# Please excuse me while I die of idiot disease.



## Starzaan (12 October 2010)

SO... 

I am casually mooching about at home after a hard morning's painting my yard - no make up on, hair up, about 5 zillion layers on under a big, painty fleece, and some very strange slippers...thinking I am just going to be home for a while to eat some lunch and make some important businessy phone calls...rather enjoying being at home for a change having moved back in while my yard gets sorted out...

cue a VERY loud and crazy Nazi-esque knock at the door....

I shuffle over in my mingingness to answer the door thinking it's a friend from the next village bringing me some figs (not for waxing!)....



but no 



it's the bloody farrier. 









and his bloody flat mate. 





and my dog. 




My lovely darling dog heard his van up the road at a friend's yard, and went visiting, so mister super sexy brought him back when he'd finished working.



Cut to my mother and I having a complete melt down and turning into a pair of right dicks. My mother mostly just ran about shrieking "COME IN AND HAVE A SAUSAGE!!!" while I just stood and died inside thinking "I am the rankest looking rank thing from rank town, please just go away and leave me to die alone quietly".


Both of them were lovely and charming as always. 

I was a knob, and looked like I should really crawl back into the drain I crawled out of. 



Now please excuse me while I go and stick my head in a bucket of whelks and hope they suck out my soul.


----------



## missyme10 (12 October 2010)

ha ha, to funny 
Did the Whelks succeed ? x


----------



## reindeerlover (12 October 2010)

Oh no. You poor poor thing, I am so sorry. Do you want to borrow my bucket to drown yourself in?


----------



## Sparkles (12 October 2010)

Oh hun.

Is it so wrong of me to be laughing [just a little bit??!].

If it makes you feel better...I had a proper hot feed bloke turn up this morning...cue me sporting sweaty hat hair and jeans which the knobhead horse had split just prior to him arriving!


----------



## Bowen4Horses (12 October 2010)

"come in and have a sausage"???

really???

hahahahahha


ahahahahahahahaha


ahahahahahahahahahahahah

*breathe*

ahahahahahaha

*snort*

ahahahahaha

*chokes*


----------



## Starzaan (12 October 2010)

Sadly I am not dead yet. 


I seem to be doing a lot of whimpering and wailing. I'm an arse. And laughter is not allowed Binky, or I'll chuck the whelks on you!!!!

And Clippy - it gets worse, 

she actually ran outside to ask the flat mate if HE would like a sausage.


----------



## Sparkles (12 October 2010)

It was the sausage thing that got me too. I'm so sorry. Lmao.


----------



## greenlivery (12 October 2010)

Perhaps the sausages will have done the job? He might want to come back for more!


----------



## wipeout (12 October 2010)

I have had the worst day ever and just when I was thinking about going to bed without cracking a smile all day.................




.............along comes a Starzaan post.

Brilliant!


----------



## Allover (12 October 2010)

clipcloppop said:



			"come in and have a sausage"???

really???

hahahahahha


ahahahahahahahaha


ahahahahahahahahahahahah

*breathe*

ahahahahahaha

*snort*

ahahahahaha

*chokes*
		
Click to expand...

Same, "sausage" ha ha ha, i need to get some sides on my chair for when i read your posts, thanks


----------



## Starzaan (12 October 2010)

HEY NOW! I am here suffering with ugly disease and humiliation, and you lot are all laughing like drains and falling off your chairs!!

I hope you fall onto a stray plug with the prongy things facing up. And I hope it pokes you in the bottom. 

HARD.


----------



## Thelwell_Girl (12 October 2010)

See, I knew that Whelks were evil! They suck souls. That is ICK!

Oh Starzaan, is this the same doglet that went running away over fields causing you much distress?


----------



## Jesstickle (12 October 2010)

Oh mate. I'm not laughing. This always happens to me and it is the pits!!!!!

Before my bf was my bf I had surgery on my knee and he turned up as a suprise the day I got home from hospital and I was so mortified at the state I looked I stormed off ( as much as I could on crutches and morphine) crying my eyes out.

It's rubbish. I'm sure you looked fine though. Honestly. You sound like a hotty to me, with all these men chasing after you, so I can only assume you look just fine in several fleeces and a pair of slippers

They sounds weird and lezzy but I don't mean it like that honest!


----------



## Honey08 (12 October 2010)

Did they take mother up on her sausages offer?!!


----------



## Starzaan (12 October 2010)

*SNIFFLE* 

I wouldn't mind you coming over all lesbian.

At least that would mean SOMEONE thought I was a hotty, and not a thing resembling the back end of a cow AFTER a beating with the mascara-less ugly stick.


----------



## Starzaan (12 October 2010)

Honey08 said:



			Did they take mother up on her sausages offer?!!
		
Click to expand...

No, FF was annoyingly funny and perfect and merely said "OOH innuendo bingo in this house then eh?!" 

I think I might have snorted.


----------



## 3DE (12 October 2010)

Oh dear! I did the booby dance at the window once when my OH came home - farrier was in the car 



Starzaan said:



			HEY NOW! I am here suffering with ugly disease and humiliation, and you lot are all laughing like drains and falling off your chairs!!

I hope you fall onto a stray plug with the prongy things facing up. And I hope it pokes you in the bottom. 

HARD.
		
Click to expand...

Oh no - standing, bare foot on a piece of lego!


----------



## MochaDun (12 October 2010)

Brilliant.  I think you should get the Farrier Saga published and then with that and Hovis's diary you'll both conquer and be in positions 1 & 2 of the Christmas Top Ten Books...I can't wait.  I nearly inhaled my naan bread at  your mother's comment...


----------



## Jesstickle (12 October 2010)

Well if you get desperate I'll be here and I'll put aside my, I wouldn't know what to do with a girl, hang ups especially for you. But only because you sound so mortified!


----------



## Starzaan (12 October 2010)

Inky_and_Sunny said:



			Oh dear! I did the booby dance at the window once when my OH came home - farrier was in the car 



Oh no - standing, bare foot on a piece of lego!
		
Click to expand...

See, I would RATHER have been doing the morag dance... at least then my morags would have got a good old wafting in their turquoise morag restrainer.


----------



## Bowen4Horses (12 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			I think I might have snorted.
		
Click to expand...

oh classy. realy classy. 

p.s. i need to hear more about your slippers.


----------



## Starzaan (12 October 2010)

clipcloppop said:



			oh classy. realy classy. 

p.s. i need to hear more about your slippers.
		
Click to expand...


Grey, with little sheepies on them, lots of fluff, and lots of mud on the bottom from a little dancey dancey moment in the mud with my doggy. 

Actually the sexiest things in the world.


----------



## tinkandlily (12 October 2010)

MochaDun said:



			I nearly inhaled my naan bread at  your mother's comment...
		
Click to expand...

Same, but with garlic bread


----------



## joeanne (12 October 2010)

clipcloppop said:



			i need to hear more about your slippers.
		
Click to expand...

I need to stop laughing before I pee myself....

Your mum honestly offered the hot farrier a sausage? 

*falls of chair laughing*


----------



## Moggy in Manolos (12 October 2010)

Your write up of the whole thing is bloody hilarious! Did make me laugh. not great when the sexy farrier catches you looking less than your best, I always like to look nice for mine too  They take the mick in work about me having my sexy/hot farrier every time he visits!


----------



## Jinete12 (12 October 2010)

Hilarious! I love your posts Starzaan. I'd be having words with your mum for the sausage thing if I was you! Love it!


----------



## Starzaan (12 October 2010)

I DEMAND sympathy. 

You're all useless. 

My mother also did megaphone hands and very nearly locked FF in my car with a tin of paint. 

Poor man is never going to come back.


----------



## jodie3 (12 October 2010)

Is fit farrier's flatmate a farrier too?  if not is it a little worrying that he appears to be joined at the hip with ff?

Where is the lovely mechanic while all these sausages are being offered?

I think you have some competition with your Mother when it comes to ff, are you sure he is not secretly coming to visit her?  She does seem very taken by his manly charms.


----------



## joeanne (12 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			My mother also did megaphone hands and very nearly locked FF in my car with a tin of paint. 

Poor man is never going to come back.
		
Click to expand...

Megaphone hands! Oh Starzaan......your mum is priceless!!!!
I am going to do that to my kids the next time they are naughty! LOLOL


----------



## tinkandlily (12 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			I DEMAND sympathy. 

You're all useless. 

My mother also did megaphone hands and very nearly locked FF in my car with a tin of paint. 

Poor man is never going to come back.
		
Click to expand...

Oh, poor you, that must have been awful
Have a big chocolate cake on me

How was that?


----------



## Bowen4Horses (12 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			very nearly locked FF in my car with a tin of paint. 

.
		
Click to expand...

how? how on earth?

good god, you're both mad...


----------



## Jesstickle (12 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			I DEMAND sympathy. 

You're all useless. 

My mother also did megaphone hands and very nearly locked FF in my car with a tin of paint. 

Poor man is never going to come back.
		
Click to expand...

I offered to become a lesbian! What more do you want woman!


----------



## tinkandlily (12 October 2010)

jesstickle said:



			i offered to become a lesbian! What more do you want woman!
		
Click to expand...

pmsl:d:d


----------



## Bertthefrog (12 October 2010)

Your mother is a legend.....

Whilst I have to admit to nearly spitting my tea all over the laptop working my way through the threads - I would like to offer some words of comfort....

A gorgeous guy I had met once before appeared unannounced on my doorstep - I too resembled a bog body and probably didn't smell much better. I have now been married to him for nearly 6 years. Besides - it'll give him the opportunity to take the mick out of you mercilessly for months to come.....


----------



## blitznbobs (12 October 2010)

I think you should gather all these posts together and write a book... you'd make a fortune..

Blitz


----------



## Vodkagirly (12 October 2010)

Starzaan

Its punishment for not worshipping the lovely mechanic


----------



## tinkandlily (12 October 2010)

bertthefrog said:



			Your mother is a legend.....

Whilst I have to admit to nearly spitting my tea all over the laptop working my way through the threads - I would like to offer some words of comfort....

A gorgeous guy I had met once before appeared unannounced on my doorstep - I too resembled a bog body and probably didn't smell much better. I have now been married to him for nearly 6 years. Besides - it'll give him the opportunity to take the mick out of you mercilessly for months to come.....
		
Click to expand...

Come to think of it, when i met my OH i had just finished a full days work on the yard, and in desperate need of a bath, and we have been together for 4 yrs. They must be attracted to the smell of horse


----------



## MrsMozart (12 October 2010)

I am so sorry, but if I laugh any harder I will indeed expire.

Sorry. 

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. 

As sorry as a sausage weilding mother wearing whelk earrings and singing "You are my sunshine!".

I'm going now, whilst I can still breathe.


----------



## dibbin (12 October 2010)

Aaw ... *makes sympathy noises*

Chin up, maybe he thought you were marvellous, and now he's seen you at your worst, every time he sees you from now on you'll look better than that!

I've been with my OH for 2 years, we re-met at a barbecue at which I was wearing flowery shorts and playing touch rugby; I later got drunk and fell over a lot. He asked me out a week later. Men are weird, they find weird things attractive. Although of course you are lovely and beautiful and drop-dead gorgeous even in your fleeces and slippers - I mean that in a non-lesbiany way, as always - and NOT AT ALL WEIRD. Not at all. Nuh-uh, not in any way. 

I think your mum is, though, sorry. But so is mine - the first time she met OH she was in the middle of getting her hair dyed by my gran and looked like she had some kind of placenta-type thing on her head. True story.

Anyway, sympathy ... there there


----------



## somethingorother (12 October 2010)

Some men like the natural, cave woman, fleece overload look you know 

But the saussage thing is priceless! Hahaha. Mad mother, that must be where you get it from.

You always make me laugh


----------



## Natch (12 October 2010)

There are no words to describe how funny I find this post. Nor emoticons. Classic.


----------



## Kao (12 October 2010)

The sausage comment, and the rank comment.
Made my day :')


----------



## DH1 (12 October 2010)

Just a thought.... I wonder (after Starzaans book is a best seller) who will play the part of Starzaan and the Farrier in the ensuing movie ???


----------



## dibbin (12 October 2010)

Remember, we will also need someone to play Mr Mechanic, the farrier's flatmate, and of course Starzaan's Mum.


----------



## Starzaan (12 October 2010)

I shall play myself. Nobody can welly dance like me.


And then maybe I'll get FF to play himself and I'll get to snog his face off. 

Even if it's just pretend like. 


And my mechanic is still very much around and is still lovely, but for some reason FF still makes me feel sick and fluttery and ridiculous. 

POO.


----------



## MrsMozart (12 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			I DEMAND sympathy. 

You're all useless. 

My mother also did megaphone hands and *very nearly locked FF in my car with a tin of paint. *

Poor man is never going to come back.
		
Click to expand...

How??????


----------



## MrsMozart (12 October 2010)

dibbin said:



			Remember, we will also need someone to play Mr Mechanic, the farrier's flatmate, and of course Starzaan's Mum.
		
Click to expand...

Who's going to play the sausage...???


----------



## brighteyes (12 October 2010)

I'm sorry but I am helpless with laughter... Please become a nun, as I almost can't take any more.

*_wipes tears from eyes and picks self up from floor AGAIN_*


----------



## Starzaan (12 October 2010)

Well she was desperately trying to make him spend time with me, and going about it in the way of a mad woman from mad land. So she did her sausage dance, then did megaphone hands, then got all mental and started trying to make him come and help me paint my yard. 

At one point I'm sure she nearly picked him up and put him in my car, paintbrush in hand. 


Now, in an ideal world, he would turn up at the yard one day this week, ready to help me paint. But in Starzaan world, these things don't happen, so I'll paint all by myself, and then hear that he got eaten up by his own bum or something equally hideous, and will not be shoeing my horses ever again.


----------



## DH1 (12 October 2010)

POO indeed 

Starzaan you must have a terminal case of lust for the Farrier if you are pass on the chance to song the face off:-

Johnny Depp
John Abraham
Orlando Bloom
RobertPattinson
Josh Holloway

etc etc etc......


----------



## mik (12 October 2010)

brilliant!


----------



## MrsMozart (12 October 2010)

I know I'm going to regret asking this, but please do tell me, the sausage dance is in no way related to the welly dance is it....?


----------



## brighteyes (12 October 2010)

On the other hand, after today's experiences with a spontaneously exploding lorry tyre and the resulting traumas before the lorry was able to trundle off up the motorway again...

...can I have some of whatever it is you are on?


----------



## tinkandlily (12 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			At one point I'm sure she nearly picked him up and put him in my car, paintbrush in hand. 




			I bet that was embarassing, how did FF react? Did he have a look on his face that said GET ME OUT OF HERE?
		
Click to expand...



Click to expand...


----------



## Starzaan (12 October 2010)

DH1 said:



			POO indeed 

Starzaan you must have a terminal case of lust for the Farrier if you are pass on the chance to song the face off:-

Johnny Depp
John Abraham
Orlando Bloom
RobertPattinson
Josh Holloway

etc etc etc......
		
Click to expand...

Sadly, I would choose FF over anyone. 

Bloody FF. Bloody mother.

Bloody sausages. 


(and no MrsM, the sausage dance does not follow the welly dance, although if another section of the sausage dance followed the welly dance, I would not be complaining!!!!)


----------



## tinkandlily (12 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			and then hear that he got eaten up by his own bum or something equally hideous, and will not be shoeing my horses ever again.
		
Click to expand...

Thats the funniest thing i've ever heard


----------



## farriersmum (12 October 2010)

OK so I am reading this with the laptop on the arm of the sofa, and the OH is on the sofa too; he said, what's wrong with hr, get her to get her kit on and ask him back!
Simples!


----------



## Vizslak (12 October 2010)

PMSL...like seriously, I have tears rolling down my face...HHO has never done this to me before! Oh my!


----------



## Starzaan (12 October 2010)

Farriersmum - your OH clearly has big swingy brass balls made of manliness and bravery. 

I do not. 


I have also given up on the farrier ever adoring me.... or even partaking in a casual face lick.... so I really shouldn't be as mortified as I am.

But it would be nice to not have looked like the rank sausage wielding maniac that I am.


----------



## flirtygerty (12 October 2010)

Pretty please, can I play your mad mother, I've had plenty of practise


----------



## DH1 (12 October 2010)

mmmm FF is proving a hard one to bag.

The amazing Morag restrainer hasn't worked yet and I thought food was the way to a mans heart, but the Sausage didn't work either (unless he's a vegetarian Farrier??!!)


----------



## PonyIAmNotFood (12 October 2010)

I love love love these threads, never fail to cheer me up.


----------



## Starzaan (12 October 2010)

Well I'm very pleased that SOMEONE is enjoying my AGONY!!!

I am SUPPOSED to be adoring my mechanic. Which I do. But UGNVEFDDVBIRHJWEKLFNMDASBD




Right, I'm off to bed with my bucket of whelks. 


If you never hear from me again you'll know that they sucked out my soul... please take a moment to think of my soulless morags wafting gently in the breeze, with emotive classical piano music playing in the background. Then a montage ensues...


----------



## Ebenezer_Scrooge (12 October 2010)

Well it could have been worse, your mum could have asked him to play hide the sausage....


----------



## NicoleS_007 (12 October 2010)

Sausage!!! That made me laugh, im sorry  But atleast you got your dog back


----------



## MrsMozart (12 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Well I'm very pleased that SOMEONE is enjoying my AGONY!!!

I am SUPPOSED to be adoring my mechanic. Which I do. But UGNVEFDDVBIRHJWEKLFNMDASBD




Right, I'm off to bed with my bucket of whelks. 


If you never hear from me again you'll know that they sucked out my soul... please take a moment to think of my soulless morags wafting gently in the breeze, with emotive classical piano music playing in the background. Then a montage ensues...
		
Click to expand...


Please! I beg of you! No montage - I am not yet strong enough for a montage of morags....


----------



## CalllyH (12 October 2010)

brilliant - however his reply to the sausage question sounds like he is defo interested there!


----------



## Thelwell_Girl (12 October 2010)

Ooh can I be in the FF + Starzaan movie? Pleeeeease?? 

I can be a Whelk!


----------



## maletto (12 October 2010)

Starzaan. you are tooooooooo funny. don't worry my dear - apparently men LOVE the "natural" look. you are right in there. 

especially with the whelks on your face!!

just kidding - men are so oblivious, he probably didn't notice that you weren't up to your usual hot self & was prob wondering why you and your mum were running around shouting about sausages!


----------



## Llewellyn (12 October 2010)

To quickly cheer you up used to be a groom/au pair for a farrier who had two yummy apprentices. First day at work dressed make up for 7am to do horses two topless men hammering metal over a big forge.
Three years later pj's, wellies, coat over top to do horses hay in hair. *shrug*
So only takes three years.
The change came when I came out of bed to find one making hot chocolate in the kitchen of my flat as the kettle wasn't working in the work shop. 

PS and as a note neither of them was that 'great' in the end  but good mates. miss waking up to the tinking banging of metal on metal and the sarcastic/ suggestive comments at ungodly hours. 

And when you get up close they always seem to smell like burnt horse...its in their skin however much they wash in their hair (I like the smell now guess its assosiation)


----------



## Dubsie (13 October 2010)

Starzaan does it not occur to you they kidnapped your dog as an excuse to call in to see you? 

IMO you don't need to waft morags or do welly dances, just carry on as you are. 
(but don't drown yourself in whelks)


----------



## Ladyinred (13 October 2010)

It occurs to me that Starzaan's mum might have a certain penchant for the farrier herself. Hence the discombobulation every time she sees him, resulting in tactless and suggestive sausage-type remarks, megaphone hands (OMG that made me laugh) and efforts to bundle his tasty body into the car.

Watch her, Starzaan. Watch her wellies and watch out for signs of incipient morag-wafting.


----------



## Enfys (13 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			HEY NOW! I am here suffering with ugly disease and humiliation, and you lot are all laughing like drains and falling off your chairs!!

I hope you fall onto a stray plug with the prongy things facing up. And I hope it pokes you in the bottom. 

HARD.
		
Click to expand...

Sobbing here. Have you ANY idea how hard it is to cackle with laughter QUIETLY because OH and child are asleep?  I have teeth marks in my hand...it's late I am still trying to figure out megaphone hands though ?

Starzaan I love you, I think your Mother must be related to mine.


----------



## Chavhorse (13 October 2010)

dibbin said:



			Remember, we will also need someone to play Mr Mechanic, the farrier's flatmate, and of course Starzaan's Mum.
		
Click to expand...

Julie Walters to Play Starzaan's Mum ))))))  I can actually imagine her doing the "Ohhhh come in for a sausage " line

It is 7am here and trying to make OH understand why I am snorting over the laptop and why I have just spat coffee over the floor....priceless

sorry!


----------



## dibbin (13 October 2010)

Sitting in my kitchen, alone, at 7am ... sobbing with silent laughter at -  "rank sausage wielding maniac" ... BAHAHAHAHA


----------



## Groom42 (13 October 2010)

joeanne said:



			Your mum honestly offered the hot farrier a sausage?
		
Click to expand...


Oh, it could have been worse - she could have used megaphone hands to offer the farrier a HOT sausage!


----------



## Sparkles (13 October 2010)

enfys said:



			I have teeth marks in my hand...it's late I am still trying to figure out megaphone hands though ?
		
Click to expand...








Like that, I think?!


----------



## Allover (13 October 2010)

dibbin said:



			Remember, we will also need someone to play Mr Mechanic, the farrier's flatmate, and of course Starzaan's Mum.
		
Click to expand...

Is there not also the camper van driving ex, or have i got confused?!!


----------



## Berpisc (13 October 2010)

Thankyou Starzaan, for sharing your pain, and incidentally cheering up my day...cant help but think of a Mrs Overall type Julie Walters wielding a Bratwurst...


----------



## Cavalier (13 October 2010)

Yet another coffee over keyboard moment - priceless!!  Your Mum is as mad as mine, I didn't think a second one could exist.

PS. How long did it take you to train your dog to round up farriers?


----------



## Angua2 (13 October 2010)

OMG.... I have tears rolling down my face...... I must be feeling your pain ( or it might be that I am reading this in the office and biting my knuckles to stop making an arse of my self!)


----------



## guido16 (13 October 2010)

You are as mad as a box of kippers.

What is going on with ff **uglier than ugly, wish she would self implode** girlfriend?


----------



## Pipkin (13 October 2010)

tEE HEEEEEE soooo funny  but look at it this way

FF could have always dropped doggie in garden and left him there...or just left him on the yard he was on...but no he brought doggie to your house and knocked on your door and had a conversaton with you!!!  Your in there...or would have been if mega phone sausage weilding woman didnt acoste him!!!

Get your wellies on and go get him!!!!


----------



## DH1 (13 October 2010)

So, 
Julie Walter is to play the part of Starzaans Mum in the style of Mrs Overall/Brendas Mum Petula Gardeno, in Dinner Ladies 

What about Katie Price for the part of FFs ex ?? Or would this challenge Starzaans wafting Morags, or over Morag the whole movie?


----------



## posie_honey (13 October 2010)

i just snorted tea over my pc at work 
i think some may still be stuck up my nose


----------



## Starzaan (13 October 2010)

I would just like to point out that not ONE of you has noticed that I'm dead. 






How rude! 



The camper van driving ex is still lovely and sexy and campervanny, but he's also far away so that's not happening. The mechanic is still lovely and wonderful, and has broken his foot so I've been sucking up the humiliation and doing a very good impression of a very bad nurse... 

but I still adore FF. 




who now thinks that I'm even more deranged than two deranged things, and have escaped from a bin of raging ninnies.








ON THE BRIGHT SIDE - his hair was fluffy and sexy and not it's usual carefully styled self... so let us read into this an awful lot and assume that he spends just as much time in front of the mirror trying to pull off the "I didn't try at all but by jove aren't I a sexy pot of sex?!" look before coming to shoe my horses. 

I have to go on a rescue mission to the pub in the next village tonight and tomorrow night, as chef is dying of herpes or something and they said they'd pay me BARE DOLLAH (I really should be a gangster) if I saved their bottoms.... so let's just hope he turns up at THE CRAVEN ARMS IN BROCKHAMPTON to sweep me off my beer scented stool. 


Or let's hope I never have to see him again and have to re-live the hideous  sausage/megaphonehands/ranktastic episode.


----------



## bumblebee_ (13 October 2010)

clipcloppop said:



			"come in and have a sausage"???

really???

hahahahahha


ahahahahahahahaha


ahahahahahahahahahahahah

*breathe*

ahahahahahaha

*snort*

ahahahahaha

*chokes*
		
Click to expand...

Ditto (and I'm at work!!!)


----------



## guido16 (13 October 2010)

So are you replacing the scanky dying chef at the CRAVEN ARMS IN BROCKHAMPTON?

If so, what are you cooking?

Toad in the hole......


----------



## Ladyinred (13 October 2010)

guido16 said:



			So are you replacing the scanky dying chef at the CRAVEN ARMS IN BROCKHAMPTON?

If so, what are you cooking?

Toad in the hole......
		
Click to expand...

OMG I didn't think it possible to snort any more. And then I read this /\


----------



## Starzaan (13 October 2010)

No I am not cooking... although I do make the desserts and do a FIIINNEEE job...


I am in fact allowing the land lady to replace the dying chef, and will be busy out front being dazzling behind the bar and waitressing.


I LOATHE working in pubs. And it's a Wednesday, so Mr. Vulgar Ginger man will be there being vulgar all over the place. 


UGH.


----------



## little_critter (13 October 2010)

From the mouths of mothers.....
When I was still living at home a boy popped round to visit me.
Boy: Is Lucy in?
Mum: She's in the shower at the moment, would you like to see her?

Luckily boy was too polite to say "yes please!"


----------



## doris2008 (13 October 2010)

My god I love you! I feel like I'm reading a chapter from a jilly cooper novel every time I open a thread! 
Having once had an EXTREMELY FF in the past I totally understand where you're coming from....my situation was quite the opposite though. He offered it on a plate and I was annoyingly getting married a few weeks later. Such apalling timing.


----------



## DH1 (13 October 2010)

Ahh what a shame you are on Desserts, I have a great recipe for Sausage Surprise, then again FF had that yesterday didn't he


----------



## guido16 (13 October 2010)

So whats the likelyhood of FF being there?

Plan A

Sent FF a text (in error, meant for your friend)

"Sorry, cant help tonight, working at the CRAVEN ARMS"

Then if he replies, just reply to him with "oops, not meant for you, sorry"

Or, the minute you send it, send the 2nd text.

Am I a genuis or what?

( I do not require an answer for that.......Monty, shils etc)


----------



## Starzaan (13 October 2010)

DH1 said:



			Ahh what a shame you are on Desserts, I have a great recipe for Sausage Surprise, then again FF had that yesterday didn't he 

Click to expand...


Again, MISERY is my name.


----------



## SVMel (13 October 2010)

DH1 said:



			Ahh what a shame you are on Desserts, I have a great recipe for Sausage Surprise, then again FF had that yesterday didn't he 

Click to expand...

WHAAAAAAhahaha hahaha hahahahaha

My nose hurts, too much snorting.

HHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA



(Imagining your mum shrieking 'sausage surpriiiiiiissssseeeee' like Jean Slater in Eastenders with megephone hands..............)


----------



## MagicMelon (13 October 2010)

Lol, this happens to me all the time (not that my farrier is sexy!).  Because I keep my horses at my mums, I always mooch about there in old pyjama trousers (or "lounging" trousers I think is the technical term!) with an over-large jumper full of holes and covered in filth (well, a clean jumper is filthy within 1 day of being around the horses!).  And normally I finish of this stunning look with a pair of odd-matched socks (or worse, brighly coloured neon ones) and greay hair!  LOVELY! I think the postman and milkman are more shocked to see me in PROPER clothes nowadays!  The problem is crossing the road (which seperates mums house from the horses) in this horrendous get-up because I dont want anyone to see me (obviously) so I have to kinda hide behind a hedge if a car comes then run like hell! But hey, at least I now wear clothes - when I was a kid I used to do the horses in my pyjamas and if you were lucky a dressing gown over the top... what a sight.


----------



## MochaDun (13 October 2010)

Cavalier said:



			PS. How long did it take you to train your dog to round up farriers?
		
Click to expand...

What an excellent idea for someone to start up a class..

I'm not well and this thread is the only thing bringing a smile to my lips today.  Starzaan posts should be prescribed medicine.


----------



## Enfys (13 October 2010)

Binky01 said:









Like that, I think?!
		
Click to expand...

Gotcha, Thankyou   Of course, brain fart moment on my part.


----------



## Allover (13 October 2010)

guido16 said:



			So are you replacing the scanky dying chef at the CRAVEN ARMS IN BROCKHAMPTON?

If so, what are you cooking?

Toad in the hole......
		
Click to expand...



Excellent!


----------



## doris2008 (13 October 2010)

guido16 said:



			So whats the likelyhood of FF being there?

Plan A

Sent FF a text (in error, meant for your friend)

"Sorry, cant help tonight, working at the CRAVEN ARMS"

Then if he replies, just reply to him with "oops, not meant for you, sorry"

Or, the minute you send it, send the 2nd text.

Am I a genuis or what?

( I do not require an answer for that.......Monty, shils etc)
		
Click to expand...

This so works!!


----------



## Sparkles (13 October 2010)

Allover said:





Excellent!
		
Click to expand...

Oh my. That's finally twigged reading it a 2nd time. Lmao.

This thread cannot get any better.

Starzaan.....you alive??


----------



## Starzaan (13 October 2010)

Binky01 said:



			Oh my. That's finally twigged reading it a 2nd time. Lmao.

This thread cannot get any better.

Starzaan.....you alive??
		
Click to expand...

finally!!!!

No I am NOT. I died of humiliation and idiot disease last night, but nobody noticed.


----------



## Sparkles (13 October 2010)

See I can be empathetic!  

*mourns for Starzaan* Lilly's or roses?


----------



## Vetwrap (13 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			finally!!!!

No I am NOT. I died of humiliation and idiot disease last night, but nobody noticed. 

Click to expand...

Kind of also proves the point that she can't even die quietly!


God help the FF when he finally falls prey to the wafting morags and the welly dance!
Let's hope he doesn't want a quiet life!!!!!!


----------



## DH1 (13 October 2010)

Also "mourns for Starzaan"  Walls pork thick link sausages or Richmond thin link sausages.


----------



## Starzaan (13 October 2010)

Rosie_M said:



			Kind of also proves the point that she can't even die quietly!


God help the FF when he finally falls prey to the wafting morags and the welly dance!
Let's hope he doesn't want a quiet life!!!!!!
		
Click to expand...



How nice of you to think that he might actually think I'm even the tiniest bit sexy and that I might have even the teeeeeeeeeeeeeeniest chance of bagging him. 


And I want sparkly pom pom things, no flowers. I also want everyone to do a conga line instead of the weepy walk of sadness.


----------



## tinkandlily (13 October 2010)

God i really need to turn this off and get tidying, but i just can't stay away 
I think this thread needs to be removed, it's a hazard, it's making people choke and keeping me from cleaning


----------



## Starzaan (13 October 2010)

Incidentally, I just gave my puppy the last of the sausages, followed by a toffee yoghurt... and he's a happy happy man.


----------



## Hovis_and_SidsMum (13 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			I want sparkly pom pom things, no flowers. I also want everyone to do a conga line instead of the weepy walk of sadness.
		
Click to expand...

If that what you want everyone to do at the funeral lovely, I've got to have an invite to the wedding?!

Look on the bright side - at least your mum didn't ask if he wanted his sausage putting in anything?  

Note - by this of course (being the innocent type) I mean a bread roll but knowing you lots penchant for smut...........


----------



## Starzaan (13 October 2010)

The wedding could be complicated by the fact that a) I'm dead, and b) he thinks I'm the mayoress of ranktown. 

TRILEMMA.


----------



## Angua2 (13 October 2010)

I have just had to share this joy with a collegue... she is still sniggering while muttering "oh dear"


----------



## Rosiefan (13 October 2010)

Moggyinmanolos said:



			........They take the mick in work about _me having my sexy/hot farrier every time he visits!_ 

Click to expand...

You have him *every* time he visists? Go girl


----------



## Cavalier (13 October 2010)

Rosiefan said:



			You have him *every* time he visists? Go girl 

Click to expand...

*** Loads more snorting and sniggering ***

Staaaarzaaaan, have you come back to life yet? It would be far too boring if you stayed dead in the bucket of whelks


----------



## Vetwrap (13 October 2010)

.....and I'm the whelks aren't exactly having a ball either....


----------



## Laura Pain (13 October 2010)

Mon Dure! Poor you - im sure your sausage loving mum may have swung it for you though! Hope you won't be dead for long. Would you care for the book now - it has a very interesting chapter on repairing damage such as this. It could have been worse - you could of been wearing a baggy boob tube, baggy shorts and standing in the pond covered in green skank when thehunky most wonderful Rat Man saw you............i was tres tres devatated!!


----------



## Allover (13 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			And I want sparkly pom pom things, no flowers. I also want everyone to do a conga line instead of the weepy walk of sadness.
		
Click to expand...

Surely we would be doing "welly dance" while brandishing sausages with welks for earings!!!


----------



## tallyho! (13 October 2010)

Allover said:



			Surely we would be doing "welly dance" while brandishing sausages with welks for earings!!!
		
Click to expand...

Please could mine be clip-ons? My ears aren't pierced.


----------



## D66 (13 October 2010)

duh, whelks don't clip on - you'll need muscles or oysters for that.

I think Starzaan will have to play up to ff's idea of "House of Innuendo". All you need Starzaan is a few suggestions from HHO to up the temperature when he next comes to the yard to fit "a full set", and then he'll have no illusion 'bout where you're coming from.


----------



## Thelwell_Girl (13 October 2010)

enfys said:



			...brain fart moment...
		
Click to expand...

OMG you say this too!! I thought I was the only one!

Please, Starzaan, do not die in a bucket of Whelks. It is SO undignified, and very very smelly!


----------



## Carefreegirl (13 October 2010)

Not been on here for a few days and what happens ? I miss a brilliant post. I've blinkin enjoyed catching up tho. Starzan do you have pics of A) you looking rough so we can decide how much of a chance you have / lost with the farrier. B) The whelks and C) The sausage oh and D) The puppy. No more Gingerbread men tattoos


----------



## Starzaan (13 October 2010)

But I LOVE the gingerbread man tattoo!!!

You're not getting any photos, I might start an international incident with my ranktasticness...


I am still dead. And will only contemplate asking the whelks to vomit my soul back in through my ears if a) FF tells me I'm a fitty even when I look like I ran into the back end of a cow or b) something else vaguely goodish happens. 

The puppy has the farts like you would not believe... sausages didn't agree with him...


Sobsobsobsobsobsob.


----------



## Fransurrey (13 October 2010)

Lavender said:



			Well it could have been worse, your mum could have asked him to play hide the sausage....

Click to expand...


...or she might have offered them a couple of muffins!


----------



## SVMel (13 October 2010)

I have to ask, doesn't ff's friend 'lick the other side of the stamp' so to speak?  Or was that someone else???????????????????????????????????????????????

Must know, and now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  As if I am indeed right, the vision of your mum asking HIM if he fancied a sausage has me virtually reaching for the Tena lady.

If I got it wrong, DOH!!!!  How stupid do I feel, and am going to crawl straight back under my rock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## CalllyH (13 October 2010)

That text is a genius idea - SEND IT SEND IT SEND IT


----------



## dibbin (13 October 2010)

Tennessee - right or wrong, I love the phrase "licking the other side of the stamp"!


----------



## DH1 (13 October 2010)

Tennessee PMSL !!! Pleeease let it be true that FFs friend bat for the opposition.

Assuming that Starzaan approves of Katie Price, with her pneumatic Morags,  playing the part of FFs ex. We can now consider who can play the part of FFs friend


----------



## dibbin (13 October 2010)

Starzaan, is there space for me in your whelk bucket? I'm trying to fill out job applications and the pointlessness of it all is making me want to sit in the corner and rock back and forward while chewing on the corner of a tea towel. I think having my soul sucked out would be much better.

Sob.


----------



## Sparkles (13 October 2010)

Tennessee said:



			I have to ask, doesn't ff's friend 'lick the other side of the stamp' so to speak?  Or was that someone else???????????????????????????????????????????????

Must know, and now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  As if I am indeed right, the vision of your mum asking HIM if he fancied a sausage has me virtually reaching for the Tena lady.

If I got it wrong, DOH!!!!  How stupid do I feel, and am going to crawl straight back under my rock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
		
Click to expand...

OH MY. I'm *this* close off to investing in Tena too now. Thankyou for that. Pmsl!!!!


----------



## Echo Bravo (13 October 2010)

well I've a freezer full of sausages, what would he fancy. I've Pork&Apple, P&Leek,P&black pepper, Farmhouse, cumberland, Pork&tomato,pork&stilton or just Pork and thats just for the dog.


----------



## Starzaan (13 October 2010)

Sadly the flat mate does NOT lick the other side of the stamp, which is terribly inconsiderate of him as this has little comic effect. 


A Scottish man was very very rude to me this evening. No FF in the pub, just a Scottish man who very nearly made me cry. 

I am a damp flannel of a person, with unwieldy wafting morags, sexysexy boots (just purchased today to cheer myself up...they are rather wonderful and cost more than my car...) and no FF on my arm. 


I wonder if I can stuff myself into an olive. That seems like a good place to go and weep...


----------



## 4x4 (13 October 2010)

Watch Mumford and sons on ch 19 or whatever -they'll cheer you up!


----------



## Ladyinred (13 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			A Scottish man was very very rude to me this evening. No FF in the pub, just a Scottish man who very nearly made me cry. 



I wonder if I can stuff myself into an olive. That seems like a good place to go and weep...
		
Click to expand...

How very dare he? Does he not realise that you are a national institution and a valued member of society? Remember you can make people laugh and thats a lot harder than making them cry.


----------



## Starzaan (13 October 2010)

Tell him that please! And while you're telling him that, also tell him that his beard makes him look as though a starving rat crawled onto his face and died.


----------



## Queenbee (13 October 2010)

farriersmum said:



			OK so I am reading this with the laptop on the arm of the sofa, and the OH is on the sofa too; he said, what's wrong with hr, get her to get her kit on and ask him back!
Simples!
		
Click to expand...


LMAO, but then again I have some wine in me and read this to say...

'What's wrong with her, get her to grt her kit on and ASK HIM TO BACK HER!!!!!'

On that note I am going to boil kettle and go to bed, no more wine for me!


----------



## Natch (13 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Well I'm very pleased that SOMEONE is enjoying my AGONY!!!

I am SUPPOSED to be adoring my mechanic. Which I do. But UGNVEFDDVBIRHJWEKLFNMDASBD




Right, I'm off to bed with my bucket of whelks.
		
Click to expand...

Is that the noise you make as you choke on the whelks?


----------



## Thelwell_Girl (13 October 2010)

Naturally said:



			Is that the noise you make as you choke on the whelks?
		
Click to expand...

As Chief Welk in the Starzaan film...

Yes.


----------



## Festive_Felicitations (14 October 2010)

Oh dear I'm sitting here rocking sliently (apart from the few snorts that escape) with laughter  - not the best look for yout first day at a new job!!!

This post is a classic, some of the expressions/turn of phrase! 
'Whelks to suck your soul out'
'Morang dance' - and all ref to Morangs really
'The welly dance', 
Sausages and all associated comments PMSL!

As suggested should be printed out and put in a book, I would buy it and get copies for my friends - think instant internation market!  

Starzaan my condolences on your unfortunate meeting but please come back from the dead I want to know how this saga ends!  

Have faith - you deshabille and sausage weilding mother may just be the thing to make him realise that he is desperatly in love with you or at least up for some hanky panky, I have had 2 hot guys make moves when I was at less than my best!
a) been chasing (subtly of course..) a guy for months he asked me out at my friends 21st  when I stank of Dettol due to having disinfect my self and the car thanks to EI and thanks to the theme was wearing my dad old flannelet shirt and stained jeans.

b) After a day spent mustering sheep and getting trampled in sheep poo in the yards by an obstreparous ewe the HOT guy I was working with stopped the ute on the way back to the homestead for some 'face licking' -  though he was Kiwi ... 

Oh and can I please have a role (however minor) in the film!!


----------



## Starzaan (14 October 2010)

Sadly, until I see FF again and he decides to tell me I'm beautiful even when I'm the rankazon... (which, let's face it... never gonna happen!).... I am going to continue to be whelked up to the max, sans soul.


My horse just pinged my BEAUTIFUL turquoise morag restrainer and broke a strap! He's now going to be made into skewbald burgers.


----------



## Thelwell_Girl (14 October 2010)

Felicity_09 said:



			Oh and can I please have a role (however minor) in the film!!
		
Click to expand...

Be a whelk, with me!

Its awfully lonely in this whelk-bucket 



Starzaan said:



			Sadly, until I see FF again and he decides to tell me I'm beautiful even when I'm the rankazon... (which, let's face it... never gonna happen!).... I am going to continue to be whelked up to the max, sans soul.


My horse just pinged my BEAUTIFUL turquoise morag restrainer and broke a strap! He's now going to be made into skewbald burgers.
		
Click to expand...

Definitely NO MORE doughnuts for burger-pony, as punishment for injuring the Beautiful Turquoise Morag Restrainer.


----------



## guido16 (14 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Sadly, until I see FF again and he decides to tell me I'm beautiful even when I'm the rankazon... (which, let's face it... never gonna happen!).... I am going to continue to be whelked up to the max, sans soul.


My horse just pinged my BEAUTIFUL turquoise morag restrainer and broke a strap! He's now going to be made into skewbald burgers.
		
Click to expand...

Get your horse to do that when ff is about. 
Perfect way to flash your morags at him!


----------



## Starzaan (14 October 2010)

Do I need an excuse? I think my dignity has run so far away now that nobody will bat an eyelid if I just leap up onto the mounting block and whack out my morags. 



Now please excuse me while I return to being dead.


----------



## Mogg (14 October 2010)

well i hope you're happy Starzaan! my keyboard decided to join you in being dead which is wholly due to you! i was reading your post last night whilst enjoying a nice cup of tea after a long day putting the finishing touches to my mum's new chicken stadium (it's far too grand to be called a run). 

Got to the part about your mums sausage invitation and choked on a mouthful of tea, managing to splurt it out of my nose and mouth simultaneously (and you complain about being caught in your slippers! try looking attractive with snotty tea all over your face!!)

some of this delightful mixture landed on my keyboard and despite popping the keys off and mopping underneath, my  b n m , .  / keys died!  i hoped that a few hours rest would help them to recover but sadly not, so i have had to root in the back of my wardrobe tonight to find another keyboard.

i think the least you can do is incorporate my bnm,./ keys on the cover of your book should you decide to publish your musings, or let them have a minor role in Starzaan, The Movie.

As for the broken morag restrainer all i can say is...keyboard karma!


----------



## DH1 (14 October 2010)

Am a little concerned..... Where is the love entangled Starzaan ??


----------



## fine_and_dandy (14 October 2010)

Starzaan,

You have a lot to answer for!!

Not only do I need new underwear every time I read this post, but I had the "equality and diversity" witch on my back at work today because I referred to my friends "pair" as waftin Morags...whilst the new bloody secretary who is called Morag walked behind me and thought I meant she smelt!!!!!

I was also feeling pretty happy that there are no FF where I am, but oh no, after reading the Starzaan post, I happened to be at the yard when the FFFFFFFFF F EVER was there. I stood behind him...a lot. He is now my new F for Bailey    I may have competition though...bailey licked him.

Least you only have your mum for morga wafting competition...my horse wants in on the act!!!!


----------



## JenHunt (14 October 2010)

guido16 said:



			Toad in the hole......
		
Click to expand...

I've just choked on my drink, and whilst spluttering, have managed to get ovaltine to come out of my nose and my eyes (or at least that's what it feels like!) and OH has banned me from reading these posts whilst drinking anything!  



Naturally said:



			Is that the noise you make as you choke on the whelks?
		
Click to expand...

no... it's the noise you make while choking on Ovaltine


----------



## Starzaan (14 October 2010)

Oh my goodness, how am I ever going to snare the farrier with you snorting, weeing, morag exploding lot behind me!! At least hide behind a tree please!! 


I give up, he's never going to turn up out of the blue to find me looking all sparkly and sextastic, and sweep me off my wellies. 

BAH! 


I had a thought type thing earlier - I'm going to talk VERY NICELY to the people at H&H, and try and get the Starzaan saga into the magazine... help pleeeasssee!

Also... I am considering undeading myself and getting rid of the whelks.. but every time I think it's ok to take my head out of the bucket, one of them whispers "would you like a sausage?" into my lughole, and I plunge my face back in! 

POOOOO


----------



## Ladyinred (15 October 2010)

Never trust a whelk. Shifty wee buggers that they are. I imagine they are beginning to smell by now so climb out, dig a hole and bury this lot as fertiliser for Ma's roses, and get a fresh lot next time the world goes bad.

Oh, and consider some form of medication for the aged parent. Or sausage-aversion therapy.


----------



## thinlizzy (15 October 2010)

oh this post is funny sorry did you ever find out if he was single ?


----------



## Cavalier (15 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			I had a thought type thing earlier - I'm going to talk VERY NICELY to the people at H&H, and try and get the Starzaan saga into the magazine... help pleeeasssee!
		
Click to expand...

Threaten to take it to the opposition if they won't  I still think a book is a better idea though.

Please get rid of the whelks, it is very difficult typing when you have to hold your nose too, they just smell too much now (insert sicky smiley thingy)


----------



## Doormouse (15 October 2010)

MagicMelon said:



			LOVELY! I think the postman and milkman are more shocked to see me in PROPER clothes nowadays!
		
Click to expand...

So true, I went into my local co-op the other day all clean and office tidy and the girl serving me said 'I didn't recognise you, you look really nice!'

Perhaps I really should try harder with the yard clothes!


----------



## catdragon (15 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Now please excuse me while I return to being dead.
		
Click to expand...

Does this mean you is actually a Zombie Starzaan ??

Must say you do make me laugh.... sorry


----------



## Starzaan (15 October 2010)

No more whelks!!! 



I am whelk free after a FABULOUS mornings cubbing on my lovely old age pensioner! (that actually sounds a bit revolting...)



I am going to strap on a pair and move on from the sausage incident, and I shall be all sparkly and fab next time I see FF, and my mother will be locked away somewhere. 


Incidentally, the ex came out with the MOST hilarious load of tripe this morning, which  I though you perveypants would enjoy - "hey now, it's like tomatoes on the vine down there, it's just that the vine's not very big...and they're cherry tomatoes".


I assure you, we're actually talking beef tomatoes. But still, he's a funny one!


----------



## meggymoo (15 October 2010)

I wonder if its too late to get Starzaan into the New years honours list.  She must be saving the NHS a small fortune in antidepressants and any recovery in the economy will be due entirely to the soaring share price of Tena lady, replacement mugs of lost tea/coffee/ovaltine/wine (delete as necessary) and repairs to keyboards and laptops! Add to that the boost to the publishing and film industries.....


----------



## Natch (15 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			No more whelks!!!
		
Click to expand...

I'm very glad to hear that. I was going to report you to WALLIES - The Whelks Alive Living Lonely in Eejits Stomachs' society.


----------



## Penny Less (15 October 2010)

Starzaan, you need to ditch the whelks and get a bucket of oysters! Well known aphrodisiac (sp), immerse head in these for a while and FF will find you irresistible.


----------



## Honey08 (15 October 2010)

Nooooo!  Don't give her any oysters - her "drive" is fine, its him (as in FF) that needs a bucket of oysters!


----------



## Cavalier (15 October 2010)

Starazaan, step away from the pensioners. Aren't FF, Mechanic and Tomato Ex enough?


----------



## JenHunt (15 October 2010)

glad to hear you've abandoned the whelks... and the waxed lemons for that matter....

meant to ask... did the morag restrainer undergo surgery or was the accident fatal?

tbh though....if FF hasn't got the message yet then I'd seriously consider if he needs a trip to specsavers and maybe also to a mental health specialist for therapy to work out why he's missed your attempts to waft your morags in his direction.


----------



## Enfys (15 October 2010)

Eyes are leaking profusely, ribs are aching, can't breathe,  please, STOP making me laugh quite so hard. This should be a prescribed giggle thread.


----------



## Sparkles (15 October 2010)

Lmao.

I found one more worse....the 'apres clipping' look. I hid in the tack room! LOL


----------



## Starzaan (16 October 2010)

The morag restrainer's injuries weren't terminal... it's just a bit mangled and held together with orange (!) thread!!! 

It got an outing last night.... but we shan't dwell on the fact that I am a slaggypants with my morags all akimbo! 

My darling mother had a chat with the mechanic last night... when I asked what she'd been doing to get her beautiful Chanel shirt all muddy, she replied "dogging". 

A bit of light dogging in the afternoon. 



Nice.


Thank GOD he doesn't scare as easily as FF.


----------



## Sparkles (16 October 2010)

LMAO.

I have tea over my keyboard.

Sausages and now dogging....shall HHO contribute together and hire her a stripper or something to get it all outher system?

OR hire the FF for it?

ETA - Rereading that, I'm sure you dont want your mother to have the benefit of the FF....so scrap that!!! Stripper it is.


----------



## Starzaan (16 October 2010)

Nono, she has a 60 year old farmer trying to do the dirty with her!!!! 

She doesn't need FF....


----------



## HollyWoozle (16 October 2010)

Oh Starzaan, God bless you.

This reminds me of the time when my brother's friend, who I was INSANELY besotted with, turned up at our house. I sat there trying to be all desirable and lovely and my mother shot me in the eye with an elastic band. Bint.

Look on the bright side, now when FF falls madly in love with you, you'll know he wants even when you look awful. My boyfriend started seeing me when I was fatter, now I feel like I have a good stone's worth of safety barrier, haha. You will have several levels of mingingness as a safety barrier.


----------



## Starzaan (16 October 2010)

HollyWoozle said:



			Oh Starzaan, God bless you.

This reminds me of the time when my brother's friend, who I was INSANELY besotted with, turned up at our house. I sat there trying to be all desirable and lovely and my mother shot me in the eye with an elastic band. Bint.

Look on the bright side, now when FF falls madly in love with you, you'll know he wants even when you look awful. My boyfriend started seeing me when I was fatter, now I feel like I have a good stone's worth of safety barrier, haha. You will have several levels of mingingness as a safety barrier. 

Click to expand...

YOU are a genius and I love you.




a lot.


----------



## Sparkles (16 October 2010)

HollyWoozle said:



			I sat there trying to be all desirable and lovely and my mother shot me in the eye with an elastic band. Bint.
		
Click to expand...



PLEASE stop dousing my laptop in hot beverages!!!


----------



## HollyWoozle (16 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			YOU are a genius and I love you.




a lot.
		
Click to expand...



It's true though, everytime I stuff one too many hobnobs/cupcakes/anything calorific I can get my hands on, I think "oh well, he loved me as a fatty anyway and I'm still an improvement on that." 

As for the mother shooting me with an elastic band, she thought it was absolutely hilarious. Then again, this is the same mother who enters rooms pretending to be Ziva from NCIS, her hands formed into a gun shape, sweeps the room and shouts "clear!". She also does a great Cpt Picard imitation... "make it so."

Starzaan, I feel that our mothers should be friends... or put away somewhere together... in a box.


----------



## Starzaan (16 October 2010)

I think my mother needs to be locked in a padded cell, would yours be ok with that??


I'm watching the MOST depressing movie in the history of the world... everyone has died already, and it's only half an hour in! My morags can't take the stress!


----------



## HollyWoozle (16 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			I think my mother needs to be locked in a padded cell, would yours be ok with that??


I'm watching the MOST depressing movie in the history of the world... everyone has died already, and it's only half an hour in! My morags can't take the stress!
		
Click to expand...

I think the padded cell could be arranged.

As for depressing movies, my brother once tried to cheer me up with Black Hawk Down because "Orlando Bloom is in it!". Orlando falls out of a helicopter about ten minutes in and from then on, it's enough to make you reach for the Prozac. 

Nigella's Kitchen starts in a minute... if that doesn't sway you further towards lesbianism then I don't know what will.


----------



## Sparkles (16 October 2010)

HollyWoozle said:



			I think the padded cell could be arranged.

As for depressing movies, my brother once tried to cheer me up with Black Hawk Down because "Orlando Bloom is in it!". Orlando falls out of a helicopter about ten minutes in and from then on, it's enough to make you reach for the Prozac. 

Nigella's Kitchen starts in a minute... if that doesn't sway you further towards lesbianism then I don't know what will.
		
Click to expand...


But the marshmallows melting on it look sooooo nice....

I remember having to be made to try and watch that too....I couldn't have even told you I knew Orlando was in it!!!


----------



## Starzaan (16 October 2010)

ANYONE would be all mad lesbiany for Nigella... even me...


----------



## HollyWoozle (16 October 2010)

To be honest, I don't know which excites me more... Nigella or the food...

ETA, she said "extra virgin olive oil" with a particularly naughty grin.


----------



## Enfys (17 October 2010)

Shitty Saturday thus far, and Thankyou (again) for this, I am sat here, biting my hand (again) trying not to snort too loudly, tears pouring down my face (again) 

OH (who I am not speaking to because he is an arse) sees tears, thinks I am crying because of him now (pah! Pigs. Flying. ) He is quite bemused how someone being shot in the eye with a rubber band by a Picard imitating mother in a box can be funny, I haven't even attempted the whelks, morags or any other explanations.


----------



## MrsMozart (17 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Sadly, I would choose FF over anyone. 

Bloody FF. Bloody mother.

Bloody sausages. 


(and no MrsM, the sausage dance does not follow the welly dance, although if another section of the sausage dance followed the welly dance, I would not be complaining!!!!)
		
Click to expand...



Thank you. It's late (or early, depends on how one looks at it) and I needed that.... . Now have far too many images in my head, not all good(!), to get to sleep again. Pah.

Will off and Google 'Welly Dance' and see what comes up (there's no way on this earth that I'm Googling 'Sausage Dance'! ).


----------



## MrsMozart (17 October 2010)

Here y'go:

http://www.easy-wellies.co.uk/pineapple-dance-studio-funky-pink-heart-welly-boots-p-728.html

Did you know that, according to Google, Welly Dancing is very close to Belly Dancing....???


----------



## Thelwell_Girl (17 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			I think my mother needs to be locked in a padded cell, would yours be ok with that??


I'm watching the MOST depressing movie in the history of the world... everyone has died already, and it's only half an hour in! My morags can't take the stress!
		
Click to expand...

Ahh, but when morags are under stress I believe they start heaving, like a dramatic tavern wench's busom...

I am of the understanding that menfolk quite like this!


----------



## Starzaan (17 October 2010)

I hope you're all happy now, you've turned me into a blithering idiot. Take a moment, if you will, to imagine what you have created.... for FF seduction purposes, I am now sporting...

wellies two sizes too big
sexysexy knicknacks
tweed coat
turquoise morag restrainer (complete with emergency orange thread)
morag tassles with "I heart FF" emblazoned on them
heaving, quivering morags 
windswept and interesting hair
a stray whelk on the thigh
sausage clutched in my hot little hand


I am a vision.


----------



## Allover (17 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			ANYONE would be all mad lesbiany for Nigella... even me...
		
Click to expand...

FFS Starzaan we cant cope with the men in your life, please dont add women to the mix aswell!!!


----------



## Starzaan (17 October 2010)

Allover said:



			FFS Starzaan we cant cope with the men in your life, please dont add women to the mix aswell!!!

Click to expand...


But she made jelly and then wobbled it all seductive like... and her morags are ALWAYS quivering.

I HATE PRAWNS, but when Nigella tells me they're little pink jewels bursting with juicy yumminess, I want a bucket of prawns.


----------



## Allover (17 October 2010)

Slut


----------



## Starzaan (17 October 2010)

Pretty much.


----------



## Miss-rose (17 October 2010)

OMG I'm full of cold and while Reading this what started as laughing fit turned into a coughing/choking fit, cough sweet shot down my neck and then dog jumped all over me while I laid on the floor dying thinking I wanted to play with her (8 stone rotty) not a good Sunday. I'm thinking there should be sum sort of disclaimer/warning that goes with your threads.


----------



## Starzaan (17 October 2010)

I hope you snotted everywhere too...


Do you look like Nigella? If so, that's why the dog jumped you....


----------



## Miss-rose (17 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			I hope you snotted everywhere too...


Do you look like Nigella? If so, that's why the dog jumped you....
		
Click to expand...

.    

Oh yes at least a bucket full of snot.. And spit n drool as I was choking as well. OH just told me to stop winding the dog up.
And alas no I look more like slimer out of ghost busters at the mo lol


----------



## Chico Mio (17 October 2010)

This is hilarious! I am crying and OH is dribbling tea down himself.....

Hold the thought that it does happen - just when you think there is no hope, the Hotty suddenly and totally, unexpectedly declares their interest in you.....


----------



## Starzaan (17 October 2010)

Are you implying that there is no hope?! Who WOULDN'T want to get with this?!

I am a quivering, heaving morag wielding sexy sex thing. 


THAT is what I am.


----------



## Chico Mio (17 October 2010)

No, no!  You are obviously a woman of such staggering sexiness that FF must be doing serious mental exercises to be able to restrain himself from hurling you to the ground and divesting you, layer by layer of your minging garments until you lie revealed in all your morag restrained glory........

....while your mother asks him if he wants a sausage....


----------



## Starzaan (17 October 2010)

Good! 

'cause ONE DAY he is going to say yes to a sausage....


----------



## Miss-rose (17 October 2010)

Or one day he'll offer you a sausage...


----------



## Starzaan (17 October 2010)

Miss-rose said:



			Or one day he'll offer you a sausage... 

Click to expand...


WAHEY! And I bet it will be a pink jewel bursting with juicy yumminess, just like Nigella's prawns!!!!


I LOVE prawns now.....




and sausages....


----------



## Miss-rose (17 October 2010)

Ok just done the snot spit cough fit again( minus the dog this time) woman you are a star


----------



## Starzaan (17 October 2010)

Tell him that please missy! Would YOU like a sausage!?


----------



## Allover (17 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Tell him that please missy! Would YOU like a sausage!?
		
Click to expand...

Watch her Miss Rose, looks like she is about to swap sides, DO NOT MENTION PRAWNS!!!!!!


----------



## Miss-rose (17 October 2010)

Who's sausage are you offering or is it ur mum who's asking.
Prawns sound good....I'm having cupasoup anyone want some


----------



## reindeerlover (17 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			WAHEY! And I bet it will be a pink jewel bursting with juicy yumminess




and sausages....
		
Click to expand...

That just made me vomit a little bit in my mouth  lets keep the mentioning of "those things" a bit quieter in future?


----------



## SVMel (17 October 2010)

I have been up since 2 am with what must be colic as I am rolling and groaning like a poor colicky neddy, and made the mistake of catching up on this thread.

IT HURTS WHEN I LAUGH, DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!

*Reaches for the Buscopan and waits for the next instalment*


----------



## Raych (17 October 2010)

Sausage :')


----------



## SVMel (17 October 2010)

Raych said:



			Sausage :')
		
Click to expand...

No IT HURTS I tell you pmsl 

Now rof in AGONY!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Montyforever (17 October 2010)




----------



## Starzaan (17 October 2010)

I just had a morag related incident...

being the delightful and kind person that I am, I volunteered to go over and jump a friend's horse for her because he's a pig who likes to refuse and run out and bronc and generally be a pillock at the beginning of the season... 

So after forty minutes of being bucked with and managing to get him over about three fences, I decided I was too bloody hot and stripped down to just breeches, boots, THE turquoise morag restrainer, and a strappy top thing.... 

I got the bugger over a hefty 1m30 upright....after which he broncked like there was no tomorrow, at which point my emergency orange thread repair job to the strap of my morag restrainer SNAPPED... 

now picture me being broncked with on 17.3hh of warmblood, while my (not so tiny) morags flap around like two enormous flapping things, hitting me in the eyes, and basically wafting about FAR TOO MUCH for my liking.

Said friend is at this point rolling around on the floor shrieking with laughter and screaming "YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME BREAK THE GOLDEN SEAL YOU SLAG!!" (meaning, "I'm going to dribble in my knicknacks").... sexy yard handy man walks in to see my morags all akimbo, hearing friend screaming that she's weeing all over the shop and it's my fault, and hears me shrieking "ATLAS YOU EFFING C I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU INTO CHESTNUT WARMBLOOD BURGERS IF YOU DON'T STOP MAKING MY MORAGS BANG AROUND!!!!"

Exit handyman.









Handyman returns....with friends.







I think I might have to go to the doctor with pulled morags.


----------



## Allover (17 October 2010)

Poor horse was probably terrified of the unleashed Morags, i mean really how can you expect him to behave

So after forty minutes of being bucked with and managing to get him over about three fences, I decided I was too bloody hot and stripped down to just breeches, boots, THE turquoise morag restrainer, and a strappy top thing.... 

R u just trying to get the ladies going again!!!


----------



## Starzaan (17 October 2010)

I'm still saving myself for Nigella and her prawns....


----------



## MrsMozart (17 October 2010)

Thank you.

Snorted dinner over laptop. Chair. Blanket. Fleece. Dog. Um, make that two dogs. Cat. And small child.


----------



## DH1 (17 October 2010)

Why oh why wasn't said friend using her phone to record/video the Starzaan Morags making such an energetic bid for freedom, instead of just rolling around on the floor!

We could all have shared the experience (like the good supportive HHo'ers we are) on You tube

Or do you still get £250 from You've been framed? 
This would be a win win situation,  £250 to pay for a more roadworthy Morag bolder holder and FF would get to see said Morags  (try before you buy).


----------



## Starzaan (17 October 2010)

Short of whacking them out and shimmying in front of FF, I think we can safely say he's seen my morags.... I've spent enough time bending over and saying "WHOOPS, my top appears to have fallen down...".

I have no shame.


----------



## jodie3 (17 October 2010)

I don't suppose there was a FF about to witness the spectacle of the unfettered Morags flying free?

When you take them to the doctor perhaps you could suggest some HRT for you Mum?? (Or bromide for her tea!)

And I have a complaint Starzaan - I had a very strange dream last night about a farrier who was a FF but about 25 years ago!!  Haven't seen him for a long time and nothing romantic but in the dream he ended up washing my hair!  I blame late night reading of your  saga and possibly too much laughing and snorting too.
Perhaps I ought to come and have a chat with your Mum and we could compare prescriptions in our darkened room.......


----------



## Starzaan (17 October 2010)

jodie3, you sound like a nutcase. I am perfectly sane and normal, sort yourself out.....


----------



## Riverboy (17 October 2010)

Oh my beans... I've rarely laughed so much in my life...

Bless HHO you rock... we need videos! x


----------



## Starzaan (17 October 2010)

I hope you're not laughing at my strained morags!!!


----------



## Angua2 (17 October 2010)

OMG I can't breath...... and now my one eyed, 3 legged staffie is looking at me strangely.

rotfl

*gasps*

Starzaan.... I do love you in a non mad lesbiany way


----------



## Starzaan (17 October 2010)

Are you saying that you wouldn't go all mad lesbiany for my crazy morags?! 

You'll have to be gentle... they're a bit tender now!


----------



## Riverboy (17 October 2010)

No strained morags is no laughing matter... but the handyman going to get his friends to witness this with said friend requiring tena lady on the floor... now that brought a tear to my eye! you really should publish this....


----------



## Starzaan (17 October 2010)

I think my friend needed a bucket...


----------



## DH1 (17 October 2010)

Will there be any tickets for sale next time you ride this horse??  It sounds like a great spectator sport. (in a non lesbian ish way).

We will all sit on buckets, just in case.


----------



## Starzaan (17 October 2010)

If you're very, VERY nice to me, and promise to say yes to a sausage... then you can come and watch my morags flapping in the breeze.... 

I accept payment in cake, pomegranate and gold horse shoes.


----------



## DH1 (17 October 2010)

Marvellous. I will be VERY nice indeed.

I (like yourself) very rarely turn down a sausage when offered.

Wafting windswept Morags must be a sight to behold (especially when some of us only possess a pair of non wafting fried eggs).


----------



## JenHunt (17 October 2010)

HollyWoozle said:



			To be honest, I don't know which excites me more... Nigella or the food...
		
Click to expand...

OH has just said... "What does she [Nigella] have to do with food? I thought it was just legalised porn"



Chico Mio said:



			This is hilarious! I am crying and OH is dribbling tea down himself.....
		
Click to expand...

least it's only tea!! 



Starzaan said:



			I think I might have to go to the doctor with pulled morags.
		
Click to expand...

please stop it.... my lapdog doesn't like being covered in tea! It's still sticky from the ovaltine the other night!!! I'd love to see his face when you try to explain that one to the GP!! 



Starzaan said:



			If you're very, VERY nice to me, and promise to say yes to a sausage... then you can come and watch my morags flapping in the breeze....
		
Click to expand...

 its not us you should be asking, but FF.... silly girl - now we know where you've been going wrong!!


----------



## UnRetiring (18 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Short of whacking them out and shimmying in front of FF, I think we can safely say he's seen my morags.... I've spent enough time bending over and saying "WHOOPS, my top appears to have fallen down...".

I have no shame.
		
Click to expand...

No shame indeed, but Morags youse has & everybody knows...

If you've got 'em - flaunt 'em !!!

Jen


----------



## Festive_Felicitations (18 October 2010)

Oh Stazaan you are awsome! Reading this post every morning after you lot have let loose over night makes the fact that I'm at work bearable! 

How ever I think the rest of the office is getting slightly worried about my health as I sit a snort and rock in my chair and giggle when asked a question...

You most recent incident has reminded me of a run in my friend had with a western saddle horn..

X (shall remain namless) and I were working on a QH stud in Agrentina and had just taken a group of 2yr olds out, and as V hopped off to close the gate, the front of her shirt hooked on the horn, ripping ALL the buttons off leaving her generous morags some what exposed.  
On the way back to the yard we ran into the 2 HOT brazilians who worked there who couldnt understand why: 
a) she kept hiding behind me/ turing her mare away, 
b) I was PMSL in the saddle (almost fell off!)
c) we didn't want to help bring the steers in (excuse for a good gallop)

On returning to the yard she still had a nice long walk past everyone to get back to our cabin!


----------



## PippiPony (18 October 2010)

Brilliant Starzaan!
Hope Morags are somewhat less painful in the morning!


----------



## dibbin (18 October 2010)

Starzaan ... the image of you being bronced with and yelling about your escaped morags has nearly killed me ... I'm so glad OH has gone to work and I don't have to try and explain why I'm crying with laughter ...

ETA - strained morags are NO laughing matter. Get FF to rub some deep heat on them for you


----------



## tallyho! (18 October 2010)

New morag restrainers on the cards then.... you could take FF emergency shoppinggg????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then offer a hotdog in return for his kindness.


----------



## Ebenezer_Scrooge (18 October 2010)

Morags on the loose....have been crying with laughter about your latest episode I can imagine the handymans face.....

Hope the morags recover xxx


----------



## Penny Less (18 October 2010)

Wots the handyman like, or friends, any possibilities there ?


----------



## soulfull (18 October 2010)

clipcloppop said:



			"come in and have a sausage"???

really???

hahahahahha


ahahahahahahahaha


ahahahahahahahahahahahah

*breathe*

ahahahahahaha

*snort*

ahahahahaha

*chokes*
		
Click to expand...

What she said.  You've worried me now.  I too am sat at home looking very similar  so if someone should come to the door I will ignore them


----------



## SVMel (18 October 2010)

I knew someone who once ruptured a morag.

It had to go in a SLING pmsl!!!!!!!

Maybe you should go to the doc, if you got a sling for each morag you wouldn't have to buy a new morag restrainer thingy AND you could personalise the nhs ones you just got.............


----------



## DH1 (18 October 2010)

Hells Bells Alma 
Should we be encouraging Staarz to add any more possible conquests to her collection of the FF, the Mechanic, the ex and Nigella Lawson, she will be worn out


----------



## Trakehner (18 October 2010)

Really, we like running across cute girls is dishabelle...hair all over, scruffy clothes, muck everywhere...it makes you human and awkward...and you laugh and smile a lot in embarrassment.  

Remember, nothing's prettier on a girl than a smile.


----------



## Leg_end (18 October 2010)

Tennessee said:



			I knew someone who once ruptured a morag.

It had to go in a SLING pmsl!!!!!!!

Maybe you should go to the doc, if you got a sling for each morag you wouldn't have to buy a new morag restrainer thingy AND you could personalise the nhs ones you just got.............  
	
	
		
		
	


	




Click to expand...

THIS just made me spit out and choke on my tea.. not a good look in the middle of the office.. ha ha ha ha


----------



## Natch (18 October 2010)

Maybe you'll have to get a full chest plaster cast?

At least that would be something for FF to sign. 

"Just here please"

"And here"

"and there"

"...and just here"

"and this bit"

"and here"

"...and here"

"...whoops, missed a bit, just here..."


----------



## Bright_Spark (18 October 2010)

Oh *wheeze* My *wheeze* God *wheeze*

This has got to be the funniest thread ever, though reading the whole thing in one sitting is NOT good for the health. I thought I was going to die laughing, seriously, I couldn't breathe!


----------



## Starzaan (18 October 2010)

My morags ache like billio. 

Ow. 


A LOT.






And the handyman, though sexy, has a very lovely (very skinny and gorgeous) dancer girlfriend, with morags that stay where they're put... so he's not an option. And besides, I've Skyplussed at least four episode of Nigella Bites... so please excuse me while I take my tender morags to the sofa for a but of gentle wafting over Nigella and her juicy jewels...


----------



## EAST KENT (18 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			My morags ache like billio. 

Ow. 


A LOT.






And the handyman, though sexy, has a very lovely (very skinny and gorgeous) dancer girlfriend, with morags that stay where they're put... so he's not an option. And besides, I've Skyplussed at least four episode of Nigella Bites... so please excuse me while I take my tender morags to the sofa for a but of gentle wafting over Nigella and her juicy jewels...
		
Click to expand...

 I will NEVER look at my Highland pony ("Morag") in quite the same way again!


----------



## Starzaan (18 October 2010)

WOW!!! Finally...a horse called Morag!!


----------



## farriersmum (18 October 2010)

And they BANNED the Meercat saga!!!


----------



## reindeerlover (18 October 2010)

farriersmum said:



			And they BANNED the Meercat saga!!!
		
Click to expand...

Who did what now?


----------



## Sparkles (18 October 2010)

Is anyone going to check if this in the HHO top 5 clippet this week???


----------



## JenHunt (18 October 2010)

I spent about ten minutes crying with hysterics at work today whilst trying to explain this to my colleagues and failing miserably.. but they did have a good laugh at me which did cheer everybody up!

How are the morags feeling today Starzaan? You defnitely need a OSBH.... that would solve all the problems of strained morags. Not so attractive admitedly, but very comfy!


----------



## Starzaan (19 October 2010)

My morags are still feeling very sorry for themselves.... and I've got to give a mounted XC lesson today... that's going to be interesting! I think I might bandage the buggers down.... that should work....

I would just like to point out that FF has not sent me even the smallest suggestion of a text since the sausage incident last Tuesday.

This is quite possibly the longest period sans contact since May.... and is most definitely due to my rankness. 


BUGGER AND BALLS AND ACHING MORAGS.


----------



## Queenbee (19 October 2010)

It's official Starzaan, you've now become a public phenomenon!  Twizzle and I were texting last night and language reverted to 'morags, whelks, and FF's etc...'  We are both enjoying you muchly   OH just spends time looking over my shoulder at your posts on here saying WTF???!!!  I spend so much time on HHO laughing and posting nowadays that he thinks I have a luuuuuurver.  I did try to explain the wellies, whelks and the morags (especially the morags) to him but he just doesn't understand!  (bless, he has a very small brain, thank GOD for his sausage  )


----------



## penhwnllys_stardust (19 October 2010)

i <3 this thread


----------



## Penny Less (19 October 2010)

My friends have always told me that they cant tell which way Im facing cos Im flatchested, but the positive side is I will never have to worry about strained morags!
How about wrapping some of that silver duct tape round Starzaan, that should keep them
from flapping about and strainfree


----------



## Starzaan (19 October 2010)

I once saw a late night tv ad which said "if you can't duck it, f**ck it!!"


That is South African TV advertising at it's best...


AND I GOT A TEXT FROM FF. I now feel like a bit of a slutty stalker... and not sure if he was in fact texting me to see if I've been sectioned under the mental health and looking rank act.... or just 'cause...



I just diced with death - my morags didn't enjoy it, it was a bit rough  

and the mechanic puts carrots in Shepherd's Pie. 



YUCKYUCKYUCK.


----------



## HollyWoozle (19 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			AND I GOT A TEXT FROM FF. I now feel like a bit of a slutty stalker... and not sure if he was in fact texting me to see if I've been sectioned under the mental health and looking rank act.... or just 'cause...
		
Click to expand...

And?! What did it say?! I feel as though I've invested much hope and energy into your relationship success, the wellbeing of your delightful morags, your whelk encounters... you can't taunt me with these "oh I got a text from the sexy man la de da" comments! I need details woman, DETAILS.

For what it's worth, it just occurred to me that I am in possession of an FF...Fit Frenchman. Woohoo! Whelks wouldn't stand a chance where he's from...mmm, garlic.


----------



## Starzaan (19 October 2010)

He said (and I believe this is varbatim)


"what's the word on the street"





You can understand why I nearly died with excitement.




Not even any punctuation.


----------



## Lady La La (19 October 2010)

What did you reply?
Was it something REALLY ace and non carey? To give off the impression that you're not all that bothered about whether or not he texts you...


----------



## Starzaan (19 October 2010)

I replied... and I believe this is verbatim...

"just been to the dodgiest yard in the world to try a horse. You?"


You should know by now that I'm incapable of saying anything remotely normal to FF. If I can have a whole conversation without snorting or doing the "that's quite funny, but not worth a whole laugh" laugh, I'm a happy bunny.


----------



## Lady La La (19 October 2010)

Well. That wasn't too bad? You finished the text with a question, thus making it difficult for him not to reply, which is always clever...

How often does FF text you, I'd be inclinded to say these rumors that he isn't all that into you are not true, after all. My farrier texts me never. Ever. Nill Points.


----------



## Starzaan (19 October 2010)

Well...

he USED to text me all the buggering time - the record was 34 texts in one day. (yes, my name is lame, I counted)


but now he has seen me for who I really am - a ranktastic whelk murderer...



and he doesn't talk to me very much any more!


----------



## Lady La La (19 October 2010)

Maybe he's dying down with the texts because... and I tread carefully here...

a) nothing thus far has happened between you, perhaps he thinks you're not interested and is laying off a little?

b) You have a mechanic boyfriend?

c) You're a whelk molesterer?


----------



## Lady La La (19 October 2010)

and and d) Your mother nearly assaulted him with a sausage?


----------



## DH1 (19 October 2010)

Following the abject failure of the Sausages to lure FF into Starzaans kitchen, I have done a little romantic catering research and found these!!







Starzaans mother (in the style of Petula Gordeno/Mrs Overall) can lure him in by shouting "Would you like a Morag Muffin or Tit Tart.


----------



## dibbin (19 October 2010)

DH1 ... ohmygod, my OH, who is a filthy pervert (or as they are otherwise called, a man) would LOVE those ...


----------



## Riverboy (19 October 2010)

I should bring some of those into my entirely male office and then perhaps they will understand why i frequently have burst out laughing the last two days...

And Starzan - the FF definately likes you - I am lucky if my BF texts me once every few days, not in double figures in a day!!! You are in there like swimwear my dear....

x


----------



## HollyWoozle (19 October 2010)

I would also be inclined to think the FF was a bit on the keen side. Maybe he wants a bit of that morag lovin' after all.


----------



## DH1 (19 October 2010)

Dibbin, I am so glad you like the Morag Muffins or Tit Tarts (can't decide). 

I assume you are now knee deep in pink icing in your kitchen


----------



## Starzaan (19 October 2010)

Who wouldn't want my morags?!?!? They're spectacular (ly sore)! 

Well I have given up on FF ever behaving like a normal human being and ripping my morag bandages off... it's taken him too bloody long, and the mechanic has a nicer car. Hohoho


I do NOT molest the whelks, it's only molesty if they say no, and I make them say yes first. I get the lemon candles out, offer them some sausages and make it all romantic like....


Now I hope you are all going to see Krafty Kuts in Cheltenham on Friday - my morags will be there with bells on. My morags are also going to Stow Fair on Thursday, so if you never hear of me again it's because I got stabbed in the morag....


----------



## Queenbee (19 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			He said (and I believe this is varbatim)


"what's the word on the street"





You can understand why I nearly died with excitement.




Not even any punctuation.
		
Click to expand...

what did you reply:

My morags need strapping down, would you do the honours?

Word is I need a good sausaging, any ideas?

Word is out I am have 2 dirty secrets, 1: I heart you, 2: I am a whelk soul sucker

or none of the above?


----------



## Whelk (19 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			I do NOT molest the whelks, it's only molesty if they say no, and I make them say yes first. QUOTE]

Liar LIAR  Big Fat soul sucking liar!!!  But I will lie and say to FF you are not a Whelk molester/ murderer if you put me back in the sea...

please
		
Click to expand...


----------



## Starzaan (19 October 2010)

You can go in the water with my axolotl..... 

that's sort of like the sea....


----------



## dibbin (19 October 2010)

DH1 said:



			Dibbin, I am so glad you like the Morag Muffins or Tit Tarts (can't decide). 

I assume you are now knee deep in pink icing in your kitchen 

Click to expand...

I think they're marvellous, I may make some and give them to people as gifts. Although I showed the picture to my mum (who I think may know Starzaan's mum, as they are similarly odd) and she said, "well, you'd need to make two big Victoria sponges if you were doing yours, wouldn't you?!"

Cheek. Pure bl**dy cheek. Just because I don't have petite, cupcake-sized morags.


----------



## madalicedj (19 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			SO... 

I am casually mooching about at home after a hard morning's painting my yard - no make up on, hair up, about 5 zillion layers on under a big, painty fleece, and some very strange slippers...thinking I am just going to be home for a while to eat some lunch and make some important businessy phone calls...rather enjoying being at home for a change having moved back in while my yard gets sorted out...

cue a VERY loud and crazy Nazi-esque knock at the door....

I shuffle over in my mingingness to answer the door thinking it's a friend from the next village bringing me some figs (not for waxing!)....



but no 



it's the bloody farrier. 









and his bloody flat mate. 





and my dog. 




My lovely darling dog heard his van up the road at a friend's yard, and went visiting, so mister super sexy brought him back when he'd finished working.



Cut to my mother and I having a complete melt down and turning into a pair of right dicks. My mother mostly just ran about shrieking "COME IN AND HAVE A SAUSAGE!!!" while I just stood and died inside thinking "I am the rankest looking rank thing from rank town, please just go away and leave me to die alone quietly".


Both of them were lovely and charming as always. 

I was a knob, and looked like I should really crawl back into the drain I crawled out of. 



Now please excuse me while I go and stick my head in a bucket of whelks and hope they suck out my soul.
		
Click to expand...



 i have read 1 or 2 of your threads. Very amusing . Never fear 1 day you will look back and laugh. You gatta. We are now hee hee. Cant you pretend you have an unfortunate twin sister


----------



## Whelk (19 October 2010)

Have googled axelotl, That would do nicely, thank you.  Could you get me a man whelk from the sea (and promise not to suck him dry?) I do so enjoy the company of my own kind.  I will call off Lenny Lobster from kicking your behind and of course keep quiet about your rather freeky soul sucking tendencies, Gollum has also agreed not to pee on your leg for me if you do this.  We can work on your pulling technique for FF and I can have a pair of these sent in from the sea for your morags...
http://www.fancydressdirect.co.uk/images/P/22708.jpg

they work for the mermaids, although they will have to be from Veeerry big scallops.

Cyril also said that he will fix your morag restrainers with his spider thread.

Do we have a deal (can I come out from my hiding place now?) or are you going to slash me up and suck out my soul?


----------



## Whelk (19 October 2010)

Whelk said:



			Have googled axelotl, That would do nicely, thank you.  Could you get me a man whelk from the sea (and promise not to suck him dry?) I do so enjoy the company of my own kind.  I will call off Lenny Lobster from kicking your behind and of course keep quiet about your rather freeky soul sucking tendencies, Gollum has also agreed not to pee on your leg for me if you do this.  We can work on your pulling technique for FF and I can have a pair of these sent in from the sea for your morags...
http://www.fancydressdirect.co.uk/images/P/22708.jpg

they work for the mermaids, although they will have to be from Veeerry big scallops.

Cyril also said that he will fix your morag restrainers with his spider thread.

Do we have a deal (can I come out from my hiding place now?) or are you going to slash me up and suck out my soul?
		
Click to expand...

p.s can I have my very own rock in there too?


----------



## Starzaan (19 October 2010)

Deal. 

I love you really little whelk. (I also BLATES know who you are!!!) 

You see, I only whelked it up to the max because I'm a sad one, and you all made me feel better... so really, I love you.


----------



## DH1 (19 October 2010)

dibbin said:



			I think they're marvellous, I may make some and give them to people as gifts. Although I showed the picture to my mum (who I think may know Starzaan's mum, as they are similarly odd) and she said, "well, you'd need to make two big Victoria sponges if you were doing yours, wouldn't you?!"

Cheek. Pure bl**dy cheek. Just because I don't have petite, cupcake-sized morags.
		
Click to expand...

Dibbin
PMSL!! I am very envious of you and Starzan in the Morag department. 

You need a couple of Victoria sponge cake tins and I would manage very well with a couple of Ferrero Rocher paper cases.


----------



## Starzaan (19 October 2010)

My morags are not enormous, they're a healthy 32D thank you! 

Still ample enough to sock me in the eyeholes though...


----------



## Whelk (19 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Deal. 

I love you really little whelk. (I also BLATES know who you are!!!) 

You see, I only whelked it up to the max because I'm a sad one, and you all made me feel better... so really, I love you.
		
Click to expand...


Loves ya too not so evil sea witch, I will tutor you in the mating behaviour of whelks, It is something along the lines of poking your head out of your shell and saying 'fancy a sh*g' works very well for us 

As my alter ego I have watched your thread and I too have rolled with laughter, but believe me, I am certain you do not know who I really am

voice your guess at who I normally am on here and I will tell you if you are wrong, or wrong


----------



## Starzaan (19 October 2010)

Whelk said:



			Loves ya too not so evil sea witch, I will tutor you in the mating behaviour of whelks, It is something along the lines of poking your head out of your shell and saying 'fancy a sh*g' works very well for us 

As my alter ego I have watched your thread and I too have rolled with laughter, but believe me, I am certain you do not know who I really am

voice your guess at who I normally am on here and I will tell you if you are wrong, or wrong

Click to expand...

How rude. 

Does your name in LIFE begin with a C? If not, then I'm actually all kinds of wrong and give up. A lot.

My near death experience today was worth it in the end... the horse who did NOT try to kill anyone was purchased. And I survived. Good ting all round!


----------



## JenHunt (19 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			and the mechanic puts carrots in Shepherd's Pie.
		
Click to expand...

and the problem with this is....??? there's normally carrots in shepherds pie isn't there?



Riverboy said:



			And Starzan - the FF definately likes you - I am lucky if my BF texts me once every few days, not in double figures in a day!!! You are in there like swimwear my dear....x
		
Click to expand...

ditto this... freaky running boy is in germany for a week and I've had 2 message off him in that time!! FF defo luuuurves you.


----------



## Starzaan (19 October 2010)

Only heathens and idiots put carrots in shepherd's pie. 

You disgust me. 


Get out!


And he clearly does NOT luuuurve me, because if he did, he would have told me so by now. Or at least done a casual face lick.


----------



## Queenbee (19 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			How rude. 

Does your name in LIFE begin with a C? If not, then I'm actually all kinds of wrong and give up. A lot.

My near death experience today was worth it in the end... the horse who did NOT try to kill anyone was purchased. And I survived. Good ting all round!
		
Click to expand...

*whispers* t'was me 



Good thing, not good to have horse try and kill you, bad for moral don't you know, I had an absolute nutter bought for a pound/sold as a lawnmower for a pound.  I called her 'the killer' not one of my brightest moves.

Now open that drawer put fabulous undies on and next time FF texts you say you were off out to pub, but now have no comany...

P.S. I have my own FF (fit farmer lol)

Good sparing with you, now be nice to whelk and no impersonating Violent Quiches  

By the way, your posts and your replies to me today have had me LOL at work and home, u put the STAR in Starzaan, now go get your man


----------



## Queenbee (19 October 2010)

jenhunt said:



			and the problem with this is....??? there's normally carrots in shepherds pie isn't there?



ditto this... freaky running boy is in germany for a week and I've had 2 message off him in that time!! FF defo luuuurves you.

Click to expand...

If I want my FF to text me I am nasty to him, I normally get a desperate 30+ texts then, and faaaabulous make up S*X, and extra quota of hay and straw!!!  he falls for it every time


----------



## Starzaan (19 October 2010)

Queenbee, I think I'm a bit madlesbiany for you....


----------



## skychick (19 October 2010)

queenbee said:



			If I want my FF to text me I am nasty to him, I normally get a desperate 30+ texts then, and faaaabulous make up S*X, and extra quota of hay and straw!!!  he falls for it every time

Click to expand...

 love your work


----------



## Queenbee (19 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Queenbee, I think I'm a bit madlesbiany for you....
		
Click to expand...

me for you too hunny...

Well it's a step up from a prawn wielding nigella for you... you have good taste.  As do I.

Be extra nice to my alter ego and me and I will be extra nasty to my FF, he will then have to send you free hay and straw too, to get in my good books.

You bag your FF,  34 texts a day!  Woman are you do-lally? (wait, do not answer that) HE WANTS YOU TO OPEN YOUR S*XY UNDIES DRAWER! get your morags out (well you already do) and just go get him, rugby tackle him to the ground if you have to.  Once you have said FF, I will exchange free hay/straw for free shoes and if we find 2 others to go madlesbiany for who have FV (fit vet) partner and FBP (fit back person) partner we can save sooooooo much money 

ohh and whilst we all on hho have very vivid imaginations, when you do bag him, we want details as only you can tell them!  My key board at work is getting old (atleast a week) and I wan't to snort coffee over it so I can get a funky ergonomic keyboard


----------



## Queenbee (19 October 2010)

skychick said:



 love your work 

Click to expand...


3 1/2 years on I have stables and field for my 2 
1 holiday paid for
1 foal for christmas
free hay and straw
use of farm account
my dog in our home (he hates dogs)
and horizontal dancing 6 times a week 

and all from a self proclaimed scrooge who would swallow coal and ***** diamonds if he could...

Ladies... it works,


----------



## HollyWoozle (19 October 2010)

queenbee said:



			Once you have said FF, I will exchange free hay/straw for free shoes and if we find 2 others to go madlesbiany for who have FV (fit vet) partner and FBP (fit back person) partner we can save sooooooo much money 

Click to expand...

Find me a FV of FBP and my FF is a goner for this cause...  I want IN.


----------



## Queenbee (19 October 2010)

HollyWoozle said:



			Find me a FV of FBP and my FF is a goner for this cause...  I want IN.
		
Click to expand...

done deal, do they have fo be FV and FBP?  or can they be BUGLYV and BUGLYBP,  that would widen the search


----------



## HollyWoozle (19 October 2010)

queenbee said:



			done deal, do they have fo be FV and FBP?  or can they be BUGLYV and BUGLYBP,  that would widen the search 

Click to expand...

Haha, it depends on the savings they will bring! I could really lower my standards for a good price...


----------



## Queenbee (19 October 2010)

HollyWoozle said:



			Haha, it depends on the savings they will bring! I could really lower my standards for a good price... 

Click to expand...

ha ha! cheep tart   liking your style. deal.


----------



## HollyWoozle (19 October 2010)

queenbee said:



			ha ha! cheep tart   liking your style. deal.
		
Click to expand...

I'd like to blame horse ownership for leading to me cheapen myself like this (needs must and all that) but to be honest, I was probably quite cheap to begin with. One drink and I'm up for it, one free vet check for my neddy and god knows what I'd offer!


----------



## Queenbee (19 October 2010)

HollyWoozle said:



			I'd like to blame horse ownership for leading to me cheapen myself like this (needs must and all that) but to be honest, I was probably quite cheap to begin with. One drink and I'm up for it, one free vet check for my neddy and god knows what I'd offer! 

Click to expand...

do you know what, I have been very careful to not drink when reading posts (not wanting to destroy my own personal laptop and all) so I have had my wine between post with OH AKA my FF watching me giggle away all evening.  but what happens when I light a cigarette?  I end up drawing on it and snorting smoke down my nose!!!  MY eyes running and nose burning and smouldering OH has looked at me and said 'you're obviously on fire tonight, I can't refuse a woman who's so hot for me!'  I like you am anyones after a drink, so do not intend to refuse (well not for long anyhow! LOL)


----------



## Starzaan (19 October 2010)

Hollywoozle - I have an FV  if you'd like him? He's not a F as FF, but he's still pretty damn nice! He also didn't bat an eyelid when I phoned him at 5am one Sunday morning to come and rescue my horse (I knew he was on call, and didn't bother with ringing the surgery, just rang his house phone and shrieked down it for a bit til he picked up!) who had sliced a hole through his eyelid on his blind side.

He arrived to find me in my pyjamas (tartan shorts, an "I heart lacrosse" hoody, wellies, and tweed coat) standing on a bucket with a bag of frozen peas on my pony's head. He just told me that I was a **** and lucky to have such a tolerant horse, and asked if I was going to man up enough to inject him or did I still have a complex about injecting my own horses? (weird one that... can do anyone else's, just not my own...)

You're welcome to him. He's got a VERY nice car too...


Mechanic and I just had a very strange fight... consequestly I'm a bit damp and pathetic...I'd give a spectacularly limp handshake if I met you right now! I also may have just drunk half a pint of Lea & Perrins for £50... I made the money, but now my insides are flipping about all Worcestershirey like.... 


Queenbee, I'm more madlesbiany for you than for Nigella...... 








would you like a sausage?


----------



## HollyWoozle (19 October 2010)

queenbee said:



			do you know what, I have been very careful to not drink when reading posts (not wanting to destroy my own personal laptop and all) so I have had my wine between post with OH AKA my FF watching me giggle away all evening.  but what happens when I light a cigarette?  I end up drawing on it and snorting smoke down my nose!!!  MY eyes running and nose burning and smouldering OH has looked at me and said 'you're obviously on fire tonight, I can't refuse a woman who's so hot for me!'  I like you am anyones after a drink, so do not intend to refuse (well not for long anyhow! LOL)
		
Click to expand...

Ahahaha! You know, I got a Frenchman and thought "wahey, you know what they say about Frenchies being great lovers!". Well, it's true... when they're not either glued to their laptops or parked on the sofa. I'm 23... I NEED LOVE.

ETA: Starzaan, if FV can offer both free vet treatment, nice car and lovin', I could well be up for making a deal! In return I have some morags (albeit slightly less perky than they once were...) and I bake like a pro.


----------



## Starzaan (19 October 2010)

HollyWoozle said:



			Ahahaha! You know, I got a Frenchman and thought "wahey, you know what they say about Frenchies being great lovers!". Well, it's true... when they're not either glued to their laptops or parked on the sofa. I'm 23... I NEED LOVE.
		
Click to expand...

would YOU like a sausage?


----------



## Queenbee (19 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Queenbee, I'm more madlesbiany for you than for Nigella...... 








would you like a sausage?
		
Click to expand...

as long as it isn't a whelk sausage, I thought you'd never ask 



Starzaan said:



			Mechanic and I just had a very strange fight... consequestly I'm a bit damp and pathetic...I'd give a spectacularly limp handshake if I met you right now! I also may have just drunk half a pint of Lea & Perrins for £50... I made the money, but now my insides are flipping about all Worcestershirey like....
		
Click to expand...

Just what part of the mechanic were you fighting with to give you a limp handshake??  I won't even finish off my question... It would make even Nigella blush!

Off to bed now peeps,  madlesbiany love you you all


----------



## HollyWoozle (19 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			would YOU like a sausage?
		
Click to expand...

I'd have un saucisson if one was on offer but maybe I'll just have to settle for a good English banger...


----------



## Starzaan (20 October 2010)

Queenbee, you are a disgrace to madlesbianism! Lesbianism is my new favourite word....

This was NOT a fun fight, the limp handshake was merely an illustration.... a sort of metaphor if you will.... like my spectacular soapy balloon metaphor that crashed and burned because I was amongst heathens who didn't appreciate my flair for the English language.

And Hollywoozle, only good old English bangers here, although I'm sure we've still got some spicy Draiwoors from home for putting on the braai in summer... would you like a spicy sausage?


----------



## Starzaan (20 October 2010)

WAAAAAHHHHH! 

The mechanic just rang to say "I'm making you breakfast, do you want sausages???"

I actually snorted, and nearly fell off the horse I was riding.


----------



## Angua2 (20 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			WAAAAAHHHHH! 

The mechanic just rang to say "I'm making you breakfast, do you want sausages???"

I actually snorted, and nearly fell off the horse I was riding.
		
Click to expand...

Wayhay........ breakfast..... that must have been some disagreement for you to get breakfast even if it involves sausages.

let me know if you have to many sausages to handle, as I am sure we can find a home for them here.... 

...... as long as they are not whelk sausages of cause


----------



## Starzaan (20 October 2010)

But whelk sausages are the best kind!!

It WAS some disagreement... this is clearly a guilt fuelled breakfast, but that's fine with me - I shall just say "HMPH" a lot and make him grovel. He was the one being a mongface. 

I was, of course, entirely blameless and did nothing wrong... not even a little bit of flouncing...

(flouncing should be an olympic sport, I'm bloody good at it!)


I just found my trophy and sash stash from African Polocrosse Nationals, and am wafting around wearing five sashes, clutching my lucky polocrosse stick, and looking at photos of me being all cute when I was tiddly. 

FF is BOUND to come and knock on the bloody door now.

great.


----------



## Queenbee (20 October 2010)

Dear Madlesbiany morag wafting, welly dancing, me fancying, Starzaan.

How is your limp wrist today? 

I am currently sat at work computer working soooo hard   your comments are, as always making me laugh, but as yet I have not ruined my keyboard with Starbucks coffee.  Come on dear, do your job properly, I want that funky ergonomic keyboard thingy.

OH turned up looking like a convict last night he had his hair cut, there is now nothing to grab onto during the madnonlesbiany horizontal dances we have, it is most disconcerting, I feel like an ex smoker who has nothing to do with their hands   Even worse is when we go to sleep and he cuddles on behind me  his ears are now cold &#61516;

While we are on the subject of very odd things that OHs do, Hows about this one for a head spinner:

OH wakes up and sits up in bed, I asked whats wrong and he X his worker would be here in a bit to pick up the trailer with tractor. 

Hunny I said, tis three in the morning, 

he said no I need to be awake because I need to talk to him

I said what at three in the morning, could be so important?

He said I can get him to change the batteries in your R-Rabbit while hes here!!!!!  

WTF????!!!!

It was then that I realised I was not talking to my OH but a sleeptalking gimp!! (although he doesnt make much more sense when he is awake, he like starzaan has his very own language!)




And have decided that you should wear this to attract FF:
http://static.fancydress.com/resour...ducts/352/525/img525352//product-enlarged.jpg

Then he could wear this any you cold be a matching pair:

http://cdn1.ioffer.com/img/item/168/499/833/WJANl7SOolGcOrJ.jpg


You will soooo get him then, he won't be able to resist you feeling him up with your antennae thingemys. Looking at this picture and seeing what is sticking out through his legs I can see why you fancy pants off him


----------



## Starzaan (20 October 2010)

I'm so sorry, I was busy being all important and talking to an accountant about my business... which, incidentally, is much more exciting that I first thought, and he actually told me I'm going to be a gazillionaire. So I can buy myself a clone of FF and put a "love Starzaan" chip in it!

I am the queen of ridiculous sleep talk - my best to date was yonks ago when I sat bolt upright in bed (at boarding school I hasten to add) and shrieked "WHERE ARE THE GRAVE DIGGERS AND THE BONES?!?!?" 

My lovely room mate (used to my midnight ramblings) kindly sat up and said "don't worry, they're over there".... to which I replied "cheers doll" and went back to sleep. 


No wonder the housemistress looked relieved when I got my A level results and left!




I just thought "you know what... I'll have an avacado....I used to hate watercress, and I got over that, surely avocadoes aren't that bad...." 


I was so wrong.


Avacadoes are the food of satan. 







I want to be all madlesbiany just so I can say LESBIANISM all the time...


----------



## Queenbee (20 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			I'm so sorry, I was busy being all important and talking to an accountant about my business... which, incidentally, is much more exciting that I first thought, and he actually told me I'm going to be a gazillionaire. So I can buy myself a clone of FF and put a "love Starzaan" chip in it!

I am the queen of ridiculous sleep talk - my best to date was yonks ago when I sat bolt upright in bed (at boarding school I hasten to add) and shrieked "WHERE ARE THE GRAVE DIGGERS AND THE BONES?!?!?" 

My lovely room mate (used to my midnight ramblings) kindly sat up and said "don't worry, they're over there".... to which I replied "cheers doll" and went back to sleep. 


No wonder the housemistress looked relieved when I got my A level results and left!




I just thought "you know what... I'll have an avacado....I used to hate watercress, and I got over that, surely avocadoes aren't that bad...." 


I was so wrong.


Avacadoes are the food of satan. 







I want to be all madlesbiany just so I can say LESBIANISM all the time...
		
Click to expand...

I am busy working hard too, I have just had a rival service head hunt me, I don't know if I want my head hunted,  will it hurt?  Boss says no to fuky ergoboard thingemy so with all this typing I may get limp wrist syndrome too, OH will not be pleaseI am already a gazillionaire... I have been saving up all my chocolate gold coins from christmas since I was born,  I also have buckets of monopoly money so I am well blinging rich.

I heart avocados but I will make sure I do not eat them when we madlesbiany women get together




I also heart carrots, I am so sorry...

*hangs head in shame*






I will give up carrots and avocados for you because not only am I madlesbiany for you, you are my new 






P.S.  Had one more smiley for you, relating to your FF/Sausage/ and you  but I thought the HHOgestapo would probably pull my post if i put THAT on here, but it made me laugh and think of you


----------



## Starzaan (20 October 2010)

I think you might be a raging slag.....


Now I am very busy and important and doing things like getting business cards printed, so I really shouldn't be being all madlesbiany, but your morags need a good wafting love!


I have had a VERY exciting afternoon falling down a hole, and breaking my car. Luckily the mechanic was with me and he fixed it.... my name is Rave.


----------



## Queenbee (20 October 2010)

Starzaan said:



			I think you might be a raging slag.....
QUOTE]
I am, and proud of it *shouts*  I AM A RAGING SLAG   




Starzaan said:



			Now I am very busy and important and doing things like getting business cards printed, so I really shouldn't be being all madlesbiany, but your morags need a good wafting love!
QUOTE]
wafting as we speak 









Starzaan said:



			I have had a VERY exciting afternoon falling down a hole, and breaking my car. Luckily the mechanic was with me and he fixed it.... my name is Rave.
		
Click to expand...

did you fall down the hole with the car or were they seperate incidents.

I am off to do some OHMMing and Chanting to pure my filthy mind

you go be all important like and earn your gazillions
		
Click to expand...



Click to expand...


----------



## Starzaan (12 June 2012)

At the request of Shysmum, I am bumping the best of the "I love my farrier but he's ignoring my slaggy advances" threads to give you all a good laugh.


----------



## Equilibrium Ireland (12 June 2012)

This is new to me and an absolute riot!!!! Any updates? LOL!


----------



## flying solo (12 June 2012)

Miss the old stories Starzaan :-(


----------



## Angua2 (12 June 2012)

flying solo said:



			Miss the old stories Starzaan :-(
		
Click to expand...

me too


----------



## topclass (12 June 2012)

Ha ha ha ha ha  I think we all have day like that hun and its always the day when someone you think is cough " easy on the eye"  turns uo with me its the vet or rather whe he brings the new vet with him cough cough Im usually covered in crap from cleaning the open fires out of shoving crap from the fields and covered in mud so your not alone and OH always makes them a brew


----------



## Annie23 (12 June 2012)

Lunch plans have now changed for today .... I am having to go to Tesco to buy Tena Lady...

Can't believe I have never read this thread before... Starzaan you are my hero.  And I now have an absolute craving for a sausage harharhar..!!!!!! 

We need an update on FF.. whats the recent goss????


----------



## jeeve (12 June 2012)

oh glad it is not just me... brought back similar memories of me shuffling around in my mums large and olive green track pants after I had come home from hospital after an operation, and the farrier turned up. Yes really embarrassing... and me trying to explain it even more embarrassing.


----------



## Shysmum (12 June 2012)

HURRAH, THANKYOU


----------



## Princess Jess (12 June 2012)

Bowen4Horses said:



			"come in and have a sausage"???

really???

hahahahahha


ahahahahahahahaha


ahahahahahahahahahahahah

*breathe*

ahahahahahaha

*snort*

ahahahahaha

*chokes*
		
Click to expand...

Exactly this ^^^
Haha I'm sorry but thats just hilarious...sort of thing that happens to me ALL the time!!!


----------



## D66 (12 June 2012)

Bless you and your morags, wafting or otherwise.  You're wasted on HHO,you should do a creative writing course and earn zillions, and be properly famous.


----------



## Festive_Felicitations (13 June 2012)

Noooo! Dont say that Digger she might stop sharing with us!!!

Starzaan my love! Please tell me you are 'back' and going to be posting a bit more regularly! We miss you SOOOO much!


----------



## Tnavas (13 June 2012)

ROFL!!
Well if he asks you out it's because he likes your personality and looks don't matter!


----------



## GingerTrotter (13 June 2012)

Starzaan said:



			I just had a morag related incident...

being the delightful and kind person that I am, I volunteered to go over and jump a friend's horse for her because he's a pig who likes to refuse and run out and bronc and generally be a pillock at the beginning of the season... 

So after forty minutes of being bucked with and managing to get him over about three fences, I decided I was too bloody hot and stripped down to just breeches, boots, THE turquoise morag restrainer, and a strappy top thing.... 

I got the bugger over a hefty 1m30 upright....after which he broncked like there was no tomorrow, at which point my emergency orange thread repair job to the strap of my morag restrainer SNAPPED... 

now picture me being broncked with on 17.3hh of warmblood, while my (not so tiny) morags flap around like two enormous flapping things, hitting me in the eyes, and basically wafting about FAR TOO MUCH for my liking.

Said friend is at this point rolling around on the floor shrieking with laughter and screaming "YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME BREAK THE GOLDEN SEAL YOU SLAG!!" (meaning, "I'm going to dribble in my knicknacks").... sexy yard handy man walks in to see my morags all akimbo, hearing friend screaming that she's weeing all over the shop and it's my fault, and hears me shrieking "ATLAS YOU EFFING C I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU INTO CHESTNUT WARMBLOOD BURGERS IF YOU DON'T STOP MAKING MY MORAGS BANG AROUND!!!!"

Exit handyman.









Handyman returns....with friends.







I think I might have to go to the doctor with pulled morags.
		
Click to expand...

Good Lord!! just when i thought it couldnt get any funnier!!! 
I love it  i just choked on the juice of a small orange!


----------



## Inchy (15 June 2012)

Brilliant! Can't believe I missed it first time around!


----------



## catdragon (15 June 2012)

Thank you - my crappy day just got better, having re-read the Morag/Chestnut burger incident I had a good old LOL moment.

Itchy you star - this is one of my all time favourite threads....


----------



## bumblebee_ (15 June 2012)

I actually just inhaled the onion in my onion ring reading that!!! LMFAO!!!!! love it!! now i need a considerable amount of tissues to wipe the river from my eyes!!!


----------



## bumper (15 June 2012)

I'm laughing so much that the dogs look very worried!!!


----------



## GoodysMummy (15 June 2012)

come in and have a sausage? ....

LOLOLOLOLOL

*breathebreathe*

LOLOLOLOLOL

*chokes*

deary meee! your mum has just given me the biggest fit of the giggles! hats off to the woman!


----------



## Cupcakes and Horses (15 June 2012)

Stop it hurts!!


----------



## GoodysMummy (15 June 2012)

there is now a stream flowing from my eyes! that morag incident is an absolute gem! thankyou for cheering me up!


----------



## LisaS (15 June 2012)

Brilliant.....

Laughed so much that 


Well I have had 5 kids...


----------



## Bikerchickone (15 June 2012)

Lol! So now I'm rolling around the floor unable to get a word out to explain my tears of laughter to a stunned hubby! 

How to explain I too have had a strap snap whilst enjoying a mad hack and ended up with two morag shaped black eyes?


----------



## Challaborough Christmas Tree (7 August 2012)

Starzaan! I've been at my uncles house he's teaching me german and my auntie shouts in 'Elinor, how many sausages would you like with your dinner?' ohmygod I was already sat on the floor so I couldn't fall of my chair but I snorted repeatedly rolled around crying whilst yelling 'would you like a sausage?' with images of you, your mother and FF I think I may get sent to a pshyvo home... By the way we need an update it's been 2 months!


----------



## Starzaan (30 December 2014)

I re-read this whole fiasco whilst on the Eurostar coming home from Paris last night. 



How do I function? I had to do the walk of shame through Paris with no bra on the other day because the lovely man passed out on TOP of my bra. 

He didn't wake up when I fell out of the loo and landed in his wardrobe (still somewhat tiddly and trying to be quiet), so I had no hope of rousing him to retrieve it. 


Nice bra too. 



God. I should be locked away and left with a pile of lemons and a lighter.


----------



## Dollysox (30 December 2014)

This still makes me howl with laughter!!


----------



## OldNag (30 December 2014)

I always wondered what the sausage episode (that I've oft seen reference to) was about... now I understand!

If it's any consolation, there must be worse places to do a walk of shame without a bra than Paris


----------



## Cinnamontoast (30 December 2014)

Don't worry, it is in fact 'de rigeur' to walk bra less through Paris, dontcha know! Quite wrong, in fact, to wear a bra in that city. Probably. I confess I was at all times, 'with bra' when I lived there. No wonder people looked at me funny! Silly me!


----------



## Tern (31 December 2014)

HAHA! Can't believe I didn't read this last time it was bumped! 

Is this lad still your farrier and did anything happen?


----------



## Nessa4 (31 December 2014)

joeanne said:



			I need to stop laughing before I pee myself....

Your mum honestly offered the hot farrier a sausage? 

*falls of chair laughing*
		
Click to expand...

Or possibly offered the farrier a hot sausage?


----------



## Clannad48 (31 December 2014)

Oh Starzaan, how I've missed your posts


----------



## Starzaan (14 December 2015)

Another request for bumping for a good old laughy laugh. 

A quick moragulous update - my cat has jut pierced my morag. SHE PIERCED IT. 

It's like my soapy balloon. All deflated and sad like a sad thing.


----------



## madlady (14 December 2015)

Have just read this for the first time and now have mascara streaks down my face.

Priceless, just bloody priceless


----------



## Merlod (14 December 2015)

Are you the equestrian Georgia Nicolson? Please write diaries of your daily life, i'm sure everyone will be agog as a bunch of agog things in agog land!


----------



## ShadowHunter (14 December 2015)

Just reading this for the first time and I'm crying with laughter!  Did anything finally happen with FF?


----------



## skewbaldmillie (14 December 2015)

3DE said:



			Oh dear! I did the booby dance at the window once when my OH came home - farrier was in the car 


Oh no - standing, bare foot on a piece of lego!
		
Click to expand...

As if I wasn't already laughing very loudly and nearly wetting myself,  the booby dance has pushed me over the edge. I am stood at the yard laughing to the point where I am nearly crying and the yard owner (happens to be 6"5 and extremely handsome) walks past and asksam I ok and  if I need a glass of water!! I blame all of you.


----------



## khalino (15 December 2015)

Your mother is a legend and I need this post for the rest of my life


----------



## live-love-laugh (15 December 2015)

This has really made me laugh on a rather sad evening, so thank you lol..

And hey there's still a chance with FF, my new oh Mr Vet has seen me covered in mud smelling of horse pee, hair unwashed and scruffed up in a bun, seen me crying and snotty nosed and yet he still accepted my drinks offer when I asked and we are now dating &#128522;


----------

