# Bloody whelks. Bloody self pity. Bloody tomatohead.



## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

Right...

as some of you may know I have mostly spent the last week flitting between Intensive Care and Resuscitation and almost popping my wellies several times thanks to a massive massive allergic reaction to hair dye. 

I'm finally out of hospital (and have managed to stay that way for a whole day, which is very noice thank you!) but am still on a drip and being pumped full of pain killers, sedatives and all that jazz to try and stabilise my bonkers heartbeat and get rid of the reaction, and my lovely consultant is coming to check on me and top up the squishy little bag of rainbow drugs... 

Now, it's all very well and good being so off my face that I can't even stand up without toppling over like a drunken flamingo on a frozen lake, and sitting in bed all bloody day watching Masterchef... but I am
a) bored
b) fed up with being all ouchy
c) NOT AMUSED about having to miss the opening meets of BOTH the packs I hunt with
d) lonely - everyone is out doing my sodding horses all day, so I just have Nigella Lawson and Jeremy Kyle (and occasionally the doctor) for company
e) bruised to the point of looking like I've been throwing myself under trains
f) having a complete freak out about FF coming to do my horses on Thursday.

I no longer have a giant tomatohead; the swelling is now mainly on my neck, although I do have two cracking black eyes and generally look like something a particularly disgusting worm riddled cat would throw up... 

There is also the small problem of being too drugged and weak to stand up for very long, let alone hold my knobby twatty youngster,who at 17.2hh at just 3yrs is a bit of an arse when he wants to be! I am DETERMINED to go and hold my horses for FF - I have managed to persuade my consultant to let me go, with the understanding that I am not allowed to get excited (fat chance) and have silly heart moments again, and that I must then go straight back to bedfordshire and not ride or do any hard work until I'm completely better.... but I will most definitely not be a morag wafting sex goddess...

more like a battered, cannula wafting idiot. 

So now I would like some butterscotch angel delight, sympathy, and for someone to make me laugh. 

Do your worst HHO.


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## TheEquineOak (2 November 2010)

Today my horse dragged me (water ski style including the fall and drag) across a very very muddy field, onto concrete and into the stable....kind of a little bit amusing.  Although I doubt my bruises will be as bad as yours in the morning!!

Awww Strarzaan.  Even when your feeling so poorly, you still manage to make me smile


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

Well I'm very pleased that my wallowing in a deep lake of self pity makes you smile.

I reserve the right to laugh a LOT at your misfortune today. 
HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA



HA



ha




di
































ha.


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## Rueysmum (2 November 2010)

Bleeding 'eck - all that for a hair dye?  I take it your experience happened in a salon?  Sue the blighters!  

Next time I would recommend a really cheap DIY dye from Tesco - last one I bought cost me £1.50.  My roots are coming through now (think grey haired old lady), so I've budgeted to put my hand in my pocket again during the weekly shop on Saturday.

Seriously though, you poor thing.  Hope you get better soon.  Your recent mishap hasn't affected your literary skills though.  Well honed as ever.  Keep your chin up and make sure the doctors stay on their toes.  Not sure about holding the horse for FF though.  Won't you frighten him off?  (I take it this is the farrier?)


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## TheEquineOak (2 November 2010)

Haha!!  you devil.

I'm waiting for the thread where you have finally made a move on FF.

I actually feel like driving down there, dressing up as you (minus the tomatohead) and asking the guy out!!!!


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

Sadly I feel too mean to sue the salon - they've been so lovely about it all, and it really was just a freak reaction as I've had my hair dyed just about every colour under the sun!

FF is the farrier.... and I think we can safely say I've scared him off already by being a raging lunatic and ninny, so I am now perfectly happy to humiliate myself further...and safe in the knowledge that I have no dignity left. 

Anywhere.


And I have also completely given up on making a move... I have the lovely mechanic, and he has the terrible trout... but it is still nice to think that one is a little bit wanted and sexaaay.

Clearly not sexay at the moment avec ridic bruising and a drip in my arm, but heyho. I could always play the damsel in distress


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## dibbin (2 November 2010)

Oh no Starzaan! But you should go see FF on Thursday, then when you next see him when your tomatohead is gone completely he will be STRUCK by your gorgeousness!

Foolproof plan or what?

I take cheques.


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## HollyWoozle (2 November 2010)

Starzaan my dear, you have to play the sympathy card, it's clearly your best option. You are like a damsel in hair dye related distress... how could any man with a heart resist you?

I have no AD but I do have a caramel shape dessert thingy?

ETA: Ahahaha! I didn't see your damsel in distress bit until after posting this. Clearly it is a genius plan.


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

Caramel is acceptable....

And Dibbin, I no longer have a tomatohead, I just look like I've had my arse kicked. 

And I also sound like I've been drinking vodka through a straw for five days....


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## zoon (2 November 2010)

Make your butterscotch angel delight with Baileys instead of milk - that'll cheer you up as it is quite possibly the most scrumptious thing on the whole earth!


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## kerilli (2 November 2010)

Can I be really boring and suggest that you ask FF to leave it another week to allow you time to get back to your stonkingly wonderful best (for idiotic youngster holding, hardcore flirting, etc.)


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

Sadly FF is off on holiday next week... and my ponies need doing, so no can do on the waiting!

And Zoon, I would LOVE to make angel delight with Bailey's...but sadly, no drinkies for me until I'm off the druggies. 

FORTY DAYS OF DRUGGIES.

Lucky lucky me.


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## HollyWoozle (2 November 2010)

zoon said:



			Make your butterscotch angel delight with Baileys instead of milk - that'll cheer you up as it is quite possibly the most scrumptious thing on the whole earth!
		
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You

are

a

GENIUS.


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## dibbin (2 November 2010)

I find Angel Delight offensive ... yeuch.


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

I find your face offensive, but I don't complain about it!!


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## Jesstickle (2 November 2010)

Yikes woman! You don't lead a quiet life do you?! 

No advice for FF but feel better soon hey


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## SVMel (2 November 2010)

Missed the whole episode til this thread.

Poor POOR you!!!!! You don't do things by halves do you?!

Hope you're feeling better soon, horrible things, these reactions. By the way, did anyone take any pics............


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## Hacked_Off (2 November 2010)

When FF comes, just casually mention to him how you've been so lonely and bored lying in bed all day, and that you'd kill for someone to visit you. Hopefully he'll take the hint and when he does come round you can be lying in bed looking all lovely dressed up in skimpy lacy nightie things


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## zoon (2 November 2010)

HollyWoozle said:



			You

are

a

GENIUS.
		
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Thanks - I have a masters degree, but that is in fact one of the only things I remember learning at uni.  Another being that vodka watermelons don't work.  I think most of the things I learnt were alcohol related!


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## zoon (2 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Sadly FF is off on holiday next week... and my ponies need doing, so no can do on the waiting!

And Zoon, I would LOVE to make angel delight with Bailey's...but sadly, no drinkies for me until I'm off the druggies. 

FORTY DAYS OF DRUGGIES.

Lucky lucky me.
		
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just think of it as 40 days until Baileys angel delight!


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## Natch (2 November 2010)

Oh good lord Starzan, how do you do it?!

Get someone else to hold the horses for FF. Then he will miss you, come round a day or two later with flowers and kisses (when you will be less tomato faced) and whisk you off on holiday with him and your drugs.

or at least, if your drugs are exciting ones thats what you can do anyway from the comfort of your own living room 

PS are you SURE it wasn't a stray morag that caused your bruising?


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## dibbin (2 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			I find your face offensive, but I don't complain about it!! 

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*sniffle sniffle*

Thing is, at the moment ... your face is just offensive to everyone 

(You have my deepest sympathy, obviously. How has the mechanic dealt with your sudden-onset elephantitis? Did he come to see you?)


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

Mechanic is being a bit of a knob actually..but hey ho!!

DIBBIN YOU RUDE SLAGGYPANTS my face has gone DOWN NOW! I am no longer a tomatohead, I'm a bruised-arms-and-face-and-neck-head, and sadly he knew I was in hospital and merely complained that I don't make him bacon sandwiches. He isn't aware that I almost died... but still, a BIT of sympathy wouldn't go amiss! I am a DAMSEL IN DISTRESS DAMN THEM! 

Or rather, I am now... I WAS a damson in distress...


There are photos...I will post them when I can get someone to bring my phone in from the other room... but for now, I shall remain in my bed of pain. All bruised and high.


and ALONEY ON MY OWNY.


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## Rueysmum (2 November 2010)

Rachiie said:



			When FF comes, just casually mention to him how you've been so lonely and bored lying in bed all day, and that you'd kill for someone to visit you. Hopefully he'll take the hint and when he does come round you can be lying in bed looking all lovely dressed up in skimpy lacy nightie things 

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Tell him you did it just for him.  (Or maybe not, as probably that would just get you committed).


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## Echo Bravo (2 November 2010)

Well girl, you got you asked for he's most probably finally noticed you. But sorry no sympathy from me. You made umpteen poor bloody Whelks die mostly lack of oxygen and fear, your self pity astounds me and I still two dresses the Katie Price pink thing with sequinces and the black slinky one with chicken feather top and bottom and you let us down everytime. My diary has had some many dates scratched out, I'm not sure which year I'm in anymore


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## dibbin (2 November 2010)

Hmm, your mechanic sounds a bit rubbish. Surely he should have been wailing and gnashing his teeth at your bedside? I would have if I were him (I mean that in a non-madlesbiany way).


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## Echo Bravo (2 November 2010)

come on Dibben, she's used up her, what's the word, SELF PITY too many times. I think the FF and the Mechanic are well out of it


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

Are you not all madlesbiany for me    


Echo Bravo, shut your chicken feathered trap please. My diary is too full of self pity to even contemplate your morags wafting around in that katie price creation...


Mechanic is very nice... but hasn't been to see me (I discouraged him at first as I was a giant tomatohead..but even one little visit would have been nice...seeing as I almost died and all...) and has spent the last few days whining down the phone about how he feels sick/tired/bored etc etc etc and is going to bed early. 

Now, I can't really talk as breathing is still a bit iffy (feels like someone has their hands round my throat the whole time... delightful) and so I have just been humphing a lot and feeling more and more sorry for myself.

Dibbin, come and be madlesbiany please. I would like to feel wanted. You can have some of my morphine.


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## HollyWoozle (2 November 2010)

You could try to wangle a nice comment from him, something like "well, I thought I would look nicer with <whatever colour> hair..." and maybe he'll say "you look like a sexy beast already!"


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## Hacked_Off (2 November 2010)

Rueysmum said:



			Tell him you did it just for him.  (Or maybe not, as probably that would just get you committed).
		
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Hehe


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## dibbin (2 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Dibbin, come and be madlesbiany please. I would like to feel wanted. You can have some of my morphine.
		
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Well, I suppose if there's morphine on offer I can't really refuse ...


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## Crazy Friesian (2 November 2010)

Starzaan, it could be worse:

When I was a kid people used to cover me with cream and put cherries on my head. It was tough growing up in the gateau. 

Ok not that funny, but it did make me smile...

Hope you feel better soon. Could get you a whole load of sympathy from FF.


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## Echo Bravo (2 November 2010)

Stranglehold round your neck. HUMMMM!!!! could it be the Whelks getting their own back.


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## Anuka (2 November 2010)

Rachiie said:



			When FF comes, just casually mention to him how you've been so lonely and bored lying in bed all day, and that you'd kill for someone to visit you. Hopefully he'll take the hint and when he does come round you can be lying in bed looking all lovely dressed up in skimpy lacy nightie things 

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Good plan. Just seduce him there and then, and since you're already in the bed he won't have far to go when one thing leads to another...


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

I'll give you whelks to mad old bat!!! Careful... I'll stick my cannula in your eye and squeeze the drip bag thing so you are all sedated and mad...


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## Echo Bravo (2 November 2010)

The drugs kicking are they. Watch out for the nightmares the WHELKES are waiting and maybe the FF


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

I wouldn't mind a nightmare if the FF was in it... whelks and all!

I did spend half an hour talking to a picture of Lloyd Grossman yesterday, so I think we can safely say I'm off my head on these little drugolas!


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## JenHunt (2 November 2010)

oh Starzaan... it's not the whelks, or the drugs, or indeed the tomatohead inducing hair dye that's done this... its the after-effects of the de-waxed lemons catching up with you! 

well if neither Muscly Mechanic nor FF had the decency to visit your bedside whilt you were nearly dying then you should have croaked a bit louder and I'm sure half of the madlesbiany bunch on here (myself included no doubt) would have come galumphing to your Damson-in-distress aid!


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## dibbin (2 November 2010)

I now have an image of the FF shoeing a whelk whilst talking to Lloyd Grossman. I'm convinced Irn Bru has drugs in it ... would explain a LOT about Glasgow ...


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

*very loud croak*


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## JenHunt (2 November 2010)

dibbin said:



			I now have an image of the FF shoeing a whelk whilst talking to Lloyd Grossman. I'm convinced Irn Bru has drugs in it ... would explain a LOT about Glasgow ...
		
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indeed it would... it would also explain its wide use as a hangover "cure" in the majority of scotland (to my knowledge anyway)


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

* * very very bloody loud cacophony of croaks * *


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## jodie3 (2 November 2010)

Oh Starzan, what a complicated life you lead!!

Are you sure it was the hair dye and not a reaction to shell fish?

I'm afraid Mr Mechanic has gone down in my estimation, he should have ignored your comments about not wanting him to see you in such a state and have rushed to your side in the ICU and fed you pureed grapes!

As the others have said is this not a good opportunity to win FF over on the sympathy vote and once you've got him and are feeling better unleash the morags in their full glory and he will be yours!!

Failing that how about the Doctor?  Sounds keen if he is making house calls and he has seen you at your worst so now can only be dazzled by the morags and tassles and welly dancing.  And then Echo Bravo might have a use for her tasteful KP dress?


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## JenHunt (2 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			* * very very bloody loud cacophony of croaks * *
		
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ok ok ok.... got the message... 

am sending Angel Delight, and cake in advance of myself, but please save me some!


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## dibbin (2 November 2010)

Have some madlesbiany Irn Bru, sorry it's all I've got at the moment.


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## DH1 (2 November 2010)

Poor, poor, poor, lovely confused in love lust Starzaan. (my attempt at sympathy).

I wonder if they had to do one of those allergy test things before deciding it was hair dye that did the damage.
It goes to show how careful you should be when trying too many new things at once, like Fit Farriers, hunky mechanics, toxic ex boyfriends, waxy lemons and Whelks


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

That's more like it.

I'm watching a ridiculous documentary about women morag feeding their seven year old children... I feel all normal...


I have just had a visit from my darling friend gay Matt.... and his first words when he walked into my bedroom of pain were "god you look even more **** that you did with a head the size of a taxi" . 

Men are DELIGHTFUL


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## Hacked_Off (2 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			That's more like it.

I'm watching a ridiculous documentary about women morag feeding their seven year old children... I feel all normal...
		
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Sounds interesting... What channel is it on? Not that i'm thinking of watching it or anything...


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## MrsMozart (2 November 2010)

Not laughing.




No.




Not.




Not. Not. Not.




Honest.




*runs off into cellar and guffaws into the tumble drier*





P.S. Ditch the Mechanic


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

MrsM, I hope you get shut in the tumbley job. And spun around. 

A lot.


You're all bloody useless.. HOW many of you voted for the mechanic?!?! 

Pah pah pah!


(Living TV for the morag feeding... it's terrifying!)


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## HollyWoozle (2 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			I'm watching a ridiculous documentary about women morag feeding their seven year old children... I feel all normal...
		
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I think I've seen this one before... it certainly is one to make you feel less like a freak! Just like watching Jeremy Kyle makes me suddenly feel amazingly attractive, intelligent, funny and charming (and moralistic). I would watch it more often if I didn't feel so inclined to hunt down the participants with blunt and/or rusty weapons.


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## Ladyinred (2 November 2010)

I swear to you all that his is a true story.. on the life of my youngest whelkling.

Today, at work, I was telling my persistant.. sorry, assistant.. the sad tale of Starzaan and her hair dye and told her to always patch test. She told me she did.. and went onto explain...


"I always cut off a bit of hair and test it first........ "


I tried to explain and she didn't get it. Maybe I better buy her whelks now, she will need them..


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## Crazy Friesian (2 November 2010)

Ladyinred said:



			I swear to you all that his is a true story.. on the life of my youngest whelkling.

Today, at work, I was telling my persistant.. sorry, assistant.. the sad tale of Starzaan and her hair dye and told her to always patch test. She told me she did.. and went onto explain...


"I always cut off a bit of hair and test it first........ "


I tried to explain and she didn't get it. Maybe I better buy her whelks now, she will need them..
		
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Should she be allowed out on her own???  I would laugh but I would upset a recovering kitty and his faithful kitten attendant.


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## Mike007 (2 November 2010)

Starzaan,the thing that would chear me up no end in your position is the thought of taking the hair dye manufacturer to the cleaners. A few extra split ends... acceptable. An adverse colour reaction .. hmm ,could let that go. Nearly killing your customer ,a bit of a No No Really.


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

Wooowww.... 

has she ever been on Jeremy Kyle?


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## DH1 (2 November 2010)

Clearly EB is really quite upset, that neither the KP pink sequinned bimbo number or the black slinky chicken feather extravaganza outfit ,are no longer appropriate.

The least she could do is buy a nice little Nurses outfit (most appropriate) and come and look after you (in a non mad special lesbiany way)


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

How rude... EB will of COURSE be needing her supersexy outfits at some point... but I would rather not look like I've been whacked repeatedly with a rock in the photos....


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## Ladyinred (2 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Wooowww.... 

has she ever been on Jeremy Kyle?
		
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I believe she is working on that in other areas of her life. Lovely girl, kind hearted and works her socks off.. but, 'special'  She spent six months believing that an earwig had crawled into her ear one night and was feasting on her neural pathways...


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## CalllyH (2 November 2010)

jesus lord what the hell happened - thats some serious reaction

hugs hun


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## Hacked_Off (2 November 2010)

Ladyinred said:



			I believe she is working on that in other areas of her life. Lovely girl, kind hearted and works her socks off.. but, 'special'  She spent six months believing that an earwig had crawled into her ear one night and was feasting on her neural pathways...
		
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Now that IS special


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

Ladyinred said:



			I believe she is working on that in other areas of her life. Lovely girl, kind hearted and works her socks off.. but, 'special'  She spent six months believing that an earwig had crawled into her ear one night and was feasting on her neural pathways...
		
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Bloody earwigs causing severe mental problems.... pinchy little buggers..


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## Ladyinred (2 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Bloody earwigs causing severe mental problems.... pinchy little buggers..
		
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There you go. Whelks suck out your soul and earwigs pinch your mind. Nowhere's safe I tell you.. nowhere at all.


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## Three (2 November 2010)

Two words...

Paper bag.


A big one to cover any residual swollen nasty bits and your drip & drip stand if it's going with you.

If FF asks what's it all about tell him you're going rustling when he's finished.


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## Millyard Rejects (2 November 2010)

starzaan hope you will recover totally from you hair dye horror.
I now worry as to the recent addiction i have developed of dyeing my hair. 
I was a natural blond...i dyed my hair brunette and all the fun went out of my life! so im now planning a day of chemical mixing upon my scalp and going back to my blond locks. 
BTW mechanics are renowned for been useless at picking up on subtle hints through flirting, so too are farriers- that is because they spend their days constantly been flirted with by numpty girls in pink joddies 
angel delight made with baileys??? mmmmmmmmmm.


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

In spite of the fact that you're all mad and rather rude trudies, you're definitely cheering me up...

I'm going to tell people that I'm a professional wrestler... much better story.


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## DH1 (2 November 2010)

Mmmm a professional wrestler..... I can see where your coming from, as this would explain your current 'look'. However since you are the one with the bruises you would obviously look like you were rubbish wrestler, not very Starzaany.

Am liking the paper bag idea, I have a KP Equestrian one somewhere (you and EB will co ordinate).


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

So I take it we're thinking my spectacular bruises and damsel in distress trilemma are going to frighten FF even more than my sausage wielding mother.... 

bugger.


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## Crazy Friesian (2 November 2010)

DH1 said:



			Mmmm a professional wrestler..... I can see where your coming from, as this would explain your current 'look'. However since you are the one with the bruises you would obviously look like you were rubbish wrestler, not very Starzaany.
		
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Ah but it could be argued that you should see the other guy!!!!


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

Crazyfriesian said:



			Ah but it could be argued that you should see the other guy!!!! 

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Exactly!


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## CalllyH (2 November 2010)

Im watching a wierd programme on sky 2 about shared marriages and 3 somes! mmmm I think i prefer my nice quiet single life!


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## DH1 (2 November 2010)

Yes I'm afraid so. As far as I know black eyes and bruises may not high on the list of things a FF might find attractive and alluring about yours truly. 
You may well be as scarey as the Mother of Starzaan in a sausage factory.

I'm afraid the movie must go ahead,  Julie Walters (Mrs Overall/Petula Gardena)  will be furious if her dream role is cancelled.

Your recent disaster will be great in the film, we need somebody to play the Hairdresser and the Doctor.


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

Put some GIANT black glasses on Geoff from Ace of Cakes.... and you have my doctor.


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## Ladyinred (2 November 2010)

Hey.. thinking conspiracy theory here. I suppose it isn't possible that your hairdresser is related to the trouty one? <cue sinister music>


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

Oh crapola.....


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## MrsMozart (2 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			In spite of the fact that you're all mad and rather rude trudies, you're definitely cheering me up...

I'm going to tell people that I'm a professional wrestler... much better story.
		
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Hm.



Going by that shiner, I suggest you rethink your career choice....


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## DH1 (2 November 2010)

Mega Crapola ! Thank goodness LIR highlighted the possibility of a conspiracy to damage Starzaans looks.

Obviously the damage is a bit of a nuisance for you Starzaan, but worse than that, we could have cast a bimbo type for the hairdresser not a bunny boiler !!


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

MrsM... get your bottom back in the laundry room. 


I may have just  sent a strongly worded email to Wella... detailing my predicament. Let us see what happens! 

Every channel I turn to has morags on it.... could this be a sign?!?! Shall I just wear a bag on my head and whack out my morags?!


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## MrsMozart (2 November 2010)

Shan't! *wiggles tongue at Starzaan in a most decidedly unlesbiany way*

Anyhoo, it's toooooooo faaaaaaaaat  Couldn't get it down the cellar stairs if three hunky men tried to shoe horn me down there 


Willy Wella, well there's a thing. Given your choice of diet of druggies for the evening, did you get someone to sanity check it first....? I can't decide if frequent references to whelks and your lost chance of holding your 17.2hh of muscular horse for the fit farrier, is going to work or if your email will end up in the round file..., or, that Wella are led to believe that their dye has indeed sent you completely, finally, and utterly bonkers and round the bend


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## Ladyinred (2 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			I may have just  sent a strongly worded email to Wella... detailing my predicament. Let us see what happens! 

QUOTE]

I sincerely hope you resisted all references to whelks, sausages, morags, welly dancing and FFs? I really can't imagine you sending a 'strongly worded email', your sense of humour is far too highly developed.

As to the conspiracy theory I think you might need an official taster in case of further attempts.. I volunteer to taste the AD for you, but only if it's butterscotch.
		
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## Ladyinred (2 November 2010)

MrsMozart said:



			Shan't! *wiggles tongue at Starzaan in a most decidedly unlesbiany way*

Anyhoo, it's toooooooo faaaaaaaaat  Couldn't get it down the cellar stairs if three hunky men tried to shoe horn me down there 






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I missed the word 'shoe' in my first reading...


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

Actually my strongly worded notes are spectacular thank you very much. If you're not careful, you'll be getting one soon!!!

Gay Matt sanity checked it for me..... and approved my drug induced ramblings with apropriate amounts of gusto. So BLEURGH to you!


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## MrsMozart (2 November 2010)

Ladyinred said:



			I missed the word 'shoe' in my first reading... 

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Now that's just 'cos y'got a dirty mind!


Three???!!!! I take my hat off to you lass


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## MrsMozart (2 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Actually my strongly worded notes are spectacular thank you very much. If you're not careful, you'll be getting one soon!!!

Gay Matt sanity checked it for me..... and approved my drug induced ramblings with apropriate amounts of gusto. So BLEURGH to you!
		
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Now you're gonna have to post it here . Um. *sensible head jumps in for a moment* that is, when you're back on planet earth long enough to make the necessary adjustments


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

Well I have forty days of sedatives and morphine, so good luck with getting any sense out of me for a while darling!


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## Ladyinred (2 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Well I have forty days of sedatives and morphine, so good luck with getting any sense out of me for a while darling!
		
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If this is the sedated Starzaan then god help us when the real one gets back 

Do you have to be on a drip for all that time? And how are you gonna hold a horsey with a drip stand?? Recipe for disaster. Am sure there are plenty of volunteers to hold your horse for the FF while you are incapacitated.


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## MrsMozart (2 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Well I have forty days of sedatives and morphine, so good luck with getting any sense out of me for a while darling!
		
Click to expand...


Sense? What's that then? Feed it to the whelks I say 

And on that note (B flat), I'm orff to bed to sleep the sleep of the bollopsed-and-too-soon-to-be-woken.

Sweet dreams hunny. I hope you get some decent sleep. Hugs.


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## Starzaan (2 November 2010)

HOPEFULLY the drip will be out within the next day or so... and then I will just be getting injectionies and taking pills for the forty days... and if my heartbeat calms the eff down, then I can come off the sedatives! 

Sedated Starzaan feels a bit like my thoughts are as fast as champagne, but getting them to come out of my gob in a coherent way is rather like trying to run in a swimming pool... 

Thus I sound rather drunk, and am already halfway through the next sentence before I've finished the last six...


I've been feeling terribly sorry for myself, and getting so fed up with lying in bed being ouchy, and you've all cheered me up, so thank you for that my little squishy ones (even if you are all implying that FF will find my poor little bruised self repulsive!)


ETA: life with cannula in arm - not so comfy. Moving arm avec canula - very very sore. Trying to put on a cardigan whilst blind, off one's face on morphine and sedatives, hooked up to heart monitors, drip hooked up to cannula, clippy thing on hand - imeffingpossible, but very very funny for those watching


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## HollyWoozle (2 November 2010)

I too am heading up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire. 

I think FF ought to man up and make a move on you... though I almost don't want the saga to end! I shall dream of smiling whelks swimming in a sea of baileys angel delight, their own little whelky morags keeping them afloat.


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## Dubsie (3 November 2010)

Ladyinred said:



			I missed the word 'shoe' in my first reading... 

Click to expand...

So did I!!


Starzaan here is my plan for you.  (I am assuming your home is not at the yard)

1) Enlist help of a friend - ideally one who has never met farrier before - to buy you a bag of treats/magazines, and to hold 17h horsie for farrier

2) Ensure your bedroom is suitably tidy, and dress in your sexiest nightie, and wait. 

3)Farrier will at some point HAVE to ask friend where you are

4) Friend will tell farrier you have been hospitalised and are too unwell to hold said horse, and instead you are lying in bed, bored and reliant on visitors to bring treats/magazines.  Friend will explain to farrier she is supposed to bring bag of treats/magazines to you this lunchtime BUT her new debit/credit card has to be collected from the bank in nearby town too far away in opposite direction to do both, and as she needs to get car MOT done today/buy new tyres for car/some other urgent purchase that can't be delayed, she asks if there is any chance he will be going that way en route to his next job?

(If your home is at the yard, then she can say Starzaan would love a visitor, there's a bag of goodies in the tack room would he like to take them up to the house for her, as she'd love some company?)

5) Farrier will feel sorry for you and bring treats

Result : you get to see farrier alone, in your bedroom. 

Good plan or not??!!


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## Starzaan (3 November 2010)

Dubsie, will you marry me a little bit please?


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## Dubsie (3 November 2010)

Erm, no thanks.  Don't like whelks.

I take it you like my devious plan then?


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## Millyard Rejects (3 November 2010)

bloody hell dubsie! your very clever..now sod starzaan for a moment,she wont notice as shes pigs in space on morphine
but can you come up with an equally winning formula to snare the local lovely vet for me please? please feel free to use the 3 ponies,5 dogs and 3 cats anywhere in your plan- after all theyve been helping me stalk him for 2 years so an extra few days/weeks/months wont hurt them?
by the way its the lovely vet, not the old vet, the horse vet or the bald vet nor is he the stupidly expensive vet


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## Starzaan (3 November 2010)

Dubsie said:



			Erm, no thanks.  Don't like whelks.

I take it you like my devious plan then?
		
Click to expand...

Not any more.... now I'm all sad and rejected. 


HMPH.


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## Dubsie (3 November 2010)

Millyard I think you need to organise a (small) charity dog show for your yard.  Ask the vet if he can judge - blatantly ring him up and say you think he'd be ideal to judge because he was so good with your dog xxx last time he treated him, and that it'd be very good for their practise as publicity, as you'll be sending press releases and photos to the lcoal papers.  Tell him to bring leaflets and cards.  Don't be fobbed off with one of the other vets, say you really would prefer him to do it as he's such a doggie person (or cat if he isn't!).  Then later on, nearer the day invite him to a drink and dinner for all the helpers afterwards as a thank you - but make sure you give him plenty of notice of this in case he is on call so he can re-arrange. Don't take no for an answer, just say you've organised a drink/meal afterwards for the helpers - and make sure your friends who help dip out after the drink but before the meal.


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## Dubsie (3 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Not any more.... now I'm all sad and rejected. 


HMPH.
		
Click to expand...

Aww don't be sad you don't want to slightly marry me, you want to leave yourself 100% available for FF

Ditch the mechanic!

Am sure Plan will work - can't see any loop holes can you?


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## Starzaan (3 November 2010)

LOOP HOLES:

1) mechanic

2) trouty

3) I happen to be off my trolley on the rainbow train of morphine

4) I look like I've been beating down Irish bare knuckle boxers

5) I'm beginning to think FF is utterly, completely, irrevocably, not interested

apart from that, s'perfect.


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## Dubsie (3 November 2010)

Well ditch the mechanic, and save The Plan for the next visit when you're fully recovered and can look glam in a neglige - friend can hold horses and say you've had a relapse


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## Starzaan (3 November 2010)

I enjoy your plans!


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## Dubsie (3 November 2010)

Or quit whinging about it.  Go and hold horse. Say to FF 'Look I have to say this, but I've been ill and lying in bed thinking about you. Truth is, I fancy you like mad, and I have to know is there any hope for us?  If there is fantastic, if not forget I ever said anything, please just blame it on all the painkillers and drugs I've been on.'


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## Starzaan (3 November 2010)

Not so keen on that plan....


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## Festive_Felicitations (3 November 2010)

I think Dubsie's plans are genius!

Plan A - is brilliant and even if he doesn't actually come up loads of fun could be had in the implementation and it would save your battered self been thrown around by 17.2hh of 3yr old. Just make sure the 'friend' is taken.

Plan B - is probably the one I'd go for get it over and done with etc, how ever I would suggest a pair of black sunnies and as much make-up your poor skin can with stand just to soften the impact/ hide your eyes incase he rejects you (not that he will!!!)

However as Im terminally single and fail quite spectacularly at picking up guys I suggest you totally ignore me!


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## dibbin (3 November 2010)

Dubsie, you are without doubt a great genius.

I bow down before you.

*worships*


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## Echo Bravo (3 November 2010)

Did Starzaan have her hair dyed black, so she could borrow my Katie Price pink dress with the sequinnes, to flaunt herself in front of the FF.


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## Rosiefan (3 November 2010)

I've just been trying to think of something useful to write which includes the phrase 'to dye for' but I can't.
How about Dubsie's plan A but have curtains drawn with dimmed lighting so FF can't see your battle scars. Also pretend to be temporarily hard of hearing (just another symptom) so he has to come very close to you - and the rest is up to you.......


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## Dubsie (3 November 2010)

I think Plan A with suggested embellishments is just the thing to convert Sedated Starzaan to Seduced Starzaan with minimal effort.  I mean if the guy is blatantly not interested he'd turn down the opportunity to pop by with the treats bag and 'say sorry heading off in other direction/extremely late for next appointment/got a lost shoe to fit in, no time' wouldn't he?

At least if Plan A is followed, Starzaan will then know if it has been futile or worth the agonies of dyeing!

(ha!  )


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## Ladyinred (3 November 2010)

Dubsie said:



			worth the agonies of dyeing!(ha!  )
		
Click to expand...

You have been dyeing to say that. I even highlighted it in a nice tint for you..


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## Dubsie (3 November 2010)

Ladyinred said:



			You have been dyeing to say that. I even highlighted it in a nice tint for you..
		
Click to expand...

Thank you, it was whelk worth waiting for the opportunity!


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## Starzaan (3 November 2010)

Oh dear god, I'm ashamed to be of the same species as you lot....

The way I feel this morning, Plan A is looking rather good.... although not sure I could hold a coherent conversation with anyone to set it in motion.

Bugger


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## Dubsie (3 November 2010)

How about printing it out and then phone the good friend and get her to come and see you. She then has explicit written instructions: farr (eas)ier than trying to vocalise. 


(ETA sorry for those groaning by now, cannot resist a pun)


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## Starzaan (3 November 2010)

Oh good grief... you're horrendous! 


Now to think of a likely friend who is a) not completely mad and likely to scare him even more, and b) able to cope with my idiot horses


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## Ladyinred (3 November 2010)

Dubsie said:



			How about printing it out and then phone the good friend and get her to come and see you. She then has explicit written instructions: farr (eas)ier than trying to vocalise. 


(ETA sorry for those groaning by now, cannot resist a pun)
		
Click to expand...

Me neither 

FF will be able to tell if the whelks have sucked out all her sole
 and can tell them to 'shoe' if they get in the way. C'mon Dubsie, we got this one nailed


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## Starzaan (3 November 2010)

I have no words left. 

I'm desperately squeezing the drip bag trying to get more morphine to make the puns go away!


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## editor (3 November 2010)

Dear Starzaan - just read all 12 pages of your thread, hope you don't mind - feel like a voyeur or something - anyway hope you feel better soon, I am stuck flat on my back after my stupid ned spooked and charged off with me taking me out on a load of low branches of a chestnut tree. Got a nice ride in helicoptor however was too spaced out on morphine to appreciate it.  Have broken vertibrae and stuck in a brace for 6 to 12 weeks. Anyway bored as hell hence browsing this forum for other poor souls to communicate with - your posts and everyone elses did make me smile. Am a bit new to this forum thingy - how to you save a thread so you can find it again next time you log on?  
Best Wishes

PS Editor is my horse - I am nothing to to with H&H or anything.


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## Groom42 (3 November 2010)

editor said:



			Dear Starzaan - just read all 12 pages of your thread, hope you don't mind - feel like a voyeur or something - anyway hope you feel better soon, I am stuck flat on my back after my stupid ned spooked and charged off with me taking me out on a load of low branches of a chestnut tree. Got a nice ride in helicoptor however was too spaced out on morphine to appreciate it.  Have broken vertibrae and stuck in a brace for 6 to 12 weeks. Anyway bored as hell hence browsing this forum for other poor souls to communicate with - your posts and everyone elses did make me smile. Am a bit new to this forum thingy - how to you save a thread so you can find it again next time you log on?  
Best Wishes

PS Editor is my horse - I am nothing to to with H&H or anything.
		
Click to expand...

Firstly, welcome to the forum - hope you feel better soon (well, in about 3months )
When you log in next time, if you go to "user cp" there will be a box for viewing subscribed threads, if you've commented, it automatically subscribes you.

Starzaan is a great one to start with - can't fail to raise a smile!


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## editor (3 November 2010)

Thank you!  easy when you know how eh........


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## Ladyinred (3 November 2010)

editor said:



			Thank you!  easy when you know how eh........
		
Click to expand...

Welcome! As long as it doesn't hurt to laugh you need to go back and find other Starzaan threads. She is unique, and very special and much loved, in a totally nonlesbianly way.


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## Starzaan (3 November 2010)

WHY DOES NOBODY LOVE ME IN A MADLESBIANY WAY?!?!?!?!

NOBODY wants a sausage....


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## Angua2 (3 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			WHY DOES NOBODY LOVE ME IN A MADLESBIANY WAY?!?!?!?!

NOBODY wants a sausage....
		
Click to expand...

*shambles in holding the sympathy card & hands some Angel delight over*

of course we love you in a nonmadlesbiany way

as for the sausages, the last ones on offer were whelk based if i recall...


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## Starzaan (3 November 2010)

Not even the smallest bit of madlesbianism?


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## tallyho! (3 November 2010)

hey Starzaan! Saw you post last night but tinterweb crashed just before I hit send. Wanted to say: There you are!!!! Wondered where you'd got to. All mangled. Big hugs and get well sooooon!

lots of love, tallyho! xxxx

(in a non-madlesbiany way)

p.s. sausages are only good if they come from licolnshire based PIGS!


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## Starzaan (3 November 2010)

I'm just going to have to accept the lack of madlesbianyness... how sad.

I think the drugs must be doing very strange things to my brain.... I've developed a peculiar addiction to the cooking channel....


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## Starzaan (3 November 2010)

I have just got an email back from the company that makes the hair dye I reacted to...very fast response and also very nice!! Asking me to phone their advisory team as they are "horrified" to hear about what has happened.... 

marvellous.


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## Echo Bravo (3 November 2010)

YE GODS!!!!! NOT COOKING!!!!!!!!!! if you want receipes for sausages, just let me know I have tonnes of them. (sauages in the freezer you know). The whelks are in revolt and have passed it on to their seafood friends. You are just doing this to get your hands on my two slinky dresses. (cunning plan, wasn't someone on the forum looking for lime green lycra)


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## Ladyinred (3 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			I have just got an email back from the company that makes the hair dye I reacted to...very fast response and also very nice!! Asking me to phone their advisory team as they are "horrified" to hear about what has happened.... 

marvellous.
		
Click to expand...

I imagine 'horrified' was the least of your reactions!

Can I have some of your hallucinogenic drugs please? I have had one of THOSE days involving a large feline intruder at 1:45 am, leccy fences blown akimbo in the winds, a large bovine intruder, a forgotten appointment with my non-FF (ggod job my girls come to call, even off fresh grass) A gang of scaffolders insisting they had to erect a platform round my chimney pot, and after they got all *****ty and angry they had the cheek to ask for tea. A bale of straw so dusty I would have coughed my heart up if I had one any more.. and now the washing machine is on the blink.

GIVE ME THE DRUGS WOMAN. MY NEED IS GREAT!!


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## Starzaan (3 November 2010)

have some druggies... but builders wanting to erect things round your chimney pot should have cheered you up... 

are you all madlesbiany?


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## Ladyinred (3 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			have some druggies... but builders wanting to erect things round your chimney pot should have cheered you up... 

are you all madlesbiany?
		
Click to expand...



If it means I get the drugs I will be as madlesbiany as you like, darling, beautiful Starzaan...


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## Starzaan (3 November 2010)

Good! 

Bring a straw... although I'm sure I can put a cannula in now that I've had a new one shoved in my vein every two seconds for the last week...


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## Echo Bravo (3 November 2010)

Had a serious thought (I do have them now and then). Why not go for the very FIT FARRIERS in the Army. They are clean and tidy, can cook and do their own washing and ironing and if you are really bad at the ironing they will do it for you. Think your riding boots will shining so you can see your face in them or perhaps not your face at the moment, don't want to scare yourself. Great Idea Hey What!! My cousin was in the Army and he's a tidy little B*gger.


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## Rosehip (3 November 2010)

I dont think Ive ever replied to one of your threads Starzaan, but wanted to add my get well wishes and gentle, non-canula-damaging hugs! 
I love reading your posts, and have to admit that even when so obviously poorly, you are still hilarious!!
Since Im a stranger, I wont offer madlesbiany-ness just yet!
Get well soon, and if you have any spare morphine I'll take a shot - Im having a ladyinred sort of day!xx


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## polopony (3 November 2010)

Blooody hell! You've put me off dying my hair for a while.

But get well soon - theres a pack of butterscotch angel delight in the cupboard, want me to post it to you? xxxx


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## Starzaan (3 November 2010)

Yesyesyes a lot of yes!!!!
Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


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## Crazy Friesian (3 November 2010)

She's feeling better then... now't wrong with her appetite... in more ways than 1...


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## Echo Bravo (3 November 2010)

So she's gone again, sleepy byebyes. So what do we do about FF or the Mechanic. (I still like the Army Fit Farriers, battled hardened idea) should suit her down to the ground and her mad Sausage waving Mother wouldn't worry them and no doubt would appreasate her Morages. What do you lot think?? On a winner???


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## Starzaan (3 November 2010)

Sadly my darlink EchoBravo, my lovely ex is in the army... and after waving him off to Afghanistan I have sworn off army men for good... it's too upsetting to watch someone leave like that, now matter how big their arms are!

I am very much out of it... I'm sure I just saw a rat in a coke bottle...


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## Echo Bravo (3 November 2010)

Starzaan how many ex's do you have??? And a rat in the coke bottle, yes that's feasable


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## Starzaan (3 November 2010)

Loads darlin, I'm a right slaggypants


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## Echo Bravo (3 November 2010)

And I bet that's just you boasting again.


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## Starzaan (3 November 2010)

's the drugs....


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## Echo Bravo (3 November 2010)

Well at lest they are giving your brain a rest for a couple of days. Just one thought you could always say, you tried cage fighting. Hence black eyes etc:- Listened to it on Radio 4 very brutal.


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## Starzaan (3 November 2010)

That would look spectacular on my CV...


I'm going to make someone phone me so I can try cage fighting on for size!


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## DH1 (3 November 2010)

Starzaan I am very very very concerned to see that you are thinking of giving up Men !!

This is unthinkable, as much as the forum can be interesting and informative, your multi men folk dramas posts are definitely the highlight. 
Your posts are an oasis amidst the- which bit, which rug and which saddle desert

For our sakes you must reconsider.


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## jodie3 (3 November 2010)

Don't panic, I think its only Army men she's given up, either that or they've put some bromide in her drip with the morphine!!


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## DH1 (3 November 2010)

jodie3 said:



			Don't panic, I think its only Army men she's given up, either that or they've put some bromide in her drip with the morphine!!
		
Click to expand...

PMSL 

Phew ! I shall have a word with myself, about myself, and calm down now.

Blimey it must be super strength bromide to have an effect on Staezaan.


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## Starzaan (3 November 2010)

You cheeky sod! I could go all nunnish if I wanted to...like a very quick thing.

TWO very quick things in fact.


The mechanic is being downright bloody irritating at the moment. I think I made a bad choice. 




















*******s.


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## Ladyinred (3 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			You cheeky sod! I could go all nunnish if I wanted to...like a very quick thing.

TWO very quick things in fact.


The mechanic is being downright bloody irritating at the moment. I think I made a bad choice. 




















*******s.
		
Click to expand...

Plenty more fish in the sea Starzaan. Or whelks in the bucket. Or even sausages in the pan.


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## Starzaan (3 November 2010)

But you see I'm so charming and lovely and delightful that I'm not very good at saying things that I know will hurt people's feelings (SHUT UP to all of you who just rolled your eyes. I'll fish 'em out with a pickle fork).

So now I have a drug shrouded trilemma.


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## somethingorother (3 November 2010)

Gosh, just caught up on this (ok i skipped the last page, sorry) and had been wondering where you and your whelks had been. Never a dull moment with you eh? 

I would be all madlesbiany for you, although perhaps not avec tomato head. Now, are you going for Dubsies plan??? 

Stop talking to mechanic, he's poop. You need to meet some more hunky men. Once you are recovered i think you should go out for celebrations, you are bound to find someone. Or hang around suitably manly places like a builders yard or something (trying to think of things other than farriery and garages, failing!)

Glad you're still around. Morphine is fab stuff, makes the ceiling go all squishy


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## MrsMozart (3 November 2010)

*hides pickle forks* *rolls eyes - twice*

Is more painful to have something with you because they don't want to hurt your feelings.

Roughly translated: ditch the so and so!


*wanders off looking for a warm and snuggly bed to curl up in as is a tired bunny now*


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## pipsqueek (3 November 2010)

well this is more interesting than what my OH is watching on t.v (he is my very own FF btw!!)


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## joeanne (3 November 2010)

Ewwww Starzaan, you poor thing. Totally missed you swelling up like a tomatohead and nearly dying...
Are you sure it was the hair dye and not an allergic reaction to shellfish.....like....say....whelks? That whelks been bloody quiet the last few days!


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## JenHunt (3 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			WHY DOES NOBODY LOVE ME IN A MADLESBIANY WAY?!?!?!?!

NOBODY wants a sausage....
		
Click to expand...

nonono! you've got it all wrong... it's because they want a sausage that they don't love you in a madlesbiany kind of way... 

i think? 

no, that's a lie... i don't think, I am blonde, and deep as a puddle too! 

on the otherhand... my colleague sent me a link or two this afternoon and 4 of us spent the afternoon peeeing ourselves and splurting tea over our keyboards.... http://www.tummyfluff.co.uk/fun/humour/boyname.htm
http://www.tummyfluff.co.uk/fun/humour/girlname.htm


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## Starzaan (3 November 2010)

Oh MrsM you're so WISE like an OWL. 



And sadly I sealed all the whelk shells shut with lemon wax, so it can't have been them.....



I know with absolute certainty that I'm going to make a royal tit out of myself tomorrow.

Joy unbounded.


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## Starzaan (3 November 2010)

jenhunt said:



			nonono! you've got it all wrong... it's because they want a sausage that they don't love you in a madlesbiany kind of way... 

i think? 

no, that's a lie... i don't think, I am blonde, and deep as a puddle too! 

on the otherhand... my colleague sent me a link or two this afternoon and 4 of us spent the afternoon peeeing ourselves and splurting tea over our keyboards.... http://www.tummyfluff.co.uk/fun/humour/boyname.htm
http://www.tummyfluff.co.uk/fun/humour/girlname.htm

Click to expand...



Jen... thank you a squillion times... mine is:

"Robyn - Sexy with an arse to die for."




I feel MUCH better now.


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## JenHunt (3 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Jen... thank you a squillion times... mine is:

"Robyn - Sexy with an arse to die for."




I feel MUCH better now.
		
Click to expand...


mine is either  

"Jen - accident prone, especially around men she fancies."
or....







"Jennifer - Huge breasts, should shave her legs more often. "


unfortunately either way is true  


and OH is "Peter - Likes sheep more than girls, will probably end up married to a relative" PMSL!!  and no i'm not his relative!


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## Millyard Rejects (4 November 2010)

[QU http://www.tummyfluff.co.uk/fun/humour/boyname.htm
http://www.tummyfluff.co.uk/fun/humour/girlname.htm[/QUOTE]

  have now got ginger biscuit crumbs all down my front reading those!

bit worried though if those name meanings are accurate...the lovely vets name is john-according to that he has few friends,no life and tends to kill small animals??
and im also worried bought my name-claire-ususally neurotic gives good head but can have lesbian tendencies


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## Festive_Felicitations (4 November 2010)

Dear Starzaan,

I hope you feel better soon, and please, pretty please with a cherry on top let is know how the FF's visit goes or share your morphine as I'm relying on this thread to help sooth the pain 2 weeks of constant rain and job rejetions.

JenHunt - very funny thanks! Mine isn't all that bad I guess... :-/


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## Thelwell_Girl (4 November 2010)

jenhunt said:



			nonono! you've got it all wrong... it's because they want a sausage that they don't love you in a madlesbiany kind of way... 

i think? 

no, that's a lie... i don't think, I am blonde, and deep as a puddle too! 

on the otherhand... my colleague sent me a link or two this afternoon and 4 of us spent the afternoon peeeing ourselves and splurting tea over our keyboards.... http://www.tummyfluff.co.uk/fun/humour/boyname.htm
http://www.tummyfluff.co.uk/fun/humour/girlname.htm

Click to expand...

MY NAME ISNT THERE!

*cries with despair*


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## HollyWoozle (4 November 2010)

"Holly - very sexy, doesn't take any crap from anyone."

Hah!


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## Echo Bravo (4 November 2010)

Rest the brain for awhile, give your stomach a rest from the sausages and whelks. Give up all thoughts of FF and such like for at least a couple of days. Then well rested write list of  what career brings in the most money and go after a man that's in that career (Brill)


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## Starzaan (4 November 2010)

Royalty....

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


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## Rosehip (4 November 2010)

"Alexandra - Popular but very loud, sometimes forgets to bathe"
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha 
My OH is : Karen.....Id get booted off the forum if I wrote what it says! lol! x


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## MrsMozart (4 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Oh MrsM you're so WISE like an OWL.
		
Click to expand...

Who are you calling a twit? Huh? Huh huh huh huh??


*flies onto branch and nibbles under left wing, before turning head one-eighty degrees over left shoulder to stare at you, just because I can*


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## jodie3 (4 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Royalty....

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
		
Click to expand...

I have just had a marvellous mental picture of your Mother, possibly with a sausage, in conversation with Prince Philip!!!

I'm going for a lie down now........................


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## JenHunt (4 November 2010)

how's the less-tomatoey-head doing today Starzaan? or can you not hear me for the lemon wax and whelk juice in your ears, and the pretty unicorns cantering around your room?


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## Starzaan (4 November 2010)

Prince Phillip would have taken a sausage!!!!


Well I did it, I've done almost a whole day out of bed wafting about like a druggy idiot with FF... and he was completely wonderful as always.

Nothing remotely interesting happened other than him being delightful and lovely, and my friend's meathead dog trying to eat the smoke as he was burning shoes on... 

No declarations of undying love, no welly dancing, no face licking, no morags wafting, no collapsing (although I now feel like I've been hit by a train and have had a severe telling off courtesty of the consultant!!) 

Mechanic still hasn't bothered to come and see me... so I think a little bit of dumping is in order! Oh dear... 


I'm off to watch the morphine squishing into my veins... yumyum yum


and TG - thank you so much!  I just got your card, and it made me all sobby again! xxxxx


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## Echo Bravo (4 November 2010)

This is what I like about this girl, she really is a high class sort, was going to say good taste as the royal stuff, if Katie Middleton can do it, so can Starzaan. Then goes and let herself down with the FF and Mechanic. How about Vets? Horsewise that is. Getting rid of Katie Price pink dress and the slinky black one with chicken feathers top and bottom, as they don't seem to bring you much luck, so will be scouring the Charity Shops BIG TIME next few weeks.


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## MrsMozart (4 November 2010)

Glad you managed to get up our brave and wonderful Starzaan 


Now. In the words of the Consultant - "Get your arse back to bed!!!!"


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## Echo Bravo (4 November 2010)

Yes! as MrsMozart says get your rear end back in bed.


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## Echo Bravo (4 November 2010)

Actually I'm jealous, as I'd love to get my rear end in bed, but have a meal to cook and a pile of ironing sitting there just looking at me, the more I look at it, the more it seems to grow, feeling faint


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## Starzaan (4 November 2010)

My rear end is very much back in bed.... sadly about ten minutes after the FF left my legs finally gave way and I ended up being pushed around the yard in the big wheelbarrow by my lovely friend Ed while I bossed him around and demanded to be taken into the field to cuddle my horsies... he only nearly tipped me out a few times 

I ended up having to be carried back into the house - not easy when you're as muddy and giggling as much as I was (and I may have been trying to make life difficult for Tedward following the near death experience in the wheelbarrow...) 

I am now shaking like a bitch, and my legs are all jellyfied... SUCH a good look.  Thinking that was just about my most stupid idea. So I am all tucked up in bed AGAIN watching Death Race, and darling Ed has been allowed to go back to live his own life for a few hours before taking me to be pushed around in the wheelbarrow again in the morning.... 

Bless him! MUCH MORE ATTENTIVE than the bloody mechanic. 

PAH.


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## MrsMozart (4 November 2010)

Sleep now.

Sweet dreams.


----------



## Starzaan (4 November 2010)

Are you trying to make me ssshh!!?

How rude. I shan't be ssh....I shall kick up a fuss. 


KICKKICKKICK


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## dibbin (4 November 2010)

*fetches restraints*

Quick, MrsM, the sedative!


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## Dubsie (4 November 2010)

jenhunt said:



			......on the otherhand... my colleague sent me a link or two this afternoon and 4 of us spent the afternoon peeeing ourselves and splurting tea over our keyboards.... http://www.tummyfluff.co.uk/fun/humour/boyname.htm
http://www.tummyfluff.co.uk/fun/humour/girlname.htm

Click to expand...

TG you are not alone.  Doesn't have my name, OH's name or daughter's name.  How boring. 
Alternatively it's nice to be members of a more exclusive club

Starzaan I am glad you have had a nice day with FF, now take it easy.


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## Starzaan (4 November 2010)

You're all mean. 

I'm SO awake. 

All kinds of awake.

Just me leggies are a bit wobblesome...


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## MrsMozart (4 November 2010)

dibbin said:



			*fetches restraints*

Quick, MrsM, the sedative!
		
Click to expand...



Sorry! I was a bit side-tracked by something very side-tracking.


*rushes in with large dollop of sedative type stuff, smothered in chocolate and cream (the sedative stuff, not me...)*


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## MrsMozart (4 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			You're all mean. 

I'm SO awake. 

All kinds of awake.

Just me leggies are a bit wobblesome...
		
Click to expand...


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## Starzaan (4 November 2010)

I hope you're not implying that I'm a dog. 

I'll come at YOU like a violent quiche mate!!!


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## Crazy Friesian (4 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			I hope you're not implying that I'm a dog. 

I'll come at YOU like a violent quiche mate!!!
		
Click to expand...

Could be messy...  Mind you she's not going very far, very fast so could be fun for a while.   

Just make sure we are very far away when legs lose their wobbleyness


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## Starzaan (4 November 2010)

Ah, but I have a man and a big green wheelbarrow! mwahahahahaahahahaaaaaaaaaaa


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## MrsMozart (4 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			I hope you're not implying that I'm a dog. 

I'll come at YOU like a violent quiche mate!!!
		
Click to expand...



Can't catch me!   
	
	
		
		
	


	






And I was referring to the wobblinesses of your wobbly legs


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## Crazy Friesian (4 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Ah, but I have a man and a big green wheelbarrow! mwahahahahaahahahaaaaaaaaaaa
		
Click to expand...

Can he be bribed?..  Failing that I'd better start trying to catch my naglet... 

Can i hitch a lift Mrs M?


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## MrsMozart (4 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Ah, but I have a man and a big green wheelbarrow! mwahahahahaahahahaaaaaaaaaaa
		
Click to expand...









Couldn't find a green one...

Nor could I find a big man, will this do?


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## MrsMozart (4 November 2010)

Crazyfriesian said:



			Can he be bribed?..  Failing that I'd better start trying to catch my naglet... 

Can i hitch a lift Mrs M? 

Click to expand...


Come on lass, hop on board!


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## Starzaan (4 November 2010)

No running away! Be nice! I'm sick! 

Ed might die a little bit if he sees himself depicted thus... he is in fact a bit of a sexy hunkeroo.... big arms and all! 

But has a girlfriend with a little koala face....




FF put on my favourite song this morning.... it's MEANT TO BE. I need some rohypnol...


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## dibbin (4 November 2010)

What song was it?

And from a toxicological point of view, you'd be better with GHB, clears the system faster ... not that I'm creepy or anything ... I did forensics as part of my degree. See, I has a useful!


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## Starzaan (4 November 2010)

You're very very useful! GHB it is then... can I slip it in a cup of tea??? He won't eat... so tea it must be....

And it was "The End" by Kings of Leon... I have a LOT of favourite songs, but that is the ultimate, absolute, all time favourite.

I LOVE IT. 


and he put it on




I nearly did a death. 


instead I did a squeak


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## Crazy Friesian (4 November 2010)

You should have fainted so he could "revive" you. Girl... yous slipping!!!!


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## MrsMozart (4 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			No running away! Be nice! I'm sick! 

Ed might die a little bit if he sees himself depicted thus... he is in fact a bit of a sexy hunkeroo.... big arms and all! 

But has a girlfriend with a little koala face....




FF put on my favourite song this morning.... it's MEANT TO BE. I need some rohypnol...
		
Click to expand...








Sorry, I meant this one  
	
	
		
		
	


	





Which should lead to  
	
	
		
		
	


	





Naturally closely followed by  
	
	
		
		
	


	






And is this any better?


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## Honey08 (4 November 2010)

Mrs M, I don't know if to laugh at you tonight, or be worried!!  With all these little dancing friends and buses you keep dragging out!  (I'm quite impressed really, but also a bit worried about the amount of morphine they've given you over the last few weeks for your back... could it have caused this merriment!)

Ps. Where did you get the cartoon picture of me eating biscuits from?


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## Starzaan (4 November 2010)

Much better! He approves... he's also made me angel delight, so is the best nurse I've had so far!

I did almost do some casual face licking (actually almost very nearly inches away).... but then was rude to him instead...


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## dibbin (4 November 2010)

Angel Delight ... eurgh ... I mean, it must be love


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## MrsMozart (4 November 2010)

Honey08 said:



			Mrs M, I don't know if to laugh at you tonight, or be worried!!  With all these little dancing friends and buses you keep dragging out!  (I'm quite impressed really, but also a bit worried about the amount of morphine they've given you over the last few weeks for your back... could it have caused this merriment!)
		
Click to expand...

Laugh hunny, it makes the time pass so much quicker  


On the grounds that I am old, and need all the help I can get, I'm away to m'pit   

Sweet dreams 'n' snore gently y'all


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## Starzaan (4 November 2010)

I'm all angel delighty and awake now... an yes, it is a good thing having childhood friends wrapped around your little finger...

My bloody limbs are shaking like gerbils on a pneumatic drill...but my mind is going "WAAH WAAH WAAH WAAAH WAAAH!!!" like an awake thing..


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## Ladyinred (4 November 2010)

As if a drug induced high isn't enough, she is now on a sugar rush as well....

Starzaan you are officially nuts and we love you.


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## Starzaan (4 November 2010)

The doctor gave me MORE DRUGGIES after my telling off, and now I feel a bit silly. I just fell out of bed for no reason at all, and then fell over my own arm trying to get up. 

I would like a carer please. 


Or a padded cell.



PADDED WITH ANGEL DELIGHT.


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## dibbin (4 November 2010)

Or padded with FFs ...


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## Starzaan (4 November 2010)

Just one FF....

this sounds like my kind of cell...





phwoar.


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## dibbin (4 November 2010)

And you could go ... *bounce*

*bounce*

*bounce*

*bounce*


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## Starzaan (4 November 2010)

We all know that in reality I'd go 
*guffaw*


*embarrassing moment*

*snort*

*offer sausage*

*guffaw*

*run away and hide in shame*


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## Ladyinred (4 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			We all know that in reality I'd go 
*guffaw*


*embarrassing moment*

*snort*

*offer sausage*

*guffaw*

*run away and hide in shame*
		
Click to expand...

Its always the snort that does for me.. that's when I run and hide. And the harder you try not to snort the louder it is, have you noticed?


----------



## dibbin (4 November 2010)

Can your consultant not give you some kind of anti-idiot drugs?


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## Starzaan (4 November 2010)

I think I'm a bit far gone for that... and he's just as idiot disease riddled as me, he let me make him watch the Rachel Zoe Project, and he has glasses the size of a house.



These drugs are ridic. I just missed my face with a bottle of water THREE TIMES and then laughed so hard about it that I poured the water all over the world. 






I'm having a problem!


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## Ladyinred (4 November 2010)

dibbin said:



			Can your consultant not give you some kind of anti-idiot drugs?
		
Click to expand...


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## Festive_Felicitations (5 November 2010)

Oh thank you all! I love reading this post when I get up in the morning your 'night time' shenanigins are brilliant!

Starzaan I hope you feel less wobbly when you wake up! Would a post card from Aus help ease the pain?


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## dibbin (5 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			I think I'm a bit far gone for that... and he's just as idiot disease riddled as me, he let me make him watch the Rachel Zoe Project, and he has glasses the size of a house.!
		
Click to expand...

Not that I'm getting ahead of you or anything, but if you and FF ever have children they will have NO CHANCE in life as both parents clearly have the idiot gene


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## Ladyinred (5 November 2010)

dibbin said:



			Not that I'm getting ahead of you or anything, but if you and FF ever have children they will have NO CHANCE in life as both parents clearly have the idiot gene 

Click to expand...

Ouch!! Harsh


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## dibbin (5 November 2010)

I've a feeling that my beloved (in the most madlesbianistic way EVER) Starzaan may call me names now ...


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## Echo Bravo (5 November 2010)

You mean she's Genetic.


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## Festive_Felicitations (5 November 2010)

There are more things in heaven and earth, Echo Bravo
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy...

I suspect she maybe the product of experiments conducted by the US during the cold war into bio-weapons.  Named Operation Starzaan it was a side branch to the Star Wars project.

What communist troops could withstand her morang wafting, sausage waving, whelly dance?  The weapon was never put into mass production becasue a slight genetic flaw which means that Starzaans could be defeated by a bottle of 'Clairol's Rinse & Dry - with extra highlights'.


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## MrsMozart (5 November 2010)

Felicity_09 said:



			There are more things in heaven and earth, Echo Bravo
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy...

I suspect she maybe the product of experiments conducted by the US during the cold war into bio-weapons.  Named Operation Starzaan it was a side branch to the Star Wars project.

What communist troops could withstand her morang wafting, sausage waving, whelly dance?  The weapon was never put into mass production becasue a slight genetic flaw which means that Starzaans could be defeated by a bottle of 'Clairol's Rinse & Dry - with extra highlights'.
		
Click to expand...

It's far too early to be snorting with laughter, especially as I am in a bad mood, so kindly stop the funny stuff


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## Starzaan (5 November 2010)

My nemesis is Wella actually, get your facts straight missy!! 

And a postcard from Aus would make my year, I want drawings and a song and everything please, I promise not to call you a raging tit if I get a postcard...


And how RUDE, the fellow idiot I was referring to was of course my consultant, not the FF, he doesn't have glasses the size of a house... he has a HEART the size of a house (if you know what I mean ehe eh ehehehehe) 

Druggies stronger today.... led to a falling out of the wheelbarrow incident and landing in the mud... which resulted in me flailing about like a flailing thing and whacking Ed in the eye... which illicited much giggling on my part and a spectacular flounce on Ed's part....followed by his attempt to scoop me back into the wheelbarrow without touching the muddy bits.... this failed. A lot. 

Now please shutup and shshhh because I'm very druggy and important and I'm watching masterchef AGAIN...and have wobbly jelly limbs...AGAIN. 


I want turnip foam. 

Someone make me turnip foam


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## MrsMozart (5 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			I want turnip foam. 

Someone make me turnip foam
		
Click to expand...


Tunip foam coming right up....!


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## Starzaan (5 November 2010)

Can I have pan fried duck breast with saucey thingies too please? I'm all HUNGRY.


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## Queenbee (5 November 2010)

just when you thought it couldn't get any better than a 'Starzaan post' we have 'Starzaan on Drrrrrrugs post'  excellent 

As a totally sane (non drugged) individual with a psychology degree I can officially say:


Starzaan, you are BONKERS in the best way ever.  

Everyone should have a Starzaan to make them smile, chuckle, giggle, splutter coffee and tea, cry with laughter at.  You make very booring days, anything but boring 

Mrs M:  you are not much better either, you too have been put on the earth to make people chuckle.

If the two of you keep this up I won't be able to read this in work time anymore, I will be caught, tarred and feathered, dragged around the town and then stoned to death for being naughty and all no worky like by my bosses.


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## joeanne (5 November 2010)

The trouble is....if every home had a Starzaan, nothing would ever get done. We would all be far too busy laughing!


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## Starzaan (5 November 2010)

How rude. I would be an asset to any home... I have ocd, I'll put all your crap in straight lines and make sure the taps are turned off. 

And I am OCCASIONALLY capable of being a normal, sane, serious human being...





actually...
























no I'm not.


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## joeanne (5 November 2010)

You have OCD???
Oh you can come and stay at mine then. I dont have dripping taps, but if you could fix the drip on youngest son's nose, I'll front you that turnip foam!


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## Starzaan (5 November 2010)

Stick some stud hole stoppers up his nonce...that'll work!


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## joeanne (5 November 2010)

PMSL!!!!!


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## Queenbee (5 November 2010)

do you make sure all the towels on the towel rack are all level and everything in the cupboards is facung front and nice and straight?

I'm thinking 'sleeping with the enemy'...


You are a freak of nature, and when you die they will pickle you in a jar and study you but my home is untidy so you can come and live with me I will make you turnip foam flavoured angel delight


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## Angua2 (5 November 2010)

queenbee said:



			just when you thought it couldn't get any better than a 'Starzaan post' we have 'Starzaan on Drrrrrrugs post'  excellent 

As a totally sane (non drugged) individual with a psychology degree I can officially say:


Starzaan, you are BONKERS in the best way ever.  

Everyone should have a Starzaan to make them smile, chuckle, giggle, splutter coffee and tea, cry with laughter at.  You make very booring days, anything but boring 

Mrs M:  you are not much better either, you too have been put on the earth to make people chuckle.

If the two of you keep this up I won't be able to read this in work time anymore, I will be caught, tarred and feathered, dragged around the town and then stoned to death for being naughty and all no worky like by my bosses.
		
Click to expand...

I don't think you need to be worried about tarred and feathered..... you need to watch Mrs M and perhaps the wibbly one..... upset them and Mrs M may well strap you into her back brace and set Starzaans mother on you armed with the sausages


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## D66 (5 November 2010)

hi Starzaan, 
Glad to hear you're on the mend.  please would you have an afternoon nap as I have some housework to do. 

ps my computer has run out of capital letters.
pps where does mrs m get all her smilies from?  i think she must run a smilie farm. that's why she is so cheerful.


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## Montyforever (5 November 2010)

Oh starzaan i cant believe nobody is all madlesbiany for you!
Who wouldnt want a crazy, drugged up, morag wafting lovely person like you?


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## Starzaan (5 November 2010)

The FF for one!! 

I shan't have an afternoon nap, I shall try very very hard to stay awake and little bit with it so that I can irritate you.

Screw housework, come and watch tv that makes you ashamed to be a human with me! I have angel delight, sausages, and a Great Dane puppy who is determined to be as annoying as possible.... he found a tin of white paint....



my house is now white.


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## D66 (5 November 2010)

please try harder to be irritating, it's not working yet.  daytime telly is only bearable if you are ill, or if you only have an aubergine, a pot of creme fraiche and fresh basil in the kitchen and need a suitable recipe to create a sumptuous supper for six. sick of housework doesn't count. and i've bought some ready made pizza for tea. 
must clean out the lobby, have had a chicken living in it for three weeks and it is like the inside of a pillow in there.


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## D66 (5 November 2010)

how about swapping the great dane pup for the chicken? my house needs decorating.  does pup bring his own white paint or would i have to supply my own.  lobby lou lays big brown eggs.


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## Starzaan (5 November 2010)

I am officially cutting you out of my little book of people for having an aubergine in your house.

They are the food of satan, and you are a vile cretin and wee stain of a human if you eat them. I'm ashamed of you!


Go and think about what you've done while swallowing feathers, and I shall continue to learn how to spatchcock a chicken using a VERY LARGE CHICKEN CUTTING KNIFE.
mwahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I broke the knob on the heating.... now I'm drugged up to the eyeballs and so hot that I think the morphine is boiling inside my veins. I've got the angel delight sweats. 

Nice.


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## Queenbee (5 November 2010)

have some presents for you:

http://shuvecchadhaka.com/images/grapes.jpg

http://www.hashemian.com/blog/images/grapes.jpg

Shame this didn't happen to you a few days earlier, you could have gone out last weekend and scared all the children with no need to dress up 


If you are really bored then do a google search for fairy godmother tycoon on iwin games, its addictive, you get to research potions and sell lots of magicky things, there are magic carpet mats to steal customers away from others, persuasion trolls to hire to scare off competitors customers, and you sell potions to cure your customers of nakedness, being on fire, and having a swollen head.  Its absolutley bonkers and just the type of thing for you to be playing in your drugged up state!  Far more fun than daytime tv


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## D66 (5 November 2010)

i haven't got an aubergine - ive got pizza.
boiling morphine sounds more interesting, possibly not in your eyeballs.
try opening the window (do padded cells have windows?) but don't lean out.


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## Starzaan (5 November 2010)

I'm a grapist... only black grapes are real grapes. White grapes are black grapes with no balls.

Fact.


And my giant head is all gone now - I'm just bruised and high! I was at my worst on Sunday last week, so just in time to make small children cry... the "you won't need to dress up for Halloween" gag got a bit old after the squillionth person....


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## Queenbee (5 November 2010)

but I have been tres thoughtful, I knew you would b!tch if I got you one type of grapes so I go you both so you could choose, cos I is nice like that 

And I have provided you with a fabulous way to pass your time, by saving the fairy godmother from bankrupcy and running a fabulous chain of magic emporiums.  You can even learn how to make a Luuurrve potion and give it to FF then you won't be charged with date rape 

Seriously though, when are you just going to grab him and snog his face off?  (eurgh I hate that word!!)  If he slaps you or pushes you back into a pile of muck and runs off with your mother to be hand fed sausages all his life and used as a slave for carnal pleasures, at least then your misery will end and you can get yourself a nice non distracting ugly farrier.

If you do not take action soon, someone else will, seriously there have been nights when I have read these posts and considered whether someone should contact all the farriers where in the Cotswolds and tell them there is a mad woman out there matching your description who is psychotic and in love with one of them.  We all want you to at least make one majorly embarrassing go for him.  I will even let you abuse whelks afterwards

http://www.beloblog.com/ProJo_Blogs/studentsabroad/bucket-400.jpg


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## Starzaan (5 November 2010)

I have not jumped him because a) I'm a wimp with no balls and b) he has a Miss FF. Which makes me very sad. 

I ALMOST snogged his face off yesterday (I put it down to the drugs)... he did the hanging-around-for-half-an-hour-nattering thing that he's so good at before he left... I will never approve of his ri god damn diculous jeans - he pays money for jeans that already have holes in them. This makes me cross, especially when the holes are in ridiculous places like mid thigh, where, really, nobody is going to wear out their jeans! So he was showing me the strange maternity zip on his latest pair of crap jeans, which required a certain amount of leaning into the van... I have never been so tempted to whack out some casual face licking... 

Sadly I just snorted and was rude about his jeans a bit more. 









ALSO: he is perfectly aware that there is a mad woman ranting about him on here... and even more aware that said mad woman is me. So I'm going to put my head back in the whelk bucket and hope that he straps on a pair when he's on holiday, and comes back all single and ready to sweep me off my bed of pain. 


We can all dream........


----------



## Pipkin (5 November 2010)

Damn woman...please just pin him down and lick his face!!! lick him all over...you can blame the drugs 

How does he knows about your ranting on here.?...seeing as he stuck around for a chat after knowing all this surely means he wants to also participate in face licking fun????


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## Starzaan (5 November 2010)

He has mentioned the ramblings of this particular mad woman to several clients...

and may have been interrogated to within an inch of his life several times, by people like my mother....




and it's also blindingly obvious that I adore him.




Even dead moles know this. 














I am currently thinking that he does not want to partake in any casual face licking, and that he is playing "be nice to the nutjob". 


Ho hum pigs bums.


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## Echo Bravo (5 November 2010)

The whelks wont stand for anymore abuse, they've joined the crustacean trade union and are balloting on a striking


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## Starzaan (5 November 2010)

Well I'll just weep into an EMPTY bucket then.

Meanie.


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## Rosehip (5 November 2010)

I have a thought Starzaan....if he knows about you and your morag wafting welly dancing ramblings, and has spoken to people about it - including sausage-weilding-mother - they maybe...just maybe... he isnt hanging around playing be nice to the nutjob, and is instead trying to work out a way of partaking in random facelicking and morag wafting??
Of course you could always make do with my slightly random ramblings and madlesbiany angel delight making? 




Oh...any more of that nice morphine going? I think Ive cracked a rib! xx


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## Festive_Felicitations (5 November 2010)

Postcard with the nessecary drawing, song and dance standing-by to be posted however as wonderful as Royal Mail is I dont think something addressed to:

Starzaan
c/o Morphine Asylum
Cotswolds,
England

Is going to make it ....

On the topic of drugs, my Grandmother (GM) was a district nurse, there was this one patient (OL=old lady) who was right at the end of her district so she shared the duty of visiting her with another nurse.  Anyway the Dr put the OL who'd been a bit down on some new medication to be taken once a day.  After a week she cheered up considerably and was very happy and chatty when ever my GM visited. One day when GM was leaving she asked:
OL: How long will the fish stay?
GM: <glancing careful round the room> What fish dear?
OL: Oh the ones swimming round the walls, they are very pretty but a bit disconcerting.
GM: Oh don't worry they will go in a coupple of days, the weather you know...

It turned out both my grandmother and the other nurse had been giving the old lady her medication and the poor woman had been high for the last fortnight and been kept company by fish and little birds....


----------



## Starzaan (5 November 2010)

Rosehip said:



			I have a thought Starzaan....if he knows about you and your morag wafting welly dancing ramblings, and has spoken to people about it - including sausage-weilding-mother - they maybe...just maybe... he isnt hanging around playing be nice to the nutjob, and is instead trying to work out a way of partaking in random facelicking and morag wafting??
Of course you could always make do with my slightly random ramblings and madlesbiany angel delight making? 




Oh...any more of that nice morphine going? I think Ive cracked a rib! xx 

Click to expand...

I like this thought. This is a GOOD thought.  

Gold star for your thought. Now please tell him that that is his thought, and all thoughts henceforth shall be gooduns!

'Course you can have some morphine - they've trusted me to inject myself now, so I'm all over it.... you can have angel delight to take away the pain as well. If you've cracked a rib, you must stop breathing, looking with your eyes, hearing things, coughing, moving, basically, just stop existing for a bit 'cause it would seem you use your ribs for EVERYTHING. I think the most painful injury from my accident with Cadbury was the ribs.... 

Alternatively I could come and kick your arse to take your mind off the rib pain? I'm a ninja you know.


A tomatoheaded, drug filled ninja...



ETA - my body went a bit mental in hospital last week and couldn't cope with ANYTHING, not even the stick things on the heart monitors, so I ended up having an allergic reaction to those, quickly followed by an allergic reaction to one of the drugs they were giving me, so they gave me the hard stuff instead, and I was most definitely hallucinating for a few days....
No more visions, just a feeling of general wellbeing, wobbliness, fallen in the giggle pond, and the shakes like a mad thing...


----------



## Echo Bravo (5 November 2010)

You could be right Rosehip, if he's hanging about and from what Starzaan says nearly hanging out, perhaps he a little interested or maybe thinks Starzaan might have a faint idea who the mad woman could be


----------



## Starzaan (5 November 2010)

I bloody well hope so... but I am doubting the size of his brass ones.

He needs to sort himself out.



I'm clearly the normal one here.


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## Echo Bravo (5 November 2010)

Starzaan, you may have blabed under the influence to the nurses and docs about FF, whelk buckets etc:- Thats why they are still give you loads of them. Hummm maybe thats not a bad idea.


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## Starzaan (5 November 2010)

My darling, they know all about him! I was a very very drugged Starzaan this time last weekend, and having a freak out about missing him yesterday due to tomatoheaditis....so they have had the low down, and when I went in at stupid o clock this morning with a flippy abouty heart, all they wanted to know what if I'd managed to jump on him yet. 

If ever you almost die - go to Cheltenham General, they've been absolutely bloody marvellous.


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## Rosehip (5 November 2010)

I like having good idea's and getting gold stars! I shall forthwith find FF and let him in on the plan! 





Cheers awfully for the morphine, I think I may have been a teensy bit melodramatic with the crackedness of my rib 




, as breathing isnt that painful, and moving is still manageable, so maybe I've just pulled it...or riding the whale - sorry, pony - has something to do with it!


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## Queenbee (5 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			If ever you almost die - go to Cheltenham General, they've been absolutely bloody marvellous.
		
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my mummy used to work there


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## Ladyinred (5 November 2010)

Starzaan, hunny, how do you know that FF isn't on this thread, in a cunningly contrived disguise? Any one of us might be him, seeing as he knows all about it....


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## Echo Bravo (5 November 2010)

Cheltenham General.Isn't that where all the Fit Jump Jockeys go when they've taken a tumble Now there's a thought Starzaan a FJJ


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## Starzaan (5 November 2010)

I'm 5'8... no FJJs for me! 

And if he is, I'll whack him in the eyes with a hot poker... he needs to man up and get rid of trouty so that I can be all tomatoheaded with him.


These drugs are ridic and my insides are all fizzy like champagne... and I just fell out of bed. AGAIN.

For no reason.
















AGAIN.


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## Echo Bravo (5 November 2010)

Hummmmmm!! Perhaps you shouldn't lean too far out of the bed, or lie to close to the edge????


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## Starzaan (5 November 2010)

WELL



Wella have just phoned me and said they would like to offer me free patch testing to determine what I'm allergic to. I said "no thank you, I never ever want anything like that on my skin again." and she replied "well it would be good for you to know which hair colour you can use in the future".

Half an hour later she STILL didn't seem to understand that as a result of having my hair dyed using their products, I am so frightened to put ANYTHING on my hair that I had a full on panic attack in hospital when the doctor asked if we could wash the blood out of my hair. Three washes later I am still petrified to have anythin on my skin, and certainly DO NOT want to have hair dye rubbed all over my arms, free or not! 

I didn't even get an apology. 



I think they might be getting a call from a friendly solicitor.


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## dibbin (5 November 2010)

If I did English Law I'd help  but I'm all the way up here in Scottishland.


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## Starzaan (5 November 2010)

Well then you're useless.... I'll wallop you.


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## dibbin (5 November 2010)

Pah. In your drug-induced stupor you'd probably miss. And what are you walloping me for when I offered to be all madlesbianistic for you?

Hurt. Very hurt.


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## Echo Bravo (5 November 2010)

Dibbin dont take it personnal, she's like this with everyone, even when she's nearly normal and Starzaan, I think you have Fit Flat jockeys mixed up with Fit Jump Jockeys as the FJJ's are a good 2-3 inches taller than the FFJ's.


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## MrsMozart (5 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			WELL



Wella have just phoned me and said they would like to offer me free patch testing to determine what I'm allergic to. I said "no thank you, I never ever want anything like that on my skin again." and she replied "well it would be good for you to know which hair colour you can use in the future".

Half an hour later she STILL didn't seem to understand that as a result of having my hair dyed using their products, I am so frightened to put ANYTHING on my hair that I had a full on panic attack in hospital when the doctor asked if we could wash the blood out of my hair. Three washes later I am still petrified to have anythin on my skin, and certainly DO NOT want to have hair dye rubbed all over my arms, free or not! 

I didn't even get an apology. 



I think they might be getting a call from a friendly solicitor.
		
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Definitely a solicitor hun, but make the call and then don't mention the company on here again, just in case it has to go further.


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## Pipkin (5 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			WELL



Wella have just phoned me and said they would like to offer me free patch testing to determine what I'm allergic to. I said "no thank you, I never ever want anything like that on my skin again." and she replied "well it would be good for you to know which hair colour you can use in the future".

Half an hour later she STILL didn't seem to understand that as a result of having my hair dyed using their products, I am so frightened to put ANYTHING on my hair that I had a full on panic attack in hospital when the doctor asked if we could wash the blood out of my hair. Three washes later I am still petrified to have anythin on my skin, and certainly DO NOT want to have hair dye rubbed all over my arms, free or not! 

I didn't even get an apology. 



I think they might be getting a call from a friendly solicitor.
		
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Pfffttt cheek!!! Theyre more than likely worried that you will take it further!!!!
Are they so stupid to want to do a patch test even though you have already had one reaction?
I`ll offer you for free my beating services if you want...???

On a serious note....hope your ok...hugs *runs away before i get walloped*


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## Starzaan (5 November 2010)

Ok...no more wallopings, I'm too wobbly - I'll end up flailing about and punching myself in the head. 

Thank you my little squishies! And Dibbin, I'm still all madlesbiany for you, so please move to England. 

Sharpish.


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## Echo Bravo (5 November 2010)

AYLA84 I think she'd miss you as I think her balance is slightly off at the mo.. And MrsMozart is a wise young owl


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## Rosehip (5 November 2010)

Oh defiantely sue...and sue hard! 
When I worked for a 'no win no fee' solicitors we very successfully sued the bum off a shampoo company....unfortunately then the client asked for the remainder of the shampoo in the bottle to be returned as she 'didnt want to waste it', which kind of make us wince a bit! Perhaps she was all drugged-up-madlesbiany too?? 
Unfortunately I cant help as was only a legal secretary *ducks to miss flailing arms and bed fallage* but I'd say you have a really strong case - good luck!! 
Oh, and as MrsM said, no more mentioning the company, cus the legal peeps dont like that 

On a totally different note, how the HELL do you keep falling out of bed???????????


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## Echo Bravo (5 November 2010)

Told you Rosehip, she's too near the edge or the bed isn't as big as she thinks??


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## Thelwell_Girl (5 November 2010)

Well, no-one is madlesbiany for ME!!

Or madstraight-y either!

*flail*


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## Rosehip (5 November 2010)

Are the drugs affecting her spacial awareness??  I need some of those! xx


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## Echo Bravo (5 November 2010)

Thewell Girl, Shock treatment, Cold towel to the head,deep breathes and after 5 mins you should come back to normal


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## Rosehip (5 November 2010)

thelwell_girl said:



			Well, no-one is madlesbiany for ME!!

Or madstraight-y either!

*flail*
		
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I could probably stretch the madlesbiany-ness to include you hun  Im in a giving mood today


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## Thelwell_Girl (5 November 2010)

Echo Bravo said:



			Thewell Girl, Shock treatment, Cold towel to the head,deep breathes and after 5 mins you should come back to normal

Click to expand...

Nooooo I don want to come back to normal!!

The guy I posted about is DIVINE... With the most amazing smile!

Anyways  I am making cakes for my history class on monday, so maybe History Boy (as he shall now be rederred to) will realise how darn sexeh I be 



Rosehip said:



			I could probably stretch the madlesbiany-ness to include you hun  Im in a giving mood today  
	
	
		
		
	


	




Click to expand...

Awww


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## Montyforever (5 November 2010)

TG show him the happy dance! It cant fail


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## Echo Bravo (5 November 2010)

Happy dance or Wellie dance. OHH!! take your pick


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## Echo Bravo (5 November 2010)

EEERRRR!!! HUM!!! What sort of cakes For History class??? And would any of them do for Starzaan


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## Thelwell_Girl (5 November 2010)

montyforever said:



			TG show him the happy dance! It cant fail 

Click to expand...




Echo Bravo said:



			Happy dance or Wellie dance. OHH!! take your pick

Click to expand...

Well... the happy dance does involve a slight bit of morag wafting...  Montyforever saw the clean version!!!


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## Echo Bravo (5 November 2010)

Thewell girl try the Wellie Dance that might PERK him up


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## Montyforever (5 November 2010)

thelwell_girl said:



			Well... the happy dance does involve a slight bit of morag wafting...  Montyforever saw the clean version!!!
		
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That was the clean version?!


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## Thelwell_Girl (5 November 2010)

Echo Bravo said:



			Thewell girl try the Wellie Dance that might PERK him up

Click to expand...

WHAT do you mean EB 



montyforever said:



			That was the clean version?! 






Click to expand...


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## JenHunt (5 November 2010)

Rosehip said:



			Are the drugs affecting her spacial awareness??  I need some of those! xx
		
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did anyone else read that as special awareness? or was it just me?



thelwell_girl said:



			Well, no-one is madlesbiany for ME!!

Or madstraight-y either!

*flail*
		
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don't fret about it TG.... the right one will come along and sweep you off your feet soon enough!


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## dibbin (5 November 2010)

I read it as special awareness. I am deeply aware of specialness in all its forms.

Starzaan, I am glad to hear you are still madlesbiany for me  I'll have to tell my OH I'm leaving him to be a madlesbian with you and sue the hair dye company. You better not leave me for FF!


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## Echo Bravo (5 November 2010)

Dibben I think she's dozed off again. And have you told your OH what you have in mind, as you may have burnt your boats as you know what Starzaan is like blows hot and cold. she says undying love for FF, but takes up with the Mechanic. I come to the conclusion she's a tease. It's not that I'm upset about getting rid of my two fancy dresses you must know the ones, Katie Price didn't want to take her dress back, but I insisted, said I take her on in a cage fight, but she backed out, saying it wasn't worth losing her looks


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## MrsMozart (5 November 2010)

Is it wrong that I am watching Naked Gun 2 1/2 and reading this as well?


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## Echo Bravo (5 November 2010)

He! He! He!


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## Starzaan (5 November 2010)

I may have a LITTLE BIT fallen asleep on a feed bin whilst trying to supervise yard painting... but it's just so bloody booorrriinng being bed ridden!!! 

You're all madlesbiany, let's ALL be madlesbiany - wafting morags en masse will DEFINITELY make FF love me..... 

BOUND TO...





Now if you'll please excuse me, Solomon Burke is asking me to cry to him.


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## Echo Bravo (5 November 2010)

Have they had fireworks near her place,no they couldn't have done?? She's not quiet there yet. give her an hour or two


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## redmone (5 November 2010)

I will not post, I will not post, I will not post......

Sorry can't do it anymore......

Starzaan - I *heart* you and your posts soooooooo much.....I must confess to stalking your posts for far too long!!!!!

I was trying to be good, and not comment, but your drug induced madness has tickled me pink!!!!!  

BUT for god sake girl, grow a pair and snog the face off FF!!!!  Since when did they have to like it or agree??????????????


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## Groom42 (5 November 2010)

Go to bed and rest, Woman!
The more rest you get, the quicker you will heal, and the quicker you will be fit to ride,


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## Starzaan (5 November 2010)

Can't rest... brain is fizzy.... just the body that's asleep...


fizzfizzfizzfizz....

FF IS GOING FAR FAR AWAAAAY and he'll come back having chucked the trout and gained a hot little South American mamma...


poo. poo poo poo poo POO.


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## Rosehip (6 November 2010)

Starzaan said:



			Can't rest... brain is fizzy.... just the body that's asleep...


fizzfizzfizzfizz....

FF IS GOING FAR FAR AWAAAAY and he'll come back having chucked the trout and gained a hot little South American mamma...


poo. poo poo poo poo POO.
		
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I is confuzzled!!!  
	
	
		
		
	


	




  Just a little bit??

I think my brain is fizzy too...Im watching the Mt Machupichu (sp) trek on itv2 and thats confuzzling me even more! I need a hug  
	
	
		
		
	


	




  xxx


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