'
Another time 'you look like your working really hard, are you sure you need to?' bit of a theme to those two and I hope together we have gone some way to rectifying things.
The nicest one ' I don't think you realise how lucky you are, you have a mare with a fantastic work ethic'


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## DabDab (6 February 2017)

JustMe22 said:



			Also had a lesson with one of our top showjumpers and my horse was acting like a raving lunatic - which he did from time to time. I had lunged him for 20 minutes before riding and he was still doing handstand bucks and spinning around after the flatwork and as we began to jump.

 New instructor thought that perhaps he wouldn't buck if he was seriously kicked on in between jumps which I may have laughed at.

Instructor: Let me get on
Instructor: See, I'm just going show you that the horse won't buck when he's going really forw-oooh...ok, he will. 














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Hahaha, well life is just far too exciting to keep one's feet on the floor don't you know


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## tallyho! (6 February 2017)

I've also had "the *other* left!!" 

I've never had so many bad remarks about a horse than I have with current mare who seems to have a mental block about going forward in a school sometimes... it's like riding with the handbrake on. I just know that when it comes off, it will be like having a Ferrari, but right now, it's an antique Massey Ferguson that needs a good oiling.


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## Destario (6 February 2017)

I used to have a fear of falling off until bronco pony where falling off was mandatory. I remember having a lesson on how to fall off properly and chucked myself off so many times that it was cured almost instantly. Never forpet the instructor yelling 'fall off to the right at k please, tuck and roll!' Once I relaxed about that I fell off less as the tension about falling vanished. Led to some excellent staying on moments. If only we had video phones back then! He'd chuck instructors off too. You were only safe if you were under 4 when he'd be an absolute angel. 

I love it when instructors get on and realise exactly what you have to deal with. My eventing trainer hopped on my pony once during a jump lesson and stated that he was completely unrideable in canter at a jump. Got off and changed the exercise completely to help him better. Made me feel not so awful about the whole mental canter to a fence that has thankfully almost gone!


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## Hexx (6 February 2017)

Three stick in my mind.

An very young instructor on a riding holiday once said to me "you're not a brilliant rider, but you are better than you think you are".  The whole class went quiet as we tried to work out whether she had actually insulted me or not.  After a few in the bar at the end of the day, we decided she had not been very nice and told the owners we didn't want her again.

I hate jumping and my instructor would always check how badly my hands were shaking before putting the jumps up.  If they were shaking too badly to hold the reins, then I could stop!  Anyway, this particular Saturday I had started a course of anti-depressants (marriage break-up) and was as high as a kite!  We started jumping and I kept going - she was checking for the shaking - none!  Up the height went to about 3'6 and finally she burst out "What the ******* are you on?!"  "Drugs!" I replied "Stick it up some more!"  To which she fell about laughing and couldn't stop.

And finally, I was riding a little cob that I absolutely loved and she used to go beautifully for me (not trying to brag, but she did).  It was a new instructor who was taking us for the first time and she asked me who I was riding. "Polly" I said.  "No you're not" she said.  "Yes, I am" I replied.  the others in the class backed me up as to who I was riding, but she was convinced we were being nasty and not giving her the right names of the horses because she was new.  In the end she complained to the RS owner about me - who turned round and said "She was riding Polly, that's the way Polly goes when she rides her!" and the woman had to apologise.  She didn't last long!


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## Wimbles (6 February 2017)

On a lesson with Blyth Tate,

"Well now, that's a first.  I've never seen a horse actually catch it's own rider mid air!" 

Tiger is EXTREMELY genuine to jump!


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## j1ffy (6 February 2017)

There are some great ones in here!

I had a German instructor (now sadly passed on) in Hong Kong, a grumpy but talented trainer who thought men were naturally better riders than women (I wish he had still been teaching me when the London Olympics took place - there weren't many men on the dressage podium..!). He once told me to "think like a rider, not like a woman!!"


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## Slightlyconfused (6 February 2017)

Charlie007 said:



			Similar saying ' don't dip, dazzle!'
		
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Mine just tells me to stick your boobs out &#128514; 

Also.to get we to sit deep and not rotate my pelvis forward I have to imagine I'm sitting on my favourite actors hands......Chris Hemsworth has very nice hands that help support my bottom &#128514;


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## ycbm (6 February 2017)

Geoff Billington isn't known forhis diplomacy, for good reason. In a lesson with him twenty five years ago, a rider club member told him that she only ever jumped once a year when he came to teach us. As she rode of towards the first jump he said loudly, 'she's a nice woman but she's so effin stupid. '  only he didn't say effin iykwim


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## Fidgety (6 February 2017)

Slightlyconfused said:



			Also.to get we to sit deep and not rotate my pelvis forward I have to imagine I'm sitting on my favourite actors hands......Chris Hemsworth has very nice hands that help support my bottom &#55357;&#56834;
		
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That's just made me LOL!


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## Sheep (6 February 2017)

"There is something fundamentally wrong with that animal!!!" 
I think that was his way of throwing in the towel with us. This was a local and fairly well respected (not by my horse apparently) dressage rider. He refused to teach us any more. So we found a trainer who understands her


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## chillipup (7 February 2017)

Trying to establish a good rising trot as a beginner. Instructor...'You're not trying to jump out the saddle, just scuff the muff !!


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## Mamamia (7 February 2017)

"Keep him, keep him...*sigh* remember who is supposed to be in charge here" as we power off down the long side in extended trot


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## Jenni_ (7 February 2017)

FfionWinnie said:



			Could be, you are also in Scotland aren't you?  I'll give you his initials to protect the not very innocent "DH" 

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He has also told me off in a similar fashion for just sitting quietly and praying the horse does all the work for me  

Not aforementioned DH... but when I was young, fearless, and sticky, a showjumper said to me 'If we could bottle your arse and sell it, we'd be millionaires. It would make good riders great, and bad riders at least stay on.' .... wish I'd taken his advice and bottled some for years to come!


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## ihatework (7 February 2017)

The one I will never, ever forget ...

Back in my late teens/early 20's I did a bit of ad hoc work for a local yard, primarily dressage but they had a couple out eventing as well. Anyway the rather old and very eccentric 'Lady' was giving me a lesson one day. It was going fine as far as I was concerned and then out of the blue she piped up with (in a very plummy voice) 'girl you have fat thighs. I used to have fat thighs but then I had a baby and they went. I think you might need to have a baby'
I mean what can you say to that?!!!!


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## sarahann1 (7 February 2017)

OMG, some of these are absolutely brilliant, if nothing else it goes to prove we really do need a sense of humour to have horses! 

I've had "the other left/right" numerous times and "where ARE you GOING?" more often than I care to remember....


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## Morgan123 (7 February 2017)

My favourite was "have you got a gammy leg dear?" about why my toes were pointing outwards (OK they do, but they aren't THAT bad, and I am very critical of my riding so I'd be the first to complain about it if they were!! haha). 

She wasn't remotely embarrassed when I said no though!


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## milliepops (7 February 2017)

Had a giggle in my lesson this morning, one of Kira's over reach boots was coming off so we stopped to fix it.  I said 'they're not very good' and explained that as K has such enormous feet, giant size boots are hard to come back.  Response:

" she needs those giant feet to plant in the middle of the arena like that, they are suction cups!"


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## Under-the-radar (7 February 2017)

milliepops said:



			Fab story  I had similar with a now ex-trainer, who kept telling me I had the wrong horse and needed something better.  Well... you know, this is the one I've got, so...  Dread to think what she'd make of Kira!!
		
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I had someone tell me this about my current horse.  Yes - maybe she isn't the "perfect" model for being a dressage horse.  BUT do I love her to the moon and back - yes.  Does she make me smile every time I ride her - YES.  Am I going to sell her to buy a "dressage horse" - errrrr NOPE! 

Maybe if I was ultra competitive and wanted to win every show I could have listened to her, but instead I will keep doing what I'm doing- training the horse.  She is at least the 3rd person who walked away from this little horse - and (IMO) they all made a big mistake!  They just weren't asking the right questions of her! 

Back to the OP - I generally don't have my trainer saying things to me - more like me telling my trainer that I am being a numpty or not being able to coordinate myself to certain things.  I have had trainers in the past who spent the entire lesson telling me I was rubbish and my horse was rubbish - so I only stick with nice people these days


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## milliepops (7 February 2017)

Under-the-radar said:



			I had someone tell me this about my current horse.  Yes - maybe she isn't the "perfect" model for being a dressage horse.  BUT do I love her to the moon and back - yes.  Does she make me smile every time I ride her - YES.  Am I going to sell her to buy a "dressage horse" - errrrr NOPE!
		
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awww that's the thing isn't it. Sometimes it's the right horse *for YOU*.  I feel the same about my silly sec D who I'm trying to make into a dressage horse.  I might have been persuaded to sell her before, but now.. you know what?  I'd miss her funny face terribly! And her suction cup giganta-feet


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## tallyho! (7 February 2017)

Doesn't anyone else think that "stick your boobs out" or "turn up your headlamps" makes you curve your back? I just tried that and it would give me backache....  is it meant to relax your shoulders?


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## MagicMelon (7 February 2017)

I tend to prefer the gobbier trainers, I like the ones that most people don't as I find if they're totally honest then I try far harder. Ive been told numerous things, quite a few dumb blonde comments by one particular male instructor who is disliked by many for his personal remarks. The most recent remark that hit a slight nerve was a trainer asking very politely if I had had some bad injuries or falls as my body was so squint!  Perfectly nice question, but in my head Im wondering how on earth I fix that!


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## Destario (7 February 2017)

It's for people who are collapsing soktheir spine is curving out. Doesnt work for peoflekwith good back alignment but couched shoulders. Generally an elbow workout will help that. 

I did a fun mistake in my jump lesson today. 'over the bounce and right turn to orange upright' (180 degree turn) brain said yes body said bounces to dog leg x pole which led to 'that's a x pole, not an upright and it's not even orange!'


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## helenchat (7 February 2017)

I love all of these!
I had a great pony club instructor who was well known for running after a disappearing jockey shouting: "don't you dare fall off!!"
A gem from last weeks lesson when my instructor got frustrated with me hollowing my back whilst jumping: "That was the ugliest thing I have ever seen- never do that again!!"
And a personal favourite whilst xc training : "if you take your leg off when you jump these steps, I promise I will hurl things at you- abuse, my shoe, that rock!"


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## teapot (7 February 2017)

tallyho! said:



			Doesn't anyone else think that "stick your boobs out" or "turn up your headlamps" makes you curve your back? I just tried that and it would give me backache....  is it meant to relax your shoulders?
		
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It's a reminder for me to sit up rather than curve my back as I've got tall-itus. Regularly told to ride like Dolly.


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## alainax (7 February 2017)

" I will remove the outside rein completely if you don't stop it " ( she would as well!) 
" think trot" ( when we are stuck in canter for an inexplicable reason ) 
"Pat it"
" lean left, like really left, falling off the saddle left, then you will be straight" ( on lateral work, you can imagine how far to the right i was leaning for this comment). 
 "Smile" ( this works well for me in tense situations!)


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## EventingMum (7 February 2017)

A famous, now deceased, show jumper was doing a 3 day clinic. I was a shy 17 year old on my amazing but small (15h) unlikely looking horse.  On the first day he was dividing us into groups and decided to do this by affiliated winnings. He went round asking everyone what classes they jumped and how much they had won. When he came to me he didn't ask just said "You'll be in that group" indicating the less experienced group. I was too shy to say anything but he then ask each group what they wanted to work on and I summoned the courage to say I wanted to work on related distances over bigger fences as I didn't have a school and we had a big competition coming up. He asked what that competition was and nearly fell over when I said it was the Foxhunter Final at HOYS. We were then invited to join the other group!


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## hippocobamus (8 February 2017)

I prefer not to dwell on most of the comments that I receive ... i'm not a naturally gifted rider and that's why I have a part bred hippo, rather than a flash sports horse!


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## Alibear (8 February 2017)

I'm rather new to western and as having my first go at a gate.
"You do need to open the gate before you try and ride through it"
I think I'm going to need more lessons


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## Cherryblossom (8 February 2017)

At a camp many years ago, the instructor objected to me putting a stronger bit in for the jumping lesson, saying that she wasn't strong. She made me change back to a snaffle and got on my mare, asked for trot and promptly disappeared around the corner of the racetrack at full gallop. After a few minutes she arrives back and says "she's not strong, she's just stupid"... she was clever enough to not tank off when bitted appropriately!


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## 1life (16 February 2017)

I'm loving these!
I started training at a yard that had many visiting pro's for clinics. One international sj'er always managed to get the best out of me, but his comments included 'If you drive like you ride, please warn me next time your on the road' and if I ever fell off 'Have I broken you?'. 
My particularly large - chested friend couldn't contain her laughter when she 'bounced' towards a fence and he muttered 'Someone fetch me an elasticated bandage'. She didn't mind and quipped back 'At least it draws your attention away from my riding' .


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## Boulty (17 February 2017)

Last week (ie when it was blooming freezing, even indoors!) my instructor was asking me whether I'd felt the change in the contact I had in my outside hand now that my horse was actually straight / now that we'd stopped having an argument (or something to that effect). My response was that I could no longer feel my outside hand...


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## SEL (17 February 2017)

chillipup said:



			Trying to establish a good rising trot as a beginner. Instructor...'You're not trying to jump out the saddle, just scuff the muff !!

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Oh god - I teach beginners. I'm never, ever going to be able to teach rising trot again without giggling.


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## ilvpippa (17 February 2017)

Lesson today with poles with my horse who was being a lazy toad and dragging himself over them. He had his head in his hands at one point. This is the horse who last time started bronzing the minute I got my foot in the stirrup. Ha


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## TheMule (17 February 2017)

A well known event trainer/ rider told me that my horse was 'The type you'd find tied to a lamp post in Ireland' 
He's not wrong, but he did have to admit that she does jump, despite appearances!


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## sarahann1 (20 February 2017)

Seems this thread has inspired a H&H article &#128514; 

http://www.horseandhound.co.uk/features/14-things-horse-riding-trainers-say-541943


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## FfionWinnie (20 February 2017)

Think the thread was funnier!


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## milliepops (20 February 2017)

FfionWinnie said:



			Think the thread was funnier!
		
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^^ yup, something got lost in translation there


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## tallyho! (20 February 2017)

Whose trainer says tits n teeth??


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## sarahann1 (21 February 2017)

tallyho! said:



			Whose trainer says tits n teeth?? 

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He's never said it to me, but one of mine has been known to say it, along with 'let your beavers breathe' &#128563;


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## tallyho! (21 February 2017)

sarahann1 said:



			He's never said it to me, but one of mine has been known to say it, along with 'let your beavers breathe' &#55357;&#56883;
		
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I can understands the mechanics of that.... but not the tits up thing unless you're really stooping.


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## sarahann1 (21 February 2017)

tallyho! said:



			I can understands the mechanics of that.... but not the tits up thing unless you're really stooping.
		
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It's helpful for curly shouldered folk like myself, I need to physically work to keep them back, I have winged scapula so it's harder for me than your average joe.


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## Kat (21 February 2017)

tallyho! said:



			Whose trainer says tits n teeth?? 

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One of mine had a slight expansion of that one, it was lift your Ts

There was a clean version for kids which was something like Teeth, Tummy button, thumbs and toes and a rather ruder version for grownups which was Teeth, tits, t**t,  and toes!


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## sarahann1 (19 March 2017)

Not said to me, said to another person in the lesson "get your hand out of your fanny!".

&#128514;&#128514;&#128514;&#128514;


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## ycbm (19 March 2017)

I was on a three day course with a famous show jumping name from the past. His school was only 20x60, the roof leaked leaving a dangerous slippery wet spot to be avoided, and the surface was rock hard, so I was not impressed in the first place having driven two horses a long way from home to pay for the 'excellent facilities' in his advert in the BE magazine.

He made it clear that he thought that my more difficult horse was due to my riding him wrong, and that my better horse was because he was just a natural.  (He knew I had broken and trained them both.)  On the third day, in front of the class of three, he said 'I'll bet he was a natural from day one, wasn't he?'. When I'd stopped laughing,  I said 'His pet name for the first year was 'Demolition Dan'.


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