# Roll up! Roll up!! Get the answer you're looking for RIGHT here. NO problem too big..



## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Or too small...
No need to bother with 'experts' that might not tell you what you want to hear, or, God forbid, charge you for the priviledge of their many many years of experience. I have an innate understanding of exactly what you need to hear to assuage any creeping feeling of doubt or guilt.

Here's a question I received earlier;

"Dear PF,
I've got a 20 year-old mare whom I've owned for 16 years. She's jumped grade A and produced several wonderful foals. I now think she's getting on a bit; a bit creaky and her supplements cost a bomb. I don't want to have to fork out for her to end her days peacefully in a field, loved and pampered, rewarded for many years of service. Can I sell her on as a broodie? I think someone can squeeze a couple of foals out of her and then I can make a bit of money on her and not have to be out of pocket for her retirement.

I'manidiot"


Dear I'manidiot
Yes, of course you should sell her on. There is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't make a few bob after all the money you've spent on her over the years. Vaccinations, shoes, worming, hay/feed, rugs, tack... all add up over the years and if she ends up with someone who doesn't want to fork out for veteran care and she ends up in neglected, abused or starved and she gets traced back to you, you can always write a book about what a wonderful horse she was and how you love her so much.
Result!!


Another letter from a concerned onwer;

"Dear PF,
My 17hh gelding has recurrent lameness issues, in fact he hasn't been sound for over a year. The vet says he should have scans, but I haven't got insurance and can't afford it. Also he's getting thin and I I'm a bit worried about my feed bill over the winter. What can I do? I don't want to sell him as he's lame, can he go as a companion?

Shouldn'townahorse"



Dear Should'ntownahorse
Yes, of course he can. No matter that small, young ponies that live on air are going for pennies at market, SOMEONE will want to take on your huge poor-doer as a companion and won't mind paying for the extra feed and rugs he'll need coming into winter. I know some people will tell you that some unscrupulous people will bute him up and sell him on before you even have time to blow your nose and wipe that single tear off your cheek, but don't listen to them. That hardly EVER happens.



One more; 

"Dear PF
My mare rushes fences with her head in the air. The fences are about 20cms. She's been like this for 4 years (was like this with her previous owner) and her only speed is warp. What can I do to slow her down? Can I use draw-reins? I've been riding for 2 weeks and can almost do rising trot.

Speeddemon"

Dear Speeddemon
Yes, definitely use draw reins and also the strongest bit you can find; a pelham with just one rein (bottom ring!) should do the trick. If you can put it on upside down, it's even more effective. Don't forget to strap her mouth shut with a flash or grakle, fitted just above the nostrils and use a standing martingale. Attach the martingale to the flash (bottom strap) for maximum effect.




Last one for now;

"Dear PF,
I've got a 15 year-old mare who is unsound and dangerous. Her previous owner was a very experienced rider who had taken her on as a project she but gave up when the mare bolted into traffic and threw her into the path of a car, breaking both legs, 4 ribs, her collarbone and sustaining a hairline fracture of the skull. She has to be stabled because she jumps out of every field she's in and is costing me a fortune in fence repairs and boredom toys. She's got no papers and has never so much as caught a glimpse of a showground but she can obviously jump, right? Should I breed from her?

WTFamIthinking"



Dear WTFamIthinking,
Yes! Definitely breed from her. I'm sure you could make a few bob from a foal. Since she's not got any papers herself, I wouldn't bother getting a registered stallion. Just get a coloured stally as coloureds are very popular at the moment!! I know established breeders are struggling to sell beautiful, well-mannered, papered youngstock at the moment, but clearly your mare is SUPER talented and you'll sell the foal easily. Don't worry about her temperament; anyone who knows about horses will overlook the 'quirkiness' in favour of the super-talent your foal will inevitably have, and he might not inherit the soundness issues, so I wouldn't worry about that either.
Also, although breeding CAN be expensive, if you find a young, unregistered stallion it'll cost almost nothing at all and there's no need for scans or the vet during pregnancy or foaling; She'll pop it out no worries at all.


Anyone wanting advice need only ask  Satisfaction guaranteed


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## Cedars (28 October 2010)

My yearling is now 16months old. Is it too young to back her? She's quite chunky and has 4 legs so I think she's quite stable? xx


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## CorvusCorax (28 October 2010)

**round of applause**

I think we might need one for the AAD too


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## starbar (28 October 2010)

Oooh, who's rattled your cage today 

Sending you a big glass of chill out wine


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

flamehead said:



			My yearling is now 16months old. Is it too young to back her? She's quite chunky and has 4 legs so I think she's quite stable? xx
		
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Dear Flamehead
As she has 4 legs and they're quite chunky, it'll be absolutely fine for you to back her. Just keep the riding to about an hour at a time and don't gallop for more than half an hour at a time. In a month or so you can start jumping her. Don't bother with ground poles, just whack the poles RIGHT up; makes them careful!!


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## Cedars (28 October 2010)

I was thinking I'd teach her to jump over barrels anyway, maybe fill them with water and stack them two high, so if she hits them she'll learn for next time. Gutted as I wanted to ride for 3 hours a day though =[


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## martlin (28 October 2010)

I'm having a bit of a problem, PF, I'm sure you could help:
I need the lotto numbers for Saturday (winning ones, obviously)

Your truly
Martlin


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## dozzie (28 October 2010)

Dear PF,
I've got a 20 year-old gelding whom I've owned for 16 years. He's jumped grade A and produced several wonderful rosettes. I now think he's getting on a bit; a bit creaky and his supplements cost a bomb. I don't want to have to fork out for him to end his days peacefully in a field, loved and pampered, rewarded for many years of service. Can I sell him on as a broodie? I think someone can squeeze a couple of foals out of him and then I can make a bit of money on him and not have to be out of pocket for his retirement.

Imabiggeridiot


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

starbar said:



			Oooh, who's rattled your cage today 

Sending you a big glass of chill out wine  

Click to expand...

Can't imagine why you'd think that, these are _genuine_ letters. Thanks for the wine. Yummy


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## Cuppatea (28 October 2010)

Dear PF, i have a bay horse but i have always always wanted a dun Would it be ok to bleach her out to make her dun?


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## Gluttonforpunishment (28 October 2010)

Brilliant


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

flamehead said:



			I was thinking I'd teach her to jump over barrels anyway, maybe fill them with water and stack them two high, so if she hits them she'll learn for next time. Gutted as I wanted to ride for 3 hours a day though =[
		
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Good idea! Well done. 3hrs will be fine. Use a carrot stick if she gets tired and don't forget to whack her in the face with her headcollar clip. Good luck!!


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## JenJ (28 October 2010)

dozzie said:



			Dear PF,
I've got a 20 year-old gelding whom I've owned for 16 years. He's jumped grade A and produced several wonderful rosettes. I now think he's getting on a bit; a bit creaky and his supplements cost a bomb. I don't want to have to fork out for him to end his days peacefully in a field, loved and pampered, rewarded for many years of service. Can I sell him on as a broodie? I think someone can squeeze a couple of foals out of him and then I can make a bit of money on him and not have to be out of pocket for his retirement.

Imabiggeridiot
		
Click to expand...


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

martlin said:



			I'm having a bit of a problem, PF, I'm sure you could help:
I need the lotto numbers for Saturday (winning ones, obviously)

Your truly
Martlin
		
Click to expand...

Hey, I'm a serious horse expert here. If you want hollow promises go to Mr Pepperoni


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## CorvusCorax (28 October 2010)

My horsey has a head! Does anyone else's horsey have a head? Piccies please


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## MurphysMinder (28 October 2010)

Brilliant, apart from the truthful ring to it.


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## TinselRider (28 October 2010)

Dear PF

I az a very good jumpin ponio dat iz very very fast! she winz everyfink she doez (wen i dnt fall off) but i wantz er to slo dwn coz she makez my mazcara run in2 my loose blonde air ! ive tried bouncin on er back to slo er down but she buckz me off, ive got a duch gag in on da last ring and she az er mouf clamped shut wiv a grackle.. i fink itz ok do coz it is a jhon whitttttttakkkkkker 1... but she still goez 2 fast!

plz elp

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

stoopidilchavchild


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## martlin (28 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Hey, I'm a serious horse expert here. If you want hollow promises go to Mr Pepperoni 

Click to expand...

Right, in that case, maybe you could help me with another problem:
I need the winning numbers for Euromillions on Friday


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

dozzie said:



			Dear PF,
I've got a 20 year-old gelding whom I've owned for 16 years. He's jumped grade A and produced several wonderful rosettes. I now think he's getting on a bit; a bit creaky and his supplements cost a bomb. I don't want to have to fork out for him to end his days peacefully in a field, loved and pampered, rewarded for many years of service. Can I sell him on as a broodie? I think someone can squeeze a couple of foals out of him and then I can make a bit of money on him and not have to be out of pocket for his retirement.

Imabiggeridiot
		
Click to expand...

That might work. OR you could shave a few years off his age, bute him up and sell him on to a novice home as a schoolmaster.


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## Meowy Catkin (28 October 2010)

Dear PF, I have an old retired TB mare that I use as a companion. I have been told that she's taking advantage of me, should I;

1. put her in foal despite the fact that her last foal was PTS due to health problems?

2. re-back her as she apparently was a fab jumper when she raced (National Hunt) years ago? I was told that she rears vertically when ridden so should I hobble all her legs together and will she still be able to jump in hobbles?


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## Cedars (28 October 2010)

CC is the head the part that poo comes out of? Or is it something else? *Oh god am I the only one* who's horse doesnt have a head?!


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## *hic* (28 October 2010)

dozzie said:



			Dear PF,
I've got a 20 year-old gelding whom I've owned for 16 years. He's jumped grade A and produced several wonderful rosettes. I now think he's getting on a bit; a bit creaky and his supplements cost a bomb. I don't want to have to fork out for him to end his days peacefully in a field, loved and pampered, rewarded for many years of service. Can I sell him on as a broodie? I think someone can squeeze a couple of foals out of him and then I can make a bit of money on him and not have to be out of pocket for his retirement.

Imabiggeridiot
		
Click to expand...


*is howling with laughter*

Dear Imabiggeridiot

Tell you what, you get him in foal and I'll give you £15K for him. Please can you forward tapes of phone conversations with stallion owners to me to prove you are genuine. Video of the coverings would also be useful.

YS

etc


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## Toast (28 October 2010)

Dear PF,
Im not sure if what im feeding my HW cob is right. He is 14hh and the weigh tape says hes around 750kg which is ok i think? I feed him 3 scoops of conditioning mix in each feed but I also feed him flapjacks as i hear oats are good for energy which he doesnt have much of. I figured flapjacks are tastier than just plain oats. 
Also PF, he does this strange thing quite often, he leans back a lot onto his back feet, like he wants to sit down. Its quite funny to watch but im sure it cant be good for his back, perhaps its because his feet curl upwards do you think? maybe he's admiring his toes, they do look nice now theyre all curly. Do all horses do this?
Thanks!


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## JenJ (28 October 2010)

Dear PF,

I've been pony trekking a few times recently, and as I have a big garden, thought I might buy myself a horse. I want something that looks impressive, so should I buy a ex-racehorse (one that has won lots) or a Grade A showjumper? I'm not interested in those cart horse types you see around.

Also, I don't really want hoofprints on the lawn, so can I leave it in the shed and just pick some grass to feed it?

And how do I put the shoes on?

Lotstolearn


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Rowenna said:



			Dear PF, i have a bay horse but i have always always wanted a dun Would it be ok to bleach her out to make her dun?
		
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I don't think bleach will work. Try peroxide. Good luck!!


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

CaveCanem said:



			My horsey has a head! Does anyone else's horsey have a head? Piccies please 

Click to expand...

Dear CC
Don't worry; most horses have heads so this is perfectly normal. You should only start to get worried if you see more than one. Good luck!!


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## Three (28 October 2010)

Dear PF,

Am I the only one who can't resist a foal?? I bought one at the NF sales earlier this year but I've been worried that it's loney with only the chickens for company.

My friend has a friend who is selling a foal, it's sooooo cute!! It's home bred and the mare has won several rosettes at local competitions so is expected to do big things. I have room in the garden - we have almost an acre! - and I think it will make a nice friend for my baby.

The thing is I've never had a horse before so am worried that as this new one will be so good it might be too much for me when I break it in? 

Will it be easier with two cos they can learn watching each other so should I go for it?


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

boogles said:



			Dear PF

I az a very good jumpin ponio dat iz very very fast! she winz everyfink she doez (wen i dnt fall off) but i wantz er to slo dwn coz she makez my mazcara run in2 my loose blonde air ! ive tried bouncin on er back to slo er down but she buckz me off, ive got a duch gag in on da last ring and she az er mouf clamped shut wiv a grackle.. i fink itz ok do coz it is a jhon whitttttttakkkkkker 1... but she still goez 2 fast!

plz elp

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

stoopidilchavchild
		
Click to expand...

Dear stoopidilchavchild

u cnt stp bicoz u frgot ur stnding mrting gale!! Iniittttt!!?? u wnt ur hair 2 sty nice? u need mre herspriy nd dnt wear a hat!!! if u fll of wn she buckssss thn u's a crap ridder, innittttt!! f'ing hold on titer!!


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

martlin said:



			Right, in that case, maybe you could help me with another problem:
I need the winning numbers for Euromillions on Friday 

Click to expand...

I could tell you, but first you have to buy my patented left-handed headcollar, lungerope and bananastick and also DVDs 1-10. THEN I will give you the winning numbers. Course if the numbers DON'T win it'll be because you didn't follow the DVDs exactly to the letter  Good luck!


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## Meowy Catkin (28 October 2010)

Dear PF, why haven't you answered my question yet? Is it because I haven't bought your orange whip, rope halter and DVD set?

Edit, sorry , yellow whip/banana stick


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## dozzie (28 October 2010)

jemima_too said:



			*is howling with laughter*

Dear Imabiggeridiot

Tell you what, you get him in foal and I'll give you £15K for him. Please can you forward tapes of phone conversations with stallion owners to me to prove you are genuine. Video of the coverings would also be useful.

YS

etc
		
Click to expand...

If I got him in foal I would want more than 15k!  My friend has a colt, not sure how it is bred. I think it is ShetlandxShire. Do you think that would do? it stands at about 8hh and is 4 ft wide. Do you think I would get an apaloosa?


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## martlin (28 October 2010)

My credit card details are in the post!
I knew you could hep me, thank you.

ps I have also noticed you are multilingual, very impressive!


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## TinselRider (28 October 2010)

Fing iz do i az tied ma legz to ma girf so i getz dragged wen i falz off, shud i tie notz in ma standin martingail to make it shorta? ma ponio shud ave itz ead on itz chest riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite?


stoopidilchavchild


(you don't know how painful it is to write like that )


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## LeneHorse (28 October 2010)

Toast said:



			Dear PF,
Im not sure if what im feeding my HW cob is right. He is 14hh and the weigh tape says hes around 750kg which is ok i think? I feed him 3 scoops of conditioning mix in each feed but I also feed him flapjacks as i hear oats are good for energy which he doesnt have much of. I figured flapjacks are tastier than just plain oats. 
Also PF, he does this strange thing quite often, he leans back a lot onto his back feet, like he wants to sit down. Its quite funny to watch but im sure it cant be good for his back, perhaps its because his feet curl upwards do you think? maybe he's admiring his toes, they do look nice now theyre all curly. Do all horses do this?
Thanks!
		
Click to expand...

Your pony sounds seriously underweight and is probably standing oddly due to being weak from lack of food. He needs a lot more food and some nice big rugs. Have you tried M&S flapjacks - my 900kg 15.2 connie loves em!


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## *hic* (28 October 2010)

Dear PF

Please can you tell me what you are on tonight and can you express some over to me.

Yours

Feelingratherflat


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Faracat said:



			Dear PF, I have an old retired TB mare that I use as a companion. I have been told that she's taking advantage of me, should I;

1. put her in foal despite the fact that her last foal was PTS due to health problems?

2. re-back her as she apparently was a fab jumper when she raced (National Hunt) years ago? I was told that she rears vertically when ridden so should I hobble all her legs together and will she still be able to jump in hobbles?
		
Click to expand...

First you need to buy my bananastick and DVD set. I'll throw in the Patented Left-handed headcollar. All for £250 plus postage. These will help you control your mare. 
Yes, definitely breed from her again as my patented Recovery Kit (an additional £350) will cure her of any health issues and of course stop the rearing instantly as long as you follow the steps exactly and do not deviate in any way. Be aware that following any of the steps when Mercury is not in Uranus voids the guarantee.


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## Toast (28 October 2010)

LeneHorse said:



			Your pony sounds seriously underweight and is probably standing oddly due to being weak from lack of food. He needs a lot more food and some nice big rugs. Have you tried M&S flapjacks - my 900kg 15.2 connie loves em!
		
Click to expand...

Oh but he's already in a duvet and 2 heavyweights? Bugger perhaps i should invest in another duvet. I'll make sure i double his feed then
x


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

flamehead said:



			CC is the head the part that poo comes out of? Or is it something else? *Oh god am I the only one* who's horse doesnt have a head?!
		
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The head is the bit at the front. The bit at the front is the one that comes towards you at a mad gallop, teeth bared. Hope this helps. Good luck!!


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## Meowy Catkin (28 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			First you need to buy my bananastick and DVD set. *I'll throw in the Patented Left-handed headcollar*. All for £250 plus postage. These will help you control your mare. 
Yes, definitely breed from her again as my patented Recovery Kit (an additional £350) will cure her of any health issues and of course stop the rearing instantly as long as you follow the steps exactly and do not deviate in any way. Be aware that following any of the steps when Mercury is not in Uranus voids the guarantee.
		
Click to expand...

Wow a free gift!  The money's on it's way! Hopefully she and the foal will be in the eventing or SJ team at the 2012 Olympics!


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Toast said:



			Dear PF,
Im not sure if what im feeding my HW cob is right. He is 14hh and the weigh tape says hes around 750kg which is ok i think? I feed him 3 scoops of conditioning mix in each feed but I also feed him flapjacks as i hear oats are good for energy which he doesnt have much of. I figured flapjacks are tastier than just plain oats. 
Also PF, he does this strange thing quite often, he leans back a lot onto his back feet, like he wants to sit down. Its quite funny to watch but im sure it cant be good for his back, perhaps its because his feet curl upwards do you think? maybe he's admiring his toes, they do look nice now theyre all curly. Do all horses do this?
Thanks!
		
Click to expand...

I know you mean well but you're not feeding your horse enough!! Cobs are meant to be really really round and they should wobble all over when they move. If you turn him out, I suggest you stop, and double his food. Feeding him flapjacks is a very good idea.
Hmmm, I don't think his feet are that long, he probably needs some training with my patented left-handed headcollar, lungerein and banana stick. These and the DVD set numbers 1-10 will sort him out. Good luck!!


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## FairyLights (28 October 2010)

Dear PF, I ride my horse for 4 each each weekday and for 7 hours on Saturday and 7 hours on Sundays. I ride on the main roads and on the stoney flinty tracks in the woods. I like to gallop on the stoney tracks. My horse did start to limp, first on one front leg then he started to limp with a back leg as well. That was three months ago,he doesnt limp now coz his feet ate really worn down so hes nothing to trip over, he just shuffles along  and is so quiet and easy to ride as he cant run away. My barefoot trimmer is thrilled at how removing his shoes has slowed him down and made him manageable, but I want to gallop on the roads,should I get the blacksmith out to shoe him? The farrier man came and just splutters rude words like WHAT THE !!!!!******** etc , can the blacksmith shoe him instead or will this upset the barefoot trimmer?
Yours
FlipFlop.


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

JenJ said:



			Dear PF,

I've been pony trekking a few times recently, and as I have a big garden, thought I might buy myself a horse. I want something that looks impressive, so should I buy a ex-racehorse (one that has won lots) or a Grade A showjumper? I'm not interested in those cart horse types you see around.

Also, I don't really want hoofprints on the lawn, so can I leave it in the shed and just pick some grass to feed it?

And how do I put the shoes on?

Lotstolearn
		
Click to expand...

Yes, get an exracehorse; he'll help you keep the grass down and trim the hedges. Horses particularly like yew, so feed him lots of that.  If he messes up your lawn, you can put trainers on him and glue them on with wallpaper paste. Keep him in the greenhouse so you can keep an eye on him.


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## RuthnMeg (28 October 2010)

Dear PF
I have a minor question.
I have just bought  2 year old very hairy girl pony, I think its a girl, thats about a metre high. I think its small. I went to the supermarket to buy some food for it, they told me that cornflakes and milk isn't a healthy diet. So, I went to the shop called 'scats' and bought, 3 bags of competition mix - I want to compete the pony at Badminton, 3 bags of hifi, 3 bags of barley, and 3 bags of sugar beat. Iam feeding the pony 2 scoops of competition mix 3 times a day, breakfast, lunch and dinner. At break time I feed it 1 scoop of barley, so it doesn't get hungry before lunch. This is ok, isn't it? When do I also give it hifi and sugar beat?
I want it tip top form to win at Badminton. I want to be on the telly!! 
ps, riding it is great, it takes my 13stone very well, and soon we will be jumping 5ft!!

Thanks for your help.


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

boogles said:



			Fing iz do i az tied ma legz to ma girf so i getz dragged wen i falz off, shud i tie notz in ma standin martingail to make it shorta? ma ponio shud ave itz ead on itz chest riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite?


stoopidilchavchild


(you don't know how painful it is to write like that )
		
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Yes, er ed shud be on er chst nd 'er noze shud av 2 rinkls. I cnt bliev u dn't no thattttt!! *rols eys*

(I share your pain!)


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Three said:



			Dear PF,

Am I the only one who can't resist a foal?? I bought one at the NF sales earlier this year but I've been worried that it's loney with only the chickens for company.

My friend has a friend who is selling a foal, it's sooooo cute!! It's home bred and the mare has won several rosettes at local competitions so is expected to do big things. I have room in the garden - we have almost an acre! - and I think it will make a nice friend for my baby.

The thing is I've never had a horse before so am worried that as this new one will be so good it might be too much for me when I break it in? 

Will it be easier with two cos they can learn watching each other so should I go for it?
		
Click to expand...

Your instincts are bang on! Foals should be kept together and they teach each other all sorts of things like how to stand for the barefoot trimmer and how to be caught and led, although if you buy my bananastck and patented left-handed headcollar and DVDs numbers 1-10 then they will also learn to communicate with you and understand English exactly like Spirit Stallion of the Cimarron.


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

jemima_too said:



			Dear PF

Please can you tell me what you are on tonight and can you express some over to me.

Yours

Feelingratherflat
		
Click to expand...

I've had loads of sugar and am also high on my enormously inflated ego


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## Cuppatea (28 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			I don't think bleach will work. Try peroxide. Good luck!!
		
Click to expand...

Many thanks for your wise words....i am in Tesco now, should i try garnier nutrisse or l'oreal nice n easy? 
Also what type of blonde would be best - ash or honey?


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

horsesforever1 said:



			Dear PF, I ride my horse for 4 each each weekday and for 7 hours on Saturday and 7 hours on Sundays. I ride on the main roads and on the stoney flinty tracks in the woods. I like to gallop on the stoney tracks. My horse did start to limp, first on one front leg then he started to limp with a back leg as well. That was three months ago,he doesnt limp now coz his feet ate really worn down so hes nothing to trip over, he just shuffles along  and is so quiet and easy to ride as he cant run away. My barefoot trimmer is thrilled at how removing his shoes has slowed him down and made him manageable, but I want to gallop on the roads,should I get the blacksmith out to shoe him? The farrier man came and just splutters rude words like WHAT THE !!!!!******** etc , can the blacksmith shoe him instead or will this upset the barefoot trimmer?
Yours
FlipFlop.
		
Click to expand...

Dear FlipFlop, Don't get a farrier!! 6 years of training is NOTHING compared to 2days of tea and biscuits with a bit of conversation about hooves. These are run by people who have done 4 or more days of conversation, so they are more than qualified to sort your horse's feet out. I have to warn you that to REALLY improve your horse you'll need to buy my Patented left-handed headcollar, lungerope (newly improved with extra heavy clip) and bananastick, together with DVDs 1-10. Good luck


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## Jesstickle (28 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Dear stoopidilchavchild

u cnt stp bicoz u frgot ur stnding mrting gale!! Iniittttt!!?? u wnt ur hair 2 sty nice? u need mre herspriy nd dnt wear a hat!!! if u fll of wn she buckssss thn u's a crap ridder, innittttt!! f'ing hold on titer!!
		
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Oi PF. You told me off for laughing at chavs the other day. Blooming brilliant post though. I love it. Although I expect I am probably guilty for asking stoppid questions so am most likely laughing at myself!


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## Echo Bravo (28 October 2010)

I have a very nice black gelding. Do you think he'd look nice in the Katie Price pink bling, in the Working Hunter class. I've seen the pink bridles and saddle cloths, also think about pink Brushing boots when out Hunting.


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## MrsMozart (28 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Dear CC
Don't worry; most horses have heads so this is perfectly normal. You should only start to get worried if you see more than one. Good luck!!
		
Click to expand...

So they're not meant to have more than one...?!

Oh blast.

I'll put some cream on it, see if that does the trick.

Yours, 

Loss M'Braincell


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## LeneHorse (28 October 2010)

We are thinking of getting the kids a poney for Xmas. They will only ride it once a week - will it be ok to leave it out in a field on its own the rest of the time? It will get plenty too eat as my hubby is going to keep all the lawn cuttings for it and it can have any stale bread thats left each week. My friend has given me her old horse's saddell and bridal so we're laughing. It was a 18hand hunter and we're looking for something small but it won't matter if the saddell is a bit big will it? So can you recommend a breed of poney that will suit us? We really want a white one as that will be right christmassy. PS the kids are 7 and 10 and each weigh 14 stone.
Thanx - we're sooo excited!


----------



## Flame_ (28 October 2010)

Dear PF

My lovely perfect horse who I have owned for ten wonderful years has turned evil. He keeps trying to kill me every time I try to ride him. I have tried playing Parelli games with him but he's just too evil now to do them properly. An expert told me he might have a pain so i got the YO, a chiropractor, a bowen therapist, a dentist, a barefoot guru, a reiki healer, a TTouch practitioner, a faith healer and an animal communicator to have a look but he's fine. 

So now i know there's nothing up with him, the expert helped me give him a "sorting out" but he's so evil he's put the expert in hospital and I've got no one else who's brave enough to help me beat him into behaving himself again.

What should I do? Please help. 

Numptygettingadvicefromothernumpties


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## JenJ (28 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Yes, get an exracehorse; he'll help you keep the grass down and trim the hedges. Horses particularly like yew, so feed him lots of that.  If he messes up your lawn, you can put trainers on him and glue them on with wallpaper paste. Keep him in the greenhouse so you can keep an eye on him.
		
Click to expand...

Thanks for the advice PF.

But I've decided that I don't want to get a horse that's old and boring, so I'm going to get a young racehorse. I'd like to ride it really fast in races myself - I saw a 'show schedule' with entry forms and stuff in the office of the pony trekking centre, do they do one of those for the Grand National?


----------



## spotty_pony (28 October 2010)

Dear PF,

I have just purchased a lovely Falabella for this season's hunting. I am 6ft6 and weigh 15 stone. He is beautiful and was described as a super first pony which will suilt me fine as he is my first pony! I am so excited - bring on those big hedges! People have been telling me though that we won't keep up and we won't make it over the jumps?  I don't know why because his old owner told me he was 'willing to please and will always try his best for you' Do you think this is true these people are just jealous of my super hunting horse? 

Confusedfallabellahunter


----------



## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Ruthnmeg said:



			Dear PF
I have a minor question.
I have just bought  2 year old very hairy girl pony, I think its a girl, thats about a metre high. I think its small. I went to the supermarket to buy some food for it, they told me that cornflakes and milk isn't a healthy diet. So, I went to the shop called 'scats' and bought, 3 bags of competition mix - I want to compete the pony at Badminton, 3 bags of hifi, 3 bags of barley, and 3 bags of sugar beat. Iam feeding the pony 2 scoops of competition mix 3 times a day, breakfast, lunch and dinner. At break time I feed it 1 scoop of barley, so it doesn't get hungry before lunch. This is ok, isn't it? When do I also give it hifi and sugar beat?
I want it tip top form to win at Badminton. I want to be on the telly!! 
ps, riding it is great, it takes my 13stone very well, and soon we will be jumping 5ft!!

Thanks for your help.
		
Click to expand...

Hi, your horse sounds lovely. The diet sounds perfect; you should always feed youngsters as much as possible so they grow really tall. Also, not many people know this, but I'll forgive you your inexperience, competition mix is specially designed for Badminton horses!! Really!! It should only take a few months to get her to hold a racquet and shuttlecock. 
The Hifi and sugar beet is for YOU!! You must keep your strength up. Look forward to seeing you on the telly!!


----------



## JenJ (28 October 2010)

SJ_Superstars said:



			Dear PF,

I have just purchased a lovely Falabella for this season's hunting. I am 6ft6 and weigh 15 stone. He is beautiful and was described as a super first pony which will suilt me fine as he is my first pony! I am so excited - bring on those big hedges! People have been telling me though that we won't keep up and we won't make it over the jumps?  I don't know why because his old owner told me he was 'willing to please and will always try his best for you' Do you think this is true these people are just jealous of my super hunting horse? 

Confusedfallabellahunter
		
Click to expand...




PapaFrita said:



			Hi, your horse sounds lovely. The diet sounds perfect; you should always feed youngsters as much as possible so they grow really tall. Also, not many people know this, but I'll forgive you your inexperience, competition mix is specially designed for Badminton horses!! Really!! It should only take a few months to get her to hold a racquet and shuttlecock. 
The Hifi and sugar beet is for YOU!! You must keep your strength up. Look forward to seeing you on the telly!!
		
Click to expand...


I think there's your answer - you just need to feed your falabella lots.

Sorry PF, but I thought I'd save you time so you can answer my question. I really want to win the Grand National.


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Rowenna said:



			Many thanks for your wise words....i am in Tesco now, should i try garnier nutrisse or l'oreal nice n easy? 
Also what type of blonde would be best - ash or honey?
		
Click to expand...

Nice n easy I think and I think you should get honey blonde.. that way if you get it a bit wrong she'll look like a palomino!!


----------



## nikicb (28 October 2010)

Dear PF.
A lovely man came to my front door last month with a very fat pony.  He said that we were meant to be together so I paid him lots of money and put her in the back garden.  She saved me cutting the lawn last week, but now I am getting worried as she is getting fatter and fatter and soon won't be able to fit through the gate.  It's such a shame as I wanted to take her to Olympia this year as my kids have worked out they can get on her when they jump from the shed roof and I thought she could would look good if I got one of those diamante head things on her and lead her around.  I keep finding this creamy white liquid on the patio, but not sure what it is.  Also she is looking very bad tempered and swishing her tail.  Should I get a builder out to widen my gate?
Thank you.

ETA thanks for brightening up my evening!


----------



## Tamba (28 October 2010)

I have just read this over dinner, and we all have never laughed so much !!
some classic questions there!!!!!!!!!


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

jesstickle said:



			Oi PF. You told me off for laughing at chavs the other day. Blooming brilliant post though. I love it. Although I expect I am probably guilty for asking stoppid questions so am most likely laughing at myself!
		
Click to expand...

I never forget a stupid question or a stupid answer and I don't recall you making either


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## TinselRider (28 October 2010)

LeneHorse said:



			PS the kids are 7 and 10 and each weigh 14 stone.
Thanx - we're sooo excited!
		
Click to expand...


OMGDZ U iz unda feedin ur kidz innit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Iz gunna callz soshal servises!


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Echo Bravo said:



			I have a very nice black gelding. Do you think he'd look nice in the Katie Price pink bling, in the Working Hunter class. I've seen the pink bridles and saddle cloths, also think about pink Brushing boots when out Hunting.

Click to expand...

Yes, pink is always stylish and it's always nice to add a touch of glamour to equestrianism, Don't you think? No need to go to KP though!! I think you should buy my pink velour breeches and sequinned polyester show jacket to go with my Patented left-handed headcollar (available in pink), the new, improved lungeline (available in pink) with the extra heavy clip and the bananastick with tassles. DVDs 1-10 will teach you all you need to know to achieve the ultimate glamour on and with your horse. Good luck!!


----------



## ozpoz (28 October 2010)

Dear PF,
 I recently purchased a new pink truck and  ,knowing how important it is to
 co ordinate properly when competing I made sure my boilingblood mare has matching kit - girth, headcolllar, leadrope, bandages,numnah,browband, reins, tailguard and knee and hock boots. Howerver, when I put the boots on she refuses to move - I've checked the top AND bottom straps are done up tightly, so what could be the problem?
Do I need your banana stick, and can I puchase a pink one?


Allthegearandnoidea


----------



## JenJ (28 October 2010)

Oh, when I watch racing the riders usually have whips - do you have left-handed ones? In purple?


----------



## nativetyponies (28 October 2010)

dear PF

i've got a 17.2 horse will it fit in an ifor williams 505?

clueless


----------



## Baggybreeches (28 October 2010)

PF you are genius!


----------



## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

MrsMozart said:



			So they're not meant to have more than one...?!

Oh blast.

I'll put some cream on it, see if that does the trick.

Yours, 

Loss M'Braincell
		
Click to expand...

Don't panic!! Put some Camrosa on it, that'll sort it out! Or, you could try rubbing half a puffball mushroom picked on a night with a full moon onto the extra head. Don't forget you MUST be naked and singing Living la Vida Loca along to Wagner when you pick the mushroom or it won't work. Good luck
PS; All this and more failsafe advice on how to cope with extra heads in my special set of DVDs entitled; Warts, Bumps and extra Heads (1-20) available for £460.


----------



## sykokat (28 October 2010)

Dear PF, I just adore KP's pink horse box! The problem I have is I can't possibly afford one like it. I do think however, I could stretch tp a respray of beanies trailer. The question I wish to put to you is do you think it reasonable to paint my richardson trailer a lush hot pink with bling in certain places??? Maybe some of those flash shiny hubs that carry on spinning when the wheels have stopped???


----------



## spotty_pony (28 October 2010)

Thank you JenJ.  

My other question is what are these carrot sticks everyone seems to be going on about? My horse loves eating carrots so will he like carrot sticks too?


----------



## LadyRascasse (28 October 2010)

Dearest PF,

my older gelding is currently lame but i don't want to miss out on any riding, would it be ok to bute him up and take him up the gallops and round the XC course anyway????

yours 

LR


----------



## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

LeneHorse said:



			We are thinking of getting the kids a poney for Xmas. They will only ride it once a week - will it be ok to leave it out in a field on its own the rest of the time? It will get plenty too eat as my hubby is going to keep all the lawn cuttings for it and it can have any stale bread thats left each week. My friend has given me her old horse's saddell and bridal so we're laughing. It was a 18hand hunter and we're looking for something small but it won't matter if the saddell is a bit big will it? So can you recommend a breed of poney that will suit us? We really want a white one as that will be right christmassy. PS the kids are 7 and 10 and each weigh 14 stone.
Thanx - we're sooo excited!
		
Click to expand...

Remember a pony is not just for Christmas so you must keep it until the New Year. Yes, you can keep in a field or even in a small garden. You can feed bread as long as it's wholemeal or at least a bit brown. I'm glad you've got a saddal (please spell it correctly) and bridal; as long as you like the colour, it'll be fine. Make sure it's comfortable though!! You should a Welsh section A for your kids or failing that, a lipizzaner (they always come in white)


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## nativetyponies (28 October 2010)

dear PF

I've noticed on this forum a certain sub-language which contains infantile speak such as "coblet", "doglet", "horsey" and "ponio"

is this possible to erradicate?

speakerofrealenglish


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## M_G (28 October 2010)

Dear PF my horse has 3 thin legs and one big fat one should I be worried? I think it makes her look really sweet


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Flame_ said:



			Dear PF

My lovely perfect horse who I have owned for ten wonderful years has turned evil. He keeps trying to kill me every time I try to ride him. I have tried playing Parelli games with him but he's just too evil now to do them properly. An expert told me he might have a pain so i got the YO, a chiropractor, a bowen therapist, a dentist, a barefoot guru, a reiki healer, a TTouch practitioner, a faith healer and an animal communicator to have a look but he's fine. 

So now i know there's nothing up with him, the expert helped me give him a "sorting out" but he's so evil he's put the expert in hospital and I've got no one else who's brave enough to help me beat him into behaving himself again.

What should I do? Please help. 

Numptygettingadvicefromothernumpties




Click to expand...

Give him a carrot. If you reward him every time he tries to give you a tummy tuck with his teeth he'll be totally taken aback and won't be able to help loving you again. If you'd been a good owner and truly loved your horse you would've bought all my DVDs (available for £530) and the Patented left-handed headcollar, improved lungeline with extra-heavy clip and the bananastick you wouldn't have needed any of those so-called experts. Now you'll have to buy the remedial dvds as well (£780)


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## Thistle (28 October 2010)

Dear PF

As we are neighbours I am becoming rather worried about the safety of my horses. I know they aren't left handed though so don't bother trying to sell me all that left handed kit!

Do you think the ponies might have eaten the missing pussy cat? I know it's good to give them a varied diet!

I've given the local psych team a ring and they'yy be around in a bit with your normal Thursday evening treatment. They did say they hope you haven't put on any weight this week though as the strait jacket has shrunk in the wash.

Yours Thistle xxx


----------



## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

JenJ said:



			Thanks for the advice PF.

But I've decided that I don't want to get a horse that's old and boring, so I'm going to get a young racehorse. I'd like to ride it really fast in races myself - I saw a 'show schedule' with entry forms and stuff in the office of the pony trekking centre, do they do one of those for the Grand National?
		
Click to expand...

Yes, go to the yearlings sales and get a very young one so it won't have any nasty habits and you can grow and learn together; you'll be guaranteed to win!! 
Most pony trekking centres worth their salt will train people up for the Grand National and they can enter you for that as well  Good luck!


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

SJ_Superstars said:



			Dear PF,

I have just purchased a lovely Falabella for this season's hunting. I am 6ft6 and weigh 15 stone. He is beautiful and was described as a super first pony which will suilt me fine as he is my first pony! I am so excited - bring on those big hedges! People have been telling me though that we won't keep up and we won't make it over the jumps?  I don't know why because his old owner told me he was 'willing to please and will always try his best for you' Do you think this is true these people are just jealous of my super hunting horse? 

Confusedfallabellahunter
		
Click to expand...

Hi, your ponio sounds lovely!! Of course he can carry you!! People are just jealous. Make sure you feed him lots though so he has the energy to carry you. Good luck


----------



## TinselRider (28 October 2010)

Nuffink rong wiv callin ma girlie a ponio.....shez 17.2 so itz a ponio aiiiiiiite!


PF anova qweztion 4 u......she az big blak fings between er back legs....are dey her energi storez? u kno camelz stor wata so poniez stor energi rite? and i dnt fink er cord woz cut propa az a baybe iva coz she az a big black umbilical sausage fing 2?


----------



## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

nikicb said:



			Dear PF.
A lovely man came to my front door last month with a very fat pony.  He said that we were meant to be together so I paid him lots of money and put her in the back garden.  She saved me cutting the lawn last week, but now I am getting worried as she is getting fatter and fatter and soon won't be able to fit through the gate.  It's such a shame as I wanted to take her to Olympia this year as my kids have worked out they can get on her when they jump from the shed roof and I thought she could would look good if I got one of those diamante head things on her and lead her around.  I keep finding this creamy white liquid on the patio, but not sure what it is.  Also she is looking very bad tempered and swishing her tail.  Should I get a builder out to widen my gate?
Thank you.

ETA thanks for brightening up my evening! 

Click to expand...

She will have to be very fat to get to Olympia; unless she actually gets stuck in the gate she won't have enough condition. Also, it's compulsory to have lots of diamanté if you want to show, so you're on the right track. Definitely get a builder to widen the gate? If you get him to widen your kitchen door she can have meals in the house as well


----------



## nativetyponies (28 October 2010)

dear PF

i've been riding now for at least 5 years and have just mastered rising trot 

shall i put my name down for the RS jumping Derby?

everhopefuluselessrider


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## dozzie (28 October 2010)

Dear PF

I am right-handed. Do you make a right-handed headcollar?


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## *hic* (28 October 2010)

Thistle said:



			Dear PF

As we are neighbours I am becoming rather worried about the safety of my horses. I know they aren't left handed though so don't bother trying to sell me all that left handed kit!

Do you think the ponies might have eaten the missing pussy cat? I know it's good to give them a varied diet!

I've given the local psych team a ring and they'yy be around in a bit with your normal Thursday evening treatment. They did say they hope you haven't put on any weight this week though as the strait jacket has shrunk in the wash.

Yours Thistle xxx
		
Click to expand...

PMSL at normal Thursday evening treatment!


----------



## nikicb (28 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			She will have to be very fat to get to Olympia; unless she actually gets stuck in the gate she won't have enough condition. Also, it's compulsory to have lots of diamanté if you want to show, so you're on the right track. Definitely get a builder to widen the gate? If you get him to widen your kitchen door she can have meals in the house as well 

Click to expand...

Thank you, I will call the builder tomorrow.  I have some pasta left over from dinner so I will give her that.  It will certainly save me time as at the moment it takes me an hour and a half to put all the extra things in her feed that the local feed store sold me.


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## Thelwell_Girl (28 October 2010)

Dear PF,


I have two problems which I think you should be able to answer for me.

1. I don't have a pony, but the other day I saw an Irish Wolfhound in the street, and it was waaaay bigger than a Shetland. Can I buy one and ride it to school? It's big enough that I can just put a t shirt and sunglasses on it and say it's a new student, so I won't have to worry about parking.

2. Am I doomed to forever be without a nice, handsome boyfriend? Am I putting them off because I smell of whelks and ponies?

Thank you.

Smellybellyponygirl


----------



## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

ozpoz said:



			Dear PF,
 I recently purchased a new pink truck and  ,knowing how important it is to
 co ordinate properly when competing I made sure my boilingblood mare has matching kit - girth, headcolllar, leadrope, bandages,numnah,browband, reins, tailguard and knee and hock boots. Howerver, when I put the boots on she refuses to move - I've checked the top AND bottom straps are done up tightly, so what could be the problem?
Do I need your banana stick, and can I puchase a pink one?


Allthegearandnoidea
		
Click to expand...

You definitely need the bananstick and the DVDs to help you through this particular problem. I think your mare is a lower-centre-brained foolovert so you'll need the specific set of DVDs designed for this particular type of horse.


----------



## spotty_pony (28 October 2010)

I love this thread! I hope it makes the top threads in Horse and Hound next week!


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## MrsMozart (28 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Don't panic!! Put some Camrosa on it, that'll sort it out! Or, you could try rubbing half a puffball mushroom picked on a night with a full moon onto the extra head. Don't forget you MUST be naked and singing Living la Vida Loca along to Wagner when you pick the mushroom or it won't work. Good luck
PS; All this and more failsafe advice on how to cope with extra heads in my special set of DVDs entitled; Warts, Bumps and extra Heads (1-20) available for £460.
		
Click to expand...

Oh thank you oh wonderful and splendiferous PF . Please may I join your secret society? I will wear your logo with pride and play games with my many headed horses (though hopefully soon to be slightly less headsome).

*wobbles off to search out puffball mushrooms*

**last seen running across the fields with police helicopter searchlight bouncing off great expanses of lard ar$e**

Note: Please send all secret society stuff to me c/o Her Majesty's Prison service....


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

JenJ said:



			Oh, when I watch racing the riders usually have whips - do you have left-handed ones? In purple?
		
Click to expand...

Very good question. Yes, I do. They are £49.95. All colours available.


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## Groom42 (28 October 2010)

Dear PF, my frend took me to a sale last week - god, it was soooooooo cheepeeee, I got two really cute baby horses for fifty pense! If id nown how cheep they wer id of got some ages ago. They are all cute and flufy, with big fat tummies - someone has reely loved them and given them lots to eat. As there so little they can go in my garden - dont worry ive moved the patio stuff, lol! neways, my frend said they need nuts to eat, so I went to that nut shop in town, but got confussed coz there was so any diffrent sorts,lol! Shud i get brasils, or wud warnuts be better?
Lovemycuties


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## Thistle (28 October 2010)

Groom42 said:



			Dear PF, my frend took me to a sale last week - god, it was soooooooo cheepeeee, I got two really cute baby horses for fifty pense! If id nown how cheep they wer id of got some ages ago. They are all cute and flufy, with big fat tummies - someone has reely loved them and given them lots to eat. As there so little they can go in my garden - dont worry ive moved the patio stuff, lol! neways, my frend said they need nuts to eat, so I went to that nut shop in town, but got confussed coz there was so any diffrent sorts,lol! Shud i get brasils, or wud warnuts be better?
Lovemycuties
		
Click to expand...


Duntcha U noe G42, U shud feem em cobnuts


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

nativeponies said:



			dear PF

i've got a 17.2 horse will it fit in an ifor williams 505?

clueless
		
Click to expand...

Yes, kneel it down and get it to crawl in. This can be easily achieved with the patented left-handed headcollar, the lungeline with the extra-heavy clip and the bananastick, tassles optional, and the DVD set entitled 'How to teach your horse to muck out, load himself and drive the lorry'


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Baggybreeches said:



			PF you are genius!  

Click to expand...

  Perhaps I should cut back on the caffeine?


----------



## Thistle (28 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



  Perhaps I should cut back on the caffeine?
		
Click to expand...

Maybe just leave off the sloe gin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Snoozinsusan (28 October 2010)

What colour is he?
I bought this beautiful Fresian x Lippizanner last month.  Only cost £9,848.95, what a bargain!  Seller assured me he'll be at Olympia at Xmas. (She temporarily misplaced the passport but now says it's in the post).
What class shall I enter him in?
He makes a strange noise sometimes, can be heard miles away.  Is this normal? Sounds a bit like 'hee-haw'. Maybe he's just having a laugh.


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## Thelwell_Girl (28 October 2010)

*booohooo*

No-ones answered my very most pressing questions 

Im gonna go cry into a bucket of whelks now


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## Zebedee (28 October 2010)

Dear PF,
           My shetlands are sweating under their heavyweight combo rugs. Should I clip them?
    shouldntevenownahamster


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## Groom42 (28 October 2010)

Thistle said:



			Duntcha U noe G42, U shud feem em cobnuts
		
Click to expand...


**** splutters ****


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## JenJ (28 October 2010)

thelwell_girl said:



			*booohooo*

No-ones answered my very most pressing questions 

Im gonna go cry into a bucket of whelks now 

Click to expand...

Ah, be patient mon petit chere. The great PF is the only one who can answer questions, and she has a backlog. 

I believe that if you buy her entire DVD back catalogue (RRP £17,875) then you get bumped up the list.


----------



## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

cougar said:



			Dear PF, I just adore KP's pink horse box! The problem I have is I can't possibly afford one like it. I do think however, I could stretch tp a respray of beanies trailer. The question I wish to put to you is do you think it reasonable to paint my richardson trailer a lush hot pink with bling in certain places??? Maybe some of those flash shiny hubs that carry on spinning when the wheels have stopped???
		
Click to expand...

Yes, pink and bling is always a good idea. I have a DVD available called 'Pimp my trailer' and it's available online for £56.99. All you need to know to create the perfect effect


----------



## Serenity087 (28 October 2010)

PF

I have recently got my pony back after being at uni.  I haven't ridden her in nearly four years... how long before I can go hunting again?

Also, I need to take a trailer test... can you recommend anyone who can teach me to drive a trailer AND text, at the same time?  I want to be just like my heroine, Katy Price.

Muchos love

KatiePriceHunter


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## Thelwell_Girl (28 October 2010)

JenJ said:



			Ah, be patient mon petit chere. The great PF is the only one who can answer questions, and she has a backlog. 

I believe that if you buy her entire DVD back catalogue (RRP £17,875) then you get bumped up the list.
		
Click to expand...

B-b-but... I'm in charge of the PF fan club!! I own ALL of the DVDs. 

and im not a stalker at all.....

I should get privileges, dammit.

*wails*


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

SJ_Superstars said:



			Thank you JenJ.  

My other question is what are these carrot sticks everyone seems to be going on about? My horse loves eating carrots so will he like carrot sticks too?
		
Click to expand...

Carrot sticks are so last year! You need a bananastick. A bananastick will enable you to establish a psychic connection with your horse merely by touching him with it. The harder you touch him, the stronge the psychic connection. That, and buying my entire DVD collection, with the BRAND NEW left-handed headcollar with the psychic antennae, the new, improved lungeline with the extra-heavy clip and the magic hoofpick with fairy dust.


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## dozzie (28 October 2010)

Dear PF

Doncha wish you never ever started this thread? 

Doncha? 

Doncha?


----------



## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

LadyRascasse said:



			Dearest PF,

my older gelding is currently lame but i don't want to miss out on any riding, would it be ok to bute him up and take him up the gallops and round the XC course anyway????

yours 

LR
		
Click to expand...

Yes, absolutely. Horses will not jump or gallop unless they want to, so as long as you don't have to whip him too hard, you'll be fine and he'll be grateful that you're trying so hard to keep him healthy. You truly are a wonderful owner, just like another client of mine, Annie Tryiton.


----------



## spotty_pony (28 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Carrot sticks are so last year! You need a bananastick. A bananastick will enable you to establish a psychic connection with your horse merely by touching him with it. The harder you touch him, the stronge the psychic connection. That, and buying my entire DVD collection, with the BRAND NEW left-handed headcollar with the psychic antennae, the new, improved lungeline with the extra-heavy clip and the magic hoofpick with fairy dust.
		
Click to expand...

Oooh now these banana sticks do sound interesting! Will have to get one of those, and also all of the other stuff you mentioned. Don't want to make it look like I am a sheep and that I'm copying you but I really think this method of training will work. We will have the strongest bond ever... and also because of a magic wand! Who would have thought it?!


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## LadyRascasse (28 October 2010)

dozzie said:



			Dear PF

Doncha wish you never ever started this thread? 

Doncha? 

Doncha?



Click to expand...

don't cha wish your gf was hot like me
don't cha wish your gf was a freak like me 
don't cha 

sorry couldn't resist!


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## brighteyes (28 October 2010)

Dear PF

I have *recently* gone from a size zero to twenty stone.  I can get on from the ramp I have built specially for the purpose but my pony (he's 12.2) won't let me lead him up to it now. I had the saddle checked four years ago but his back seems to have changed shape.  He never used to mind me riding him when he was 14 hands.  What shall I do?

Lardydahdiarse


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## Flame_ (28 October 2010)

Dear PF

I've just divorced my footballer husband and have decided to be a successful business horsewoman instead of a WAG. I have bought a big old dairy farm and will get the cow sheds turned into stables. Will my new found expertise suit me best setting up as the YO of a livery yard or a stud farm, or should I be a professional rider and train for the Olympics 2012? 

Moremoneythansense


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## spotty_pony (28 October 2010)

I think PF has got herself a full time job as resident HHO Agony Aunt!


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

nativeponies said:



			dear PF

I've noticed on this forum a certain sub-language which contains infantile speak such as "coblet", "doglet", "horsey" and "ponio"

is this possible to erradicate?

speakerofrealenglish
		
Click to expand...

*puts on teacher voice* These words derive from Spanish; Pony in Spanish is ponio, a coblet, or cobbo is a cob, a horsey is a horse, etc etc. People who use these terms are members of a society similar to the masons; they are called the Bunnyhuggeros. They use these words to identify eachother as TRUE lovers of all equines and using these words immediately makes horses love them more than they love anyone else. Bunnyhuggeros are not required to have any common sense or horse knowledge as long as they cuddle and kiss their ponios every day. Hope this answers your question  *secret handshake*


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

M_G said:



			Dear PF my horse has 3 thin legs and one big fat one should I be worried? I think it makes her look really sweet
		
Click to expand...

How ADORABLE!! I think you should go for the 4-fat leg look. You can obtain the knowhow for how to do this with the DVD entitled; "Legs, fat or thin" available for £99.


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## Bert&Maud (28 October 2010)

I'm sooooo worried about my horsey. He's 16 hands and 9 years old, and I lie awake all night wondering if he might be cold. It's about 14 degrees here tonight and he's in his heavyweight combo with an extra liner underneath and two neck covers, and I've also put his turn out socks on. But I'm so scared he might be chilly. I've got another even thicker rug that he could wear but it's purple which is SO last year. Should I bring him into the kitchen in front of the Aga for the night? He will fit through the front door because we brought him in to watch Badminton last year to see if he would pick up some tips.
Also he's quite spooky especially in the dark, do you think he could wear a head torch overnight so he could see that there was nothing to be scared of? It is so great that HHO has all knowing experts such as yourself to help us with our problems.
Neurotic Nelly


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## Thistle (28 October 2010)

SJ_Superstars said:



			I think PF has got herself a full time job as resident HHO Agony Aunt! 

Click to expand...


PF you have missed an opportunity, there should be a PAYPAL button at the bottom of each post that requires an answer.


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Thistle said:



			Dear PF

As we are neighbours I am becoming rather worried about the safety of my horses. I know they aren't left handed though so don't bother trying to sell me all that left handed kit!

Do you think the ponies might have eaten the missing pussy cat? I know it's good to give them a varied diet!

I've given the local psych team a ring and they'yy be around in a bit with your normal Thursday evening treatment. They did say they hope you haven't put on any weight this week though as the strait jacket has shrunk in the wash.

Yours Thistle xxx
		
Click to expand...

Dear Thistle
You only THINK the horses are not left-handed because you're not in touch with your inner ponio. I'm not going to explain; if you don't _get_ it's just because you haven't received the blessing of the bananastick and you'll never achieve true enlightenment *shakes head sadly*
As for the cat, Cleo ate it


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## Aperchristmastree (28 October 2010)

Oh god I can't stop screaming with laughter!!

My tb has learnt this really awesome new trick!!  He walks normally with three legs and then jumps and hops about!  He looks really cute.  I must be such an amazing horse owner to teach my horse how to hop.  Grand National here we come!!


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

boogles said:



			Nuffink rong wiv callin ma girlie a ponio.....shez 17.2 so itz a ponio aiiiiiiite!


PF anova qweztion 4 u......she az big blak fings between er back legs....are dey her energi storez? u kno camelz stor wata so poniez stor energi rite? and i dnt fink er cord woz cut propa az a baybe iva coz she az a big black umbilical sausage fing 2?
		
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Ur ponio iz a cow. Dose r udders.


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

nativeponies said:



			dear PF

i've been riding now for at least 5 years and have just mastered rising trot 

shall i put my name down for the RS jumping Derby?

everhopefuluselessrider
		
Click to expand...

At least. After 5 years I think you should aim for the olympics. You'll need my DVDs 'How to get to the Olympics and not as a volunteer' available for £1000)


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## TinselRider (28 October 2010)

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo









so i shud send er to mc donaldz den?


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

dozzie said:



			Dear PF

I am right-handed. Do you make a right-handed headcollar?
		
Click to expand...

You only THINK you're right-handed. Watching my DVD; 'How to reach your inner ponio' will enable you to liberate your left-handedness.


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

thelwell_girl said:



			Dear PF,


I have two problems which I think you should be able to answer for me.

1. I don't have a pony, but the other day I saw an Irish Wolfhound in the street, and it was waaaay bigger than a Shetland. Can I buy one and ride it to school? It's big enough that I can just put a t shirt and sunglasses on it and say it's a new student, so I won't have to worry about parking.

2. Am I doomed to forever be without a nice, handsome boyfriend? Am I putting them off because I smell of whelks and ponies?

Thank you.

Smellybellyponygirl
		
Click to expand...

Yes a wolfhound is perfectly rideable as long as you don't weigh more than 25 stone. Luckily I have a DVD set called 'Riding your Hound' available for £1200
Any man worth his seasalt will be wildly excited by the smell of whelk and ponio. I've attracted many a man after slapping a smoked kipper on my face. If they don't like it, they're just jealous.


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## dozzie (28 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			You only THINK you're right-handed. Watching my DVD; 'How to reach your inner ponio' will enable you to liberate your left-handedness.
		
Click to expand...

But I only have one arm. My right arm. The wrong one was bitten off by my gelding. The one I want to put in foal.


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

MrsMozart said:



			Oh thank you oh wonderful and splendiferous PF . Please may I join your secret society? I will wear your logo with pride and play games with my many headed horses (though hopefully soon to be slightly less headsome).

*wobbles off to search out puffball mushrooms*

**last seen running across the fields with police helicopter searchlight bouncing off great expanses of lard ar$e**

Note: Please send all secret society stuff to me c/o Her Majesty's Prison service....
		
Click to expand...

I'm afraid you'll have to train up through the 98 stages if you'd like to join my society. Each stage costs £2000.
**meets MrMozart whilst skipping, cackling, across the fields**


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## Bert&Maud (28 October 2010)

nativeponies said:



			dear PF

i've been riding now for at least 5 years and have just mastered rising trot 

shall i put my name down for the RS jumping Derby?

everhopefuluselessrider
		
Click to expand...

I would say that after 5 years it was probably time you got off your pony and gave him a bit of a rest. Sorry PF, don't mean to doubt your expertise but personally I think 7 hours is long enough.


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Groom42 said:



			Dear PF, my frend took me to a sale last week - god, it was soooooooo cheepeeee, I got two really cute baby horses for fifty pense! If id nown how cheep they wer id of got some ages ago. They are all cute and flufy, with big fat tummies - someone has reely loved them and given them lots to eat. As there so little they can go in my garden - dont worry ive moved the patio stuff, lol! neways, my frend said they need nuts to eat, so I went to that nut shop in town, but got confussed coz there was so any diffrent sorts,lol! Shud i get brasils, or wud warnuts be better?
Lovemycuties
		
Click to expand...

Ur SOOOOOO lucky!! I bet ur ponios r reeeallyyyyyyy cuuuuuuuuuuute. The'll b fine on ur patio. Use ur funitur to kep dem in. Just rmeber to fed den 5 times a day. brasil nuts r best, but dey hav to b covad in choclat.


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## 3DE (28 October 2010)

Dear PF

How do I convince my boyfriend I'm not a devient when I clean my stallion's willy. Stallion appears to enjoy it - but this just makes it easier to get the crust off. I think the poor chap was a bit horrified. Will you help me explain that it is perfectly normal and stallion isn't really enjoying it - he is perfectly capable of getting himself off doing belly slaps 

Thankyou

furrydeviant


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Thistle said:



			Maybe just leave off the sloe gin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
		
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It's not ready yet!! I haven't even got any wine!


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## Whoopit (28 October 2010)

Dear PF

Thank God I've found you on here!

I have a gorgeous jet black Thoroughbred. He's 16.1hh, is just about 2.5yrs old and he raced until beginning of August. Do you think a horse that has only run on the flat will actually know how to jump or will I have to teach him how to do this myself?

Many Thanks In Advance

wasteofspace


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## Thelwell_Girl (28 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Yes a wolfhound is perfectly rideable as long as you don't weigh more than 25 stone. Luckily I have a DVD set called 'Riding your Hound' available for £1200
Any man worth his seasalt will be wildly excited by the smell of whelk and ponio. I've attracted many a man after slapping a smoked kipper on my face. If they don't like it, they're just jealous.
		
Click to expand...

1. YAY! Do you accept book vouchers? Euros? Cake?

2. OHHH! I've been rubbing salmon in my hair all this while! Now I know it should have been kippers.

(On a separate note, my uncle once nailed a kipper behind the safe of a particularly nasty college professor... To this day no one knows what caused that smell )

*gambles off to defenestrate in celebration*


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## Colleen_Miss_Tom (28 October 2010)

Dear PF, 

My ponio is just too F^&%king strong she iz puling my arms way to much goin into the 1.80 jump, my instructor told me to try barb wire in her mouth, do you fink this wud work ? 

hotsexybabe


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Snoozinsusan said:








What colour is he?
I bought this beautiful Fresian x Lippizanner last month.  Only cost £9,848.95, what a bargain!  Seller assured me he'll be at Olympia at Xmas. (She temporarily misplaced the passport but now says it's in the post).
What class shall I enter him in?
He makes a strange noise sometimes, can be heard miles away.  Is this normal? Sounds a bit like 'hee-haw'. Maybe he's just having a laugh. 

Click to expand...

Your horse is gooooorgeous, I'm sure he must be VERY well bred and WHAT a bargain. I think he looks a bit like Totilas. As for the noise.. I think he must be trying to communicate with you; if it's not clear in a few days what he's saying, I can talk to him for £2300. You can put him on the phone and I'll have a word


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## Cedars (28 October 2010)

dozzie said:



			But I only have one arm. My right arm. The wrong one was bitten off by my gelding. The one I want to put in foal.

Click to expand...

OH my god this made me scream.


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

thelwell_girl said:



			*booohooo*

No-ones answered my very most pressing questions 

Im gonna go cry into a bucket of whelks now 

Click to expand...

I have answered; it's taking me ages to get through all posts. *Thank you for waiting. Your post is very important to us. We will answer all posts as soon as possible*


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## joeanne (28 October 2010)

Bet Dozzie wasn't too quiet at the time either!!!!

Dear PF,

My horse seems to come up short in front. I did saw a bit off the backs but now he is totally wonky.....what should I do

Yours truely
Stumpy


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

zebedee said:



			Dear PF,
           My shetlands are sweating under their heavyweight combo rugs. Should I clip them?
    shouldntevenownahamster
		
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Awwww, how cute!! If you clip them they might get cold. Chuck another couple of rugs on; in the Shetlands they are regularly brought into farmhouse kitchens at nights fed high-energy food and placed in front of the Aga because they are delicate flowers.


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

JenJ said:



			I believe that if you buy her entire DVD back catalogue (RRP £17,875) then you get bumped up the list.
		
Click to expand...

Yep, that'll do it


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## Bert&Maud (28 October 2010)

.... do you ever wish you hadn't started something!! I hope you don't have to get up for work in the morning. Perhaps you can work flexitime while manufacturing bananasticks and left handed headcollars! You could hand out numbers like in the deli queue at Morrisons so peoples questions get answered in order!


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## Colleen_Miss_Tom (28 October 2010)

Dear PF 

N E word of U answein MY F$%£KING post LMAO !! 

STOP makin fun ov me biaetch ! 


fanks    LMAO ! 


hotsexybabe


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Harper_Gal said:



			PF

I have recently got my pony back after being at uni.  I haven't ridden her in nearly four years... how long before I can go hunting again?

Also, I need to take a trailer test... can you recommend anyone who can teach me to drive a trailer AND text, at the same time?  I want to be just like my heroine, Katy Price.

Muchos love

KatiePriceHunter
		
Click to expand...

Get straight back on; she'll have exercised herself in the field and will be fit to hunt. 
Ahhh, driving and texting is NOT an easily acquired skill. Fortunately I have a hypnosis CD that will effortlessly teach you and it's available for £2500


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## Thistle (28 October 2010)

Ok, Ive got it now. Cleo the cat is obviously in charge of the computer tonight,

BTW I've nearly finished the first bottle of sloe gin (hic) who needs it to be ready anyway?


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## Thelwell_Girl (28 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			I have answered; it's taking me ages to get through all posts. *Thank you for waiting. Your post is very important to us. We will answer all posts as soon as possible*
		
Click to expand...

Thaaaank yyyoooouuuu


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

dozzie said:



			Dear PF

Doncha wish you never ever started this thread? 

Doncha? 

Doncha?



Click to expand...

Well, I really should be getting to bed, but I owe it to my loyal fans to teach them what I know at tiptop rates...


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

SJ_Superstars said:



			Oooh now these banana sticks do sound interesting! Will have to get one of those, and also all of the other stuff you mentioned. Don't want to make it look like I am a sheep and that I'm copying you but I really think this method of training will work. We will have the strongest bond ever... and also because of a magic wand! Who would have thought it?!
		
Click to expand...

You ARE a sheep; you are a part of my flock and I am your shepherd. With my guidance you will achieve true enlightenment and one-ness with your horsey-o.


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## DarkHorseB (28 October 2010)

Thistle said:



			Ok, Ive got it now. Cleo the cat is obviously in charge of the computer tonight,

BTW I've nearly finished the first bottle of sloe gin (hic) who needs it to be ready anyway?
		
Click to expand...

Right now for the IMPORTANT stuff. Does sloe gin not take about 3 months? My damson gin is brewing and I was reckoning not reasy till January

until then a banana stick and left handed headcollar should sort all my problems  (That's just to stop me drinking it)


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

brighteyes said:



			Dear PF

I have *recently* gone from a size zero to twenty stone.  I can get on from the ramp I have built specially for the purpose but my pony (he's 12.2) won't let me lead him up to it now. I had the saddle checked four years ago but his back seems to have changed shape.  He never used to mind me riding him when he was 14 hands.  What shall I do?

Lardydahdiarse
		
Click to expand...

Hmmm, well, I'd like to congratulate you for challenging social stereotypes and putting on a healthy amount of weight; size zero just isn't right. I'm sure your saddle is fine and all you need to do is lure him to the ramp with some food. I expect the changes in his back are just the usual changes that horses and ponies go through during the changing seasons as they put on and lose weight.


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Flame_ said:



			Dear PF

I've just divorced my footballer husband and have decided to be a successful business horsewoman instead of a WAG. I have bought a big old dairy farm and will get the cow sheds turned into stables. Will my new found expertise suit me best setting up as the YO of a livery yard or a stud farm, or should I be a professional rider and train for the Olympics 2012? 

Moremoneythansense
		
Click to expand...

Well done for empowering yourself and ditching your husband. I'm sure he deserved it and I hope you got at least 50% of his dosh. I think you should date someone a bit more interesting like... say... a cross-dressing cage-fighter, launch a range of pink velour clothing and star in a reality show. You can fit the riding around your business commitments and I'm sure you'll be ready for 2012. Good luck!!


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Tass said:



			I'm sooooo worried about my horsey. He's 16 hands and 9 years old, and I lie awake all night wondering if he might be cold. It's about 14 degrees here tonight and he's in his heavyweight combo with an extra liner underneath and two neck covers, and I've also put his turn out socks on. But I'm so scared he might be chilly. I've got another even thicker rug that he could wear but it's purple which is SO last year. Should I bring him into the kitchen in front of the Aga for the night? He will fit through the front door because we brought him in to watch Badminton last year to see if he would pick up some tips.
Also he's quite spooky especially in the dark, do you think he could wear a head torch overnight so he could see that there was nothing to be scared of? It is so great that HHO has all knowing experts such as yourself to help us with our problems.
Neurotic Nelly
		
Click to expand...

Oh dear, I think you might be right; 14 degrees is VERY cold indeed. Yes, definitely put him in front of the Aga and rub his legs to get the circulation going. I don't think a headtorch will be powerful enough; you'll have to invest in floodlighting the whole field.


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Thistle said:



			PF you have missed an opportunity, there should be a PAYPAL button at the bottom of each post that requires an answer.
		
Click to expand...

LOL!! Yes


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

apercrumbie said:



			Oh god I can't stop screaming with laughter!!

My tb has learnt this really awesome new trick!!  He walks normally with three legs and then jumps and hops about!  He looks really cute.  I must be such an amazing horse owner to teach my horse how to hop.  Grand National here we come!!
		
Click to expand...

That's sooo cuteeee!! You're so lucky and clever. LOADS of three-legged horses have run in the Grand National, in fact it was one by a horse called The Tripod in 1621!! Good luck!!


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

boogles said:



			ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo









so i shud send er to mc donaldz den?
		
Click to expand...

Nah, u need my DVD; How 2 meik my cow in2 an ors. Only £3000


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

dozzie said:



			But I only have one arm. My right arm. The wrong one was bitten off by my gelding. The one I want to put in foal.

Click to expand...

But if you watch my DVDs then your right arm will _become_ your left arm.... sortid.


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Tass said:



			I would say that after 5 years it was probably time you got off your pony and gave him a bit of a rest. Sorry PF, don't mean to doubt your expertise but personally I think 7 hours is long enough.
		
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LMAO dammit I should've thought of that!!!


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## brighteyes (28 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Hmmm, well, I'd like to congratulate you for challenging social stereotypes and putting on a healthy amount of weight; size zero just isn't right. I'm sure your saddle is fine and all you need to do is lure him to the ramp with some food. I expect the changes in his back are just the usual changes that horses and ponies go through during the changing seasons as they put on and lose weight.
		
Click to expand...

Phew!  That's good news.  I'm finding him much easier to groom now his back is lower.  Plus, now he's no longer 14 hands, I can get to jump him against the little ponies.  Double whammy!

Lardydahdiarse


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## andraste (28 October 2010)

Dear PF

In the run up to a recent show I noticed several of the horses on my yard had plaits in their manes.  This means they will be stolen doesn't it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Should I call the police or just ask my animal communicator to sort it out?


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Inky_and_Sunny said:



			Dear PF

How do I convince my boyfriend I'm not a devient when I clean my stallion's willy. Stallion appears to enjoy it - but this just makes it easier to get the crust off. I think the poor chap was a bit horrified. Will you help me explain that it is perfectly normal and stallion isn't really enjoying it - he is perfectly capable of getting himself off doing belly slaps 

Thankyou

furrydeviant
		
Click to expand...

Assuming you and your stallion are consenting adults then there is nothing wrong with you doing a bit of willy-cleaning on the side. Your bf may be jealous; perhaps you could invite him to share the willy-cleaning so he doesn't feel left out?


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## Aperchristmastree (28 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			That's sooo cuteeee!! You're so lucky and clever. LOADS of three-legged horses have run in the Grand National, in fact it was one by a horse called The Tripod in 1621!! Good luck!!
		
Click to expand...

I have just had an even better idea!  Since my amazingness has taught my tb to hop, do you reckon I should teach him to hip and then put him on X Factor?  I don't think they have enough hip-hop horses on there.


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## TinselRider (28 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Nah, u need my DVD; How 2 meik my cow in2 an ors. Only £3000
		
Click to expand...

 U can do such fingz??? 

u













IZ




























JEZUZ


INNIT!


----------



## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Whoopit said:



			Dear PF

Thank God I've found you on here!

I have a gorgeous jet black Thoroughbred. He's 16.1hh, is just about 2.5yrs old and he raced until beginning of August. Do you think a horse that has only run on the flat will actually know how to jump or will I have to teach him how to do this myself?

Many Thanks In Advance

wasteofspace
		
Click to expand...

Thoroughbreds all know how to jump; just make sure you go really _really_ fast towards the fence and just as you get to it flap your arms yelling "Yeeehhhhaaaa!" because that's the instruction for them to jump. Of course you won't be able to jump properly unless your horse is wearing a sheepskin half-pad and ear covers.


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

thelwell_girl said:



			1. YAY! Do you accept book vouchers? Euros? Cake?

2. OHHH! I've been rubbing salmon in my hair all this while! Now I know it should have been kippers.

(On a separate note, my uncle once nailed a kipper behind the safe of a particularly nasty college professor... To this day no one knows what caused that smell )

*gambles off to defenestrate in celebration*
		
Click to expand...

Fish are friends, not food


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Colleen_Miss_Tom said:



			Dear PF, 

My ponio is just too F^&%king strong she iz puling my arms way to much goin into the 1.80 jump, my instructor told me to try barb wire in her mouth, do you fink this wud work ? 

hotsexybabe
		
Click to expand...

Onlee if u uze it as a flash. I fink u need 2 b goin fasster TBH.


----------



## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Tass said:



			.... do you ever wish you hadn't started something!! I hope you don't have to get up for work in the morning. Perhaps you can work flexitime while manufacturing bananasticks and left handed headcollars! You could hand out numbers like in the deli queue at Morrisons so peoples questions get answered in order!
		
Click to expand...

Hmm, perhaps I should've left it for tomorrow evening, I have to get up at 5.30!!


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Thistle said:



			Ok, Ive got it now. Cleo the cat is obviously in charge of the computer tonight,

BTW I've nearly finished the first bottle of sloe gin (hic) who needs it to be ready anyway?
		
Click to expand...

Well duuuuh!! Of course she is!! And the TV remote 
I'm going to have a wee dram then...


----------



## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

andraste said:



			Dear PF

In the run up to a recent show I noticed several of the horses on my yard had plaits in their manes.  This means they will be stolen doesn't it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Should I call the police or just ask my animal communicator to sort it out?
		
Click to expand...

I'm so glad you asked this question. Plaits are of course a HUGE concern and yes, I'm afraid it does mean that your horse will be stolen imminently. There are no records of this actually happening, but I'm sure that's all fabrication and the people who say the opposite are just jealous. These horse thieves are very very sophisticated; taking a photo on a cameraphone is not for them. Luckily just unraveling the plait is enough to thwart their cunning plans as this makes them unable to remember anything about the appearance of the horse that they were planning to steal.
The police so far have shown very little interest in this matter, and continue to insist there is no basis for the alarm so definitely speak to an animal communicator. You should be able to find a good one in the yellow pages. Good luck!


----------



## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

apercrumbie said:



			I have just had an even better idea!  Since my amazingness has taught my tb to hop, do you reckon I should teach him to hip and then put him on X Factor?  I don't think they have enough hip-hop horses on there.
		
Click to expand...

I think you should make him sing. I don't think he could possibly be any worse than VVVVVagner.


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## Thelwell_Girl (28 October 2010)

boogles said:



 U can do such fingz??? 

u



IZ



JEZUZ


INNIT!
		
Click to expand...

Actually, there is a video, somewhere in the wilds of the YouTube that infact proves that my friend Tara is the messiah. And that I am Marilyn Monroe.

So there!

PF - but.... They are tasty! How can something be tasty and us not be allowed to eat it?????????


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

boogles said:



 U can do such fingz??? 

u













IZ




























JEZUZ


INNIT!
		
Click to expand...

Shhhhhhh!!! Don't go _telling_ everyone... you know how it ended last time!!!


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

thelwell_girl said:



			Actually, there is a video, somewhere in the wilds of the YouTube that intact proves that my friend Tara is the messiah. And that I am Marilyn monroe.

So there!

PF - but.... They are tasty! How can something be tasty and us not be allowed to eat it?????????
		
Click to expand...

Oh, well, in that case... munch away


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## PapaFrita (28 October 2010)

Right, I'm going to bed with one of my inspirational DVDs. Happy to answer any further questions tomorrow. Remember; Feeel your inner horse!!


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## Aperchristmastree (28 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			I think you should make him sing. I don't think he could possibly be any worse than VVVVVagner.
		
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Excuse me, are you saying that my horse is bad at singing?  He was singing beautifully earlier when I left him all on his own in the field.  The windows on the house next door were cracking with the beautifulness.  I'm now teaching him to rap.  He's quite good actually, although I think I need a banana stick.  Do you have any DVD's to help?


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## miss_bird (29 October 2010)

Now i have a very serious question, i have got my very expensive 17'2" WB horse down to competition weight, it was very hard and i had to do the following
NO hard feed
1 handful of hi-fi lite once a week
stabled 24/7 rubber matting and shavings (no extra calories there)
but my problem is now that she is nearly at the correct weight about 200kg (i know that is still a bit over weight) as i can see all her bones but there is still some wobbling stuff around her belly.
But when i am riding and jumping her (not high only about 5ft) she keeps falling in a heap in the ground and then i have to get off and beat her till she gets up.
I know she is laying down to avoid work, but if i have to suffer for fashion (very proud size -2) she can stay on her diet to keep competition fit.
But how do i stop her having these tantrums and refusing to work.
skinandbones


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## Natch (29 October 2010)

Dear PF 

Can I eat all the chocolate in the world and actually get thinner on the chocolate diet?


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## YorksG (29 October 2010)

Chocolate eaten in the dark doesn't count as calories, so you will be fine if you eat chocolate with the lights off


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

apercrumbie said:



			Excuse me, are you saying that my horse is bad at singing?  He was singing beautifully earlier when I left him all on his own in the field.  The windows on the house next door were cracking with the beautifulness.  I'm now teaching him to rap.  He's quite good actually, although I think I need a banana stick.  Do you have any DVD's to help?
		
Click to expand...

Not at all, I'm sure he sings like a lark, but even if he brayed he could win x-factor (or come second to Matt  ) If he raps, make sure to pluck his eyebrows first.


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

miss_bird said:



			Now i have a very serious question, i have got my very expensive 17'2" WB horse down to competition weight, it was very hard and i had to do the following
NO hard feed
1 handful of hi-fi lite once a week
stabled 24/7 rubber matting and shavings (no extra calories there)
but my problem is now that she is nearly at the correct weight about 200kg (i know that is still a bit over weight) as i can see all her bones but there is still some wobbling stuff around her belly.
But when i am riding and jumping her (not high only about 5ft) she keeps falling in a heap in the ground and then i have to get off and beat her till she gets up.
I know she is laying down to avoid work, but if i have to suffer for fashion (very proud size -2) she can stay on her diet to keep competition fit.
But how do i stop her having these tantrums and refusing to work.
skinandbones
		
Click to expand...

Hmmm, I'm sorry to say that as she's a WB you may just have to tolerate the quirky behaviour although you could try a calmer. Sadly this might cause her to put on a bit of weight as it contains extra calories, but if she can still move, then she's fine.


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

Naturally said:



			Dear PF 

Can I eat all the chocolate in the world and actually get thinner on the chocolate diet?
		
Click to expand...

Ah, well, I have it on good authority that when you're fence judging, poo picking or mucking out, calories don't count so if you do that regularly you can eat ANYthing you like and lose weight


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

yorksG said:



			Chocolate eaten in the dark doesn't count as calories, so you will be fine if you eat chocolate with the lights off 

Click to expand...

Yes, that as well


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

Thanks everyone for your questions and messages of support. It's lovely to see so many caring owners. I'm off to work now (I'm a faith healer) but will be back this afternoon to talk about my new book and exercise DVD. Later!!


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## SusannaF (29 October 2010)

dozzie said:



			If I got him in foal I would want more than 15k!  My friend has a colt, not sure how it is bred. I think it is ShetlandxShire. Do you think that would do? it stands at about 8hh and is 4 ft wide. Do you think I would get an apaloosa?
		
Click to expand...

This is really great news! I just started up a registry for Coffee-table-loosas because it's a new breed from America based on ancient bloodlines which can be traced all the way back to the Spanish Conquest of Indonesia! The horses are all 8hh, four foot wide and spotted or brindled and must be able to have a full set of coffee cups, side plates, a coffee pot, a cow creamer and a cake stand set on their backs on doilys AND a freshly ironed table cloth. Then they must do reining patterns. The coffee-table-loosa is a working horse, not just a show horse, and their pedigrees have been recorded orally by wandering cowboys for thousands of years. 
Tell your friend it only costs £493 to register with the European Coffee-table-loosa Society, and for that she'll get a passport and a laminated doily.


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## Baggybreeches (29 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Shhhhhhh!!! Don't go _telling_ everyone... you know how it ended last time!!! 

Click to expand...

*snort*


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## LadyRascasse (29 October 2010)

Dearest PF

the lame gelding i mentioned last night, is a tiny bit on the *hem* larger side! but he loves his food and i couldn't bear for poor joey-woey not to have his breakfast/brunch/elevenis/lunch/afternoon tea/dinner and supper. what should i do to help him lose his spare tyre?? 

yours

idon'toverfeedidon't!


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## Kenzo (29 October 2010)

lol brilliant post, just what you need on Friday, although I'll have to come back at lunch and read the rest.


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## nativetyponies (29 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			*puts on teacher voice* These words derive from Spanish; Pony in Spanish is ponio, a coblet, or cobbo is a cob, a horsey is a horse, etc etc. People who use these terms are members of a society similar to the masons; they are called the Bunnyhuggeros. They use these words to identify eachother as TRUE lovers of all equines and using these words immediately makes horses love them more than they love anyone else. Bunnyhuggeros are not required to have any common sense or horse knowledge as long as they cuddle and kiss their ponios every day. Hope this answers your question  *secret handshake*
		
Click to expand...

ROFL

"BUNNYHUGGEROS"....that has to be THE word of this thread...PMSL


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## Colleen_Miss_Tom (29 October 2010)

Dear PF, 

sori but ma behaviur last nite but i iz aloud cuz i am onli 14 roflmfao innit

but fanks for answerin ma question . respeck

xxxXXxxXXhotsexybabeXxXxXxX


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## a_e_d (29 October 2010)

Dear PF

If the tube strike goes ahead next week, I would like to ride my horse into work - will I have to pay congestion charge?

Also, am I better off taking him in the lift, or up the stairs to get him into my office? 

Thank you! 
confused_commuter


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## Trotting (29 October 2010)

PF, 

I bought a 16 month old colt yesterday and today I decided to see if he was worth the £10 I spent.
Hacking down the road he began to rear and jump about like a kangaroo.
I know his sire was called "Bouncing Boomer", but seller refused to show me any images.
What do you recommend, I hope he isn't a mutation!


----------



## TTK (29 October 2010)

PF, you have reduced me to tears of laughter. This thread is a book in the making.


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## lostmymarbles (29 October 2010)

Dear PF

Six weeks ago I had a saddle fitter out to my horse. I hadn't used them before, but they came highly recommened by my new back person and vets.  They told me that the horse that I have had for ten years and has always worn a saddle that was too big for him, it was  a medium wide and was checked every six months by my old saddle fitter who said it was  a perfect fit. Horse has never had a sore back or a day off with lameness.

I now have a brand new narrow fitting saddle, which saddle fitter advised I needed a sheepskin pad and prolite under as well. For the last few weeks horse has been pulling horrible faces at me when I girth him up, last week it tried to kick and bite me when I took his saddle in the stable, he also feels really odd to ride, stride feels very short and horse just wont canter, that is when I can get on, he has started to rear up when I take him near the mounting block.

Has horse just turned mardy, should I just show him who is boss and carry on?

thank you,

moremoneythansense


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## Pasha (29 October 2010)

One of the best threads on here in years


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## scatty_mare (29 October 2010)

Dear PF 

I read with interest your insightful and educated replies to the questions of a whole lot of morons yesterday, and I thought that perhaps, if demand for your wisdom became overwhelming, I might be able to offer some advice to these idiots and help ease your burden.

Allow me to introduce myself. I have a horse. He is a good horse and I paid £15,000 for him as a 9 year old because he has amazing show jumping bloodlines but luckily he hasn't ever competed, what a bargain! He has a lovely life. I have him because I enjoy hunting, and he is a very lucky horse because he has a lot of time off. He is on holiday all summer  although sometimes I drag him out of the field to see how high we can jump (4'9 is our best!! If there is no-one to lead him over he stops at the jumps so I beat him a bit, but then if I fall off I give up). 
During the hunting season we hunt every 2 weeks, and lucky boy, he has all the time in between off to relax in his nice field. He is clipped out completely because I like him to look smart for hunting, but I dont like mucking out so he lives out in the field.  He is a lucky horse because he has 2 rugs, one for inside and one for outside!
My groom (she reckons she is a livery but I like to remind her of her place by calling her my little groom, winking and once I patted her bottom but she told me where to go! She has such an attitude, I love it!) says I need to get a thicker one and that this one isnt waterproof any more and has holes in and he gets cold out at night in the winter. But its alright for her spending my money, honestly, these horsey girls think they can say anything, cheeky little wenches! 
Anyway I always bring him in for a day and a night before we go hunting and hose him completely then put on his other rug, an extra warm stable rug. This is so that his hair will lie flat when we go hunting, because when I bring him in from the field it is often sticking up a bit and doesnt look so smart. It also means that he stops shivering by the time we go, and it means I can fill him full of food so that he has lots of energy and prances a lot and makes me look like a really good rider, think John Wayne! It makes the ladies swoon, and everyone wishes they could ride like me!
The day before a hunt I give him barley rings, competition mix and sugar beet which I sometimes forget to soak. Hes a good boy though, and never complains. People say he needs fibre but I think they pamper their horses too much. He has hay, and I usually pick out the mouldy bits I can see. Sometimes one small haynet will last him weeks! What a good boy.
Sometimes he can be very strong which I dont like as much as the prancing so I ride him in a myler combination bit which means I can really lean on the reins to balance and this pulls his nose into in chest and makes him (and me!) look even more handsome. He did have a bit of a rotational fall at a hedge last year riding like this  what a silly boy! At least it taught him not to do that again! 
Because I look after him so well and dont treat him in a namby pamby way he has never been lame! The only problem he has sometimes is that when we are hunting he can get a bit of a nosebleed, from both of his nostrils, and then  really annoyingly  the master normally sends me home. It makes me so cross! All 4 times it has happened hes been fine when weve got home! Ive even taken him for a gallop up the road to check! And nothing! Bah! I didnt realise even hunting folk could be so full of nonsense!
My groom has 2 ex-racehorses  cheap rubbish  and they seem to keep getting injured. I think its in her head because she enjoys mucking out and having them on box rest. She was really cross when I temporarily borrowed her electric fence for my chickens  for godsakes, why so possessive! And just because it was separating her horse from mine she now says my horse has kicked hers (she says thats why they were separated, I think she just likes making work for herself) and now the horse has a broken leg  poppycock! My horse would NEVER kick another one, hes a good boy! Anyway, I think that shes just a bit of a scaredy cat and needs to stop mollycoddling him and get on and ride him! Like all women riders she likes mucking out and brushing tails more than actually galloping over country! She does silly posh stuff with her horses like dressage and eventing anyway which everyone knows is a waste of time.
I cant understand it! Anyway, when I said that the horse with a so-called broken leg would be better off dead anyway, and that she should get herself a nice hardy horse like mine, she didnt seem to like it. Perhaps you could explain why, dear PF?

Anyway, enough of my ramblings. Its the opening meet tomorrow so Id better go and shove some more M&S flapjacks down my horses gullet, what a lovely idea, thank you!

Yours, 
Jammychauvinistsexpest


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## FairyLights (29 October 2010)

papafrita said:



			*puts on teacher voice* these words derive from spanish; pony in spanish is ponio, a coblet, or cobbo is a cob, a horsey is a horse, etc etc. People who use these terms are members of a society similar to the masons; they are called the bunnyhuggeros. They use these words to identify eachother as true lovers of all equines and using these words immediately makes horses love them more than they love anyone else. Bunnyhuggeros are not required to have any common sense or horse knowledge as long as they cuddle and kiss their ponios every day. Hope this answers your question  *secret handshake*
		
Click to expand...

 :d :dpriceless :d :d


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## Queenbee87 (29 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			"Dear PF
My mare rushes fences with her head in the air. The fences are about 20cms. She's been like this for 4 years (was like this with her previous owner) and her only speed is warp. What can I do to slow her down? Can I use draw-reins? I've been riding for 2 weeks and can almost do rising trot.

Speeddemon"

Dear Speeddemon
Yes, definitely use draw reins and also the strongest bit you can find; a pelham with just one rein (bottom ring!) should do the trick. If you can put it on upside down, it's even more effective. Don't forget to strap her mouth shut with a flash or grakle, fitted just above the nostrils and use a standing martingale. Attach the martingale to the flash (bottom strap) for maximum effect.
		
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PF if you're going to offer someone advice, at least make it proper advice. In this situation Speeddemon should ride totally off the draw reins (bottom ring!) and not bother with "normal" reins!


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## brighteyes (29 October 2010)

Gosh, I'm learning soooo much on here!  Here's a tip for you peeps; leave the tack on overnight before hunting or a show as it saves time getting ready in the morning.  If you cover it with a king size duvet and a nice thick over-rug to keep it all in place, the horse washes itself clean overnight!  Don't give them any feed after putting the bridle on as it gets the bit dirty and you don't get the lean, fit 'hunter look' quite so well.


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## Kat (29 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Remember a pony is not just for Christmas so you must keep it until the New Year. Yes, you can keep in a field or even in a small garden. You can feed bread as long as it's wholemeal or at least a bit brown. I'm glad you've got a saddal (please spell it correctly) and bridal; as long as you like the colour, it'll be fine. Make sure it's comfortable though!! You should a Welsh section A for your kids or failing that, a lipizzaner (they always come in white)
		
Click to expand...


Deer PF, 

y carnt pepul on dis fourum spel???? Evrywon nose u spel it saddull n brydull. R u fik or sumit???? 

urs 

ill-it-eer-rut


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

SusannaF said:



			This is really great news! I just started up a registry for Coffee-table-loosas because it's a new breed from America based on ancient bloodlines which can be traced all the way back to the Spanish Conquest of Indonesia! The horses are all 8hh, four foot wide and spotted or brindled and must be able to have a full set of coffee cups, side plates, a coffee pot, a cow creamer and a cake stand set on their backs on doilys AND a freshly ironed table cloth. Then they must do reining patterns. The coffee-table-loosa is a working horse, not just a show horse, and their pedigrees have been recorded orally by wandering cowboys for thousands of years. 
Tell your friend it only costs £493 to register with the European Coffee-table-loosa Society, and for that she'll get a passport and a laminated doily.
		
Click to expand...

That's great! And a bargain!! As you are aware it's always a very good idea to have your horse registered as it makes them worth double! I have mine regsitered with the Buzzy Bay Bint society (also accepts mare AND geldings of a more placid disposition) and the Little Cigar with the Looks Like a Llama but it Neighs So We'll Call it a Horse Society


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

LadyRascasse said:



			Dearest PF

the lame gelding i mentioned last night, is a tiny bit on the *hem* larger side! but he loves his food and i couldn't bear for poor joey-woey not to have his breakfast/brunch/elevenis/lunch/afternoon tea/dinner and supper. what should i do to help him lose his spare tyre?? 

yours

idon'toverfeedidon't!
		
Click to expand...

You musn't deprive poor Joey-woey of any meals as this will make him depressed and hate you. I'm afraid you'll just have to invest in liposuction and then in my soon-to-be-released DVD set (£8900) Think Your Horse Thin. With the power of your mind you will be able to make your horse lose any excessive pounds. You won't get to HOYS though.


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## WHISKEYMAC (29 October 2010)

dEar PF,
hope you can help. wE r a familey of 5(wife and 3 lovley but large kids). wE wonted to find a horse 4 me and my wife 2 ride and the kids to feed polos and carrots all weekends and holidays by hand so it got frienley wiv us. wE went to a dealer pimpmyhorse.com i think it was. vEry nice man who had all 6 of his horses in a mickanical round pen 4 when we arrived(think he called it a bob o walker. wE pick out one he called F B think it was short for flippin beautie. hE waz so kind that he lunjed it for a least 1/2 an hour so we could realley sea it move. i Decided to ride it as i had the most expearience(used to ride donkies on skeggie beach all through summer holidays when i was a kid). iT was very sweaty when i got on him so only did a medium walk on a loose rain. wE asked the kind man how much he said £8000 4 cash but that wud go up next week as it wud be more better schooled. wE did not have F B vetted as so expensive(£80 2 put the dog down coz we were getting a horse) any way my wife has read 2 books about horses so she new wot we were lookin 4.
i Now need some answers if you can help
1. F B chews the door and sucks in air. sHall i put chilli sauce on top of the door?
2. he moves his head from side 2 side. tHe man sed he did this at feed times but he seems to do it all the time now. dO i stand at 1 side of his box and clout him when his head cums my way?
3. He has like a wart near his ear, the nice man said it was like a teen age spot and wud go but it has got bigger. sHall i get 1 of my dawters hare bobbels and put it round tite so the bllod dus not get 2 it?
4. when i try 2 hack him F B only goes about 500 yards then wants 2 cum back home also he is fritened in traffic. i have a mate with an artic lorry shall i tie him to it and get hime to pull next to it and how long shud it take to get used to it 2,3,4 hours?
5.i bought a do ally head coller off ebaythe one with heavy buckle, i thought i could ride him in it as well so i wud not have 2 go in to the exspence of buying 1 of those metal things to go in his mouth but he is nervous when i go to put it on.shud i show him that i am an alfa-A male and crack him with the buckel end before i try it on?
6. when my sun(6 year old) goes in the stabul F B tries to kick him. do i get Kevin to kick him first so he knows not to do it?
7. i like the idea of the bannana stick. do i waft it round head or do i get my wife to ram it up his ar** to make him respond to my aids?
8. with the price of hay i have been feeding grass cuttings(not that daft,have limited him to 6 scoops a day) along side his competion mix. is this enough or cud i give him more?

please send me the box set of dvd's as am stuck 4 xmas pressies for my wife and kids
kind regrets your beloved new disciple Wayne John Smiths


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

Colleen_Miss_Tom said:



			Dear PF, 

sori but ma behaviur last nite but i iz aloud cuz i am onli 14 roflmfao innit

but fanks for answerin ma question . respeck

xxxXXxxXXhotsexybabeXxXxXxX
		
Click to expand...

Ees qwait arrite, innit. I no use sum1's dorter so im gonna b nais 2 yasssssssss


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## Echo Bravo (29 October 2010)

Gosh you should think about starting up in America, I think you would go over like a storm in a teacup, they love this sort of thing.


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## SusannaF (29 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			That's great! And a bargain!! As you are aware it's always a very good idea to have your horse registered as it makes them worth double! I have mine regsitered with the Buzzy Bay Bint society (also accepts mare AND geldings of a more placid disposition) and the Little Cigar with the Looks Like a Llama but it Neighs So We'll Call it a Horse Society 

Click to expand...

Don't forget to tick the box which says "I want my horse to do stallion testing". If your horse passes the test, you can stand it at stud and he can have at least a hundred foals a year. The stallion test is multiple choice, so not too hard for your horse.


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

emmandandy said:



			Dear PF

If the tube strike goes ahead next week, I would like to ride my horse into work - will I have to pay congestion charge?

Also, am I better off taking him in the lift, or up the stairs to get him into my office? 

Thank you! 
confused_commuter
		
Click to expand...

Nope, you won't have to  pay the congestion charge but if he farts in the Low Emissions Zone you could be fined so I suggest a large cork! Good luck!! 
Oh sorry, forgot to say that you should probably park him in the foyer in case he tries to use the photocopier to photocopy his bum.


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

Trotting said:



			PF, 

I bought a 16 month old colt yesterday and today I decided to see if he was worth the £10 I spent.
Hacking down the road he began to rear and jump about like a kangaroo.
I know his sire was called "Bouncing Boomer", but seller refused to show me any images.
What do you recommend, I hope he isn't a mutation! 



Click to expand...

Whilst horse-kangaroo mutations are very rare, they DO make very good jumpers so if you've got one of those you'll be on  your way to the Olympics in no time at all!! If you shout "Joey!" and he looks round... you're in the money!!


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## SirenaXVI (29 October 2010)

Dear PF

I am having trouble with my horse, he is 17.3 and I am 4ft 9.  He is very bad tempered in the stable and keeps biting me which really really hurts.  I tried some inhand stuff but that did not really work so I thought it would be a good idea to give him some more work to do so I have started to pessoa him and he is brilliant at it, however I thought I would also ride him and he was very good to tack up but when I got on he turned into a bucking bronco!

I have had his back, teeth and saddle checked.

I cannot turn him out as he is too big for the other horses but he does not seem to mind as he has never been turned out with others.  

I cannot understand why he is being like this, he was such a lovely foal and we would spend hours playing in the field, mock fighting when he was little

Should I try a calmer?

He turned 2 this year and I am at my wits end, please help!

Yours in anticipation


Lonelybraincell





_This would be funny but it was a genuine question asked of me, person concerned wanted advice _


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## tallyho! (29 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Nope, you won't have to  pay the congestion charge but if he farts in the Low Emissions Zone you could be fined so I suggest a large cork! Good luck!! 
Oh sorry, forgot to say that you should probably park him in the foyer in case he tries to use the photocopier to photocopy his bum.
		
Click to expand...

There's been talk of ride-your-ned-to-work scheme. I heard hay farts are cheaper than grass farts - check the tariff...


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## WoopsiiD (29 October 2010)

Dear PF

I have just bought my daughter a pony for Christmas. I think its a looker and has great breeding potential!







At the moment it is in the conservatory at Nanny and Grandads house. They are a bit worried as it is lying down a lot.

Should they have given it water?

Also, daughter is 7 and want's to ride at Badminton. Will she have to pay as she is a minor? We are sure the pony is capable-if it gets up again-as it jumped over the sofa to get away from the dog.

Yours

PushyPonyClubMum


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

lostmymarbles said:



			Dear PF

Six weeks ago I had a saddle fitter out to my horse. I hadn't used them before, but they came highly recommened by my new back person and vets.  They told me that the horse that I have had for ten years and has always worn a saddle that was too big for him, it was  a medium wide and was checked every six months by my old saddle fitter who said it was  a perfect fit. Horse has never had a sore back or a day off with lameness.

I now have a brand new narrow fitting saddle, which saddle fitter advised I needed a sheepskin pad and prolite under as well. For the last few weeks horse has been pulling horrible faces at me when I girth him up, last week it tried to kick and bite me when I took his saddle in the stable, he also feels really odd to ride, stride feels very short and horse just wont canter, that is when I can get on, he has started to rear up when I take him near the mounting block.

Has horse just turned mardy, should I just show him who is boss and carry on?

thank you,

moremoneythansense
		
Click to expand...

Dear moremoneythansense
Honestly I think your horse is being difficult; after all, you've spent loads of cash on a new saddle and sheepskin pad plus the prolite pad to make the saddle comfortable, what more does he expect?? I think the way forward is to communicate with him through an equine psychic; You can then give him a proper telling off and tell him to pull his socks up or you'll send him to the glue factory. Good luck!


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## hackedoff (29 October 2010)

my pony is 21 years old and I have never jumped him. A lady on my yard says that all ponys will know how to jump upright and spread fences and as he is a welsh cob I should not that he is able to jump 5 foot by 5 foot by now*. So why did he refuse to jump when i tried to do this height last night last night?

*this was said to me as a genuine piece of advice...


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

scatty_mare said:



			Dear PF 

I read with interest your insightful and educated replies to the questions of a whole lot of morons yesterday, and I thought that perhaps, if demand for your wisdom became overwhelming, I might be able to offer some advice to these idiots and help ease your burden.

Allow me to introduce myself. I have a horse. He is a good horse and I paid £15,000 for him as a 9 year old because he has amazing show jumping bloodlines but luckily he hasn't ever competed, what a bargain! He has a lovely life. I have him because I enjoy hunting, and he is a very lucky horse because he has a lot of time off. He is on holiday all summer  although sometimes I drag him out of the field to see how high we can jump (4'9 is our best!! If there is no-one to lead him over he stops at the jumps so I beat him a bit, but then if I fall off I give up). 
During the hunting season we hunt every 2 weeks, and lucky boy, he has all the time in between off to relax in his nice field. He is clipped out completely because I like him to look smart for hunting, but I dont like mucking out so he lives out in the field.  He is a lucky horse because he has 2 rugs, one for inside and one for outside!
My groom (she reckons she is a livery but I like to remind her of her place by calling her my little groom, winking and once I patted her bottom but she told me where to go! She has such an attitude, I love it!) says I need to get a thicker one and that this one isnt waterproof any more and has holes in and he gets cold out at night in the winter. But its alright for her spending my money, honestly, these horsey girls think they can say anything, cheeky little wenches! 
Anyway I always bring him in for a day and a night before we go hunting and hose him completely then put on his other rug, an extra warm stable rug. This is so that his hair will lie flat when we go hunting, because when I bring him in from the field it is often sticking up a bit and doesnt look so smart. It also means that he stops shivering by the time we go, and it means I can fill him full of food so that he has lots of energy and prances a lot and makes me look like a really good rider, think John Wayne! It makes the ladies swoon, and everyone wishes they could ride like me!
The day before a hunt I give him barley rings, competition mix and sugar beet which I sometimes forget to soak. Hes a good boy though, and never complains. People say he needs fibre but I think they pamper their horses too much. He has hay, and I usually pick out the mouldy bits I can see. Sometimes one small haynet will last him weeks! What a good boy.
Sometimes he can be very strong which I dont like as much as the prancing so I ride him in a myler combination bit which means I can really lean on the reins to balance and this pulls his nose into in chest and makes him (and me!) look even more handsome. He did have a bit of a rotational fall at a hedge last year riding like this  what a silly boy! At least it taught him not to do that again! 
Because I look after him so well and dont treat him in a namby pamby way he has never been lame! The only problem he has sometimes is that when we are hunting he can get a bit of a nosebleed, from both of his nostrils, and then  really annoyingly  the master normally sends me home. It makes me so cross! All 4 times it has happened hes been fine when weve got home! Ive even taken him for a gallop up the road to check! And nothing! Bah! I didnt realise even hunting folk could be so full of nonsense!
My groom has 2 ex-racehorses  cheap rubbish  and they seem to keep getting injured. I think its in her head because she enjoys mucking out and having them on box rest. She was really cross when I temporarily borrowed her electric fence for my chickens  for godsakes, why so possessive! And just because it was separating her horse from mine she now says my horse has kicked hers (she says thats why they were separated, I think she just likes making work for herself) and now the horse has a broken leg  poppycock! My horse would NEVER kick another one, hes a good boy! Anyway, I think that shes just a bit of a scaredy cat and needs to stop mollycoddling him and get on and ride him! Like all women riders she likes mucking out and brushing tails more than actually galloping over country! She does silly posh stuff with her horses like dressage and eventing anyway which everyone knows is a waste of time.
I cant understand it! Anyway, when I said that the horse with a so-called broken leg would be better off dead anyway, and that she should get herself a nice hardy horse like mine, she didnt seem to like it. Perhaps you could explain why, dear PF?

Anyway, enough of my ramblings. Its the opening meet tomorrow so Id better go and shove some more M&S flapjacks down my horses gullet, what a lovely idea, thank you!

Yours, 
Jammychauvinistsexpest
		
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You are clearly a very experienced horse owner with only your ponio's best interests at heart. Would you like to join my team ofr experts at Huggly Horsemanship?


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

Queenbee87 said:



			PF if you're going to offer someone advice, at least make it proper advice. In this situation Speeddemon should ride totally off the draw reins (bottom ring!) and not bother with "normal" reins! 

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Yes, you're absolutely right, silly me for not being clear


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

brighteyes said:



			Gosh, I'm learning soooo much on here!  Here's a tip for you peeps; leave the tack on overnight before hunting or a show as it saves time getting ready in the morning.  If you cover it with a king size duvet and a nice thick over-rug to keep it all in place, the horse washes itself clean overnight!  Don't give them any feed after putting the bridle on as it gets the bit dirty and you don't get the lean, fit 'hunter look' quite so well.
		
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What a fantastic tip! Well done you make me so proud! *chokes back a tear*


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

Katt said:



			Deer PF, 

y carnt pepul on dis fourum spel???? Evrywon nose u spel it saddull n brydull. R u fik or sumit???? 

urs 

ill-it-eer-rut
		
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We cnt all b luki enuf 2 spel proply


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## Hippona (29 October 2010)

Dear PF

One of my horses is quite fat. Someone says it is because I never ride her, but I love her too much to be cruel to her.

I was wondering....to save money this autum, would it be ok to not bother worming her for tapeworm? I was thinking also that this might make her lose weight rather than me having to bother my arse riding and/or lunging her? Its just that I find doing horse stuff a bit smelly and dirty - I prefer looking over the stable door if I am completely honest.

If you could answer ASAP ...my YO is demanding I should worm her but if I can print off some of your most excellent advice to show her that would be great.

CantBeArsed (CBA)


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

WHISKEYMAC said:



			dEar PF,
hope you can help. wE r a familey of 5(wife and 3 lovley but large kids). wE wonted to find a horse 4 me and my wife 2 ride and the kids to feed polos and carrots all weekends and holidays by hand so it got frienley wiv us. wE went to a dealer pimpmyhorse.com i think it was. vEry nice man who had all 6 of his horses in a mickanical round pen 4 when we arrived(think he called it a bob o walker. wE pick out one he called F B think it was short for flippin beautie. hE waz so kind that he lunjed it for a least 1/2 an hour so we could realley sea it move. i Decided to ride it as i had the most expearience(used to ride donkies on skeggie beach all through summer holidays when i was a kid). iT was very sweaty when i got on him so only did a medium walk on a loose rain. wE asked the kind man how much he said £8000 4 cash but that wud go up next week as it wud be more better schooled. wE did not have F B vetted as so expensive(£80 2 put the dog down coz we were getting a horse) any way my wife has read 2 books about horses so she new wot we were lookin 4.
i Now need some answers if you can help
1. F B chews the door and sucks in air. sHall i put chilli sauce on top of the door?
2. he moves his head from side 2 side. tHe man sed he did this at feed times but he seems to do it all the time now. dO i stand at 1 side of his box and clout him when his head cums my way?
3. He has like a wart near his ear, the nice man said it was like a teen age spot and wud go but it has got bigger. sHall i get 1 of my dawters hare bobbels and put it round tite so the bllod dus not get 2 it?
4. when i try 2 hack him F B only goes about 500 yards then wants 2 cum back home also he is fritened in traffic. i have a mate with an artic lorry shall i tie him to it and get hime to pull next to it and how long shud it take to get used to it 2,3,4 hours?
5.i bought a do ally head coller off ebaythe one with heavy buckle, i thought i could ride him in it as well so i wud not have 2 go in to the exspence of buying 1 of those metal things to go in his mouth but he is nervous when i go to put it on.shud i show him that i am an alfa-A male and crack him with the buckel end before i try it on?
6. when my sun(6 year old) goes in the stabul F B tries to kick him. do i get Kevin to kick him first so he knows not to do it?
7. i like the idea of the bannana stick. do i waft it round head or do i get my wife to ram it up his ar** to make him respond to my aids?
8. with the price of hay i have been feeding grass cuttings(not that daft,have limited him to 6 scoops a day) along side his competion mix. is this enough or cud i give him more?

please send me the box set of dvd's as am stuck 4 xmas pressies for my wife and kids
kind regrets your beloved new disciple Wayne John Smiths 

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Hi and congratulations on your new purchase, he sounds lovely. No need to get the horse vetted; it's just a money-making ruse anyway.
To answer your first question; Yes, you can put chilli on the door and the hotter the better. You could also put some barbed wire on as well; that'll be doubly effective.
2. Your horse is dancing. It's so cute when they do that!! Get him on Britain's Got Talent ASAP!!
3. That wart is called a 'sarcoid'. If you squeeze it very hard it'll pop just like a zit and problem solved.
4, Yes. 4 hours is about right
5. You need my special patented left handed headcollar which you can also ride in. It has extra heavy buckles so if your horse is naughty you can smack him in the face with it; show him whose boss!!
6. Tell Kevin to creep into the stable VERY quietly, preferably when ponio is having a nap. He should then blow a foghorn and yell "Wake up you dozy ****!!" and kick him very hard. Kevin will probably get kicked back, but it'll be worth it as your horse will respect you afterwards.
7. All of those things. Preferably simultaneously. The bananastick will also work on your wife and kids should they step out of line.
8. Grass cuttings are fine. You can also feed yew and snapdragons and ragwort. 

Sending you my complete set of DVDs plus a bonus DVD of me singing Christmas carols with VVVAgner. Tracks featured are Good King Bananastick and Away in a Bananastick. Enjoy!!


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

SusannaF said:



			Don't forget to tick the box which says "I want my horse to do stallion testing". If your horse passes the test, you can stand it at stud and he can have at least a hundred foals a year. The stallion test is multiple choice, so not too hard for your horse.
		
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Excellent advice


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

SirenaXVI said:



			Dear PF

I am having trouble with my horse, he is 17.3 and I am 4ft 9.  He is very bad tempered in the stable and keeps biting me which really really hurts.  I tried some inhand stuff but that did not really work so I thought it would be a good idea to give him some more work to do so I have started to pessoa him and he is brilliant at it, however I thought I would also ride him and he was very good to tack up but when I got on he turned into a bucking bronco!

I have had his back, teeth and saddle checked.

I cannot turn him out as he is too big for the other horses but he does not seem to mind as he has never been turned out with others.  

I cannot understand why he is being like this, he was such a lovely foal and we would spend hours playing in the field, mock fighting when he was little

Should I try a calmer?

He turned 2 this year and I am at my wits end, please help!

Yours in anticipation


Lonelybraincell





_This would be funny but it was a genuine question asked of me, person concerned wanted advice _

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Not surprised! It has that ring of authenticity!! Anyhooo, this is MY advice;
You definitely need to sedate him or at the very least give him a sharp knock to the head to daze him a bit. Don't worry about not turning him out; horses don't really mind being indoors all day. especially if you feed him loads of oats and barley. Some people will tell you that they need to walk miles and miles a day, but don't listen to them; they're just jealous.
How good of you to play with your foal; it's so cuttte when they learn to bite and kick like that!!
You can also buy my DVD set; How to Bribe My Horse into Loving me  only £14,000


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

WoopsiiD said:



			Dear PF

I have just bought my daughter a pony for Christmas. I think its a looker and has great breeding potential!







At the moment it is in the conservatory at Nanny and Grandads house. They are a bit worried as it is lying down a lot.

Should they have given it water?

Also, daughter is 7 and want's to ride at Badminton. Will she have to pay as she is a minor? We are sure the pony is capable-if it gets up again-as it jumped over the sofa to get away from the dog.

Yours

PushyPonyClubMum
		
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What a gorgeous pony and what a great idea to keep in the conservatory; with a bit of practice you can get him to poo on the plants, saving yourself that job! Don't worry about him lying down a lot; he's doing it because he's feeling at ease and comfortable.
I'm sure your daughter is more than capable of geting to Badminton, but it'll probably be 2012 rather than 2011- Hey, how about the Olympics!!!!
Ponies don't need water as they're about 70% water already


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

tallyho! said:



			There's been talk of ride-your-ned-to-work scheme. I heard hay farts are cheaper than grass farts - check the tariff...
		
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Yes, good idea


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

hackedoff said:



			my pony is 21 years old and I have never jumped him. A lady on my yard says that all ponys will know how to jump upright and spread fences and as he is a welsh cob I should not that he is able to jump 5 foot by 5 foot by now*. So why did he refuse to jump when i tried to do this height last night last night?

*this was said to me as a genuine piece of advice...
		
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Only thoroughbreds know how to jump from the start. Cobs only know how to eat and poop. I'd sell him (or give him to a rescue home- no need to vet) and get yourself a proper horse


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## skint1 (29 October 2010)

Dear PF,
I've got a 6 month old cob and my YO says I should start riding him now before he gets too big which I totally agree with. If you ask me people are too fond of mollycoddling horses leaving them hanging about til they're 3 and 4 years old and then they wonder why it takes so long to train them up right.  I will be backing him myself because I am the lightest one on the yard, I weight 20 stone, but it's ok because my cob is really big boned. 

Anyway, we want him to work long and low from the start and we thought we'd encourage him to put his head down by leaving a trail of food in the school for him to follow once I am on him and I wondered whether you thought donuts or cheeseburgers would be a better for this?

Thanks!
_AlwaysRight_


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## Fellewell (29 October 2010)

Dear PF,
 I do hope you will be publishing details of your reasonably priced nationwide tour. I have a loading problem for your demonstration; I can't get my horse in the new lorry he just won't stand still on the tail lift. Would a banana stick help or hobbles or maybe dispense with the tail lift and use a trampoline?


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## City Mare (29 October 2010)

Dear PF, 

I don't think my pony likes his shoes.  When he takes them off, he looses them and we can never find them again.
I was thinking about getting him some pink, patent (so they match my wellies) kitten heels but am a bit worried in case he gets upset cos they're pink (he's a boy horse).  What do you think?

Thank you, 

Bubbles.


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## Achinghips (29 October 2010)

Dear PF
I recently bought a stunning heavyweight red and white cob from the market.  She is starting to charge me in the field. I wondered if I should do some groundwork with her and maybe some joinup? She has large sandcracks in all feet, but I am assured these will grow out, given a supplement of biotin.  At what point should I attach the leadrope to her nosering to push her backwards, before or after my hospital visit? What would you advise?
ps., the hair on her chest and face is becoming curly and I wonder if she is developing pillows disease?

Yours Katie Strangely-Brown


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## Bert&Maud (29 October 2010)

Most of these replies are modern claptrap. In my day there was not problem that couldn't be solved by a bran mash, a good strapping with a wisp, or tying the head down with a tight standing martingale. Sorted.
Maud Ponsonby-Smythe


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

poppymoo said:



			Dear PF

One of my horses is quite fat. Someone says it is because I never ride her, but I love her too much to be cruel to her.

I was wondering....to save money this autum, would it be ok to not bother worming her for tapeworm? I was thinking also that this might make her lose weight rather than me having to bother my arse riding and/or lunging her? Its just that I find doing horse stuff a bit smelly and dirty - I prefer looking over the stable door if I am completely honest.

If you could answer ASAP ...my YO is demanding I should worm her but if I can print off some of your most excellent advice to show her that would be great.

CantBeArsed (CBA)
		
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Oh. My. God. Some people can be so cruel!!  Of course you shouldn't ride your horse; it's not natural. Lunging isn't natural either. Don't do it!!
Your YO is just jealous and that's why she's hassling you about worming your mare. Worming is neither natural nor necessary. Worms are like measels; once they've had them once they don't get them again. If you're not sure if your mare has had worms then hold a french fancy up near her bottom, yell "Come and get iiiiiit" in a very loud voice and watch her bottom to see if any worms poke their heads out to see what's for dinner. If they do then you can squash them and if they don't then clearly she hasn't got worms.


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

skint1 said:



			Dear PF,
I've got a 6 month old cob and my YO says I should start riding him now before he gets too big which I totally agree with. If you ask me people are too fond of mollycoddling horses leaving them hanging about til they're 3 and 4 years old and then they wonder why it takes so long to train them up right.  I will be backing him myself because I am the lightest one on the yard, I weight 20 stone, but it's ok because my cob is really big boned. 

Anyway, we want him to work long and low from the start and we thought we'd encourage him to put his head down by leaving a trail of food in the school for him to follow once I am on him and I wondered whether you thought donuts or cheeseburgers would be a better for this?

Thanks!
_AlwaysRight_

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Yes, definitely start riding as soon as you can and before he gets strong enough to buck you off. He should be small enough for you to pin him down with your feet still in the stirrups.
Well done for not succuming to social pressure and keeping a healthy weight and yes, good idea to work long and low; use the cheeseburgers as you'll need the donuts to keep your strength up! Good luck!


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## blitznbobs (29 October 2010)

Am I right?

I have a 5 year old welsh pony who lives out 24/7 (it's natural) and try to give him as natural life as possible. I don't have a lot of land so I keep him on my back garden but the grass seems to have gone (naturally). It's obviously working as he's getting racing fit as I can see every one of his ribs and his hip bones are well defined. Someone told me that I should give him some extra feed but surely this is not natural (After all they wouldn't get barley and oats on the welsh mountains would they) and that I should have his feet trimmed and worm him and possibly have a vet look at the huge  lump on his belly that has yellow gunk coming out of it but I think that the natural way is better and don't want to load his system with chemicals. When I ride him he seems very slow and no longer keeps up with the hunt so do you think I should carry a banana stick when riding him to make him go faster?

Thanks

Naturalidiotic


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## TallyHo123 (29 October 2010)

I love this!!


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

Fellewell said:



			Dear PF,
 I do hope you will be publishing details of your reasonably priced nationwide tour. I have a loading problem for your demonstration; I can't get my horse in the new lorry he just won't stand still on the tail lift. Would a banana stick help or hobbles or maybe dispense with the tail lift and use a trampoline?
		
Click to expand...

The World-wide Tour will be kicking off at HOYS where coincidentally I shall be loading a difficult horse with nothing more than my patented left-handed headcollar, lunge-line with extra-heavy clip and a bananastick. No cameras will be allowed as some people just don't understand my Huggly Horsemanship philosophy and will be shocked when I wrap the lungeline around the horse's legs, flip him like a steer and drag him on with a tractor.They just don't GET it? Can you believe that???
I like the idea of the trampoline! Good thinking! I believe you have a natural talent for Huggly Horsemanship. I can help you develop those skills with one of my training days at a very reasonable £54,000!


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

City Mare said:



			Dear PF, 

I don't think my pony likes his shoes.  When he takes them off, he looses them and we can never find them again.
I was thinking about getting him some pink, patent (so they match my wellies) kitten heels but am a bit worried in case he gets upset cos they're pink (he's a boy horse).  What do you think?

Thank you, 

Bubbles.
		
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Dear Bubbles
Your ponio doesn't like shoes because they're not natural! Kitten heels are definitely the way forward, but they must match his rugs and headcollar, buckets, etc. If he's a proper man then he won't be embarrassed by wearing pink


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## Berpisc (29 October 2010)

Tass said:



			Most of these replies are modern claptrap. In my day there was not problem that couldn't be solved by a bran mash, a good strapping with a wisp, or tying the head down with a tight standing martingale. Sorted.
Maud Ponsonby-Smythe
		
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If the handler follows these good old fashioned tips before approaching their horse, PPFs Huggly Horsemanship becomes so much clearer


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## Halfstep (29 October 2010)

Dear PF,

I am HORRIFIED by the standard of riding I see nowadays, especially the riding done by anyone who stoops so low as to actually compete on their horses, and most especially by the DEVILS who ride internationally. In fact, no one has ever ridden correctly since Xenophon passed away. Equestrianism has been in freefall since the 4th century BC. 

Luckily, I have seen the light. I've been in contact with Xenophon on the other side. He's learned English, which shows how much of a genius he is as it didn't exist when he was alive, and he speaks to me directly. He is telling me that I must save the tortured competition horses and free them from their dreadful lives. I am a living guru and spend all of my time on internet chatrooms telling all the horrible people who compete their horses how EVIL and ABUSIVE they are, and how I and only I know the way to the light. If they come and have lessons with me, I will cause their horses to sprout wings and fly. And they will see the EVIL of all other riding. Because Xenophon speaks to me. Don't you know. As does Gerd Heuschmann. Although I'm not hearing him so much since those embarrassing photos.....

Please tell me how I can spread the WORD of Xenophon across the world and enjoy the profits of enlightenment. And stop all those people who actually hold the reins when they ride - the cruel evil horse torturers!


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

Achinghips said:



			Dear PF
I recently bought a stunning heavyweight red and white cob from the market.  She is starting to charge me in the field. I wondered if I should do some groundwork with her and maybe some joinup? She has large sandcracks in all feet, but I am assured these will grow out, given a supplement of biotin.  At what point should I attach the leadrope to her nosering to push her backwards, before or after my hospital visit? What would you advise?
ps., the hair on her chest and face is becoming curly and I wonder if she is developing pillows disease?

Yours Katie Strangely-Brown
		
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Dear Katie Stangely Orange
Congratulations on your purchase!! It would appear that your mare is attempting to join up (I prefer to call it by my trademarked name; Grapple up) already! You must allow her to explore her relationship with you and not rebuke her or punish her in any way. She may knock you over and trample you, but once you've picked yourself up and the hoofmarks on your back have faded you will have achieved a unique relationship with your lovely mare!
You're quite right that the sandcracks will grow out naturally; there is no need for a farrier (money-spinning ruse!) 
The hair on your mare's chest is caused by a condition called Cushions. Cushions is like measels; your horse will have it once and then never again. No need to call a vet. Vets are only in it for the money!


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

Tass said:



			Most of these replies are modern claptrap. In my day there was not problem that couldn't be solved by a bran mash, a good strapping with a wisp, or tying the head down with a tight standing martingale. Sorted.
Maud Ponsonby-Smythe
		
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Dear Maud...just because you don't understand, you shouldn't knock it. I couldn't possibly explain the intricacies of Huggle Horsemanship on this thread, but if you come on one of my training courses (£60,000 a day) you will be enlighted and thank me for it afterwards. Keep the faith!


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## Thistle (29 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Dear Katie Stangely Orange
Congratulations on your purchase!! It would appear that your mare is attempting to join up (I prefer to call it by my trademarked name; Grapple up) already! You must allow her to explore her relationship with you and not rebuke her or punish her in any way. She may knock you over and trample you, but once you've picked yourself up and the hoofmarks on your back have faded you will have achieved a unique relationship with your lovely mare!
You're quite right that the sandcracks will grow out naturally; there is no need for a farrier (money-spinning ruse!) 
The hair on your mare's chest is caused by a condition called Cushions. Cushions is like measels; your horse will have it once and then never again. No need to call a vet. Vets are only in it for the money!
		
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Katie Orange, I jusy wanted to ask, does your horse have a strange neigh?


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

blitznbobs said:



			Am I right?

I have a 5 year old welsh pony who lives out 24/7 (it's natural) and try to give him as natural life as possible. I don't have a lot of land so I keep him on my back garden but the grass seems to have gone (naturally). It's obviously working as he's getting racing fit as I can see every one of his ribs and his hip bones are well defined. Someone told me that I should give him some extra feed but surely this is not natural (After all they wouldn't get barley and oats on the welsh mountains would they) and that I should have his feet trimmed and worm him and possibly have a vet look at the huge  lump on his belly that has yellow gunk coming out of it but I think that the natural way is better and don't want to load his system with chemicals. When I ride him he seems very slow and no longer keeps up with the hunt so do you think I should carry a banana stick when riding him to make him go faster?

Thanks

Naturalidiotic
		
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You're quite right to keep it natural and are doing all the right things. Not necessary to have him wormed or his feet trimmed as this is not natural nor should you get the vet as this is not natural either (and it's a money-spinning ruse) At a push you could trim his feet yourself after an afternoon of tea and cake with an authorised barefoot guru. A bananastick when riding is a very good idea as this is the best way to achieve Grapple Up and oneness with your horse.


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## Paint it Lucky (29 October 2010)

Dear PF, I have recently brought myself an ex-racehorse to be my competition horse, she cost a lot of money (£500!) so obviously I expect her to be good.  'Cos she is a competition horse I keep her stabled 24/7 as obviously she would go loony in the field!  She used to live out all the time after she finished racing (apparently she was injured but she looks fine to me) anyway now she is being ridden she doesn't need to go out does she?  I ride her a few times a week, when I can be bothered.  The trouble is she is a right nutter, I think it must be because she's a chesnut mare.  I feed her 3 scoops of oats, 2 of barley and one of whole maize 4 times a day like you are meant to.  She must be really lazy as quite often she just lies on the floor groaning but then she looks at her belly to say she's still hungry so I feed her a bit more.  

When I ride her she is really wierd, when I kick her with my legs she tries to run away so I put her in a dutch gag on the bottom hole like my instructor said, trouble is then she gets quite lazy and doesn't want to move, so I bought these special western spurs with rowels on ('cos they look really cool) and use them on her, but sometimes this makes her even naughtier and she tries to buck me off, so my instructor said to put her in draw reins all the time so she can't get away with it.  I know it is not my riding as I have been riding two months at a riding school on cob ponies and my instructor said if you can ride them you can ride anythink.  Plus I've fallen off seven times already so that makes me a really good rider.  'Cos my mare is such a nutter I think I should get her a calmer, which do you recommend?  I want to take her round badminton next year but apparently you're not allowed to jump in draw reins there, do you know a way I can get round this?

Thanks


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

Berpisc said:



			If the handler follows these good old fashioned tips before approaching their horse, PPFs Huggly Horsemanship becomes so much clearer

Click to expand...

It does, doesn't it?


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## LeneHorse (29 October 2010)

WoopsiiD said:



			Dear PF

I have just bought my daughter a pony for Christmas. I think its a looker and has great breeding potential!







At the moment it is in the conservatory at Nanny and Grandads house. They are a bit worried as it is lying down a lot.

Should they have given it water?

Also, daughter is 7 and want's to ride at Badminton. Will she have to pay as she is a minor? We are sure the pony is capable-if it gets up again-as it jumped over the sofa to get away from the dog.

Yours

PushyPonyClubMum
		
Click to expand...

Wow - this is exactly what we're looking for 4 the kidz xmas (see my post last night). it would look so cute done up in tinsell with a big red bow round its neck. The kidz wud love it. Do you think one that size would carry my 2 14 stone kidz - they wud both have to ride it at the same time of course or there wud be tearz n' snotterz?


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## Thistle (29 October 2010)

Dear PF

Please help I am sooooooooooooooo worried. I saw on an internet forum that if my pony is plaited then he will be stolen.

I live in the middle of nowhere up a long farm track, I have 4 equines. 2 are fit well bred eventers, 1 is an ex event pony, now a broodmare in foal to a lovely stallion, the fourth is a small hairy Squeaky thing, he has a long mane and tail and is really difficult to catch (unless he likes you!!!!!!!!!!!!). Today it has been pretty wild and windy here and the Squeaky thing has some tangly plaits in his mane. Surely this means that someone has been into my fields that are outside my house and got past my 3 guard dogs and plaited his mane, they must love small Squeaky ponies much more that fit well bred eventers.

What should I do?????????

thanks

i'msoworriedcozhehasplaits


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## brighteyes (29 October 2010)

Dear PF  

On _that very subject_ of vets being in it for the money, I have found that Googling the complaint and then asking on a Forum I have found (Nag&Dog Online) always gets me the answers for free!  Mostly I don't need to call a vet - unless the horse lies down and won't get up or stops breathing - nobody was on The Forum that morning, so I had to wait til after lunch til I got a reply.  Anyway I saved a huge vet bill and just buried my horse in the garden that time.  And the chemist sells most stuff you need to treat them with anyway, or you can ask if your elderly relatives have any drugs hanging around for the more dodgy complaints, like cushions and laminitus.  You can put garlic and toothpaste on most things - works wonders in conjunction with remote healing by photograph (any photograph will do).

Lardydahdiarse

P.S.  I think we are kindred spirits on a similar wavelength now.


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## SirenaXVI (29 October 2010)

Dear PF

My international event horse is rolling around in his stable AGAIN, it makes such a mess of his lovely bed!

He seems to do this 3 or 4 times a week and sometimes he scrapes himself on the concrete floor silly boy.  He gets so excited he sweats buckets!

Someone said I should call the vet but I thought I would ask people on the forum what I should do ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh hang on a minute..........................................


















Damn he has now knocked over his water bucket, or at least I think he has - he is absolutely soaking  He must be excited as he has left his flapjacks uneaten again 

Anyway, how can I stop this happening?


Moronwithahorse


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

Halfstep said:



			Dear PF,

I am HORRIFIED by the standard of riding I see nowadays, especially the riding done by anyone who stoops so low as to actually compete on their horses, and most especially by the DEVILS who ride internationally. In fact, no one has ever ridden correctly since Xenophon passed away. Equestrianism has been in freefall since the 4th century BC. 

Luckily, I have seen the light. I've been in contact with Xenophon on the other side. He's learned English, which shows how much of a genius he is as it didn't exist when he was alive, and he speaks to me directly. He is telling me that I must save the tortured competition horses and free them from their dreadful lives. I am a living guru and spend all of my time on internet chatrooms telling all the horrible people who compete their horses how EVIL and ABUSIVE they are, and how I and only I know the way to the light. If they come and have lessons with me, I will cause their horses to sprout wings and fly. And they will see the EVIL of all other riding. Because Xenophon speaks to me. Don't you know. As does Gerd Heuschmann. Although I'm not hearing him so much since those embarrassing photos.....

Please tell me how I can spread the WORD of Xenophon across the world and enjoy the profits of enlightenment. And stop all those people who actually hold the reins when they ride - the cruel evil horse torturers!
		
Click to expand...

You are already on your way to true enlightenment!! Alleluyah!! Let us Huggle together against the Spawn of Satan riders who torment their horses with tack and rugs and ALSO vaccinations and worming and farriers!!!! Xenophon has also spoken to me (yes his English really is rather good, isn't it?) and has told me that you should buy my complete set  of DVDs and books and the T-shirt that says "I Huggle my Horse! Do you?"


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

Thistle said:



			Katie Orange, I jusy wanted to ask, does your horse have a strange neigh?
		
Click to expand...

Katie Tango, don't answer her; she's just jealous and no doubt questioning the quality of your new mare!


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## WoopsiiD (29 October 2010)

LeneHorse said:



			Wow - this is exactly what we're looking for 4 the kidz xmas (see my post last night). it would look so cute done up in tinsell with a big red bow round its neck. The kidz wud love it. Do you think one that size would carry my 2 14 stone kidz - they wud both have to ride it at the same time of course or there wud be tearz n' snotterz?
		
Click to expand...

I am currently trying to sell Bub's last pony as she has grown out of him.
He has competed at HOYS several times and was narrowly beaten by Ellen W in the puisance.
He is a real olympic hopeful.
Of course he is POA.


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

AllySmalice said:



			Dear PF, I have recently brought myself an ex-racehorse to be my competition horse, she cost a lot of money (£500!) so obviously I expect her to be good.  'Cos she is a competition horse I keep her stabled 24/7 as obviously she would go loony in the field!  She used to live out all the time after she finished racing (apparently she was injured but she looks fine to me) anyway now she is being ridden she doesn't need to go out does she?  I ride her a few times a week, when I can be bothered.  The trouble is she is a right nutter, I think it must be because she's a chesnut mare.  I feed her 3 scoops of oats, 2 of barley and one of whole maize 4 times a day like you are meant to.  She must be really lazy as quite often she just lies on the floor groaning but then she looks at her belly to say she's still hungry so I feed her a bit more.  

When I ride her she is really wierd, when I kick her with my legs she tries to run away so I put her in a dutch gag on the bottom hole like my instructor said, trouble is then she gets quite lazy and doesn't want to move, so I bought these special western spurs with rowels on ('cos they look really cool) and use them on her, but sometimes this makes her even naughtier and she tries to buck me off, so my instructor said to put her in draw reins all the time so she can't get away with it.  I know it is not my riding as I have been riding two months at a riding school on cob ponies and my instructor said if you can ride them you can ride anythink.  Plus I've fallen off seven times already so that makes me a really good rider.  'Cos my mare is such a nutter I think I should get her a calmer, which do you recommend?  I want to take her round badminton next year but apparently you're not allowed to jump in draw reins there, do you know a way I can get round this?

Thanks
		
Click to expand...

Wow, youve spent a LOT of money on your new horse, havent you?  Best not to run the risk of her hurting herself in the field. As long as you ride her once or twice a month shell be fine stabled 24/7, if you cant ride then just look over the stable door and thatll do.  Your tack sounds absolutely fine. I think you should ride her really fast all the time and not worry about stopping her as you want her to go over fences, dont  you? And if you cant stop shell have to jump &#61514; Since you wont be wanting to slow down around Badders, you wont need the draw reins. Good luck!!


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## Munchkin (29 October 2010)

Dear PF,

I have owned my baby waby horsey worsey for just under a year. He is a very handsome stallion and was described in the advert as being full of character and I definitely got my money's worth. He is such a sweetie pie and is sooooooo funnyyyyyy!!!

When he first arrived he just bit the other horses so he could get to me first, how cuteeee is that! He loves me soooooo mucchhhhh! Once he kicked another girl's ponio, silly ponio for being in the way when I was in the field feeding him apples!  They had a big fight and I had to stand in the middle like a referee!

Past couple of months though, he has started to play with me! I feel like his proper horse friend and I thought it would never happen.  Sometimes I sleep in his stable so that he knows I am truly on his best friend. He is 17.2hh so there isn't much room for me but it's okay because we love each other soooooo muchhhh!!

The thing is, PF, he bites and kicks me too and I know he's just being silly (it really hurts sometimes looooool!). He hides at the back of the stable and when I walk past with his apple he launches himself at the door and grabs me - he is soooooo cheekyyy!!  2 weeks ago he bit my face and I know he didn't mean to so I told him he was a good boy so he didn't think he would be in trouble, poor baby.

I found out the day before yesterday that the girl who looked after him for me while I was in hospital hit him when he tried to play (he kicked her but he only bruised her a bit in a jokey way, he would never really hurt anyone). I was soooooooooooo upset that I phoned her and explained it is his character and that he was just upset and missing me and wanted someone to play with. She called me pink and fluffy. I don't know what that means  

I have been crying for two days because I am so upset that she was nasty to my baby boy when I was having my face mended. He didn't mean to hurt her.  Now the other people on the yard are saying things like it's a shame he didn't swallow my head. I don't think that is a very nice thing to say, my poor baby might have choked, he can't even eat an apple unless I cut it into a 8 equal sized pieces for him, so how would he have swallowed my head? They are soooo nasty to him and I think he feels like he is being bullied just because he has a playful character.

I just want my <3 baby boy <3 to be understood and accepted for who he is but these people are all horrible and just don't get it. Last week a girl smacked her horse on the nose for nipping her hand - I taught him to do that to guess which hand I was hiding the piece of apple in - now he is soooo confused 

Please tell me how to communicate with the nasty horrible people who treat their ponios and horsey worseys like animals.

Thanku sooooo muchxxx

xxx<3xxxxilovemyhorseyxxxx<3xxx

xxxxx


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

LeneHorse said:



			Wow - this is exactly what we're looking for 4 the kidz xmas (see my post last night). it would look so cute done up in tinsell with a big red bow round its neck. The kidz wud love it. Do you think one that size would carry my 2 14 stone kidz - they wud both have to ride it at the same time of course or there wud be tearz n' snotterz?
		
Click to expand...

This pony sounds perfect for you!! Don't forget to film your children (both at the same time will be fine; ponies are stronger than they seem) enjoying the pony and put it on Youtube


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## Snoozinsusan (29 October 2010)

Dear PapaFrita.

So pleased that you thought my beautiful boy looks so like Totilas.

I have contacted Paul Schockemohle and Edward Gal and there is now a bidding frenzy to secure him.  The bidding currently stands at £15m so someone will get a great deal!  Just as well he still has his b*******.  There will be lots of little horses just like him in a few years time, maybe in time for 2012 Olympics.

I just hope his passport turns up soon or the deal will collapse.  Should I advertise on ebay for a new one?  If I do then he'll get a new name, probably better than Donk.

Thank you so much for all your help.  10% commission will be forwarded to you on completion of the sale.  The DVDs you insisted I bought have turned out to be a real bargain!


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## Flame_ (29 October 2010)

*PF, Funniest thread ever!*

Munchkin, 
	
	
		
		
	


	




  Fantastic.


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## Spudlet (29 October 2010)

Dear PF

Because I love my ponio very very much, I have been feeding him exactly the same as I eat. He has started the day with coffee and toast, then he has a sandwich and crisps for lunch and then we have beef stew for our tea! Some people keep telling he should have horse food and grass, but this seems very cruel to me as I am not prepared to feed him anything I wouldn't eat myself. So none of that vegetable rubbish, it's just not natural.

He must like it, as he often tells me he wants more food by looking at his tummy, kicking at his belly and rolling round on the floor! Do you think I could go on X Factor with this skill, as I think he is just like a breakdancer!

Yours

Ithoughtonlybabiesgotcolic
x


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## nativetyponies (29 October 2010)

WoopsiiD said:



			I am currently trying to sell Bub's last pony as she has grown out of him.
He has competed at HOYS several times and was narrowly beaten by Ellen W in the puisance.
He is a real olympic hopeful.
Of course he is POA.






Click to expand...

WTF IS THAT?

is it real?
 

sorry PF i'm butting in on your evangelical evening.

is your granpa Billy Pepperoni Graham?


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## Doormouse (29 October 2010)

Dear PF

I have a haflinger who I paid £2000 for, he is at least 20 and has really bad legs which means he won't run off with me.  I have tried lunging him in the school but he stops and eats stuff even when I push him from behind.  He falls down when I ride him, not sure why, seems worse in the fields so I just ride on the road.  He is very rude in the stable if I give him treats so I feed him polos on a string and give him lots of toys to play with.  I have been in hospital once for concussion after he fell over when I didn't have my hat done up and now people are saying he shouldn't be ridden and it is dangerous but I think they are just jealous because they don't have a lovely ponio like mine.  What do you think?

Livery yard's worst nightmare.


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

Thistle said:



			Dear PF

Please help I am sooooooooooooooo worried. I saw on an internet forum that if my pony is plaited then he will be stolen.

I live in the middle of nowhere up a long farm track, I have 4 equines. 2 are fit well bred eventers, 1 is an ex event pony, now a broodmare in foal to a lovely stallion, the fourth is a small hairy Squeaky thing, he has a long mane and tail and is really difficult to catch (unless he likes you!!!!!!!!!!!!). Today it has been pretty wild and windy here and the Squeaky thing has some tangly plaits in his mane. Surely this means that someone has been into my fields that are outside my house and got past my 3 guard dogs and plaited his mane, they must love small Squeaky ponies much more that fit well bred eventers.

What should I do?????????

thanks

i'msoworriedcozhehasplaits
		
Click to expand...

Dear worried
Ahh, yes. The great Xenophon has spoken to me about the mythical Squeak; he who waits, smirking, until you _nearly_ have his headcollar on and then runs away bucking and farting, followed by someone swearing, sometimes accompanied by farting, and much shaking of fists. You are quite right to be worried. Clearly these, plus the squeaking, are attributes that are highly prized among horse thieves and talent scouts for X-Factor. Either he will be stolen very soon and you'll never see him again or loaded into a lorry and taken to a horse show and then returned with a rosette. In order to distract thieves from Squeak you must plait the others and hope they get nicked instead.  Good luck!


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

brighteyes said:



			Dear PF  

On _that very subject_ of vets being in it for the money, I have found that Googling the complaint and then asking on a Forum I have found (Nag&Dog Online) always gets me the answers for free!  Mostly I don't need to call a vet - unless the horse lies down and won't get up or stops breathing - nobody was on The Forum that morning, so I had to wait til after lunch til I got a reply.  Anyway I saved a huge vet bill and just buried my horse in the garden that time.  And the chemist sells most stuff you need to treat them with anyway, or you can ask if your elderly relatives have any drugs hanging around for the more dodgy complaints, like cushions and laminitus.  You can put garlic and toothpaste on most things - works wonders in conjunction with remote healing by photograph (any photograph will do).

Lardydahdiarse

P.S.  I think we are kindred spirits on a similar wavelength now.
		
Click to expand...

Dear Lardydahdiarse
You're absolutely right, you can get the answer to anything on HHO. Only the other day I asked what day it was and someone answered 'Mackerel'! I got the same answer on Facebook so it must've been right. Coincidentally I've just published a book called 'Cure you're horse with Garlic, Toothpaste and Talcum powder'. Covers everything from cushions to laminitus and also diplodocus!! You are indeed a kindred spirit!!


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## WoopsiiD (29 October 2010)

nativeponies said:



			WTF IS THAT?

is it real?
 

sorry PF i'm butting in on your evangelical evening.

is your granpa Billy Pepperoni Graham?
		
Click to expand...

Sadly, both ponies I posted are very much real. The chestnut was at stud!


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

SirenaXVI said:



			Dear PF

My international event horse is rolling around in his stable AGAIN, it makes such a mess of his lovely bed!

He seems to do this 3 or 4 times a week and sometimes he scrapes himself on the concrete floor silly boy.  He gets so excited he sweats buckets!

Someone said I should call the vet but I thought I would ask people on the forum what I should do ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh hang on a minute..........................................


















Damn he has now knocked over his water bucket, or at least I think he has - he is absolutely soaking  He must be excited as he has left his flapjacks uneaten again 

Anyway, how can I stop this happening?


Moronwithahorse
		
Click to expand...

Now I don't mean to alarm you, but he might be having a nightmare. This is particularly unpleasant for a gelding as they don't like girly 'mare' things!! A nightmare will also put him off his food so you don't have anything to worry about. There's nothing a vet can tell you that you can't find out on HHO. Or in fact on the Tesco's website.


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## Spudlet (29 October 2010)

WoopsiiD said:



			Sadly, both ponies I posted are very much real. The chestnut was at stud!
		
Click to expand...

No way!


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

WoopsiiD said:



			I am currently trying to sell Bub's last pony as she has grown out of him.
He has competed at HOYS several times and was narrowly beaten by Ellen W in the puisance.
He is a real olympic hopeful.
Of course he is POA.






Click to expand...

Aww, he's gorgeous and what lovely confirmation!!! I'm not surprised he's doing well at SJing. I can tell just by looking at him that he's worth at least £4.5 million pounds!


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## *hic* (29 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Dear worried
Ahh, yes. The great Xenophon has spoken to me about the mythical Squeak; he who waits, smirking, until you _nearly_ have his headcollar on and then runs away bucking and farting, followed by someone swearing, sometimes accompanied by farting, and much shaking of fists. You are quite right to be worried. Clearly these, plus the squeaking, are attributes that are highly prized among horse thieves and talent scouts for X-Factor. Either he will be stolen very soon and you'll never see him again or loaded into a lorry and taken to a horse show and then returned with a rosette. In order to distract thieves from Squeak you must plait the others and hope they get nicked instead.  Good luck!
		
Click to expand...

Dear PF

I'm sorry for questioning your wisdom (your sanity is another matter, I think we'll leave that for the men in white coats) but honestly do you think that the best way of catching a Squeaky pony (btw wouldn't Alfa-A Oil help there?) is to chase after it swearing, farting and shaking your fists. Horses are normally vegetarian and I am informed that vegetarians find the farts of omnivores repulsive (although having eaten nut roast I have to say that veggie farts are impressively bad so why the veggie guy who told me was making that much fuss I don't know. It wasn't MY fault that the windows in his ancient horsebox / campervan wouldn't wind down and we didn't want to call attention to our somewhat wrecked state by driving along flapping the doors.)

I leave this for your consideration.

HoofHearted


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## Echo Bravo (29 October 2010)

ARRRRGGHH. So you are that Maud Ponsonby-Smythe.


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## Spudlet (29 October 2010)

Jemima_too, how DARE you question the great PF? You obviously just don't get it I will pray for you


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## *hic* (29 October 2010)

nativeponies said:



			WTF IS THAT?

is it real?
 

Click to expand...

Sadly it's what happens when idiots don't consider the parents properly when breeding ultra minis. There are various forms of dwarfism that horses can suffer from.

This is a horrid page outlining some of the problems:  You have been warned


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## Echo Bravo (29 October 2010)

And I bet they never put this in the horseandHound next week


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## eahotson (29 October 2010)

What a brilliant post.


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## nativetyponies (29 October 2010)

jemima_too said:



			Sadly it's what happens when idiots don't consider the parents properly when breeding ultra minis. There are various forms of dwarfism that horses can suffer from.

This is a horrid page outlining some of the problems:  You have been warned

Click to expand...

it is  very very very...you get the picture..rarely that i'm ever lost for words...............


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## *hic* (29 October 2010)

Spudlet said:



			Jemima_too, how DARE you question the great PF? You obviously just don't get it I will pray for you

Click to expand...

*cowers*

*counts pennies towards cost of buying banana-stick as peace offering*


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

Munchkin said:



			Dear PF,

I have owned my baby waby horsey worsey for just under a year. He is a very handsome stallion and was described in the advert as being full of character and I definitely got my money's worth. He is such a sweetie pie and is sooooooo funnyyyyyy!!!

When he first arrived he just bit the other horses so he could get to me first, how cuteeee is that! He loves me soooooo mucchhhhh! Once he kicked another girl's ponio, silly ponio for being in the way when I was in the field feeding him apples!  They had a big fight and I had to stand in the middle like a referee!

Past couple of months though, he has started to play with me! I feel like his proper horse friend and I thought it would never happen.  Sometimes I sleep in his stable so that he knows I am truly on his best friend. He is 17.2hh so there isn't much room for me but it's okay because we love each other soooooo muchhhh!!

The thing is, PF, he bites and kicks me too and I know he's just being silly (it really hurts sometimes looooool!). He hides at the back of the stable and when I walk past with his apple he launches himself at the door and grabs me - he is soooooo cheekyyy!!  2 weeks ago he bit my face and I know he didn't mean to so I told him he was a good boy so he didn't think he would be in trouble, poor baby.

I found out the day before yesterday that the girl who looked after him for me while I was in hospital hit him when he tried to play (he kicked her but he only bruised her a bit in a jokey way, he would never really hurt anyone). I was soooooooooooo upset that I phoned her and explained it is his character and that he was just upset and missing me and wanted someone to play with. She called me pink and fluffy. I don't know what that means  

I have been crying for two days because I am so upset that she was nasty to my baby boy when I was having my face mended. He didn't mean to hurt her.  Now the other people on the yard are saying things like it's a shame he didn't swallow my head. I don't think that is a very nice thing to say, my poor baby might have choked, he can't even eat an apple unless I cut it into a 8 equal sized pieces for him, so how would he have swallowed my head? They are soooo nasty to him and I think he feels like he is being bullied just because he has a playful character.

I just want my <3 baby boy <3 to be understood and accepted for who he is but these people are all horrible and just don't get it. Last week a girl smacked her horse on the nose for nipping her hand - I taught him to do that to guess which hand I was hiding the piece of apple in - now he is soooo confused 

Please tell me how to communicate with the nasty horrible people who treat their ponios and horsey worseys like animals.

Thanku sooooo muchxxx

xxx<3xxxxilovemyhorseyxxxx<3xxx

xxxxx
		
Click to expand...

Im afraid youll just have to accept that some people are just consumed with jealousy. Your ponio is just being a ponio; kicking and biting is natural and its wicked to try and stop them behaving in such a natural manner. Youre very fortunate that hes trying to Grapple with you (this is similar to Join Up, but more expensive because its better) and treat you as he would another horse. Of course he didnt mean to remove your nose and you dont really need it to breathe; you can do that through your mouth, so no harm done 
It IS unfortunate though that other people will not allow him to Grapple with them; he could easily develop psychological issues and could become depressed and dangerous as a result of the ensuing feelings of rejection and depression.
I dont know what she means by calling you pink and fluffy. Do you think thats the same as being a Bunnyhuggero? Because thats a compliment! The only people who truly love their horses are Bunnyhuggeros.
Dont worry about the other people on your yard; theyre just jealous. Ive got HD TV and Eurosport and everyone is so jealous they tell me how films end. Its most vexatious. Sadly I dont think they can be healed unless they WANT to heal and are willing to convert to Huggle Horsemanship. Of course they will have to buy my fully patented and colour-coordinated kit and the full set of 150 dvds, books, pre-worn leather chaps, and the baseball cap that says Huggle me Quick. Loads of Hugggglessssss!


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## nativetyponies (29 October 2010)

jemima_too said:



			*cowers*

*counts pennies towards cost of buying banana-stick as peace offering*
		
Click to expand...

that'll give you a learning, eh?


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

Snoozinsusan said:









Dear PapaFrita.

So pleased that you thought my beautiful boy looks so like Totilas.

I have contacted Paul Schockemohle and Edward Gal and there is now a bidding frenzy to secure him.  The bidding currently stands at £15m so someone will get a great deal!  Just as well he still has his b*******.  There will be lots of little horses just like him in a few years time, maybe in time for 2012 Olympics.

I just hope his passport turns up soon or the deal will collapse.  Should I advertise on ebay for a new one?  If I do then he'll get a new name, probably better than Donk.

Thank you so much for all your help.  10% commission will be forwarded to you on completion of the sale.  The DVDs you insisted I bought have turned out to be a real bargain!
		
Click to expand...

That's great, I'm so pleased for you but you must be careful now as everyone will be jealous of you! I'm so looking forward to seeing your boys new foals, I'm sure they will be every bit as stunning as he is 
Definitely get a passport on ebay. I think you can get him cloned on ebay as well and then you can sell your boy AND keep him


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

Spudlet said:



			Dear PF

Because I love my ponio very very much, I have been feeding him exactly the same as I eat. He has started the day with coffee and toast, then he has a sandwich and crisps for lunch and then we have beef stew for our tea! Some people keep telling he should have horse food and grass, but this seems very cruel to me as I am not prepared to feed him anything I wouldn't eat myself. So none of that vegetable rubbish, it's just not natural.

He must like it, as he often tells me he wants more food by looking at his tummy, kicking at his belly and rolling round on the floor! Do you think I could go on X Factor with this skill, as I think he is just like a breakdancer!

Yours

Ithoughtonlybabiesgotcolic
x
		
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You are SUCH a caring owner, I'm sure you won't hesitate to buy the entire Huggle Horsemanship range of goods. This includes tack, clothing, DVDS, Books and kitchen utensils. I look forward to seeing your pony on Britain's Got Talent (they don't dance on Xfactor


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## Thelwell_Girl (29 October 2010)

Dear PF,

I have another dilemma!

I seem to be quite the thread killer recently... Is there a physiological reason gor this?

Lots of love,

Ioccasionallylickbarrelsoftoxicwaste xxxxx


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## Doormouse (29 October 2010)

thelwell_girl said:



			Dear PF,

I have another dilemma!

I seem to be quite the thread killer recently... Is there a physiological reason gor this?
		
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Send PF a photo and use the banana stick on yourself, that should cure it!


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

nativeponies said:



			WTF IS THAT?

is it real?
 

sorry PF i'm butting in on your evangelical evening.

is your granpa Billy Pepperoni Graham?
		
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No, my Granpa was called GranPapa Jerry Fritter Springer.


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

cantieflower said:



			Dear PF

I have a haflinger who I paid £2000 for, he is at least 20 and has really bad legs which means he won't run off with me.  I have tried lunging him in the school but he stops and eats stuff even when I push him from behind.  He falls down when I ride him, not sure why, seems worse in the fields so I just ride on the road.  He is very rude in the stable if I give him treats so I feed him polos on a string and give him lots of toys to play with.  I have been in hospital once for concussion after he fell over when I didn't have my hat done up and now people are saying he shouldn't be ridden and it is dangerous but I think they are just jealous because they don't have a lovely ponio like mine.  What do you think?

Livery yard's worst nightmare.
		
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He sounds absolutely lovely. You should probably breed from him. I know it's quite difficult to bred from a gelding but it has been done and you could get upto £15k for your foal!
People will, of course be very jealous and accuse your horse of naughtiness when in fact he's just displaying natural equine behaviour.
May I ask why you're weraing a hat to ride? if you can ride you don't need a hat; none of the really good riders wear a hat and your tax pounds are paying to look after you should you somehow end up a vegetable. Anyone who says criticises you is just jealous.


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

WoopsiiD said:



			Sadly, both ponies I posted are very much real. The chestnut was at stud!
		
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Sadly? But both ponies were most definitely breeding material. If you can't ride 'em what else can you do with them???


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## Spudlet (29 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			You are SUCH a caring owner, I'm sure you won't hesitate to buy the entire Huggle Horsemanship range of goods. This includes tack, clothing, DVDS, Books and kitchen utensils. I look forward to seeing your pony on Britain's Got Talent (they don't dance on Xfactor 

Click to expand...

You are RIGHT oh wise one! Do you accept cheques?

Another question:

I was just at the sales and I bought a little girl ponio to keep my other ponio company. She is really cuuuuuute and she only cost 50p so she was a bargain! All her little paws point in different directions, and her knees on her back legs touch, so that means she will be a really good jumper, right?

Anyway, I want to have lots of foals as they will be really sweeeet! So do you think the stallion that WhoopsiD posted a picture of will be ok? I want to make sure they are really in love first of course! Do you think their babies will be able to jump at Badminton?

Yours

It'samaresoithastohaveafoal


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## MurphysMinder (29 October 2010)

My god that link to the dwarf miniatures is shocking, WTF is the one with trainers on?  That apart this is a brilliant thread, love it.


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## Doormouse (29 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			He sounds absolutely lovely. You should probably breed from him. I know it's quite difficult to bred from a gelding but it has been done and you could get upto £15k for your foal!
People will, of course be very jealous and accuse your horse of naughtiness when in fact he's just displaying natural equine behaviour.
May I ask why you're weraing a hat to ride? if you can ride you don't need a hat; none of the really good riders wear a hat and your tax pounds are paying to look after you should you somehow end up a vegetable. Anyone who says criticises you is just jealous.
		
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I'm so glad you agree, just what I thought.  As you say, I pay my taxes so if I become a vegetable people will just have to pay to look after me.

(This little story is in fact quite true, the owner of said haflinger was my next door neighbour at a yard!  And she did give it polos on a string!)


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## JVB (29 October 2010)

Dear PF,

How do I tell my OH how much I spend on horses?

Thanks


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

jemima_too said:



			Dear PF

I'm sorry for questioning your wisdom (your sanity is another matter, I think we'll leave that for the men in white coats) but honestly do you think that the best way of catching a Squeaky pony (btw wouldn't Alfa-A Oil help there?) is to chase after it swearing, farting and shaking your fists. Horses are normally vegetarian and I am informed that vegetarians find the farts of omnivores repulsive (although having eaten nut roast I have to say that veggie farts are impressively bad so why the veggie guy who told me was making that much fuss I don't know. It wasn't MY fault that the windows in his ancient horsebox / campervan wouldn't wind down and we didn't want to call attention to our somewhat wrecked state by driving along flapping the doors.)

I leave this for your consideration.

HoofHearted
		
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*Sigh* Clearly you haven't watched my DVDs OR enrolled on any of my Enlightenment Courses. If you had, you would understand the rationale behind the shaking of fist and farting. Also your farts wouls smell of magnolias, like mine. These (the shaking of the fist and flatulence) are VERY carefully crafted skills and most horses find this approach impossible to resist. The reason Squeak resists is that he hasn't yet found his inner ponio and is still mentally right-handed as his owner hasn't attempted to Grapple with him yet.


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## WoopsiiD (29 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Sadly? But both ponies were most definitely breeding material. If you can't ride 'em what else can you do with them???
		
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I have not bred from the chestnut myself but I did lend him to my next door neighbours, sisters, cousins niece to put to her mare. She got a nice little filly from it...or was it a colt? Not really sure what it was as its legs are so short no one can look under it.

Can I ask another question?
Nanny and Grandad have phoned and the new pony is still lying down. Will the Magic Cauliflower Stick help or does it need to be a Bananna stick?

Should we put the chestnut t o the grey before we advertise him for sale?


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

Spudlet said:



			Jemima_too, how DARE you question the great PF? You obviously just don't get it I will pray for you

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*shakes head sadly* Some people just don't understand. I shall pray also...


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

Echo Bravo said:



			And I bet they never put this in the horseandHound next week

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I SO wish they would!!! Then we, the truly enlightened, could spread the word!!!


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

jemima_too said:



			*cowers*

*counts pennies towards cost of buying banana-stick as peace offering*
		
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*angry face* ... Oooh pennies; *cash register face*


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

thelwell_girl said:



			Dear PF,

I have another dilemma!

I seem to be quite the thread killer recently... Is there a physiological reason gor this?

Lots of love,

Ioccasionallylickbarrelsoftoxicwaste xxxxx
		
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Your investment in Huggle Horsemanship has healed you and you will kill no more threads


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## nativetyponies (29 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Your investment in Huggle Horsemanship has healed you and you will kill no more threads 

Click to expand...

thank the lord......or should i say the messiah that is known as PF


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## WoopsiiD (29 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			*angry face* ... Oooh pennies; *cash register face* 

Click to expand...

I believe its called 'The Disney Smile'.

Can I break my little pony into harness by Sunday as the tax is up on my car and I was thinking that the pony could pull it.

Would I still be able to listen to the radio?


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

Spudlet said:



			You are RIGHT oh wise one! Do you accept cheques?

Another question:

I was just at the sales and I bought a little girl ponio to keep my other ponio company. She is really cuuuuuute and she only cost 50p so she was a bargain! All her little paws point in different directions, and her knees on her back legs touch, so that means she will be a really good jumper, right?

Anyway, I want to have lots of foals as they will be really sweeeet! So do you think the stallion that WhoopsiD posted a picture of will be ok? I want to make sure they are really in love first of course! Do you think their babies will be able to jump at Badminton?

Yours

It'samaresoithastohaveafoal
		
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Yes, I'll take cash, cheques and bullion 
your ponio sounds wonderful. I'm sure Hickstead had paws as well when he was a foalie and HE can jump OK, can't he? 
Whoopsie's stallion is lovely and I'm sure he'll breed loads of Badminton babies


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

JVB said:



			Dear PF,

How do I tell my OH how much I spend on horses?

Thanks
		
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Surely he pays all his salary straight to you and you give him pocket money? Why does he need to know how much you spend? It's never too much!!


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## WoopsiiD (29 October 2010)

PF can I advertise my stallion and use your name?

I think I will get more punters if they know that my stallion has been rated by the Great PF. I could charge them more with that kind shameless name dropping. Of course PF in return you are more than welcome to send a brood mare to my stud for a free cover.

NB if your mare is over 11h please supply your own step ladders. We also do Frozen Pop.


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

WoopsiiD said:



			I have not bred from the chestnut myself but I did lend him to my next door neighbours, sisters, cousins niece to put to her mare. She got a nice little filly from it...or was it a colt? Not really sure what it was as its legs are so short no one can look under it.

Can I ask another question?
Nanny and Grandad have phoned and the new pony is still lying down. Will the Magic Cauliflower Stick help or does it need to be a Bananna stick?

Should we put the chestnut t o the grey before we advertise him for sale?
		
Click to expand...

Your breeding plan sounds spot on. I've heard that's how Paul Schockemohle breeds his SJers. I'm afraid the Caulflower Stick is a poor imitation of the bananastick which is carefully weighted and balanced specifically for Huggle Horsemanship. If you really love your horse you'll skip rent and a few meals and get the genuine article.


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

nativeponies said:



			thank the lord......or should i say the messiah that is known as PF
		
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I'll answer to either of those


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## Thistle (29 October 2010)

Don't you have any drawing to do?


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

WoopsiiD said:



			I believe its called 'The Disney Smile'.

Can I break my little pony into harness by Sunday as the tax is up on my car and I was thinking that the pony could pull it.

Would I still be able to listen to the radio?
		
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With my DVDs and clothing range, certainly? As for the radio; if you wrap your ponio's ears in tinfoil and attach an old wire hanger to his browband you'll get Radio2 with no trouble at all


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

WoopsiiD said:



			PF can I advertise my stallion and use your name?

I think I will get more punters if they know that my stallion has been rated by the Great PF. I could charge them more with that kind shameless name dropping. Of course PF in return you are more than welcome to send a brood mare to my stud for a free cover.

NB if your mare is over 11h please supply your own step ladders. We also do Frozen Pop.
		
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Yes, of course I'll endorse your stallion for the very reasonable fee of £15million.


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## PapaFrita (29 October 2010)

Thistle said:



			Don't you have any drawing to do?
		
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Yes mum  I'm now signing off to do some painting and sleep. Will continue dispensing wisdom and enlightenment tomorrow


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## Thelwell_Girl (29 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Your investment in Huggle Horsemanship has healed you and you will kill no more threads 

Click to expand...

HUZZAH! *defenestrates in celebration*


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## Achinghips (29 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Katie Tango, don't answer her; she's just jealous and no doubt questioning the quality of your new mare!
		
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Excuse me, but the chap I bought her off said her neigh was "Moosic to his ears" ...... and while I'm at it, people who make jokes about fake tan should  "lighten up".


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## frazzled (30 October 2010)

Dear PF

I am looking for a new car to tow my enormous three horse trailer and can't decide between a mini or a fiat panda. Or do you think I could get away with hitching it to my motorbike?

Petrolhead


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## rubysmum (30 October 2010)

i have heard that my dressage scores will improve if i attach some dead sheep to my horse - please will you clarify what parts of a dead sheep i should attach & where


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## Thistle (30 October 2010)

frazzled said:



			Dear PF

I am looking for a new car to tow my enormous three horse trailer and can't decide between a mini or a fiat panda. Or do you think I could get away with hitching it to my motorbike?

Petrolhead
		
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Dear Petrolhead

I'll answer this as I know PF is busy. What about the environment? How dare you think of using a car to tow with. What's wrong with towing it behind your bicycle, or harnessing up the dog.

Think green my friend

greenbunnyhuggero


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## SonnysHumanSlave (30 October 2010)

This is actually my favourite ever post!!! EVER!!


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

rubysmum said:



			i have heard that my dressage scores will improve if i attach some dead sheep to my horse - please will you clarify what parts of a dead sheep i should attach & where

Click to expand...

No no no, that's all wrong; your dressage scores are rubbish because your horse is _dead CHEAP!!_ Get yourself a really expensive warmblood. Dressage judges love spirited horses so get one that's as wild as possible or 'expressive' and 'flashy' as they describe it and Bob's your uncle; you'll be up there with Carl Hester and Laura B in no time at all!


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

Thistle said:



			Dear Petrolhead

I'll answer this as I know PF is busy. What about the environment? How dare you think of using a car to tow with. What's wrong with towing it behind your bicycle, or harnessing up the dog.

Think green my friend

greenbunnyhuggero
		
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You're absolutely correct greenbunnyhuggero; there is absolutely NO need to tow a trailer with a car at all. Think of your carbon footprint!! Where would common-folk like yourselves be without celebrities like me to provide moral guidance? Now, I must nip out on my world-wide book-signing and demo tour. I've chartered concorde, dontcha know


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## Annagain (30 October 2010)

Dear PF,
My new ponio likes to play piggy back with my freinds little girlie. He is 7ft8 and she is only 5ft and im worried she is two small to carrie him. How can i incorrige him too give her a piggyback insted?

(You have no idea how hard it is typing that on an iPhone that wants to autocorrect everything!)


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## humblepie (30 October 2010)

Driving through Hertfordshire on Friday afternoon I was slightly concerned as to the bright glow in the sky - is the sun despite the overcast day....no I now realise it was PF enlightening us all......or was it PF's banana stick factory glowing in the distance.    

So PF should I wear dark glasses at all times in Herfordshire even at night?


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## 3DE (30 October 2010)

I have a piglet I am fattening up for christmas. She is getting too fat to fit in her kennel now - do you recon I could put her in the field with my horses and she could sleep in their field shelter. Do you think this would desensitise my horses to pigs?

This is actually a serious question by the way...


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## *hic* (30 October 2010)

humblepie said:



			Driving through Hertfordshire on Friday afternoon I was slightly concerned as to the bright glow in the sky - is the sun despite the overcast day....no I now realise it was PF enlightening us all......or was it PF's banana stick factory glowing in the distance.    

So PF should I wear dark glasses at all times in Herfordshire even at night?
		
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Personally I reckon it was the result of a sad accident with a cigarette lighter in the process of catching the Squeaky pony. A couple of posters may be walking a little funny this morning.

*walks away humming "Ring of Fire"*


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## Snoozinsusan (30 October 2010)

I don't believe it! Both Paul and Edward have pulled out of the most fantastic deal ever.  My gorgeous boy failed his 5 star vetting.  Only problem is - they said his ears are too big!  I don't know what they mean!







Should I trim them down a bit or do you have an alternative career for him?

You said he was so like Totilas.  Maybe Laura B would be interested?  Keep him in the UK!

Still waiting for the passport to prove his parentage.  Do you think I was duped when I bought him?  Maybe he is a rabbit.


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

annagain said:



			Dear PF,
My new ponio likes to play piggy back with my freinds little girlie. He is 7ft8 and she is only 5ft and im worried she is two small to carrie him. How can i incorrige him too give her a piggyback insted?

(You have no idea how hard it is typing that on an iPhone that wants to autocorrect everything!)
		
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I'm sorry to say that if your ponio has no rights  If she hasn't karate-chopped him in the groin then it's the same as consent and he can slap her on the bottom, make lewd whinnies and lech at her at his heart's content. I suggest that you show her my DVD set; "Self-Empowerment for the Non-Confrontational Ponio" and "How To Make that Gelding Your Bitch" so she can sort him out. Good luck!


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

humblepie said:



			Driving through Hertfordshire on Friday afternoon I was slightly concerned as to the bright glow in the sky - is the sun despite the overcast day....no I now realise it was PF enlightening us all......or was it PF's banana stick factory glowing in the distance.    

So PF should I wear dark glasses at all times in Herfordshire even at night?
		
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Ah yes, that was the self-congratulatory smugness radiating from my every pore


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## Fuzznugget (30 October 2010)

Dear PF~
I am writing you to ask about a hefty problem. My little girl has a lovely Welsh section B that is 12.2hh and quite rotund. She is a bit prone to laminitis, but has been fine since we've had her. The flapjacks seem to be doing the trick. My question is - do you think it would be ok for me to ride her? I'm only 11 stone and 5'8, and I've heard that ponios are quite hardy little things. Is there a special dvd or measuring device you have that will let me know?
Thanks in advance! 

ponysquasherextrordinaire


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## FairyLights (30 October 2010)

I <3 My Teddi said:



			This is actually my favourite ever post!!! EVER!!
		
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Me Too and just look how many views its had! over 12,000 must be a record.


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

Inky_and_Sunny said:



			I have a piglet I am fattening up for christmas. She is getting too fat to fit in her kennel now - do you recon I could put her in the field with my horses and she could sleep in their field shelter. Do you think this would desensitise my horses to pigs?

This is actually a serious question by the way...
		
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I take all queries very seriously. Coincidentally, I've just written a book called "What do I do When the Piggio I'm Fattening Up for Christmas Gets Too Big For her Kennel? Can I Put Her In The Field With My Horses to Desensitise Them?"
I won't spoil the ending for you; some people really hate that  It's available online for £34.50


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

jemima_too said:



			Personally I reckon it was the result of a sad accident with a cigarette lighter in the process of catching the Squeaky pony. A couple of posters may be walking a little funny this morning.

*walks away humming "Ring of Fire"*
		
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You mock because you do not _understand_ *shakes head sadly*


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## *hic* (30 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			You mock because you do not _understand_ *shakes head sadly*
		
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Oh damn - I suppose that's another banana-stick I've got to fork out for!


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

Snoozinsusan said:



			I don't believe it! Both Paul and Edward have pulled out of the most fantastic deal ever.  My gorgeous boy failed his 5 star vetting.  Only problem is - they said his ears are too big!  I don't know what they mean!







Should I trim them down a bit or do you have an alternative career for him?

You said he was so like Totilas.  Maybe Laura B would be interested?  Keep him in the UK!

Still waiting for the passport to prove his parentage.  Do you think I was duped when I bought him?  Maybe he is a rabbit.
		
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Paul and Edward clearly should've gone to Specsavers!! Laura will snap him up; he looks EXACTLY like Alf, how could she resist?


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## Groom42 (30 October 2010)

Oh, PF......... I can see you having to have an enforced career change! Will it never stop? How can you make it stop?  There are obviously far too many needy peeps, and needy ponios out there. You can't possibly stop - someone might slip through the PF net and make a teeny weeny mistake without your kind (and entirely altruistic ) guidance.


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

orsolya80 said:



			Dear PF~
I am writing you to ask about a hefty problem. My little girl has a lovely Welsh section B that is 12.2hh and quite rotund. She is a bit prone to laminitis, but has been fine since we've had her. The flapjacks seem to be doing the trick. My question is - do you think it would be ok for me to ride her? I'm only 11 stone and 5'8, and I've heard that ponios are quite hardy little things. Is there a special dvd or measuring device you have that will let me know?
Thanks in advance! 

ponysquasherextrordinaire
		
Click to expand...

Hello  I'm glad the flapjacks are working; to make them extra effective you should cover them with syrup and sprinkle them with icing sugar and just to make sure you toughen up her feet, trot her up and down a tarmacked road every day for about 3 hours  As for riding her; I don't see why you shouldn't; ponies can carry twice their own bodyweight easily. 
I have just released an ambidextrous laser-point measuring device which will measure everything from your ponio's height to the circumference of your girth.. I mean waist. You'll need to get the DVD set that goes with it to learn how to use it though. Good luck!!


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

horsesforever1 said:



			Me Too and just look how many views its had! over 12,000 must be a record.
		
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To be fair about 11,000 of those are me trying to keep up!!


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

jemima_too said:



			Oh damn - I suppose that's another banana-stick I've got to fork out for!
		
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It'll take more than a bananastick to save your damaged inner ponio...


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

Groom42 said:



			Oh, PF......... I can see you having to have an enforced career change! Will it never stop? How can you make it stop?  There are obviously far too many needy peeps, and needy ponios out there. You can't possibly stop - someone might slip through the PF net and make a teeny weeny mistake without your kind (and entirely altruistic ) guidance.
		
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I think Horse and Hound should give me a weekly column; clearly horse-owners of the UK need me; a clear beacon of guidance and hope to give them inspiration and enlightenment every Thursday


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## D66 (30 October 2010)

HH suggisted this week that hors oners paint the inside of their Poniowaggons I thought i woud do ours orange to match the numma and badnanges rugs groomin kit etc etc but someone on this thred sed we had too liten up so shoud i do it flapjack coler insted?  

Coordineted


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

digger66 said:



			HH suggisted this week that hors oners paint the inside of their Poniowaggons I thought i woud do ours orange to match the numma and badnanges rugs groomin kit etc etc but someone on this thred sed we had too liten up so shoud i do it flapjack coler insted?  

Coordineted
		
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I'd stick with orange as it'll match your tan and we all know how important it is to colour-coordinate EVERYTHING. Good luck!!


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## Achinghips (30 October 2010)

Dear PF
I don't think my parents love me anymore. They have stated that unless I ride my pony once every six weeks, they will move her to a different home. 

They are so unfair, last week they ran out of both brie AND rocket - I was a laughing stock when I had a friend around for afternoon tea. They also have taken to buying Diet Pepsi, rather than Diet Coke and mummy has placed my joddys in the bottom drawer of my bureau, causing me the added stress of having to bend down in order to retrieve them.  

I'm not asking for miracles, I just want them to meet me halfway. I am so unhappy. Do you think they are just going through a phase?


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

Achinghips said:



			Dear PF
I don't think my parents love me anymore. They have stated that unless I ride my pony once every six weeks, they will move her to a different home. 

They are so unfair, last week they ran out of both brie AND rocket - I was a laughing stock when I had a friend around for afternoon tea. They also have taken to buying Diet Pepsi, rather than Diet Coke and mummy has placed my joddys in the bottom drawer of my bureau, causing me the added stress of having to bend down in order to retrieve them.  

I'm not asking for miracles, I just want them to meet me halfway. I am so unhappy. Do you think they are just going through a phase?
		
Click to expand...

I think you'd better sit down, pet because you won't like what I have to say; Sadly there are unreasonable parents everywhere  They will argue that because it's their house you will have to adhere to their rules and I don't mean to scare you but they may expect you to share some of the responsibility for looking after the house by tidying your own room!!! Of course that is totally unfair!!! From this you will be able to gather that the brie, rocket and diet Pepsi are just the tip of the iceberg and there is further hardship to come   I am shocked and uphauled that they do not pander to your every whim and you should not put up with it. I suggest you compose an angry email putting all your ideas in writing. Include the phrase "parents, you have to _learn_ to be sensitive to my feelings" and you should address them as "numpties" This always has the desired effect and they will succumb instantly to your demands.
As for your pony; start referring to her as your ponio and your parents will be convinced that you love her and cannot be parted from her!! Good luck!


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## guido16 (30 October 2010)

Dear PF,
I havent read through all the letters to you so I apologise if someone has already asked about this problem.
I have some horseeeees.
I have a real nice gelding who is great in everyway except I cant get him in foal.
I have two mares in with him who are regular with their seasons, but still, he never gets in foal.
what am I doing wrong/
can you help?

Guido.


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

guido16 said:



			Dear PF,
I havent read through all the letters to you so I apologise if someone has already asked about this problem.
I have some horseeeees.
I have a real nice gelding who is great in everyway except I cant get him in foal.
I have two mares in with him who are regular with their seasons, but still, he never gets in foal.
what am I doing wrong/
can you help?

Guido.
		
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Dear Guido
I feel your pain! Clearly your mares and gelding have no wish to mate because they are in the 'friend zone'. The only way forward is to get them all drunk (Malibu is the beverage of choice for sex and impregnation) and encourage them to play Truth or Dare. He'll be knocked up and living in his own council house before you know it


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## Vixxy (30 October 2010)

Dear PF,

I have just spent the past few hours poo picking the muddy paddocks in heavy drizzle, whilst in the process of said job Mr Darcy (horse not OH)  decided to walk on the muck heap to pee. Led me to thinking how fab it would be to train Mr Darcy and Rose to poo on the muck heap. Is this even possible? Now I just need some inventive strategies to teach him how, any suggestions welcomed 

Thank you from a very tired in the arms muddy Vixxy x


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## Charem (30 October 2010)

Deer PF,

4yrs ago wen i waz on holiday i wescued a bootifal philly frm the nu 4rest. Poor baby dident hav a wug on n it waz reining!!!

She iz doin so wel, almost cnt fit fru the door in da livinroom! Neways yesterdae i noticed dat she waz leekin yellow stuf frm her ladey bitz...haz she started her period? If so do u finks she wud like tampons or towels? Nd anuva fing...do i nw need to giv her 'da talk'? I dnt wnt her makin da same miztakes dat i did nd end up wif 5 kids livin in a council flat on benefits bt i cnt help it coz ma mum iz a slag.

Fanks

Underagegotknockedupbychavnowlivingincouncilflatpaidforbyyouloosers


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## Spudlet (30 October 2010)

Dear PF

I have an ex-racehorse that I want to be a dressage horse. He weaves in his box, so I am thinking about getting a faith healer to see him! Some horrible people on my yard have suggested that I might be better off trying more turn-out and getting the stiffness he shows under saddle looked at by a vet and physio (I can'r see any stiffness, after all horses are meant to nod on every step and not ever track up, right?), but they just _don't understand_. How can I make them see that the only possible way to address this problem is to get some person out to wave their hands at him and tell me lots of totally unverifiable things about his past? Some people are just so close minded!

Yours hopefully

Greenasshe'sgrasslooking

(PS, this is a scenario I saw on TV this morning... it's a wonder she couldn't hear me ranting about mumbo-jumbo and turnout and physios from wherever she is....)


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## camilla4 (30 October 2010)

Dear PapaFrita - I have a problem and need your help.  I started riding recently 'cos I think that dressage looks really cool and want to take it up.  I  have bought all the most expensive gear - best kit, tack etc. and lots of matching saddle cloths and bandages, but no matter how much money I spend on the horse and the kit, I just can't seem to win.  How much do I need to spend to get a horse that will enable me to do Grand Prix next year?


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

Vixxy said:



			Dear PF,

I have just spent the past few hours poo picking the muddy paddocks in heavy drizzle, whilst in the process of said job Mr Darcy (horse not OH)  decided to walk on the muck heap to pee. Led me to thinking how fab it would be to train Mr Darcy and Rose to poo on the muck heap. Is this even possible? Now I just need some inventive strategies to teach him how, any suggestions welcomed 

Thank you from a very tired in the arms muddy Vixxy x
		
Click to expand...

Dear Vixxy
Anything is possible with Huggle Horsemanship!! DVDs 1-10 will enable you to Grapple with your horse (this shouldn't take more than 3 years, and you mustn't ride in that time) DVDs 11-20 will enable you achieve Huggledom (another 5 years) and once you get to DVD 30  he'll be pooing whereever you want him to and in fact you'll be able to train him to muck out and groom himself!  All full DVD sets come with a complimentary left-handed headcollar, the lunge line with the extra heavy clip and a bananastick in the colour of your choice!!


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## narkymare (30 October 2010)

i am just loving this post - h and h are mad if they dont sign papa up - hilarious!!!!


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

Charem said:



			Deer PF,

4yrs ago wen i waz on holiday i wescued a bootifal philly frm the nu 4rest. Poor baby dident hav a wug on n it waz reining!!!

She iz doin so wel, almost cnt fit fru the door in da livinroom! Neways yesterdae i noticed dat she waz leekin yellow stuf frm her ladey bitz...haz she started her period? If so do u finks she wud like tampons or towels? Nd anuva fing...do i nw need to giv her 'da talk'? I dnt wnt her makin da same miztakes dat i did nd end up wif 5 kids livin in a council flat on benefits bt i cnt help it coz ma mum iz a slag.

Fanks

Underagegotknockedupbychavnowlivingincouncilflatpaidforbyyouloosers
		
Click to expand...

You are a good, caring person. How horrible for your filly to live on the nu 4rest, and with NO rugs!!! How did she get her conditioning mix and sparkle hoof oil??? The mind boggles! Well done for rescuing her!! I'm sure she loves you SO much for saving her from living in all that _grass_ and *shudder* _mud_??
You're correct to be worried about her getting pregnant and should definitely give her 'da talk' and make sure she always goes out with condoms. On second thoughts, does she have a job? If not then she might as well get knocked up or you'll never see the back of her... Good luck!!


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

Spudlet said:



			Dear PF

I have an ex-racehorse that I want to be a dressage horse. He weaves in his box, so I am thinking about getting a faith healer to see him! Some horrible people on my yard have suggested that I might be better off trying more turn-out and getting the stiffness he shows under saddle looked at by a vet and physio (I can'r see any stiffness, after all horses are meant to nod on every step and not ever track up, right?), but they just _don't understand_. How can I make them see that the only possible way to address this problem is to get some person out to wave their hands at him and tell me lots of totally unverifiable things about his past? Some people are just so close minded!

Yours hopefully

Greenasshe'sgrasslooking

(PS, this is a scenario I saw on TV this morning... it's a wonder she couldn't hear me ranting about mumbo-jumbo and turnout and physios from wherever she is....)
		
Click to expand...

I'm afraid people are very narrow-minded and reluctant to try new therapies. They will tell you that vets and physios are NOT rip-off artists but genuine, highly-trained professionals who know a lot more about horses than do Equine Communicators. I have psychic powers myself, you know... For £47,000 and a photo of your horse, I'll get to the root of his soreness and will cure him. Actually, if you don't have a camera, you can do a rough sketch, I'm THAT good.


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

camilla4 said:



			Dear PapaFrita - I have a problem and need your help.  I started riding recently 'cos I think that dressage looks really cool and want to take it up.  I  have bought all the most expensive gear - best kit, tack etc. and lots of matching saddle cloths and bandages, but no matter how much money I spend on the horse and the kit, I just can't seem to win.  How much do I need to spend to get a horse that will enable me to do Grand Prix next year?
		
Click to expand...

Hmmm... odd. You've got ALL the gear and aren't at Grand Prix already? Veru odd indeed. Have you got a celebrity trainer? If you haven't, then you'll just have to get Carl or Laura to train you. Andrew might be available. Shame Totilas has been sold; he'd have suited you to the ground! If you do get another horse, make sure it's black; all the best riders have black horses... Well, Laura doesn't, but she's still a bit green, bless her. She'll soon learn  Good luck!!


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

narkymare said:



			i am just loving this post - h and h are mad if they dont sign papa up - hilarious!!!! 

Click to expand...

And it so happens that I'm available


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## 3DE (30 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			If you do get another horse, make sure it's black; all the best riders have black horses...
		
Click to expand...

OH PF is that true? My boy is black. Can you give any tips for breaking him in - he's only 18m but is really big so should be ok - right?


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## camilla4 (30 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Hmmm... odd. You've got ALL the gear and aren't at Grand Prix already? Veru odd indeed. Have you got a celebrity trainer? If you haven't, then you'll just have to get Carl or Laura to train you. Andrew might be available. Shame Totilas has been sold; he'd have suited you to the ground! If you do get another horse, make sure it's black; all the best riders have black horses... Well, Laura doesn't, but she's still a bit green, bless her. She'll soon learn  Good luck!!
		
Click to expand...

Ah, that coud be the problem - my horses are usually bay and my trainer is not well known.  I did try to buy Totilas as I know I'd be onto a sure thing with him, but some German beat me to it.  I might have to contact Andrew - I mean, he's done wonders for Katie Price.

Do you think more bling would help in the meantime?


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

Inky_and_Sunny said:



			OH PF is that true? My boy is black. Can you give any tips for breaking him in - he's only 18m but is really big so should be ok - right?
		
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What a great choice, well done!! Yes, 18mths is fine; they start racehorses at that age after all  Obviously, if you really _really_ love your horse you will have to start him with Huggle Horsemanship. You will find full details on how to do this in my full collection of DVDs but to start with you should purchase my patented left-handed headcollar with the lungeline with the extra heavy clip and the bananastick so you can achieve Oneness through Grappling. Remember that you can't clunk him hard enough in the face. He'll love you for it! Good luck!!


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## Annagain (30 October 2010)

Dear PF,

I'm confused. My friend says that her mare, the one my new ponio likes to play piggy back with is having a foal and she thinks my ponio is the dad. I think it's impossible because the man who sold him to me said he'd chopped his bits of himself so he can't do the job. Besides, the mare's been wearing a rug with a tail flap on it so that should surely protect her and stop him getting to her shouldn't it? Should I contact the papers and tell them the immaculate conception has happened? I could make a fortune selling the story don't you think?



Sadly the tail flap story is true. It was told to my friend when she discovered the horse she bought was in foal. At the time of buying she asked if there was any chance the mare could be in foal and was told no. Then, a few months later when she was putting on weight inexplicably, she went back to the old owner and asked her if they were sure there was no chance she was in foal. They said the colt had got into her field but she was wearing a rug with a tail flap so there was no way he could have got to her


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

camilla4 said:



			Ah, that coud be the problem - my horses are usually bay and my trainer is not well known.  I did try to buy Totilas as I know I'd be onto a sure thing with him, but some German beat me to it.  I might have to contact Andrew - I mean, he's done wonders for Katie Price.

Do you think more bling would help in the meantime?
		
Click to expand...

Bling will always add at _least_ one point to each movement. Silly of you to get bays but luckily you'll get it right now. And how TYPICAL of a German to beat you to Totilas... I bet he got up extra early and put his towel on him like a sunlounger 
I'm sure Andrew will be delighted to give you a few tips to help you get ahead


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

annagain said:



			Dear PF,

I'm confused. My friend says that her mare, the one my new ponio likes to play piggy back with is having a foal and she thinks my ponio is the dad. I think it's impossible because the man who sold him to me said he'd chopped his bits of himself so he can't do the job. Besides, the mare's been wearing a rug with a tail flap on it so that should surely protect her and stop him getting to her shouldn't it? Should I contact the papers and tell them the immaculate conception has happened? I could make a fortune selling the story don't you think?

Sadly the tail flap story is true. It was told to my friend when she discovered the horse she bought was in foal. At the time of buying she asked if there was any chance the mare could be in foal and was told no. Then, a few months later when she was putting on weight inexplicably, she went back to the old owner and asked her if they were sure there was no chance she was in foal. They said the colt had got into her field but she was wearing a rug with a tail flap so there was no way he could have got to her

Click to expand...

No no no no noooo! A tail flap is like a miniskirt and they don't work as contraception for chavs so why on earth would it work for a horse??


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## camilla4 (30 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Bling will always add at _least_ one point to each movement. Silly of you to get bays but luckily you'll get it right now. And how TYPICAL of a German to beat you to Totilas... I bet he got up extra early and put his towel on him like a sunlounger 
I'm sure Andrew will be delighted to give you a few tips to help you get ahead 

Click to expand...

Ooooo yes, a big tip from Andrew would be most welcome and I will sort out the bling immediately - at least I know I'll be guaranteed lots of 4's in my next Medium test!  That is, of course, after I sell my current, useless horsey for a better, black one.  Can't believe no-one had ever told me that befoe  - what do I pay them for?!!!

I don't remember a towel on Totilas, just a very large, blank cheque


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## TinselRider (30 October 2010)

JEZUZ I az anova qwestion 4 u....

I fed da cow dis aftanoon n she started droolin.....do u fink she iz a spaz?


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## Charem (30 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			And how TYPICAL of a German to beat you to Totilas... I bet he got up extra early and put his towel on him like a sunlounger 

Click to expand...

BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my PF..you really are Jezuz


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## Echo Bravo (30 October 2010)

I bet the Parallers are quacking in their boots worried that you will overtake them in America


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## Cinnamontoast (30 October 2010)

Dear Papa Frita, 
                     I have a problem: my ponio is in a field with lots of tasty grass and I can't get near him. I have tried waving banana fritters at him (I went to the chip shop specially ) but he just ran away very fast. Did I use the wrong equipment?


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## spotty_pony (30 October 2010)

Dear PF,

 I noticed today that my horse's feet were cold!  Do you think he needs some sort of socks to keep them warm as I know it is a bad sign if they're cold. 

Yours truly,

myhorsehascoldfeet


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

camilla4 said:



			Ooooo yes, a big tip from Andrew would be most welcome and I will sort out the bling immediately - at least I know I'll be guaranteed lots of 4's in my next Medium test!  That is, of course, after I sell my current, useless horsey for a better, black one.  Can't believe no-one had ever told me that befoe  - what do I pay them for?!!!

I don't remember a towel on Totilas, just a very large, blank cheque 

Click to expand...

I've heard he gives a wonderful tip when asked. 
Sadly there are a lot of people out there who are just in it for the money and they can't be trusted to give you reliable advice. I, on the other hand, do it purely for love.
Glad to be of help


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

boogles said:



			JEZUZ I az anova qwestion 4 u....

I fed da cow dis aftanoon n she started droolin.....do u fink she iz a spaz?
		
Click to expand...

I think she's most likely checking out a photo of Richard Armitage  Don't leave your Spooks mag in her stable/pen


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

Echo Bravo said:



			I bet the Parallers are quacking in their boots worried that you will overtake them in America

Click to expand...

Already done my friend, already done...


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

Charem said:



			BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my PF..you really are Jezuz

Click to expand...


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## TinselRider (30 October 2010)

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh i c, hmm mayb i shud put er on da pill 2 be safe innit


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

cinammontoast said:



			Dear Papa Frita, 
                     I have a problem: my ponio is in a field with lots of tasty grass and I can't get near him. I have tried waving banana fritters at him (I went to the chip shop specially ) but he just ran away very fast. Did I use the wrong equipment? 

Click to expand...

It's a bananastick you need and by the way your ponio is running away from you it is evident that you are not in touch with your inner ponio and he sees you as a human and not a kindred spirit. This will not do; I'm afraid you'll have to start him again with some Grappling, and in order to do this you will have to buy my entire DVD collection, all the books, the kit and attend a 6 month training course. If you truly love your ponio you will do this forthwith.


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## camilla4 (30 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			I've heard he gives a wonderful tip when asked. 
Sadly there are a lot of people out there who are just in it for the money and they can't be trusted to give you reliable advice. I, on the other hand, do it purely for love.
Glad to be of help 

Click to expand...

I think you are right there - my trainer says it takes years, (years, I tell you!), to get to the top and I'm sure this must be a ruse to get me to keep forking out for lessons.  After all, I see people at competitions who aren't turned out nearly as smartly as I am, who are on rather common looking horses, but who still beat me!  They clearly haven't invested nearly as much as I have.....


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

SJ_Superstars said:



			Dear PF,

 I noticed today that my horse's feet were cold!  Do you think he needs some sort of socks to keep them warm as I know it is a bad sign if they're cold. 

Yours truly,

myhorsehascoldfeet
		
Click to expand...

Yes, unfortunately it is very bad if your horse's feet are cold and you must wrap them up with my Patented Ponio Padded Pantaloons. I know you can get similar ones in the Mark Todd range but only mine will do. Any other brand will cripple your horse and make him hate you. Good luck and keep the faith!!


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## spotty_pony (30 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Yes, unfortunately it is very bad if your horse's feet are cold and you must wrap them up with my Patented Ponio Padded Pantaloons. I know you can get similar ones in the Mark Todd range but only mine will do. Any other brand will cripple your horse and make him hate you. Good luck and keep the faith!! 

Click to expand...

Thank you! I knew you would have the answer! I will order some PPPP's right now!


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## Spudlet (30 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			I'm afraid people are very narrow-minded and reluctant to try new therapies. They will tell you that vets and physios are NOT rip-off artists but genuine, highly-trained professionals who know a lot more about horses than do Equine Communicators. I have psychic powers myself, you know... For £47,000 and a photo of your horse, I'll get to the root of his soreness and will cure him. Actually, if you don't have a camera, you can do a rough sketch, I'm THAT good.
		
Click to expand...

Ooooh fantastic! Here he is:






Do you think I will get to Grand Prix on him?


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

boogles said:



			oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh i c, hmm mayb i shud put er on da pill 2 be safe innit
		
Click to expand...

Yes, good idea. You'll have to put it in her polos


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## WoopsiiD (30 October 2010)

Dear PF,

I took your advice and broke my horse into harness! It took less than 24 hours using your methods!

I'm going to save a fortune on car tax and petrol, do you have any more devices that I don't need but really must have to prove that I'm a better horsewoman than the livery in the stable next door???







Ps The stud farm is up and running!


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## WoopsiiD (30 October 2010)

Spudlet said:



			Ooooh fantastic! Here he is:






Do you think I will get to Grand Prix on him?
		
Click to expand...



I have a nice chestnut for sale! PF will vouch for him!


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

camilla4 said:



			I think you are right there - my trainer says it takes years, (years, I tell you!), to get to the top and I'm sure this must be a ruse to get me to keep forking out for lessons.  After all, I see people at competitions who aren't turned out nearly as smartly as I am, who are on rather common looking horses, but who still beat me!  They clearly haven't invested nearly as much as I have.....
		
Click to expand...

That's exactly it; it's a conspiracy. People like Carl Hester and Andrew Gould will tell you that they worked really hard to get where they are today, but to tell the truth they'd've got there a lot quicker with the right kit and bling. Of course now that it's too late for them they're jealous that other people are achieving success quicker than they did and so spread this rumour that only hard work gets you to the top. Poppycock!!


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## Kokopelli (30 October 2010)

Dear PF

I want my horse to speak whale like Dory off finding nemo, I know he's not a fish (but he did swim pretty well when we pushed him in the garden pond) but he just won't learn it! I even tried hitting him with the clip of a lead rope and flapping my elbow in his face! How do I get him to speak whale cause I think he's just taking the mic now? 

stupiddoryfan


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## Cinnamontoast (30 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			It's a bananastick you need and by the way your ponio is running away from you it is evident that you are not in touch with your inner ponio and he sees you as a human and not a kindred spirit. This will not do; I'm afraid you'll have to start him again with some Grappling, and in order to do this you will have to buy my entire DVD collection, all the books, the kit and attend a 6 month training course. If you truly love your ponio you will do this forthwith.
		
Click to expand...

Papa Frita, you are my god. I will buy a bananastick of each colour immediately. How much are they and can I get them from ebay?

Yours, 

shouldntevenbeallowedagoldfishfrankly


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## Pedantic (30 October 2010)

I am an enormous fat bitch and totally refuse to to tell you my weight, if you ask me I will report you to the Gestapo, I am thinking of buying a slightly arthritic 15 year old ex riding school pony, do you think I will be too heavy, here is a picture of me standing directly behind the pony so you cant tell how 
enormous I am.

Ring a bell with anyone..........


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## Sarah W (30 October 2010)

I'm confused. In the last few months I have bought;

vitamin pills and joint care capsules (in bathroom cabinet - unopened)
a Swiss ball to improve my balance (in bag - uninflated)
a Portuguese language course (still it's box)
a horse (still in it's stable)

and I'm still unfit/creaking/wobbly/crap at Portuguese and can't ride 

Where am I going wrong?? 

Miss Guided.


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

Spudlet said:



			Ooooh fantastic! Here he is:






Do you think I will get to Grand Prix on him?
		
Click to expand...

Ooh lovely. Yes, I'm sure he'll get to Grand Prix. He told me so himself!


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

WoopsiiD said:



			Dear PF,

I took your advice and broke my horse into harness! It took less than 24 hours using your methods!

I'm going to save a fortune on car tax and petrol, do you have any more devices that I don't need but really must have to prove that I'm a better horsewoman than the livery in the stable next door???







Ps The stud farm is up and running!
		
Click to expand...

That's fantastic, and just goes to show what can be achieved when one has enlightenment from Huggle Horsemanship.
I realise you've bought almost my entire range, but as you've just started your stud farm (congratulations by the way) you should have my bespoke faux Burberry foal pyjamas. They are only £2,500 each and can be worn once


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## Swift08 (30 October 2010)

Dear PF
I bought a horse a few weeks ago but he (I think he's a he) that was described as a rocking horse ride but he keeps rearing so I fall off backwards. I'm only 20 stone so i'm not too heavy. I want to do dressage with him next year but i'm getting scared of him. Will any of your dvd's help?
Just a picture because I think he's really cute


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

WoopsiiD said:



			I have a nice chestnut for sale! PF will vouch for him!
		
Click to expand...

This is true; he looks just like Alf and has even better movement


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## bad girl (30 October 2010)

HELP I've no money to buy a horse and no time to look after one, but I want one. I'd particually like a black Arabian stallion. Any suggestions? Oh I should mention my retired horse that I can't ride any more but have still got hence no time and money for the arab. Pls help.


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

Kokopelli said:



			Dear PF

I want my horse to speak whale like Dory off finding nemo, I know he's not a fish (but he did swim pretty well when we pushed him in the garden pond) but he just won't learn it! I even tried hitting him with the clip of a lead rope and flapping my elbow in his face! How do I get him to speak whale cause I think he's just taking the mic now? 

stupiddoryfan
		
Click to expand...

Are you sure you're getting the yank-snap right? Perhaps you've not watched the DVDs closely enough. There has to be a very lound clunk.  You mustn't give up; keep on swimming, keep on swimming!!  Your horseyo will love you for it!


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

Pedantic said:



			I am an enormous fat bitch and totally refuse to to tell you my weight, if you ask me I will report you to the Gestapo, I am thinking of buying a slightly arthritic 15 year old ex riding school pony, do you think I will be too heavy, here is a picture of me standing directly behind the pony so you cant tell how 
enormous I am.

Ring a bell with anyone..........
		
Click to expand...

Now now, don't put yourself down! Just because you're not a size zero, doesn't make you a fat bitch. I think an arthritic 15 year-old is perfect for you.  Older horses need to be kept in work and don't let anyone tell you any different. Anyone who disagrees with you is just jealous because you've got curves and boobs (probably) and they haven't.


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## eahotson (30 October 2010)

Dear Aunty Papfrita
I have a TB I keep in North Scotland in a field.I don't believe in stables and rugs or extra feed, they are not natural are they?Thing is, he looks dead common in his winter coat.Should I give him a full clip?
Gormlous


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

Sarah W said:



			I'm confused. In the last few months I have bought;

vitamin pills and joint care capsules (in bathroom cabinet - unopened)
a Swiss ball to improve my balance (in bag - uninflated)
a Portuguese language course (still it's box)
a horse (still in it's stable)

and I'm still unfit/creaking/wobbly/crap at Portuguese and can't ride 

Where am I going wrong?? 

Miss Guided.
		
Click to expand...

When will people ever learn? *sigh* If you don't buy the right brands, you might as well chuck your money on lessons or a gym. My range of DVDs, books, horsewear and riderwear will sort you out and you don't have to use them. Just send me your credit card details and I'll send you the information telepathically.


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## brighteyes (30 October 2010)

Dear PF

All this talk of new horses has set me off in search of the next occupant of my garden shed - don't worry, it's one of B&Q's deluxe models with opening windows and very fancy lattice boards along the eaves.  Anyway, I digress.  I rang up about a very suitable-sounding brown one and the lady said to come and try it.  So, she walked it out of the stable but was limping badly (the lady, not the horse). She said I'd have to ride it as her groom was off that day, but promised me it was a total schoolmistress.  Her back was bad from gardening and she had a very nasty gash on her arm and a black eye where a plant pot had fallen on her in the potting shed.

I think the horse was stung by a bee or something because it threw six of the most enormous bucks and bolted.  I don't remember an awful lot after that (or even what the lady's flowerbeds looked like, but I'm sure they must have been lovely) and wondered if you could send me some tips on how to get the best out of trying a new horse out for next time.  I'm currently in the Royal Ipswich, Ward 4.

Lardydahdiarse


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

Swift08 said:



			Dear PF
I bought a horse a few weeks ago but he (I think he's a he) that was described as a rocking horse ride but he keeps rearing so I fall off backwards. I'm only 20 stone so i'm not too heavy. I want to do dressage with him next year but i'm getting scared of him. Will any of your dvd's help?
Just a picture because I think he's really cute





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What a lovely horse  Yes the DVDs will help a LOT. If you're still scared of him in 3 years then you should think of putting him in foal and breeding a horse with a more suitable temperament


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

bad girl said:



			HELP I've no money to buy a horse and no time to look after one, but I want one. I'd particually like a black Arabian stallion. Any suggestions? Oh I should mention my retired horse that I can't ride any more but have still got hence no time and money for the arab. Pls help.
		
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Lack of time and money shouldn't stop you having you getting your own ponio. Horses basically look after themselves and it's not really necessary to worm or vaccinate them or even have their feet trimmed. Arabs are also very hardy so you won't have to feed him any hay or grain and you can keep him in your backyard. Black arabian stallions are easily available free or on permanent loan and you can find them in the Yellow Pages under 'Hallucinating Horses'
As for your old horse. Well, that's just a nuisance isn't it? How inconsiderate of him to grow old and creaky. Luckily if you put him in a sale he will no doubt find a super home as sales are frequented almost exclusively by kindly grannies who like to pamper horses and keep them in their living rooms with their cats.


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

eahotson said:



			Dear Aunty Papfrita
I have a TB I keep in North Scotland in a field.I don't believe in stables and rugs or extra feed, they are not natural are they?Thing is, he looks dead common in his winter coat.Should I give him a full clip?
Gormlous
		
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Yes, it's very inconvenient when horses get hairy and ugly like that, isn't it? Yes, give him a full clip and a bikini wax while you're at it so he looks sleek and lovely as TBs should. No need to add extra rugs.


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

brighteyes said:



			Dear PF

All this talk of new horses has set me off in search of the next occupant of my garden shed - don't worry, it's one of B&Q's deluxe models with opening windows and very fancy lattice boards along the eaves.  Anyway, I digress.  I rang up about a very suitable-sounding brown one and the lady said to come and try it.  So, she walked it out of the stable but was limping badly (the lady, not the horse). She said I'd have to ride it as her groom was off that day, but promised me it was a total schoolmistress.  Her back was bad from gardening and she had a very nasty gash on her arm and a black eye where a plant pot had fallen on her in the potting shed.

I think the horse was stung by a bee or something because it threw six of the most enormous bucks and bolted.  I don't remember an awful lot after that (or even what the lady's flowerbeds looked like, but I'm sure they must have been lovely) and wondered if you could send me some tips on how to get the best out of trying a new horse out for next time.  I'm currently in the Royal Ipswich, Ward 4.

Lardydahdiarse
		
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I'm so glad you're a responsible owner and looking after your horse properly. The shed sounds ideal and much prettier than a boring stable.
Returning to the matter at hand, I think the woman who is trying to sell you this horse might be a *shudder* _traditional_ trainer and that is why her horse, I'm sorry to tell you, was NOT stung by a bee but was being very naughty!!! I hope you've learned your lesson to trust anyone who is not a Huggle-approved trainer or handler. When you're out of hospital I'll give you a list of these and am sure you will find a wonderful, properly Huggled Horse soon.


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## bad girl (30 October 2010)

I'm moving to a mobile home on monday with a small lawn. Can i keep the arab there? They say no pets, is an arab stallion a pet? Also how much do I sell the lame retired horse for? He is 14yrs and very handsome.


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

bad girl said:



			I'm moving to a mobile home on monday with a small lawn. Can i keep the arab there? They say no pets, is an arab stallion a pet? Also how much do I sell the lame retired horse for? He is 14yrs and very handsome.
		
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Yes, that'll be fine, you can tie him to a peg in the ground if you're worried about him wandering away. I don't think an arab stallion qualifies as a pet; too big.
Your lame, retired horse would only be worth about £200 if he were like OTHER lame retired horses, but yours is very handsome so that would make him worth abouth £6000. He'll be snapped up!!


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## bad girl (30 October 2010)

Thanks for that, the £6000 will buy me a nice little four wheel drive car. x


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

bad girl said:



			Thanks for that, the £6000 will buy me a nice little four wheel drive car. x
		
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You should probably spend the £6k on my DVD and book set. Your arabian stallion with thank you for it


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## WoopsiiD (30 October 2010)

Dear PF

I'm having a problem with my chestnut stallion-the grey is no trouble, just lies there all day! Anyway.....today he had his fifth leg out and I noticed it was covered in cornflakes!

Why isn't he eating them?
Should I feed flapjacks instead?
.
.
.
Would anyone like a chocolate cornflake cake?


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

WoopsiiD said:



			Dear PF

I'm having a problem with my chestnut stallion-the grey is no trouble, just lies there all day! Anyway.....today he had his fifth leg out and I noticed it was covered in cornflakes!

Why isn't he eating them?
Should I feed flapjacks instead?
.
.
.
Would anyone like a chocolate cornflake cake?
		
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I just vomitted a little
Right, well, clearly he'll need at least 2 pints of milk before he can digest the cornflakes, but it would be much better for him if you fed him flapjacks. Good luck!!!


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## bad girl (30 October 2010)

Of course, silly me, I'll order them immediatley..


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## Zebedee (30 October 2010)

bad girl said:



			Also how much do I sell the lame retired horse for? He is 14yrs and very handsome.
		
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Ok I've pushed the button. 'How much' posts are banned.


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## bad girl (30 October 2010)

My life is ruinned now.


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## brighteyes (30 October 2010)

Dear PF

Actually, it's OK.  I have decided to buy one off a photograph I have seen in the local Free Ads paper.  I won't bother with vetting because it looks very healthy in the picture (the bits I can see) and there's one of it wearing a red rosette, so I know it has won something.  I'll bid them down to £17.5k so I can buy your DVD's 1-10, the banana stick, a left-handed headcollar (with ultra heavy-duty clunky clip lead rope) and if you'd throw in a complimentary reading on the photograph, I'd be eternally grateful.

Lardydahdiarse


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

brighteyes said:



			Dear PF

Actually, it's OK.  I have decided to buy one off a photograph I have seen in the local Free Ads paper.  I won't bother with vetting because it looks very healthy in the picture (the bits I can see) and there's one of it wearing a red rosette, so I know it has won something.  I'll bid them down to £17.5k so I can buy your DVD's 1-10, the banana stick, a left-handed headcollar (with ultra heavy-duty clunky clip lead rope) and if you'd throw in a complimentary reading on the photograph, I'd be eternally grateful.

Lardydahdiarse






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What a lovely horse. You've been very sensible to look at a photograph and with the DVDs etc you can't go wrong. I've had a chat with your new horse and he reassures me that he's perfect for you and will go far. He says he got the rosette at Badminton, so there you go!! Let me know how it goes


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## HappyHorses:) (30 October 2010)

Dear PF

I have a old horse who I used to compete with and win lots of prizes. Now this horse has started stopping jumping, even when I beat her, so I have decided that she isn't the right horse for me. She ran off with me when I hit her so I have decided she is dangerous.
Someone said to retire her but as I want to be able to ride I don't see why I should waste my money on her doing nothing in the field when I can get a shiny new horsey. Do you think I'm right?

Also someone said that if I take her to potters I might get some money for her. Is this correct? I could do with some new boots.


Yours

idontgiveash8teaboutmyhorse


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

HappyHorses:) said:



			Dear PF

I have a old horse who I used to compete with and win lots of prizes. Now this horse has started stopping jumping, even when I beat her, so I have decided that she isn't the right horse for me. She ran off with me when I hit her so I have decided she is dangerous.
Someone said to retire her but as I want to be able to ride I don't see why I should waste my money on her doing nothing in the field when I can get a shiny new horsey. Do you think I'm right?

Also someone said that if I take her to potters I might get some money for her. Is this correct? I could do with some new boots.

Yours

idontgiveash8teaboutmyhorse
		
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Well, as you know, an old, sick horse costs even more to keep than a young healthy one and what fun is it if you can't ride?? 2 horses are REALLY expensive and having 2 might mean you'd have to go out less, take fewer holidays etc. I know you think she's dangerous, but she's probably just going through a bad patch and someone else will want to put the time and effort to put her right. Give her a few bute, shave a few years off her age and advertise her for sale; you'll get more money that way than if you take her to Potters and then you can afford a really nice shiny new one.


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## HappyHorses:) (30 October 2010)

O PF you are so wise!

Now when I do her advert shall I include the line 'first to see will buy'?


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

HappyHorses:) said:



			O PF you are so wise!

Now when I do her advert shall I include the line 'first to see will buy'?
		
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Yes, and also "Very sad sale"


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## Goya (30 October 2010)

Hope you can advise please.
I have had loads of vet bills this year s want to wrap all my animals in cotton wool. can you tell me how much cotton wool to buy?


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## Bryndu (30 October 2010)

I have soooo enjoyed reading all the wonderful advice you have been offering horse owners and had been nodding in agreement at your amazingly correct answers until I spotted on a post 'Avatarisation can be bad for your pony's weight'
O MY GOD....! My 3 ponios have seen Avatar I can't tell you how many times and they all had the BIG popcorn with Big coke and wore the special 3D glasses. They have put on so much weight since the film I think they have Avatarisation. 
My question is.. was it the glasses and how do I cure them,  or,  sob.... are these not my ponios and they are tragically hooked up to some virtual ponio computer? Please help - I know you can.. time is of the vanilla essence..
Imaginationrunningawaywithme.


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

Goya said:



			Hope you can advise please.
I have had loads of vet bills this year s want to wrap all my animals in cotton wool. can you tell me how much cotton wool to buy?
		
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Well, if you WILL get a vet, you only have yourself to blame! However, I understand that you would want to avoid illness or injury in future and so advise you to get lots and lots of bubblewrap. This will protect your horse and he will not need subsequent worming or vaccinations. Good luck!


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## PapaFrita (30 October 2010)

Bryndu said:



			I have soooo enjoyed reading all the wonderful advice you have been offering horse owners and had been nodding in agreement at your amazingly correct answers until I spotted on a post 'Avatarisation can be bad for your pony's weight'
O MY GOD....! My 3 ponios have seen Avatar I can't tell you how many times and they all had the BIG popcorn with Big coke and wore the special 3D glasses. They have put on so much weight since the film I think they have Avatarisation. 
My question is.. was it the glasses and how do I cure them,  or,  sob.... are these not my ponios and they are tragically hooked up to some virtual ponio computer? Please help - I know you can.. time is of the vanilla essence..
Imaginationrunningawaywithme.
		
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Hi and thank you for your adoration  Now, about Avatarisation; it is correct to say that this will cause your horses to gain weight BUT there really is no need to worry until they blue and their eyes turn yellow. Avatarisation will also make your horse look very small and enclosed in a box, but this is just an illusion. The best way to cure avatarisation is to show your ponios Seabiscuit. This will turn them into racehorses and make them worth loads of money!


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## FunkyFilly28 (30 October 2010)

Dear PF,

Unfortunately my parents will not purchase me your DVDs so I will, of course, fail at life in general.  Apparently setting the dorms on fire at my boarding school and then streaking across the campus is frowned upon.  Not wanting to be left out on these shenanigans, however, I have stolen a javelin from the PE department and made my own fruit stick.  It is the next model up from the bananastick and it will make your horse do whatever you want.  If you manage to pierce the skin with the pointy end then it will even read your mind and fulfill all your hopes and desires.  It's £499.99 inc. P&P if you're interested...  Also, I want to do Dressage and make my pony's neck stay round and posh looking so can I attach chains to my gag and weld them to his hooves, or is there a more effective method?

Yours,

Veruca Salt


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## PapaFrita (31 October 2010)

FunkyFilly28 said:



			Dear PF,

Unfortunately my parents will not purchase me your DVDs so I will, of course, fail at life in general.  Apparently setting the dorms on fire at my boarding school and then streaking across the campus is frowned upon.  Not wanting to be left out on these shenanigans, however, I have stolen a javelin from the PE department and made my own fruit stick.  It is the next model up from the bananastick and it will make your horse do whatever you want.  If you manage to pierce the skin with the pointy end then it will even read your mind and fulfill all your hopes and desires.  It's £499.99 inc. P&P if you're interested...  Also, I want to do Dressage and make my pony's neck stay round and posh looking so can I attach chains to my gag and weld them to his hooves, or is there a more effective method?

Yours,

Veruca Salt
		
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Dear Veruca, it's lovely to see younguns show such an interest in Huggle Horsemanship. HOWEVER, I must try to discourage you from using (or creating) cheap imitations. I use only the finest materials and underage Afghan orphans to create the most sublime equipment. Once you have tried a genuine bananastick you will understand why a javelin might _seem_ to do the trick, but doesn't *pat on the head*


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## Bryndu (31 October 2010)

Dear, dear PF,
As ever, your words of wisdom and advice proved correct.
My ponios watched the Seabiscuit movie and are now happily on their way to a top flat trainer to be trained for the Derby....I shed a little tear as I packed their sangwedges.
The trainer gave me £200,000 for my ponios and I would very much like to offer you a donation of £100,000 for your Huggle Horsemanship to continue it's good work - a cheque is in the post.
Thank you so much... devoted and grateful,

Imaginationrunningawaywith me

Oh.. and by the way... look out for my ponios in the 2011 Derby...they will be the blue ones.


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## Snoozinsusan (31 October 2010)

Thanks for all your valuable advice in the past.

I have started my gorgeous lad on some training so that he is ready when Laura B visits and falls in love with him.

The only way I can get him to walk is to put a carrot on a string in front of his nose and then he tries to catch up with it.







THIS IS NOT A CARROT STICK!  It is a carrot on a stick, something different entirely!  I have not defected to the other side.  You are still the Messiah.

I have tried to clunk his head with a heavy clip but he does not react well to this. 

What am I doing wrong?  Time is of the essence as I believe LB will be contacting me soon.


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## PapaFrita (31 October 2010)

Bryndu said:



			Dear, dear PF,
As ever, your words of wisdom and advice proved correct.
My ponios watched the Seabiscuit movie and are now happily on their way to a top flat trainer to be trained for the Derby....I shed a little tear as I packed their sangwedges.
The trainer gave me £200,000 for my ponios and I would very much like to offer you a donation of £100,000 for your Huggle Horsemanship to continue it's good work - a cheque is in the post.
Thank you so much... devoted and grateful,

Imaginationrunningawaywith me

Oh.. and by the way... look out for my ponios in the 2011 Derby...they will be the blue ones.
		
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I'm so glad I was right again  and happily accept your donation. I have no doubt your ponios will be first and second in the Derby next year


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## Fellewell (31 October 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			The World-wide Tour will be kicking off at HOYS where coincidentally I shall be loading a difficult horse with nothing more than my patented left-handed headcollar, lunge-line with extra-heavy clip and a bananastick. No cameras will be allowed as some people just don't understand my Huggly Horsemanship philosophy and will be shocked when I wrap the lungeline around the horse's legs, flip him like a steer and drag him on with a tractor.They just don't GET it? Can you believe that???
I like the idea of the trampoline! Good thinking! I believe you have a natural talent for Huggly Horsemanship. I can help you develop those skills with one of my training days at a very reasonable £54,000!
		
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I can't tell you what a great piece of kit the patented left-handed headcollar is! After only 12 hrs of DVD instruction my horse will now load freely and easily onto practically any form of transport. He even loads himself, is relaxed and travels well. Unfortunately I haven't seen him since he leapt onto the Parcel Force lorry which delivered my banana stick. However I can track his progress on their website. 
As I no longer have a horse, can I be an associate and visit the local livery yard with my banana stick? I have read one of your books.


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## PapaFrita (31 October 2010)

Snoozinsusan said:



			Thanks for all your valuable advice in the past.

I have started my gorgeous lad on some training so that he is ready when Laura B visits and falls in love with him.

The only way I can get him to walk is to put a carrot on a string in front of his nose and then he tries to catch up with it.







THIS IS NOT A CARROT STICK!  It is a carrot on a stick, something different entirely!  I have not defected to the other side.  You are still the Messiah.

I have tried to clunk his head with a heavy clip but he does not react well to this. 

What am I doing wrong?  Time is of the essence as I believe LB will be contacting me soon.
		
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I'm so glad you've taken to Huggle Horsemanship with such enthusiasm and very relieved you've not strayed to the dark side of the force!! The reason the clunking isn't working, and in fact your dressage superstar is reacting badly is that you've not entirely perfected the wiggle-yank-flick technique. Also, did you remember to say _"AVADA KEDAVRA"_ in a very loud voice and were you wearing bloomers? because if you weren't then I'm afraid you'll just have to watch all the DVDs again and start from scratch. Feel the Force and good luck!!


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## frazzled (31 October 2010)

Dear PF

I am trying to buy a horse and am very frustrated. I have seen one I really like. It is a bay gelding 16.2hh with an amazing competition record ,a true schoolmaster with manners to burn, an absolute saint. The problem is the people selling want more than £50 for him. I think this is totally unreasonable, so overpriced! What am I to do?
Regards
Deluded


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## becstew (31 October 2010)

Dear PF,

I really need your help. Every time I go to put my horses bridle on he insists on running around his stable in circles with his head raised to the ceiling so even if I can catch him I can't reach to put it on. My Dad (who has no experience what so ever) says that I should hold him whilst he hits him over the head with a whip until he lowers it then my little brother can quickly put it on him. He says after a few times he will get the picture. Do you think this is a good idea or should we use one of your fruit sticks instead of a whip?

Yours faithfully,

Idiotowner


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## PapaFrita (31 October 2010)

Fellewell said:



			I can't tell you what a great piece of kit the patented left-handed headcollar is! After only 12 hrs of DVD instruction my horse will now load freely and easily onto practically any form of transport. He even loads himself, is relaxed and travels well. Unfortunately I haven't seen him since he leapt onto the Parcel Force lorry which delivered my banana stick. However I can track his progress on their website. 
As I no longer have a horse, can I be an associate and visit the local livery yard with my banana stick? I have read one of your books.
		
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Even though I receive thousands of similar testimonials every hour, it's always a joy to read another one and I'm delighted to hear of your success with your horse; his actions clearly show how much he loves and respects you. I'm always looking for new associates to continue and spread the Huggle Word. Wth a mere 6 years of DVD tuition you can join the ranks of Huggle Horsemanship Heros. Feel the Force!!


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## PapaFrita (31 October 2010)

frazzled said:



			Dear PF

I am trying to buy a horse and am very frustrated. I have seen one I really like. It is a bay gelding 16.2hh with an amazing competition record ,a true schoolmaster with manners to burn, an absolute saint. The problem is the people selling want more than £50 for him. I think this is totally unreasonable, so overpriced! What am I to do?
Regards
Deluded
		
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Dear Deluded
I feel your pain. Sellers can be so selfish in pricing their horses; how DARE they charge what they like? Surely it should be enough that you want to buy him! Don't they realise how much you _want_ him?? Next thing you know they won't be throwing in all his tack and rugs and a lorry with the price!! If I were you I'd got back and try him out several times, each time saying you'll definitely have him. This will make it hard for them to find another buyer (one silly enough to part with the asking price!). Also, when you go back you should find something slightly wrong with him; something just enough to knock the price down; perhaps he has a bump you can claim is a sarcoid, or if he snorts claim he has breathing problems!! Keep this up and in a few weeks the owners will be so fed up that they'll give him to you fo free!! Good luck!


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## eahotson (31 October 2010)

I am getting addicted to this post!


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## foraday (31 October 2010)

This is the BEST ever thread on HH (Huggly Horsemanship)!

My sanity has been tested severely over the years by Mr Pepperoni-so glad that the Early Learning Centre have taken him back to basics!

Just goes to show you that beware of imitations!


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## PapaFrita (31 October 2010)

becstew said:



			Dear PF,

I really need your help. Every time I go to put my horses bridle on he insists on running around his stable in circles with his head raised to the ceiling so even if I can catch him I can't reach to put it on. My Dad (who has no experience what so ever) says that I should hold him whilst he hits him over the head with a whip until he lowers it then my little brother can quickly put it on him. He says after a few times he will get the picture. Do you think this is a good idea or should we use one of your fruit sticks instead of a whip?

Yours faithfully,

Idiotowner
		
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Dear Idiotowner
This is not an uncommon problem, but I'm sorry to say your dad has got it wrong. No.. what you need to do is put your horse in a school, preferably with loads of people watching. Using my patented left-handed headcollar, the lungeline with the extra heavy clip and the bananastick you should use wiggle-yank-flick to bemuse your horse. Then you'll have to use the lungeline to pick up his front leg. Hold it up so he becomes submissive. If he gets upset, use an assistant to help you hold and pull the lungline; he mustn't break away. If all else fails, then use a bit of my special Huggle Horsemanship baler twine under his lip and above his teeth. This may cause redness, but this is natural, so OK. In fact all of these techniques exactly replicate the way horses behave in the wild and so are totally humane. Carry on as long as necessary although you shouldn't have to continue for more than 6 or 7 hours. If anyone complains or films the events and puts them on Youtube, don't worry, you can always point out that they haven't been blessed by the bananastick and just _don't get it_. That's their lookout; you have absolutely no need to justify your actions. Also, as further damage limitation, you should share your sandwich with your horse. This will convince any doubters that you are a good, kind person, that you have only your horse's best interests at heart and that he luuuurves you and respects you. Keep up the good work!!!


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## Happy Hunter (31 October 2010)

I quote- Hi all, looking for some advice please... my horse lost her shoe this morning. Do you think it would be okay to ride with one shoe and the other foot in a cavallo hoof boot, or should I pull off the other shoe and put the pair of Cavallos on?

This was an ACTUAL post!


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## bad girl (31 October 2010)

Dear PF you are sooooo amazing and clever, this post has become the highlight of my day (but then I lead a very sad life), I have ordered my black arabian stallion, he will arrive tomorrow. Will he be ok on his own or should I get a companion for him? I also want to teach him tricks, like cooking my dinner and doing the hoovering, is this possible? :rolleyes


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## PapaFrita (31 October 2010)

Happy Hunter said:



			I quote- Hi all, looking for some advice please... my horse lost her shoe this morning. Do you think it would be okay to ride with one shoe and the other foot in a cavallo hoof boot, or should I pull off the other shoe and put the pair of Cavallos on?

This was an ACTUAL post!
		
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Hi there. No need to use a horse boot; just chop the end off a welly, preferably one with daisies as this is more natural, and put it on the hoof. If you'd prefer him to wear a matching pair of wellies you could prise the remaining hoof off with a butter knife. Don't worry if you break bits of hoof off; they can't feel anything under the horn anyway and it'll soon grow back. Good luck!!


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## PapaFrita (31 October 2010)

bad girl said:



			Dear PF you are sooooo amazing and clever, this post has become the highlight of my day (but then I lead a very sad life), I have ordered my black arabian stallion, he will arrive tomorrow. Will he be ok on his own or should I get a companion for him? I also want to teach him tricks, like cooking my dinner and doing the hoovering, is this possible? :rolleyes
		
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No need to get a companion. Once you've studied my DVD set you will be so in tune with your horse that he won't be interested in being with other horses. You could probably teach him to do ALL the housework and also do your tax returns. My DVDs really ARE that good!


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## PapaFrita (31 October 2010)

eahotson said:



			I am getting addicted to this post!
		
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It's all educational


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## PapaFrita (31 October 2010)

foraday said:



			This is the BEST ever thread on HH (Huggly Horsemanship)!

My sanity has been tested severely over the years by Mr Pepperoni-so glad that the Early Learning Centre have taken him back to basics!

Just goes to show you that beware of imitations!
		
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Yes, the Early Learning Centre are big supporters of mine  Just goes to show how imitators and dilettantes will always get their comeuppance...


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## WoopsiiD (31 October 2010)

Dear PF

Thanks to your wonderful advice I have succesfully bred the first of what may prove to be a long line of Olympic winners!
In honour of you I have decided to call him PapaFrita Midget. Should I keep him entire? I believe he has a simply wizard future in front of him!


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## tinkandlily (31 October 2010)

Phew finaly got though all the posts 

Now then, i have a tb mare who refuses to load, i've tried beating her up the ramp, locking her in over night to get her over her fear, and getting others to whack her with a brush whilst i pull from the front, but without success, i don't understand why she's being such a mard a*se, she had an accident a couple of years ago and people are telling me thats why she's afraid, but she should be over that by now surely,shouldn't she?, so i've been thinking of getting a winch installed in the trailer to drag her up?, or making some sort of skates to put on and wheel her up, do you sell those? which do you think is best?


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## brighteyes (31 October 2010)

Dear PF

Flushed with success at my purchase of a surefire Badminton horse, I thought I'd do an in-hand class as preparation for next year's debut at a three-day event.  After all, I need to see how he behaves in company.  In line with my conversion to using natural PF methods and products, I wondered if you had a suggestion or remedy for my latest dilemma.  

These show creatures I understand need to be divested of every scrap of surplus hair in order that their beauty and confirmation is able to be fully scrutinised and that the mandatory covering of fat is equally distributed at the depth of three inches across the entire body.  This last I have addressed with unlimited access to M&S Finest Flapjacks and now am faced with the problem of those untidy little whiskers.

All was going well (full clip undertaken while horse was sedated with Night Nurse - a Forum favourite) but in the process of singeing the cat hairs away, my B&Q deluxe garden chalet with opening windows and lattice decoration to the eaves caught fire and burned to the ground.  

I was using the blowtorch from my kitchen, which finishes off a crème brûlée to perfection, but my horse doesn't seem to want to let me remove the whiskers from above its eyes with this.  What should I do?

Yours finally, Lardydahdiarse


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## PapaFrita (31 October 2010)

WoopsiiD said:



			Dear PF

Thanks to your wonderful advice I have succesfully bred the first of what may prove to be a long line of Olympic winners!
In honour of you I have decided to call him PapaFrita Midget. Should I keep him entire? I believe he has a simply wizard future in front of him!






Click to expand...

What a stunner! And so athletically built!! You must keep in entire at all costs! Even if he were a hairy orange dachshund cross (which obviously he's not!) it's cruel to castrate colts. I'm sure he has a glittering future ahead of him


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## PapaFrita (31 October 2010)

tinkandlily said:



			Phew finaly got though all the posts 

Now then, i have a tb mare who refuses to load, i've tried beating her up the ramp, locking her in over night to get her over her fear, and getting others to whack her with a brush whilst i pull from the front, but without success, i don't understand why she's being such a mard a*se, she had an accident a couple of years ago and people are telling me thats why she's afraid, but she should be over that by now surely,shouldn't she?, so i've been thinking of getting a winch installed in the trailer to drag her up?, or making some sort of skates to put on and wheel her up, do you sell those? which do you think is best?
		
Click to expand...

Hmmm, it's possible that your horse has previously been handled by 'traditional' methods. I like to refer to these as the 'Neanderthal Technique'. I think she's just being difficult. Your approach is basically correct, but I can't help but notice that you're not using a Huggly Horsemanship bananastick or brush!! Therein lies the error of your ways!! You can use a winch, of course, but it has to be a Huggly Horsemanship Endorsed winch, which is the only humane approach. Once you have these items you will have no trouble at all loading your mare!


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## PapaFrita (31 October 2010)

brighteyes said:



			Dear PF

Flushed with success at my purchase of a surefire Badminton horse, I thought I'd do an in-hand class as preparation for next year's debut at a three-day event.  After all, I need to see how he behaves in company.  In line with my conversion to using natural PF methods and products, I wondered if you had a suggestion or remedy for my latest dilemma.  

These show creatures I understand need to be divested of every scrap of surplus hair in order that their beauty and confirmation is able to be fully scrutinised and that the mandatory covering of fat is equally distributed at the depth of three inches across the entire body.  This last I have addressed with unlimited access to M&S Finest Flapjacks and now am faced with the problem of those untidy little whiskers.

All was going well (full clip undertaken while horse was sedated with Night Nurse - a Forum favourite) but in the process of singeing the cat hairs away, my B&Q deluxe garden chalet with opening windows and lattice decoration to the eaves caught fire and burned to the ground.  

I was using the blowtorch from my kitchen, which finishes off a crème brûlée to perfection, but my horse doesn't seem to want to let me remove the whiskers from above its eyes with this.  What should I do?

Yours finally, Lardydahdiarse
		
Click to expand...

Dear Lardydahdiarse
A wise man once told me that a horse with whiskers was like a beautiful woman with skanky long underarm hair. Some foolish bunnyhuggero countered by pointing out that women don't need their underarm hair to find their way in the dark, but that's neither here nor there. The point is, if you don't want your horse to look like a superannuated hippy with hairy pits, smelling of biscuits and with dirty fingernails, the whiskers and in fact all surplus hair MUST go. You've got off to a good start; making sure your horse is calm and relaxed. I fear the blowtorch might be a touch inaccurate when it comes to removing hair (facial and other) and your property seems to be suffering, so I suggest you shave the entire body and then wax the 'eyebrows'. Hope this helps and look forward to seeing you wobbling around HOYS


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## reindeerlover (31 October 2010)

Dear PF,

I think your advice is fantastic and therefore wonder if you can assist me with several problems.

1. My horse is very lazy, I am unable to feed him any grass/apples/sugar/chaff/carrots as he needs to be on a natural and low sugar diets and my feed store does not have anything other than the above. I make him gallop regularly on rocky ground to harden his feet up as he is barefoot (as shoes cause cancer and suchlike) but he spends all his time lying down in the stable groaning like dogs do when you rub their ears. I know he is not thin as he eats ricecakes every second day but I have to beat him with my left handed banana stick to make him get up and gallop. Please can you help?

2. I am best friends with the RSPCA as I phone them all the time to report such cruelties as horses not wearing enough/matching rugs, horses with shoes on, horses who get fed daily, horses who have to eat grass etc but they have stopped rushing to meet my every demand now- I am upset at this as I donate 50p once a year when the little old lady shakes the tin at me but I am seriously considering refusing to donate any further. Surely they do not care about animal welfare and should immediately drop everything and run when I call?

3. There is a poor little darling pony (like those athletic ones in the above pictures) who lives in a field but is unable to see as it has a funny mask on- I know it is halloween but I the poor pony cannot see! I keep taking it off when I see it and also the hannibal lector mask it sometimes wears but some evil creature keeps putting it back on! What can I do? Should I steal it and sell it on ebay?

Worried from Buckinghamshire.


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## Rosiefan (31 October 2010)

Dear PF
I wonder if you can tell me how to get rides on top-class horses. I am 14 and three quarters and have been riding for nearly a year already. My Mum says I should be on the junior eventing team but I just need to get a horse and learn how to do dressage and cross-country properly first. It's not fair because everybody else has very expensive horses bought for them and my parents are just ordinary people although we don't live in a council house of course.
I have written letters to lots of famous people (like that german person - Swanky Von Grooveson) asking them to let me ride their horses but nobody has answered.
Thinking about it, do you have any Olympic racehorses? I would ride them for you if you like and would definitely get on the team and win a gold medal.
Yours hopefully
JuniorTeamProspect


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## eahotson (31 October 2010)

Dear Papafrita
My human has a problem with tractors.Every time she is sitting on me and a tractor goes past she panics.I have tried to explain to her that they are harmless but she is stuborn and won't listen.Do you think your DVDs will help her (and me!). Red


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## PapaFrita (31 October 2010)

Farrierlover said:



			Dear PF,

I think your advice is fantastic and therefore wonder if you can assist me with several problems.

1. My horse is very lazy, I am unable to feed him any grass/apples/sugar/chaff/carrots as he needs to be on a natural and low sugar diets and my feed store does not have anything other than the above. I make him gallop regularly on rocky ground to harden his feet up as he is barefoot (as shoes cause cancer and suchlike) but he spends all his time lying down in the stable groaning like dogs do when you rub their ears. I know he is not thin as he eats ricecakes every second day but I have to beat him with my left handed banana stick to make him get up and gallop. Please can you help?

2. I am best friends with the RSPCA as I phone them all the time to report such cruelties as horses not wearing enough/matching rugs, horses with shoes on, horses who get fed daily, horses who have to eat grass etc but they have stopped rushing to meet my every demand now- I am upset at this as I donate 50p once a year when the little old lady shakes the tin at me but I am seriously considering refusing to donate any further. Surely they do not care about animal welfare and should immediately drop everything and run when I call?

3. There is a poor little darling pony (like those athletic ones in the above pictures) who lives in a field but is unable to see as it has a funny mask on- I know it is halloween but I the poor pony cannot see! I keep taking it off when I see it and also the hannibal lector mask it sometimes wears but some evil creature keeps putting it back on! What can I do? Should I steal it and sell it on ebay?

Worried from Buckinghamshire.
		
Click to expand...

Dear Worried. I'm glad you're concerned about your horse's feet; you are correct that shoes will give him cancer and you're doing well to harden up his feet. His diet sounds perfectly adecuate so I think he must have learnt to act as if he's tired/sick/in pain. If he doesn't get any better soon I'm afraid you might have to consider feeding him flapjacks as these are almost as natural as ricecakes and  will perk him up a bit.
I'm sorry to tell you that the RSPCA are only really intersted in the welfare stories that make the news; the ones that look impressive like dead horses lying in the mud and not the daily stories of shocking cruelty and neglect such as those you describe! I can only surmise that they've become so used to shod horses wearing no rugs that they are no longer interested. This is of course a very sad turn of events and you should immediately stop donating. Your 50p a year should guarantee instant action, otherwise what are you paying for?
As for the ponies in the masks.. It is disgusting that horse owners continue to degrade their horses in this way. How would they like it if someone put a hideous Klu Klux Klan hood on them when it gets sunny and there are flies about??  What if people assume they're racist ponios and attacks them???? And depriving a pony of grass is just evil; they should be able to eat much as they like. What if someone assumes they're serial killers????? I tell you... masks like these demean horseys and ponios nationwide. You're quite right to remove them but you must not perpetuate the evil; burn them on a pyre instead, preferably during the full moon and whilst chanting incantations.


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## PapaFrita (31 October 2010)

Rosiefan said:



			Dear PF
I wonder if you can tell me how to get rides on top-class horses. I am 14 and three quarters and have been riding for nearly a year already. My Mum says I should be on the junior eventing team but I just need to get a horse and learn how to do dressage and cross-country properly first. It's not fair because everybody else has very expensive horses bought for them and my parents are just ordinary people although we don't live in a council house of course.
I have written letters to lots of famous people (like that german person - Swanky Von Grooveson) asking them to let me ride their horses but nobody has answered.
Thinking about it, do you have any Olympic racehorses? I would ride them for you if you like and would definitely get on the team and win a gold medal.
Yours hopefully
JuniorTeamProspect
		
Click to expand...

I'm so sorry that you have parents who are too selfish to buy you a top olympic prospect. They have a house, don't they? They should remortgage and give you the chance to fulfil your potential. Now that I've given it a bit of thought, that Totilas has just been bought and I don't think Paul has found a rider yet. Perhaps you should give him a call. Don't forget to tell him how good you are at doing round the world and scissors. I'm sure you'll be snapped up! Good luck!


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## PapaFrita (31 October 2010)

eahotson said:



			Dear Papafrita
My human has a problem with tractors.Every time she is sitting on me and a tractor goes past she panics.I have tried to explain to her that they are harmless but she is stuborn and won't listen.Do you think your DVDs will help her (and me!). Red
		
Click to expand...

Dear Red, 
Are you quite sure it's the tractor she's afraid of, or the Cornishman driving it? Tractors are almost invariably driven by Cornishmen and these are scary because they have incomprehensible accents, wear smocks and floppy hats and suck on a bit of straw. The DVDs will certainly help, but so will a hip flask full of whiskey. I suggest you get her one for Christmas and then make sure she drinks up before you go out together.
Good luck!


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## Kiribati_uk (31 October 2010)

Fabulous


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## LeneHorse (31 October 2010)

dear PF

I have learnt more on this thread in the last few days than in 20 plus years of horse ownership/riding! Long may it continue
Today though I was very lazy and rode out on my horsey without brushing every inch of her and putting on all her gadgets. Even worse I was dressed in hi viz joggy bottoms. She behaved very strangely, walking out on a long rein instead of rearing and jogging. I got some right funny looks from the other riders who had their horses heads pulled in properly with draw reins etc and were dressed properly in KP gear. Have I ruined her forever by riding in this sloppy way? 

worried hacker


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## PapaFrita (31 October 2010)

LeneHorse said:



			dear PF

I have learnt more on this thread in the last few days than in 20 plus years of horse ownership/riding! Long may it continue
Today though I was very lazy and rode out on my horsey without brushing every inch of her and putting on all her gadgets. Even worse I was dressed in hi viz joggy bottoms. She behaved very strangely, walking out on a long rein instead of rearing and jogging. I got some right funny looks from the other riders who had their horses heads pulled in properly with draw reins etc and were dressed properly in KP gear. Have I ruined her forever by riding in this sloppy way? 

worried hacker
		
Click to expand...

Dear Worried Hacker
I'm afraid if you want to progress in your riding you will have to ride in full and correct riding gear every time (although a hat isn't necessary), you must be perfectly tack and colour-coordinated and you MUST wear all your gadgets. It simply isn't good enough to just go 'on a hack'. _Proper_ riders don't HACK! In fact there is no need for you ever to leave the school. And you should never allow your horse to wander along on a loose rein; _proper_ riders have horses that jog or prance.
Never mind, I'm sure you've learned from your mistake and I expect in a few months you will have recovered your old horse. Good luck


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## Groom42 (1 November 2010)

You have no idea how difficult it is now, when I read some posts,  not to reply, "Ask Papa Frita!"


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## PapaFrita (1 November 2010)

Groom42 said:



			You have no idea how difficult it is now, when I read some posts,  not to reply, "Ask Papa Frita!"
		
Click to expand...

And I'm very tempted to reply. Always happy to help  I am a bit stuck in 'sarcastic' mode though...


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## eahotson (1 November 2010)

My ponio doesn't want to go in my trailer anymore.I have no idea why! Its a 3 horse equitreck with living and I tow it with a mini, so its a perfect match.It does sway around a lot, but saves me a lot of money on petrol going down hill as it pushes the car down, and halfway  up the next hill.Lorry drivers are very friendly towards us, frequently flashing their headlights at us and blasting on their horns.A lot of traffic does that actually.Perhaps they are admiring the very steady sensible and slow way we go up hills.Have you any helpful sugestions on how I might persuade him to start loading again?


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## piggyinablanket (1 November 2010)

Dear PF

I just buyed a little horse for my dorter from a man in a caravan she wanted one for a long time. I bought a very little one cuz she only been to riding once for her mates party so I thought she cant handle a growed up one yet. I fink we have something dead spesial cuz the man said it was green and when it grows bigger it will have feafhers. We think it might be a very spesial type (tho I cant see the green yet its a black and white one so far.) Cant wait till the feafhers grow wont it be a good one to put on youtube a green horse with feafhers *egxited* We paid the man extra for this too, we were all very happy. 
My ask is this. I red that u need to get the baby ones to 'see' traffic, cars and that, but when my girl rode it up the A14 it went a bit funny and ran to the fense on the grassy bit. it was shakin all over and wouldnt move. I red that ther is a illness called wobblers I fink thats what it did. Shud I take it back to the man and ask him to swap it for a black one that wont go green? Perhaps thats why its started to go all funny?

Fanks.
Ima totalpratt


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## scatty_mare (1 November 2010)

Dearest Pf me old chum,

I would be honoured to become a Fellow of Huggly Horsemanship! I think I may even be able to offer you more than just my expertise however, I have a business proposition for you! 

You may remember in my last post I mentioned my naughty horse's troublesome habit of spurting blood from his nostrils when we go hunting. I do think it is quite unreasonable of him, after all, it's not like he's ridden every week or anything so he really can't complain about spending one day every 3 weeks galloping around and leaping over hedges!

So anyway, it was the opening meet on Saturday, so obviously he hadn't been ridden for a good 6 months - you'd think he'd be well rested and raring to go! But no. After just a short gallop up a 4 mile hill he was spewing blood all over the place and the ninny mollycoddling field master sent me home! 
Honestly what  waste of time and money! And I'd even gone to all the trouble of getting my groom to brush the horse and plait its hair and everything. I was so mad at the horse that I galloped him all the way back to the trailer and downed my hipflask before we drove back home as fast as I could (we nearly hit 90 mph at one point!).

So this was a real problem dear PF, but I used my splended manly brain to come up with a solution and have invented a new super product!

I was just going through my groom's handbag yesterday, this is something I like to do from time to time. And anyway, I came across one of those 'lady plugs', you know, that ladies use. Anyway, I thought it might be worth trying to stick it up the horse's nose to see if it would stem the flow. Well, what a find! It fits a treat, and even has a handy little string on the end so you can pull it out again when you are done! I put one in the left nostril yesterday before I took the horse for a 2 hour galloping 'work out', and success! While there was blood pouring out of the right side, the left side was dry as a bone! And the bonus is you don't even need to change it, it is still in there and shows no signs of working its way loose!

This is giving me great hope for the future!
So my proposition is this: I am thinking of patenting it and wondering if you would like to market it for me, for a share of the profits of course. My other alternative is taking it on dragon's den, but I don't like that Deborah Meadon, she has ideas far above her station.

All the best, 
Jammychauvinistsexpest


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## Natch (1 November 2010)

Dear PF

When is your book "10001 questions answered" coming out? I have the full content here. I will publish it for you in return for payment of 1 set of banana stick, rope, brushes and DVDs, and 99.9% of the profits (less of course expenses). You will make litereally pennies. I have my own desktop printer and Microsoft Word so it will get done dead professional like, and I'll throw in binding (by a hippo-shaped stapler) for free.

So how about it?

Yours,

Mr Fattycat Banker


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## Bruised (1 November 2010)

PF: You post has most certainly livened up a tedious day in the office.


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## PapaFrita (1 November 2010)

eahotson said:



			My ponio doesn't want to go in my trailer anymore.I have no idea why! Its a 3 horse equitreck with living and I tow it with a mini, so its a perfect match.It does sway around a lot, but saves me a lot of money on petrol going down hill as it pushes the car down, and halfway  up the next hill.Lorry drivers are very friendly towards us, frequently flashing their headlights at us and blasting on their horns.A lot of traffic does that actually.Perhaps they are admiring the very steady sensible and slow way we go up hills.Have you any helpful sugestions on how I might persuade him to start loading again?
		
Click to expand...

I must applaud your choice of such an economical vehicle to move your horse around; we must be mindful of the environment. I'm sure the drivers of lorrie are similarly congratulating you on your eco-friendly transport! As for your horse, I think some incense sticks in the trailer will make it more inviting and relaxing for him; I suspect he finds shows a bit stressful. Hope this works! Good luck


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## Kaya_08 (1 November 2010)

how do you fit a pessoa please


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## PapaFrita (1 November 2010)

artysteph said:



			Dear PF

I just buyed a little horse for my dorter from a man in a caravan she wanted one for a long time. I bought a very little one cuz she only been to riding once for her mates party so I thought she cant handle a growed up one yet. I fink we have something dead spesial cuz the man said it was green and when it grows bigger it will have feafhers. We think it might be a very spesial type (tho I cant see the green yet its a black and white one so far.) Cant wait till the feafhers grow wont it be a good one to put on youtube a green horse with feafhers *egxited* We paid the man extra for this too, we were all very happy. 
My ask is this. I red that u need to get the baby ones to 'see' traffic, cars and that, but when my girl rode it up the A14 it went a bit funny and ran to the fense on the grassy bit. it was shakin all over and wouldnt move. I red that ther is a illness called wobblers I fink thats what it did. Shud I take it back to the man and ask him to swap it for a black one that wont go green? Perhaps thats why its started to go all funny?

Fanks.
Ima totalpratt
		
Click to expand...

I'm glad to hear you've not done anything as boring and predictable as go to a reputable dealer; everyone knows that dealers are all con artists who sell old, mad or lame horses so going to a man in a caravan was much more sensible.
Your pony sounds like a vanner; this means she's designed to pull a cart and the reason she got upset on the A14 is that she's used to being part of the traffic and not the audience. Next time you take her onto the motorway, make sure she's attached to a cart and trot her as fast as possible on the hard shoulder. She'll be fine


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## Groom42 (1 November 2010)

Sorry, PF - you're WRONG on THIS ONE!!!!!!!
The only way to do it properly is to go down the MIDDLE of the A14, to make sure all those pesky cars have to stop, I thought EVERYONE knew that! 

Forget the bl***y hard shoulder!


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## PapaFrita (1 November 2010)

scatty_mare said:



			Dearest Pf me old chum,

I would be honoured to become a Fellow of Huggly Horsemanship! I think I may even be able to offer you more than just my expertise however, I have a business proposition for you! 

You may remember in my last post I mentioned my naughty horse's troublesome habit of spurting blood from his nostrils when we go hunting. I do think it is quite unreasonable of him, after all, it's not like he's ridden every week or anything so he really can't complain about spending one day every 3 weeks galloping around and leaping over hedges!

So anyway, it was the opening meet on Saturday, so obviously he hadn't been ridden for a good 6 months - you'd think he'd be well rested and raring to go! But no. After just a short gallop up a 4 mile hill he was spewing blood all over the place and the ninny mollycoddling field master sent me home! 
Honestly what  waste of time and money! And I'd even gone to all the trouble of getting my groom to brush the horse and plait its hair and everything. I was so mad at the horse that I galloped him all the way back to the trailer and downed my hipflask before we drove back home as fast as I could (we nearly hit 90 mph at one point!).

So this was a real problem dear PF, but I used my splended manly brain to come up with a solution and have invented a new super product!

I was just going through my groom's handbag yesterday, this is something I like to do from time to time. And anyway, I came across one of those 'lady plugs', you know, that ladies use. Anyway, I thought it might be worth trying to stick it up the horse's nose to see if it would stem the flow. Well, what a find! It fits a treat, and even has a handy little string on the end so you can pull it out again when you are done! I put one in the left nostril yesterday before I took the horse for a 2 hour galloping 'work out', and success! While there was blood pouring out of the right side, the left side was dry as a bone! And the bonus is you don't even need to change it, it is still in there and shows no signs of working its way loose!

This is giving me great hope for the future!
So my proposition is this: I am thinking of patenting it and wondering if you would like to market it for me, for a share of the profits of course. My other alternative is taking it on dragon's den, but I don't like that Deborah Meadon, she has ideas far above her station.

All the best, 
Jammychauvinistsexpest
		
Click to expand...

I'm sorry to disappoint you Jammychauvanistsexpert but I've already patented the Muzzle Mooncup for Nasal Bleeding. It's a bigseller already


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## PapaFrita (1 November 2010)

Naturally said:



			Dear PF

When is your book "10001 questions answered" coming out? I have the full content here. I will publish it for you in return for payment of 1 set of banana stick, rope, brushes and DVDs, and 99.9% of the profits (less of course expenses). You will make litereally pennies. I have my own desktop printer and Microsoft Word so it will get done dead professional like, and I'll throw in binding (by a hippo-shaped stapler) for free.

So how about it?

Yours,

Mr Fattycat Banker
		
Click to expand...

Gosh, how very generous and altruistic of you. I'm very intersted indeed in making a few pennies on my book. I'm sure my friend Joanne Rowling would on her books as well; she's written something a bit daft about a boy wizard.... poor thing, I don't think she's done quite as well as me. Anyway, we'll be in touch!


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## PapaFrita (1 November 2010)

my-princess-pony said:



			Hello Pappa Fritter

As I am new to the forum I have found this thread the most helpful yet. I do have a slight issue that I would like you to help me out with.
I have had my new horse for a week now ( its a great big one), however it wont eat. The lady I bought it off said it licked extra strong mints some and mum went to Bookers Cash and Carry and got several boxes.
Excitedly we filled the kitchen bowl with these yummies and left it next to the cats feed bowl in the utilty. Imagine our dismay when the next morning they remained untouched.
We then realised we must have bought a "thick one" !!!
Do you think we need to enlarge the cat flap ? I have heard that horses can get out through the smallest gap, so we thought the standard size flap would be alright.
Also my friend says that I should take the wrappers of the mints first but I have heard that horses kept on their own can get bored, so we though we would like him to try and unwrap them to relieve this.
Also as I want to build a bond of trust between us, I leave the garden gate open as I dont want him to feel trapped. He has now been gone for two days. Is it too early to start worrying or should I lay a trail of the mints from his last home to my front door.

Please advise
		
Click to expand...

A horse can indeed squeeze into a gap as big as his head, so I can't imagine why your horse was unable to get into the kitchen. Did you remember to keep him indoors for 3 weeks before letting him out?? If you didn't, then you will have to try and lure him back with mints or kippers. Not many people know that horses adore kippers. 
I hope you find him soon!!


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## PapaFrita (1 November 2010)

Bruised said:



			PF: You post has most certainly livened up a tedious day in the office.
		
Click to expand...

And it's very educational, is it not??


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## Graureiter (1 November 2010)

Howdy Pardner, Papa Frita.

My Percheron mare had been a quite good stadium jumper and eventer, except that those prejudiced judges never gave her any blue ribbons. ( but I digress).
Lately she started just walking through jumps, even using the Asparagus stick I got from a local Guru Cowboy did not help to make her go any faster.
A snarky traditional trainer at my boarding barn suggested I retire her. But why should I deprive her, at only thirty one years of age, of the joys of competing ? Wouldn&#8217;t that be abuse?
The Guru Cowboy suggested that I start competing in western classes since my horse is now going really slow and with her nose almost on the ground. Just like a proper Western Pleasure horse.
 So I bought a saddle, spurs, and bridle ( all turquoise studded ) and a very fancy mexican spade bit from him.

My question Is. 
Do You think the turquoise tack will clash with my purple sequined disco cowboy outfit?
After all, one does not want to commit a fashion faux pas!

Yours, with a hearty &#8220; Hi Ho Rosinante!&#8221;
The Cincinnati Kid.  
(aka Iwannabeasuburbanrhinestonecowboy)


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## PapaFrita (1 November 2010)

Kaya_08 said:



			how do you fit a pessoa please
		
Click to expand...

Good question. Well, this is largely a subjective matter; Nelson is getting on a bit now and looking a bit craggy. Rodrigo has got youth on his side and that smouldering latin mono-brow look... On balance I think Rodrigo is the fitter of the two although I'm sure Nelson was a very handsome man in his day...


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## PapaFrita (1 November 2010)

Groom42 said:



			Sorry, PF - you're WRONG on THIS ONE!!!!!!!
The only way to do it properly is to go down the MIDDLE of the A14, to make sure all those pesky cars have to stop, I thought EVERYONE knew that! 

Forget the bl***y hard shoulder!
		
Click to expand...

Oops. Typo


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## PapaFrita (1 November 2010)

Graureiter said:



			Howdy Pardner, Papa Frita.

My Percheron mare had been a quite good stadium jumper and eventer, except that those prejudiced judges never gave her any blue ribbons. ( but I digress).
Lately she started just walking through jumps, even using the Asparagus stick I got from a local Guru Cowboy did not help to make her go any faster.
A snarky traditional trainer at my boarding barn suggested I retire her. But why should I deprive her, at only thirty one years of age, of the joys of competing ? Wouldnt that be abuse?
The Guru Cowboy suggested that I start competing in western classes since my horse is now going really slow and with her nose almost on the ground. Just like a proper Western Pleasure horse.
 So I bought a saddle, spurs, and bridle ( all turquoise studded ) and a very fancy mexican spade bit from him.

My question Is. 
Do You think the turquoise tack will clash with my purple sequined disco cowboy outfit?
After all, one does not want to commit a fashion faux pas!

Yours, with a hearty  Hi Ho Rosinante!
The Cincinnati Kid.  
(aka Iwannabeasuburbanrhinestonecowboy)
		
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Firstly I would like to warn everyone _again_ against buying imitation Huggle Horsemanship gear. An aspargus stick just isn't as good as a bananastick, as I'm sure you've become aware *sigh*
Of course you must not deprive your mare of the joy of competition (and I'm so sorry that those narrow-minded judges were unable to see her true potential); if you stop competing she'll most likey pine away and die. IMO the only reason you should retire a horse is to breed from it and she still has looooads of petrol left in the tank.
Normally I would recommend perfectly matching tack and riding gear. Turqoise and purple DO clash a little but with western the rules of etiquette to not apply as long as you use lots and lots of diamanté and/or little mirrors sewn into your clothes and tack. You should glitter like a great big disco ball! I'm sure you'll do fantastically well


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## photo_jo (1 November 2010)

as an all seeing omniscient being who says no problem is too big do you think if we all clubbed together and bought Starzaan a banana stick it would help her tame her morags?


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## blitznbobs (1 November 2010)

photo_jo said:



			as an all seeing omniscient being who says no problem is too big do you think if we all clubbed together and bought Starzaan a banana stick it would help her tame her morags? 

Click to expand...


Perhaps she should use it on the farrier!!



Blitz


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## PapaFrita (1 November 2010)

photo_jo said:



			as an all seeing omniscient being who says no problem is too big do you think if we all clubbed together and bought Starzaan a banana stick it would help her tame her morags? 

Click to expand...

A bananastick will certainly help. Is this a trick question???


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## photo_jo (1 November 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			A bananastick will certainly help. Is this a trick question??? 



Click to expand...

No its a very very very long story involving whelks and a bucket


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## PapaFrita (1 November 2010)

blitznbobs said:



			Perhaps she should use it on the farrier!!



Blitz
		
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Especially if the farrier is proving difficult to catch, bridle, load or clip


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## PapaFrita (1 November 2010)

photo_jo said:



			No its a very very very long story involving whelks and a bucket
		
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Intriguing.....


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## photo_jo (1 November 2010)

I don't know how to link to previous threads but get a bottle of wine, search whelks or Starzaan on the forum and laugh your way through it


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## alliersv1 (1 November 2010)

Thankyou for brightening up my entire afternoon...and most of my evening!!


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## TopTotty (1 November 2010)

Fantastic!!!!


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## Echo Bravo (1 November 2010)

Please someone let the whelks live in peace as they have had a traumatic time. And the bannana stick I think would suit Starzaan down to the ground + sausages


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## spotty_pony (1 November 2010)

And it's still going... the amazing never ending thread!


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## PapaFrita (1 November 2010)

alliersv1 said:



			Thankyou for brightening up my entire afternoon...and most of my evening!! 

Click to expand...

My pleasure


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## photo_jo (1 November 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Especially if the farrier is proving difficult to catch, bridle, load or clip  

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Shouldn't that be difficult to catch, bridle, load or wax?


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## PapaFrita (1 November 2010)

Echo Bravo said:



			Please someone let the whelks live in peace as they have had a traumatic time. And the bannana stick I think would suit Starzaan down to the ground + sausages

Click to expand...

I have (unsurprisingly) a motto; "Don't be selfish to the shellfish"


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## PapaFrita (1 November 2010)

SJ_Superstars said:



			And it's still going... the amazing never ending thread! 

Click to expand...

Luckily I'm very dedicated to Huggle Horsemanship


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## PapaFrita (1 November 2010)

photo_jo said:



			Shouldn't that be difficult to catch, bridle, load or wax?
		
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Yes, sorry, silly me. Another typo


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## Millyard Rejects (1 November 2010)

Dear PF   I have 2 problems if you can help me?
1st) i have 2 young male ponies that were recently castrated..can i have this op reversed as some travellers now want to use my black and white pony cob as a stallion for their olympic driving cob mare( she keeps fit out of season by pulling bowtop caravans for holiday makers) this would surely make me a lot of money so i could continue buying bananasticks and left handed headcollars and your dvds?
2nd) my shetland filly -if i feed her haylage and badminton horse feeds will she grow big enough to compete at badminton? at the moment she gets hi energy competion mix and stud cubes as a treat??
many thanks


lorcan o'numpty


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## brighteyes (1 November 2010)

Oh dear (PF)

Things are not going well AT ALL.  Since the clocks went mad, my day isn't long enough to get much done in broad daylight.  I have cleaned my tack, mucked my stable out tidied my tackroom and washed all my rugs.  I have put all my matching boots, bandages and numnahs in their respective drawers, rearranged the shavings bales three times, straightened the muckheap and now it is time to ride - darkness.

No problem, I thought. I have a flashing reindeer nose left over from last Christmas, an LED badge I bought in the shape of a heart (a blue one because I was a bit 'down' that day) and some dangly earrings with shiny glass beads which sparkle and glint fetchingly in the sun.

Wearing all these highly visible articles and my horse wearing his Badminton Bandages (in an alarmingly vivid plum colour) and matching tail ribbon denoting his guaranteed placing at Badders 2011 we set off at 5.30pm for our hack up the B9959.  It's a charmingly narrow and winding backwater, with high hedges and some amazing sharp bends - utterly picturesque as a rule. It is a popular route with many as it connects two local villages.

However, I have had to resort to alcohol to stem the shaking brought on by having no less than _eighteen_ vehicles approach (from both directions) slam on their brakes, swerve past (just!) and exit the road sharply through hedgerows which must have taken at least eighty years to reach their density and height.  It is debatable whether the survival of the drivers (in almost every case) was wholly fortunate as I have been subjected to the most horrendous torrents of abuse, delivered in the vernacular.  My ears are still ringing from the blaring of their horns and my cheeks red from blushing at some of the terminology used to describe my presence on the highway.

What is the matter with people?  I have studied DVD No6, dealing with unhorsy members of the public and drivers but fail to see why they weren't driving with due care and attention when the roads were so busy anyway, with it being rush hour?

My horse is happily unscathed mainly due to him failing a twenty two star vetting on just his hearing.  It's nil, but we communicate via kicks and pulls, so completely unnecessary to use the voice - he didn't hear the screeching of brakes and overly enthusiastic use of car horns, otherwise our hack tomorrow evening along the same route would be seriously unwise.

Yours shakenly, Lardydahdiarse


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## PapaFrita (1 November 2010)

Millyard Rejects said:



			Dear PF   I have 2 problems if you can help me?
1st) i have 2 young male ponies that were recently castrated..can i have this op reversed as some travellers now want to use my black and white pony cob as a stallion for their olympic driving cob mare( she keeps fit out of season by pulling bowtop caravans for holiday makers) this would surely make me a lot of money so i could continue buying bananasticks and left handed headcollars and your dvds?
2nd) my shetland filly -if i feed her haylage and badminton horse feeds will she grow big enough to compete at badminton? at the moment she gets hi energy competion mix and stud cubes as a treat??
many thanks


lorcan o'numpty
		
Click to expand...

I'm pleased to say you can indeed have a castration reversed. You'll need your vet to put 'neuticles' where the goolies used to be but it's a very simple procedure and before you know it your pony will be siring olympic-standard draught horses. Fantastic! Definitely continue buying the bananasticks, left-handed headcollars, DVDs and of course the full range of mugs, t-shirts and baseball caps.
It's always wise to feed youngsters as much as possible. Once they stop growing sideways they'll shoot up and your filly could easily reach 15 or 16 hands. I have it on good authority that Little Tiger was a Shetland when she was a youngster and look what she's achieved!!


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## PapaFrita (1 November 2010)

brighteyes said:



			Oh dear (PF)

Things are not going well AT ALL.  Since the clocks went mad, my day isn't long enough to get much done in broad daylight.  I have cleaned my tack, mucked my stable out tidied my tackroom and washed all my rugs.  I have put all my matching boots, bandages and numnahs in their respective drawers, rearranged the shavings bales three times, straightened the muckheap and now it is time to ride - darkness.

No problem, I thought. I have a flashing reindeer nose left over from last Christmas, an LED badge I bought in the shape of a heart (a blue one because I was a bit 'down' that day) and some dangly earrings with shiny glass beads which sparkle and glint fetchingly in the sun.

Wearing all these highly visible articles and my horse wearing his Badminton Bandages (in an alarmingly vivid plum colour) and matching tail ribbon denoting his guaranteed placing at Badders 2011 we set off at 5.30pm for our hack up the B9959.  It's a charmingly narrow and winding backwater, with high hedges and some amazing sharp bends - utterly picturesque as a rule. It is a popular route with many as it connects two local villages.

However, I have had to resort to alcohol to stem the shaking brought on by having no less than _eighteen_ vehicles approach (from both directions) slam on their brakes, swerve past (just!) and exit the road sharply through hedgerows which must have taken at least eighty years to reach their density and height.  It is debatable whether the survival of the drivers (in almost every case) was wholly fortunate as I have been subjected to the most horrendous torrents of abuse, delivered in the vernacular.  My ears are still ringing from the blaring of their horns and my cheeks red from blushing at some of the terminology used to describe my presence on the highway.

What is the matter with people?  I have studied DVD No6, dealing with unhorsy members of the public and drivers but fail to see why they weren't driving with due care and attention when the roads were so busy anyway, with it being rush hour?

My horse is happily unscathed mainly due to him failing a twenty two star vetting on just his hearing.  It's nil, but we communicate via kicks and pulls, so completely unnecessary to use the voice - he didn't hear the screeching of brakes and overly enthusiastic use of car horns, otherwise our hack tomorrow evening along the same route would be seriously unwise.

Yours shakenly, Lardydahdiarse
		
Click to expand...

I realise you're scared to ride in the dark, but really there is no need to be afraid; modern cars come equipped with a wide range of horse-and-rider-detection-and-avoidance-gear including heat seeking devices, radar and sonar. This means that they can spot you a mile off, even in pitch black darkness and the car will swerve to avoid you. Never fails. Sadly the HARDAAG tends to be a bit glitchy in the sense that it beeps deafeningly when activated. This tends to startle the drivers who invariably swear in shock and surprise. Also the HARDAAG hasn't yet been trained to recognise hedgerows, which is why cars always seem to run into them!
Soooo, as you see, no need for you to take the beeping and swearing personally; you can ride out in the dark in confidence


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## Spudlet (1 November 2010)

Dear PF

I have spotted a HUGE gap in the market and have leapt in with a range of Huggly Horsemanship Security Products. http://www.horseandhound.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=412514 As you can see I have made several sales already!

I suggest we operate on a franchise basis to maximise coverage. World domination is only just around the corner!

Yours in business partnership

Snakeoilsaleswoman


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## PapaFrita (1 November 2010)

Spudlet said:



			Dear PF

I have spotted a HUGE gap in the market and have leapt in with a range of Huggly Horsemanship Security Products. http://www.horseandhound.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=412514 As you can see I have made several sales already!

I suggest we operate on a franchise basis to maximise coverage. World domination is only just around the corner!

Yours in business partnership

Snakeoilsaleswoman
		
Click to expand...

Yes.... I saw that.... I have to admit, I do like the product and I have a vacancy for an Evil Henchperson/Minion. Do you think you fit the bill?


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## Spudlet (1 November 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Yes.... I saw that.... I have to admit, I do like the product and I have a vacancy for an Evil Henchperson/Minion. Do you think you fit the bill?
		
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It's the role I was born for!

Should I go and get a sun-visor and wear it at all times, boss?


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## PapaFrita (1 November 2010)

Spudlet said:



			It's the role I was born for!

Should I go and get a sun-visor and wear it at all times, boss?
		
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I think a steel-rimmed bowler hat and a hunched back would be more fitting


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## skint1 (1 November 2010)

Dear PapaFrita,
I really want my horse to have feet like Aladdin's slippers so that I can stick sparkly tassles on the long pointy-up bits but they always break off after about 3 or 4 months and we have to start growing them all over again. My farrier is a big meanie and refused to help me but  I have a mate who watched a dvd about hoof trimming once and I wouldn't trust anyone else to do his feet now, he says I should coat his hooves in chicken soup to nourish them. My question is do you think it might be more effective to use bovril instead?


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## reindeerlover (2 November 2010)

Dear PF,

A friend of my Mother is "anti-hunt", she says that it is cruel and is glad that it is banned in the UK. I always thought that she was a dear sweet old lady but now I realise that she must be high on drugs and a complete psyco as well as supporting Hitler. I am constantly worried that she will spray hairspray in my dogs eyes and stab my horse with hatpins. What should I do?

Yours,
Idontjudgepeople.


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## eahotson (2 November 2010)

Dear Papafrita
We recently bought a pony for our 6 year old daughter.We are obviously a very experienced horse family as we are very rich and can afford a groom.We bought it from the most expensive yard in our area, if not the country, so it is obviously brilliant.The man that delivered it carried a pitchfork, which we took to be entirely normal.Having got our daughter mounted, she and the pony were having such fun that they disapeared over the fields and fences together and it took 2 hours to track them down.Following that, the pony savaged our groom, our Rottweiler dog and my 6 ft rugby playing husband.My husband and the groom are in hospital refusing to come home and the dog is at the vets refusing to come home.My daughter has hystereics merely mentioning the ponies name.How can I get my daughter and the pony together again so that they can go to HOYS where they are obviously meant to be.


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## PapaFrita (2 November 2010)

skint1 said:



			Dear PapaFrita,
I really want my horse to have feet like Aladdin's slippers so that I can stick sparkly tassles on the long pointy-up bits but they always break off after about 3 or 4 months and we have to start growing them all over again. My farrier is a big meanie and refused to help me but  I have a mate who watched a dvd about hoof trimming once and I wouldn't trust anyone else to do his feet now, he says I should coat his hooves in chicken soup to nourish them. My question is do you think it might be more effective to use bovril instead?
		
Click to expand...

Isn't it sooo frustrating that some people achieve Aladdin's slippers feet on their horse with no effort at all, and the rest of us have to work at it? I think sparkly tassles look absolutely charming. Don't forget the glitter!!  I'm glad you've dumped your farrier for you friend. Everyone knows that one DVD is far more beneficial in terms of training than years of study and practical training. My personal preference would be to go with Bovril as this is dark and if you let the hooves grow long enough they'll grow all the way round and look like tyres.


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## scatty_mare (2 November 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			I'm sorry to disappoint you Jammychauvanistsexpest but I've already patented the Muzzle Mooncup for Nasal Bleeding. It's a bigseller already 

Click to expand...

I love it when you talk patents to me PF...
You have really done very well with all this huggly horsemanship, but don't you think it's about time a real man took over the business side of thing? 
I would like to offer my services, I'm sure I could teach you a thing or two


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## rubysmum (2 November 2010)

oh great one - please can i request more wisdom
 the vet came to give my horse her jabs - but she charged me £30 to travel a 60 mile round trip - where do these people get off on their rip off charges AND  she said my horse was too fat - i don't give her hardly anything to eat - no flapjacks at all -
so after her rip off prices & her rudeness - i have an idea - i can train to be a reiki master - it only takes 2 week ends - & then i wont need the vet anymore will i & i can always look on you-tube for helpful vids
is this a way forward??????


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## PapaFrita (2 November 2010)

Farrierlover said:



			Dear PF,

A friend of my Mother is "anti-hunt", she says that it is cruel and is glad that it is banned in the UK. I always thought that she was a dear sweet old lady but now I realise that she must be high on drugs and a complete psyco as well as supporting Hitler. I am constantly worried that she will spray hairspray in my dogs eyes and stab my horse with hatpins. What should I do?

Yours,
Idontjudgepeople.
		
Click to expand...

Just when you think you know someone, eh! I bet at night she goes out in a hoodie, can be seen on corners boozing with her delinquent friends and and vandalises private property. I'd stay away from her if I were you, for the sake of your pets as well as yourself!!


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## Flicker (2 November 2010)

Dear PF,
I don't know if you have already had this one, but perhaps you can help me with a little conundrum?
I have a very demanding full-time job that means I don't leave the office before 6pm at night and usually start at 7.30 in the morning.
I also have a toddler and a husband that doesn't understand horses.
I have bought a horse from a very busy competition yard and was assured that he had won lots of prizes and would be a 'rosette machine' for me.
I ride him once a week, but he is very naughty when I do ride him and I don't enjoy it anymore.  I telephoned his old owner to complain and they said he was never naughty for them.  They also said they don't want him back.
I think my horse is being very unfair as he doesn't seem to understand that I have a very busy life and when I ride him it is supposed to be fun.
Can you recommend a calmer for him to make him good?


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## Flicker (2 November 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			"Dear PF,
My 17hh gelding has recurrent lameness issues, in fact he hasn't been sound for over a year. The vet says he should have scans, but I haven't got insurance and can't afford it. Also he's getting thin and I I'm a bit worried about my feed bill over the winter. What can I do? I don't want to sell him as he's lame, can he go as a companion?

Shouldn'townahorse"
		
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OMG - I so know a person exactly like this!!!  Except they didn't want to give the horse away, they wanted to SELL the horse as a companion.  For £2K.


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## Flame_ (2 November 2010)

Dear PF

My daughter is back in A & E. We bought her a ten year old 13.2 "schoolmaster" to learn how to jump on a year ago. He can jump really high and never stops. Unfortunately, the not stopping is a pretty recurrent theme with him and he's inclined to taking off with my daughter and running until she loses her balance and falls off or she bails. I'm sure he's not a bad pony, fifteen different people around the country have bought him over the last two years before we managed to find him, plus he's really pretty and well bred.

I know this situation isn't ideal and I'm trying to sort it out. We've sent him to professionals, we've had trainers come to us, we've had a couple of natural horsemanship dudes come and play with him, we've sent him to the top vets in the country and they can't find anything wrong with him, neither can the physios, saddler, dentist, psychic, etc, etc...

Now my daughter is on her ninth trip to hospital with another head injury I'm thinking maybe this pony isn't for us. Of course I couldn't consider PTS as there's nothing wrong with him, so what should I do?

Do you think he's just not found the right rider yet? Maybe a professional rider might like to buy him? He's make a great companion, I'd happily give him to somebody as long as they said they would give him a lovely forever home. Should I part exchange him with a dealer? Or should my daughter give up riding for the next twenty years so we can retire him?

I need some PF wisdom to know what to do

Misguidedfoolwho'sluckyherkid'snotdead


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## PapaFrita (2 November 2010)

eahotson said:



			Dear Papafrita
We recently bought a pony for our 6 year old daughter.We are obviously a very experienced horse family as we are very rich and can afford a groom.We bought it from the most expensive yard in our area, if not the country, so it is obviously brilliant.The man that delivered it carried a pitchfork, which we took to be entirely normal.Having got our daughter mounted, she and the pony were having such fun that they disapeared over the fields and fences together and it took 2 hours to track them down.Following that, the pony savaged our groom, our Rottweiler dog and my 6 ft rugby playing husband.My husband and the groom are in hospital refusing to come home and the dog is at the vets refusing to come home.My daughter has hystereics merely mentioning the ponies name.How can I get my daughter and the pony together again so that they can go to HOYS where they are obviously meant to be.
		
Click to expand...

I think your pony might have a few minor issues.  Some people will suggest that you have your pony checked over by the vet, physio, etc, I say POPPYCOCK! Your daughter and her pony need to get to know each other again and make the Disney Connection; you've seen this in films; horse hates man/child, child/man hates horse, they go through some adversity together and then become best mates. Sooo, basically you have to arrange for your daughter to rescue the pony from some sort of trouble... a swamp perhaps. They will be friends for life and HOYS will be a piece of cake


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## PapaFrita (2 November 2010)

my-princess-pony said:



			Thank you so much for the tip-off about the kippers ! I have just had a stroll around the town with one hanging off the end of a stick to see if i could spot him, but alas, no luck yet.
Just a couple more questions for you. Do you think it would be worthwhile popping into the vets just incase someone has handed him in? also as I want to get his room ready for his return can you suggest which size stratching post to get and will I have to cut his toe nails or do they do it themselves?
Finally, do you think he will be happy with freeview or should I get him sky installed? I dont want him running off again !!!!
		
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Yes, pop into the vets; you never know if someone has found him. Don't bother with Sky; Eurpsports never has the showjumping live and finding out the results before being able to watch is beyond irritating (people are SO inconsiderate!). Get him FEI TV. Bargain.


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## PapaFrita (2 November 2010)

scatty_mare said:



			I love it when you talk patents to me PF...
You have really done very well with all this huggly horsemanship, but don't you think it's about time a real man took over the business side of thing? 
I would like to offer my services, I'm sure I could teach you a thing or two 

Click to expand...

You're so considerate  Why don't I hand over all my business ventures to you and I'll just nip off to the hairdressers?


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## PapaFrita (2 November 2010)

rubysmum said:



			oh great one - please can i request more wisdom
 the vet came to give my horse her jabs - but she charged me £30 to travel a 60 mile round trip - where do these people get off on their rip off charges AND  she said my horse was too fat - i don't give her hardly anything to eat - no flapjacks at all -
so after her rip off prices & her rudeness - i have an idea - i can train to be a reiki master - it only takes 2 week ends - & then i wont need the vet anymore will i & i can always look on you-tube for helpful vids
is this a way forward??????
		
Click to expand...

See what I mean about vets being a rip off? Not only do they charge you a fortune, they tell  you stuff you don't want to hear!! Blimming cheek.
Yes, training to be a reiki master is definitely a good idea AND if you go to an afternoon of tea and biscuits you can also qualify as a barefoot trimmer. Result!


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## PapaFrita (2 November 2010)

Flicker said:



			Dear PF,
I don't know if you have already had this one, but perhaps you can help me with a little conundrum?
I have a very demanding full-time job that means I don't leave the office before 6pm at night and usually start at 7.30 in the morning.
I also have a toddler and a husband that doesn't understand horses.
I have bought a horse from a very busy competition yard and was assured that he had won lots of prizes and would be a 'rosette machine' for me.
I ride him once a week, but he is very naughty when I do ride him and I don't enjoy it anymore.  I telephoned his old owner to complain and they said he was never naughty for them.  They also said they don't want him back.
I think my horse is being very unfair as he doesn't seem to understand that I have a very busy life and when I ride him it is supposed to be fun.
Can you recommend a calmer for him to make him good?
		
Click to expand...

Oh dear, it's so unfortunate when horses suddenly 'turn naughty'. Personally I don't think they do; I think he was _always_ naughty and you weren't told. So irresponsible and dangerous. Right, as it's your life and limb at risk here, I suggest giving him some Sedalin. A whole tube is fine. Ignore people who tell you you shouldn't ride sedated horses, but they're just jealous and are trying to sabotage you. You many notice a bit more stumbling than usual, but that's normal. Have fun!


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## PapaFrita (2 November 2010)

Flicker said:



			OMG - I so know a person exactly like this!!!  Except they didn't want to give the horse away, they wanted to SELL the horse as a companion.  For £2K.
		
Click to expand...

I'm not surprised TBH


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## jodie3 (2 November 2010)

My kids want an norse and I reckon I can get the dosh for it on my benefits money.  Its their bleedin right to hav one innitt if they want one?

If I get one when the lift in the flats is mended it'll be alrite livin on the balcony with Tyson the pit bull wont it?


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## scatty_mare (2 November 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			You're so considerate  Why don't I hand over all my business ventures to you and I'll just nip off to the hairdressers?
		
Click to expand...

Yes, you can leave them all in my capable hands. You just go and treat yourself, sweetcheeks *pats on bottom* 
Why don't you fetch me a nice cheese sandwich then go and buff your pony's nails, and leave all the business stuff to me, hey?

ETA: This guy is not fictional. (Although as far as I know he does not use feminine hygiene products in his horse's nasal cavity. But it does have nosebleeds most times it is ridden  )


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## Natch (2 November 2010)

Dear Pappya New Fritiya,


Perhaps you could resolve a little debate I am currently having with my friend. Is the bird greater than, or equal to, the word?


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## PapaFrita (2 November 2010)

Flame_ said:



			Dear PF

My daughter is back in A & E. We bought her a ten year old 13.2 "schoolmaster" to learn how to jump on a year ago. He can jump really high and never stops. Unfortunately, the not stopping is a pretty recurrent theme with him and he's inclined to taking off with my daughter and running until she loses her balance and falls off or she bails. I'm sure he's not a bad pony, fifteen different people around the country have bought him over the last two years before we managed to find him, plus he's really pretty and well bred.

I know this situation isn't ideal and I'm trying to sort it out. We've sent him to professionals, we've had trainers come to us, we've had a couple of natural horsemanship dudes come and play with him, we've sent him to the top vets in the country and they can't find anything wrong with him, neither can the physios, saddler, dentist, psychic, etc, etc...

Now my daughter is on her ninth trip to hospital with another head injury I'm thinking maybe this pony isn't for us. Of course I couldn't consider PTS as there's nothing wrong with him, so what should I do?

Do you think he's just not found the right rider yet? Maybe a professional rider might like to buy him? He's make a great companion, I'd happily give him to somebody as long as they said they would give him a lovely forever home. Should I part exchange him with a dealer? Or should my daughter give up riding for the next twenty years so we can retire him?

I need some PF wisdom to know what to do

Misguidedfoolwho'sluckyherkid'snotdead
		
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Well, this is a tricky one. Well, I know that _some_ people would be advising that the humane thing to do at this point would be to put the pony to sleep, right? What do _they_ know? After all, 15 homes in 2 years is absolutely no indication of just how demented this pony is, and it's not in the least traumatic for the pony is it? Why on earth should it be you to take responsibility for NOT sending this pony to another home where he might hurt or even kill a child? There will probably be someone else willing to take this pony on, a professional even, so surely it's their problem... right? And of course there is absolutely no chance that instead of ending up with someone who has his best interests at heart, he'll end up with some unscrupulous piece of bum wipe who'll lie about his 'quirks', sedate him a bit and sell him to an unsuspecting home... 
At this point you have several otions. You could continue to pour money into finding the problem at the root of the problem and you could try further therapies such as acupuncture, aromatherapy, rumpology and runes... Loads of people will tell you that this is what they would do, but you don't see them stepping forward with the cash, do you? You could break him to drive, because a horse bolting with a trap is SO much fun (look it up on Youtube)!! You could sell him on, or give him away and wash your hands of him, OR you could put him out of his misery.
Sod that, Sell him on. Get a bit of cash back. Shame you can't breed him. Or perhaps you caaaaan...


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## PapaFrita (2 November 2010)

jodie3 said:



			My kids want an norse and I reckon I can get the dosh for it on my benefits money.  Its their bleedin right to hav one innitt if they want one?

If I get one when the lift in the flats is mended it'll be alrite livin on the balcony with Tyson the pit bull wont it?
		
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Sounds good. You can open a petting zoo. Are your kids in cages??


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## PapaFrita (2 November 2010)

scatty_mare said:



			Yes, you can leave them all in my capable hands. You just go and treat yourself, sweetcheeks *pats on bottom* 
Why don't you fetch me a nice cheese sandwich then go and buff your pony's nails, and leave all the business stuff to me, hey?

ETA: This guy is not fictional. (Although as far as I know he does not use feminine hygiene products in his horse's nasal cavity. But it does have nosebleeds most times it is ridden  )
		
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********************ck, I was hoping he was fictional. If he wants to pat me on the bottom he'd better look exactly like a young Sean Connery and have twice the charm... that's a no then 

*back in character*
Would you like that sandwich up your backside or IV?


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## PapaFrita (2 November 2010)

Naturally said:



			Dear Pappya New Fritiya,


Perhaps you could resolve a little debate I am currently having with my friend. Is the bird greater than, or equal to, the word?
		
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Bird is the word, and therefore they are equal. It is my understanding though that some birds are more equal than others.


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## humblepie (2 November 2010)

Dear PF,

Can you please help with a family argument?

My non-horse boyfriend simply with no messing can get my horsey to do what he wants it to do.  The only thing I hear him say is "behave or else". He doesn't offer it sweeties as bribes, flapjacks, bottle of gin or banana sticks, fritters or cupcakes.

Can you please tell him where he is going wrong?  He seems to have learned what he knows from some people who have a lot of rosettes from places like HOYS (what is that, Hamster of the Year Scheme or something?) and RIHS (Royal Institute of Hamsters Society  I think) but won't listen to me?

Thank you. 

Confusedwithlotsofmintsleftover


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## brighteyes (2 November 2010)

PF 

(On behalf of *an acquaintance*)

In short, I had an accident going very fast on my pony and we fell over a jump.  I was hurt but my pony seemed OK. Many people advised me to get a back person out, so eventually I did.  The back man came and next day my pony's canter was so smooth I tried a jump in the pitch black. She is OK but everyone seems to be worried for us...  What advice do you have for me? 

I'malmostcertainlyatrolloraverystupidteenagerwithnorighttoownaponyxxlol


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## LeneHorse (2 November 2010)

Dear PF

I'm getting a little bit worried about my ponio. He's gone right off his feed - I put a bucket of flapjacks in for him every night and he's not touched them for a week. He's not doing the toilet either - great as it saves mucking out but a week without a poo is a bit long. When I put his tack on to ride he plants himself and won't come out the stable. He seems a bit withdrawn and I hate to say this but he's also getting a bit smelly. Do you think he needs a suppliment?
please can you help?
yours sincerely

ismyponiomaybedeceased


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## Natch (2 November 2010)

Dearest darling PF,

Why is it that people think its ok for ponios to eat grass, alfalfa and other green stuff? Surely food that is green has gone off. Then some of them actually dry the green stuff to make it brown - yeuck! I personally like to give my ponie a plate full of whatever we are having for our dinner. Sometimes its a ham sandwich, othertimes its a full roast (minus the broccoli cos everyone nos thats green AND evel).

I was finking thats not a balanced diet, cos it dunt sit on the ponies stable door wivout fallin off, so wot can I do to make it balance? 

Yours

Ihopeimnotreincarnatedasapetofthis Persons


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## JenJ (2 November 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Bird is the word, and therefore they are equal
		
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I'm really sorry to contradict you PF, but I believe that, actually, grease is the word.


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## polopony (2 November 2010)

LOL, good post.
Can I ask a serious one though? My pony is fine on the condition side, but completely lacks top line. Suggestions?
(btw he is a 12yo NZ TB)


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## Echo Bravo (2 November 2010)

I really like the Petting Zoo with kids in cages. Could I take a Bannana stick and poke them with it.


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## PapaFrita (2 November 2010)

humblepie said:



			Dear PF,

Can you please help with a family argument?

My non-horse boyfriend simply with no messing can get my horsey to do what he wants it to do.  The only thing I hear him say is "behave or else". He doesn't offer it sweeties as bribes, flapjacks, bottle of gin or banana sticks, fritters or cupcakes.

Can you please tell him where he is going wrong?  He seems to have learned what he knows from some people who have a lot of rosettes from places like HOYS (what is that, Hamster of the Year Scheme or something?) and RIHS (Royal Institute of Hamsters Society  I think) but won't listen to me?

Thank you. 

Confusedwithlotsofmintsleftover
		
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Ah, well, this may come as something of an unpleasant surprise, but it IS possible to handle a horse without using a bananastick, bribery or huggles. HOWEVER, this is not the _true_ horseman's way and someone who just gets a horse to do something because he's been told is not truly in tune with his/her horse. If you really _really_ love your ponio you will lavish treats and huggles on him and ignore 'naughty' behaviour- this is just horses being horses, after all. 
I suspect your OH has picked up all this information from people who *shocked whisper* _ride_ their horses at _competitions_!!! Apparently one of these is called HOYS. No idea what what it stands for though...


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## PapaFrita (2 November 2010)

brighteyes said:



			PF 

(On behalf of *an acquaintance*)

In short, I had an accident going very fast on my pony and we fell over a jump.  I was hurt but my pony seemed OK. Many people advised me to get a back person out, so eventually I did.  The back man came and next day my pony's canter was so smooth I tried a jump in the pitch black. She is OK but everyone seems to be worried for us...  What advice do you have for me? 

I'malmostcertainlyatrolloraverystupidteenagerwithnorighttoownaponyxxlol
		
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Well, as you know, I'm all for jumping at fantastic speed with no concern for my or my ponio's safety. I AM, however, opposed to vets and physios, and personally try to avoid them at all costs. It sounds as if your friend has an unusual fondness for them and is doing everything in her power to give them lots and lots of work. That is very philanthropic of her and she's certainly going the right way about it. I hope she still has money to replace her horse when he/she breaks down completely.


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## PapaFrita (2 November 2010)

LeneHorse said:



			Dear PF

I'm getting a little bit worried about my ponio. He's gone right off his feed - I put a bucket of flapjacks in for him every night and he's not touched them for a week. He's not doing the toilet either - great as it saves mucking out but a week without a poo is a bit long. When I put his tack on to ride he plants himself and won't come out the stable. He seems a bit withdrawn and I hate to say this but he's also getting a bit smelly. Do you think he needs a suppliment?
please can you help?
yours sincerely

ismyponiomaybedeceased
		
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Ah yes, I know exactly what he needs, it's a drug called mummi-ficatorzine. He'll stop smelling very soon, but I can't promise he'll be much perkier.


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## PapaFrita (2 November 2010)

Naturally said:



			Dearest darling PF,

Why is it that people think its ok for ponios to eat grass, alfalfa and other green stuff? Surely food that is green has gone off. Then some of them actually dry the green stuff to make it brown - yeuck! I personally like to give my ponie a plate full of whatever we are having for our dinner. Sometimes its a ham sandwich, othertimes its a full roast (minus the broccoli cos everyone nos thats green AND evel).

I was finking thats not a balanced diet, cos it dunt sit on the ponies stable door wivout fallin off, so wot can I do to make it balance? 

Yours

Ihopeimnotreincarnatedasapetofthis Persons
		
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I know!! Some people are so misguided; I mean, grass and stuff grows _outside_, it's not _clean_; they walk all over it; how can that be good for them?
You're quite right to feed your ponio the same food you eat. Forget the greens, that's just icky. I think it IS a balanced diet; did you balance it on the door on a plate? You'll see what I mean.


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## PapaFrita (2 November 2010)

JenJ said:



			I'm really sorry to contradict you PF, but I believe that, actually, grease is the word.
		
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It is another word


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## PapaFrita (2 November 2010)

polopony said:



			LOL, good post.
Can I ask a serious one though? My pony is fine on the condition side, but completely lacks top line. Suggestions?
(btw he is a 12yo NZ TB)
		
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I'm sorry but I'm stuck on 'sarcastic'. As such I have to recommend flapjacks and the Huggle Horsemanship DVD; "Yoga for Yo' Ponio".


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## PapaFrita (2 November 2010)

Echo Bravo said:



			I really like the Petting Zoo with kids in cages. Could I take a Bannana stick and poke them with it.

Click to expand...

It's compulsory  In fact you'll find the bananastick will poke a small child of its own accord. Like Harry Potter's wand working against Voldemort.


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## Cinnamontoast (2 November 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			I'm sorry but I'm stuck on 'sarcastic'. As such I have to recommend flapjacks and the Huggle Horsemanship DVD; "Yoga for Yo' Ponio".
		
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I'm sorry, I can't cope anymore!  
	
	
		
		
	


	





Papa Frita, my husband is threatening to throw the laptop out of the window: I just don't understand cos I'm not annoying him or anything. I'm being really quiet and I cut my nails and everything so the tappy tap wouldn't annoy him. He says I love H&H more than him but I don't think that's true as I've only been on here for 3 days and with him for 12 years.  What do you recommend?


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## jodie3 (2 November 2010)

Much as I have enjoyed this thread, I'm sorry PF but I think you have ruined HHO for me now 
Every time I start to read a new thread I think it is one of your 'specials' and am happily anticipating some more of your brilliant (and funny) advise and then realise that it is actually a real thread and someone is waiting for a real answer


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## Cinnamontoast (2 November 2010)

jodie3 said:



			Much as I have enjoyed this thread, I'm sorry PF but I think you have ruined HHO for me now 
Every time I start to read a new thread I think it is one of your 'specials' and am happily anticipating some more of your brilliant (and funny) advise and then realise that it is actually a real thread and someone is waiting for a real answer   

Click to expand...

Same here. Every single thread I've read is making me desperate to reply PF fashion!


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## Groom42 (2 November 2010)

couldn't we just reply "ask Papa Frita"? ............ or would that be seen as inflammatory, rude and bullying?


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## Fransurrey (2 November 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			I'm sorry but I'm stuck on 'sarcastic'. As such I have to recommend flapjacks and the Huggle Horsemanship DVD; "Yoga for Yo' Ponio".
		
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Ooh you bugger! Don't you know I really need a wee and the cat is on my bladder???


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## jodie3 (2 November 2010)

Groom42 said:



			couldn't we just reply "ask Papa Frita"? ............ or would that be seen as inflammatory, rude and bullying? 

Click to expand...


I don't see a problem with this.........


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## scatty_mare (3 November 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			********************ck, I was hoping he was fictional. If he wants to pat me on the bottom he'd better look exactly like a young Sean Connery and have twice the charm... that's a no then 

*back in character*
Would you like that sandwich up your backside or IV?
		
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He looks like a 65 year old skinny banana with a hunchback and a face like a scrotum. 

Sadly he did once pat me on the bottom and when I told him in no uncertain terms that if he did that again he wouldn't live to see another day he just laughed, and said he loved feisty women, and now he'd seen that side of me he might increase my 'duties' to waking him up in the morning with a cup of tea and a kiss. 

Disgusting dirty old man. Just thinking about him makes my blood boil. I also hold him personally responsible for career-ending injuries to both of my horses. I have moved them now but still see him out hunting, hanging onto the reins as he gallops along out of control on his overfed, overbitted, unfit and haemorrhaging horse. He is renowned for cutting you up 3 strides out from a fence and then stopping. Gah I have never loathed anyone so much.

ETA didn't realise how bitter I am!


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## PapaFrita (3 November 2010)

cinammontoast said:



			I'm sorry, I can't cope anymore!  
	
	
		
		
	


	





Papa Frita, my husband is threatening to throw the laptop out of the window: I just don't understand cos I'm not annoying him or anything. I'm being really quiet and I cut my nails and everything so the tappy tap wouldn't annoy him. He says I love H&H more than him but I don't think that's true as I've only been on here for 3 days and with him for 12 years.  What do you recommend?
		
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You're very considerate. Perhaps he wants some huggles?


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## PapaFrita (3 November 2010)

jodie3 said:



			Much as I have enjoyed this thread, I'm sorry PF but I think you have ruined HHO for me now 
Every time I start to read a new thread I think it is one of your 'specials' and am happily anticipating some more of your brilliant (and funny) advise and then realise that it is actually a real thread and someone is waiting for a real answer   

Click to expand...

This is why I'm avoiding reading other threads...


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## PapaFrita (3 November 2010)

cinammontoast said:



			Same here. Every single thread I've read is making me desperate to reply PF fashion!

Click to expand...

Oh, please feel free


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## PapaFrita (3 November 2010)

Groom42 said:



			couldn't we just reply "ask Papa Frita"? ............ or would that be seen as inflammatory, rude and bullying? 

Click to expand...

Probably, but I'm running out of ideas


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## PapaFrita (3 November 2010)

Fransurrey said:



			Ooh you bugger! Don't you know I really need a wee and the cat is on my bladder???
		
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Is the cat bouncing up and down on it??


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## PapaFrita (3 November 2010)

jodie3 said:



			I don't see a problem with this.........
		
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Eeek. What if I want to go outside for a bit one day?


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## PapaFrita (3 November 2010)

scatty_mare said:



			He looks like a 65 year old skinny banana with a hunchback and a face like a scrotum. 

Sadly he did once pat me on the bottom and when I told him in no uncertain terms that if he did that again he wouldn't live to see another day he just laughed, and said he loved feisty women, and now he'd seen that side of me he might increase my 'duties' to waking him up in the morning with a cup of tea and a kiss. 

Disgusting dirty old man. Just thinking about him makes my blood boil. I also hold him personally responsible for career-ending injuries to both of my horses. I have moved them now but still see him out hunting, hanging onto the reins as he gallops along out of control on his overfed, overbitted, unfit and haemorrhaging horse. He is renowned for cutting you up 3 strides out from a fence and then stopping. Gah I have never loathed anyone so much.

ETA didn't realise how bitter I am!
		
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Well, if you can't think of a single redeeming feature then I don't think that makes you bitter; it means you have good taste. He sounds utterly repulsive.


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## frazzled (3 November 2010)

Dear Papa F

What is the meaning of life?


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## PapaFrita (3 November 2010)

frazzled said:



			Dear Papa F

What is the meaning of life?
		
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Everyone knows that one; it's 42

But if that answer doesn't suit you, it's also a film by Monty Python, released in 1983


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## Bessieboo (3 November 2010)

Dear Papa F

Can you help me settle an argument please?

My lovely mare only likes to canter on the same leading leg.  Now I keep telling her that it is fine to do that on the left rein but on the right rein she should really use the other leg for balance.  Now she keeps telling me that as she is a 4 wheeled drive, leg on each corner, mountain goat type cob she does not need to follow this silly rule and she will lead on whatever leg she feels like!

Who is right?

Many thanks

Bessieboo


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## PapaFrita (3 November 2010)

Bessieboo said:



			Dear Papa F

Can you help me settle an argument please?

My lovely mare only likes to canter on the same leading leg.  Now I keep telling her that it is fine to do that on the left rein but on the right rein she should really use the other leg for balance.  Now she keeps telling me that as she is a 4 wheeled drive, leg on each corner, mountain goat type cob she does not need to follow this silly rule and she will lead on whatever leg she feels like!

Who is right?

Many thanks

Bessieboo
		
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Yes, mares do tend to think they know it all. My mare, for instance, thinks that she invented carrots  Whilst all horses should canter on the relevant leg, not all of them feel it's necessary and some manage for years and years. I knew a horse that would only canter on the right if you jumped and turned her that way. Odd creature


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## Bessieboo (3 November 2010)

Thanks for that 

I was also wondering if because she always leads with her left leg does this prove that she is left handed?

I think I may need a banana stick.


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## PapaFrita (3 November 2010)

Bessieboo said:



			Thanks for that 

I was also wondering if because she always leads with her left leg does this prove that she is left handed?

I think I may need a banana stick.
		
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She might be left-handed. Have you ever seen her write?


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## photo_jo (3 November 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Everyone knows that one; it's 42

But if that answer doesn't suit you, it's also a film by Monty Python, released in 1983


Click to expand...

Sad that I know but 42 was the answer to 'Life the Universe and everything' not the meaning of life!


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## Bessieboo (3 November 2010)

Mmmmm I have never seen her write but perhaps she does it in secret whilst I am working?

I will leave a notepad and pen out for her tonight and see what I get in the morning.


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## Fellewell (3 November 2010)

Dear PF, thanks to your monumentally successful loading advice I finally tracked down my gelding to a motorway services near Sidcup. He was swathed in bubble wrap thanks to Parcel Force which was noisy to unwrap but may have the added advantage of desensitising him to this year's fireworks.
However as he has shown a propensity for wishing only to travel alone my question is this: Can I get him genetically modified with canine genes? That way he could chase me about carrying his headcollar (patented L handed) rather than it always being the other way round.
And I could freely creep up on him and do the high pitched squeaky voice that dogs totally get and love but which makes horses stand rigidly showing the whites of their eyes. Is GM the way to go?


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## PapaFrita (3 November 2010)

photo_jo said:



			Sad that I know but 42 was the answer to 'Life the Universe and everything' not the meaning of life! 

Click to expand...

Picky picky picky. Second answer is correct though


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## PapaFrita (3 November 2010)

Bessieboo said:



			Mmmmm I have never seen her write but perhaps she does it in secret whilst I am working?

I will leave a notepad and pen out for her tonight and see what I get in the morning.
		
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Ah, but you have to _see_ her do it or else how will you know which hoof she's using?


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## *hic* (3 November 2010)

Ah PF there you are. We are desperately needing a dose of your commonsense and sanity *I can't believe I just wrote that* on the front page.

And I've lost my "banging head on wall" smiley.


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## PapaFrita (3 November 2010)

Fellewell said:



			Dear PF, thanks to your monumentally successful loading advice I finally tracked down my gelding to a motorway services near Sidcup. He was swathed in bubble wrap thanks to Parcel Force which was noisy to unwrap but may have the added advantage of desensitising him to this year's fireworks.
However as he has shown a propensity for wishing only to travel alone my question is this: Can I get him genetically modified with canine genes? That way he could chase me about carrying his headcollar (patented L handed) rather than it always being the other way round.
And I could freely creep up on him and do the high pitched squeaky voice that dogs totally get and love but which makes horses stand rigidly showing the whites of their eyes. Is GM the way to go?
		
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Sidcup? Is that a Burberry-friendly place?  Glad you've got him back safely. I'm not sure gene splicing is the way forward; what if he starts cocking his leg on everything or tries to jump into your lap??


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## PapaFrita (3 November 2010)

jemima_too said:



			Ah PF there you are. We are desperately needing a dose of your commonsense and sanity *I can't believe I just wrote that* on the front page.

And I've lost my "banging head on wall" smiley.
		
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Sadly commonsense and sanity don't go down well on HHO. I've given myself a rule; stop commenting/reading as soon as I think 'WTF??'


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## jodie3 (3 November 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Eeek. What if I want to go outside for a bit one day? 

Click to expand...


No, you are the voice of sanity and reason on HHO and have to stay permanently attached to your computer (preferably laptop, more portable so will allow you some freedom) so you can answer questions 24/7!


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## PapaFrita (3 November 2010)

jodie3 said:



			No, you are the voice of sanity and reason on HHO and have to stay permanently attached to your computer (preferably laptop, more portable so will allow you some freedom) so you can answer questions 24/7!
		
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Weell, I've got the laptop... I suppose I should just resign myself to HHO slavery...


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## foraday (4 November 2010)

Just managed to catch up with this thread!

Love it!

Do let me know when Huggly Horsemanship hits facebook!


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## miamibear (4 November 2010)

Brilliant!!

Made me giggle!!


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## PapaFrita (4 November 2010)

foraday said:



			Just managed to catch up with this thread!

Love it!

Do let me know when Huggly Horsemanship hits facebook!
		
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I don't think the world is ready for a Huggly Horsemanship Facebook page!!!!


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## PapaFrita (4 November 2010)

miamibear said:



			Brilliant!!

Made me giggle!!
		
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Blimey, did you read ALL of it???


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## Groom42 (4 November 2010)

I think it is utterly disgraceful that Papa Frita doesn't feature on the Top 5 threads list this week, especially after all her hard work and superb advice.


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## camilla4 (4 November 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Weell, I've got the laptop... I suppose I should just resign myself to HHO slavery...
		
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I'm afraid so, PapaFrita - how are you going to turn Huggley Horsemanship into a full blown cult if you don't promote it 24/7?!!


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## PapaFrita (4 November 2010)

my-princess-pony said:



			Dear P-F

A week has passed and alas, my horsey hasnt come home. However ! all is not lost. My friend has offered me her shetaland ! Is that a big one ? I hope so because I have been eating all the flapjacks whilst waiting for horsey number one to come home and have shot up to 22 stone.
My friend assures me her horsey will carry my weight which is fab bacause I want to enter Babmington next year and possibly do a few days hunting on him.
just a couple of questions . Do you have to take your own fox or do they supply them for you?
Can I wear one of those lovely smart red hunting jackets?
Can I take my own horn?
And finally, do I need to take my own dog or will I be able to borrow one of theirs ?
		
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Hi, I'm sorry to hear your new horse hasn't arrived. Still, shetlands are very versatile and athletic so I'm sure Babminton is just a step away. Don't worry about being a bit plumper; you have the same right as anyone else to ride on the horse or pony that you choose.
Ok, as you may know, there is a lot of hunting etiquette to be aware of. Firstly, unless you've been hunting before, you should wear a pink, sequinned jacket and pink velour breeches or joddies. You can't take your own horn, but you CAN take a vuvuzela. This will make you very popular among the other hunt members. You might have to take your own fox if these are scarce or a bit tired from running all day, but you can borrow one of the hunt 'hounds' (not dogs) Good luck and have a nice time


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## PapaFrita (4 November 2010)

Groom42 said:



			I think it is utterly disgraceful that Papa Frita doesn't feature on the Top 5 threads list this week, especially after all her hard work and superb advice.   

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Humph! Clearly H&H is not ready to embrace new training methods. Which _were_ the top 5, out of interest?


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## PapaFrita (4 November 2010)

camilla4 said:



			I'm afraid so, PapaFrita - how are you going to turn Huggley Horsemanship into a full blown cult if you don't promote it 24/7?!!
		
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*sigh* I suppose...


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## camilla4 (4 November 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Humph! Clearly H&H is not ready to embrace new training methods. Which _were_ the top 5, out of interest?
		
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1 - Lamintisublic health warning
2 - Horses in 24/7 during winter
3 - Chapped winter hands
4 - Pregnancy problems caused by riding
5 - I hate hacking


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## PapaFrita (4 November 2010)

camilla4 said:



			1 - Lamintisublic health warning
2 - Horses in 24/7 during winter
3 - Chapped winter hands
4 - Pregnancy problems caused by riding
5 - I hate hacking
		
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Ohhh, I see the criteria being used is not the number of posts


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## Groom42 (4 November 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Ohhh, I see the criteria being used is not the number of posts  

Click to expand...

so what on earth is?


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## PapaFrita (4 November 2010)

Groom42 said:



			so what on earth is?
		
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I don't know, but the PTS thread and a few others have had more posts than the 5 on the list... *shrugs*


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## JenJ (4 November 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Ohhh, I see the criteria being used is not the number of posts  

Click to expand...

It's not the number of posts or views, as both of my 'Diary of...' threads have been on there, and they get maybe a couple of posts/views a week.

I guess it's just a 'selection' made by the H&H team. Perhaps neutrally-toned


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## eahotson (4 November 2010)

Dear PapaFrita
I have fallen off my horse 10 times in the last 3 months.I am sure he didn't mean anything nasty when he tried to throw me under a bus.I am on first name terms with all the A&E staff and on their Christmas card lists.Some FRIENDS (so called) have sugested we are not matched and that he is dangerous for me to ride.I don't agree.I think they are jealous and anyway I love him soooooo much.Thing is though, that for some strange reason I am feeling nervous at the thought of getting on him again.Can you help?


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## PapaFrita (4 November 2010)

JenJ said:



			It's not the number of posts or views, as both of my 'Diary of...' threads have been on there, and they get maybe a couple of posts/views a week.

I guess it's just a 'selection' made by the H&H team. Perhaps neutrally-toned 

Click to expand...

Well, I just don't understand it...I've posted literally hundreds of photos of the Little Cigar, easily the prettiest foal ever born. and I've not had a single thread in the top 5... Utterly mystified


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## FairyLights (4 November 2010)

This is the best thread ever in the history of H&H .


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## PapaFrita (4 November 2010)

eahotson said:



			Dear PapaFrita
I have fallen off my horse 10 times in the last 3 months.I am sure he didn't mean anything nasty when he tried to throw me under a bus.I am on first name terms with all the A&E staff and on their Christmas card lists.Some FRIENDS (so called) have sugested we are not matched and that he is dangerous for me to ride.I don't agree.I think they are jealous and anyway I love him soooooo much.Thing is though, that for some strange reason I am feeling nervous at the thought of getting on him again.Can you help?
		
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Aww, bless him. No horse is EVER born evil and all horses can be rehabilitated. Don't listen to that Monty Roberts who says this isn't necessarily true. Now, I have to ask; are you truly in touch with your inner ponio?? Do love him enough to continue to risk your health and sanity? Are you willing to leave your children without a parent, or with a vegetable??? If you are, then we might yet bring him back into the fold. You must, of course, buy the entire Huggle Horsemanship DVD and book set, plus all the gear (too numerous to mention) and you mustn't listen to all those people who will try to sabotage the beautiful new relationship that is about to blossom between you and your ponio. Don't be nervous; it'll be worth it!! And if you still feel uncertain about him after he's broken more bones and destroyed your family... you can always sell him on; a Huggled horse is always worth more than an unHuggled one! Good luck!!!


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## PapaFrita (4 November 2010)

horsesforever1 said:



			This is the best thread ever in the history of H&H .
		
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## cloudandmatrix (4 November 2010)

i have been laughing so hard at this- genius


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## Fuzznugget (5 November 2010)

Hi again PF, got a new problem that needs sorting. My Welshie lives out and it's raining!  She doesn't have a rug on, but I do have a turnout with 180g filling for her, should I put it on? Isn't it true ponies melt in the rain?! And what about getting her dry? Can I just use a hair dryer? 
Thanks so much for all your help!
-Numpty#3529


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## MissMincePie&Brandy (5 November 2010)

Dear PF 
I started riding a couple of years ago, and 6 months in I bought my mare from the local dealer. Trouble is my mare's turned out to be a bit of a b*tch. She's lame and has been for a long time now. She's known on the yard as The Old Goat. She's only about 11 and because I can't ride her, I quite fancy breeding a cute foal from her, it would be SO much fun and SO rewarding! Lots of people on the forum I write on tell me this is a good idea and is the thing to do with mares who are no good for anything else. Where do I find a Stallion, and what sort of stallion shall I mate her with?


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## PapaFrita (5 November 2010)

orsolya80 said:



			Hi again PF, got a new problem that needs sorting. My Welshie lives out and it's raining!  She doesn't have a rug on, but I do have a turnout with 180g filling for her, should I put it on? Isn't it true ponies melt in the rain?! And what about getting her dry? Can I just use a hair dryer? 
Thanks so much for all your help!
-Numpty#3529
		
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I'm sorry I was out and couldn't respond immediately; this is a genuine emergency!! If you haven't already done this you must bring your pony in immediately and dry her off. A hairdryer will do the trick. Ponies will not dissolve like sugar, but they do shrivel up and disappear like the Wicked Witch of the West when they get wet! Don't even get me started on the winged monkeys!!!!!


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## Fuzznugget (5 November 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			. Ponies will not dissolve like sugar, but they do shrivel up and disappear like the Wicked Witch of the West when they get wet! Don't even get me started on the winged monkeys!!!!!
		
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Oh noes! Can't have the winged monkeys carting her away!! Will they plait her beforehand though, you know, to let me know they're coming? It'd be nice to know... (though I gotta say, when i go to feed the blasted thing and she bucks at me I kinda wish they would.......... )


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## MissMincePie&Brandy (5 November 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			I'm sorry I was out and couldn't respond immediately; this is a genuine emergency!! If you haven't already done this you must bring your pony in immediately and dry her off. A hairdryer will do the trick. Ponies will not dissolve like sugar, but they do shrivel up and disappear like the Wicked Witch of the West when they get wet! Don't even get me started on the winged monkeys!!!!!
		
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I thought they multiplied when they got wet, like Gremlins? no?


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## PapaFrita (5 November 2010)

Misinterpreted said:



			I thought they multiplied when they got wet, like Gremlins? no?
		
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Only minis


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## PapaFrita (5 November 2010)

orsolya80 said:




Oh noes! Can't have the winged monkeys carting her away!! Will they plait her beforehand though, you know, to let me know they're coming? It'd be nice to know... (though I gotta say, when i go to feed the blasted thing and she bucks at me I kinda wish they would.......... )
		
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Winged monkeys won't alert you that they're going to nick your pony. They're too cunning for that. Nope, they'll use their cameraphone to identify her and _then_ pinch her.


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## PapaFrita (5 November 2010)

Misinterpreted said:



			Dear PF 
I started riding a couple of years ago, and 6 months in I bought my mare from the local dealer. Trouble is my mare's turned out to be a bit of a b*tch. She's lame and has been for a long time now. She's known on the yard as The Old Goat. She's only about 11 and because I can't ride her, I quite fancy breeding a cute foal from her, it would be SO much fun and SO rewarding! Lots of people on the forum I write on tell me this is a good idea and is the thing to do with mares who are no good for anything else. Where do I find a Stallion, and what sort of stallion shall I mate her with?
		
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Yes, breed from her. How cute to have a little scamp of a duplicate of your mare  I know some people say that soundness issues and temperament are hereditary, but what do they know?? And I've read that breeders are struggling to sell their papered youngstock, but that won't happen to you. Do you have children? How cute will it be to watch them and your foal play?! You can put the videos on Youtube and everyone will coo about how adorable they are together. As for a stallion... well, unless your mare is papered then there's not really much point in getting a registered stallion, is there? I recommend a coloured though; those are always popular  Look forward to seeing photos


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## cloudandmatrix (5 November 2010)

can i just say eating moussaka and reading this thread is a bad combination.

i am a brilliant rider. my mum said so when i managed to trot a 20metre circle without falling off. so WHY am i not  winning at grand prix dressage ? my pony can do piaffe- out hacking but i am sure in the school it the same thing, passage- again past a car she does this brilliantly, and her extended canter is to die for. sure it takes me half an hour to pull her up, but it looks amazing.
i have tried a double bridle, training- but i fired him because he said i was NOVICE! as if! i have been riding for 1 year and can now sit to her canter! where am i going wrong?


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## PapaFrita (5 November 2010)

cloudandmatrix said:



			can i just say eating moussaka and reading this thread is a bad combination.

i am a brilliant rider. my mum said so when i managed to trot a 20metre circle without falling off. so WHY am i not  winning at grand prix dressage ? my pony can do piaffe- out hacking but i am sure in the school it the same thing, passage- again past a car she does this brilliantly, and her extended canter is to die for. sure it takes me half an hour to pull her up, but it looks amazing.
i have tried a double bridle, training- but i fired him because he said i was NOVICE! as if! i have been riding for 1 year and can now sit to her canter! where am i going wrong?
		
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Thinking up answers to these questions must be what it's like to be high 

OK, back to business. Clearly if your mum tells you you're a brilliant rider, then you must be! You're not winning Grand Prix dressage because your parents haven't spent a ton of money on the right horse. Shame you didn't nab Totilas when he was on the market. Basically this is all their fault and you should sulk massively. As for your trainer... well, he's clearly jealous of your precocious talent!! You'll get him back when you beat him at dressage with your new horse that your parents will remortgage the house to buy....


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## cloudandmatrix (5 November 2010)

thank you so much for your brilliant advice  i have just had a huge tantrum, threatened to leave home, threw my mousakka at my mums head and then cried.
i am going horse shopping tomorrow  as well as shopping for the new pink gear i will be sporting, matching jacket, bandages, whip, horsebox, gloves and hat- but only for competitions- wouldnt want to mess up my hair!
i want a 17.2hh grey 4yr old stallion with a HUGE crest, will compliment me perfectly at 11 years old, 5ft and very skinny 
house has been successfully remortgaged 
thanks so much PF
you truely are enlightened


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## PapaFrita (5 November 2010)

cloudandmatrix said:



			thank you so much for your brilliant advice  i have just had a huge tantrum, threatened to leave home, threw my mousakka at my mums head and then cried.
i am going horse shopping tomorrow  as well as shopping for the new pink gear i will be sporting, matching jacket, bandages, whip, horsebox, gloves and hat- but only for competitions- wouldnt want to mess up my hair!
i want a 17.2hh grey 4yr old stallion with a HUGE crest, will compliment me perfectly at 11 years old, 5ft and very skinny 
house has been successfully remortgaged 
thanks so much PF
you truely are enlightened
		
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So glad it's worked out for you. You deserve to do well


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## Achinghips (18 November 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			I'm sorry I was out and couldn't respond immediately; this is a genuine emergency!! If you haven't already done this you must bring your pony in immediately and dry her off. A hairdryer will do the trick. Ponies will not dissolve like sugar, but they do shrivel up and disappear like the Wicked Witch of the West when they get wet! Don't even get me started on the winged monkeys!!!!!
		
Click to expand...

I use a leaf blower to dry off my spooky TB, works a treat


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## DragonSlayer (18 November 2010)

Dear PF,

I have a very serious problem indeed. Thing is, I want an iPad. Of course, it does mean that to get one, the horses will have to go without a few things, that will be ok, won't it?? I mean, I can cut down their hay to one slice each a day, and reduce their hard feed to a couple fo handfuls each too. Forget the vitamins, I can let them chew the wooden fence posts....and what about not bothering to have them shod anymore? I could make my own shoes, out of plastic pop bottles, and stick them on with glue! I could also use my nail-file to trim their feet, right?  Someone offered to buy my tack, so will I get away with baler-twine bridles? I don't mind going bare-back, and I could flog my hat at the local carboot...

Can you suggest other money-saving tips for me, so I can get that iPad??


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## Achinghips (18 November 2010)

PapaFrita said:



			Everyone knows that one; it's 42

But if that answer doesn't suit you, it's also a film by Monty Python, released in 1983


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Brilliant!


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## tallyho! (18 November 2010)

my-princess-pony said:



			I use my leaf blower on "suck" mode to bring in my mini shetlands

Never fails....
		
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focl!!!!!

(Falls Off Chair Laughing)


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## Achinghips (18 November 2010)

my-princess-pony said:



			I use my leaf blower on "suck" mode to bring in my mini shetlands

Never fails....
		
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Tears streaming down my face now


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## tallyho! (18 November 2010)

Achinghips said:



			Tears streaming down my face now

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oh I know!!! Do your ribs hurt?????


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## foraday (19 November 2010)

my-princess-pony said:



			I use my leaf blower on "suck" mode to bring in my mini shetlands

Never fails....
		
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OMG so funny!!!!  ;-)


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## eahotson (19 November 2010)

I am so pleased you are back papaFrita as I have a very serious problem too.I bought this poor neglected cob from a FIELD!!! with other horses!!! How bad can that be? No stable or individual turnout or anything.Of course I have him in a stable now.I have bought him loads of boots as horses legs fall off without boots right? They are all colour co ordinating naturally.We have turnout boots, flat work boots, jumping boots, cross country boots (different type of jumping!) hacking boots and boots to stand in the stable with.Don't think I have missed any.My problem is that everytime I approach him with some boots he lays his ears back and turns his bum on me.Do you think he just doesn't like the colours I have chosen? Numptie


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## tinaub (28 March 2011)

It is so good to have such a wonderful advice line on this forum! I wonder if you could help me and my friend. We have just started to go hunting, and we are getting so good at plaiting that our ponies plaits stayed in all day!! We wondered, would it be alright to leave the plaits in till next season? What about tails? Please reply as soon as possible. Thanks


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## tallyho! (28 March 2011)

Really hope PF gets back to you on this as I have been wondering the same thing since October (that was the last time I did an amazing plait)

Do you reckon you could just shave off the perfact plait.... then unibond it back on when needed???

Why don't they make readyplait (TM) I'm patenting that by the way because I think it is well amazing.


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## Kokopelli (28 March 2011)

I love this thread! 
Just read some of it for like the 100000 time and I'm still laughing. 

I think PF could do with some more questions though


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## irish_only (28 March 2011)

I have a very agile colt who has learnt to jump out of his field. If on one of his forays he happens to cover one of my liveries mares, should I charge her a full stud fee or offer a discount?


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## skint1 (28 March 2011)

irish_only said:



			I have a very agile colt who has learnt to jump out of his field. If on one of his forays he happens to cover one of my liveries mares, should I charge her a full stud fee or offer a discount?
		
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I think you should charge her double if she has a coloured foal, how lucky is that?!


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## narkymare (28 March 2011)

lol so so glad this thread is back - but where is papafritta?


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## Piglet (28 March 2011)

Dear PF.  I have a little horse of 15hh approx, can I ask my farrier to shoe him with a pair of 4" platforms?


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## Natch (28 March 2011)

Dear PF

Please can you solve an arguement I have been having with my mate. I think that gelding is inhumane and the most cruel thing ever, and so is keeping stallions locked up all day. So I keep mine in a nice big field - not that they are grateful, when they're not having some lady love with their own girls, they are off over the barbed wire fence as soon as another horse rides past, but be that as it may. 

My friend says I am the victim of indiscriminate breeding. Now I don't mind being called a victim, where there's a blame there's a claim etc, but she keeps on telling me it is cruel to bring so many new lives into this world. I personally don't see the problem, as they are nice and cute and to be honest they go walkies after a while anyway.

Who is right?


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## PapaFrita (28 March 2011)

my-princess-pony said:



			Papa Frita ! - GOD SPEED YOU TO PAGE ONE OF NEW LOUNGE !!!

Your advice is urgently sought !!!!!!!!!!!!!
		
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*Creakily gets out of virtual armchair and shuffles over*


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## Meowy Catkin (28 March 2011)

Bow down everyone, the banana stick guru is here!


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## PapaFrita (28 March 2011)

DragonSlayer said:



			Dear PF,

I have a very serious problem indeed. Thing is, I want an iPad. Of course, it does mean that to get one, the horses will have to go without a few things, that will be ok, won't it?? I mean, I can cut down their hay to one slice each a day, and reduce their hard feed to a couple fo handfuls each too. Forget the vitamins, I can let them chew the wooden fence posts....and what about not bothering to have them shod anymore? I could make my own shoes, out of plastic pop bottles, and stick them on with glue! I could also use my nail-file to trim their feet, right?  Someone offered to buy my tack, so will I get away with baler-twine bridles? I don't mind going bare-back, and I could flog my hat at the local carboot...

Can you suggest other money-saving tips for me, so I can get that iPad?? 



Click to expand...

Definitely cut feed back; it's overrated anyway, as is tack. OR you could buy a cheapo saddle on Ebay; one saddle fits all, and don't let anyone tell you different! You can of course take a 15 minute barefoot course and dispense with shoes, no need to worm or vaccinate of course... in no time at all you'll have your iPad


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## PapaFrita (28 March 2011)

my-princess-pony said:



			I use my leaf blower on "suck" mode to bring in my mini shetlands

Never fails....
		
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Doesn't the fluff clog it up? You know, like the lint catcher in a tumble-drier?


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## PapaFrita (28 March 2011)

eahotson said:



			I am so pleased you are back papaFrita as I have a very serious problem too.I bought this poor neglected cob from a FIELD!!! with other horses!!! How bad can that be? No stable or individual turnout or anything.Of course I have him in a stable now.I have bought him loads of boots as horses legs fall off without boots right? They are all colour co ordinating naturally.We have turnout boots, flat work boots, jumping boots, cross country boots (different type of jumping!) hacking boots and boots to stand in the stable with.Don't think I have missed any.My problem is that everytime I approach him with some boots he lays his ears back and turns his bum on me.Do you think he just doesn't like the colours I have chosen? Numptie
		
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Well, it is possible that you're not matchy-matchying properly, or that the colours don't exactly complement your horse's colouring.. he may be an 'autumn' horse, but if you're using spring colours... well... the consequences could be... *gulp* that you don't... *gulp* _match_ and he'll never forgive you. Please post photos so we can discern which season your horse is


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## PapaFrita (28 March 2011)

tinaub said:



			It is so good to have such a wonderful advice line on this forum! I wonder if you could help me and my friend. We have just started to go hunting, and we are getting so good at plaiting that our ponies plaits stayed in all day!! We wondered, would it be alright to leave the plaits in till next season? What about tails? Please reply as soon as possible. Thanks
		
Click to expand...

Very good idea! The less effort you have to put into your turnout the better. You MAY have to use some super fixative or even varnish to keep them in place and properly shiny, but it'll be worth the expense and trouble in the long run.


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## PapaFrita (28 March 2011)

tallyho! said:



			Really hope PF gets back to you on this as I have been wondering the same thing since October (that was the last time I did an amazing plait)

Do you reckon you could just shave off the perfact plait.... then unibond it back on when needed???

Why don't they make readyplait (TM) I'm patenting that by the way because I think it is well amazing.
		
Click to expand...

VERY good idea. Perhaps you should velcro it on though.


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## Queenbee (28 March 2011)

Faracat said:



			Bow down everyone, the banana stick guru is here! 

Click to expand...


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## PapaFrita (28 March 2011)

irish_only said:



			I have a very agile colt who has learnt to jump out of his field. If on one of his forays he happens to cover one of my liveries mares, should I charge her a full stud fee or offer a discount?
		
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Well if the livery can't keep control of her mare, then it's her own fault, isn't it? I bet the mare seduced your innocent colt. Charge her full price and perhaps an extra for leading your colt astray; I bet you NEVER had any trouble before...


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## PapaFrita (28 March 2011)

Eeyore.1 said:



			Dear PF.  I have a little horse of 15hh approx, can I ask my farrier to shoe him with a pair of 4" platforms?  

Click to expand...

Absolutely; they do it to Tennessee Walking Horses all the time!! Or better still, get him some stilts.


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## Meowy Catkin (28 March 2011)

queenbee said:








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LOL.

Remember, if you don't like PF's advice, it's because you don't understand it.


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## PapaFrita (28 March 2011)

Naturally said:



			Dear PF

Please can you solve an arguement I have been having with my mate. I think that gelding is inhumane and the most cruel thing ever, and so is keeping stallions locked up all day. So I keep mine in a nice big field - not that they are grateful, when they're not having some lady love with their own girls, they are off over the barbed wire fence as soon as another horse rides past, but be that as it may. 

My friend says I am the victim of indiscriminate breeding. Now I don't mind being called a victim, where there's a blame there's a claim etc, but she keeps on telling me it is cruel to bring so many new lives into this world. I personally don't see the problem, as they are nice and cute and to be honest they go walkies after a while anyway.

Who is right?
		
Click to expand...

Well, clearly YOU'RE right. It's only natural for horses to live at one with nature and want to shag like mad. Foals are adorable, everyone loves them and they don't even need looking after, veterinary treatment, training or ANYthing. The world needs loads of cute foalies- who cares what they grow up to be?


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## PapaFrita (28 March 2011)

Faracat said:



			LOL.

Remember, if you don't like PF's advice, it's because you don't understand it. 

Click to expand...

Yes indeed. I could explain, but if you didn't understand it to start with you just won't get it because you are not in tune with your horse and basically lack any empathy or Huggly Horse Sense.


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## Natch (28 March 2011)

Dear PF

United of HHO are trying to shut down my circus, and its not my fault my staff batter my animals.

What should I do?

Anon


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## Queenbee (28 March 2011)

Faracat said:



			LOL.

Remember, if you don't like PF's advice, it's because you don't understand it. 

Click to expand...

  PF is a god! (here we go, i'll get attacked for hero worship now!)  She brings some much needed tounge in cheek smiles to a way to 'PC' forum.

PF:  My foal is all fluffy and he takes an age to moult (sp?!) naturally, I don't want to use clippers because the bits get everywhere and I will probably end up clipping my hair extensions by accident.  So my idea is to wax him all over, less mess and much tidyer finish.  Just 3 questions really:

1: hot or cold wax
2: should I leave a saddle patch
3:  Do you know where I can get a bum stencil that says the only good thing that came from my ex


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## Fii (28 March 2011)

OMG, I had forgoten about this thread,lol!!


  Dear PF.

   I am thinking of going to the sales to buy two shetlands for my grand daughter, but i don't have a horse box.
 As they will be really small i was thinking of transporting them in the back of the car, do you think i should take the babyseat out first??
  yours, Durrbrain.


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## horsesatemymoney (28 March 2011)

Dear PF,

Glad I found you- I'm new! And to horses too- I have just been given an old horse, late twenties (it's dead cute, really curly hair and always wants a drink) its been in a field with lots of pretty yellow flowers for a few years- I've got one of them 'cub' saddles for it (should fit, it's about 6 foot tall maybe?)- my friend said that it should be ready for the show jumping scene in no time? I was hoping to do, now how do you spell it, puissance?

Also I got a nice two year old stallion- I'm not too sure what that means or what make it is- but I don't think this one is for jumping- i'm thinking maybe putting this one in a cart and hiring it out for weddings etc? My friend has a mare she said they could pull the cart as a pair-but I don't know how to train it to like the cart? I was maybe thinking of tying a brush to its tail to get it used to the scraping sounds? Will rope do it or is barbed wire better? i was going to put my 5 year old daughter in first anyway and then build up the weight.

the old horse didn't have a passport, but i said that was fine because until we get really good at jumping it won't leave the country. The younger one is called Clive but this is written underneath another name which has been crossed out, can't quite see what it said but maybe they decided Clive suited him better? Do you have any tips for me?


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## fitzaud2 (28 March 2011)

Dear PF, best post ever, I've just laughed through all the pages, fantastic reading. Sooo funny!!!


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## SuperCoblet (28 March 2011)

Dear PF

My cob is too short for my liking, should I:
A) put 5 inch shoes on him so he hobbles around breaking his legs?
B) put him on one of those stretchers that you see in those films that torture people to make his legs grow?
C) just go around with roller skates and make ramps for them to go over jumps?

Thanks, GTC


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## PapaFrita (29 March 2011)

Naturally said:



			Dear PF

United of HHO are trying to shut down my circus, and its not my fault my staff batter my animals.

What should I do?

Anon
		
Click to expand...

What??! Don't they understand that it is perfectly acceptable to beat, stab, jab, poke and generally abuse animals in the name of entertainment?? I'm sure your staff were perfectly justified in treating your animals a tad... roughly. Also, don't United of HHO understand that by shutting down your circus you'll go out of business and all your hard-working staff will be out of work?! Poor you! Perhaps you could scale down your operation a bit; get in some gerbils, hamsters, a budgie or two... no one really cares about those and you can fit the lot into the back of an estate. You mustn't give up providing sterling entertainment of this kind; everyone just LOVES to see animals doing humiliating tricks; it's traditional like bear baiting and must be continued for the good of the nation.
Good luck and have a Huggle.


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## PapaFrita (29 March 2011)

queenbee said:



  PF is a god! (here we go, i'll get attacked for hero worship now!)  She brings some much needed tounge in cheek smiles to a way to 'PC' forum.

PF:  My foal is all fluffy and he takes an age to moult (sp?!) naturally, I don't want to use clippers because the bits get everywhere and I will probably end up clipping my hair extensions by accident.  So my idea is to wax him all over, less mess and much tidyer finish.  Just 3 questions really:

1: hot or cold wax
2: should I leave a saddle patch
3:  Do you know where I can get a bum stencil that says the only good thing that came from my ex 

Click to expand...

Oh yes, I do understand; foal fluff is SO inconvenient. The temperature is creeping above freezing and you'll be wanting to ride your foal very soon, so definitely wax him. Hot wax will keep him warm, leave a saddle patch and I love the idea for the stencil  I believe that slogan is the top seller!


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## PapaFrita (29 March 2011)

Fii said:



			OMG, I had forgoten about this thread,lol!!


  Dear PF.

   I am thinking of going to the sales to buy two shetlands for my grand daughter, but i don't have a horse box.
 As they will be really small i was thinking of transporting them in the back of the car, do you think i should take the babyseat out first??
  yours, Durrbrain.
		
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I know for a fact that you can comfortably fit two shetlands into the back of an Astra estate. Not sure you can fit them on the back seat of a saloon, but it's worth a try. You might have to get another baby seat; safety first!!


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## eahotson (29 March 2011)

Welcome back PapaFrita.I have a problem with my ponio.He sometimes tries to run off after I have been lunging him for an hour or so.I don't like that!Should I put weights on his legs to slow him down or tie the lunge rope round my wrist to help me keep a better grip?


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## Ranyhyn (29 March 2011)

Hi PF

I have a 15 year old ISH gelding.  He's suffered a collateral ligament injury and now can only hack.
Can I breed a foal from him please?

Jen


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## rubysmum (29 March 2011)

so glad you are back - my mare is doing very badly at dressage but when i looked at the photos i could see why - we have NO dead sheep AT ALL  - As its lamby time & she she is a big girl - i wonderd if i could just make her a lamby pendant - the lamb could double as extra rugging as she only has 3 rugs on at the moment & coudl keep her company when she is turned out - i dont want her standing with common non-dressage horsies - would i need to get her a parreli trained lamby or would any one do?
i bow down to your banana knowledge


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## Paddy Irish (29 March 2011)

Dear PF

I have a question which you may have already answered , i can't be assed to trawl through the billions of posts , and i've only just joined this forum as i've been in training for the olympics - i'm doing chav shooting on horseback - anyway my ponio is now getting really fat as the grass comes through and I've been told to reduce his food intake and also it's time to worm him. Please could you tell me where i can purchase these worms , my friend says i should follow a suitable worming programme but they're never on TV when i'm in...If i feed the tape-worm Will i have to cut out the feed as the tape worm will just eat it up inside ponio??

 , if the answer is on one of the DVDs 1-10 then please let me now.

Thanks fat- eddery.


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## Thistle (29 March 2011)

Dear PF

Surely everyone knows that you don't need to put platform shoes on horses to make them taller. You just don't ever get their feet trimmed. That way you get pretty frilly bits round the edges and sometimes if you are really lucky you get those curly toed feet as well. Saves money too!


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## Ranyhyn (29 March 2011)

<3's toe curl!


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## c2b (29 March 2011)

This has to be my all time favourite thread. I have learnt so much. It needs to be made compulsory reading before anyone gets a horse. It's just loaded with info, hints and tips.


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## CHH (29 March 2011)

This is one of the funniest and yet horrifyingly real things I have read in a long time.

Sadly, the insanity of it is true.

Our recent experience (and NEVER to be repeated) of selling a horse (cheap as we had no job for it here) was - well - enlightening to say the least.

Sorry if this offends anyone.

But I had so many people contact me about the horse I lost who I had returned calls/emails etc.. and spent my evenings on the phone to people.

The horse was being 'sold from the field' as been off work 4 months- so why ask for a saddle?
Why ask suitable for beginner?
Why see the price and then send emails asking for loans, asking for the horse 'for free' explaining you don't have much money and so funds are limited but 'home for life'.

how can that be a 'home for life' - how on earth if a person can't afford to purchase the horse do they intend to look after the horse?
What about feed costs and any other future costs that may arise?

Just because they like the idea of owning a horse - are they really being serious about their ability to afford one?

I had one person ask to view it, tell me she had no money and would I purchase a train ticket for her to come view the horse?????!!!!!!

In the 10 years since I last sold a horse - what on earth is going out there.

I could write a book about the viewers to this horse!

I know this may sound awful, but quality of life for these animals is paramount as far as I am concerned, and I would rather an animal who was unsound or whatever PTS than end up suffering in a the 'sales cycle' (being shipped about always for sale) or being in the wrong hands and someone being hurt, injured or worse. 

Sorry for the long post, ahh got it off my chest.


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## horsey mad matt (29 March 2011)

dear PF

my 17.2 thoroughbred mare weighs 30 kg, yes 30kg. i know she is really over weight, well about to drop dead!!! but i can't seem to get her to loose any. she hasn't been fed for the past 3 months, she is fully clipped with no rug and is in the dirt field so she can't eat anything. we have had freezing tempuratures here for the past month and tempurates are reching -10. i am really stuck for thoughts. oh yeah also there is no shelter in her paddock she is in the middle of a 30 acre open field, with grass all around her so hope she may freeze some weight off!!! your help would be great.

my other problem is an underweight 12hh pony at 700kg. he get fed this three times aday:

1stubbs scoop competition mix
1 scp weight gain mix
1scp alpha-A oil 
1 scp conditioning mix

this doesn't seem very much should i up it?? then maybe he will put on more weight. and he is also in a 30 acre field of rich grass up to his eyes. no joke!!!!


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## FairyLights (29 March 2011)

Dear PF, my neice want to go to Pony Club, I feel that she could take my 16.2 hh 2 year old warmblood. It would be good for the horse to have some schooling under the eye of the experienced instructors there,and as my neice is only 6 years old the two babies together should learn very quickly and grow up together creating a strong bond. They should prove to be natural show jumpers. The Pony Club DC disagrees. I think the DC is an old fashioned BHS type,and as she breds little bitsy poniois just wants my neice to buy one! bloomin'cheek! My warm blood does parelli and stuff and lokks good in a western saddle. Why cant my neice ride her in a cowboy hat? it looks best with the western tack. Will you write to the PC committee and tell them how old fashioned they are! I know I am right
Western and Warmblood Fan.


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## Piglet (29 March 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			Absolutely; they do it to Tennessee Walking Horses all the time!! Or better still, get him some stilts.
		
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Thank you PF for answering my question, my farrier is coming next week so will ask him (hopefully he won't charge too much) may also ask him to reccommend me a brain surgeon at the same time to examine my horses pea size brain


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## PapaFrita (29 March 2011)

horsesatemymoney said:



			Dear PF,

Glad I found you- I'm new! And to horses too- I have just been given an old horse, late twenties (it's dead cute, really curly hair and always wants a drink) its been in a field with lots of pretty yellow flowers for a few years- I've got one of them 'cub' saddles for it (should fit, it's about 6 foot tall maybe?)- my friend said that it should be ready for the show jumping scene in no time? I was hoping to do, now how do you spell it, puissance?

Also I got a nice two year old stallion- I'm not too sure what that means or what make it is- but I don't think this one is for jumping- i'm thinking maybe putting this one in a cart and hiring it out for weddings etc? My friend has a mare she said they could pull the cart as a pair-but I don't know how to train it to like the cart? I was maybe thinking of tying a brush to its tail to get it used to the scraping sounds? Will rope do it or is barbed wire better? i was going to put my 5 year old daughter in first anyway and then build up the weight.

the old horse didn't have a passport, but i said that was fine because until we get really good at jumping it won't leave the country. The younger one is called Clive but this is written underneath another name which has been crossed out, can't quite see what it said but maybe they decided Clive suited him better? Do you have any tips for me?
		
Click to expand...

Ok, well your old horse has got a condition called 'cushions'; it's absolutely normal for old horses to have cushions, and sometimes pillows as well. One of the symptoms is curly hair, but it makes him more attractive, should you ever wish to sell him, to prospective purchases as you can say he's a Bashkir Curly and hypoallergenic 
20 is not to old to become a successful showjumper but you must get cracking ASAP and work him really hard to get him as fit as possible sooner rather than later.
As for your stallion; 2 is old enough for him to start working and with the price of petrol as it is, you should make him tow your car around; Result! You save tonnes of money and exercise your horse at the same time  Clive is a lovely name. I'm sure it is much better than the one he had and crossing the name out and putting another in is the standard name-changing procedure for all reputable breed societies.


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## PapaFrita (29 March 2011)

fitzaud2 said:



			Dear PF, best post ever, I've just laughed through all the pages, fantastic reading. Sooo funny!!!
		
Click to expand...

Glad you like it. Hope you are a follower of Huggly Horsemanship


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## PapaFrita (29 March 2011)

GypsyTheCob said:



			Dear PF

My cob is too short for my liking, should I:
A) put 5 inch shoes on him so he hobbles around breaking his legs?
B) put him on one of those stretchers that you see in those films that torture people to make his legs grow?
C) just go around with roller skates and make ramps for them to go over jumps?

Thanks, GTC
		
Click to expand...

Ah, well any of those three will work, but perhaps the 5 inch shoes are the most practical solution? HOWEVER if your cob is still under 7 he is still growing and if you feed him loads and loads he will grow at LEAST another hand. Don't worry if he starts to look a bit 'round'; this is how cobs are supposed to look. In fact, as a guide, a cob should be as wide as he is tall. Hope this helps


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## PapaFrita (29 March 2011)

eahotson said:



			Welcome back PapaFrita.I have a problem with my ponio.He sometimes tries to run off after I have been lunging him for an hour or so.I don't like that!Should I put weights on his legs to slow him down or tie the lunge rope round my wrist to help me keep a better grip?
		
Click to expand...

Sorry to hear you're having trouble with your ponio. He's very naughty to try to get out of his work like that after only and hour. You should work him at least an hour longer, and definitely pack his boots with lead to slow him down. Tying the lunge rope around your wrist is a bit dangerous as you will need a whip in each hand. Tie the rope round your waist; result! 
Hope this helps


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## MrsMozart (29 March 2011)

Oh PF! So glad you're here   

I have fifty horses. All competition beasties. I find I'm having problems exercising them all every day... Can I ride one and just lead the others? Can we jump? I'm practising for the puissance, so could probably get ten over next to each other?

Going to have to do something. Can't afford staff or more saddles and I do have to watch m'day time telly


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## PapaFrita (29 March 2011)

Kitsune said:



			Hi PF

I have a 15 year old ISH gelding.  He's suffered a collateral ligament injury and now can only hack.
Can I breed a foal from him please?

Jen
		
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Hmm, well, I know fuddy duddies will say not to breed from a gelding, and especially one who has been retired out of injury, but I think that's rubbish and you should go for it!! Try and breed a coloured foal though, as those are always popular, should you decide not to keep it.


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## camilla4 (29 March 2011)

Right, Papa Frita - I have a bone to pick with you!!  I posted a while ago to tell you that, in spite of all the money I spend buying my lovely dressage horsey and obtaining all the latest gear (matchy matchy and all), I  have yet to win a Grand Prix. I have been riding for at least four years now and have lessons regularly - at least once a month.  You pointed out that all the top dressage horses seem to be black so I sold my old one and bought a shiny new black one - but guess what?  Not a single rosette.  I changed the colour of the matchy matchy stuff and bought myself a whole new outfit, but still nothing. Obviously this horsey will have to go too, but what colour should I try next?  And should I get a high-profile trainer?


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## horsesatemymoney (29 March 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			Ok, well your old horse has got a condition called 'cushions'; it's absolutely normal for old horses to have cushions, and sometimes pillows as well. One of the symptoms is curly hair, but it makes him more attractive, should you ever wish to sell him, to prospective purchases as you can say he's a Bashkir Curly and hypoallergenic 
20 is not to old to become a successful showjumper but you must get cracking ASAP and work him really hard to get him as fit as possible sooner rather than later.
As for your stallion; 2 is old enough for him to start working and with the price of petrol as it is, you should make him tow your car around; Result! You save tonnes of money and exercise your horse at the same time  Clive is a lovely name. I'm sure it is much better than the one he had and crossing the name out and putting another in is the standard name-changing procedure for all reputable breed societies.
		
Click to expand...

*Thanks PF- feel much better for that. As it happens I do have a naughty pony for sale, the vet said I should 'strangles?' it and not move it so I thought it was best to hold an open day for people to see him. He's only little so will prob fit in a car to take him home. I don't really want to sell but I've recently put on weight (18 stone) and the judge have said I am too big for PC mounted games- what do they know? I was thinking of trading it in for something a little bigger, i went to one of those sales and saw a lovely skinny ex race horse needing a new home- thought I would save loads of money because I won't have to feed it (who wants a fat racehorse) and maybe I can get it back racing- seem one of them spur things to make it go really quick *


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## PapaFrita (29 March 2011)

rubysmum said:



			so glad you are back - my mare is doing very badly at dressage but when i looked at the photos i could see why - we have NO dead sheep AT ALL  - As its lamby time & she she is a big girl - i wonderd if i could just make her a lamby pendant - the lamb could double as extra rugging as she only has 3 rugs on at the moment & coudl keep her company when she is turned out - i dont want her standing with common non-dressage horsies - would i need to get her a parreli trained lamby or would any one do?
i bow down to your banana knowledge

Click to expand...

*nods understandingly* Ah yes, an easy mistake to make. People will have you believe that you can do dressage is a bridle with NO bling and NO sheepskin. They are LYING because they are jealous. You must go out immediately and procure as much sheepskin as you can and a pet lamb as well.  BUT it must not be trained by Parelli; you need a Huggly trained lamb as these are correctly attuned to the needs of the top class dressage horse. Only £10,500.


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## PapaFrita (29 March 2011)

paddy irish said:



			Dear PF

I have a question which you may have already answered , i can't be assed to trawl through the billions of posts , and i've only just joined this forum as i've been in training for the olympics - i'm doing chav shooting on horseback - anyway my ponio is now getting really fat as the grass comes through and I've been told to reduce his food intake and also it's time to worm him. Please could you tell me where i can purchase these worms , my friend says i should follow a suitable worming programme but they're never on TV when i'm in...If i feed the tape-worm Will i have to cut out the feed as the tape worm will just eat it up inside ponio??

 , if the answer is on one of the DVDs 1-10 then please let me now.

Thanks fat- eddery.
		
Click to expand...

If you want to get a suitable worming programme, it'll have to be on cable as terrestrial TV is no good at all in that respect. The best worms to get are earth worms as they will mulch your horse's food in its stomach and make it easier to digest. They won't hurt your horse at all and you will be able to reduce all feeds by half. How's that for a moneysaving tip? I happen to have some Huggly worms available at only £999 each. You'll need about 30
and I'll throw in the DVDs which have other VERY valuable tips on horse management and training.


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## c2b (29 March 2011)

Tying the lunge rope around your wrist is a bit dangerous as you will need a whip in each hand. Tie the rope round your waist; result!
		
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 I am surprised at you PF surely round the neck would be better?


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## Flicker (29 March 2011)

Dear PF,

I have bought a new WOW saddle with my name in diamante at the back.  My stirrups are so long my toes only just reach them.  I ride in draw reins only and don't wear a riding hat.  I say things like 'he's moving off his hocks a bit'.  But I am still not winning any competitions.  What is wrong with my horse?


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## camilla4 (29 March 2011)

Flicker said:



			Dear PF,

I have bought a new WOW saddle with my name in diamante at the back.  My stirrups are so long my toes only just reach them.  I ride in draw reins only and don't wear a riding hat.  I say things like 'he's moving off his hocks a bit'.  But I am still not winning any competitions.  What is wrong with my horse?
		
Click to expand...

PF is pretty good at sorting out this sort of issue - I've just posted an extension to a similar query that I sent her last time-I think we will both be able to learn a lot!!


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## Damnation (29 March 2011)

PF - I bought a new ponio 2 weeks ago, a 18month old foal. I have since backed her and she wouldn't stop bucking  So I put her in a double bridle and draw reins. What more can I do to stop this naughty behaviour?? She is a TB with tiny legs but I am only 25 stone!! Please help!

Your sincerely
IAmACompleteAndUtterIdiotWhoShouldNeverBeAllowedToOwnAHorse


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## Natch (29 March 2011)

Dear PF,

My hamster is very flat. Please help. I have the Huggly Horsemanship for Hamsters DVDs and banana stick, and have followed your instructions to the letter, but Henrietta the Happy Hippy Hamster just won't get up and be 3d any more. I'm beginning to think that maybe asking her to lift a bag of sugar was a bit too soon, but your DVD told me I was doing a "good job" when i watched it while practicing my Hamster Havock game so it must have been ok 

I loves my animals I do and need help for Henrietta. Have you got anything else I can purchase which might help?

love and kisses,

Hattie the Hamster Holiday Entertainer


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## Mrs B (29 March 2011)

Dear PF,

I offer counselling for overworked Agony Aunts and Problem Solvers. For a very modest fee (£1000 plus VAT per week, free binder with Part One of the course) you can stay in luxurious accommodation (my spare room) and enjoy a home made boiled egg every breakfast before you spend a fun-filled day of housework, ironing, filing, plastering and general stable duties. Nothing better on the market for taking your mind off other people's pesky problems and you will return to work refreshed and full of the joys of Spring. *

Please forward your bank details to my account in the Caymen Islands.

Best wishes

Mrs B

PS Please bring your own towel, wine and spitoon.

* Please note, this is not a guarantee


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## Tonty Tont (29 March 2011)

Dear PF,

I've got a bit of a problem. I'm 5 foot and weigh 5 stone, but my horse is only an 18hh shire. I feel like i'm far too big, I mean my feet nearly reach the end of the saddle flap  

Have you got anything to make him grow taller? He's only 32, so he shouldn't have reached his full height yet.

Thank you, Imastupididiot


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## PapaFrita (29 March 2011)

Thistle said:



			Dear PF

Surely everyone knows that you don't need to put platform shoes on horses to make them taller. You just don't ever get their feet trimmed. That way you get pretty frilly bits round the edges and sometimes if you are really lucky you get those curly toed feet as well. Saves money too!
		
Click to expand...

And if their toes curl, you can just wheel them around


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## PapaFrita (29 March 2011)

CHH said:



			This is one of the funniest and yet horrifyingly real things I have read in a long time.

Sadly, the insanity of it is true.

Our recent experience (and NEVER to be repeated) of selling a horse (cheap as we had no job for it here) was - well - enlightening to say the least.

Sorry if this offends anyone.

But I had so many people contact me about the horse I lost who I had returned calls/emails etc.. and spent my evenings on the phone to people.

The horse was being 'sold from the field' as been off work 4 months- so why ask for a saddle?
Why ask suitable for beginner?
Why see the price and then send emails asking for loans, asking for the horse 'for free' explaining you don't have much money and so funds are limited but 'home for life'.

how can that be a 'home for life' - how on earth if a person can't afford to purchase the horse do they intend to look after the horse?
What about feed costs and any other future costs that may arise?

Just because they like the idea of owning a horse - are they really being serious about their ability to afford one?

I had one person ask to view it, tell me she had no money and would I purchase a train ticket for her to come view the horse?????!!!!!!

In the 10 years since I last sold a horse - what on earth is going out there.

I could write a book about the viewers to this horse!

I know this may sound awful, but quality of life for these animals is paramount as far as I am concerned, and I would rather an animal who was unsound or whatever PTS than end up suffering in a the 'sales cycle' (being shipped about always for sale) or being in the wrong hands and someone being hurt, injured or worse. 

Sorry for the long post, ahh got it off my chest.
		
Click to expand...

*gulp*


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## PapaFrita (29 March 2011)

horsey mad matt said:



			dear PF

my 17.2 thoroughbred mare weighs 30 kg, yes 30kg. i know she is really over weight, well about to drop dead!!! but i can't seem to get her to loose any. she hasn't been fed for the past 3 months, she is fully clipped with no rug and is in the dirt field so she can't eat anything. we have had freezing tempuratures here for the past month and tempurates are reching -10. i am really stuck for thoughts. oh yeah also there is no shelter in her paddock she is in the middle of a 30 acre open field, with grass all around her so hope she may freeze some weight off!!! your help would be great.

my other problem is an underweight 12hh pony at 700kg. he get fed this three times aday:

1stubbs scoop competition mix
1 scp weight gain mix
1scp alpha-A oil 
1 scp conditioning mix

this doesn't seem very much should i up it?? then maybe he will put on more weight. and he is also in a 30 acre field of rich grass up to his eyes. no joke!!!!
		
Click to expand...

Blimey, I'm flummoxed.... You're doing all the right things... I think your main concern though is your underweight pony. Put him in the field as soon as poss! Poor darling must be so hungry. As for the TB; I've never known a TB to be so hard to shift weight off!!


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## PapaFrita (29 March 2011)

Horsesforever1 said:



			Dear PF, my neice want to go to Pony Club, I feel that she could take my 16.2 hh 2 year old warmblood. It would be good for the horse to have some schooling under the eye of the experienced instructors there,and as my neice is only 6 years old the two babies together should learn very quickly and grow up together creating a strong bond. They should prove to be natural show jumpers. The Pony Club DC disagrees. I think the DC is an old fashioned BHS type,and as she breds little bitsy poniois just wants my neice to buy one! bloomin'cheek! My warm blood does parelli and stuff and lokks good in a western saddle. Why cant my neice ride her in a cowboy hat? it looks best with the western tack. Will you write to the PC committee and tell them how old fashioned they are! I know I am right
Western and Warmblood Fan.
		
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Oh, what a wonderful idea! Horse babies and human babies go SO well together. All the Disney films bear this fact out; they will learn together and become two hearts beating as one... people will write books and films about them! Don't worry about the DC, she's stuck in the dark ages and your daughter will be absolutely fine without a hat doing Parelli and looking cute in her western tack. You stick to your guns and don't forget to post your vids on Youtube!!


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## SusannaF (29 March 2011)

MrsMozart said:



			Oh PF! So glad you're here   

I have fifty horses. All competition beasties. I find I'm having problems exercising them all every day... Can I ride one and just lead the others? Can we jump? I'm practising for the puissance, so could probably get ten over next to each other?

Going to have to do something. Can't afford staff or more saddles and I do have to watch m'day time telly 

Click to expand...

No problem, Mrs M. This is what you want: http://www.kikkulimethod.com/


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## PapaFrita (29 March 2011)

Eeyore.1 said:



			Thank you PF for answering my question, my farrier is coming next week so will ask him (hopefully he won't charge too much) may also ask him to reccommend me a brain surgeon at the same time to examine my horses pea size brain
		
Click to expand...

My BIL is a brain surgeon. He's got his own saw and everything  I'll ask him to get in touch


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## PapaFrita (29 March 2011)

MrsMozart said:



			Oh PF! So glad you're here   

I have fifty horses. All competition beasties. I find I'm having problems exercising them all every day... Can I ride one and just lead the others? Can we jump? I'm practising for the puissance, so could probably get ten over next to each other?

Going to have to do something. Can't afford staff or more saddles and I do have to watch m'day time telly 

Click to expand...

Yes, you can ride one and lead at least 6 others at the same time. If your jumps are wide enough you can jump them as well. Who needs staff? They can all live out and of course they can all wear the same saddle; you can only put your bottom on one at any time, after all.
Daytime TV requires your full attention at all times!!


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## horsey mad matt (29 March 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			Blimey, I'm flummoxed.... You're doing all the right things... I think your main concern though is your underweight pony. Put him in the field as soon as poss! Poor darling must be so hungry. As for the TB; I've never known a TB to be so hard to shift weight off!!
		
Click to expand...

he is already in the 30 arcres so not sure what to do, he had three heavy weight combos on but i have now put a duvet under them to make him warmer. the thoroughbred is now being lunged for 3 hours, and galloped for another 5 on the near by gallops by a girl that has never touched a horse in her life but is learning fast!!


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## PapaFrita (29 March 2011)

camilla4 said:



			Right, Papa Frita - I have a bone to pick with you!!  I posted a while ago to tell you that, in spite of all the money I spend buying my lovely dressage horsey and obtaining all the latest gear (matchy matchy and all), I  have yet to win a Grand Prix. I have been riding for at least four years now and have lessons regularly - at least once a month.  You pointed out that all the top dressage horses seem to be black so I sold my old one and bought a shiny new black one - but guess what?  Not a single rosette.  I changed the colour of the matchy matchy stuff and bought myself a whole new outfit, but still nothing. Obviously this horsey will have to go too, but what colour should I try next?  And should I get a high-profile trainer?
		
Click to expand...

You mean you didn't immediately book a full course of lessons with Carl Hester? *sigh* Well there you go!! If you'd had lessons with Carl you'd be at LEAST as good as he is by now. Well, all that's left for you to do is to get a big chestnut like Alf and to get lessons with Laura B. All matchy matchy accessories MUST be taupe.


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## JFTDWS (29 March 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			Yes, you can ride one and lead at least 6 others at the same time. If your jumps are wide enough you can jump them as well. Who needs staff? They can all live out and of course they can all wear the same saddle; you can only put your bottom on one at any time, after all.
Daytime TV requires your full attention at all times!!
		
Click to expand...

I had a portable tv cradle fitted to the earpiece of my pony's bridle - now I can keep up with daytime tv whilst hacking round the roads!  But the drivers keep screeching up behind me - what more can I do to make them be more careful?  I already ride down the middle of the road so they can't miss me, and I don't wear any of that gaudy distracting yellow stuff so there's no excuse they mistook me for a christmas tree either   what else can I do??


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## MrsMozart (29 March 2011)

Splendid! Thank you 

I shall immediately wire you the entire contents of my piggy bank.


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## dominobrown (29 March 2011)

PF, are you still there?? I have an important question for you. 
I am looking for a new horse but there seems be _no_ suitable horses for sale. I thought with the market like it was it would be easy to find one!
I only have a few simple requirements too....
It must be a flashy horse, so nothing hairy or cobby, but I hate TBs or anything related to a TB. It must be quiet enough for young children who have never ridden to ride, but I fancy doing quite a bit of competing so I am looking for something well schooled to GP level dressage and pops a 1.30m showjumps, and not a plod, but good in traffic.
Must be good to travel, shoe, clip, catch obvs.
It will live out so must be hardy but as I have said I don't want a native or hairy horse. I must be a weight carrier but not a heavy build. I don't want to feed it either so it must be a good doer.
I mustn't have a white hair on it as I don't like cleaning horses. 
I think these reasonable demands shoulkd be within my £200 budget 
Stupid people selling horses want SO much money! Any ideas??

(p.s I have seen an actual wanted _advert_ very similar to this)


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## Snoozinsusan (29 March 2011)

dominobrown said:



			PF, are you still there?? I have an important question for you. 
I am looking for a new horse but there seems be _no_ suitable horses for sale. I thought with the market like it was it would be easy to find one!
I only have a few simple requirements too....
It must be a flashy horse, so nothing hairy or cobby, but I hate TBs or anything related to a TB. It must be quiet enough for young children who have never ridden to ride, but I fancy doing quite a bit of competing so I am looking for something well schooled to GP level dressage and pops a 1.30m showjumps, and not a plod, but good in traffic.
Must be good to travel, shoe, clip, catch obvs.
It will live out so must be hardy but as I have said I don't want a native or hairy horse. I must be a weight carrier but not a heavy build. I don't want to feed it either so it must be a good doer.
I mustn't have a white hair on it as I don't like cleaning horses. 
I think these reasonable demands shoulkd be within my £200 budget 
Stupid people selling horses want SO much money! Any ideas??

(p.s I have seen an actual wanted _advert_ very similar to this) 

Click to expand...

I have just the one for you (I presume you made a typo and your budget is actually £20,000)

He has already featured in this thread, he was going to be sold to Laura B but she wasted my time and didn't turn up! 







As you can see, he's a great allrounder.  He could even play for England, imagine how much he would be worth then!  

I am sure PF would recommend him, she always spoke highly of him!


----------



## narkymare (29 March 2011)

Snoozinsusan said:



			I have just the one for you (I presume you made a typo and your budget is actually £20,000)

He has already featured in this thread, he was going to be sold to Laura B but she wasted my time and didn't turn up! 







As you can see, he's a great allrounder.  He could even play for England, imagine how much he would be worth then!  

I am sure PF would recommend him, she always spoke highly of him! 

Click to expand...














pmsl i love this thread!!!!


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## horsey mad matt (29 March 2011)

deaar PF

i have recently bought a 16.2 hh black mare, supposedly grand prix dressage horse for whom i payed £60k for. we have really expensive tack and school in double bridle and draw reins but having won any competitions. i'll show a pic of her and see what you think







do you think she was worth the money??


(p.s this isn't my horse i got it from google images, so don't tell me off for cruelty)


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## dominobrown (29 March 2011)

Snoozinsusan said:



			I have just the one for you (I presume you made a typo and your budget is actually £20,000)

He has already featured in this thread, he was going to be sold to Laura B but she wasted my time and didn't turn up! 







As you can see, he's a great allrounder.  He could even play for England, imagine how much he would be worth then!  

I am sure PF would recommend him, she always spoke highly of him! 

Click to expand...

Ah yes though he is grey and has hair I will put it down as a maybe... is he exactly 15.25464cm? Anything bigger or smaller is just no good.
Sorry I *did* make a typo about the price, my budget is £20...


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## dominobrown (29 March 2011)

horsey mad matt said:



			deaar PF

i have recently bought a 16.2 hh black mare, supposedly grand prix dressage horse for whom i payed £60k for. we have really expensive tack and school in double bridle and draw reins but having won any competitions. i'll show a pic of her and see what you think







do you think she was worth the money??


(p.s this isn't my horse i got it from google images, so don't tell me off for cruelty)
		
Click to expand...

As PF is currently here may I give some suggestions???
That horse is just pure fat, it needs to lose a tonne more weight to do well. Galloping it around on the roads should do the job 
The main area you are going wrong is the lack of bling and dead sheep. I would start with investing with a blingy deadsheep leather headcoller pronto.
On the plus she is black so naturally must be a dressage horse...


----------



## horsey mad matt (29 March 2011)

dominobrown said:



			As PF is currently here may I give some suggestions???
That horse is just pure fat, it needs to lose a tonne more weight to do well. Galloping it around on the roads should do the job 
The main area you are going wrong is the lack of bling and dead sheep. I would start with investing with a blingy deadsheep leather headcoller pronto.
On the plus she is black so naturally must be a dressage horse... 

Click to expand...

i know she is very fat but i just can't get it off, if you read my previous question post she is mentioned there for being over weight and what i am doing to loose some weight. as for the sheepskin. i have every type you could posibly get


----------



## Starbucks (29 March 2011)

PF please help me clear something up because I'm really confused!

Everyone keeps telling me that my horses are obese and that I need to get them slimmed off, but they are already cut down to a bare minimum (they only have 2 buckets of feed a day and 5 nets - they are quite big horses (compared to me!) and would be cruel to make them go hungry?). Anyway, a girl at the yard, who must be very clever because she already has an equine degree, has been reading a book and told my mum that apparently "exercise" is as important as feeding in reducing weight???  I don't really understand, Do you think it's true? if so, any idea if Fitness First or Banatines have an equine section anywhere in the Midlands? Or is this Parelli people speak of like Palates for horses?  Sounds similar.

Any advise gratefully received as have no idea how to go about "exercising" a horse!  This horse business is complicated!  I thought they were just there for petting and feeding polo's to.


----------



## camilla4 (30 March 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			You mean you didn't immediately book a full course of lessons with Carl Hester? *sigh* Well there you go!! If you'd had lessons with Carl you'd be at LEAST as good as he is by now. Well, all that's left for you to do is to get a big chestnut like Alf and to get lessons with Laura B. All matchy matchy accessories MUST be taupe.
		
Click to expand...

Oh, no -I didn't (blushes...).  Didn't think of doing that - I'll give Carl a call right now and book half a dozen lessons straight away. Hope he can fit me in soon as I really think I might have a shot at the 2012 team - Carl will no doubt be delighted to meet a fellow contender!

So - chestnut this time?  That sounds nice - lots of matchy matchy to choose from there but I will, of course, take your advice and start with the taupe.  Is Alf for sale, do you know?  I've been saving.......


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## PapaFrita (30 March 2011)

c2b said:



			I am surprised at you PF surely round the neck would be better?
		
Click to expand...

Yes, but only if you really reaaaally tighten it.


----------



## PapaFrita (30 March 2011)

Flicker said:



			Dear PF,

I have bought a new WOW saddle with my name in diamante at the back.  My stirrups are so long my toes only just reach them.  I ride in draw reins only and don't wear a riding hat.  I say things like 'he's moving off his hocks a bit'.  But I am still not winning any competitions.  What is wrong with my horse?
		
Click to expand...

Well, so far so good! I'm so relieved you don't wear a hat! Dressage riders never EVER fall off and sustain brain damage turning them into drooling vegetables. That Courtney King-Dye is just a rubbish rider and she only fractured her skull, after all.
Of course draw reins are the only way to ge a horse working properly from behind (she what I did there  ) but if your horses isn't black and at least 18hh then you don't stand a chance. It's scientifically proven that dressage judges always mark down any horse that doesn't fit this description.


----------



## Paddy Irish (30 March 2011)

Dear PF

would it be possible to get yourself a publisher and turn this thread into a handy sized book so that I could refer to certain points again,

As i only have a tiny brain , i can't seem to keep up with all your advice.

I know it would mean selling loads of copies and therefore only making a few million but it would save on having to stock up on DVD's 1-10 , bananasticks and lunge-lines for lefties..

I have already screwed a cup hook into my saddle so that i can hang it there and refer to it at any given time PLLLEEEEAAASSSEEEE..

thanks fat-ederry


----------



## camilla4 (30 March 2011)

paddy irish said:



			Dear PF

would it be possible to get yourself a publisher and turn this thread into a handy sized book so that I could refer to certain points again,

As i only have a tiny brain , i can't seem to keep up with all your advice.

I know it would mean selling loads of copies and therefore only making a few million but it would save on having to stock up on DVD's 1-10 , bananasticks and lunge-lines for lefties..

I have already screwed a cup hook into my saddle so that i can hang it there and refer to it at any given time PLLLEEEEAAASSSEEEE..

thanks fat-ederry
		
Click to expand...

Better still -make it an MP3 download so that we can listen to it whilst out hacking - block out the noise of all that nasty traffic!


----------



## FairyLights (30 March 2011)

yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss


----------



## eahotson (30 March 2011)

Dear PapaFrita  My friends say Iam cruel because I never turn my horse out.I just think he looks cute with his little head looking over his door and besides he might get dirty (shudders) in a field.I di leadhim out to graze for 10 minutes each week but only with a rug, neck piece,face mask, tendon boots and over reach boots on.What do you think?


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## Sparkles (30 March 2011)

eahotson said:



			Dear PapaFrita  My friends say Iam cruel because I never turn my horse out.I just think he looks cute with his little head looking over his door and besides he might get dirty (shudders) in a field.I di leadhim out to graze for 10 minutes each week but only with a rug, neck piece,face mask, tendon boots and over reach boots on.What do you think?
		
Click to expand...

I'm appalled. You've missed the vital....

Horse boots [Macs, Boas, or similar] to stop his shoes getting dirty!!!  Do you _know_ how much Jimmy Choos cost these days!


----------



## PapaFrita (30 March 2011)

JFTD said:



			I had a portable tv cradle fitted to the earpiece of my pony's bridle - now I can keep up with daytime tv whilst hacking round the roads!  But the drivers keep screeching up behind me - what more can I do to make them be more careful?  I already ride down the middle of the road so they can't miss me, and I don't wear any of that gaudy distracting yellow stuff so there's no excuse they mistook me for a christmas tree either   what else can I do??
		
Click to expand...

Sit your horse on their bonnet. That'll make 'em take notice! Fancy them interrupting Jeremy Kyle! Honestly, how rude!


----------



## PapaFrita (30 March 2011)

dominobrown said:



			PF, are you still there?? I have an important question for you. 
I am looking for a new horse but there seems be _no_ suitable horses for sale. I thought with the market like it was it would be easy to find one!
I only have a few simple requirements too....
It must be a flashy horse, so nothing hairy or cobby, but I hate TBs or anything related to a TB. It must be quiet enough for young children who have never ridden to ride, but I fancy doing quite a bit of competing so I am looking for something well schooled to GP level dressage and pops a 1.30m showjumps, and not a plod, but good in traffic.
Must be good to travel, shoe, clip, catch obvs.
It will live out so must be hardy but as I have said I don't want a native or hairy horse. I must be a weight carrier but not a heavy build. I don't want to feed it either so it must be a good doer.
I mustn't have a white hair on it as I don't like cleaning horses. 
I think these reasonable demands shoulkd be within my £200 budget 
Stupid people selling horses want SO much money! Any ideas??

(p.s I have seen an actual wanted _advert_ very similar to this) 

Click to expand...

Ah, yes, I've seen one that said SJer wanted, must never stop or knock down fences, jump 4ft courses. Will pay upto £1500 *rolls eyes*
Right, well, I don't think you're unreasonable in what you're looking for but you may have to ring up the seller of a horse you fancy and haggle them down. Everyone can be haggled down if you offer them a home for life. OR you can ask them if they will loan their horse; this is the same as you getting it for free. No seller can resist a 5* home so you must mention this all the time and be very very persistent


----------



## PapaFrita (30 March 2011)

Snoozinsusan said:



			I have just the one for you (I presume you made a typo and your budget is actually £20,000)

He has already featured in this thread, he was going to be sold to Laura B but she wasted my time and didn't turn up! 







As you can see, he's a great allrounder.  He could even play for England, imagine how much he would be worth then!  

I am sure PF would recommend him, she always spoke highly of him! 

Click to expand...

What a superstar; the spitting image of Totilas. Why have you dropped your price from £200,000???


----------



## a_e_d (31 March 2011)

Dear PF,

HELP - I think my horse is deaf - what should I do? 

I decided to deepen my bond with him with a spot of whispering but he isn't answering back. He is originally from Ireland, so I have tried English and Gaelic whispering but still no Mr Ed moment. I have been trying for weeks and fully expected full blown conversations about The Only Way is Essex by now. 

Would a hearing aid help? Can you get matchy matchy ones? 

Also, I know he is a boy, but I would like to get him vejazzled - do you have a DVD explaining the process?

Yours in desparation.


----------



## Lady La La (31 March 2011)

a_e_d said:



			Dear PF,

HELP - I think my horse is deaf - what should I do? 

I decided to deepen my bond with him with a spot of whispering but he isn't answering back. He is originally from Ireland, so I have tried English and Gaelic whispering but still no Mr Ed moment. I have been trying for weeks and fully expected full blown conversations about The Only Way is Essex by now. 

Would a hearing aid help? Can you get matchy matchy ones? 

Also, I know he is a boy, but I would like to get him vejazzled - do you have a DVD explaining the process?

Yours in desparation.
		
Click to expand...

never.laughed.so.hard.


----------



## Flicker (31 March 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			Well, so far so good! I'm so relieved you don't wear a hat! Dressage riders never EVER fall off and sustain brain damage turning them into drooling vegetables. That Courtney King-Dye is just a rubbish rider and she only fractured her skull, after all.
Of course draw reins are the only way to ge a horse working properly from behind (she what I did there  ) but if your horses isn't black and at least 18hh then you don't stand a chance. It's scientifically proven that dressage judges always mark down any horse that doesn't fit this description.
		
Click to expand...

PF, you are the business!  I KNEW there was a simple solution to my problems.  To that end, can you please recommend me a good black dye?  My horse is a kind of brown colour so I shouldn't need too much.
And some bleach to make his legs white?  Having done my research now, I see that lots of winning dressage horses have white legs.


----------



## camilla4 (31 March 2011)

Flicker said:



			PF, you are the business!  I KNEW there was a simple solution to my problems.  To that end, can you please recommend me a good black dye?  My horse is a kind of brown colour so I shouldn't need too much.
And some bleach to make his legs white?  Having done my research now, I see that lots of winning dressage horses have white legs.
		
Click to expand...

Okay Flicker - you need to read her advice very carefully - when I posted with a similar problem, PF very wisely pointed out that the reason I wasn't winning was because my horse wasn't black.  I subsequently went out and bought a shiny new black horsey which had done Grand Prix.  However, I never won anything on him and I think it was because PF forgot to tell me that he needed to be really, really big.  So as well as the black dye, look at the replies discussing platform shoes and stilts, just to be on the safe side


----------



## Hovis_and_SidsMum (31 March 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			Well, so far so good! I'm so relieved you don't wear a hat! Dressage riders never EVER fall off and sustain brain damage turning them into drooling vegetables. That Courtney King-Dye is just a rubbish rider and she only fractured her skull, after all.
Of course draw reins are the only way to ge a horse working properly from behind (she what I did there  ) but if your horses isn't black and at least 18hh then you don't stand a chance. It's scientifically proven that dressage judges always mark down any horse that doesn't fit this description.
		
Click to expand...

Dear PF
My horse is big and very black (when he's muddy).  I only ever ride him in draw reins but they do have to be made of chain metal so he doesn't break them.  Will his feathers and generous well muscled build cause me to be marked down by dressage judges?
When I rang him to offer my horse for the olympics Carl Hester did say he doesn't think heavy horses are natural dressage stars?  I am assuming he knows nothing and I should find another olympic star?  I was thinking of Jordon - what do you advise?


----------



## Flicker (31 March 2011)

camilla4 said:



			Okay Flicker - you need to read her advice very carefully - when I posted with a similar problem, PF very wisely pointed out that the reason I wasn't winning was because my horse wasn't black.  I subsequently went out and bought a shiny new black horsey which had done Grand Prix.  However, I never won anything on him and I think it was because PF forgot to tell me that he needed to be really, really big.  So as well as the black dye, look at the replies discussing platform shoes and stilts, just to be on the safe side 

Click to expand...

camilla4, what would I do without you and your attention to detail???  You have saved me from potential embarrassment (fancy turning up at dressage on a SMALL black horse...).
Naturally, I will now follow in great detail PF's advice to you about making horses taller.  I just hope we don't compete at the same competition - how on earth will the judges decide which of us to place first???

Hovis and Sid's Mum - will your big, black horse's feathers not be obscured by your white exercise bandages?
In addition to Jordan, you could always ask that girl what is a footballer's wife and what does dressage too - I'm sure she will have some excellent advice for you.  Her name eludes me just at the moment.


----------



## camilla4 (31 March 2011)

Flicker said:



			camilla4, what would I do without you and your attention to detail???  You have saved me from potential embarrassment (fancy turning up at dressage on a SMALL black horse...).
Naturally, I will now follow in great detail PF's advice to you about making horses taller.  I just hope we don't compete at the same competition - how on earth will the judges decide which of us to place first???

.
		
Click to expand...

I rather suspect that it will come down to amount of bling we each have.  I imagine this is also why horses have to be so much bigger to win - how else would they be able to manage to carry all that diamante?!!


----------



## Hovis_and_SidsMum (31 March 2011)

Flicker said:



			Hovis and Sid's Mum - will your big, black horse's feathers not be obscured by your white exercise bandages?
QUOTE]

Oh are they supposed to be white?  I have got him pink ones to match his new diamonte headband and pink numnah with "Destroyers do Dressage" across it in glittery silver letters?
Have you thought that your boring lack of taste is causing you the issues with not winning.
I was thinking the more diamonte he's wearing the more we might win?  Mainly due to blinding the judge with all the shimmer under the lights?
		
Click to expand...


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## Thistle (31 March 2011)

Hovis_and_SidsMum said:



			Dear PF
My horse is big and very black (when he's muddy).  I only ever ride him in draw reins but they do have to be made of chain metal so he doesn't break them.  Will his feathers and generous well muscled build cause me to be marked down by dressage judges?
When I rang him to offer my horse for the olympics Carl Hester did say he doesn't think heavy horses are natural dressage stars?  I am assuming he knows nothing and I should find another olympic star?  I was thinking of Jordon - what do you advise?
		
Click to expand...

If he's got feathers then he's a BIRD not a horse - doh!


----------



## PapaFrita (31 March 2011)

Starbucks said:



			PF please help me clear something up because I'm really confused!

Everyone keeps telling me that my horses are obese and that I need to get them slimmed off, but they are already cut down to a bare minimum (they only have 2 buckets of feed a day and 5 nets - they are quite big horses (compared to me!) and would be cruel to make them go hungry?). Anyway, a girl at the yard, who must be very clever because she already has an equine degree, has been reading a book and told my mum that apparently "exercise" is as important as feeding in reducing weight???  I don't really understand, Do you think it's true? if so, any idea if Fitness First or Banatines have an equine section anywhere in the Midlands? Or is this Parelli people speak of like Palates for horses?  Sounds similar.

Any advise gratefully received as have no idea how to go about "exercising" a horse!  This horse business is complicated!  I thought they were just there for petting and feeding polo's to. 

Click to expand...

Ah well, exercise is that thing people do between hauling their fat butts off the sofa in front of the TV and getting their next fat-packed snack from the kitchen. Some people even do something called _jogging_ others do something called _sports_, although I'm not sure quite what that entails. There are sports for horses as well!! Who knew? You'll have to google to find out what they are as I just chase horses round with a banana stick... although I think that sort of qualifies as 'exercise' as well...


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## PapaFrita (31 March 2011)

paddy irish said:



			Dear PF

would it be possible to get yourself a publisher and turn this thread into a handy sized book so that I could refer to certain points again,

As i only have a tiny brain , i can't seem to keep up with all your advice.

I know it would mean selling loads of copies and therefore only making a few million but it would save on having to stock up on DVD's 1-10 , bananasticks and lunge-lines for lefties..

I have already screwed a cup hook into my saddle so that i can hang it there and refer to it at any given time PLLLEEEEAAASSSEEEE..

thanks fat-ederry
		
Click to expand...

I'm getting published very shortly and will pass on details as soon as my book comes out. It will be very reasonably priced at £4500. You will still be required to procure the bananastick and Huggly Horsemanship patented left-handed lunge line in order to complete the exercises correctly!
I'm also hoping H&H will give me my own advice column...


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## PapaFrita (31 March 2011)

camilla4 said:



			Better still -make it an MP3 download so that we can listen to it whilst out hacking - block out the noise of all that nasty traffic!
		
Click to expand...

Yep, I like it. Doing it


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## Damnation (31 March 2011)

PF - I have never laughed at a thread so hard in my life.
And could I have some advice.
I have bought a 3 year old colt. I don't want to have him gelded because I bought him for a whole £215 therefore he must be of breeding quality, and its cruel to have their balls chopped off.
However he keeps trying to h*mp me.. HELP!


----------



## PapaFrita (31 March 2011)

eahotson said:



			Dear PapaFrita  My friends say Iam cruel because I never turn my horse out.I just think he looks cute with his little head looking over his door and besides he might get dirty (shudders) in a field.I di leadhim out to graze for 10 minutes each week but only with a rug, neck piece,face mask, tendon boots and over reach boots on.What do you think?
		
Click to expand...

As Binky has said; he is rather underprotected!  I have my own industrial-strength Huggly Horsemanship protective wrap which I call 'Huggle Wrap'. You put it all around your horse like a great big bandage. It will keep your horse uninjured and, more importantly CLEAN.


----------



## I_am_a_cucumber (31 March 2011)

I am very interested in the Huggle Wrap, but I need some more information before I order one.  

I assume it comes in pink?

Is it made out of bubble wrap or cotton wool?  Or do you do both, one for summer and one for winter?  What about a luxury model made out of cotton wool _and _bubble wrap?

Can you supply Huggle Wraps suitable for humans and/or dogs?


----------



## PapaFrita (31 March 2011)

a_e_d said:



			Dear PF,

HELP - I think my horse is deaf - what should I do? 

I decided to deepen my bond with him with a spot of whispering but he isn't answering back. He is originally from Ireland, so I have tried English and Gaelic whispering but still no Mr Ed moment. I have been trying for weeks and fully expected full blown conversations about The Only Way is Essex by now. 

Would a hearing aid help? Can you get matchy matchy ones? 

Also, I know he is a boy, but I would like to get him vejazzled - do you have a DVD explaining the process?

Yours in desparation.
		
Click to expand...

Have you tried an Irish, sorry Iron _accent_?? If ya don't spake iron, he won unnerstand, ya know. There's a certain vernacular one must use when addressing the Iron harse. You may refer to Iron Vocabulary here; http://www.inyourpocket.com/norther...ake-Norn-Iron-A-guide-to-local-phrases_70619f

As for vajazzling.... perhaps you mean dickazzling?  A man has to have his dignity.


----------



## a_e_d (1 April 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			Have you tried an Irish, sorry Iron _accent_?? If ya don't spake iron, he won unnerstand, ya know. There's a certain vernacular one must use when addressing the Iron harse. You may refer to Iron Vocabulary here; http://www.inyourpocket.com/norther...ake-Norn-Iron-A-guide-to-local-phrases_70619f

As for vajazzling.... perhaps you mean dickazzling?  A man has to have his dignity.
		
Click to expand...

OMLG PF it worked!! I tried "Bout Ye Big Lad lets go for a dander" He actually replied!! Granted he told me to stop faffing around called me an eejit. But at least I got a reply - that's progress surely?!

Re the vajazzle, please please excuse my ignorance over terminology - yes I meant dickazzle - can you help?


----------



## narkymare (1 April 2011)

Hi PF
 i love my horse but cba with all the poopicking and mucking out involved - far too much hard work -  i just wanna jump on and go!!!
Can i train him to relieve himself straight into a wheelbarrow????
I was thinking if you could tell me how to teach him this  I could leave one in his stable and one in his field  = i reckon id only have to tip them out once a week tops!!!!


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## PapaFrita (2 April 2011)

Hovis_and_SidsMum said:



			Dear PF
My horse is big and very black (when he's muddy).  I only ever ride him in draw reins but they do have to be made of chain metal so he doesn't break them.  Will his feathers and generous well muscled build cause me to be marked down by dressage judges?
When I rang him to offer my horse for the olympics Carl Hester did say he doesn't think heavy horses are natural dressage stars?  I am assuming he knows nothing and I should find another olympic star?  I was thinking of Jordon - what do you advise?
		
Click to expand...

Carl doesn't really know much about dressage I'm afraid and he lacks the 'flair' required to be TRULY successful. You must maximise your horse's star appeal. By 'star' I mean little glittery ones that should be sprinkled all over his coat and into his feathers. Feathers are coming into fashion. Just ask Jordan who absolutely _defines_ all that is glamorous about equestrianism..


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## PapaFrita (2 April 2011)

Damnation said:



			PF - I have never laughed at a thread so hard in my life.
And could I have some advice.
I have bought a 3 year old colt. I don't want to have him gelded because I bought him for a whole £215 therefore he must be of breeding quality, and its cruel to have their balls chopped off.
However he keeps trying to h*mp me.. HELP!
		
Click to expand...

Gelding is unnatural and cruel. It is natural for him to want to have sex, and he's trying to have his way with you because he hasn't got his own lady friend. Therefore you must procure a partner for him to breed with. Doesn't matter what she looks like because all foals are so adorable. It is natural for them to breed and you must keep all foals and not have those gelded either, or separated from the herd. It's the natural way you know!


----------



## PapaFrita (2 April 2011)

I_am_a_cucumber said:



I am very interested in the Huggle Wrap, but I need some more information before I order one.  

I assume it comes in pink?

Is it made out of bubble wrap or cotton wool?  Or do you do both, one for summer and one for winter?  What about a luxury model made out of cotton wool _and _bubble wrap?

Can you supply Huggle Wraps suitable for humans and/or dogs?

Click to expand...

Huggle wrap does indeed come in pink, but also baby blue, burberry, and paisley. It is similar to bubble wrap, but vastly superior as it comes in pretty colours and patterns. Of course it is a TINY bit more expensive at £1500 for 10m which is just about enough to protect one leg. The luxury model contains styrofoam 'beads' and is called stuggle wrap (also available for humans, dogs and cats)


----------



## reindeerlover (2 April 2011)

Dear PF,

My horse is very lame with a sore foot. He is the only fit horse that I have. Do you think that I can still take him to the sponsored ride tomorrow? It is only 10 miles with 50 jumps and I would love to get some nice pictures of him. I'm sure it won't help his foot but I doubt that it will make it worse.

Stupid in Buckinghamshire.


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## PapaFrita (2 April 2011)

a_e_d said:



			OMLG PF it worked!! I tried "Bout Ye Big Lad lets go for a dander" He actually replied!! Granted he told me to stop faffing around called me an eejit. But at least I got a reply - that's progress surely?!

Re the vajazzle, please please excuse my ignorance over terminology - yes I meant dickazzle - can you help?
		
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I'm so pleased you're getting results 
I do have a Dickazzle It Yourself kit available as an essential part of the Huggle range. It comes with diamante in various colours and a tube of superglue. Mind your fingers don't get stuck in inappropriate places!! £2500 plus p&p. All Dickazzling kits come in plain brown wrappers for maximum discretion...


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## D66 (2 April 2011)

My uncle stole my ponio when I went on a school trip to London i was reaaally  upset because i bought it with my pocket money after my mum died of cancer and my dad ran away wiv my social worker and it was worth a shed load of wonga because i taut it to jump and it won the horse of the year show first prize even tho i had to ride it from yorkshire and sleep in hedges to get there.  Anyway i want to kno is how do i get on the jeremy kyle show?  When i am grown up I am going to be an olympick.

T Rolls (aged 13)


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## PapaFrita (2 April 2011)

Digger66 said:



			My uncle stole my ponio when I went on a school trip to London i was reaaally  upset because i bought it with my pocket money after my mum died of cancer and my dad ran away wiv my social worker and it was worth a shed load of wonga because i taut it to jump and it won the horse of the year show first prize even tho i had to ride it from yorkshire and sleep in hedges to get there.  Anyway i want to kno is how do i get on the jeremy kyle show?  When i am grown up I am going to be an olympick.

T Rolls (aged 13)
		
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Oh dear  I've heard of this happening before. T'was in Lalashire, and a young child took her 50p pocket money to a sale and picked up a very poor foal with one eye  No one thought she could make anything of it as it only had 3 legs, but she took a correspondence course in barefoot trimming and International Showjumping and was soon jumping 5ft courses!! Her evil moustache-twirling uncle, despite owning several international showjumpers of his own, was jealous of her success and one day, when she was in the loo (please get your facts straight!) he twirled his moustache even more evilly than usual and sold the pony to a fellow international showjumper. The poor child was devastated, but despite her pony's excellent BS record was unable to trace him to his new owner. Fortunately, this story ends successfully as the girl got pregnant by her uncle who turned out to be her brother, her mother claimed the baby was hers and they all ended up on Jeremy Kyle and lived happily ever after.


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## Snoozinsusan (2 April 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			What a superstar; the spitting image of Totilas. Why have you dropped your price from £200,000???
		
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I've only dropped the price if he goes to a fantastic, perfect home where he will be pampered for the rest of his life.

However, for £199,995 anyone can have him!  And good riddance!


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## PapaFrita (2 April 2011)

Snoozinsusan said:



			I've only dropped the price if he goes to a fantastic, perfect home where he will be pampered for the rest of his life.

However, for £199,995 anyone can have him!  And good riddance! 

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Pfft, for that money, how can you be sure prospective buyers are _serious_. You can't be dealing with the bottom end of the market, ya know...


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## blitznbobs (3 April 2011)

Not really a problem, more a query...

How many uses are there for a disposable nappy?


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## michaelequine (3 April 2011)

i saw a couple of replys and im intitled to an opinion.

jumping in draw reins, if you want the horse to not be able to see the jump then go ahead, they need to be able to stretch over the jump.

breeding a 20 year old thats already had several foals, bless her evryone deserves a retierment, and birth at 20!

i think i have just realised this is a joke!


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## Dizzyblonde99 (4 April 2011)

Don't suppose you could answer one question for me XD

Dear pf

I used to ride a pony that had a flat back with no withers, we bought him a narrow saddle with high withers to try and mold his back into shape, only problem is he is so happy with it he keeps bucking out of excitment. I've been told giving him vodka will calm him down, is this true or would it be better to buy a new horse? O n how long would it take to bring my 24yr 11.1hh back into work? My Dad want to learn to ride!

Thanks db


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## PapaFrita (4 April 2011)

michaelequine said:



			i think i have just realised this is a joke!
		
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Yes. But sadly many of the posts (AND answers) are based on genuine queries


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## PapaFrita (4 April 2011)

blitznbobs said:



			Not really a problem, more a query...

How many uses are there for a disposable nappy?
		
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For horses?


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## blitznbobs (4 April 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			For horses?
		
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Indeed...


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## PapaFrita (4 April 2011)

blitznbobs said:



			Indeed...
		
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Ooh, goodness, where to start... poultices of course, but also as cheap knee boots, hock boots, you can wear one as an impromptu riding hat (won't give you a headache  ) or use it to hold the bits of brain that fall out when someone falls off when riding _without_ a hat...
I happen to have a book coming out soon entitled "What to do with disposable nappies when there isn't enough baby poo to fill it". A bargain at £3450


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## blitznbobs (4 April 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			Ooh, goodness, where to start... poultices of course, but also as cheap knee boots, hock boots, you can wear one as an impromptu riding hat (won't give you a headache  ) or use it to hold the bits of brain that fall out when someone falls off when riding _without_ a hat...
I happen to have a book coming out soon entitled "What to do with disposable nappies when there isn't enough baby poo to fill it". A bargain at £3450
		
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Is that a Palarri technique or sommit?


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## PapaFrita (4 April 2011)

blitznbobs said:



			Is that a Palarri technique or sommit?
		
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Wash your mouth out!! It's my patented Huggly Horsemanship. Innit


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## PapaFrita (4 April 2011)

Dizzyblonde99 said:



			Don't suppose you could answer one question for me XD

Dear pf

I used to ride a pony that had a flat back with no withers, we bought him a narrow saddle with high withers to try and mold his back into shape, only problem is he is so happy with it he keeps bucking out of excitment. I've been told giving him vodka will calm him down, is this true or would it be better to buy a new horse? O n how long would it take to bring my 24yr 11.1hh back into work? My Dad want to learn to ride!

Thanks db
		
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Dear Dizzy
All this saddle-must-fit-the-horse business is nonsense. Any saddle can fit any horse if you put some fluffy sheepskin under it, and if the horse goes badly then it's down to the rider. The fact that your horse is so happy and bucking in his saddle is proof of this and you should have no need for vodka. BUT, if you don't fancy a bucking horse then certainly get rid of him. Someone else can deal with it. Don't mention it in the ad at all though; all ads must contain the words 'bombproof', 'safe' and 'suitable for novice riders'.
Your 24 yo should be fit from grazing, so you can have him in hard work in about 15 minutes. How nice for your dad to want to share your hobby  You must be sure that he's not too heavy for your pony; as long as he weighs LESS or the same as the pony, he'll be fine.
Feel the huggliness


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## tallyho! (4 April 2011)

There I was spending all daddy's money on £30,000 saddles from Austrinorwichbergenheimer made by awfully moody frech people when any old saddle will fit!!!

Blast! I'm such a silly girl!

I shall sell it on freebay and write a letter to granny and ask her to send me Prancer's old wooden one.

You are such a genius papafrita and I'm on Video No.3 so far... wonderful material. You should have your own channel! Shall I speak to daddy about it for you?

Lots of Love,

Taloolahbelle x


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## Dizzyblonde99 (5 April 2011)

Thank you so much for your help! Advertised the pony as "ideal first pony, very well behaved never bucks or rears, for sale through no fault of his own. £6000"Going to paint some spots on him and pretend he's coloured so I can fetch another thousand for him! Dad only ways a tiny bit more than the pony but I think it'll be ok going to feed the pony up so he weighs more. Thanks again!


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## TJP (8 April 2011)

Desperately need advice. I have a colt who has just had his 1st birthday, he is about 15hh - I think he will make about 11.2hh when he finishes growing because his daddy is a thoroughbred and his mummy is RID (this does concern me as whoever owned her must have wanted RID of her and I don't know why  )  I have never handled him but he does love me. He gives me lots of love bites and tries to hug me with his front legs if I get too close to him when this doesn't work he swings round and tries to hug me with his back legs. He obviously adores me so much and he looks sooooo cute with his ears pinned back. When he is hungry he sometimes gallops towards me with his mouth wide open and I can see all his teeth. He is soooo cute  my son is now 5 and I plan for them to do the olympics together. My son doesn't ride yet but I wondered have I left it too late to plonk my darling child on top so they can be ready for 2012. Should I have put him up last year?  Am i going to have to wait until 2016  I thought they could do the sj and the eventing. I don't have a shiny diamond thing that goes above their eyes under their fringe so don't think we can do the dressage    Also I have tried to lasso him but can't get him - he is soooo fun and loves playing chasies with me. Sometimes I chase and sometimes he does. Anyways pleassseeee helppppp me. 
Thanks from very experienced with young horses


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## lazybee (9 April 2011)

Dear PF,

My horse has just been PTS, however I've changed my mind. As I think medicine and science is a load of rubbish. Do you think a combination of arnica, Aloe vera, tea tree oil and homeopathic water will make him better? Reading through other posts here the aforementioned seem to cure everything else. Or would you recommend a different approach, possibly a herbal supplement or some sort or reiki perhaps?   

PS what he best natural remedy for Rigamortis?


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## JFTDWS (9 April 2011)

lazybee said:



			Dear PF,

My horse has just been PTS, however I've changed my mind. As I think medicine and science is a load of rubbish. Do you think a combination of arnica, Aloe vera, tea tree oil and homeopathic water will make him better? Reading through other posts here the aforementioned seem to cure everything else. Or would you recommend a different approach, possibly a herbal supplement or some sort or reiki perhaps?   

PS what he best natural remedy for Rigamortis?
		
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YES YES YES   hilarious xD


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## Molly'sMama (9 April 2011)

Hi Papafrita! 
I have 2 liitttle questions . 
1.I want to go hunting with my 14hh pony but she gets so excited she runs off reallyreally fast.I heard that if you go right to the front ,in front of everybody , and people shout -shes overtaken the master!!- then your doing really well and that she should calm down. But if she gets really tired , then I should just smack her on, coz its her fault for going to fast at the beginning. 

2. I also want to do dressage ( it should be fine in the same day right?) but loads of people have these bandages on their horses? I dont know what they do so I have tried cutting her legs so the vet has to bandage them ..Will this help? I will also sellotape her head to her chest to get "rolkur - the easy way" .Maybe i saw it on one of your dvds? XX

(NOTE - I did once meet a woman , who was a good local dressage competitior and asked her whilst she was doing the bandages why she used them .She said she didnt know, but everyone else had them .She had already been using them for about 5 years? !! )


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## Wildforestpony18 (10 April 2011)

Hi I have a really big problem , everytime I try and do my horses girth up my horse tryes to eat me , do I just not use a girth?I thought if I didn't use one it might save me time aswell. thanks


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## Toffee44 (10 April 2011)

Hi 

I have a pony called toffee she has arthritis but I really miss jumping if I just bute her up could I go on a sponsored ride and do lots of jumping again? 

Thanks.  I really miss jumping. X x


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## Toffee44 (10 April 2011)

Actually after thinking about it I have decided that keeping her even captive is cruel so have decided  to set her free. How do I go about it? She will need to learn to cross the road and take her sweet itch rug on and off. Do you think every  one all over the equestrian world will see the error of their ways.


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## millreef (10 April 2011)

Hello Pippafritta
I'm over 40, a returnee to horse riding and would like to enter my stage 2 exam next month...... Oh!, Hang on - wrong thread... this is actually true - ehm.. sorry!


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## PapaFrita (17 April 2011)

TJP said:



			Desperately need advice. I have a colt who has just had his 1st birthday, he is about 15hh - I think he will make about 11.2hh when he finishes growing because his daddy is a thoroughbred and his mummy is RID (this does concern me as whoever owned her must have wanted RID of her and I don't know why  )  I have never handled him but he does love me. He gives me lots of love bites and tries to hug me with his front legs if I get too close to him when this doesn't work he swings round and tries to hug me with his back legs. He obviously adores me so much and he looks sooooo cute with his ears pinned back. When he is hungry he sometimes gallops towards me with his mouth wide open and I can see all his teeth. He is soooo cute  my son is now 5 and I plan for them to do the olympics together. My son doesn't ride yet but I wondered have I left it too late to plonk my darling child on top so they can be ready for 2012. Should I have put him up last year?  Am i going to have to wait until 2016  I thought they could do the sj and the eventing. I don't have a shiny diamond thing that goes above their eyes under their fringe so don't think we can do the dressage    Also I have tried to lasso him but can't get him - he is soooo fun and loves playing chasies with me. Sometimes I chase and sometimes he does. Anyways pleassseeee helppppp me. 
Thanks from very experienced with young horses
		
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Well done on establishing such a close relationship with your horse. He clearly sees you as his best friend. It's not too late for you to get your son to do dressage at the 2012 olympics, but the sparkly (that thing that goes over their eyes) browband is essential and all your bandages (yes, you will need these- and so will your horse  ) and saddle pads MUST match. You don't need to buy a hat for your son; no serious dressage rider wears a hat. Do all of these things and everyone will take you seriously.


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## PapaFrita (17 April 2011)

lazybee said:



			Dear PF,

My horse has just been PTS, however I've changed my mind. As I think medicine and science is a load of rubbish. Do you think a combination of arnica, Aloe vera, tea tree oil and homeopathic water will make him better? Reading through other posts here the aforementioned seem to cure everything else. Or would you recommend a different approach, possibly a herbal supplement or some sort or reiki perhaps?   

PS what he best natural remedy for Rigamortis?
		
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Ah, well, I'm not going to lie to you; Death is quite serious and not all deaths have a positive prognosis  Your best bet is probably embalming. Your horse WILL be quieter than usual and hacks might seem a bit sedate, but he will be cheaper to feed and won't need mucking out 
Result!!


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## camilla4 (17 April 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			Ah, well, I'm not going to lie to you; Death is quite serious and not all deaths have a positive prognosis  Your best bet is probably embalming. Your horse WILL be quieter than usual and hacks might seem a bit sedate, but he will be cheaper to feed and won't need mucking out 
Result!! 

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Bad PapaFrita - you forgot to tell her to get her saddle refitted as horsey will almost certainly have lost weight!!


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## Thistle (17 April 2011)

Dear PapaFrita

We have a lovely horse and want to do dressage with him. However I don't have matching pads and bandages, would it be ok to wash the boring white ones with some jeans to get a blue colour or do they have to be special Anky ones. Also I like wearing hats, is it really better to train without one, it's what all the best dressage riders do.
Also the horse can do all sorts of fancy sideways dance moves. Would he be better on strictly come dancing, then I can really dress up all matchy matchy?


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## PapaFrita (17 April 2011)

Molly'sMama said:






			Hi Papafrita! 
I have 2 liitttle questions . 
1.I want to go hunting with my 14hh pony but she gets so excited she runs off really really fast.I heard that if you go right to the front ,in front of everybody , and people shout -shes overtaken the master!!- then your doing really well and that she should calm down. But if she gets really tired , then I should just smack her on, coz its her fault for going to fast at the beginning.
		
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Yes, the correct protocol is that you must go to the front and stay there at all costs, even if your horse is really tired (probably just _pretending_ in any case) and smacking is a perfectly acceptable way to get her to keep going




			2. I also want to do dressage ( it should be fine in the same day right?) but loads of people have these bandages on their horses? I dont know what they do so I have tried cutting her legs so the vet has to bandage them ..Will this help? I will also sellotape her head to her chest to get "rolkur - the easy way" .Maybe i saw it on one of your dvds? XX

(NOTE - I did once meet a woman , who was a good local dressage competitior and asked her whilst she was doing the bandages why she used them .She said she didnt know, but everyone else had them .She had already been using them for about 5 years? !! )
		
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*tut tut* not necessary to cut your horse to put bandages on her; they are there so you can _match_ other things to them; Saddle pad, funky headband/earwarmers that you can use instead of a hat (proper dressage riders don't wear hats) Your rollkur device should also match them although I don't really advocate 'gadgets' as they're not _natural_

Click to expand...


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## PapaFrita (17 April 2011)

horselover360 said:



			Hi I have a really big problem , everytime I try and do my horses girth up my horse tryes to eat me , do I just not use a girth?I thought if I didn't use one it might save me time aswell. thanks
		
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It is possible to ride without a girth, after all, these are not natural. However, it would be easier to nip the nipping in the bud (see what I did there?) and you will achieve this by feeding lots of treats. If your horse is too busy stuffing his face with carrots, he won't have time nor the inclination to bite YOU. Good luck


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## Kokopelli (17 April 2011)

Dear PF

Your signature is stunning. That is all.


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## PapaFrita (17 April 2011)

Toffee44 said:



			Hi 

I have a pony called toffee she has arthritis but I really miss jumping if I just bute her up could I go on a sponsored ride and do lots of jumping again? 

Thanks.  I really miss jumping. X x
		
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Certainly bute her up. I'm sure she loves jumping and it would be cruel not to allow her to do what she likes, even if in the long run she becomes crippled by her arthritis and has to be put down. It's the same principle as letting children play in the road or with poison ivy; they want to do it, let 'em get on with it...


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## PapaFrita (17 April 2011)

Toffee44 said:



			Actually after thinking about it I have decided that keeping her even captive is cruel so have decided  to set her free. How do I go about it? She will need to learn to cross the road and take her sweet itch rug on and off. Do you think every  one all over the equestrian world will see the error of their ways.
		
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She will also have to learn to phone the vet for her vaccinations and to get wormer, and a barefoot trimmer to sort out her feet. You will have to start teaching her immediately. With a bit of luck the whole world will see your good work and do the same for their horses...


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## PapaFrita (17 April 2011)

camilla4 said:



			Bad PapaFrita - you forgot to tell her to get her saddle refitted as horsey will almost certainly have lost weight!!
		
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Not necessary; any saddle will fit any horse


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## PapaFrita (17 April 2011)

Thistle said:



			Dear PapaFrita

We have a lovely horse and want to do dressage with him. However I don't have matching pads and bandages, would it be ok to wash the boring white ones with some jeans to get a blue colour or do they have to be special Anky ones. Also I like wearing hats, is it really better to train without one, it's what all the best dressage riders do.
Also the horse can do all sorts of fancy sideways dance moves. Would he be better on strictly come dancing, then I can really dress up all matchy matchy?
		
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Oh dear, I'm not sure I see the way forward as not matching means you will be unable to get your horse to work correctly, and it's no good just getting the same colour, they have to be designer brands. As for wearing a hat... well, everyone knows that if you're a proper rider you don't need a hat and it's not really important anyway as, unlike colour coordinating all your gear, it doesn't affect your horse's way of going...
I understand you must be very demoralised, but once you've got all your gear, you will be qualified to judge dressage as well as ride it, and everyone will be obliged to listen to your opinion when you give, whether they want to or not.
Oh, and you should give your horse the nickname of a mythological creature. Perhaps a centaur to emphasise the one-ness of horse and rider??
Good luck!


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## PapaFrita (17 April 2011)

Kokopelli said:



			Dear PF

Your signature is stunning. That is all. 

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Thank you


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## Prince33Sp4rkle (17 April 2011)

bloody hell papafrita-jealous much?!

we all know who your reply is actually about and its verging on bullying as well as a bit sad, so you disagree, many people do without turning it to a rather bizarre,almost stalkerish crusade.

i work my ass off (2 jobs), and im entitled to spend all my money on anky/pikeur/eskadron if i want to.the only problem you can possibly have with that is jealousy.i have never (and neither has a certain other person) said it improves the horses way of going, or in any way implies that-my horses would still do well if they were kitted out in budget kit because rather bizarrely i do put as much effort in to training as preening them!iv got enough money to do both, so shoot me.

you are a quite unpleasant person.


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## PapaFrita (17 April 2011)

Prince33Sp4rkle said:



			bloody hell papafrita-jealous much?!

we all know who your reply is actually about and its verging on bullying as well as a bit sad, so you disagree, many people do without turning it to a rather bizarre,almost stalkerish crusade.

i work my ass off (2 jobs), and im entitled to spend all my money on anky/pikeur/eskadron if i want to.the only problem you can possibly have with that is jealousy.i have never (and neither has a certain other person) said it improves the horses way of going, or in any way implies that-my horses would still do well if they were kitted out in budget kit because rather bizarrely i do put as much effort in to training as preening them!iv got enough money to do both, so shoot me.

you are a quite unpleasant person.
		
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Oh dear, oversensitive much?? Why on earth do you feel you have to justify yourself?
Yes, my life is _terribly_ unfulfilled because I don't have a load of designer gear.... 
I've poked fun at people for 73 pages and no one has yet accused me of having a 'stalkerish crusade'. This based on what... one post??


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## nikkimariet (17 April 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			Oh dear, oversensitive much?? Why on earth do you feel you have to justify yourself?
Yes, my life is _terribly_ unfulfilled because I don't have a load of designer gear.... 
I've poked fun at people for 73 pages and no one has yet accused me of having a 'stalkerish crusade'. This based on what... one post??
		
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You aimed it at me. You know it, I know it, a hell of a lot of other people have mentioned to me that they know it; so don't pretend. You've made some horrific comments on HHO, ones that you can't cover up and there for everyone to see; so stop lying and own up to what a vile character you have the tendency to be.

You are clearly a grown up so have the decency to act like one.

And don't worry, I won't contact you again because hopefully you won't be on here much longer.


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## PapaFrita (17 April 2011)

nikkimariet said:



			You aimed it at me. You know it, I know it, a hell of a lot of other people have mentioned to me that they know it; so don't pretend. You've made some horrific comments on HHO, ones that you can't cover up and there for everyone to see; so stop lying and own up to what a vile character you have the tendency to be.

I have reported you, and the reply I got back makes it clear I'm not the only one you've purposely upset recently and have also reported you. You are clearly a grown up so have the decency to act like one.

And don't worry, I won't contact you again because hopefully you won't be on here much longer.
		
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I have never EVER PMed anyone to express outrage or offence. All my criticisms/opinions are made publically on the forum and I NEVER hide or cover up. Which exactly are the 'horrific' comments? Believe me, I could say a few things that would REALLY upset you if I'd had that intention.
I have no idea who you think I've purposely upset recently or who has reported me. This entire thread has been in jest and you are the ONLY person who has PMed me about it and you and PS are the only ones who have taken it personally.
Why aren't you offended or outraged for all the other people I've poked fun at?

Good luck with getting me banned. Don't forget to pick up all your toys and put them away when I'm gone


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## rainbow84uk (17 April 2011)

Coming out of long-term lurkdom just to say that I've enjoyed every single word of this thread...up to the last couple of frankly bizarre posts. PapaFrita, you are amazing!!


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## PapaFrita (17 April 2011)

rainbow84uk said:



			Coming out of long-term lurkdom just to say that I've enjoyed every single word of this thread...up to the last couple of frankly bizarre posts. PapaFrita, you are amazing!!
		
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Why thank you. I shall be sad to leave, but hey ho, there's always Facebook


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## Cinnamontoast (17 April 2011)

I don't understand what happened with the two unhappy posters who have frankly wrecked the funniest thread for ages. Why they have chosen to pick up on a light hearted post about needing to have matching kit is beyond me . It's a pointless thing to do and I fail to see why they'd want to try to ruin a thread that has brought a whole load of fun to HHO. There are no names, no pack drill. Slighty paranoid?


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## Vicki_Krystal (17 April 2011)

cinammontoast said:



			I don't understand what happened with the two unhappy posters who have frankly wrecked the funniest thread for ages. Why they have chosen to pick up on a light hearted post about needing to have matching kit is beyond me . It's a pointless thing to do and I fail to see why they'd want to try to ruin a thread that has brought a whole load of fun to HHO. There are no names, no pack drill. Slighty paranoid?
		
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Clearly we dont see the importance of matchy matchy, bling bling things.
I for one, feel that i am clearly missing out!


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## SuperCoblet (17 April 2011)

Dear PF,
I posted a while back and i love your advice  so I've come back for more!
Anyway, if your horse gallops off with you would it be best to run it into barbed wire or throw yourself off and grab the reins and pull from the ground?
Also, I think my horse is a bit old now, I think I heard someone say you can tell their age by how many teeth they have, and my horse has 44 teeth, which is old, right? So if I take his teeth out he'll get younger again?

Many thanks, dumbass


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## Puppy (17 April 2011)

nikkimariet said:



			You aimed it at me. You know it, I know it, a hell of a lot of other people have mentioned to me that they know it; so don't pretend. You've made some horrific comments on HHO, ones that you can't cover up and there for everyone to see; so stop lying and own up to what a vile character you have the tendency to be.

I have reported you, and the reply I got back makes it clear I'm not the only one you've purposely upset recently and have also reported you. You are clearly a grown up so have the decency to act like one.

And don't worry, I won't contact you again because hopefully you won't be on here much longer.
		
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No, no, it's all about me I tell you! All about me!!


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## PapaFrita (17 April 2011)

cinammontoast said:



			I don't understand what happened with the two unhappy posters who have frankly wrecked the funniest thread for ages. Why they have chosen to pick up on a light hearted post about needing to have matching kit is beyond me . It's a pointless thing to do and I fail to see why they'd want to try to ruin a thread that has brought a whole load of fun to HHO. There are no names, no pack drill. Slighty paranoid?
		
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*shrugs* Some people, eh?


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## PapaFrita (18 April 2011)

Vicki_Krystal said:



			Clearly we dont see the importance of matchy matchy, bling bling things
I for one, feel that i am clearly missing out!
		
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It is _terribly_ important to match and cannot be overstated!! Not matching means that you are a) terribly unfulfilled and your life is lacking in some way and/or b) that you are very very jealous of those who DO colour coordinate.
I am both  but at least I have a sense of humour. Feel the huggles!!


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## dominobrown (18 April 2011)

How weird.... nearly as weird as the whole thread... not quite though.


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## PapaFrita (18 April 2011)

GypsyTheCob said:



			Dear PF,
I posted a while back and i love your advice  so I've come back for more!
Anyway, if your horse gallops off with you would it be best to run it into barbed wire or throw yourself off and grab the reins and pull from the ground?
Also, I think my horse is a bit old now, I think I heard someone say you can tell their age by how many teeth they have, and my horse has 44 teeth, which is old, right? So if I take his teeth out he'll get younger again?

Many thanks, dumbass 

Click to expand...

Definitely throw yourself off and stop it from the ground. If you land in front of your horse he will definitely stop. OK, so he might step on you a bit, but most horses don't like stepping on anything squishy and will pull themselves up.
Yes, 44 teeth means he's 44 years old. Foals are born 2-4 years old  Leave a couple of his teeth in so he doesn't become a foetus.


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## PapaFrita (18 April 2011)

Puppy said:



			No, no, it's all about me I tell you! All about me!!   

Click to expand...

But it's MYYYY thread *sulk*


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## YorksG (18 April 2011)

Surely PS and NM are taking the proverbial? If not then I have seriouse concerns about their mental health  Narcistic personality disorder anyone?


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## penhwnllys_stardust (18 April 2011)

This thread is great, keep up the good work PF, loads of great advice on here!


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## Fellewell (18 April 2011)

Oh, but enough about me - let's talk about you. What do you think about me!

PF, I bought a New Forest pony but he refuses to eat anything except crisps and cucumber sandwiches. As we get into summer he keeps escaping and gatecrashing garden parties for the petit fours. I'm really worried about the upcoming street parties planned for THAT wedding. He just can't help himself when the flasks come out.
Should I take him back to the Forest and let him go free like Hidalgo? (why did they leave his shoes on BTW?)


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## Bedlam (18 April 2011)

I'm a bit confused to be honest. I've been following all your advice for a while now and have seen signicant improvement in both my bank balance and my quality of life away from the horses. 

I have so much more time now I don't need to worry about all those annoying extras like tack cleaning - if my horse is clean then how can his tack get dirty? And also horse cleaning - if his tack is clean then how can the horse get dirty?

It seems that some users have not appreciated your well considered advice just recently. I cannnot for the life of me think why any sane person would not welcome your pertinent input into their current dilemma - equine or otherwise.

It will be a sad day if this font of knowledge is ever capped.


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## lazybee (18 April 2011)

YorksG said:



			Surely PS and NM are taking the proverbial? If not then I have seriouse concerns about their mental health  Narcistic personality disorder anyone? 

Click to expand...

Does anyone know if it's possible to have a sense of humour transplant on the NHS or would it have to be done privately? Even if one has plenty of money.


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## Snowysadude (18 April 2011)

YorksG said:



			Surely PS and NM are taking the proverbial? If not then I have seriouse concerns about their mental health  Narcistic personality disorder anyone? 

Click to expand...

There is a bit more to it, Im not getting involved but its on a thread in comp riders !


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## eahotson (18 April 2011)

What is going on???? This is a brilliant and very funny thread. PLEASE don't leave PapaFrita.Where would we all be without your advice?


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## henryhorn (18 April 2011)

Haven't got time to read any more but, believe it or not these sound remarkably like a lot of the posts you read from time to time on here. 
I think this thread could run and run! (til it gets pulled)
pssssst There was a pic this week of HH website editor, if she's the FC she's not what I expected!!!


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## Ranyhyn (18 April 2011)

Surely it must be Carol?  I was sure TFC was a man!!!!!!!


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## Fellewell (18 April 2011)

Snowysadude said:



			There is a bit more to it, Im not getting involved but its on a thread in comp riders !
		
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Comp riders eh? Never been in there, will I need a hat? I don't usually wear one because it hides my gorgeousness


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## Wildforestpony18 (18 April 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			It is possible to ride without a girth, after all, these are not natural. However, it would be easier to nip the nipping in the bud (see what I did there?) and you will achieve this by feeding lots of treats. If your horse is too busy stuffing his face with carrots, he won't have time nor the inclination to bite YOU. Good luck 

Click to expand...

Thanks for the advice , I will try it


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## Flame_ (18 April 2011)

Fellewell said:



			Comp riders eh? Never been in there, will I need a hat? I don't usually wear one because it hides my gorgeousness

Click to expand...

     Good one!


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## Flicker (18 April 2011)

nikkimariet said:



			You aimed it at me. You know it, I know it, a hell of a lot of other people have mentioned to me that they know it; so don't pretend. You've made some horrific comments on HHO, ones that you can't cover up and there for everyone to see; so stop lying and own up to what a vile character you have the tendency to be.

I have reported you, and the reply I got back makes it clear I'm not the only one you've purposely upset recently and have also reported you. You are clearly a grown up so have the decency to act like one.

And don't worry, I won't contact you again because hopefully you won't be on here much longer.
		
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			bloody hell papafrita-jealous much?!

we all know who your reply is actually about and its verging on bullying as well as a bit sad, so you disagree, many people do without turning it to a rather bizarre,almost stalkerish crusade.

i work my ass off (2 jobs), and im entitled to spend all my money on anky/pikeur/eskadron if i want to.the only problem you can possibly have with that is jealousy.i have never (and neither has a certain other person) said it improves the horses way of going, or in any way implies that-my horses would still do well if they were kitted out in budget kit because rather bizarrely i do put as much effort in to training as preening them!iv got enough money to do both, so shoot me.

you are a quite unpleasant person.
		
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Bwah ha ha ha ha!!!

At first I thought these were a p/s take too.  Then I realised they were serious!

WTF!!!

PF, you are a legend


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## Amaranta (18 April 2011)

Dear PF

I have an ex pit pony who I am aiming at the dressage world, we have gone from prelim to elementary in six months and are aiming to be AM by September - my question is, should I go all matchy matchy?  I have heard that it does and can improve your horses way of going, what are your thoughts?

Yours

mini dressage diva


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## eahotson (18 April 2011)

OF COURSE you have to go matchy matchy.How can you possibly improve orimpress the judge if you don't.


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## brighteyes (18 April 2011)

Vicki_Krystal said:



			Clearly we dont see the importance of matchy matchy, bling bling things.
I for one, feel that i am clearly missing out!
		
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Yes, but you have erroneously wandered into the wrong discipline.  You need to start one for yourself regarding the importance of bizarre piping on one's boots, the ABSOLUTE NECESSITY for a Navaho blanket (for schooling) under one's Italian made saddle (if you paid under £2500 you were, I'm afraid, totally ripped off) and to have your hair AT LEAST two feet long and worn in a pony tail during competition.

That's YOUR discipline and you really do need help with it from what I have seen on the *OAHHO (FB  )


*Other Alternative HHO


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## brighteyes (18 April 2011)

PF - I see you absolutely know what you are talking about, and across the disciplines, too (very clever) ...







... but these colours are soooo 'at least two years ago'


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## Amaranta (18 April 2011)

eahotson said:



			OF COURSE you have to go matchy matchy.How can you possibly improve orimpress the judge if you don't.
		
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*sighs* Oh well, what colour should I use?  The horse is  white with brown and black spots - oh and one brown leg.  Does it have to be an Anky pad?  As he is only 12.2 he looks like he is wearing a tablecloth, do they shrink if you boil wash them?


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## Flicker (18 April 2011)

Sorry, can I change the subject and ask a show jumping question?

Does sheepskin and knitted fly ears make your horse jump bigger?  I was watching some SJ yesterday and saw a lot on display.  So just wondering.


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## caterpillar (18 April 2011)

This thread has made me giggle, LOTS 

On a side note it looks like someone has earned themselves a holiday


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## FairyCakes (18 April 2011)

Dear PapaFrita,
How do I make my name that darker colour?
I think it looks far better..


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## Puppy (18 April 2011)

FairyCakes said:



			Dear PapaFrita,
How do I make my name that darker colour?
I think it looks far better..
		
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I think you P off TFC!! Like so:




			Last edited by TheFatControlleR; Today at 11:14 AM. Reason: Removal of comment damaging to the integrity and reputation of the administration of the forum.
		
Click to expand...


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## MrsMozart (18 April 2011)

Puppy said:



			No, no, it's all about me I tell you! All about me!!   

Click to expand...

No! 'Tis me I tell you! 'Tis I!!

Well, m'underwear matches....


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## quirky (18 April 2011)

caterpillar said:



			On a side note it looks like someone has earned themselves a holiday 

Click to expand...

Loving the irony after she assumed she'd have had PF banned .


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## arizonahoney (18 April 2011)

MrsMozart said:



			Well, m'underwear matches....

Click to expand...

That is seriously impressive, can I come and be your acolyte and live in your garden shed? 

One time I wore entirely the wrong pants for a dressage test and the chafe was terrible to speak of. I placed 6th, but I'm sure I could have placed 4th if there hadn't been so much agonised wriggling on my part


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## Mrs B (18 April 2011)

arizonahoney said:



			That is seriously impressive, can I come and be your acolyte and live in your garden shed? 

One time I rode entirely the wrong pants for a dressage test and the chafe was terrible to speak of. I placed 6th, but I'm sure I could have placed 4th if there hadn't been so much agonised wriggling on my part 

Click to expand...

You mean your pants weren't dressage legal?
I thought they checked just before you're called in...


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## arizonahoney (18 April 2011)

Mrs B said:



			You mean your pants weren't dressage legal?
I thought they checked just before you're called in...
		
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Anti-VPL pants to not show under fancy German breeches - big mistake. My dear friends, always compete in the pants you train in. 

NB: but wash them between wears!


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## Lady La La (18 April 2011)

Mrs B said:



			You mean your pants weren't dressage legal?
I thought they checked just before you're called in...
		
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Thats what happens in my neck of the woods...

I thought it was normal?

Dont tell me I'm a member of a pervy riding club??


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## brucea (18 April 2011)

brighteyes said:



			PF - I see you absolutely know what you are talking about, and across the disciplines, too (very clever) ...







... but these colours are soooo 'at least two years ago'   

Click to expand...

Gosh....that's so tasteful! Do you have matching High-Vis?


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## Amaranta (18 April 2011)

brighteyes said:



			PF - I see you absolutely know what you are talking about, and across the disciplines, too (very clever) ...







... but these colours are soooo 'at least two years ago'   

Click to expand...


That picture has made my eyes bleed


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## angel01 (18 April 2011)

Hi 

I have a 16.1hh TB gelding ex racer who is in a mixed herd 30 in al.

my problem is that he is acting like a rig very stallion like, i have had him on rig calm for four weeks now and he is still having the urge to be with the mares. l have been giving him 2 x scoops of the stuff twice a day in each feed i am now going to give the maximum of 3 scoops hoping this will stop him mounting each mare in season.

My question is what would you advise if he does not stop mounting after he has been on 3 scoops of rig calm say after another 2 weeks, what would be your reccommendations for me to do ??

Thankyou


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## Cinnamontoast (18 April 2011)

Vicki_Krystal said:



			Clearly we dont see the importance of matchy matchy, bling bling things.
I for one, feel that i am clearly missing out!
		
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I really do too. I got my horse all purple stuff and told the groom I was getting a purple bridle, a which point she told me she would not ride him anymore because, and I quote: 'I ain't 12 no more'.



PapaFrita said:



			It is _terribly_ important to match and cannot be overstated!! Not matching means that you are a) terribly unfulfilled and your life is lacking in some way and/or b) that you are very very jealous of those who DO colour coordinate.
I am both  but at least I have a sense of humour. Feel the huggles!!
		
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Bring back huggles! Bring back huggles! This is my point: all purple surely means I am fulfilled, although I have yet to source a purple saddle.


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## chels (18 April 2011)

Just read all 79 pages, never laughed so hard in my life!
PF please advise the cost of getting the bananastick and halter and lead to NZ? Oh and the full set of DVDs, which will be the wrong region to play in my machine, so you better chuck in a UK DVD player I suppose.
PF where are you??!!


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## MrsMozart (18 April 2011)

Matchy matchy a step too far PF...?







Please advise by close of play today, otherwise I will take it that this is fine and dandy and the lad will have to lump it


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## jodie3 (18 April 2011)

MrsMozart said:



			Matchy matchy a step too far PF...?







Please advise by close of play today, otherwise I will take it that this is fine and dandy and the lad will have to lump it 

Click to expand...

You may jest Mrs M but I once bought a cob who was built like the proverbial brick outhouse. Included in the sale was HIS entire wardrobe, everything was  pink!! (He didn't even come from a teenager, his previous owner was a middle aged lady)


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## D66 (18 April 2011)

"a step too far"?  several miles!
Couldn't you find a pink nose net? and what's with the boring blue haynet?


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## brighteyes (19 April 2011)

Well she's doing something as advised by PF not many posts ago - the stable in the background is the _exact_ recommended design for keeping an eye on your horse.


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## brucea (19 April 2011)

Shhhhhhhhhh.... He thought he was being dressed up as a Viking - don't tell him.


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## tallyho! (19 April 2011)

jodie3 said:



			You may jest Mrs M but I once bought a cob who was built like the proverbial brick outhouse. Included in the sale was HIS entire wardrobe, everything was  pink!! (He didn't even come from a teenager, his previous owner was a middle aged lady)
		
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Ooh errr.... that sounds like me... it's accidental, I tell you!!! Pink is the only colour in the sale these days............


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## Amymay (19 April 2011)

I'm sorry to ask - if it's already been asked before, but I have a problem with my horse, and I just don't know what to do.

When I brought him in from the field last week he was very lame.  There was no noticeable heat or swelling anywhere - however his back right leg seemed to be twisted the wrong way, and had a large open cut running down it.  Should I call the vet, or just wait to see if it corrects itself??

I'm so, so worried.........


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## Flicker (19 April 2011)

Amymay - this will be your horse playing a wicked practical joke on you to try to get out of work.  Before you call the vet, I would advise at least 10 sessions with a horse whisperer and I would also enter him in a hunter trial at the weekend, just to show you mean business.
If you are REALLY worried, trot him up in his rug and ask your next door livery's best mate's mum's cousin to have a quick look.  If they say he's fine, he's fine.


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## Amymay (19 April 2011)

Thanks Flicker, you've really put my mind at rest - I've been soooo worried.  I will definately do what you advise.  I was thinking of getting my best friends mum to look at him, because she's got lots of experience with hamsters - but think your suggestion is better.

So relieved.  Thanks


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## PapaFrita (19 April 2011)

Flicker said:



			Amymay - this will be your horse playing a wicked practical joke on you to try to get out of work.  Before you call the vet, I would advise at least 10 sessions with a horse whisperer and I would also enter him in a hunter trial at the weekend, just to show you mean business.
If you are REALLY worried, trot him up in his rug and ask your next door livery's best mate's mum's cousin to have a quick look.  If they say he's fine, he's fine.
		
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Wow, you're really good at this


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## PapaFrita (19 April 2011)

brucea said:



			Gosh....that's so tasteful! Do you have matching High-Vis?
		
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Do you really think I need it?


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## PapaFrita (19 April 2011)

MrsMozart said:



			Matchy matchy a step too far PF...?







Please advise by close of play today, otherwise I will take it that this is fine and dandy and the lad will have to lump it 

Click to expand...

That's reminded me that I DID doll madam up in a pink (plain  ) fleece with pink stable bandages and a pink headcollar, but I can't find the photos!
I think your getup is utterly charming and very flattering


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## PapaFrita (19 April 2011)

Amaranta said:



			That picture has made my eyes bleed 

Click to expand...

With joy?


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## MrsMozart (19 April 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			That's reminded me that I DID doll madam up in a pink (plain  ) fleece with pink stable bandages and a pink headcollar, but I can't find the photos!
I think your getup is utterly charming and very flattering 

Click to expand...

Thank you PF! You have so put my mind at rest, I can sleep easy now . I can ignore all those who said that such an outfit, caring nothing for the pony's masculinity, caused him to turn into a raving nut job and have to be retired to a life as Chief Grass Eater in Residence


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## Hovis_and_SidsMum (19 April 2011)

OMG. Mrs M where do I get some of those togs? I think the Destroyer would look so manly in such an ensemble. 

PS avoid the underwear issues by not wearing any or better still flashing the racy black pair you have on through a well thought out "rip" in your jods. The pony club dads love it...


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## Flicker (19 April 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			Wow, you're really good at this 

Click to expand...

Thanks.  I've learnt from the Master (Mistress?) 

Amymay, I am glad I've put your mind at rest.  One other thing, sighing loudly and complaining about your 'broken pony' in the vicinity of anyone who might possibly give half a shiv speeds up recovery.  It is a scientific fact.


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## MrsMozart (19 April 2011)

Rolling on the floor wetting the lacy ensemble (in black) at the thought of the Destroyer in that get-up 

Warning re wearing the smaller items under one's jodhs - I managed to put a hole in m'bum the other week! Think: long hack (three hours); small undies; jodhs slightly too big on waist; rising trot; and the laws of physics (friction) Bad. Very, very bad!


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## Annagain (19 April 2011)

Hovis would look FAB in pink. It is a true sign of a horse assured of his own sexuality to wear pink with the confidence that the Destroyer would surely possess in such a shade.


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## cyberhorse (19 April 2011)

Having real trouble with my new 17.2hh horse. I took him to the show at the weekend and he won the wrong colour rosette at pony club! Now my mummy (who knows more than my instructor - real shame she has never ridden herself) said that it is the fault of that awful lady who sold it us as she said it was a highly schooled eventing horse and it can't be me as I won every time on my 14.2hh pony. Please advise if I should take her to court and sue for emotional stress and embarrassment and make her pay for a new one (it would again have to be my favorite color with four white socks a star on it's face, like the one on my Wii game). Or should I just go around telling all my PC friends how awful she is and how I got ripped off...

No thanks, (as you will probably not answer my demand immediately)

toospoilttoride


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## brucea (19 April 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			Do you really think I need it?  

Click to expand...

Absolutely, the ensemble is just not quite there without it.

Some sparkles too. You should consider replacing the bow on the browband with two small furry pink dice. Would be ever so tasteful.


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## lochpearl (19 April 2011)

brucea said:



			Absolutely, the ensemble is just not quite there without it.

Some sparkles too. You should consider replacing the bow on the browband with two small furry pink dice. Would be ever so tasteful.
		
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She does hack out in pink reflective boots not on PF tho.............................


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## MrsMozart (19 April 2011)

arizonahoney said:



			That is seriously impressive, can I come and be your acolyte and live in your garden shed? 

One time I wore entirely the wrong pants for a dressage test and the chafe was terrible to speak of. I placed 6th, but I'm sure I could have placed 4th if there hadn't been so much agonised wriggling on my part 

Click to expand...


Certainly, you come and acolyte all you like m'duck, what you do in the privacy of the shed is entirely up to you, just clean up afterwards if you'd be so kind as the hermit will no doubt requiring it back in clean order.

Now have a really bizarre image of you wriggling your way round a dressage test - did the judge make any comments on your sheet?


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## arizonahoney (20 April 2011)

Bizarrely, they did not comment. Perhaps they too felt my pain, had been there before in the wrong pants, crossing the diagonal on a long rein.


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## Hovis_and_SidsMum (20 April 2011)

annagain said:



			Hovis would look FAB in pink. It is a true sign of a horse assured of his own sexuality to wear pink with the confidence that the Destroyer would surely possess in such a shade.
		
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PF - is she right?
The Destroyer is ginger with a bizarre Stilton esque mottling up his neck at present.  Will the pink make him look more manly or like a mouldy cupcake?

In your educated opinion is the lack of pinkness in his wardrobe the contributing factor behind Carl "what does he know about dressage" Hesters refusal to take him to the Olympics for me?


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## PapaFrita (20 April 2011)

lochpearl said:



			She does hack out in pink reflective boots not on PF tho............................. 

Click to expand...

This is true...


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## PapaFrita (20 April 2011)

brucea said:



			Absolutely, the ensemble is just not quite there without it.

Some sparkles too. You should consider replacing the bow on the browband with two small furry pink dice. Would be ever so tasteful.
		
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Very The Only Way is Essex


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## PapaFrita (20 April 2011)

cyberhorse said:



			Having real trouble with my new 17.2hh horse. I took him to the show at the weekend and he won the wrong colour rosette at pony club! Now my mummy (who knows more than my instructor - real shame she has never ridden herself) said that it is the fault of that awful lady who sold it us as she said it was a highly schooled eventing horse and it can't be me as I won every time on my 14.2hh pony. Please advise if I should take her to court and sue for emotional stress and embarrassment and make her pay for a new one (it would again have to be my favorite color with four white socks a star on it's face, like the one on my Wii game). Or should I just go around telling all my PC friends how awful she is and how I got ripped off...

No thanks, (as you will probably not answer my demand immediately)

toospoilttoride
		
Click to expand...

Dear Spoilt,
Thanks for your letter. How very vexing for you not to win all the time. I'm afraid several people are at fault here; your instructor for not teaching you properly, your mother for not buying you a better horse, preferably the supreme champion at HOYS and the person who sold you the horse for not realising that her horse was unworthy of your talents. 
Sue the lot of them and then slag them off as well.


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## PapaFrita (20 April 2011)

Hovis_and_SidsMum said:



			PF - is she right?
The Destroyer is ginger with a bizarre Stilton esque mottling up his neck at present.  Will the pink make him look more manly or like a mouldy cupcake?
		
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This is indeed correct.
I once competed Antifaz (as ginger as they come) in pink and my then BF was in the stands watching. Someone commented 'Nice horse, but WHY all the pink???' and by way of explanation he said 'She's English' to which the entire stand went 'Ohhhh,' as if that settled the matter 




			In your educated opinion is the lack of pinkness in his wardrobe the contributing factor behind Carl "what does he know about dressage" Hesters refusal to take him to the Olympics for me?
		
Click to expand...

Yes, definitely.


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## Flicker (20 April 2011)

Dear PF,

Please answer a conundrum that has been plaguing me for many days.  Is my horse's performance directly or inversely proportional to the amount of Swarovski on my browband?  I cannot tell because I am too blinded by the light.

Thank you.

Flicker.


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## PapaFrita (20 April 2011)

Flicker said:



			Dear PF,

Please answer a conundrum that has been plaguing me for many days.  Is my horse's performance directly or inversely proportional to the amount of Swarovski on my browband?  I cannot tell because I am too blinded by the light.

Thank you.

Flicker.
		
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It is directly proportional, but you should be aware the effect is incrementally heightened by matching your bandages to your saddle pad, headband, top, etc...
Oh, and wear sunglasses


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## popstar (22 April 2011)

This thread MUST be good, I just spent 3 evenings reading from #1- #815 and couldn't stop laughing. 


I have a problem too. I know shoes aren't natural and try to let my mare wear her feet down herself by letting her out of the field to run up and down the tarmac with the cars. She has soo much fun she squeeels with joy every time and runs soooo fast! One of her legs is now pointing the wrong way and this seems to have affected her balance so now I think I need to put some studs in her feet. Is it ok if I use a corkscrew to make the stud holes or should I ask a qualified farrier to make proper holes in her feet? Also, should I insist on getting matchy-matchy ones to go with the red that is on the leg that is pointing the wrong way. I sure wouldn't want to commit a faux pas and risk my position on the short list for the 2012 olympics in the bullshit throwing division. 

Please help PF, I know you will be able to set me straight.

Yours, 

Ima Prattley


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## Meowy Catkin (22 April 2011)

Dear PF,

we all know that you are a horse whisperer without equal... but are you any good at cat whispering? I really hope that you do Huggle Catmanship because I really need your help. 

My cat is being very selfish and he absolutely refuses to catch any vermin that is larger than he is.  Now in Wales we are inundated with sheep, they are everywhere and now there are lots of little ones too, it's an infestation I tell you! 

Anyhooo, what can I do to encourage him to get off his lazy ar** and deal with this? Would it help his confidence if he practiced his hunting on some little birdies? We have lots of Buzzards and Ravens, I'm sure that if he decided to put some effort in, he could jump up and pluck them out of the sky.


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## D66 (22 April 2011)

How many easter eggs can my ponio eat without getting colic?  And do I need to unwrap it for her?  Of course, I kno not to get a cream filled egg, I'm not stupid!  However Tesco's think they have a delivery of MyLiklePonio flapjack eggs coming in later this morning.

Love and kisses,
Pinkan Fluffy


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## PapaFrita (23 April 2011)

popstar said:



			This thread MUST be good, I just spent 3 evenings reading from #1- #815 and couldn't stop laughing. 


I have a problem too. I know shoes aren't natural and try to let my mare wear her feet down herself by letting her out of the field to run up and down the tarmac with the cars. She has soo much fun she squeeels with joy every time and runs soooo fast! One of her legs is now pointing the wrong way and this seems to have affected her balance so now I think I need to put some studs in her feet. Is it ok if I use a corkscrew to make the stud holes or should I ask a qualified farrier to make proper holes in her feet? Also, should I insist on getting matchy-matchy ones to go with the red that is on the leg that is pointing the wrong way. I sure wouldn't want to commit a faux pas and risk my position on the short list for the 2012 olympics in the bullshit throwing division. 

Please help PF, I know you will be able to set me straight.

Yours, 

Ima Prattley
		
Click to expand...

You're quite right, shoes are NOT natural and I discourage their use at all times. All horses should be barefoot, even if it means they have to be foot sore for a while... sometimes months at a time. This is a price that you should be willing to pay for the benefit of your horse, who will always be better off with no shoes on. BUT why should you pay a professional who has trained for several years to do this when you can do a weekend course in barefoot trimming and do it yourself?? 
Sooo, basically, you can make the stud holes yourself in the soles of your horse's feet. No need for shoes. 
Matchy matchy is always good; you can't get too much matchy matchy


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## PapaFrita (23 April 2011)

Faracat said:



			Dear PF,

we all know that you are a horse whisperer without equal... but are you any good at cat whispering? I really hope that you do Huggle Catmanship because I really need your help. 

My cat is being very selfish and he absolutely refuses to catch any vermin that is larger than he is.  Now in Wales we are inundated with sheep, they are everywhere and now there are lots of little ones too, it's an infestation I tell you! 

Anyhooo, what can I do to encourage him to get off his lazy ar** and deal with this? Would it help his confidence if he practiced his hunting on some little birdies? We have lots of Buzzards and Ravens, I'm sure that if he decided to put some effort in, he could jump up and pluck them out of the sky. 

Click to expand...

Are you really in touch with your inner cat?? It would seem not otherwise you would know that cats will not do what you ask them to. You have to make them think it's THEIR idea. So, perhaps you should 'stage' some situations where your cat would be inclined to hunt. Basically try to keep him away from all small rodents, birds and livestock and within a very short time he'll be dragging sheep through the catflap! Good luck and feel the huggles


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## Ravenwood (23 April 2011)

Dear PF,

I have a problem concerning horses.  My current mare (which came to me as dangerous but has turned out to be dope on a rope  ) of which I have owned for 6 years has had to unexpectedly be retired due to injury 

However, I need a horse to ride to exercise all the dogs twice a day (before and after work) ie they follow along 

The YO has quite clearly stated that she doesn't wanted anymore horses at the farm so I can't go off and buy another without sorting out the lame, useless one!

What shall I so with the lame, useless one?  Put her in foal to a hairy common cob and make a buck from her to fund the cost of a shiny new horse's livery?  Send her off to kennels seeing as she is useless and lame?  Turn her out on the common and chance her luck with the natives?  Sell her loaded up with bute and calmer (she is very good looking after all)?

What do you suggest?

Yours indebtedly
Inna Pickle


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## Fii (23 April 2011)

Dear PF
 Thankyou very much for your help with my previous problem, although the very cross policman would'nt beleive that i had been advised by a professional to put two shetlands in child seats in the back of my rav, and insisted that i travel them in something more apropriat,   i had to take them home on the bus. 

 So i have a new problem. 
 A friend of mine told me she bathed her pony the other day, and i would like to bath the shetlands, they are luvely wuvely bundles of fluff, but they do smell a bit..... horsey, so i thought a nice bubble bath would make them smell a bit more........ human,   but........
 I can't get them to climb up the stairs .
   Do i need a staner stair lift.    Please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## popstar (25 April 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			You're quite right, shoes are NOT natural and I discourage their use at all times. All horses should be barefoot, even if it means they have to be foot sore for a while... sometimes months at a time. This is a price that you should be willing to pay for the benefit of your horse, who will always be better off with no shoes on. BUT why should you pay a professional who has trained for several years to do this when you can do a weekend course in barefoot trimming and do it yourself?? 
Sooo, basically, you can make the stud holes yourself in the soles of your horse's feet. No need for shoes. 
Matchy matchy is always good; you can't get too much matchy matchy 

Click to expand...

Thanks PF! I knew you'd have the answers I needed. I always thought people who used farriers and vets and such were just showing off about how much money they have, I'm sooooo happy to hear I can do it myself and save my money for matchy matchy blings!


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## tinap (25 April 2011)

I hope you can help me with a problem I have with my new horse. I bought him 4 months ago, I fell in love with him as he has the most unusual silver stripe along the bottom of his feet. I've noticed lately that this silver stripe is shrinking though, & he's started to walk funny. Could I have bought a horse with some kind of disease? The man I bought him off told me to put some olive oil on his feet to keep the silver shiney, but I forgot 1 day, could this be the problem?? I've scoured the forum to see if anyone else has this problem but can't find anything! 
Thanks,
A. Dumbass xx


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## magic104 (25 April 2011)

Ravenwood said:



			Dear PF,

The YO has quite clearly stated that she doesn't wanted anymore horses at the farm so I can't go off and buy another without sorting out the lame, useless one!

What shall I so with the lame, useless one?  Put her in foal to a hairy common cob and make a buck from her to fund the cost of a shiny new horse's livery?  Yours indebtedly
Inna Pickle
		
Click to expand...

Confused me in one sentence your YO says no new horse & in the 2nd talk of putting said horse in-foal to fund new horse's livery.  I think perhaps you are a TROLL, shame as this is such a serious thread, but there is always one who has to ruin it.........................LOL


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## CastleMouse (25 April 2011)

Dear PF,

Why is it that no matter how much bling my horse or I wear for dressage competitions, our scores don't improve? I thought that with all the money I'm spending on sparkly things judges would DEFINITELY give us better marks...

It's a mystery to me 

Yours Sincerely,

Dressage diva in despair


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## Thistle (25 April 2011)

Is your horse black with white legs and at least 25hh. If not there is the answer to your problem.


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## PapaFrita (25 April 2011)

Digger66 said:



			How many easter eggs can my ponio eat without getting colic?  And do I need to unwrap it for her?  Of course, I kno not to get a cream filled egg, I'm not stupid!  However Tesco's think they have a delivery of MyLiklePonio flapjack eggs coming in later this morning.

Love and kisses,
Pinkan Fluffy
		
Click to expand...

Dear Pinkan Fluffy
Sorry for my late reply. I hope your horse had loads of fun looking for her easter eggs. You did make her look for them, didn't you?


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## Berpisc (25 April 2011)

Dear PF,
I am new to this horse owning lark, but have been on lots of horse bending courses, have sorted out a kidney(or is that a livery?) but I am confused...
these coloured horsee and ones with spots on their bums but nowhere else...are they proper horses or ones that have been made from parts of others?  I work in the motor trade and these creatures look a bit like cut and shut jobs to me.  Is that common in the horsey trade too?


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## PapaFrita (25 April 2011)

Ravenwood said:



			Dear PF,

I have a problem concerning horses.  My current mare (which came to me as dangerous but has turned out to be dope on a rope  ) of which I have owned for 6 years has had to unexpectedly be retired due to injury 

However, I need a horse to ride to exercise all the dogs twice a day (before and after work) ie they follow along 

The YO has quite clearly stated that she doesn't wanted anymore horses at the farm so I can't go off and buy another without sorting out the lame, useless one!

What shall I so with the lame, useless one?  Put her in foal to a hairy common cob and make a buck from her to fund the cost of a shiny new horse's livery?  Send her off to kennels seeing as she is useless and lame?  Turn her out on the common and chance her luck with the natives?  Sell her loaded up with bute and calmer (she is very good looking after all)?

What do you suggest?

Yours indebtedly
Inna Pickle
		
Click to expand...

You are indeed in quite a pickle. How about you put her in foal, THEN when you've got the foal you send her off to the knackerman (so you can get a few bob off her) and THEN you sell the foal? Nowadays foals are weaned at a few days and make a ton of money at the sales and any lameness issues he may've inherited will become someone else's problem. Assuming he doesn't go for meat of course... but that's not your problem. On second thoughts; if you get a filly foal keep it and then you can breed MORE little ones and make enough money to buy fags and beer 
Good luck and feel the huggles


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## D66 (25 April 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			Dear Pinkan 
Sorry for my late reply. I hope your horse had loads of fun looking for her easter eggs. You did make her look for them, didn't you? 



Click to expand...

She didn't have to look far,  I bought all the eggs Tesco had!   I was up all night unwrapping them -in the absence of advice from you I decided to be cautious.
  I've just got in from talking to the vet, he says my adorable ponio must have tripped over one of the eggs and strained a tendon, but I think he's jealous of the bond between me and my ponio.  These professionals think they know every thing don't they.
Also she must have liked the eggs because she is still very excited and keeps looking at her belly (where she knows the eggs are).

PS Do ponios like wedding cake? I don't want her to miss out on the fun on Friday.


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## amandap (25 April 2011)

Dear PapaFrita,
My horse just will not do what I want when I whip it. I've tried all sorts of whips and done some muscle building to get my strength up, what do you recommend I try next?

Weak and feeble rider.


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## PapaFrita (25 April 2011)

Fii said:



			Dear PF
 Thankyou very much for your help with my previous problem, although the very cross policman would'nt beleive that i had been advised by a professional to put two shetlands in child seats in the back of my rav, and insisted that i travel them in something more apropriat,   i had to take them home on the bus. 

 So i have a new problem. 
 A friend of mine told me she bathed her pony the other day, and i would like to bath the shetlands, they are luvely wuvely bundles of fluff, but they do smell a bit..... horsey, so i thought a nice bubble bath would make them smell a bit more........ human,   but........
 I can't get them to climb up the stairs .
   Do i need a staner stair lift.    Please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
		
Click to expand...

I've been lobbying the Police Force to incorporate Huggley techniques into their training... it would help them to _understand_ not only the general public, but also the horses and dogs they work with. It makes me sad that the police officer you met was so unreceptive to your superiour understanding. I hope your journey on the bus wasn't too traumatic.
As for your second problem.. Yes, horsey odours are most inconvenient. you really should have a second bathroom installed downstairs and move your the shetlands into your living room for convenience and also so they don't get dirty. Dirt is such a problem


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## PapaFrita (25 April 2011)

tinap555 said:



			I hope you can help me with a problem I have with my new horse. I bought him 4 months ago, I fell in love with him as he has the most unusual silver stripe along the bottom of his feet. I've noticed lately that this silver stripe is shrinking though, & he's started to walk funny. Could I have bought a horse with some kind of disease? The man I bought him off told me to put some olive oil on his feet to keep the silver shiney, but I forgot 1 day, could this be the problem?? I've scoured the forum to see if anyone else has this problem but can't find anything! 
Thanks,
A. Dumbass xx
		
Click to expand...

The silver strip is sometimes refered to as a 'horse shoe' but this is a misnomer; it is, in fact, an unnatural and hideous form of torture that unenlightened horse owners make their horses endure. Your horse is walking funny for this reason. You should remove the 'shoes' and take a tea-time course in barefoot trimming so you can maintain your horse's feet yourself. You can expect him to be sore for a while before he gets better.


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## PapaFrita (25 April 2011)

magic104 said:



			Confused me in one sentence your YO says no new horse & in the 2nd talk of putting said horse in-foal to fund new horse's livery.  I think perhaps you are a TROLL, shame as this is such a serious thread, but there is always one who has to ruin it.........................LOL
		
Click to expand...

It is a sad fact that some people will not take seriously our attempts to enlighten them to the error of their ways, but we must rise above it and continue to be a force in defence of our Huggly Friends...


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## PapaFrita (25 April 2011)

CastleMouse said:



			Dear PF,

Why is it that no matter how much bling my horse or I wear for dressage competitions, our scores don't improve? I thought that with all the money I'm spending on sparkly things judges would DEFINITELY give us better marks...

It's a mystery to me 

Yours Sincerely,

Dressage diva in despair
		
Click to expand...

Have you matched all your accessories, hat and clothing? Is your horse black and very very big? Do you train without a hat? If not, no matter how much you train, your scores will continue to be rubbish. Sorry.
Oh, and you should by my entire collection of DVDs and books at £10599


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## PapaFrita (25 April 2011)

Thistle said:



			Is your horse black with white legs and at least 25hh. If not there is the answer to your problem.
		
Click to expand...

You've forgotten that it's necessary to train without a hat and also to match all your accessories...


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## only_me (25 April 2011)

Dear PF, 
I must be very cruel, as my horse has a bit in his mouth, and I believe it is very very painful for a horse to have a bit in his mouth especially if it is a french link snaffle. To make matters worse, I may need to put a flash strap on him as we are getting a bit onward bound jumping through enthusiasm - would this make me horrendously cruel?
Do I need to do some games with him to make him respect me? 

Sincerely
Toocrueltoride


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## PapaFrita (25 April 2011)

Berpisc said:



			Dear PF,
I am new to this horse owning lark, but have been on lots of horse bending courses, have sorted out a kidney(or is that a livery?) but I am confused...
these coloured horsee and ones with spots on their bums but nowhere else...are they proper horses or ones that have been made from parts of others?  I work in the motor trade and these creatures look a bit like cut and shut jobs to me.  Is that common in the horsey trade too?
		
Click to expand...

Well the only horses that really matter are the ones that have either splodges or spots. Nothing else is worth their hay, so you must make sure you get one of those. Some horses are indeed cut and shut (very delicate surgery required) but it doesn't matter what they look like because onlookers will be dazzled by their array of colours and think they are beautiful. Good luck and feeeel the Huuuuggles


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## PapaFrita (25 April 2011)

Digger66 said:



			She didn't have to look far,  I bought all the eggs Tesco had!   I was up all night unwrapping them -in the absence of advice from you I decided to be cautious.
  I've just got in from talking to the vet, he says my adorable ponio must have tripped over one of the eggs and strained a tendon, but I think he's jealous of the bond between me and my ponio.  These professionals think they know every thing don't they.
Also she must have liked the eggs because she is still very excited and keeps looking at her belly (where she knows the eggs are).

PS Do ponios like wedding cake? I don't want her to miss out on the fun on Friday.
		
Click to expand...

I'm glad she enjoyed herself. Sadly vets will tell you whatever it takes to make some money; it IS their living, after all. If you ARE worried you should ask on a forum where no one has financial interests at heart and are all so experienced and knowledgeable.
Wedding cake is a great idea; a varied diet is vital to keep your horse healthy


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## PapaFrita (25 April 2011)

amandap said:



			Dear PapaFrita,
My horse just will not do what I want when I whip it. I've tried all sorts of whips and done some muscle building to get my strength up, what do you recommend I try next?

Weak and feeble rider.
		
Click to expand...

*sigh* If you need a whip, you are not weak and feeble, you're just a cr*p rider. Did you watch Badminton yesterday? Every rider had a whip, bunch of losers  
What you really need is my DVD set and book; Handle your Horse with your Head. It will make a whip and in fact any tack or even training unnecessary and you will be able to ride round Badminton in pure harmony with your horse. Ok, so you may not manage any fences, but that's not what it's about, is it? It's all about being at one with your ponio. Can I also recommend my Huggle Horsemanship Training Kit? It comprises the banana stick and patented ambitextrous control-and-training headcollar/bridle with extra-heavy patented Clunk Click Clip.
Feel the huggles.


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## PapaFrita (25 April 2011)

only_me said:



			Dear PF, 
I must be very cruel, as my horse has a bit in his mouth, and I believe it is very very painful for a horse to have a bit in his mouth especially if it is a french link snaffle. To make matters worse, I may need to put a flash strap on him as we are getting a bit onward bound jumping through enthusiasm - would this make me horrendously cruel?
Do I need to do some games with him to make him respect me? 

Sincerely
Toocrueltoride
		
Click to expand...

Yes, I'm sorry to say your choice of tack is VERY cruel. In fact, even RIDING your horse, especially in tack, is unnatural and borderline cruel... and as for JUMPING?! The only thing worse than jumping is eventing. And racing.
Immediately desist from riding your horse and turn him away to be 'natural' in a field. It will not be necessary to attend to his feet, worm or give vaccinations. 
If you insist on continuing to ride, you must purchase my DVD and book set entitled Huggle Horsemanship; Anything Else is Just Cruel, and also the banana stick and the ambitextrous headcollar/bitless bridle with the extra-heavy Clunk Click Clip.
Good luck and I hope you see the error of your ways soon and find your way to the path of true enlightenment


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## I_am_a_cucumber (25 April 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			Have you matched all your accessories, hat and clothing? Is your horse black and very very big? Do you train without a hat? If not, no matter how much you train, your scores will continue to be rubbish. Sorry.
Oh, and you should by my entire collection of DVDs and books at £10599 

Click to expand...

I wouldn't want to be presumptious and appear to doubt your vastly superior experience and wisdom, but have you considered the importance of wearing matching underwear - for horse _and _rider?  I think this might be a deciding factor.


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## amandap (25 April 2011)

Oh, heck, I haven't got round to riding yet.  I was trying to get her in and out of the stable and let me brush her. 

Cheque in the post for your DVD's etc.


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## D66 (25 April 2011)

I_am_a_cucumber said:



I wouldn't want to be presumptious and appear to doubt your vastly superior experience and wisdom, but have you considered the importance of wearing matching underwear - for horse _and _rider?  I think this might be a deciding factor.

Click to expand...

OMG my ponio doesn't have ANY underwear - That's why we don't win.


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## PapaFrita (25 April 2011)

I_am_a_cucumber said:



I wouldn't want to be presumptious and appear to doubt your vastly superior experience and wisdom, but have you considered the importance of wearing matching underwear - for horse _and _rider?  I think this might be a deciding factor.

Click to expand...

Good point. You can never be too careful or match too much


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## Amaranta (25 April 2011)

Dear PF

In the absence of any advice from you regarding what colour matchy matchy I should use on my spotted piebald ex pit pony with 3 brown legs, I found myself left to my own devices and actually bought some pistacio (lime green) accessories, I would have also bought a hat cover, but like all good riders I do not wear a hat.  Since buying this set my scores have not improved - not one iota, soooo, obviously it is the wrong colour.

I have discovered that there is now a set in aubergine and wondered what your thoughts would be, should I:

1)  Go for the Aubergene?

or

2) Stick with the Pistacio and just add some diamante?

or

3)  Wait for your advice on colour co-ordination?

Please please answer quickly as I cannot get my passage right until I am wearing the right colour.


Yours 

Passage in waiting


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## I_am_a_cucumber (25 April 2011)

Digger66 said:



			OMG my ponio doesn't have ANY underwear - That's why we don't win.

Click to expand...


NO underwear?!  You mean your ponio is  naked?


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## Queenjude (25 April 2011)

Dear PF,

I need your help.  People keep telling me that my pony is fat and that I should put a grazing muzzle on him or put him into a starvation field.  I think this is very cruel and surely the more he gets fed the more he will love me?  As well as being out 24/7 on lots of green grass he only gets two scoops of race mix twice a day (I want him to look as shiny as race horses do) and one scoop of sugar beat twice a day so it's not a lot?  I don't ride him as he doesn't like it and he tries to buck me off.  Some people are saying some thing about laminitis but I think they're just jealous.

Thanks.

A very worried pony owner


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## D66 (25 April 2011)

I_am_a_cucumber said:




NO underwear?!  You mean your ponio is  naked?  

Click to expand...

Not 'naked', of course she has at least 3 rugs, just not bra and thong.
I thought those contraptions in the tack shop were stud girths!!!


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## I_am_a_cucumber (25 April 2011)

Digger66 said:



			Not 'naked', of course she has at least 3 rugs, just not bra and thong.
I thought those contraptions in the tack shop were stud girths!!!
		
Click to expand...

But still ... no underwear?!  What about covering her, ahem, privates?


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## D66 (25 April 2011)

I_am_a_cucumber said:



But still ... no underwear?!  What about covering her, ahem, privates?  

Click to expand...

It's ok, all sorted. I've been on line and ordered her a stretch fit wonderhorsebra in apple print and matching (of course) stretch dressage briefs. The pain is I've had to buy matching numnah, boots, girth, rugs, shirt, gloves, haynet and horsebox - cost a fortune. 
Never mind; the more you spend the better the marks, that's what I always say.


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## I_am_a_cucumber (25 April 2011)

Digger66 said:



			It's ok, all sorted. I've been on line and ordered her a stretch fit wonderhorsebra in apple print and matching (of course) stretch dressage briefs. The pain is I've had to buy matching numnah, boots, girth, rugs, shirt, gloves, haynet and horsebox - cost a fortune. 
Never mind; the more you spend the better the marks, that's what I always say.

Click to expand...

Excellent, I'm glad it's all sorted now. 

I'm sure you'll do brilliantly at dressage now - assuming you've got a matching apple print bra and briefs for yourself?


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## D66 (25 April 2011)

I_am_a_cucumber said:



Excellent, I'm glad it's all sorted now. 

I'm sure you'll do brilliantly at dressage now - assuming you've got a matching apple print bra and briefs for yourself?

Click to expand...


Have had matching morag and morass restrainers for sometime now. 
Sudden thought - i'll have to get the lingerie fitter on the same routine as the saddler, dentist, chiro, vet - and for the horse as well.
In my research I found that Derby House do a "poni bath robe", do they think we're suckers just waiting to be parted from our money. Hah!


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## I_am_a_cucumber (25 April 2011)

Digger66 said:



			Have had matching morag and morass restrainers for sometime now. 
Sudden thought - i'll have to get the lingerie fitter on the same routine as the saddler, dentist, chiro, vet - and for the horse as well.
In my research I found that Derby House do a "poni bath robe", do they think we're suckers just waiting to be parted from our money. Hah!
		
Click to expand...

You mean you don't have a bath robe for her yet?   Poor pony.   What do you put on her once she's taken her swimming costume off?  (She does have a swimming costume, right?)


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## D66 (25 April 2011)

I_am_a_cucumber said:



You mean you don't have a bath robe for her yet?   Poor pony.   What do you put on her once she's taken her swimming costume off?  (She does have a swimming costume, right?)

Click to expand...

A variety of cossies depending on the type of swimming being undertaken and wether she's in salt or fresh water. Then afterwards she goes under the heat lamps and then has an aromatherapy massage and a multivitamin smoothy. You can't take chances you know.


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## I_am_a_cucumber (25 April 2011)

Digger66 said:



			A variety of cossies depending on the type of swimming being undertaken and wether she's in salt or fresh water. Then afterwards she goes under the heat lamps and then has an aromatherapy massage and a multivitamin smoothy. You can't take chances you know.
		
Click to expand...

That sounds very good! 

Can I move in?


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## D66 (25 April 2011)

I_am_a_cucumber said:



That sounds very good! 

Can I move in?

Click to expand...

Oh, I live in a lean-to shed on the back of the feed store, it's a bit chilly in winter and the yard tap is only 100m away but it's very handy for the stables, and we'll have electricity quite soon.


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## I_am_a_cucumber (25 April 2011)

Digger66 said:



			Oh, I live in a lean-to shed on the back of the feed store, it's a bit chilly in winter and the yard tap is only 100m away but it's very handy for the stables, and we'll have electricity quite soon.
		
Click to expand...

Sounds very tempting!  As long as the shed and feed store match, I'll move in tomorrow.


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## D66 (25 April 2011)

I_am_a_cucumber said:



Sounds very tempting!  As long as the shed and feed store match, I'll move in tomorrow.  

Click to expand...

I suppose it is better than a veg patch. 
warning - I eat cucumbers.


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## D66 (25 April 2011)

PF 
My big problem at the moment is how to convert  a couple of pounds of leftover roast lamb into an interesting meal for 5 people. Any ideas?  I can go to the supermarket for extra ingredients.


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## Mrs B (25 April 2011)

PF

May I suggest that it would be most beneficial (indeed gracious of you) to offer to Course-Walk the Huggley Way next Badders?

I feel sure that aside from making others realise the way things SHOULD be done, you might manage to flog rather a lot of banana sticks....

(Ps - I'll be on 10% of what you make, please)


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## mrussell (26 April 2011)

Did Mark Todd really win Badders... or did he just buy his way to the top ?  I notice all of the screen had his name on them... maybe he just screened himself winning ?


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## Ravenwood (26 April 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			You are indeed in quite a pickle. How about you put her in foal, THEN when you've got the foal you send her off to the knackerman (so you can get a few bob off her) and THEN you sell the foal? Nowadays foals are weaned at a few days and make a ton of money at the sales and any lameness issues he may've inherited will become someone else's problem. Assuming he doesn't go for meat of course... but that's not your problem. On second thoughts; if you get a filly foal keep it and then you can breed MORE little ones and make enough money to buy fags and beer 
Good luck and feel the huggles 

Click to expand...

Now, why on earth didn't I think of that?!! 

In just a few short years I will be a mill-yon-air !! 

Thank you PF for your amazing insight 

Yours, not-so-Inna-Pickle-now xx


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## Ravenwood (26 April 2011)

magic104 said:



			Confused me in one sentence your YO says no new horse & in the 2nd talk of putting said horse in-foal to fund new horse's livery.  I think perhaps you are a TROLL, shame as this is such a serious thread, but there is always one who has to ruin it.........................LOL
		
Click to expand...

  



PapaFrita said:



			It is a sad fact that some people will not take seriously our attempts to enlighten them to the error of their ways, but we must rise above it and continue to be a force in defence of our Huggly Friends... 

Click to expand...

Oh NO - I have been rumbled 

I apologise and am not worthy or your words of wisdom 

I will take my tolledness away, so long, fair well and good luck in your endeavour to enlighten horse owners across the world xx


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## skewbald_again (26 April 2011)

Dear PF
I have just won a little event what I entered on my grey horsy. I was so pleased as I am getting on a bit and have had a bit of time off.
Now it seems that I have done the wrong thing by smacking said grey horsy to get him to focus on a fricking great log that had broken neck written all over it. He jumped it just fine but lots of VERY KNOWLEDGEABLE PEOPLE are well cross with me, PF.
Should I hand the trophy back do you think? Or are they just slightly less bright than the log?
Hanging on your every word.
M*** T***


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## PapaFrita (27 April 2011)

Digger66 said:



			PF 
My big problem at the moment is how to convert  a couple of pounds of leftover roast lamb into an interesting meal for 5 people. Any ideas?  I can go to the supermarket for extra ingredients.
		
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Make yourself a nice lamb rogan josh. Recipe available in my book Fab Food that Huggles


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## Thistle (27 April 2011)

Can I have all the left over fluffy bits of dead sheep for my dressage horse please


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## PapaFrita (27 April 2011)

Mrs B said:



			PF

May I suggest that it would be most beneficial (indeed gracious of you) to offer to Course-Walk the Huggley Way next Badders?

I feel sure that aside from making others realise the way things SHOULD be done, you might manage to flog rather a lot of banana sticks....

(Ps - I'll be on 10% of what you make, please)
		
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I would be willing to escort the riders on their course walks. I think they would benefit hugely from my Huggly-Know-How. I'm confident I can also convince them to ride without those horrible 'whip' things and with my brand-new, shortened Exercise Banana Stick.
You can have 1%


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## PapaFrita (27 April 2011)

mrussell said:



			Did Mark Todd really win Badders... or did he just buy his way to the top ?  I notice all of the screen had his name on them... maybe he just screened himself winning ?
		
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I suspect he did buy his way to the top; loads of dinners , parties etc, to ingratiate himself to event organisers, fence judges, owners, vets, etc.... quite hard work but it does mean that he doesn't actually have to put any work into the horses... It's not about THAT at all, is it??? 
I think he probably paid off a hacker to fiddle the screens at Badders...


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## PapaFrita (27 April 2011)

Ravenwood said:



  



Oh NO - I have been rumbled 

I apologise and am not worthy or your words of wisdom 

I will take my tolledness away, so long, fair well and good luck in your endeavour to enlighten horse owners across the world xx
		
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*stern voice* I hope you've learned your lesson missy!!


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## Flicker (27 April 2011)

I can't believe this post is still going - BRILLIANT!!


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## PapaFrita (27 April 2011)

skewbald_again said:



			Dear PF
I have just won a little event what I entered on my grey horsy. I was so pleased as I am getting on a bit and have had a bit of time off.
Now it seems that I have done the wrong thing by smacking said grey horsy to get him to focus on a fricking great log that had broken neck written all over it. He jumped it just fine but lots of VERY KNOWLEDGEABLE PEOPLE are well cross with me, PF.
Should I hand the trophy back do you think? Or are they just slightly less bright than the log?
Hanging on your every word.
M*** T***
		
Click to expand...

Dear M  
I was very sorry. to see you smack your lovely horse. If you recall, on our course walk I told you when to _huggle_ your horse forwards and when to retire. It is unfortunate that you disregarded my advice in view of your 40 odd years of experience and numerous team places and wins at international events, but I'm very relieved you both made it through to the next day and that your lovely boy rose to the occasion despite your _awful_ judgement on the XC, to give you your fourth win.
I have to tell you at this point that on Sun evening I used my mind to convey Huggly Healing messages to your horse so he was able to overcome his exhaustion and aches and pains.
Bill's in the post


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## PapaFrita (27 April 2011)

Flicker said:



			I can't believe this post is still going - BRILLIANT!!    

Click to expand...

I still think I should get a column in H&H


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## skewbald_again (27 April 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			Dear M  
I was very sorry. to see you smack your lovely horse. If you recall, on our course walk I told you when to _huggle_ your horse forwards and when to retire. It is unfortunate that you disregarded my advice in view of your 40 odd years of experience and numerous team places and wins at international events, but I'm very relieved you both made it through to the next day and that your lovely boy rose to the occasion despite your _awful_ judgement on the XC, to give you your fourth win.
I have to tell you at this point that on Sun evening I used my mind to convey Huggly Healing messages to your horse so he was able to overcome his exhaustion and aches and pains.
Bill's in the post 

Click to expand...

I am now in helpless fits of laughter. You deserve a column, you do. It would be the best bit!


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## PapaFrita (27 April 2011)

skewbald_again said:



			I am now in helpless fits of laughter. You deserve a column, you do. It would be the best bit!
		
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It would be SO much fun!!! Maybe I should direct the editor to this thread


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## brighteyes (27 April 2011)

Dear PF

I haven't much time because I'm having quins 20 weeks early and need to know, have I got time for a quick gallop round the cross country course before I grab my pushbike and cycle to the hospital?  I've opted for the aromatherapy birth as I've heard essential oils can calm the babies and today is quite a busy one, so I'd like them to be quiet.

Anyway, must dash as I need to hoover and fill the dishwasher first - my OH is outside tacking my ex-racer up as I type.  Don't worry as he's only 25 and I've had him vetted this morning to check he's up to it. I'll catch you later on my i-phone...

Sincerely, loadsabolloxinsoapbox


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## Lady La La (27 April 2011)

brighteyes said:



			Dear PF

I haven't much time because I'm having quins 20 weeks early and need to know, have I got time for a quick gallop round the cross country course before I grab my pushbike and cycle to the hospital?  I've opted for the aromatherapy birth as I've heard essential oils can calm the babies and today is quite a busy one, so I'd like them to be quiet.

Anyway, must dash as I need to hoover and fill the dishwasher first - my OH is outside tacking my ex-racer up as I type.  Don't worry as he's only 25 and I've had him vetted this morning to check he's up to it. I'll catch you later on my i-phone...

Sincerely, loadsabolloxinsoapbox
		
Click to expand...

Although I'm nowhere near as experienced as PF, my one piece of advice to you is this:
Of course you must ride today, tell your babies to wait... they must learn from an early age that they cannot have what they want all the time.
Be careful though, I've heard galloping is what they do at *Badminton*, and last time I rode at *Badminton* my horse slipped on some jelly and hit his leg on one of the muesli fences. It turned the milk chocolatey and he walked with a limp for the rest of his life. Be warned!

I do hope PF manages to get back to you soon!

Lots of Love,

_MuppetsinLatestNews_


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## brighteyes (27 April 2011)

No worries - my waters broke yesterday so my saddle will be OK - just popped a sheepskin on top of it as well as the one under it  to be on the safe side


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## Lady La La (27 April 2011)

brighteyes said:



			No worries - my waters broke yesterday so my saddle will be OK - just popped a sheepskin on top of it as well as the one under it  to be on the safe side  

Click to expand...

You might want to pop a fluffy noseband on your ponio, just to be on the safe side...


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## PapaFrita (27 April 2011)

brighteyes said:



			Dear PF

I haven't much time because I'm having quins 20 weeks early and need to know, have I got time for a quick gallop round the cross country course before I grab my pushbike and cycle to the hospital?  I've opted for the aromatherapy birth as I've heard essential oils can calm the babies and today is quite a busy one, so I'd like them to be quiet.

Anyway, must dash as I need to hoover and fill the dishwasher first - my OH is outside tacking my ex-racer up as I type.  Don't worry as he's only 25 and I've had him vetted this morning to check he's up to it. I'll catch you later on my i-phone...

Sincerely, loadsabolloxinsoapbox
		
Click to expand...

Dear Loadsa. Are you an irish wolfhound?? That's a LOT of babies. Actually, if you're having them at 20 weeks, then you might be! You won't need a bike to get to hospital, you could probably run there more quickly than your horse, although you shouldn't be doing anything as strenuous as running without getting the vet, sorry doctor, to check your tonsils and reflexes, so on reflection it would probably be safer to take your horse. Also the gentle rocking movement of riding will help the babies find the correct position for natural (none of this c-section nonsense) birth. Please make sure your OH nips out to Tesco's whilst you're galloping to the hospital to get some wax for your legs, and of course the essential oils that will ease your puppies... I mean babies... into the world. Remember you must remain totally silent during the birth and must keep us updated on the forum, so please take your iphone into your birthing pool. Try not to get it wet.
Loads of huggles for you and the litter... I mean family...


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## Ranyhyn (27 April 2011)

skewbald_again said:



			I am now in helpless fits of laughter. You deserve a column, you do. It would be the best bit!
		
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The MT one killed me too  PF you are a sodding genius!!!


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## moosea (27 April 2011)

Dear Pf,

I have got a mare but she is dead ugly. Can you recommend anywhere to get her ears pierced? The bloke down the market won't do it for less than £10.


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## PapaFrita (27 April 2011)

Kitsune said:



			The MT one killed me too  PF you are a sodding genius!!! 

Click to expand...

It would SO make my day if he read it


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## brighteyes (27 April 2011)

Is that as well as the rope Mexican he usually wears 

Oooooh I think I just had a twinge - or it might just be indigestion from the pub lunch, earlier!


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## brighteyes (27 April 2011)

Dear PF

I realise I do have a few stray hairs around and about my person, but I can assure you I am a person and not a dog. As far as I know Irish Wolfhounds are not _that good_ at typing.

Anyway you were too late.  I had six chubby babies (stupid consultant obstetrician missed one on the scan) ten minutes before you replied.  They are practically walking by themselves now so off to buy them a Shetland each.

Good luck with the column in Nag and Dog

Loadsa x


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## Lady La La (27 April 2011)

I can provide you with a free Colonic Irrigation treatment with each shetland purchased...

_No returns._


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## brighteyes (27 April 2011)

Hmmm, always a catch and always some small print...


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## solly3066 (27 April 2011)

Please help...   I've booked in for my cesearean in three weeks time but have now realised this clashes with my dressage time on the same day!!  I really don't want to miss my time as it may be the last time I get to ride for a while (pony is 35 years old and bit doddery now but can still do fairly decent 20m circle despite being blind on the left side).

Do you think it would be awfully rude to ask for a later time so I can be out of the hospital in time to hop on?  My friend has very kindly offered to warm up the pony for me.

Not sure of the etiquette in these sort of things.

Many thanks


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## D66 (27 April 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			Make yourself a nice lamb rogan josh. Recipe available in my book Fab Food that Huggles 

Click to expand...

Did as suggested and very nice it was too.
Does the book have a recipe for Fritatta Papatta?

I think H&H should have a column in _your_ magazine.


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## PapaFrita (27 April 2011)

brighteyes said:



			Dear PF

I realise I do have a few stray hairs around and about my person, but I can assure you I am a person and not a dog. As far as I know Irish Wolfhounds are not _that good_ at typing.

Anyway you were too late.  I had six chubby babies (stupid consultant obstetrician missed one on the scan) ten minutes before you replied.  They are practically walking by themselves now so off to buy them a Shetland each.

Good luck with the column in Nag and Dog

Loadsa x
		
Click to expand...

Actually, Irish wolfhounds are a very versatile breed 
I'm pleased to hear your babies have arrived safely, I trust you'll be back at work tomorrow and you'll be in touch with Max Clifford shortly regarding a new celebrity career for the little 'uns. I think you might be in time to enter Britain's got Talent 
I hope you'll be procuring banana sticks and my new and improved amidextrous headcollar with patented Clunk Click Clip for each child??


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## PapaFrita (27 April 2011)

solly3066 said:



			Please help...   I've booked in for my cesearean in three weeks time but have now realised this clashes with my dressage time on the same day!!  I really don't want to miss my time as it may be the last time I get to ride for a while (pony is 35 years old and bit doddery now but can still do fairly decent 20m circle despite being blind on the left side).

Do you think it would be awfully rude to ask for a later time so I can be out of the hospital in time to hop on?  My friend has very kindly offered to warm up the pony for me.

Not sure of the etiquette in these sort of things.

Many thanks
		
Click to expand...

Ask for a later dressage time? How very rude! Get the hospital to bring forward your cesearean! A few hours should make no difference to the baby (babies?), the hospital should have no problem accommodating you (it's not like they have LOTS of births every day) and you'll be out of the hospital in no time. You might even be able to warm your horse up yourself


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## brighteyes (27 April 2011)

PapaFrita said:



			Actually, Irish wolfhounds are a very versatile breed 
I'm pleased to hear your babies have arrived safely, I trust you'll be back at work tomorrow and you'll be in touch with Max Clifford shortly regarding a new celebrity career for the little 'uns. I think you might be in time to enter Britain's got Talent 
I hope you'll be procuring _banana sticks and my new and improved ambidextrous headcollar with patented Clunk Click Clip *for each child*??_

Click to expand...


I'm trying to keep abreast (no pun intended) of all things equine and kiddine, but I think that lot over on Mumsnet would have something to say about kids wearing headcollars, even if they do feature the Clunk Click Clip... And what if they don't like bananas?


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## skewbald_again (27 April 2011)

Dear PF
I wonder if you could help me with something I am not quite understanding.

I am going to turn my horse out tomorrow, I do this sometimes, although not that often as to be honest it's a bit chilly and the last time I tried to weave my way through the electric tape maze to our bit of turnout I was missing for four days and they had to send out the helicopter.

Anyway, my horse is a cob, aged 14, by Brick Shithouse, who you might remember won the horse the judge would most like to take home in the Nowheresville Summer Show in 1983.

When I have got all her rugs on, and knee boots and her mask and fly fringe and brushing boots and over reach boots and snuggy and hood, I am a bit concerned, as there is a little bit of her, I can't remember what it's called, but it's somewhere between her tail and her leg, which SHOWS.

My instructor says it doesn't matter if I plaster it with Ripoff Nobite, but YO says that Ripoff Nobite is crap, and as she is on BrainDed to calm her down, we shouldn't really use it.

Can you help?


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## LeneHorse (28 April 2011)

solly3066 said:



			Please help...   I've booked in for my cesearean in three weeks time but have now realised this clashes with my dressage time on the same day!!  I really don't want to miss my time as it may be the last time I get to ride for a while (pony is 35 years old and bit doddery now but can still do fairly decent 20m circle despite being blind on the left side).

Do you think it would be awfully rude to ask for a later time so I can be out of the hospital in time to hop on?  My friend has very kindly offered to warm up the pony for me.

Not sure of the etiquette in these sort of things.

Many thanks
		
Click to expand...

Sorry but it is totally against BD rules to have someone warm your ponio up for you. Just have the sprog early then it can call for you and hold your ponio afterwards while you are enjoying a well earned refreshment in the tea bar.
PS For the sake of your stitches I suggest you conduct your test in rising rather than sitting trot.


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## popstar (29 April 2011)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=T4HRkAwN_oA

Mwahahaha!


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## PapaFrita (30 April 2011)

brighteyes said:



			I'm trying to keep abreast (no pun intended) of all things equine and kiddine, but I think that lot over on Mumsnet would have something to say about kids wearing headcollars, even if they do feature the Clunk Click Clip... And what if they don't like bananas?
		
Click to expand...

But Huggly Headcollars are so versatile that they double as kiddie harnesses. I've thought of everything 
If they don't like bananas I can provide an applestick


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## brighteyes (30 April 2011)

Phew!  Sorted!   Your superior knowledge and ability to answer all questions overwhelms me -  cheque in the post.  I am so grateful *_bows very low_*


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## PapaFrita (30 April 2011)

skewbald_again said:



			Dear PF
I wonder if you could help me with something I am not quite understanding.

I am going to turn my horse out tomorrow, I do this sometimes, although not that often as to be honest it's a bit chilly and the last time I tried to weave my way through the electric tape maze to our bit of turnout I was missing for four days and they had to send out the helicopter.

Anyway, my horse is a cob, aged 14, by Brick Shithouse, who you might remember won the horse the judge would most like to take home in the Nowheresville Summer Show in 1983.

When I have got all her rugs on, and knee boots and her mask and fly fringe and brushing boots and over reach boots and snuggy and hood, I am a bit concerned, as there is a little bit of her, I can't remember what it's called, but it's somewhere between her tail and her leg, which SHOWS.

My instructor says it doesn't matter if I plaster it with Ripoff Nobite, but YO says that Ripoff Nobite is crap, and as she is on BrainDed to calm her down, we shouldn't really use it.

Can you help?
		
Click to expand...

Well what you're wanting is my patented Bit-between-the-tail-and-leg protector. It's made of my patented Ripoff'n'useless microfibre mesh and costs £2500. I know people say that horses should be out as much as possible, and I agree, but there's no good reason for not leaving them properly covered up. It's just not decent for them to be fully NEKKID!! *blush*


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## PapaFrita (30 April 2011)

LeneHorse said:



			Sorry but it is totally against BD rules to have someone warm your ponio up for you. Just have the sprog early then it can call for you and hold your ponio afterwards while you are enjoying a well earned refreshment in the tea bar.
PS For the sake of your stitches I suggest you conduct your test in rising rather than sitting trot.
		
Click to expand...

Dang. You're good at this!!


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## PapaFrita (30 April 2011)

popstar said:



https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=T4HRkAwN_oA

Mwahahaha!
		
Click to expand...

Funny, yet scary because so much of it is true...


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## PapaFrita (30 April 2011)

brighteyes said:



			Phew!  Sorted!   Your superior knowledge and ability to answer all questions overwhelms me -  cheque in the post.  I am so grateful *_bows very low_*
		
Click to expand...


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## Kokopelli (21 July 2011)

Sorry to drag this old thread up again PF but I have a serious problem.

My horse is too small for dressage do you think I could give him miracle grow? Also he's not dark enough will hair dye work? 

P.S Have you got an instructional videos on using miracle grow and hair dye? 







(Thought this forum was getting a bit nasty so a resurrection of this thread would be a nice change)


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## PapaFrita (22 July 2011)

Kokopelli said:



			Sorry to drag this old thread up again PF but I have a serious problem.

My horse is too small for dressage do you think I could give him miracle grow? Also he's not dark enough will hair dye work? 

P.S Have you got an instructional videos on using miracle grow and hair dye? 

(Thought this forum was getting a bit nasty so a resurrection of this thread would be a nice change) 

Click to expand...

LOL, OK, here goes...
Are you quite sure it's your horse that's too small and not you that's too 'curvy'? I suggest you feed you horse lots because if he's Pleasantly Plump then you'll look very petite in comparison. Also, a huge crest will make him look as if he's in an outline, so it's a win-win situation. I'm afraid him not being dark enough is a huge problem that must be overcome at all costs or you will NEVER get the percentages you obviously deserve. This can, to a point be counterbalanced by buying lots of blingy tack and sheepskin, but if you're serious about dressage then you WILL have to dye your horse black. Fortunately I have a range of Huggly Horsey Hues for dressage riders. The available colours are Black, Very Black, Pitch Black and Totilas Black. These come as standard with my instructional Huggly Horsemanship DVDs and tack, at £10,000. Bargain.


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## D66 (22 July 2011)

I need a pearly matchy matchy set (for the Olympics next year). How many HHO peeps will I require to sew pearly buttons on a numnah, rug, my jacket and hat cover in time for the opening ceremony?  Will I need to glue them on the lorry?
Oh and will the lifts be working in the Greenwich foot tunnel in time or will I have to train my ponio to go down and up the stairs?


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## tallyho! (6 January 2012)

Thank goodness I found this thread again because I have a small problem....

Do you think roast pony shank goes with onion gravy??? Only people have started talking about eating their ponies and I figure if I could fatten up my tb in time for xmas, it would be wise to look up some recipes......


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## PapaFrita (6 January 2012)

digger66 said:



			I need a pearly matchy matchy set (for the Olympics next year). How many HHO peeps will I require to sew pearly buttons on a numnah, rug, my jacket and hat cover in time for the opening ceremony?  Will I need to glue them on the lorry?
Oh and will the lifts be working in the Greenwich foot tunnel in time or will I have to train my ponio to go down and up the stairs?

Click to expand...

I'm sorry for my delay in replying. It was because my head exploded 
In order to get your matchy done in time you will need all the dressage divas on HHO to help sew and stick pearly buttons on your lorry. The SJers and Eventers won't be any help at all although they can probably be counted on to point and laugh.
Good luck with the stairs!!


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## PapaFrita (6 January 2012)

tallyhohoho said:



			Thank goodness I found this thread again because I have a small problem....

Do you think roast pony shank goes with onion gravy??? Only people have started talking about eating their ponies and I figure if I could fatten up my tb in time for xmas, it would be wise to look up some recipes......
		
Click to expand...

Yummm, onion gravy sounds perfect. Lots of thyme or rosemary I think would go well. Don't forget the potatoes and brussels sprouts. Get feeding up now!! Will take AGES to get your TB fat enough.


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## mik (6 January 2012)

as an x eventer I can confirm our clique is excellent at pointing and laughing- PMSL


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## Vetwrap (6 January 2012)

mik said:



			as an x eventer I can confirm our clique is excellent at pointing and laughing- PMSL
		
Click to expand...

Multi-tasking??? Steady on!


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## tallyho! (6 January 2012)

PapaFrita said:



			Yummm, onion gravy sounds perfect. Lots of thyme or rosemary I think would go well. Don't forget the potatoes and brussels sprouts. Get feeding up now!! Will take AGES to get your TB fat enough. 

Click to expand...

Corn fed??


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## Bettyboo222 (6 January 2012)

I all need your help  I really think the pony I ride (shetland) should be jumping 1m30tracks but my instructor said this is too big, surely that isn't right as they would jump higher than that in the wild


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## Fantasy_World (6 January 2012)

PapaFrita said:



			Or too small...
No need to bother with 'experts' that might not tell you what you want to hear, or, God forbid, charge you for the priviledge of their many many years of experience. I have an innate understanding of exactly what you need to hear to assuage any creeping feeling of doubt or guilt.

Here's a question I received earlier;

"Dear PF,
I've got a 20 year-old mare whom I've owned for 16 years. She's jumped grade A and produced several wonderful foals. I now think she's getting on a bit; a bit creaky and her supplements cost a bomb. I don't want to have to fork out for her to end her days peacefully in a field, loved and pampered, rewarded for many years of service. Can I sell her on as a broodie? I think someone can squeeze a couple of foals out of her and then I can make a bit of money on her and not have to be out of pocket for her retirement.

I'manidiot"


Dear I'manidiot
Yes, of course you should sell her on. There is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't make a few bob after all the money you've spent on her over the years. Vaccinations, shoes, worming, hay/feed, rugs, tack... all add up over the years and if she ends up with someone who doesn't want to fork out for veteran care and she ends up in neglected, abused or starved and she gets traced back to you, you can always write a book about what a wonderful horse she was and how you love her so much.
Result!!


Another letter from a concerned onwer;

"Dear PF,
My 17hh gelding has recurrent lameness issues, in fact he hasn't been sound for over a year. The vet says he should have scans, but I haven't got insurance and can't afford it. Also he's getting thin and I I'm a bit worried about my feed bill over the winter. What can I do? I don't want to sell him as he's lame, can he go as a companion?

Shouldn'townahorse"



Dear Should'ntownahorse
Yes, of course he can. No matter that small, young ponies that live on air are going for pennies at market, SOMEONE will want to take on your huge poor-doer as a companion and won't mind paying for the extra feed and rugs he'll need coming into winter. I know some people will tell you that some unscrupulous people will bute him up and sell him on before you even have time to blow your nose and wipe that single tear off your cheek, but don't listen to them. That hardly EVER happens.



One more; 

"Dear PF
My mare rushes fences with her head in the air. The fences are about 20cms. She's been like this for 4 years (was like this with her previous owner) and her only speed is warp. What can I do to slow her down? Can I use draw-reins? I've been riding for 2 weeks and can almost do rising trot.

Speeddemon"

Dear Speeddemon
Yes, definitely use draw reins and also the strongest bit you can find; a pelham with just one rein (bottom ring!) should do the trick. If you can put it on upside down, it's even more effective. Don't forget to strap her mouth shut with a flash or grakle, fitted just above the nostrils and use a standing martingale. Attach the martingale to the flash (bottom strap) for maximum effect.




Last one for now;

"Dear PF,
I've got a 15 year-old mare who is unsound and dangerous. Her previous owner was a very experienced rider who had taken her on as a project she but gave up when the mare bolted into traffic and threw her into the path of a car, breaking both legs, 4 ribs, her collarbone and sustaining a hairline fracture of the skull. She has to be stabled because she jumps out of every field she's in and is costing me a fortune in fence repairs and boredom toys. She's got no papers and has never so much as caught a glimpse of a showground but she can obviously jump, right? Should I breed from her?

WTFamIthinking"



Dear WTFamIthinking,
Yes! Definitely breed from her. I'm sure you could make a few bob from a foal. Since she's not got any papers herself, I wouldn't bother getting a registered stallion. Just get a coloured stally as coloureds are very popular at the moment!! I know established breeders are struggling to sell beautiful, well-mannered, papered youngstock at the moment, but clearly your mare is SUPER talented and you'll sell the foal easily. Don't worry about her temperament; anyone who knows about horses will overlook the 'quirkiness' in favour of the super-talent your foal will inevitably have, and he might not inherit the soundness issues, so I wouldn't worry about that either.
Also, although breeding CAN be expensive, if you find a young, unregistered stallion it'll cost almost nothing at all and there's no need for scans or the vet during pregnancy or foaling; She'll pop it out no worries at all.


Anyone wanting advice need only ask  Satisfaction guaranteed
		
Click to expand...

Brilliant PF just brilliant, I love them and in many cases they are so true are they not?


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## PapaFrita (6 January 2012)

mik said:



			as an x eventer I can confirm our clique is excellent at pointing and laughing- PMSL
		
Click to expand...

Yep, I know it


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## PapaFrita (6 January 2012)

tallyhohoho said:



			Corn fed??
		
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Yep... if you want your steak golden yellow....


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## PapaFrita (6 January 2012)

Christmas_Fairy said:



			I all need your help  I really think the pony I ride (shetland) should be jumping 1m30tracks but my instructor said this is too big, surely that isn't right as they would jump higher than that in the wild
		
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You're right. Your instructor is holding you back. Probably jealous. Get some lessons with a decent instructor, or better stilll, get my DVDs; How to Jump Your Height, 1-15. Only £25,050.


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## PapaFrita (6 January 2012)

Fantasy_World said:



			Brilliant PF just brilliant, I love them and in many cases they are so true are they not?
		
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Sadly. Yes.


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## tallyho! (7 January 2012)

My horse, is so bloody rude!! 

Are there any horsemanship exercises I can do to curtail his constant swearing?


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## black_horse (7 January 2012)

Tallyho have you tried Ritalin? Feed him Ritalin and gob stoppers. He wont be able to swear then


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## tallyho! (7 January 2012)

Saint_Knickerless said:



			Tallyho have you tried Ritalin? Feed him Ritalin and gob stoppers. He wont be able to swear then
		
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Is it approved by huggly horsemanship???


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## mirage (7 January 2012)

Dear PF,

My mare is costing me a fortune in shoes.I was thinking of asking the farrier to put 2 shoes on each hoof next time,so that they won't wear down as quickly.It'll be sure to be cheaper don't you think?


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## LeneHorse (7 January 2012)

Lovely to see this thread ressurected! It has made my day.

Anyway, dear PF

I can't ride my horse just now as she is recovering from a virus. Should I eat her instead? I have finished all my xmas chocs and can't afford to go to the supermarket.  She is not on any meds and is lovely and plump.
Many thanks

Mrs Fatty, Glasgow


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## Natch (7 January 2012)

Dear PF,

I have been following a thread for a while now but I'm still no closer to knowing. Why DO people want to own cobs?


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## PapaFrita (7 January 2012)

Naturally said:



			Dear PF,

I have been following a thread for a while now but I'm still no closer to knowing. Why DO people want to own cobs?
		
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Simple; Because once they're too old/lame etc for riding, you can get more steaks from them than you can a TB


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## PapaFrita (7 January 2012)

tallyhohoho said:



			Is it approved by huggly horsemanship???
		
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Certainly not! *angry face* You need my dvd set; Totally Tackling Tourettes. Only £595.


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## Cadfael&Coffee (7 January 2012)

Oh I did miss this thread


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## PapaFrita (7 January 2012)

mirage said:



			Dear PF,

My mare is costing me a fortune in shoes.I was thinking of asking the farrier to put 2 shoes on each hoof next time,so that they won't wear down as quickly.It'll be sure to be cheaper don't you think?
		
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Yes, good idea. Also ask him if he's got any made of adamantium; strongest metal in the world. Then you won't have to worry about shoes ever again. Good luck and Feeel the Hugggles


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## CalllyH (7 January 2012)

Dear PF 

What's should I do this year? Think about getting a horse or stay sane, with a nice social life and nice clothes etc or get a horse, have no money and no social life? 

Thanks C


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## PapaFrita (7 January 2012)

LeneHorse said:



			Lovely to see this thread ressurected! It has made my day.

Anyway, dear PF

I can't ride my horse just now as she is recovering from a virus. Should I eat her instead? I have finished all my xmas chocs and can't afford to go to the supermarket.  She is not on any meds and is lovely and plump.
Many thanks

Mrs Fatty, Glasgow
		
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Yes, why not? Can't be hanging around for her to get better, and the weather's too rubbish to ride in. You can always get another when it gets warmer and drier  It'll save you a fortune in livery as well


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## PapaFrita (7 January 2012)

CalllyH said:



			Dear PF 

What's should I do this year? Think about getting a horse or stay sane, with a nice social life and nice clothes etc or get a horse, have no money and no social life? 

Thanks C
		
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Ooh, tough one. Welll, it's true that you will never be as skint, cold, tired, wet and muddy as when you have a horse, BUT on the other hand it's considered perfectly normal to play with whips, spurs, gags, tall boots and lots of things with leather straps... you could pursue a social life through S&M and ALSO have a horse. Result!!

ps: Forgot to say I have _special_ DVD set and... ahem...schooling aids, delivered in a discreet brown paper parcel available for £2995.


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## welsh horse rider (7 January 2012)

these are fantastic am crying with laughter...... my collegues in work are giving me very strange looks they are not horsy at all keep em coming oh and your replies papafrita are fab xx


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## CalllyH (7 January 2012)

That sounds good where do I send the cheque too? Problem solved,better get some practice in!


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## brighteyes (7 January 2012)

PapaFrita said:



			Ooh, tough one. Welll, it's true that you will never be as skint, cold, tired, wet and muddy as when you have a horse, BUT on the other hand it's considered perfectly normal to play with whips, spurs, gags, tall boots and lots of things with leather straps... you could pursue a social life through S&M and ALSO have a horse. Result!!

ps: Forgot to say I have _special_ DVD set and... ahem...schooling aids, delivered in a discreet brown paper parcel available for £2995. 

Click to expand...

Maybe now is a great time to mention *#All_the_leather_gear *(and lots of ideas) where I gather you can also be 'followed' by your ever-increasing number of devotees and converts?


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## ridefast (7 January 2012)

Dear PF
I have an old mare who hasn't been ridden in 3 years, I want to take her hunting next week, do you think she'll be fit enough to go all day? I know she'll be fast enough as she runs really fast across the field when I bring her food


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## PapaFrita (7 January 2012)

ChristmasCadfael&IrishCoffee said:



			Oh I did miss this thread 

Click to expand...

One day it might become as popular as Shils' cob thread


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## black_horse (7 January 2012)

Dear PF
I don't know what to do. My horse won't turn right! I took her to a garage and had indicators fitted to her bridle so I can warn her I want to turn right but she just goes straight on. My YO says I need a bit and reins but horses didn't have these in the wild!

Sincerely haventaclue


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## PapaFrita (7 January 2012)

welsh horse rider said:



			these are fantastic am crying with laughter...... my collegues in work are giving me very strange looks they are not horsy at all keep em coming oh and your replies papafrita are fab xx
		
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Hard to believe some people aren't taking it seriously, isn't it?


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## black_horse (7 January 2012)

Dear PF
I have an old mare who hasn't been ridden in 3 years, I want to take her hunting next week, do you think she'll be fit enough to go all day? I know she'll be fast enough as she runs really fast across the field when I bring her food
		
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You could feed her some pro plus and an expression shot. But I know from personal experience if you get her drunk first then she will be able to go all day (make sure you top her up though)


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## PapaFrita (7 January 2012)

brighteyes said:



			Maybe now is a great time to mention *#All_the_leather_gear *(and lots of ideas) where I gather you can also be 'followed' by your ever-increasing number of devotees and converts?   

Click to expand...

Thank you Brighteyes. Your commission is in the post  
And those little _trinkets_ you ordered


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## black_horse (7 January 2012)

Dee PF
My instructor says my horse and I have communication issues. So I bought her an iPhone an iPad and got her a Facebook but she never pokes me back or writes on my wall! I don't know what to do anymore


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## PapaFrita (7 January 2012)

ridefast said:



			Dear PF
I have an old mare who hasn't been ridden in 3 years, I want to take her hunting next week, do you think she'll be fit enough to go all day? I know she'll be fast enough as she runs really fast across the field when I bring her food
		
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Yes, no problem. She'll be fit from wandering around grazing and, of course, running up to you for food.


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## PapaFrita (7 January 2012)

Saint_Knickerless said:



			Dear PF
I don't know what to do. My horse won't turn right! I took her to a garage and had indicators fitted to her bridle so I can warn her I want to turn right but she just goes straight on. My YO says I need a bit and reins but horses didn't have these in the wild!

Sincerely haventaclue
		
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I do hope you're not riding your horse! This is most unnatural. It's quite alright to put headcollars on them, wave ropes in their face, clunk them on the head with heavy clips and poke and prod them with banana sticks, but QUITE another to be getting on!!
I'm quite shocked. Need a lie down in a darkened room


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## black_horse (7 January 2012)

PapaFrita said:



			I do hope you're not riding your horse! This is most unnatural. It's quite alright to put headcollars on them, wave ropes in their face, clunk them on the head with heavy clips and poke and prod them with banana sticks, but QUITE another to be getting on!!
I'm quite shocked. Need a lie down in a darkened room
		
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I'm sorry  but i saw it on TV and thought it would be ok? I do throw vegetables at her often though. Cabbages are my fav, they make her run really fast if i hit her in the head!


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## Flicker (7 January 2012)

Apparently 'riding' is ok if you do it with no saddle or bridle... Well, that is what the lady on our yard says who has just bought a two year old cob. I have not seen her 'ride' it yet, although I am dearly looking forward to it, as are all the other liveries on the yard 
I think the cob is looking forward to being 'ridden' too, and judging by the height he can get his back legs up, I think he is really going to enjoy the experience.


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## PapaFrita (7 January 2012)

Flicker said:



			Apparently 'riding' is ok if you do it with no saddle or bridle... Well, that is what the lady on our yard says who has just bought a two year old cob. I have not seen her 'ride' it yet, although I am dearly looking forward to it, as are all the other liveries on the yard 
I think the cob is looking forward to being 'ridden' too, and judging by the height he can get his back legs up, I think he is really going to enjoy the experience.
		
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Two words. You Tube 
Don't forget your camera


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## PapaFrita (7 January 2012)

Saint_Knickerless said:



			I'm sorry  but i saw it on TV and thought it would be ok? I do throw vegetables at her often though. Cabbages are my fav, they make her run really fast if i hit her in the head!
		
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*Clutches head* She's not a blinking coconut shy!! Clunking on the head should only be done with a heavy clip attached to one of my patented whatchamacallit headcollars. 
If you're going to watch something, then you should get my ENTIRE DVD collection, for a mere £140,500. See if that knocks (see what I did there? ) some sense into you.


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## black_horse (7 January 2012)

PapaFrita said:



			*Clutches head* She's not a blinking coconut shy!! Clunking on the head should only be done with a heavy clip attached to one of my patented whatchamacallit headcollars. 
If you're going to watch something, then you should get my ENTIRE DVD collection, for a mere £140,500. See if that knocks (see what I did there? ) some sense into you.
		
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can i pay by installments of £0.000001 per year?


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## PapaFrita (7 January 2012)

Saint_Knickerless said:



			can i pay by installments of £0.000001 per year?
		
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It is perfectly obvious from your reply that you're not interested in the least in your horse's wellbeing. I have notified the RSPCA and they will be responding immediately. Therefore, you have 3 years to get your act together or ELSE!!


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## black_horse (7 January 2012)

PapaFrita said:



			It is perfectly obvious from your reply that you're not interested in the least in your horse's wellbeing. I have notified the RSPCA and they will be responding immediately. Therefore, you have 3 years to get your act together or ELSE!!
		
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you tealeaf! :O  should have known better 

I think you are a troll PF, i mean, you have only posted over 24k times, and all include pictures of your horse (clearly stolen images from google images) is this what comes up when you google 'the donkey in shrek'?.... 

Troll get back under your bridge, unless you have done the BHS goldgoldgold scheme and climbed mount everest you have no right to impart adivce onto hapless owners.  

I get the feeling you are not taking our issues seriously. Hang your head in shame!


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## PapaFrita (7 January 2012)

Saint_Knickerless said:



			you tealeaf! :O  should have known better 

I think you are a troll PF, i mean, you have only posted over 24k times, and all include pictures of your horse (clearly stolen images from google images) is this what comes up when you google 'the donkey in shrek'?.... 

Troll get back under your bridge, unless you have done the BHS goldgoldgold scheme and climbed mount everest you have no right to impart adivce onto hapless owners.  

I get the feeling you are not taking our issues seriously. Hang your head in shame!
		
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Ooops. Rumbled. I've actually been keeping a low profile; I do, in fact, own a PRE stallion trained to GP, who also SJs Grade A and Events to 4*. You probably saw me at WEG in all 3 disciplines. I'm just too modest to tell the truth...


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## black_horse (7 January 2012)

PapaFrita said:



			Ooops. Rumbled. I've actually been keeping a low profile; I do, in fact, own a PRE stallion trained to GP, who also SJs Grade A and Events to 4*. You probably saw me at WEG in all 3 disciplines. I'm just too modest to tell the truth...
		
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oh thats ok then, you probably saw me too...i was the one beating you in all three disciplines


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## Flicker (7 January 2012)

PapaFrita said:



			Ooops. Rumbled. I've actually been keeping a low profile; I do, in fact, own a PRE stallion trained to GP, who also SJs Grade A and Events to 4*. You probably saw me at WEG in all 3 disciplines. I'm just too modest to tell the truth...
		
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Aha!!! Foiled PF - you do 'ride' after all! But... Do you wear a hat? I am guessing that, if you have GP level stallions you don't because it is a scientific fact that wearing a hat prevents you from doing proper dressage.


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## Flicker (7 January 2012)

Saint_Knickerless said:



			oh thats ok then, you probably saw me too...i was the one beating you in all three disciplines 

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Hahahahahahahaha


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## black_horse (7 January 2012)

Flicker said:



			Aha!!! Foiled PF - you do 'ride' after all! But... Do you wear a hat? I am guessing that, if you have GP level stallions you don't because it is a scientific fact that wearing a hat prevents you from doing proper dressage.
		
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its well known that if you are doing GP your horse doesnt prat around like normal horses so you dont need one


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## Flicker (7 January 2012)

Saint_Knickerless said:



			its well known that if you are doing GP your horse doesnt prat around like normal horses so you dont need one
		
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Ohhhhh.....


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## PapaFrita (7 January 2012)

Saint_Knickerless said:



			oh thats ok then, you probably saw me too...i was the one beating you in all three disciplines 

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No no no, I didn't compete in the trotting race, sack race or egg and spoon race *rolls eyes*


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## black_horse (7 January 2012)

PapaFrita said:



			No no no, I didn't compete in the trotting race, sack race or egg and spoon race *rolls eyes*
		
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From what i saw you bearly competed in the dressage, sjing and eventing! Did you get the £250 off you've been framed???


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## black_horse (7 January 2012)

Flicker said:



			Ohhhhh.....
		
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do you feel learned?


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## horsesatemymoney (7 January 2012)

Dear PF,

I've got a one year old section a, that people say is really pretty, but that I am too heavy for? Is this the case, as I only weigh 17 stone? Sometimes, my pony rears so I can't be that heavy, and I've started to ride in draw reins, spurs and carry a lunge whip- ponio is going much better in his pelham, flash and martingale. 
I'm practising really hard, riding at least twice a day, and as I've heard ponio can get fat, I only feed two slices of hay a week. I don't have a field as ponio gets dirty. As summer is around the corner, what classes should I enter? I've heard of something called 'mounted games?' would I be ok in that? 
Thanks PF


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## PapaFrita (7 January 2012)

Flicker said:



			Aha!!! Foiled PF - you do 'ride' after all! But... Do you wear a hat? I am guessing that, if you have GP level stallions you don't because it is a scientific fact that wearing a hat prevents you from doing proper dressage.
		
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Well of course _I'm_ allowed to ride because I'm a top class Huggly Horsemanship practitioner. For this same reason I am SO in tune with my horses that they wouldn't dream of doing anything that might cause me any injury of any sort, so of course I don't wear a hat. I'm so safe, in fact, that I wear a bikini and flipflops all year.
Also, I would like to state that my particular kind of dressage is so revolutionary and advanced, that there is hardly any point in me competing because most judges (except those who have embraced the Huggly System) just don't _get_ it... I still like to get out there, of course, to _inspire_ people 
*gives off golden glow*


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## black_horse (7 January 2012)

horsesatemymoney said:



			Dear PF,

I've got a one year old section a, that people say is really pretty, but that I am too heavy for? Is this the case, as I only weigh 17 stone? Sometimes, my pony rears so I can't be that heavy, and I've started to ride in draw reins, spurs and carry a lunge whip- ponio is going much better in his pelham, flash and martingale. 
I'm practising really hard, riding at least twice a day, and as I've heard ponio can get fat, I only feed two slices of hay a week. I don't have a field as ponio gets dirty. As summer is around the corner, what classes should I enter? I've heard of something called 'mounted games?' would I be ok in that? 
Thanks PF
		
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Mounted games is really good, its great playing need for speed on the PS3 whilst riding your horse, but mario kart on the wii is really hard :/. you will have to practice lots


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## PapaFrita (7 January 2012)

Saint_Knickerless said:



			From what i saw you bearly competed in the dressage, sjing and eventing! Did you get the £250 off you've been framed???
		
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You're so jealous. Green doesn't suit you, you know


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## Ranyhyn (7 January 2012)

Dear PF

I can't ride very well - should I get lessons?

Yours 

CC


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## PapaFrita (7 January 2012)

Christmassy_Clover said:



			Dear PF

I can't ride very well - should I get lessons?

Yours 

CC
		
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No, you shouldn't be riding at all until you are top class Huggly Horsemanship practitioner. You must start watching all my DVDs straight away so that you can achieve perfect natural harmony and understanding with your horse.


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## Ranyhyn (7 January 2012)

Oh ok.  Thing is, I don't have my own horse  - should I still spend £££ on your kit?


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## PapaFrita (7 January 2012)

Christmassy_Clover said:



			Oh ok.  Thing is, I don't have my own horse  - should I still spend £££ on your kit?
		
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Yes. Then you will be properly prepared for when you DO have a horse. Also, you won't actually have to RIDE in order to learn to ride; my DVDs are THAT good. You'll be able to hop on a horse in 10-12 years and ride at top level.


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## Ranyhyn (7 January 2012)

On your programme that means I'll be spending around $149.00 dollars a month plus the once a year subscription fee where I get a free stick.
Sounds like a steal when I will be winning medals when I'm 50! Thanks PF, is it right to now force my opinion on others and try and get them to follow the ENLIGHTENED ROAD now?


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## black_horse (7 January 2012)

Help PF, ive run out of feed and cant pay my water bill so its been cut off, if i feed my horse lucozade will this give her the liquid and fuel she needs to compete in a 5 mile steeplechase?


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## arizonahoney (7 January 2012)

PF, could you please venture out of your comfort zone and into the Hunting forum? FourBurrow is deeply in need of your help


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## horsesatemymoney (7 January 2012)

Saint_Knickerless said:



			Help PF, ive run out of feed and cant pay my water bill so its been cut off, if i feed my horse lucozade will this give her the liquid and fuel she needs to compete in a 5 mile steeplechase?
		
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Thanks for your advice, I can help you with this, having been in a similar positon myself. You don't need to feed your horse anyway, it's cruel, so put this towards your water bill. Don't rush to get that connected quickly though, put the money towards some matchy-matchy gear- your horse will like it better. Lucozade is good, but I'd also slip her a pro plus, just to give her an edge. You'll easily manage 10 miles, and win


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## black_horse (7 January 2012)

Thank you for the advice. I can afford pro plus will paracetamol do?


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## ridefast (7 January 2012)

Dear PF, I just got a new horse, everyone says I should keep him separate from my mare but they seem really happy together - she keeps giving him piggy back rides. Is this wrong? Also if I try to go near my mare he runs at me with ears back and teeth bared, everyone says he's being aggressive but surely he's just smiling and running towards me for a hug? How can I train him to be more gentle I don't want to go back to hospital today?


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## ClassicG&T (7 January 2012)

ridefast said:



			Dear PF, I just got a new horse, everyone says I should keep him separate from my mare but they seem really happy together - she keeps giving him piggy back rides. Is this wrong? Also if I try to go near my mare he runs at me with ears back and teeth bared, everyone says he's being aggressive but surely he's just smiling and running towards me for a hug? How can I train him to be more gentle I don't want to go back to hospital today?
		
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im howling with laughter. water sprayed all over screen, brilliant!


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## PapaFrita (7 January 2012)

ridefast said:



			Dear PF, I just got a new horse, everyone says I should keep him separate from my mare but they seem really happy together - she keeps giving him piggy back rides. Is this wrong? Also if I try to go near my mare he runs at me with ears back and teeth bared, everyone says he's being aggressive but surely he's just smiling and running towards me for a hug? How can I train him to be more gentle I don't want to go back to hospital today?
		
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I expect your mare is a bit tired if she needs piggy back rides. As long as your new horse doesn't seem to mind, there's no harm being done.
As for the grinning, not to worry. Stuff a carrot, or perhaps something larger- a yam?- in his mouth as he approaches. This will make him love you because no horse can resist someone who treats them all the time, and will also keep his strength up to carry your mare.
Feel the huggles


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## Vetwrap (7 January 2012)

Saint_Knickerless said:



			Thank you for the advice. I can afford pro plus will paracetamol do?
		
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Red Bull??? Couple of cans should do it.


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## Vetwrap (7 January 2012)

PapaFrita said:



			I expect your mare is a bit tired if she needs piggy back rides. As long as your new horse doesn't seem to mind, there's no harm being done.
As for the grinning, not to worry. Stuff a carrot, or perhaps something larger- a yam?- in his mouth as he approaches. This will make him love you because no horse can resist someone who treats them all the time, and will also keep his strength up to carry your mare.
Feel the huggles 

Click to expand...

Would a marrow work?


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## PapaFrita (7 January 2012)

Vetwrap said:



			Would a marrow work?


Click to expand...

As long as your horse likes eating marrows


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## CalllyH (7 January 2012)

Hello, dear PF I have another question it's not horsey but you said anything so here goes.......

Is cliff Richard a bum bandit or not?? 

Thanks, yours kindly 

Caz


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## hackedoff (8 January 2012)

What a relief to find this thread. I'm at my wits end I have purchased a seriously talented piece of horse flesh of a reptuable vendor from Unicorn Carriages website. I'm as thrilled. It did seem a lot of money to spend in these cash strapped times but I got together from my christmas money to invest and have been able to buy the horse of a life time. 

The dealer I bought him of was very through in asking what I was looking for. TBH I had thought of dabbling in driving, dressage, hunting, endurance but mainly showing so I was thrilled when he said he had a pony who could do all of this and look in proportion with me at 6.2' and 17 stone.

I am told that his M&M Ticket for hoys will follow in the post with his pasport. I'm sure to wipe the board with him. 

Clyde  is 17.2HH, bay with lots of white and with stunning movement especially the side ways scopping at the front and distinctive cross legging behind. 

Infact the guy I bought him of said ' the judges will be astounded' and assurred me he is a true native breed.

But my problem is what do I do with him after what will clearly be a successful M&M showing career? 

He is very good at trotting very slowly and we often don't move from the same spot, so I guess dressage as he clearly can already piaffe? I am thinking of developing him via classical methods and looking for a suitable trainer as the local trainer clearly hasn't a clue. Said Clyde's rings around his pasterns will make it difficult for him to flex and that he is lame. Idiot , just because a persons long listed for the olympic squad. He clearly had no idea about an M&M'S breed traits.

Also can you help me deal with the bitchyness from my fellow liveries who keep calling him ' my cart horse'?

Thanks in advance

Ispeakthehorseylingobuthaventaclueatall


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## PapaFrita (8 January 2012)

CalllyH said:



			Hello, dear PF I have another question it's not horsey but you said anything so here goes.......

Is cliff Richard a bum bandit or not?? 

Thanks, yours kindly 

Caz
		
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All I know about Cliff who, incidentally, is not a Top Level Huggly Practitioner, is that he's on his Summer Holiday with the Young Ones and a Living Doll. Nuff said.


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## LeneHorse (8 January 2012)

Today's challenge - let's see if we can beat the 1000 replies barrier on this thread - c'mon guys - get posting now   

I'll start -

Dear PF

Thanks for your excellent reply yesterday. I decided it was a bit drastic to eat my whole mare so just took a couple of steaks off her rump instead. My question is - will the hair grow back as I want to do showing this summer. I have been told she'd do well in the fat hunter class but if she's got nasty scars she'll get marked down won't she 

Many thanks
Glasgow fatty.


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## SamanthaUK (8 January 2012)

Dear PF,

I accidentally bought a horse because they told me it was an eventer. I was told it was 16.3hh yet when meassured it was 13hh.. I was told it was 5 years old yet it's 30 oh and it's in foal.
I don't know what to do, I mean I only bought it so I could go jumping for 8 hours a day at about 6 foot. Unfortunately it's now living in my bedroom as I have no were to keep it. My mum doesn't know it's there and it's leaving an awful smell in my room..

What should I do? It's no use to me and it's eating my curtains.

HELP?! :}

KeepDreamingKiddo


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## angrovestud (8 January 2012)

Dear PapaFrita I am writing to you as I know this will cause me endless nights of lost sleep if our coloured foals dont come out with the right patches either side of their bodies is it permissable to paint new patches so they will be more desirable for the disconcerning coloured horse show person I believe B & Q do offer great season bargins, and that I might dabble in metalic sheens,via hammerite, and add the colour pink to the white bits as an embelishment I welcome your thoughts on these designer colour ideas?


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## wtdnh131 (8 January 2012)

Dear PR 

i went to the sales yesterday and bought myself a lovely bay horse as i wanted to do some showing and hopefully qualify and win at HOYS this year, when i got home my YM told me to take the horse back because it is ewe necked, cow hocked and parrot mouthed, i think the horse looks wonderful and i cant understand why she thinks the horse is a cross between a sheep, parrot and cow as she is clearly a horse to me!!! i think she would get top prize in the ridden classes at hoys, will you please reply so i can show her she is wrong? 

haventgotaconformationclue


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## brighteyes (8 January 2012)

PapaFrita said:



			Thank you Brighteyes. Your commission is in the post  
And those little _trinkets_ you ordered 

Click to expand...







  *coughs nervously*


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## Merrymoles (8 January 2012)

Dear PF
I got a lovely new piebald at the sales but my friends say she is cow hocked. I am worried that she has a very large udder and that it might get in the way when we are jumping 1.30m. She also has a very short but wide head and a strange whinny. She also seems to be growing horns. Do you think we'd be better sticking with hunter trials?


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## wtdnh131 (8 January 2012)

moleskinsmum said:



			Dear PF
I got a lovely new piebald at the sales but my friends say she is cow hocked. I am worried that she has a very large udder and that it might get in the way when we are jumping 1.30m. She also has a very short but wide head and a strange whinny. She also seems to be growing horns. Do you think we'd be better sticking with hunter trials?
		
Click to expand...

i have that worry with my bay too, he has started growing horns, oh well at least they match his beak


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## D66 (8 January 2012)

As children's school shoes are so expensive I have decided that all five of my offspring should go barefoot.  

Do I need a specialist to rollover their toenails?


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## ridefast (8 January 2012)

Dear PF, I am really concerned about the horses next door. Not one of them has a rug, they spend hours out in a huge field and the owner takes them for rides every day. They are far too thin as I can feel their ribs. Who should I call?
Also I tried giving my grinning horse a water melon but he just threw me in the air, trampled me, kicked me, and eventually the local farmer shot him and took me to hospital. I am very upset as my horse was seriously talented and could have made it onto the gymnastic olympic squad - He would do back flips if I tried to lead him anywhere. I want to sue the farmer, how much do you think I could get out of him?


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## PapaFrita (8 January 2012)

hackedoff said:



			What a relief to find this thread. I'm at my wits end I have purchased a seriously talented piece of horse flesh of a reptuable vendor from Unicorn Carriages website. I'm as thrilled. It did seem a lot of money to spend in these cash strapped times but I got together from my christmas money to invest and have been able to buy the horse of a life time. 

The dealer I bought him of was very through in asking what I was looking for. TBH I had thought of dabbling in driving, dressage, hunting, endurance but mainly showing so I was thrilled when he said he had a pony who could do all of this and look in proportion with me at 6.2' and 17 stone.

I am told that his M&M Ticket for hoys will follow in the post with his pasport. I'm sure to wipe the board with him. 

Clyde  is 17.2HH, bay with lots of white and with stunning movement especially the side ways scopping at the front and distinctive cross legging behind. 

Infact the guy I bought him of said ' the judges will be astounded' and assurred me he is a true native breed.

But my problem is what do I do with him after what will clearly be a successful M&M showing career? 

He is very good at trotting very slowly and we often don't move from the same spot, so I guess dressage as he clearly can already piaffe? I am thinking of developing him via classical methods and looking for a suitable trainer as the local trainer clearly hasn't a clue. Said Clyde's rings around his pasterns will make it difficult for him to flex and that he is lame. Idiot , just because a persons long listed for the olympic squad. He clearly had no idea about an M&M'S breed traits.

Also can you help me deal with the bitchyness from my fellow liveries who keep calling him ' my cart horse'?

Thanks in advance

Ispeakthehorseylingobuthaventaclueatall
		
Click to expand...

There will always be naysayers in the equestrian world, jealous types obviously, who will try to quash your hopes, dreams and aspirations. Some of them hide behind lots of 'results', World Champion this, gold medal that.... Not a single Huggly Horsemanship practictioner. Basically, they got where they are by trampling on the little guy... 
Luckily for you, I have a set of DVDs and schooling paraphernalia that will enable you to train your horse to GP dressage with your MIND!! I kid you not!!! You will be able to THINK your way to GP. Course, if you can't think then we might get a bit stuck, HOWEVER, you must buy the entire set at £35,000 and prove all the naysayers wrong.
And if that doesn't work... big horse like that... get a lot of steak


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## PapaFrita (8 January 2012)

LeneHorse said:



			Today's challenge - let's see if we can beat the 1000 replies barrier on this thread - c'mon guys - get posting now   

I'll start -

Dear PF

Thanks for your excellent reply yesterday. I decided it was a bit drastic to eat my whole mare so just took a couple of steaks off her rump instead. My question is - will the hair grow back as I want to do showing this summer. I have been told she'd do well in the fat hunter class but if she's got nasty scars she'll get marked down won't she 

Many thanks
Glasgow fatty.
		
Click to expand...

How foolish of you to take the bits off the rump! Now she'll never be fat enough to show. You'll just have to eat the rest of her.


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## PapaFrita (8 January 2012)

SamanthaUK said:



			Dear PF,

I accidentally bought a horse because they told me it was an eventer. I was told it was 16.3hh yet when meassured it was 13hh.. I was told it was 5 years old yet it's 30 oh and it's in foal.
I don't know what to do, I mean I only bought it so I could go jumping for 8 hours a day at about 6 foot. Unfortunately it's now living in my bedroom as I have no were to keep it. My mum doesn't know it's there and it's leaving an awful smell in my room..

What should I do? It's no use to me and it's eating my curtains.

HELP?! :}

KeepDreamingKiddo
		
Click to expand...

Accidents happen. I've given this dilemma a lot thought and have only 2 words to say. Pony Pie.
Feel the huggles


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## PapaFrita (8 January 2012)

angrovestud said:



			Dear PapaFrita I am writing to you as I know this will cause me endless nights of lost sleep if our coloured foals dont come out with the right patches either side of their bodies is it permissable to paint new patches so they will be more desirable for the disconcerning coloured horse show person I believe B & Q do offer great season bargins, and that I might dabble in metalic sheens,via hammerite, and add the colour pink to the white bits as an embelishment I welcome your thoughts on these designer colour ideas?
		
Click to expand...

Yes, definitely paint the patches in.  A horse is worth NOTHING if it's not of an interesting colour. I do think you're right and metallic sheens are they way forward; you can say they're part Akhal Teke


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## PapaFrita (8 January 2012)

wtdnh131 said:



			Dear PR 

i went to the sales yesterday and bought myself a lovely bay horse as i wanted to do some showing and hopefully qualify and win at HOYS this year, when i got home my YM told me to take the horse back because it is ewe necked, cow hocked and parrot mouthed, i think the horse looks wonderful and i cant understand why she thinks the horse is a cross between a sheep, parrot and cow as she is clearly a horse to me!!! i think she would get top prize in the ridden classes at hoys, will you please reply so i can show her she is wrong? 

haventgotaconformationclue
		
Click to expand...

Pish posh, conformation matters not a jot if you can get your horse fat.. I mean _conditioned_ enough. Lots of lard should do the trick. Your YO is just jealous.


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## Fellewell (8 January 2012)

I have bought a top quality pony from a very nice man &#8216;over the border&#8217;. The pony was advertised as a six year old, bright bay gelding, placed every time out, HOYS potential, the lot. The man sent me a lovely photo with him standing on the pony&#8217;s back. I was instantly impressed and seriously wanted some of that standy-up equestrian action, despite my vertigo.
Anyway, I agreed to meet the dealer at midnight in a car park behind World of Leather just outside Shepton Mallet and handed over £22,000 in used notes. I saw nothing unusual in this, horse traders are often very busy people. He very kindly loaded the pony for me and sped off into the night, laughing his head off. He&#8217;s a jolly sort!

When I got home it was dawn and to my surprise I found a 28 year old flea bitten grey mare in the lorry and not a bay gelding. I phoned the man and he said it was not at all unusual for horses to change sex/colour and to age considerably during the journey.  He said this was due to stress and the quality of England&#8217;s polluted air. Naturally I accepted his explanation as I didn&#8217;t want to look like a novice.

I can&#8217;t wait to get started with my standy-up equestrianism and I hope you can answer a couple of questions. Firstly; where&#8217;s the best place to stand? Secondly; do I need a long balancing pole? And thirdly; how do I cope when going under trees/low bridges etc.

In case anyone else wants to contact this dealer, he&#8217;s in the book under; We-Find-Cloppy-Clappy-Bombproof-Celtic-Cobs (and we saw you coming)Finkelsteins First-Safe-Vanners-r-us.


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## SamanthaUK (8 January 2012)

PapaFrita said:



			Accidents happen. I've given this dilemma a lot thought and have only 2 words to say. Pony Pie.
Feel the huggles 

Click to expand...

Dear PF,

Thanks for your quick and fantastic reply. It made perfect sense and seems like the perfect solution to my problem.

Pat on the back to you!
:}


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## Clannad48 (8 January 2012)

Dear PF

I have a lovely grey mare but unfortunately she is the wrong colour of grey, when we bought her she was really dark grey, now she is almost white.  My friend says if I feed her lots of that powder fabric dye in black she will go darker. The question is how many little tins will I need - she is a 17.2 Dutch Warmblood. Do you think she has gone light because she is Dutch, should I have bought a dark grey from England or Scotland or Wales.


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## muff747 (8 January 2012)

Hi PF!!!
Some few dozen posts back you advised someone to buy your left handed patented headcollar with the lunge rope and the banana stick plus your DVD's numbered 1-10.
Now I am all for making sure my new horse behaves like a horse should do, but I only have about £5 a week to spare after paying my rent for my council house and buying all the food needed to feed my ten kids and all my other 20 horses shared out amongst five other livery yards (cool: I hope they don't read this, I haven't seen them for the past six months and they keep knocking on my door shouting about arrears!!!!()
Any way, do you think I could pay you by installments at about £1 a week over the next 20000 weeks and please don't charge me any interest???
Also this new horse tramples all over everyone and always seems to go round and round them to the rightconfused:  
Sssoooooo - do you by any chance sell right handed head collars????            O and he runs away if he sees a banana, so could you change the stick for a melon???
The other £4 a week I have should just about pay for some hay for them all.
Thanks a billion


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## abitodd (8 January 2012)

Clannad48 said:



			Dear PF

I have a lovely grey mare but unfortunately she is the wrong colour of grey, when we bought her she was really dark grey, now she is almost white.  My friend says if I feed her lots of that powder fabric dye in black she will go darker. The question is how many little tins will I need - she is a 17.2 Dutch Warmblood. Do you think she has gone light because she is Dutch, should I have bought a dark grey from England or Scotland or Wales.
		
Click to expand...

PF seems to be off line at the moment,but I think I can help with this one. It is very common for Dutch horses to change colour if you keep them outside. 
The best way to keep a Dutch horse is in a stable 24/7. You can get away with riding them in a school 6 days a week doing jumping or dressage,but don't try hacking out on a KWPN cos it will change colour and do lots of other nasty things.
Hope this helps.


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## black_horse (8 January 2012)

Dear PF,
I need help! I have a chilli who seems to love me so much they have to comment on a lot of threads i post. How can i tell said chilli that i prefer peppers?


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## Fools Motto (8 January 2012)

Dear PF,
I have a grey pony and I want to win everything. I've been told about gold covered hats that will help to win so I bought one and also dead sheep help to win. I want to know where do I get dead sheep from and how many will I need? Can you add sparkles to the dead sheep to boost performance even more?

Yours Truly 
Iwill Win-Everything


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## PapaFrita (8 January 2012)

moleskinsmum said:



			Dear PF
I got a lovely new piebald at the sales but my friends say she is cow hocked. I am worried that she has a very large udder and that it might get in the way when we are jumping 1.30m. She also has a very short but wide head and a strange whinny. She also seems to be growing horns. Do you think we'd be better sticking with hunter trials?
		
Click to expand...

This is not an uncommon problem with certain breeds. I believe you have either a Holstein or Friesian. Large udders are often a problem, as is finding tack to fit. Still, they are becoming increasingly popular on the continent and can turn their hoof to many tasks.
Oh, yes, shoeing can be problematic as well. Suggest you go barefoot.


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## PapaFrita (8 January 2012)

digger66 said:



			As children's school shoes are so expensive I have decided that all five of my offspring should go barefoot.  

Do I need a specialist to rollover their toenails?
		
Click to expand...

Yes. Don't use an overtrained pedicurist. Use someone who has briefely flicked through a brochure on trimming toenails. That should do it.


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## PapaFrita (8 January 2012)

ridefast said:



			Dear PF, I am really concerned about the horses next door. Not one of them has a rug, they spend hours out in a huge field and the owner takes them for rides every day. They are far too thin as I can feel their ribs. Who should I call?
Also I tried giving my grinning horse a water melon but he just threw me in the air, trampled me, kicked me, and eventually the local farmer shot him and took me to hospital. I am very upset as my horse was seriously talented and could have made it onto the gymnastic olympic squad - He would do back flips if I tried to lead him anywhere. I want to sue the farmer, how much do you think I could get out of him?
		
Click to expand...

Oh dear, I feel your pain  Sadly such abuse is not uncommon. People don't understand what is NATURAL and what is not. Clearly it is not natural to ride and shoe your horse but of course it IS absolutely essential to stable it and rug it up and feed it lots of grain. Horses are very delicate creatures and can not survive on their own!! You must call the RSPCA immediately, and also sue that farmer for EVERYthing he's got. How DARE he interfere with your bonding session with your horse. I'm so angry I need a lie down!!


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## PapaFrita (8 January 2012)

Fellewell said:



			I have bought a top quality pony from a very nice man over the border. The pony was advertised as a six year old, bright bay gelding, placed every time out, HOYS potential, the lot. The man sent me a lovely photo with him standing on the ponys back. I was instantly impressed and seriously wanted some of that standy-up equestrian action, despite my vertigo.
Anyway, I agreed to meet the dealer at midnight in a car park behind World of Leather just outside Shepton Mallet and handed over £22,000 in used notes. I saw nothing unusual in this, horse traders are often very busy people. He very kindly loaded the pony for me and sped off into the night, laughing his head off. Hes a jolly sort!

When I got home it was dawn and to my surprise I found a 28 year old flea bitten grey mare in the lorry and not a bay gelding. I phoned the man and he said it was not at all unusual for horses to change sex/colour and to age considerably during the journey.  He said this was due to stress and the quality of Englands polluted air. Naturally I accepted his explanation as I didnt want to look like a novice.

I cant wait to get started with my standy-up equestrianism and I hope you can answer a couple of questions. Firstly; wheres the best place to stand? Secondly; do I need a long balancing pole? And thirdly; how do I cope when going under trees/low bridges etc.

In case anyone else wants to contact this dealer, hes in the book under; We-Find-Cloppy-Clappy-Bombproof-Celtic-Cobs (and we saw you coming)Finkelsteins First-Safe-Vanners-r-us.
		
Click to expand...

Oh, gosh, I know JUST how hard it is to resist an ad of a horse with someone standing on its back.... I mean, what else could you ask for? Certainly not an action or conformation photo.
I'm sorry to say that I think you _may_ have been ripped off. Horses certainly DO age, change sex and change colour quite randomly, but did you check if the gelding's mane had been plaited in the ad photo??? If so, then it's quite possible he was stolen and replaced in transit.
All is not lost, however, you can still stand on your old mare, but BETTER STILL... put her in foal!! Within a few months you will have your own little un that your children can handle and raise as their friend, and you will be able to embark on your Horse-balancing career.


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## PapaFrita (8 January 2012)

muff747 said:



Hi PF!!!
Some few dozen posts back you advised someone to buy your left handed patented headcollar with the lunge rope and the banana stick plus your DVD's numbered 1-10.
Now I am all for making sure my new horse behaves like a horse should do, but I only have about £5 a week to spare after paying my rent for my council house and buying all the food needed to feed my ten kids and all my other 20 horses shared out amongst five other livery yards (cool: I hope they don't read this, I haven't seen them for the past six months and they keep knocking on my door shouting about arrears!!!!()
Any way, do you think I could pay you by installments at about £1 a week over the next 20000 weeks and please don't charge me any interest???
Also this new horse tramples all over everyone and always seems to go round and round them to the rightconfused:  
Sssoooooo - do you by any chance sell right handed head collars????            O and he runs away if he sees a banana, so could you change the stick for a melon???
The other £4 a week I have should just about pay for some hay for them all.
Thanks a billion

Click to expand...

You don't seem to understand... Huggly Horsemanship is like Scientology... you just CAN'T attain true enlightenment unless you pay for it  How else did you think you would achieve true oneness with your horses?? Please reconsider your position, for the sake of your horses!


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## PapaFrita (8 January 2012)

Fools Motto said:



			Dear PF,
I have a grey pony and I want to win everything. I've been told about gold covered hats that will help to win so I bought one and also dead sheep help to win. I want to know where do I get dead sheep from and how many will I need? Can you add sparkles to the dead sheep to boost performance even more?

Yours Truly 
Iwill Win-Everything
		
Click to expand...

Ah, well, which discipline is it you would like to excel in? If it's SJing, then you must be as sparkly as possible and every item of tack you own must be expensive and emblazoned with a gold signature (if you're very clever, you can probably improvise with any old tack and a gold marker)
If it's dressage, then ALL your gear must be the same colour whenever you ride, and it's no good using the same colour all the time... oh, no no no. You must have all the shades of the rainbow or you will never ever be taken seriously and your horse must have SO much dead sheep that he/she actually resembles one. HOWEVER, take care; you must NOT wear a hat. Wearing a hat reveals you as a wannabe.
Eventers can basically wear what they like, although the horses tend to be trussed up like bondage victims. They do, however, tend to be injured and can talk at length about all the muscles they've torn, bones they've broken and ligaments they've strained. Be prepared to describe in detail every cut and bruise you've ever had. 
Good luck!!


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## Clannad48 (9 January 2012)

abitodd said:



			PF seems to be off line at the moment,but I think I can help with this one. It is very common for Dutch horses to change colour if you keep them outside. 
The best way to keep a Dutch horse is in a stable 24/7. You can get away with riding them in a school 6 days a week doing jumping or dressage,but don't try hacking out on a KWPN cos it will change colour and do lots of other nasty things.
Hope this helps.
		
Click to expand...

Thankyou Abitodd, 

So if I keep her in and just ride her in the stable will she go back to being dark grey, also if i ride her in a school won't the teachers get upset about us disturbing the lessons and won't the children upset her if they yell and shout, and all my local schools are only open five days a week and have long holidays. Will the dye not work then???


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## Goya (9 January 2012)

Olympic year is here at last and I just cannot understand why I haven't been chosen for the evenitng team. I have a wonderful animal with fantastic paces and can jump anything. It is soo brave and nothing phases it.we have laods of rosettes for jumping and it is very agile. It does occasionally make a woofing sort of noise and can growl occasionally. Surely that wouldn't stop our selection?
I'd settle for the show jumping or dressage if that helps.


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## Fiagai (9 January 2012)

Dear PF

I wonder if you can help with my dilema...

I would love to go hunting but I really love all bunnies and other furry things esprcially the posters of cute puppies with hats!. I heard that hunting was banned but being in a hunt will also mean that I could go to hell. Is there a hunt that doesnt actually do anything as I dont want to harm any vegetation either?  I am also worried that I will become a toff if I take up hunting as I heard that all those who hunt are "toffs"?.  Oh and I dont have a horse either as I thinkink riding is cruel - Do you think that this will be a problem?

confusedfluffybunnylover


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## eahotson (9 January 2012)

Dear PapaFrita I am so pleased that you are back.My problem is this. I have bought my first warm blood to do dressage with.He is a 20 year old schoolmaster.I want to be doing Grand Prix against Carl Hester next year so I like to do lots of practice i.e about 5 to 6 hours a day.Now though my horse seems very sleepy and lazy and whenever I appear at his stable door with my tack he shoots to the back and tries to get away from me.Why is that?Do you think that your bananna sticks and DVDs would help?


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## Peegeesmum (9 January 2012)

Dear PF, my 52 stone son has decided that he wants to learn to ride as part of his weight loss programe.
The neighbours across the road have a Highland pony in their field which I hear are great weight carriers,& as they are currently away on holiday,I thought it would be a good idea to bring the pony round & let my son have a go on it. I thought 'see if he enjoys it' before I invest in all the riding gear for him.
We have arranged for the Fire Brigade to come round this afternoon & remove the bedroom window so that they can winch him out.
Should I let them lower him straight onto the pony in his incontinence nappy or should we pop out & buy him some jods so he looks the part?
 Ivor Fatba$tard


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## Shantara (9 January 2012)

Goya said:



			Olympic year is here at last and I just cannot understand why I haven't been chosen for the evenitng team. I have a wonderful animal with fantastic paces and can jump anything. It is soo brave and nothing phases it.we have laods of rosettes for jumping and it is very agile. It does occasionally make a woofing sort of noise and can growl occasionally. Surely that wouldn't stop our selection?
I'd settle for the show jumping or dressage if that helps.
		
Click to expand...

I have the same issue. Mine can easily jump 3 or 4 times her own height, surely we'd win something with that ability?! Funny you should mention odd noises, mine tends to 'mew' sometimes :S


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## photo_jo (9 January 2012)

Dear Pf please can you help me-I bought a very nice horsey last year-the seller said it was a bit green but that was ok because I like that colour. Anyway he has started to plant-I did read a thread on horses planting which mentioned waggling the neck neck but my horsey seems too stiff-have I fed him the wrong food? I have tried miracle grow cos he was quite small but am wondering whether a good feed of potash would be better? What do you think? and would a banana stick be helpful? I did think of sheep as everyone says sheep are the way forward but he doesn't like them nibbling him. 
Yours in anticipation
Alan Titchymarsh

PS Here is a pic of him-do you think he needs clipping?


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## PapaFrita (9 January 2012)

Goya said:



			Olympic year is here at last and I just cannot understand why I haven't been chosen for the evenitng team. I have a wonderful animal with fantastic paces and can jump anything. It is soo brave and nothing phases it.we have laods of rosettes for jumping and it is very agile. It does occasionally make a woofing sort of noise and can growl occasionally. Surely that wouldn't stop our selection?
I'd settle for the show jumping or dressage if that helps.
		
Click to expand...

Sadly, selection for any team, olympic, WEG, PC, etc, there are politics involved. If you don't know the right people and rub shoulders with the big cheese, then you don't stand a chance. They will use phrases like "not qualified", "not experienced enough", "totally delusional" and "horse is a total dog", but it's allll JEALOUSY.


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## PapaFrita (9 January 2012)

Fiagai said:



			Dear PF

I wonder if you can help with my dilema...

I would love to go hunting but I really love all bunnies and other furry things esprcially the posters of cute puppies with hats!. I heard that hunting was banned but being in a hunt will also mean that I could go to hell. Is there a hunt that doesnt actually do anything as I dont want to harm any vegetation either?  I am also worried that I will become a toff if I take up hunting as I heard that all those who hunt are "toffs"?.  Oh and I dont have a horse either as I thinkink riding is cruel - Do you think that this will be a problem?

confusedfluffybunnylover
		
Click to expand...

My I suggest an Easter egg hunt? That way you get to hug bunnies and skip through bluebells and daisies (without damaging any of them, obviously!)


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## PapaFrita (9 January 2012)

eahotson said:



			Dear PapaFrita I am so pleased that you are back.My problem is this. I have bought my first warm blood to do dressage with.He is a 20 year old schoolmaster.I want to be doing Grand Prix against Carl Hester next year so I like to do lots of practice i.e about 5 to 6 hours a day.Now though my horse seems very sleepy and lazy and whenever I appear at his stable door with my tack he shoots to the back and tries to get away from me.Why is that?Do you think that your bananna sticks and DVDs would help?
		
Click to expand...

Your horse clearly has a poor work ethic. My DVD set and banana sticks will certainly help to make him reevaluate his attitude. Getting lots of matching kit and sheepskin will undoubtedly help also.


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## MrsMozart (9 January 2012)

Aye'up PF! Good to see thee back 'ere lass 

Well nah, can thee 'elp me with m'big ginger one? I've 'ad some of theres 'ere new clipper things for Christmas. Right smart they are - use that tha' new fangled e-lec-tricity 

Any'oo, I'm after a bit o' advice. Clipped m'lass last night, but can't get reet good lines down 'er face . Looks like a bleedin' rug!

Any 'elp y'can give will be treated with the respect it deserves


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## PapaFrita (9 January 2012)

Peegeesmum said:



			Dear PF, my 52 stone son has decided that he wants to learn to ride as part of his weight loss programe.
The neighbours across the road have a Highland pony in their field which I hear are great weight carriers,& as they are currently away on holiday,I thought it would be a good idea to bring the pony round & let my son have a go on it. I thought 'see if he enjoys it' before I invest in all the riding gear for him.
We have arranged for the Fire Brigade to come round this afternoon & remove the bedroom window so that they can winch him out.
Should I let them lower him straight onto the pony in his incontinence nappy or should we pop out & buy him some jods so he looks the part?
 Ivor Fatba$tard
		
Click to expand...

Firstly, may I congratulate your son on taking a positive, if rather lumbering, step towards a healthier lifestyle. I see no problem in you innocently 'borrowing' your neighbour's pony for such a good cause, and of course you are correct in saying that Highlands are prodigious weight carriers. Now... whilst you've got the fire brigade there, I suggest they winch your son directly onto the pony, and whilst they're at it they can put up some struts for the pony's legs. It may be a bit premature to get your son a pair of jods, but I'm sure he will look very attractive in them, and there is no doubt that looking the part will go a long way to actually providing him with some riding skills.


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## Fiagai (9 January 2012)

PapaFrita said:



			My I suggest an Easter egg hunt? That way you get to hug bunnies and skip through bluebells and daisies (without damaging any of them, obviously!)
		
Click to expand...

*Big HUGS* PF  I do love bunnies...

Cos u been so nice and cuddly I have another problem that I am sure you can help me with...

I have recently moved from the big smoke to a little place (about 40 acres / mock tudor with a big wishing well!) in the country  with lots of bunnies and guess what bluebells!  However I find living in the middle of nowhere quite strange - there are no lights out here. There are very cruel people who actually ride horses and gallop across fields.  I have even found Horse do-do on the road  It all very cruel and horrible. When I drive my Prius these people dont get out of my way. Funnily nobody has called to welcome me to the village either?

Can I erect floodlights all around my house?  Will talking to these people nicely who are abusing the poor horsies help them to realise how horrible they are?  I am thinking of having an open day for save the bunnies fund I do hope this will help....

Confusedfluffybunnylover


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## PapaFrita (10 January 2012)

MrsMozart said:



			Aye'up PF! Good to see thee back 'ere lass 

Well nah, can thee 'elp me with m'big ginger one? I've 'ad some of theres 'ere new clipper things for Christmas. Right smart they are - use that tha' new fangled e-lec-tricity 

Any'oo, I'm after a bit o' advice. Clipped m'lass last night, but can't get reet good lines down 'er face . Looks like a bleedin' rug!

Any 'elp y'can give will be treated with the respect it deserves 

Click to expand...

Do it the old-fashioned way and use a lawn mower.


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## PapaFrita (10 January 2012)

Fiagai said:



			*Big HUGS* PF  I do love bunnies...

Cos u been so nice and cuddly I have another problem that I am sure you can help me with...

I have recently moved from the big smoke to a little place (about 40 acres / mock tudor with a big wishing well!) in the country  with lots of bunnies and guess what bluebells!  However I find living in the middle of nowhere quite strange - there are no lights out here. There are very cruel people who actually ride horses and gallop across fields.  I have even found Horse do-do on the road  It all very cruel and horrible. When I drive my Prius these people dont get out of my way. Funnily nobody has called to welcome me to the village either?

Can I erect floodlights all around my house?  Will talking to these people nicely who are abusing the poor horsies help them to realise how horrible they are?  I am thinking of having an open day for save the bunnies fund I do hope this will help....

Confusedfluffybunnylover
		
Click to expand...

Oh dear, poor you having to live in such a vile, desolate place. The countryside is horrible; people hunt and shoot as well as ride their horses. It's rumoured that some of them wear wellies and even walk their dogs, not to mention get mud all over their cars!!! Yes, you should put up as many lights as you can to make the place more inviting. Definitely have a Save the Bunnies fundraiser, a collection for Feed the Foxes, and also petition for everyone to give up their 4x4s in favour of more ecologically friendly vehicles.


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## LeneHorse (10 January 2012)

Peegeesmum said:



			Dear PF, my 52 stone son has decided that he wants to learn to ride as part of his weight loss programe.
The neighbours across the road have a Highland pony in their field which I hear are great weight carriers,& as they are currently away on holiday,I thought it would be a good idea to bring the pony round & let my son have a go on it. I thought 'see if he enjoys it' before I invest in all the riding gear for him.
We have arranged for the Fire Brigade to come round this afternoon & remove the bedroom window so that they can winch him out.
Should I let them lower him straight onto the pony in his incontinence nappy or should we pop out & buy him some jods so he looks the part?
 Ivor Fatba$tard
		
Click to expand...

this is bad taste on every possible level!
PMSL - can I have one of your incontinence pads please?


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## AdorableAlice (12 January 2012)

Dear PF,  you don't need to win the lottery, just find a publisher and you will be made for life.  I haven't laughed so much for years.


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## PapaFrita (13 January 2012)

AdorableAlice said:



			Dear PF,  you don't need to win the lottery, just find a publisher and you will be made for life.  I haven't laughed so much for years.
		
Click to expand...

Why thank you. You don't happen to know a publisher, do you?


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## Fiagai (15 January 2012)

Fiagai said:



			*Big HUGS* PF  I do love bunnies...

Cos u been so nice and cuddly I have another problem that I am sure you can help me with...

I have recently moved from the big smoke to a little place (about 40 acres / mock tudor with a big wishing well!) in the country  with lots of bunnies and guess what bluebells!  However I find living in the middle of nowhere quite strange - there are no lights out here. There are very cruel people who actually ride horses and gallop across fields.  I have even found Horse do-do on the road  It all very cruel and horrible. When I drive my Prius these people dont get out of my way. Funnily nobody has called to welcome me to the village either?

Can I erect floodlights all around my house?  Will talking to these people nicely who are abusing the poor horsies help them to realise how horrible they are?  I am thinking of having an open day for save the bunnies fund I do hope this will help....

Confusedfluffybunnylover
		
Click to expand...




PapaFrita said:



			Oh dear, poor you having to live in such a vile, desolate place. The countryside is horrible; people hunt and shoot as well as ride their horses. It's rumoured that some of them wear wellies and even walk their dogs, not to mention get mud all over their cars!!! Yes, you should put up as many lights as you can to make the place more inviting. Definitely have a Save the Bunnies fundraiser, a collection for Feed the Foxes, and also petition for everyone to give up their 4x4s in favour of more ecologically friendly vehicles.
		
Click to expand...

Oh PF you are such a sweetie <}!!!!

Well following your lovely advice  I have ordered some football stadium lights for around my house - Ohhh they are really loovely! The house now be seen from the nearest motorway, where strangely the police appear to have been attending an increasing number of pile ups! - Its probably all those nasty 4WD things that people around here drive!

Anyway at the weekend I held my Save the Bunnies  / Feed the foxes Fundraiser  in my garden. I posted my invitations to the whole village including the MFH and the members local ferreting club (as I was told they loved Bunnies too!).  So as to show the importance of Saving Bunnies & Feeding the little Foxes I ordered extra bunnies from my pet shop which I let run free around the garden so that everyone could appreciate how Cute they really are!  My freinds from St Pitchlywinkles Hedgey hospital contacted me and offered me a dozen ickle rescued foxes to run around and impress all the nice visitors as well...

It was so lovely the ickle furry foxes started playing with the dear little bunny rabbits but then the rabbits started disappearing..someone said maybe they all went to the farm...I did ask what farm as I am new to the area - anyway I'm sure they will be very happy there having met such nice friendly foxes...

It is lovely to know that I am making such a difference to the village...the MFH seemed very impressed and said that with people like me there was really no need for legislation as I was doing more for the cause than any demonstration to Downing Street....Oh  I am so happy - what a lovely man

The ferret club was very impressed my additions to the local rabbit population and asked could they bring over their furry friends so they could play too - bless!

I have now started a petition to put up street lights on ALL the dark roads and in the fields so the bunnies and their furry friends will be able to see in the dark!
And my next mission is to get all 4WD banned as they are so ugly and smelly!

I think I am going to like it here...

ConfusedFluffyBunnyLover.


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## tallyho! (15 January 2012)




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## tinaub (15 January 2012)

Thank God you are back, our yard has a big problem, and really need your advice. Our yard owner was stopped whilst she was out hacking in the next village by a woman who suspected (wrongly) that the YO' s horse had done his droppings outside her house. This woman was very cross and said it was dangerous. We don't know what she means, and it has made us worry that our ponies might do their droppings in the same place. What can we do to prevent this? We don' t want to avoid going past her house, it is our favourite ride as all the tourists outside the nearby pub look at us when we go by. I don' t know if you are familiar with other animals, but if my husbands sheep go past and do droppings, would that be dangerous as well? Please help, thank you.


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## PapaFrita (16 January 2012)

Fiagai said:



			Oh PF you are such a sweetie <}!!!!

Well following your lovely advice  I have ordered some football stadium lights for around my house - Ohhh they are really loovely! The house now be seen from the nearest motorway, where strangely the police appear to have been attending an increasing number of pile ups! - Its probably all those nasty 4WD things that people around here drive!

Anyway at the weekend I held my Save the Bunnies  / Feed the foxes Fundraiser  in my garden. I posted my invitations to the whole village including the MFH and the members local ferreting club (as I was told they loved Bunnies too!).  So as to show the importance of Saving Bunnies & Feeding the little Foxes I ordered extra bunnies from my pet shop which I let run free around the garden so that everyone could appreciate how Cute they really are!  My freinds from St Pitchlywinkles Hedgey hospital contacted me and offered me a dozen ickle rescued foxes to run around and impress all the nice visitors as well...

It was so lovely the ickle furry foxes started playing with the dear little bunny rabbits but then the rabbits started disappearing..someone said maybe they all went to the farm...I did ask what farm as I am new to the area - anyway I'm sure they will be very happy there having met such nice friendly foxes...

It is lovely to know that I am making such a difference to the village...the MFH seemed very impressed and said that with people like me there was really no need for legislation as I was doing more for the cause than any demonstration to Downing Street....Oh  I am so happy - what a lovely man

The ferret club was very impressed my additions to the local rabbit population and asked could they bring over their furry friends so they could play too - bless!

I have now started a petition to put up street lights on ALL the dark roads and in the fields so the bunnies and their furry friends will be able to see in the dark!
And my next mission is to get all 4WD banned as they are so ugly and smelly!

I think I am going to like it here...

ConfusedFluffyBunnyLover.
		
Click to expand...

Sounds as if you're making great progress and fitting right in. Whilst you're at it, how about starting a vegan food club so can guide those poor farmers away from meat farming? I'm sure they don't realise how cruel they're being to all those sheep, pigs and cows. They should all be set free, don't you think?


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## PapaFrita (16 January 2012)

tinaub said:



			Thank God you are back, our yard has a big problem, and really need your advice. Our yard owner was stopped whilst she was out hacking in the next village by a woman who suspected (wrongly) that the YO' s horse had done his droppings outside her house. This woman was very cross and said it was dangerous. We don't know what she means, and it has made us worry that our ponies might do their droppings in the same place. What can we do to prevent this? We don' t want to avoid going past her house, it is our favourite ride as all the tourists outside the nearby pub look at us when we go by. I don' t know if you are familiar with other animals, but if my husbands sheep go past and do droppings, would that be dangerous as well? Please help, thank you.
		
Click to expand...

Do you mean to say that the council has not installed public toilets for horses, sheep, cows and pigs?? This is preposterous!! Where are the poor animals supposed to go? Imagine their embarrassment at having to relieve themselves in fields or, worse still, on the roads in full view of the passing public. You should write immediately to your local MP and insist that he rectify the situation!!


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## eahotson (16 January 2012)

Fiagai said:



			Oh PF you are such a sweetie <}!!!!

Well following your lovely advice  I have ordered some football stadium lights for around my house - Ohhh they are really loovely! The house now be seen from the nearest motorway, where strangely the police appear to have been attending an increasing number of pile ups! - Its probably all those nasty 4WD things that people around here drive!

Anyway at the weekend I held my Save the Bunnies  / Feed the foxes Fundraiser  in my garden. I posted my invitations to the whole village including the MFH and the members local ferreting club (as I was told they loved Bunnies too!).  So as to show the importance of Saving Bunnies & Feeding the little Foxes I ordered extra bunnies from my pet shop which I let run free around the garden so that everyone could appreciate how Cute they really are!  My freinds from St Pitchlywinkles Hedgey hospital contacted me and offered me a dozen ickle rescued foxes to run around and impress all the nice visitors as well...

It was so lovely the ickle furry foxes started playing with the dear little bunny rabbits but then the rabbits started disappearing..someone said maybe they all went to the farm...I did ask what farm as I am new to the area - anyway I'm sure they will be very happy there having met such nice friendly foxes...

It is lovely to know that I am making such a difference to the village...the MFH seemed very impressed and said that with people like me there was really no need for legislation as I was doing more for the cause than any demonstration to Downing Street....Oh  I am so happy - what a lovely man

The ferret club was very impressed my additions to the local rabbit population and asked could they bring over their furry friends so they could play too - bless!

I have now started a petition to put up street lights on ALL the dark roads and in the fields so the bunnies and their furry friends will be able to see in the dark!
And my next mission is to get all 4WD banned as they are so ugly and smelly!

I think I am going to like it here...

ConfusedFluffyBunnyLover.
		
Click to expand...

Please please stop.I am wetting myself I am laughing so much!


----------



## The-mad-cat-lady (16 January 2012)

Slight problem....
Can anyone help ?

I gave my shetland a treat for tea...its his birthday so I gave him big bucket of sugar beet (fresh out of the bag).....
Just gone to check on him and he's blown up so much he's bobbing about on the ceiling....
Any advice on how I can get him down would be very lovely.

Thank you


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## PapaFrita (16 January 2012)

The-mad-cat-lady said:



			Slight problem....
Can anyone help ?

I gave my shetland a treat for tea...its his birthday so I gave him big bucket of sugar beet (fresh out of the bag).....
Just gone to check on him and he's blown up so much he's bobbing about on the ceiling....
Any advice on how I can get him down would be very lovely.

Thank you
		
Click to expand...

Ooh, this is very serious indeed. You must pop him immediately. Borrow an air rifle or, failing that, some darts. Once he's down you must roll him around on the floor squeezing all the gas out of him.  Good luck!


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## The-mad-cat-lady (16 January 2012)

Have popped him but hes now flying around the yard..
What now of ?


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## Fiagai (16 January 2012)

tinaub said:



			Thank God you are back, our yard has a big problem, and really need your advice. Our yard owner was stopped whilst she was out hacking in the next village by a woman who suspected (wrongly) that the YO' s horse had done his droppings outside her house. This woman was very cross and said it was dangerous. We don't know what she means, and it has made us worry that our ponies might do their droppings in the same place. What can we do to prevent this? We don' t want to avoid going past her house, it is our favourite ride as all the tourists outside the nearby pub look at us when we go by. I don' t know if you are familiar with other animals, but if my husbands sheep go past and do droppings, would that be dangerous as well? Please help, thank you.
		
Click to expand...

Aha so you know the person who made their horse do its do-do outside my house! -  That poor horse having to "go" in public!!!  I have reported you for cruelty to that poor horsie  OMG how it must be suffering!!  I have now placed signs outside my house so that all horsies will know that they can make use of proper facilities (I have had a fully flushing horse loo installed)  There is a a meeting in the village next week and I fully intend to pettition the village for public facilities for ALL animals...sometimes I dont know how I put up with such wanton cruelty....AT LEAST PF understands...

ConfusedFluffyBunnyLover


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## MrsMozart (16 January 2012)

PapaFrita said:



			Do it the old-fashioned way and use a lawn mower. 

Click to expand...


Found one, will this 'ere do tha' job?


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## PapaFrita (18 January 2012)

The-mad-cat-lady said:



			Have popped him but hes now flying around the yard..
What now of ?
		
Click to expand...

Sorry I missed your post; was on my Global Huggly Tour and only just got back. Hope your pony is back on the ground, if not, you must shoot arrows attached to ropes over him (remember to keep hold of one end)  and drag him down. Attach anchor.
Bill's in the post. Huggles


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## PapaFrita (18 January 2012)

Fiagai said:



			Aha so you know the person who made their horse do its do-do outside my house! -  That poor horse having to "go" in public!!!  I have reported you for cruelty to that poor horsie  OMG how it must be suffering!!  I have now placed signs outside my house so that all horsies will know that they can make use of proper facilities (I have had a fully flushing horse loo installed)  There is a a meeting in the village next week and I fully intend to pettition the village for public facilities for ALL animals...sometimes I dont know how I put up with such wanton cruelty....AT LEAST PF understands...

ConfusedFluffyBunnyLover
		
Click to expand...

Yes, I do indeed understand. You are making very positive strides forwards. we need to get all animals properly and decorously clothed next. No visible privates!! It's to protect their modesty


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## PapaFrita (18 January 2012)

MrsMozart said:



			Found one, will this 'ere do tha' job?   






Click to expand...

Yes, don't forget to use a strimmer round the fetlocks.


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## tonitot (19 January 2012)

Dear PF,

My mare has recently become very messyin her stable. Is there some sort of butt plug or bag I can attach to her so then I can empty it straight into my wheelbarrow? Or do you have a book that can teach me how to teach her to hold it in until I'm there with a bucket? OR is there something I can give her so she just doesn't poo at all?!


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## black_horse (19 January 2012)

Dear PF,
We recently aquired a HOYS winning horse for my 13 year old daughter. He's 18.1hh piebald welsh cob and even though he is only 2 years old according to his KWPN passport he has been supremem cob champion at HOYS! I was wondering if i would need to buy my daughter lessons as she has never ridden or if he could train her because my cousin's nephews neighbours boss told us that the horse could teach the girl?

Also, as we have won HOYS where do we go from here? I took him to a local show the other day with my friend leading him inhand but the damn jealous of the locals pulled us in last in the native section! Honestly some judges are sooooo biased!

Any help please PF

Mrs No-Gear-No-Idea


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## HappyHorses:) (19 January 2012)

Dear PF

I have been giving my horse redbull as I hear it gives you wings n i woz hoping it would make him jump better. 

Do you know how long it takes to work coz ive got a new set of pink jumping boots and want to beat this girl Britney from my yard in the 60cm this weekend as she tinks she is all that.

Luv ya babes! 

chavet
 x


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## photo_jo (30 January 2012)

photo_jo said:



			Dear Pf please can you help me-I bought a very nice horsey last year-the seller said it was a bit green but that was ok because I like that colour. Anyway he has started to plant-I did read a thread on horses planting which mentioned waggling the neck neck but my horsey seems too stiff-have I fed him the wrong food? I have tried miracle grow cos he was quite small but am wondering whether a good feed of potash would be better? What do you think? and would a banana stick be helpful? I did think of sheep as everyone says sheep are the way forward but he doesn't like them nibbling him. 
Yours in anticipation
Alan Titchymarsh

PS Here is a pic of him-do you think he needs clipping?





Click to expand...

Dear PF, it's getting worse-he's now rooted to the spot! What can I do?


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## PapaFrita (31 January 2012)

tonitot said:



			Dear PF,

My mare has recently become very messyin her stable. Is there some sort of butt plug or bag I can attach to her so then I can empty it straight into my wheelbarrow? Or do you have a book that can teach me how to teach her to hold it in until I'm there with a bucket? OR is there something I can give her so she just doesn't poo at all?!



Click to expand...

The answer you're looking for are the patented Purrdy Ponio (a subsidiary company to Huggly Horsemanship) Poopoo Pouches. Will catch and collect all your dobbin's waste and convert it into biofuel for your car or lorry. Only £101,000 plus vat. Week's supply.


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## PapaFrita (31 January 2012)

black_horse said:



			Dear PF,
We recently aquired a HOYS winning horse for my 13 year old daughter. He's 18.1hh piebald welsh cob and even though he is only 2 years old according to his KWPN passport he has been supremem cob champion at HOYS! I was wondering if i would need to buy my daughter lessons as she has never ridden or if he could train her because my cousin's nephews neighbours boss told us that the horse could teach the girl?

Also, as we have won HOYS where do we go from here? I took him to a local show the other day with my friend leading him inhand but the damn jealous of the locals pulled us in last in the native section! Honestly some judges are sooooo biased!

Any help please PF

Mrs No-Gear-No-Idea
		
Click to expand...

You aren't winning for one of the following reasons;
1) Horse too thin. Feed him flapjacks, lots of them. He should be very very round. VERY round indeed
2) Your kit isn't expensive or matchy enough. Get the most EXPENSIVE gear. It doesn't matter if it doesn't fit. Looking the part is just as effective as actually being able to ride or have a good horse
3) Jealousy. Everyone is always jealous of you. They are jealous of you even if other people are doing better than you. It's just the way it is and the only solution is a hitman. Not that I know of one. Nor did we have this conversation *shifty eyes*



*PMing you*


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## PapaFrita (31 January 2012)

HappyHorses:) said:



			Dear PF

I have been giving my horse redbull as I hear it gives you wings n i woz hoping it would make him jump better. 

Do you know how long it takes to work coz ive got a new set of pink jumping boots and want to beat this girl Britney from my yard in the 60cm this weekend as she tinks she is all that.

Luv ya babes! 

chavet
 x
		
Click to expand...

Wotcha Chavet
You's on da rite track gurl. Losa Red Bull will give ponio wings, but also hidin Britney's pink kit and sparkley stuff. She'll be all demoralised, ya no? Less no how ya ge' on.


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## PapaFrita (31 January 2012)

photo_jo said:



			Dear PF, it's getting worse-he's now rooted to the spot! What can I do?
		
Click to expand...

You need to repot and give him a bit of a prune. Considering how cold it is, I'd've thought he'd be a bit less green now. More brownish or white, if it's snowing.


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## Fiagai (10 February 2012)

PapaFrita said:



			Yes, I do indeed understand. You are making very positive strides forwards. we need to get all animals properly and decorously clothed next. No visible privates!! It's to protect their modesty
		
Click to expand...

PF -May I suggest an addition to your very successful patented Purrdy Ponio (a subsidiary company to your wonderful Huggly Horsemanship Inc)

Its a new line of horse underwear that I have come up with - not only will the colour matched underwear provide cover for ponios modesty they will also have a special concealed pouch to collect ponio's poo etc!

I was thinking of calling it Nappy Nickers?  Would you perhaps be interested in a partnership?  My late husband who made all his money burying chemical waste in greenfield sites has left me enough moolagh to bring a little happiness to these poor benighted people who just dont know any better. So you see we would be doing this really as an act of charity!


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## FrodoBeutlin (30 March 2012)

Dear Pappa Fritta,

I've been having some contact issues with my posh dressage warmblood so I thought I'd switch from a snaffle to a double bridle. As he can be really strong on the left rein I got a made-to-measure curb bit from Herr Sprenger with a 5cm right shank and a 7cm left shank, this works really well and I must admit it has immediately fixed the issue.

However, here is my big dilemma. I soon realised I made a huge mistake purchasing my double bridle as it's not patent. Therefore, I immediately bought Chanel Le Vernis in no. 219 Black Satin but I am now worried sick I should have gone for the no. 513 Black Pearl or even a different brand??? Also, how many coats am I supposed to apply, is one enough or should I apply a second coat. And is it only on the noseband or also on the reins, throatlash, etc? 

Please reply as I really don't know what to do and obviously can't ride until that has been fixed.

Lots of love,

Worried from Stratford xxx


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## Gracie21 (30 March 2012)

This thread has made me laugh so hard that now I have jaw & cheek ache. 

I have also laughed tears, and my eyes hurt from reading every single bit


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## PapaFrita (30 March 2012)

Fiagai said:



			PF -May I suggest an addition to your very successful patented Purrdy Ponio (a subsidiary company to your wonderful Huggly Horsemanship Inc)

Its a new line of horse underwear that I have come up with - not only will the colour matched underwear provide cover for ponios modesty they will also have a special concealed pouch to collect ponio's poo etc!

I was thinking of calling it Nappy Nickers?  Would you perhaps be interested in a partnership?  My late husband who made all his money burying chemical waste in greenfield sites has left me enough moolagh to bring a little happiness to these poor benighted people who just dont know any better. So you see we would be doing this really as an act of charity!
		
Click to expand...

Dear Fiagai
I do apologise for coming so late to your post.
I do believe that with your Nappy Nickers range you will have found a niche in the market! Wish I'd thought of it myself. No need for a partnership, I shall pinch your idea, rebrand it as Pony Pouches and sell it under my own name!! Cheers


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## tallyho! (30 March 2012)

EDickens said:



			This thread has made me laugh so hard that now I have jaw & cheek ache. 

I have also laughed tears, and my eyes hurt from reading every single bit 

Click to expand...

Aaaarrggghhhh!! The dreaded Huggly side effects!!!

Not sure the admin team do refunds anymore... worth trying though...


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## PapaFrita (30 March 2012)

FrodoBeutlin said:



			Dear Pappa Fritta,

I've been having some contact issues with my posh dressage warmblood so I thought I'd switch from a snaffle to a double bridle. As he can be really strong on the left rein I got a made-to-measure curb bit from Herr Sprenger with a 5cm right shank and a 7cm left shank, this works really well and I must admit it has immediately fixed the issue.

However, here is my big dilemma. I soon realised I made a huge mistake purchasing my double bridle as it's not patent. Therefore, I immediately bought Chanel Le Vernis in no. 219 Black Satin but I am now worried sick I should have gone for the no. 513 Black Pearl or even a different brand??? Also, how many coats am I supposed to apply, is one enough or should I apply a second coat. And is it only on the noseband or also on the reins, throatlash, etc? 

Please reply as I really don't know what to do and obviously can't ride until that has been fixed.

Lots of love,

Worried from Stratford xxx
		
Click to expand...

Dear Worried
I can tell you're new to this dressage lark; all those novicey mistakes!! Never mind, you've come to the right place now.
Clearly you are correct in assuming that different kit, rather than training will solve your riding issues; the results speak for themselves, after all!  Now, as for the bridle... tut tut, Black Pearl and Black Satin are soooooo last season. Can I suggest Exotic Ebony or Pitch Patent? This is what Edward, Anky, Laura and Carl have told me their horses will be wearing this season; bang up to date and it IS so important to look the part, wouldn't you agree? Apply to noseband, browband (careful to avoid the bling!- I assume you have bling?? Your bridle MUST twinkle!!) and reins.
BTW, I notice your horse is *shudder* BAY and not black. I suggest you remedy this forthwith!! Luckily my Huggly range includes equine dye in 42 shades of black. It's called Triumph Tint. Wins guaranteed!!
Feeeel the huggles!!


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## PapaFrita (30 March 2012)

EDickens said:



			This thread has made me laugh so hard that now I have jaw & cheek ache. 

I have also laughed tears, and my eyes hurt from reading every single bit 

Click to expand...

Sadly H&H have still not got back to me about my new column


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## FrodoBeutlin (30 March 2012)

Dear Pappa Fritta,

Thank you so much for your prompt reply. You are so right, I am very new to dressage, so I have a lot to learn, but thankfully I have come across this forum which has *everything* I need to improve.

Gosh, I didn't know that about the colour. I have 5 horses, and they are ALL the wrong colour! Four are bays and one is chestnut. I bought them in Germany and clearly they took advantage of the fact that I am a foreigner. Without contacts, it's difficult to buy abroad. Do you think I have been conned????


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## PapaFrita (30 March 2012)

FrodoBeutlin said:



			Dear Pappa Fritta,

Thank you so much for your prompt reply. You are so right, I am very new to dressage, so I have a lot to learn, but thankfully I have come across this forum which has *everything* I need to improve.

Gosh, I didn't know that about the colour. I have 5 horses, and they are ALL the wrong colour! Four are bays and one is chestnut. I bought them in Germany and clearly they took advantage of the fact that I am a foreigner. Without contacts, it's difficult to buy abroad. Do you think I have been conned????
		
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Ah yes, there are lots of experts on the forum, many of whom give their opinions VERY freely and generously. None as wise as me, of course, but then they don't have years and years of Huggly Horsemanship under their belts, as I do or such an innate understanding of the horsey pysche... *gloat*
Now, back to your horses... you have indeed been conned. Just so you don't feel so bad about it, Laura in her youth also fell for that ploy and ended up with Alf *sigh* HOW much better would he be doing if he weren't quite so... orange???
You're in luck though. I will take all your incorrectly-coloured horses off your hands and swap you for THIS magnificent beast.







I'm sure you'll agree he's gorgeous. And I'm only doing this because you had the good sense at least to get _German_ horses


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## abitodd (30 March 2012)

photo_jo said:



			Dear Pf please can you help me-I bought a very nice horsey last year-the seller said it was a bit green but that was ok because I like that colour. Anyway he has started to plant-I did read a thread on horses planting which mentioned waggling the neck neck but my horsey seems too stiff-have I fed him the wrong food? I have tried miracle grow cos he was quite small but am wondering whether a good feed of potash would be better? What do you think? and would a banana stick be helpful? I did think of sheep as everyone says sheep are the way forward but he doesn't like them nibbling him. 
Yours in anticipation
Alan Titchymarsh

PS Here is a pic of him-do you think he needs clipping?





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photo_jo said:



			Dear PF, it's getting worse-he's now rooted to the spot! What can I do?
		
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So sorry to hear of your problems. I think you might need to get your forage analysed. My horse,when green,would plant so because he is barefoot I had my forage analysed and found that his mineral levels were not right for a barefoot horse. The garden center did this for me and gave me some minerals to feed. Can't remember what it was called,but I think it was to up the glyphosate levels. Apparently this helps with the absorbtion of copper and mangoknees. Anyway,since feeding the glyphosate he has gone from green to brown! He is still,however a little stiff.


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## Goldenstar (30 March 2012)

Dear PapaFrita,
I have a problem , I want to do dressage and seem to have bought a TB instead of a big warmblood I mean I went out for a black warm blood and came back with a grey TB can you help.
I also wondered if when you have your range of black tints and dyes selling well if you would consider marketing passport covers so,we could pretend we had any sort of fancy warmblood we liked.
I am looking forward to your advice
Goldenstar


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## horsey mad matt (30 March 2012)

dear papa frita 
 i am having a bit of a problem, my horse wont go faward when i am riding, i only have a pony standing martingale on his flash noseband, with a dutch gag on bottom whole and a pair of draw reins. i just don't understand why he has his chin touching his chest and wont move forward. i hate to use my legs too much so can you help me please. 

thanks HMM

p.s. he is a 24hh irish draught.


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## Littlelegs (30 March 2012)

Please help 
I recently bought a 10yr old tb stallion for my 4 yr old to ride. It was unbroken, but I've been riding a year now so was more than experienced enough to break & school it the first day we got it. I'm 28 stone so just right for it. It wears a double bridle we made ourselves, with a gag & kimblewick as bits. My question is this- which bit should the draw reins go on? And should the too small martingale be on the flash or grackle? And when we ride, any tips for stopping the de-gogue, market harborough, & side reins getting tangled? Once I have these minor issues sorted, he'll be a fantastic first pony. Also, if he covers a mare while daughters at a pony club rally, who pays, the dc or the owner? Thankyou for your help, yours sincerely, Mrs four- king idiot


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## PapaFrita (30 March 2012)

abitodd said:



			So sorry to hear of your problems. I think you might need to get your forage analysed. My horse,when green,would plant so because he is barefoot I had my forage analysed and found that his mineral levels were not right for a barefoot horse. The garden center did this for me and gave me some minerals to feed. Can't remember what it was called,but I think it was to up the glyphosate levels. Apparently this helps with the absorbtion of copper and mangoknees. Anyway,since feeding the glyphosate he has gone from green to brown! He is still,however a little stiff.
		
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Good answer!! FTR, I told abitodd to say that


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## PapaFrita (30 March 2012)

Goldenstar said:



			Dear PapaFrita,
I have a problem , I want to do dressage and seem to have bought a TB instead of a big warmblood I mean I went out for a black warm blood and came back with a grey TB can you help.
I also wondered if when you have your range of black tints and dyes selling well if you would consider marketing passport covers so,we could pretend we had any sort of fancy warmblood we liked.
I am looking forward to your advice
Goldenstar
		
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Oh dear. Once again the inexperienced are hoodwinked into buying unsuitable horses *sigh*
Well, first of all you will have to dye him black with one of my Triumph Tint range. THEN you will be able to register your horse with one of my Specialized Warmblood stud books, especially created for people who have horses that aren't _technically_ warmbloods, or might be with a bit of imagination, but you can't be sure. Geldings are allowed as well. These include the NSWII (Not Sure What It Is) Stud Book, the LOMATAHF (Lots of Mane and Tail and Hairy Fetlocks) stud book as well as BOF (Ball of Fluff) stud book for the littler WB wannabees. Sorted


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## PapaFrita (30 March 2012)

horsey mad matt said:



			dear papa frita 
 i am having a bit of a problem, my horse wont go faward when i am riding, i only have a pony standing martingale on his flash noseband, with a dutch gag on bottom whole and a pair of draw reins. i just don't understand why he has his chin touching his chest and wont move forward. i hate to use my legs too much so can you help me please. 

thanks HMM

p.s. he is a 24hh irish draught.
		
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Well HMM, it seems obvious to me that your horse is not going forward because you are not wearing SPURS. Tut tut. Off you go and get some really big basstads so you can prod and poke your horse into action. Remember; GADGETS not TRAINING gets results!! Oh, and lots of Huggly Horsemanship!!


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## Parker79 (30 March 2012)

Help PF

I am new to horses so I went out and bought a TB who was supposed to be 12, I didn't have him vetted as the lady was soooo nice, he turned out to be 18 and a crib biter. I decided I didnt like the collar he had to wear so I sold him (dont worry the advert didn't mention any of his flaws). 

As I am clearly now an experienced horse owner (on my second horse you know!) I bought a 2yo who was already broken and fit to go for 2 hour hacks, unfortunately now the horse has a bad back! I dont think it could be his saddle? it was from ebay and is very pretty, do you think he is just a sensitive sort? I think if I lunge him with side reins he should improve!


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## horsey mad matt (30 March 2012)

PapaFrita said:



			Well HMM, it seems obvious to me that your horse is not going forward because you are not wearing SPURS. Tut tut. Off you go and get some really big basstads so you can prod and poke your horse into action. Remember; GADGETS not TRAINING gets results!! Oh, and lots of Huggly Horsemanship!!
		
Click to expand...

oh course why didn't i think of that, it is so obvious i could ''''KICK MYSELF'''!!!!!


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## Goldenstar (30 March 2012)

PapaFrita said:



			Oh dear. Once again the inexperienced are hoodwinked into buying unsuitable horses *sigh*
Well, first of all you will have to dye him black with one of my Triumph Tint range. THEN you will be able to register your horse with one of my Specialized Warmblood stud books, especially created for people who have horses that aren't _technically_ warmbloods, or might be with a bit of imagination, but you can't be sure. Geldings are allowed as well. These include the NSWII (Not Sure What It Is) Stud Book, the LOMATAHF (Lots of Mane and Tail and Hairy Fetlocks) stud book as well as BOF (Ball of Fluff) stud book for the littler WB wannabees. Sorted 

Click to expand...

Oh Thankyou I am so relieved that no problem is indeed to big for you to solve ,
Now I can get back to customising my dressage saddle with stick on crystals for my first outing . Should I do my boots as well or would that be OTT.
By the way how many bottles of triumph tint will I need for a a 16.3 and should I do my hair as well !is it de rigeur to match?
Must go as I have superglued my finger to the iPad


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## PapaFrita (30 March 2012)

littlelegs said:



			Please help 
I recently bought a 10yr old tb stallion for my 4 yr old to ride. It was unbroken, but I've been riding a year now so was more than experienced enough to break & school it the first day we got it. I'm 28 stone so just right for it. It wears a double bridle we made ourselves, with a gag & kimblewick as bits. My question is this- which bit should the draw reins go on? And should the too small martingale be on the flash or grackle? And when we ride, any tips for stopping the de-gogue, market harborough, & side reins getting tangled? Once I have these minor issues sorted, he'll be a fantastic first pony. Also, if he covers a mare while daughters at a pony club rally, who pays, the dc or the owner? Thankyou for your help, yours sincerely, Mrs four- king idiot
		
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You should have reins on ALL the bits, or roundings. They'll do as well. I can see you're a very experienced rider and know a LOT about tack. As you're so experienced, you can probably start to add drawreins to the mix, so you can REALLY get a good head position. 
If your stallion covers a mare, then the owner has to pay you for the covering, regardless of whether or not they wanted a foal or not. They should understand that stallions have NEEDS and if their mare is being a strumpet then they have to take responsibility, not you. He can't help himself, after all


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## Littlelegs (30 March 2012)

Thankyou papa frita! I am indeed highly experienced, I have bought all the gadgets possible & can usually tell one from the other. It just got a bit confusing with degogue on the kimblewick, side reins on the gag etc. Following your fantastic advice, I intend to put roundings between both bits, & thread everything on there. Glad someone at last recognizes that any horse can be suitable with enough gadgets! Yours gratefully, Mrs four-king idiot.


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## horsey mad matt (30 March 2012)

dear pappa frita
i have had reall problem on keeping weight on my other horse this winter, it is really upsetting, i feel like such a bad owner having him looking thin but i just can't get it on. i feed him on i standard bucket of weight gain mix 10 times a day and he has unlimited silege. i have had to stop working him and he is kept in a stable sized pen which is moved daily so he has grass but cannot move so as not to loose anymore weight!!!

please heeellllpppp before my horse starves to death

p.s. this is a pick of him coming out of winter

http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?q=ob...art=0&ndsp=18&ved=1t:429,r:14,s:0&tx=75&ty=66


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## PapaFrita (30 March 2012)

Parker79 said:



			Help PF

I am new to horses so I went out and bought a TB who was supposed to be 12, I didn't have him vetted as the lady was soooo nice, he turned out to be 18 and a crib biter. I decided I didnt like the collar he had to wear so I sold him (dont worry the advert didn't mention any of his flaws). 

As I am clearly now an experienced horse owner (on my second horse you know!) I bought a 2yo who was already broken and fit to go for 2 hour hacks, unfortunately now the horse has a bad back! I dont think it could be his saddle? it was from ebay and is very pretty, do you think he is just a sensitive sort? I think if I lunge him with side reins he should improve!



Click to expand...

Ah yes, sellers are just the loveliest people, aren't they? Strangely enough, their phones always cease to work once their horses have been sold... Odd *muses*
As for your new horse, he sounds delightful. As you probably know, it is a complete myth that a saddle should fit a horse. Any saddle can fit any horse, all you need is some more padding under it to make it comfortable. A thick bit of sponge should do the trick. Also, lots and lots of lunging in very small circles (side reins VERY important) will help toughen him up; babies are all a bit soft at first


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## PapaFrita (30 March 2012)

horsey mad matt said:



			oh course why didn't i think of that, it is so obvious i could ''''KICK MYSELF'''!!!!! 

Click to expand...

It's all in my DVD set  Don't forget to take your spurs OFF for when you kick YOURSELF


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## FrodoBeutlin (30 March 2012)

PapaFrita said:



			You should have reins on ALL the bits
		
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Would you do a french plait then?


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## Paris1 (30 March 2012)

Dear PF my horse is a really odd shape, I can't find a saddle on eBay that looks right. Her rail is also furry to the bottom with a whisp like a lions rail bit at the bottom. Is my friends pony eating his tail. Or is my horse a cow?


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## PapaFrita (30 March 2012)

Goldenstar said:



			Oh Thankyou I am so relieved that no problem is indeed to big for you to solve ,
Now I can get back to customising my dressage saddle with stick on crystals for my first outing . Should I do my boots as well or would that be OTT.
By the way how many bottles of triumph tint will I need for a a 16.3 and should I do my hair as well !is it de rigeur to match?
Must go as I have superglued my finger to the iPad
		
Click to expand...

If your boots are not patent or metallic sheened, then yes, do add lots of crytals. The objective is to DAZZLE like a disco ball!!
It will take about 3 bottles of Triumph Tint for your horse (£120 per bottle at mates rates  ), but YOU should actually be blonde. This is the rule.


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## PapaFrita (30 March 2012)

littlelegs said:



			Thankyou papa frita! I am indeed highly experienced, I have bought all the gadgets possible & can usually tell one from the other. It just got a bit confusing with degogue on the kimblewick, side reins on the gag etc. Following your fantastic advice, I intend to put roundings between both bits, & thread everything on there. Glad someone at last recognizes that any horse can be suitable with enough gadgets! Yours gratefully, Mrs four-king idiot.
		
Click to expand...

Glad to help. Don't forget to buy my DVDs


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## PapaFrita (30 March 2012)

horsey mad matt said:



			dear pappa frita
i have had reall problem on keeping weight on my other horse this winter, it is really upsetting, i feel like such a bad owner having him looking thin but i just can't get it on. i feed him on i standard bucket of weight gain mix 10 times a day and he has unlimited silege. i have had to stop working him and he is kept in a stable sized pen which is moved daily so he has grass but cannot move so as not to loose anymore weight!!!

please heeellllpppp before my horse starves to death

p.s. this is a pick of him coming out of winter

http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?q=ob...art=0&ndsp=18&ved=1t:429,r:14,s:0&tx=75&ty=66

Click to expand...

Hmm, yes,I can see your problem; definitely not enough topline. I would start feeding flapjacks, as advised (much) earlier in the thread. Don't scrimp on the syrup and keep him as still as possible so he doesn't lose any more condition!!


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## PapaFrita (30 March 2012)

FrodoBeutlin said:



			Would you do a french plait then?
		
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Yes, this is a very good idea. I can tell you've been studying my DVDs. I trust you own a Huggly Horsemanship patented ambidextrous headcollar with the extra heavy Clunk Clip and a banana stick??


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## PapaFrita (30 March 2012)

Paris1 said:



			Dear PF my horse is a really odd shape, I can't find a saddle on eBay that looks right. Her rail is also furry to the bottom with a whisp like a lions rail bit at the bottom. Is my friends pony eating his tail. Or is my horse a cow?
		
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It IS possible that your horse is a cow. Luckily for you, I have recently published a brand new set of informative DVDs entitled Cuddly Cowmanship. Make your cow into a horse in 450 easy stages. All for only £4500!! Special saddles also available for cows at the bargain price of £13000!!


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## Queenbee87 (30 March 2012)

I agree with dressage riders having to be blonde. I pencil my eyebrows with a black eyebrow pencil so I am matchy matchy with my (dyed) black dressage horsie. I think I need to buy a few more gadgets and dead sheep before we can reach GP levels. Think I need a banana stick as my horsie's chin does not touch their chest despite my draw reins, although perhaps if I have dead sheep it will fall in to place?

By the way, I'm 34 stone which I feel is a perfect weight for my 16hh fine horsie- I read it on a website somewhere.

I am, however, quite concerned about the fuel crisis at the moment though- how can I expect my horsie to function without petrol?


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## Goldenstar (30 March 2012)

PapaFrita said:



			If your boots are not patent or metallic sheened, then yes, do add lots of crytals. The objective is to DAZZLE like a disco ball!!
It will take about 3 bottles of Triumph Tint for your horse (£120 per bottle at mates rates  ), but YOU should actually be blonde. This is the rule.
		
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Oh good I am blonde but only five feet five do you have a product to fix this ?
Also I have a very smart Clydesdale / welsh section D and he has a driving society passport clearly this will not do but which of your special passports would be most apporiate as I have clipped off all his hair except his mane and tail so could a LOMAT be arranged as I clipped his leg oh and pulled his mane.as it kept getting tangled in my stirrups.
Gosh this is so exhausting ,getting everything right perhaps you need to make rider tonic too of course you would need to do a low sugar/ starch one with linseed and magnesium for when we wear high heels and get sore feet and to go without shoes for a while . There a lot of potential for papa Frita products.
Yours gratefully 
Goldenstar


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## PapaFrita (30 March 2012)

Queenbee87 said:



			I agree with dressage riders having to be blonde. I pencil my eyebrows with a black eyebrow pencil so I am matchy matchy with my (dyed) black dressage horsie. I think I need to buy a few more gadgets and dead sheep before we can reach GP levels. Think I need a banana stick as my horsie's chin does not touch their chest despite my draw reins, although perhaps if I have dead sheep it will fall in to place?

By the way, I'm 34 stone which I feel is a perfect weight for my 16hh fine horsie- I read it on a website somewhere.

I am, however, quite concerned about the fuel crisis at the moment though- how can I expect my horsie to function without petrol? 

Click to expand...

You sound ALMOST perfect. You ARE however, a tiny bit underweight and should bulk up a bit. Can't look like a twig on your horse!!
As for the fuel crisis; suggest having your horse adapted to run on gas, then you can bottle his farts and use those!! Result!


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## FrodoBeutlin (31 March 2012)

Queenbee87 said:



			I am, however, quite concerned about the fuel crisis at the moment though- how can I expect my horsie to function without petrol? 

Click to expand...

Sorry guys but I think we have a serious misunderstanding here, of course horses need petrol to function but we're not talking about fuel, we're talking about a matchy matchy colour scheme......!!!!!


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## PapaFrita (31 March 2012)

FrodoBeutlin said:



			Sorry guys but I think we have a serious misunderstanding here, of course horses need petrol to function but we're not talking about fuel, we're talking about a matchy matchy colour scheme......!!!!!
		
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This is a VERY good point!!! I can see the DVDs are working their magic!! I NOW think perhaps they may have been referring to the Anky Petrol Matchy Matchy set!! Everything makes sense now and balance has been restored to the universe  Phew.


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## Queenbee87 (31 March 2012)

PF thank you! Is there a huggly horsemanship bulking up diet I can follow?

FB- my bandages are matchy matchy (but not contrasty contrasty) with the 7 jerry cans I've just filled. Will this help with my GP dreams or should I send the horse back 'coz it"s not suitable for my needs?


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## Dave282B (31 March 2012)

Dear Papa 
I hope I can call you this as I feel like we are friends already just reading your post. Any how this is my dilemma
I am new to the horses but have had extensive training at centre parc's trekking centres plus a pony trekking trip to Wales last year so I am no novice.
So I was telling gypsy Jo in the boozer about it and he has sold me a trotter for £15k which I pick up next time I see him, but he has not been in for the last few weeks !
Anyhow I have watched the morning line and it got me thinking of the time we were trekking in Wales when my pony jumped a log .
The two questions are 1. Can you just turn up on the day and enter the Grand National and 2. Is Aintree near Brantree ?


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## Littlelegs (31 March 2012)

I will be following This with interest, I hope you can enter the national on the day. Papa frita has helped me with a tb stallion I bought for my 4 yr old & I thought as she's well under jockey weight she's bound to win. We also plan to do badminton if we can get times that don't interfere with her naps.


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## Dave282B (31 March 2012)

Why thankyou littlelegs I am just going to see if I can pick up a brightly coloured jumper in George like they all seem to wear


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## Goldenstar (31 March 2012)

Dave282B said:



			Why thankyou littlelegs I am just going to see if I can pick up a brightly coloured jumper in George like they all seem to wear
		
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A golf shop is an excellent place to pick these jumpers, also those sticks things they sell are excellent for encouraging horses to go and they sell lovely little ear warmers for horses  ( you store them on the top of the stick things) Ahhh happy shopping .


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## Dave282B (31 March 2012)

This gets better all the time. I already have my lucky white Kappa shell suit leggings and they should wash up quite nice.
I never thought of the golf shop , I tried the Diesel store and Petroleum but they were both sold out!
You guys are just great and all I need now is for Papa to confirm the race entry.


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## Littlelegs (31 March 2012)

Do you have boots Dave? I picked up some fantastic ones in my local discount shoe store for £9.99. They have 4" heels so I look great in them on the ground too. But as i'm a stunning 28 stone I look well fit in white leggings anyway. Not at all like i'm smuggling walnuts.


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## Dave282B (31 March 2012)

I never thought about boots TBH as I thought trainers would be ok.
And before you all start they are black( almost)


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## Goldenstar (31 March 2012)

I think you need to start a trend Dave282B and go for boots that match or tone with the jumper , Papa Frita already makes  tints  so your horse can be the correct fashionable colour so boot dyes is a logical next product.


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## PapaFrita (31 March 2012)

Goldenstar said:



			Oh good I am blonde but only five feet five do you have a product to fix this ?
Also I have a very smart Clydesdale / welsh section D and he has a driving society passport clearly this will not do but which of your special passports would be most apporiate as I have clipped off all his hair except his mane and tail so could a LOMAT be arranged as I clipped his leg oh and pulled his mane.as it kept getting tangled in my stirrups.
Gosh this is so exhausting ,getting everything right perhaps you need to make rider tonic too of course you would need to do a low sugar/ starch one with linseed and magnesium for when we wear high heels and get sore feet and to go without shoes for a while . There a lot of potential for papa Frita products.
Yours gratefully 
Goldenstar
		
Click to expand...

Hmm, you ARE a bit short. Dressage riders should be around 6ft tall with very verrrry long legs to wrap round their very verrrry big horses. I DO actually (what a coincidence) have an exercise DVD called How to Grow 7 Inches. Oddly enough, I get a lot of requests from men who ask me to post in plain brown paper... *confused*
ANYway, you want the Used To Be Hairy registry for your handsome boy and yes, it IS a lot of work to get everything exactly right, but the results are worth it!
My supplement range is coming out soon!


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## PapaFrita (31 March 2012)

Queenbee87 said:



			PF thank you! Is there a huggly horsemanship bulking up diet I can follow?

FB- my bandages are matchy matchy (but not contrasty contrasty) with the 7 jerry cans I've just filled. Will this help with my GP dreams or should I send the horse back 'coz it"s not suitable for my needs?
		
Click to expand...

Get yourself some Fuel For Fatness Flapjacks from my health range. They work for horses AND humans! You'll soon be at the right weight  
I'll let FB answer the matchy question. She does it VERY well indeed


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## PapaFrita (31 March 2012)

Dave282B said:



			Dear Papa 
I hope I can call you this as I feel like we are friends already just reading your post. Any how this is my dilemma
I am new to the horses but have had extensive training at centre parc's trekking centres plus a pony trekking trip to Wales last year so I am no novice.
So I was telling gypsy Jo in the boozer about it and he has sold me a trotter for £15k which I pick up next time I see him, but he has not been in for the last few weeks !
Anyhow I have watched the morning line and it got me thinking of the time we were trekking in Wales when my pony jumped a log .
The two questions are 1. Can you just turn up on the day and enter the Grand National and 2. Is Aintree near Brantree ?
		
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Yes, of course you can enter on the day and yes, Aintree and Brantree are virtually next door to each other and you can hack there. Should you want to. BTW, bargain price on your horse!! Look forward to seeing photos. I trust you'll be training him with Huggly Horsemanship techniques?


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## Queenbee87 (31 March 2012)

PF- I'm typing this whilst stuck in a door frame; the flapjacks are certainly doing their job. Do you also sell door extenders for people on the quest to hit the perfect weight to be an effective rider?


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## Dave282B (31 March 2012)

Thanks Papa
Joe is dropping my steed off between midnight and 3am in a layby between Aintree and Brantree the night before the race and I am told he is good for 40 mph. I just need to take the padlock off the chain, tack up and get to the race on time
My mate is bringing a blunt penknife to cut his mane and tail so they don't drag on the floor and I am in.
Even though he is a trotter he jumps well. Said to Joe "does he jump" and was assured " oh he's a jumpy one for sure"
Gonna use my winnings to open a Donkey Sanctury in Marbella


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## Goldenstar (31 March 2012)

Dave282B said:



			Thanks Papa
Joe is dropping my steed off between midnight and 3am in a layby between Aintree and Brantree the night before the race and I am told he is good for 40 mph. I just need to take the padlock off the chain, tack up and get to the race on time
My mate is bringing a blunt penknife to cut his mane and tail so they don't drag on the floor and I am in.
Even though he is a trotter he jumps well. Said to Joe "does he jump" and was assured " oh he's a jumpy one for sure"
Gonna use my winnings to open a Donkey Sanctury in Marbella
		
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Can we all come to Marbella for our holidays we can help you rescue the cute donkeys we will get hundreds .
Then you will need to win lots of races to pay the bills and.......


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## FrodoBeutlin (31 March 2012)

Queenbee87 said:



			FB- my bandages are matchy matchy (but not contrasty contrasty) with the 7 jerry cans I've just filled. Will this help with my GP dreams or should I send the horse back 'coz it"s not suitable for my needs?
		
Click to expand...

Queenbee, contrasty contrasty is a new fashion, and to be totally honest, if you DO want to get to GP, if I were you I'd stick to centuries-old, PROVEN methods, i.e. matchy matchy. You can't really beat centuries of tradition and experience.....

(Aaaaah, the good old days when the Old Masters would tie matchy matchy hedgehogs to horses' tails to send them forwards! ....Incidentally I have it on good authority that Federico Grisone's idea of tying a cat to a pole and placing it under the horse's belly actually only came to him when he had a chestnut horse and could not find a chestnut hedgehog, so he used a ginger cat instead.)

Anyway, I am digressing. I wanted to say that I've heard on the radio that there is going to be a shortage of Eskadron bandages soon so DO panic buy or you may be left without....!!!!!!


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## Goldenstar (31 March 2012)

FrodoBeutlin said:



			Queenbee, contrasty contrasty is a new fashion, and to be totally honest, if you DO want to get to GP, if I were you I'd stick to centuries-old, PROVEN methods, i.e. matchy matchy. You can't really beat centuries of tradition and experience.....

(Aaaaah, the good old days when the Old Masters would tie matchy matchy hedgehogs to horses' tails to send them forwards! ....Incidentally I have it on good authority that Federico Grisone's idea of tying a cat to a pole and placing it under the horse's belly actually only came to him when he had a chestnut horse and could not find a chestnut hedgehog, so he used a ginger cat instead.)

Anyway, I am digressing. I wanted to say that I've heard on the radio that there is going to be a shortage of Eskadron bandages soon so DO panic buy or you may be left without....!!!!!!
		
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Are we safe to keep the bandages in the house ?


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## D66 (31 March 2012)

It is perfectly safe keeping bandages in the house so long as the horse is not wearing them.


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## Goldenstar (31 March 2012)

digger66 said:



			It is perfectly safe keeping bandages in the house so long as the horse is not wearing them.

Click to expand...

LOL excellent.


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## Queenbee87 (31 March 2012)

I shall have to extend my house to fit the boxes of bandages and saddle pads! Room is a bit scarce since I have enough petrol to fill a petrol station stored here.

What would you recommend to go with my (dyed) black horse? Does the HH dye work on hedgehogs?

How many sheep will I need to kill so I have enough dead sheep for GP levels?


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## Goldenstar (31 March 2012)

Queenbee87 said:



			I shall have to extend my house to fit the boxes of bandages and saddle pads! Room is a bit scarce since I have enough petrol to fill a petrol station stored here.

What would you recommend to go with my (dyed) black horse? Does the HH dye work on hedgehogs?

How many sheep will I need to kill so I have enough dead sheep for GP levels?
		
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If you pour the petrol from the cans and let it soak into the bandages and pads the whole lot will take less space and it will prevent the bandages and pads being eaten by mice.
Shocking pint is excellent on black horses and will enable your fans to spot you easily.
Triump tint works well on hedge hogs ( I checked on the bottle Papa Frita has lots of help full hints on the bottle ).
Eight sheep should ample be sure to get white ones as you need to dye them pink too.( However Frodo Beutin has her eyes on a very fetching black and white sheep perhaps you could get in there first  )


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## photo_jo (31 March 2012)

PapaFrita said:



			You need to repot and give him a bit of a prune. Considering how cold it is, I'd've thought he'd be a bit less green now. More brownish or white, if it's snowing.
		
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Dear PF you are a genius, I've repotted and pruned him and feel I now I just need the matchy matchy route-is this right for eventing as well as dressage? The only thing that worries me if petrol is the new matchy matchy will it be safe to singe his whiskers with a match to tidy him up?


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## black_horse (3 April 2012)

Dear PF

I have a problem, i have recently found out after 7 years of owning my horse that she kicks! Can i return her back to the stud i bought her from because clearly they lied to me when they said she was vice free?

I also realised that if i nibble on my horses ear, she doesnt kick. Do you think there is a link between nomming on horse flesh and the horse stopping exhibiting vices?

Many thanks
Horse lurver


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## FrodoBeutlin (7 April 2012)

Dear Pappa Fritta,

I have another problem. I have noticed that when I ride in my new patent double bridle (the nail varnish you recommended worked a treat, by the way, and have since used it on my boots, spur straps as well as helmet, for good measure) I can actually see my horse's teeth. These are very visible in the mirror.

I am writing to ask whether I should be encouraging this - I have a feeling that if the judge thinks my horse is smiling, he will look more favourably towards our test, a bit like with ballet dancers who smile when effortlessly performing their moves??

Please reply

FB


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## Littlelegs (7 April 2012)

Dear papa frita, 
I am far too good for all my local riding schools now I have been riding a year. I have seen some pictures of some men in dodgy clothes that go to a place that seems more my standard. I believe its called the Spanish riding school, do you have a contact no for them? And if I volunteer to help retrain those naughty ones who keep leaping about do you think I'd get free lessons? 
 Yours truly, 
Mrs four-king idiot.


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## FrodoBeutlin (7 April 2012)

littlelegs be careful if you do go as they have lots of rearers, please be careful, they should be PTS in my opinion!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## JFTDWS (7 April 2012)

littlelegs said:



			I have seen some pictures of some men in dodgy clothes ...
		
Click to expand...

I was deeply concerned where this was going at this point...


mmm thighs like steel.   oh the SRS fantasies come flooding back


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## abitodd (7 April 2012)

Dear PF,
Speaking of men in jodhpurs,I saw a hunky chap at a competition the other day who had obviously been vacuum packed into his jodhs.
Can you tell me where I can buy the kit to get my BF vacuum packed into his? 
Also can you tell me the best supplier of 'scenic' sweatshirts? I think one with ponies on would go well with the super tight jodhs,but am open to suggestions.
The outfit BTW is for wearing to shows etc.
PS,BF does not ride horses,I just want him to look the part when we go to shows. ........SO EXCITIED! Cannot wait to see his face when I present him with this planned outfit


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## Littlelegs (7 April 2012)

Frodobeutlin- you obviously didn't read my post correctly. I have now been riding ONE YEAR! Whilst a novice may find a rearer dangerous it is very easy for an experienced rider like myself to sort out. Infact, I've already prepared a report recommending they use neck straps & peacock irons to improve there safety. 
Jftd- your mind is as filthy as my own!


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## JFTDWS (7 April 2012)

littlelegs, I'm almost as experienced as you and I don't mind rearers either.  Can I come and watch / hang out with the jodhpured chaps too?


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## Littlelegs (7 April 2012)

Of course jftd- perhaps we could divide them up between us & give them extra 'riding' lessons? Maybe experiment with position?


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## Littlelegs (7 April 2012)

Abitodd- the equipment you need can be purchased at your local branch of Asda equestrian. It is labelled andrex & you fit it at home.


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## abitodd (7 April 2012)

littlelegs said:



			Abitodd- the equipment you need can be purchased at your local branch of Asda equestrian. It is labelled andrex & you fit it at home.
		
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Ahh! Thanks littlelegs! Will go to Asda later. If I can't find it I will go and ask at customer services. Thanks again.


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## JFTDWS (7 April 2012)

littlelegs said:



			Of course jftd- perhaps we could divide them up between us & give them extra 'riding' lessons? Maybe experiment with position?
		
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Now you're talking   I think there's a few horseless gymnastic and... _endurance_... "exercises" that might help them get the hang of this riding malarky 

mmm...thighs of steel...mmmm


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## Littlelegs (7 April 2012)

Don't forget about jumping! And let us never forget that practice makes perfect! 
...goes away to write to Jim'll fix it...


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## JFTDWS (7 April 2012)

littlelegs said:



			Don't forget about jumping! And let us never forget that practice makes perfect! 
...goes away to write to Jim'll fix it...
		
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Please don't bring images of Jimmy Saville into my SRS pervy fantasies 

Are you trying to make me gag


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## Amaranta (7 April 2012)

Dear PF

My farrier is very unreliable, despite my telephoning and texting every 1/2 hour he never returns my calls.

I am going to learn how to trim my own horse's feet, can you tell me what tools I should use, I have read a very good book about angle grinders and have invested in one is there anything else I would need, I am thinking about a cattle crush as all my horses are a little bit naughty with the farrier and I will under no circumstances let them be hit or punished for expressing themselves.

What do you think?

Thanks

NumptiesRus


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## D66 (7 April 2012)

Some one I know uses a slightly dirty body brush to groom her horse!!!!!  How long will I have to tut on a forum before she sees the error of her ways?


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## Dave282B (7 April 2012)

Dear PF
Like numptiesrus I am having trouble with my farrier and as he didn't turn up 5 minutes after my call so can you please advise if angle grinders work.
I found my granddaddy had left his wood working tool kit to me but the chisels and plane made a right mess
Timothy Wilson Ian Thompson


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## PapaFrita (7 April 2012)

black_horse said:



			Dear PF

I have a problem, i have recently found out after 7 years of owning my horse that she kicks! Can i return her back to the stud i bought her from because clearly they lied to me when they said she was vice free?

I also realised that if i nibble on my horses ear, she doesnt kick. Do you think there is a link between nomming on horse flesh and the horse stopping exhibiting vices?

Many thanks
Horse lurver
		
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Well, if she KICKS she's no bloomin' good to anyone so yes, send her back OR sell her (make no mention of her nasty little habit) OR you can buy my NoKickEm hobble kit and keep it on her at all times.
As for the nibbling on your horse's ear... perhaps you should try whispering??


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## PapaFrita (7 April 2012)

FrodoBeutlin said:



			Dear Pappa Fritta,

I have another problem. I have noticed that when I ride in my new patent double bridle (the nail varnish you recommended worked a treat, by the way, and have since used it on my boots, spur straps as well as helmet, for good measure) I can actually see my horse's teeth. These are very visible in the mirror.

I am writing to ask whether I should be encouraging this - I have a feeling that if the judge thinks my horse is smiling, he will look more favourably towards our test, a bit like with ballet dancers who smile when effortlessly performing their moves??

Please reply

FB
		
Click to expand...

Dear FB, I'm glad the varnish worked for you (as of course it would *smug*)
A judge will always look favourably on a horse that appears to be enjoying himself, so yes, smiling is to be encouraged. Judges also like horses to wag their tongues around. This means they are having a lovely time


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## PapaFrita (7 April 2012)

littlelegs said:



			Dear papa frita, 
I am far too good for all my local riding schools now I have been riding a year. I have seen some pictures of some men in dodgy clothes that go to a place that seems more my standard. I believe its called the Spanish riding school, do you have a contact no for them? And if I volunteer to help retrain those naughty ones who keep leaping about do you think I'd get free lessons? 
 Yours truly, 
Mrs four-king idiot.
		
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You cannot join the Spanish Riding School until you have mastered rising trot and can do it without hanging on to the mane or losing your stirrups... although in fact you won't need stirrups at the SRS.
They do, however, need lots of help sorting out all those naughty horses that buck, kick and rear *tut tut* I HAVE tried to educate them regarding Huggly Horsemanship, but they just will NOT listen...


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## PapaFrita (7 April 2012)

FrodoBeutlin said:



			littlelegs be careful if you do go as they have lots of rearers, please be careful, they should be PTS in my opinion!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
		
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Either PTS or cured with Huggly Horsemanship


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## PapaFrita (7 April 2012)

abitodd said:



			Dear PF,
Speaking of men in jodhpurs,I saw a hunky chap at a competition the other day who had obviously been vacuum packed into his jodhs.
Can you tell me where I can buy the kit to get my BF vacuum packed into his? 
Also can you tell me the best supplier of 'scenic' sweatshirts? I think one with ponies on would go well with the super tight jodhs,but am open to suggestions.
The outfit BTW is for wearing to shows etc.
PS,BF does not ride horses,I just want him to look the part when we go to shows. ........SO EXCITIED! Cannot wait to see his face when I present him with this planned outfit

Click to expand...

How good of you to encourage your BF into jodhs. They are so suuuper-sexy  Can you clingfilm him? That should give a similar effect to the vacuum pack you witnessed at the competition.
I think your BF will also look very handsome in either a My Little Pony sweatshirt, or a Thelwell one. Mark Todd, William F-P and Ollie T all have them!!


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## black_horse (7 April 2012)

Dear PF

I rang the stud that bred D 10 years ago and can you believe it they wont take her back . I said  i would get a lawyer to sue them under the animals act as she is clearly dangerous, and ill sue them under trading standards as she is not fit ofr purpose, its the studs fault its taken 10 years for it to show, they should have let me know!

When i telephoned the stud to inform them of this, the line went dead...clearly a problem with telephone reception there.

I tried whispering in my horses ear, but i ended up nibbling it again. However, i have subsequaintly learnt that if i nom her back leg off, she cant kick! result! now, should i nom all her legs off so she is balanced, or just canter here everwhere as she now only has three legs?


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## PapaFrita (7 April 2012)

Amaranta said:



			Dear PF

My farrier is very unreliable, despite my telephoning and texting every 1/2 hour he never returns my calls.

I am going to learn how to trim my own horse's feet, can you tell me what tools I should use, I have read a very good book about angle grinders and have invested in one is there anything else I would need, I am thinking about a cattle crush as all my horses are a little bit naughty with the farrier and I will under no circumstances let them be hit or punished for expressing themselves.

What do you think?

Thanks

NumptiesRus
		
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The angle grinder is a good start but you will also need a saw and a machete. Luckily both these items are available online from the Huggly Horsemanship shop, as are crushes (which I prefer to call Hugglers). You will be trimming your horses' feet in no time!!


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## Littlelegs (7 April 2012)

Thankyou papa frita! 
I'm not into all that fancy poncy dressage stuff like rising trot, but I can definitely show them how good I am at going very fast. None of them are actually as good as me, you don't even see them kicking & if they knew anything they'd be moving their hands all over the show as good riders like me do.
Oh well, maybe there's another type of riding I could do with them.


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## PapaFrita (7 April 2012)

digger66 said:



			Some one I know uses a slightly dirty body brush to groom her horse!!!!!  How long will I have to tut on a forum before she sees the error of her ways?
		
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Are you sure you're tutting loud enough? You should also make thinly veiled accusations, pretending that you're in fact referring to something entirely unconnected. That'll get the message across


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## PapaFrita (7 April 2012)

Dave282B said:



			Dear PF
Like numptiesrus I am having trouble with my farrier and as he didn't turn up 5 minutes after my call so can you please advise if angle grinders work.
I found my granddaddy had left his wood working tool kit to me but the chisels and plane made a right mess
Timothy Wilson Ian Thompson
		
Click to expand...

An angle grinder should work, but if you've got a rotary saw, that'll do the trick as well. Good luck!!


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## PapaFrita (7 April 2012)

black_horse said:



			Dear PF

I rang the stud that bred D 10 years ago and can you believe it they wont take her back . I said  i would get a lawyer to sue them under the animals act as she is clearly dangerous, and ill sue them under trading standards as she is not fit ofr purpose, its the studs fault its taken 10 years for it to show, they should have let me know!

When i telephoned the stud to inform them of this, the line went dead...clearly a problem with telephone reception there.

I tried whispering in my horses ear, but i ended up nibbling it again. However, i have subsequaintly learnt that if i nom her back leg off, she cant kick! result! now, should i nom all her legs off so she is balanced, or just canter here everwhere as she now only has three legs?
		
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Sue the basstads!! How very dare they not take her back?? It's only been ten years after all; any decent guarantee should cover that amount of time!!
On a different note, she should be fine with 3 legs, but she might need a peg leg to stop her toppling over when she's asleep. Try not to eat too much more of your horse, or she'll be too small for you!!


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## PapaFrita (7 April 2012)

littlelegs said:



			Thankyou papa frita! 
I'm not into all that fancy poncy dressage stuff like rising trot, but I can definitely show them how good I am at going very fast. None of them are actually as good as me, you don't even see them kicking & if they knew anything they'd be moving their hands all over the show as good riders like me do.
Oh well, maybe there's another type of riding I could do with them.
		
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Well, if you jiggle a lot when you trot and even better, if you BOUNCE, that's as good as rising trot!! you never see THEM jiggle, do you? Rubbish riders the lot of them. Thighs are overrated as well; not as attractive as Samantha Brick's, OR Pascal's- now HE's a hottie!!


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## Queenbee87 (7 April 2012)

Digger66- I think you need to call WHW or, even better, a Huggly Horsemanship Advisor. This clearly breaches the little known "6th Freedom" per the Animal Welfare Act- Freedom from dirty grooming kits. In the wild, horses would be groomed only with clean brushes  

Stories of such neglect sadden me.


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## black_horse (7 April 2012)

Dear PF, i decided that dee was rather delicious so i started nibbling a little more of her then i intended to. She is now 12.2hh, can i enter her into the NSP classes?


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## PapaFrita (7 April 2012)

Queenbee87 said:



			Digger66- I think you need to call WHW or, even better, a Huggly Horsemanship Advisor. This clearly breaches the little known "6th Freedom" per the Animal Welfare Act- Freedom from dirty grooming kits. In the wild, horses would be groomed only with clean brushes  

Stories of such neglect sadden me.
		
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Correction; clean HUGGLY HORSEMANSHIP grooming kit. The only kit that's good enough, humane enough and NATURAL enough, mimicking, as it does, the grooming techniques of feral horses... All other grooming kits just don't cut it!


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## PapaFrita (7 April 2012)

black_horse said:



			Dear PF, i decided that dee was rather delicious so i started nibbling a little more of her then i intended to. She is now 12.2hh, can i enter her into the NSP classes?
		
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Only if you cut your own legs off to match hers.


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## black_horse (7 April 2012)

PapaFrita said:



			Only if you cut your own legs off to match hers.
		
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It can be arranged


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## Goldenstar (7 April 2012)

Dear Papa Frita ,
I wanted to trim my own horses feet because I did not have an angle grinder I used my husbands chain saw this has gone well he now has very short toes so his heel support must be excellent however I find it a little large to correct the lateral balance . Do you have any advice what I may find in home or garage to use to do this ?
Yours 
Goldenstar


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## smokey (7 April 2012)

WoopsiiD said:



			I believe its called 'The Disney Smile'.

Can I break my little pony into harness by Sunday as the tax is up on my car and I was thinking that the pony could pull it.

Would I still be able to listen to the radio?
		
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have been reading through this with a smile on my face, but THIS ^ made me laugh out loud!


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## Littlelegs (7 April 2012)

Goldenstar- horses in the wild manage perfectly well without thoughts of lateral balance. However if you insist on fluffy hoof care I suggest you have a go with electric hedge pruning shears, & finish off with an electric sander. I'm sure papa frita can flog, I mean advise where to purchase them. Although I do need to point out hoofcare is secondary to expensive matchy matchy.


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## abitodd (7 April 2012)

Goldenstar said:



			Dear Papa Frita ,
I wanted to trim my own horses feet because I did not have an angle grinder I used my husbands chain saw this has gone well he now has very short toes so his heel support must be excellent however I find it a little large to correct the lateral balance . Do you have any advice what I may find in home or garage to use to do this ?
Yours 
Goldenstar
		
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A WORD OF WARNING!!!!!!!!!!

Please!Please! Please!!!!! make sure any tool you use,be it chainsaw,angle grinder,electric sander or carving knife, make sure it is KITE MARKED for safety. Many insurance companies will not pay out on claims if the tools used are not kite marked.


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## cambrica (7 April 2012)

abitodd said:



			A WORD OF WARNING!!!!!!!!!!

Please!Please! Please!!!!! make sure any tool you use,be it chainsaw,angle grinder,electric sander or carving knife, make sure it is KITE MARKED for safety. Many insurance companies will not pay out on claims if the tools used are not kite marked.
		
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Abitodd - Shame on you - you forgot to mention the rcd circuit breaker to protect user from high voltage electric shocks, Im sure the horse will withstand being electrocuted, afterall don't they get shocks all the time from electric fences


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## Goldenstar (7 April 2012)

Thank you abittod and cambrica I am sorry I have not Thanked you earlier for your kind advice but I have been busy there was quite a lot of errr blood after I sorted out his long toes earlier I was just swilling the place down.
Please don't worry about the circuit breaker the chainsaw is petrol . I have all the cans of spare petrol in the oven it keeps it nice and warm.
However I am no nearer to sorting out his lateral balance but I have had a thought,  how about I press his hoof on the hot plate of the Aga , would that do it?.


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## Achinghips (7 April 2012)

Dear PF
I spent the day today at Burnham Horse Trials and was rather disappointed that the little tweed miniskirts on sale were too small for me. I am afraid they only went up to a size 18 plus size and I am a svelte forty stone.  Do you think clothes manufacturers are discriminatory against us big boned lasse?  I just feel so left out of the green and pink tweed brigade - my social life was in tatters.  Thankfully I hung out at the donut store trailer which closed late so wasn't too isolated during the day ....  What should I do?

Yours 

Desperate in man sized-fleece


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## Goldenstar (7 April 2012)

littlelegs said:



			Goldenstar- horses in the wild manage perfectly well without thoughts of lateral balance. However if you insist on fluffy hoof care I suggest you have a go with electric hedge pruning shears, & finish off with an electric sander. I'm sure papa frita can flog, I mean advise where to purchase them. Although I do need to point out hoofcare is secondary to expensive matchy matchy.
		
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Don't worry I never let hoof care compromise matchy matchy that's why his toes where so long in the first place


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## Goldenstar (7 April 2012)

Achinghips said:



			Dear PF
I spent the day today at Burnham Horse Trials and was rather disappointed that the little tweed miniskirts on sale were too small for me. I am afraid they only went up to a size 18 plus size and I am a svelte forty stone.  Do you think clothes manufacturers are discriminatory against us big boned lasse?  I just feel so left out of the green and pink tweed brigade - my social life was in tatters.  Thankfully I hung out at the donut store trailer which closed late so wasn't too isolated during the day ....  What should I do?

Yours 

Desperate in man sized-fleece
		
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I find a travelling rug useful in these circumstances cut long ways to required length ,wrap round and secure with vet wrap tell people its Viviene Westwood ,
Sorted.


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## Achinghips (7 April 2012)

OMG Goldenstar thankyou so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so in need tonight, I shall put away the trifle and family pack of Minstrels, get the sewing machine out and work till dawn.  I have a dinner party tomorrow with WF-P and was so dreading the snubbs when I turned up in Harry Hall.


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## Littlelegs (7 April 2012)

Achinghips- do not despair. The fact they did not stock your size should not have prevented you wearing one. Indeed, everyone looks much more attractive wearing clothes several sizes too small. Another option would be to sue the donut stand for making you eat too many.


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## abitodd (7 April 2012)

Goldenstar said:



			Thank you abittod and cambrica I am sorry I have not Thanked you earlier for your kind advice but I have been busy there was quite a lot of errr blood after I sorted out his long toes earlier I was just swilling the place down.
Please don't worry about the circuit breaker the chainsaw is petrol . I have all the cans of spare petrol in the oven it keeps it nice and warm.
However I am no nearer to sorting out his lateral balance but I have had a thought,  how about I press his hoof on the hot plate of the Aga , would that do it?.
		
Click to expand...

I think you may be onto something! Give it a try and if it works set up the AGANHCP. (unless PF and Hugglyhorsemanship already have this covered.)
You might need to crank the old AGA up to full blast. Have a fag while you are waiting for it to get up to temp and keep an eye on that petrol!


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## FrodoBeutlin (14 April 2012)

Dear Pippa Fritta

In Competition Riders they are saying you are out of the Olympics, is this true??????????????

Worried Fan xxx


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## PapaFrita (14 April 2012)

FrodoBeutlin said:



			Dear Pippa Fritta

In Competition Riders they are saying you are out of the Olympics, is this true??????????????

Worried Fan xxx
		
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Well, as you know, both my horses have qualified for Showjumping, Dressage AND Eventing, and of course LC is only 3, which is all the more impressive and a veritable beacon of favourable publicity for Huggly Horsemanship. HOWEVER, I am terribly busy with my world tour at that time of year. The Olympics committee are trying to reschedule all the events for me, and I expect confirmation by the end of the day  *pats on shoulder* I understand how distressing the prospect of an entire olympics without me and the Huggly team is (the other riders are utterly distraught!), but you must try to be strong.


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## KellyJoArnold (2 January 2013)

Oops. I fell.... 


Happy New year everyone


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## Littlelegs (6 February 2013)

Bump!


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## TateandLyle (6 February 2013)

I would like to ask some advice Papa Frita. I have been told you know the answer to everything so I am putting my faith in you. I have a beautiful horse called Pete, he is a chestnut with four white feet and a little star. He has shoes on and we have never tried parelli. Pete is an anglo arab and is fed hay and a feed from a bucket twice a day. I have owned my lovely boy two weeks but have not been able to ride him yet because everytime I go near his stable he lays down. I have been advised it might be because he has a pink bridle so am buying a blue one as soon as I can. He wont get up even if I dangle carrots and sugar free polos in front of him. Im at a loss what to do, do you have any other siggestions before I ask for a refund and buy a girl horse instead? Thank you Love Penny


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## TateandLyle (7 February 2013)

Papa frita its Penny again. Sorry to keep bothering you but I really would appreciate your advice. I do have the vet coming at 4pm today but im so worried by all the comments on here about pete that I cant concentrate at school. Thanks love Penny x


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## Rollin (7 February 2013)

How lovely to see this thread again.  I thought the Fat Controller had banned PF for bringing horse owners into dis-repute - perish the thought.


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## Crazy_cat_lady (7 February 2013)

I need help with my Welsh D, i was down the yard the other day and he jumped backwards because he was scared yet again and landed on my foot and he flattened my foot and my Ug Boot which I was wearing because I cant possibly wear those steel capped boots as they dont go with my Burberry Trackie bottoms  This meant I couldnt wear my stilletto heels to go clubbing at the weekend so inconsiderate of him 

See I know I was talking on my phone at the time but I was having a CRUCIAL conversation about whether I should get Mcdonalds or KFC for tea- does he not understand how much more important that is. I then dropped my phone and its now broken and I have a very busy social life- very bad innit. 

Oh and wearing a riding hat really hurts as it keeps catching on my massive hoop earrings but i cant possibly not wear them 

Also I am very worried about how quickly the money seems to be spent in my bank account buying all this horse food etc. I need to know how to stop this as I want to buy a nice new hand bag but cant and of course now a new pair of Uggs 

Luvvv Chav in the Country


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## Gluttonforpunishment (10 June 2013)

Bumping as requested


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## armchair_rider (10 June 2013)

Dear PF,

I have a 3 yr old ex-racer, owned him for a fortnight now. I've been trying to keep his routine as mixed up and varied as possible cos racing is really exciting and I don't want him to get bored. But he still seems really nervous and unsettled. A ciggie always calms me down, but obviously it's a fire risk in his stable. So should I add chewing tobacco to his feed?


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## daughter's groom (10 June 2013)

PF I am so impressed with your ability to find an answer to everything. I wonder if you can help me. Where can I get a hat to wear to my son's wedding? I would like to keep in theme with the fact that he works in the electricity business. Sorry it's not a horsey question but I know everything about them so don't need any help there.


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## Dave282B (10 June 2013)

Hey DG  whilst PF is meditating over your question - cant you just find a large hat to " pile on" your head ?
.
.
I'll get me coat!


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## daughter's groom (11 June 2013)

I had thought of getting a "hair"ial fitted for the reception.


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## AMH777 (27 June 2013)

Is PF a fake trainer? I don't understand most of this forum:] Is it just me or is everything on this forum a joke? I'm totally clueless:]


----------



## Crazy_cat_lady (27 June 2013)

Pf I want to make a complaint at the lack of response I have gone through a further 10 pairs of uggs and when you have 20 kids it's very difficult

I might have to go on that Jeremy Kyle show to raise money for em all my mates have been on it so must be excellent innit? !

Chav in the country


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## millsandboon (27 June 2013)

OK here's a hard one. On the latest edition of British Horse Mag on page 20, there are two horses. Why have they got their ears on back to front?


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## Fellewell (27 June 2013)

Thank heavens you're back! My furrier came today and says my horse needs the support of a good all round steel band. Do you know if The Harbour Lights are still touring? Will they all squeeze into my Space Treka?
I hope it's not compulsory to do dressage while listening to music because at the moment he's deffo hors d'oeuvre with those feet!
The vet suggested bear's feet, I bet that's illegal and from China or some such, though Grizzly would suit his demeanour!
Please hurry, he's got Avuncular Disease.


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## Odd Socks (27 June 2013)

PF, my horse is chestnut with a scar on its back leg, can I show it in 'odd and unusual coloured' classes?  In fact, I quite like the scar, if I do a few more it'll look like an appy, how do i change my passport?


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## daughter's groom (28 June 2013)

AMH777- who  understands anything? Why should we?


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## limestonelil (12 February 2016)

Bump - I am re-reading this tonight cos I fancy a laugh.


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## Clannad48 (13 February 2016)

limestonelil said:



			Bump - I am re-reading this tonight cos I fancy a laugh.
		
Click to expand...

So glad you did - I've not long got in after spending time mucking out the horses for my daughter - dripping wet and I think I've done my back in again - I'm now smiling again - I'm sure this thread should be a sticky


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## Pedantic (13 February 2016)

Not quite sure, but I think I detected a bit of sarcasm in the original post.......


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## Pedantic (13 February 2016)

I'm 35stone, I've bought a 25 year old 2hh mini shetland with only 3 legs, which are all arthritic, I feed it Red Bull and smarties to give it some energy, it won't canter and headshakes, anyone got any tips....


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## Elf On A Shelf (13 February 2016)

Pedantic said:



			I'm 35stone, I've bought a 25 year old 2hh mini shetland with only 3 legs, which are all arthritic, I feed it Red Bull and smarties to give it some energy, it won't canter and headshakes, anyone got any tips....
		
Click to expand...

Only feed it blue smarties! The rest just make minis grumpy but the blue ones make them happy!


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## Snuffles (13 February 2016)

Re the headshaking, if you suspend a brick from each ear that will soon cure the problem,


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## neddy man (13 February 2016)

I have somehow missed this thread, only read page one, but i am going to have a lovely weekend reading the other120 or so pages ,thank you PF.


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## D66 (13 February 2016)

If you feed enough turmeric its missing leg will grow back.


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## Cinnamontoast (13 February 2016)

I'm uphauled at you lot. :mad3: Why has no-one yet suggested a carrot stick and the relevant hugely expensive DVD?!


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## D66 (13 February 2016)

At 2hh the pony is the same size as a carrot. It wouldn't be fair to wave that at the animal. . 
Maybe get a radish stick.


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## eahotson (14 February 2016)

cinnamontoast said:



			I'm uphauled at you lot. :mad3: Why has no-one yet suggested a carrot stick and the relevant hugely expensive DVD?!
		
Click to expand...

Give us time.


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## eahotson (14 February 2016)

Welcome back PapaFrita


----------



## eahotson (14 February 2016)

Pedantic said:



			Not quite sure, but I think I detected a bit of sarcasm in the original post.......
		
Click to expand...

Only a bit?


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## khalino (14 February 2016)

Q: MY HORSE SEEMS COLD...shall I shave it?


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## The Fuzzy Furry (14 February 2016)

khalino said:



			Q: MY HORSE SEEMS COLD...shall I shave it?
		
Click to expand...

Dont be so stupid :rolleyes3: You need to put on at LEAST 2 x 400g rugs, keep him in on a deep bed and don't let him out till Maytime  

HTH


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## neddy man (14 February 2016)

I'm a third of the way throgh the 120 ish pages now, and still loving it.


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## Beausmate (14 February 2016)

wot breed is he?

ibrought a horse froma geezer down the pub but i dont no wot brred it is!  it is short an itz feet r wierd an itz ears are all droopy an its teef ar sort of ponty an it waves itz tale about! dos it hav a bad back an shud i get a animal commnuctor to see it! it makes a odd noize to like a wuff noize

i wan it 2b a showjumper so i can win stuff an were bling!   

iz it likly to be gud


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## D66 (14 February 2016)

Beausmate said:



			wot breed is he?

ibrought a horse froma geezer down the pub but i dont no wot brred it is!  it is short an itz feet r wierd an itz ears are all droopy an its teef ar sort of ponty an it waves itz tale about! dos it hav a bad back an shud i get a animal commnuctor to see it! it makes a odd noize to like a wuff noize

i wan it 2b a showjumper so i can win stuff an were bling!   

iz it likly to be gud
		
Click to expand...

Yes, if you wear very fashionable clothes and your mount's saddle cloth is exactly the same shade as the stirrups and bandages you will always do double clears and go faster than anyone else. 
See you at HOYS 
It is probably a German shepherd horse. They are often to be sourced via a geezer in a pub.


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## Pedantic (14 February 2016)

I'm thinking of buying a 15hh 15 year old slightly arthritic pony, will I be too heavy for it ?, I won't tell you how heavy I am, if you ask me I will accuse you of being Racist and Homophobic and run off the the admin claiming bullying, here is a picture with me "behind" the pony so you can't see how Mahoosive I am. NOA


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## Beausmate (14 February 2016)

Pedantic said:



			I'm thinking of buying a 15hh 15 year old slightly arthritic pony, will I be too heavy for it ?, I won't tell you how heavy I am, if you ask me I will accuse you of being Racist and Homophobic and run off the the admin claiming bullying, here is a picture with me "behind" the pony so you can't see how Mahoosive I am. NOA
		
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As long as you don't weigh more than the horse + 20%, you will be fine.  Turmeric and nightshade for the arthritis and you're good to go.


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## highlandponygirl (14 February 2016)

I'm thinking about buying my first horse. I have been riding for a month but have read loads of books, including The Horse Whisperer and feel I'm ready to buy my own. 

My dream is to buy a beautiful warmblood who I will have an amazing career in top level showjumping with and hopefully the Olympics *gushes with excitment* I've seen this realllllly cute WB foal who is 10 weeks old and I really think he could be 'the one'. I visited him and he was just toooo adorable, and is a really pretty black and white patchy colour, his mummy was nice too she was 9 hh but her owner assured me the foal will exceed 16hh. The foal looks amazing even if one of his legs is a bit shorter than the others - with the right management i'm sure it will grow.

I wasn't really looking for a baby horse but think it would be just an amazing story if we both grew together and became best friends. Maybe when I train him to be really good at jumping he might be good for breeding showjumpers.

What do you think?  

I'm so excited to hopefully be bringing him home next week *toodles off to buy saddles, bridles and all the training gadgets I will need to start our taining when he arrives*


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## exracehorse (14 February 2016)

Some very witty responses. Made me smile on such a cold horrid day.  What's scary is that most of these are on chit chat and tack. &#128521;


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## ahorseandadog (14 February 2016)

XD. These are comical!


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## EquiEquestrian556 (14 February 2016)

Hi.

I have a really pretty piebald cob horse I rescued from the meat man a year ago. He was going really well until a month ago, and now he is really lame (about 9/10s), but only in canter, and when we are schooling. He can't even stay in a straight line without almost falling over, and bobs his head up and down. It's also really hard work getting him to canter. He's great to do x country with tho (he jumped 1.30 meters with me in a flat out gallop the over day, lol), loves the galloping parts, so it only hurts him when we do schooling. He's really good at sj to, an can do up to 1.50 meters!!! I haven't got much money, so havent had the vet out yet, but the physio has been an said that he's got a knot in his right shoulder, but she doesn't think that it's why he's lame.

'cause he's only lame in the school, I think he'd really like to go to a hunting home since he loves xc, do you think i should sell him to a hunting home? i think he'd love leading the dogs over the country, with all them jumps!!!!

Let me know what you think


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## On the Hoof (14 February 2016)

highlandponygirl said:



			I'm thinking about buying my first horse. I have been riding for a month but have read loads of books, including The Horse Whisperer and feel I'm ready to buy my own. 

My dream is to buy a beautiful warmblood who I will have an amazing career in top level showjumping with and hopefully the Olympics *gushes with excitment* I've seen this realllllly cute WB foal who is 10 weeks old and I really think he could be 'the one'. I visited him and he was just toooo adorable, and is a really pretty black and white patchy colour, his mummy was nice too she was 9 hh but her owner assured me the foal will exceed 16hh. The foal looks amazing even if one of his legs is a bit shorter than the others - with the right management i'm sure it will grow.

I wasn't really looking for a baby horse but think it would be just an amazing story if we both grew together and became best friends. Maybe when I train him to be really good at jumping he might be good for breeding showjumpers.

What do you think?  

I'm so excited to hopefully be bringing him home next week *toodles off to buy saddles, bridles and all the training gadgets I will need to start our taining when he arrives*
		
Click to expand...

Spits tea out over IPad ...kin brilliant


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## EquiEquestrian556 (14 February 2016)

also, how do i get his head on the bit? i tried putting a 3 rings gag on him an drawing rains, but he just tried to rear up, an didnt move!!!! my instructor said that i should wear spurs, but im not sure. What if i hurt him with them? sould i try lundging him in a passowa?


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## highlandponygirl (14 February 2016)

EquiEquestrian556 said:



			also, how do i get his head on the bit? i tried putting a 3 rings gag on him an drawing rains, but he just tried to rear up, an didnt move!!!! my instructor said that i should wear spurs, but im not sure. What if i hurt him with them? sould i try lundging him in a passowa?
		
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You need to use three sets of reins on the gag bit along side the drawing rein. This WILL get him on the bit. 

Also what's a passowa? I think I might need one for my new foal.


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## cappucino (14 February 2016)

highlandponygirl said:



			I'm thinking about buying my first horse. I have been riding for a month but have read loads of books, including The Horse Whisperer and feel I'm ready to buy my own. 

My dream is to buy a beautiful warmblood who I will have an amazing career in top level showjumping with and hopefully the Olympics *gushes with excitment* I've seen this realllllly cute WB foal who is 10 weeks old and I really think he could be 'the one'. I visited him and he was just toooo adorable, and is a really pretty black and white patchy colour, his mummy was nice too she was 9 hh but her owner assured me the foal will exceed 16hh. The foal looks amazing even if one of his legs is a bit shorter than the others - with the right management i'm sure it will grow.

I wasn't really looking for a baby horse but think it would be just an amazing story if we both grew together and became best friends. Maybe when I train him to be really good at jumping he might be good for breeding showjumpers.

What do you think?  

I'm so excited to hopefully be bringing him home next week *toodles off to buy saddles, bridles and all the training gadgets I will need to start our taining when he arrives*
		
Click to expand...

Please don't waste your money buying new stuff for your new horsie. Just post in any fb page asking for free or very cheap stuff. Loads of people will be happy to give you things as I'm sure they didn't have to save up to buy them in the first place, they will just be sitting around the tack room. Be sure to ask for them to deliver them to you for free, as that will save on fuel  

Don't worry about the short leg, it will just help your horse to jump fences on corners  

Hopefully he won't grow too big so you can save money on livery and keep him in the back garden 

Good luck


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## EquiEquestrian556 (14 February 2016)

highlandponygirl said:



			You need to use three sets of reins on the gag bit along side the drawing rein. This WILL get him on the bit. 

Also what's a passowa? I think I might need one for my new foal.
		
Click to expand...

oh right, thanx! will go an put 3 rains on. do you think i should also wear spurs? 
A passowa is this really cool thing that ties your horses head down so they go on the bit and look all nice an pretty, it has all these other ropes to that go all over you're horses body (don't know what they do tho). you can only lundge in it tho. you should deffo get on for you're knew foal!!


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## highlandponygirl (14 February 2016)

EquiEquestrian556 said:



			oh right, thanx! will go an put 3 rains on. do you think i should also wear spurs? 
A passowa is this really cool thing that ties your horses head down so they go on the bit and look all nice an pretty, it has all these other ropes to that go all over you're horses body (don't know what they do tho). you can only lundge in it tho. you should deffo get on for you're knew foal!!  

Click to expand...

I think you should wear spurs, they look really cool especially the ones with the diamantes round them. People will think you are a experienced rider too. I'm going to get a pair of the diamante ones, they'll match my hat trim.

I'll defo be trying the passowa then, my foal will need to look the part at all the shows I'm planning this summer. Do you think I could make my own if they're just made out of rope? It will save me some money lol


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## EquiEquestrian556 (14 February 2016)

highlandponygirl said:



			I think you should wear spurs, they look really cool especially the ones with the diamantes round them. People will think you are a experienced rider too. I'm going to get a pair of the diamante ones, they'll match my hat trim.

I'll defo be trying the passowa then, my foal will need to look the part at all the shows I'm planning this summer. Do you think I could make my own if they're just made out of rope? It will save me some money lol
		
Click to expand...

Great, thank you! Id love to look like a pro.

Oh yeah, im sure you could make your own, its only rope besides, an making your own would mean that you dont have to pay unnecessary money to. In fact, i'm sure you could get a secondhand one off fb.


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## PapaFrita (13 March 2016)

Bump. Just because


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## chillipup (13 March 2016)

PapaFrita said:



			Bump. Just because 

Click to expand...

Well about time too! Welcome back. Where on earth have you been? I read back through all the posts and your fabulous, caring answers and sadly, have to admit, I did indeed wet myself through laughing so very much..tena lady is now my friend!


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## Goldenstar (13 March 2016)

Hey ,my favourite threads back from the dead .


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## PapaFrita (13 March 2016)

chillipup said:



			Well about time too! Welcome back. Where on earth have you been? I read back through all the posts and your fabulous, caring answers and sadly, have to admit, I did indeed wet myself through laughing so very much..tena lady is now my friend! 

Click to expand...

I've been doing boring, adult stuff... this is much more fun


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## Zoobie (13 March 2016)

Can I use
My mares thrush cream on my foof ???


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## JFTDWS (13 March 2016)

Zoobie said:



			Can I use
My mares thrush cream on my foof ???
		
Click to expand...

No.

Because everyone knows you mean your Daisy.


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## Dave282B (13 March 2016)

Zombie , the wifey uses purple spay , brightens things up too


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## Cinnamontoast (13 March 2016)

PapaFrita said:



			Bump. Just because 

Click to expand...

Yay! 

How can I oil my cob's feather? He refuses to stand in the four buckets of Castrol GTX that I provide daily.


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## Dave282B (13 March 2016)

Zoobie bloody auto correct


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## JFTDWS (13 March 2016)

Dave has a purple trouser snake :eek3: :eek3: :eek3:


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## Dave282B (13 March 2016)

JFTD said:



			Dave has a purple trouser snake :eek3: :eek3: :eek3:
		
Click to expand...

Unless she's having to use the endomycin blue sheep foot rot version that particular day


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## JFTDWS (13 March 2016)

Dave282B said:



			Unless she's having to use the endomycin blue sheep foot rot that particular day 

Click to expand...

At least you know you won't get cock-rot I suppose...


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## PapaFrita (13 March 2016)

Zoobie said:



			Can I use
My mares thrush cream on my foof ???
		
Click to expand...

Yes.


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## PapaFrita (13 March 2016)

cinnamontoast said:



			Yay! 

How can I oil my cob's feather? He refuses to stand in the four buckets of Castrol GTX that I provide daily.
		
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Well you need to try the banana stick and view all 6 seasons of Huggly Horsemanship so that he listens to you!!!


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## chillipup (14 March 2016)

My sister's uncle's nephew's mother in law's brother is a Catholic. Will I go to hell, as she says, If I try to breed my miniature Shetland gelding with my mate's 18.6hh donkey stallion? I'm hoping to get a lovely floofie and cuddly fole from this mating. I've been looking at horse pictures on google for ages and I've got about 3 months online experience in manually assisted stud duties and equine AI (I think this stands for Above Intelligence) and I've been carry out the practical lessons on my guinea pig- although he doesn't look so happy now. I'm also going to take my BHS11 (British Home Stores, grade 2) in shopping etiquette next week. Should I believe them about going to hell or should I just go ahead with the mating? 
PS my dad keeps saying if I had a brain I'd be ****ing dangerous, I think he likes to joke LOL


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## Cobbytype (14 March 2016)

You know how everyone on here says turmeric is good for stiffness; well would it help my gelding become a stallion? And if it is any good for that, do I feed it to him or dip his winky in it? We have a big tub of it as my mum uses it for cooking all the time but I don't think she'd be happy if I had to do the dippy thing. Maybe I should just do it and not tell her? What do you think?


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## Goldenstar (14 March 2016)

Cobbytype said:



			You know how everyone on here says turmeric is good for stiffness; well would it help my gelding become a stallion? And if it is any good for that, do I feed it to him or dip his winky in it? We have a big tub of it as my mum uses it for cooking all the time but I don't think she'd be happy if I had to do the dippy thing. Maybe I should just do it and not tell her? What do you think?
		
Click to expand...

I would mix it with polyfilla in equal parts add some black pepper and add water till it's a stiff paste and pack his sheath with it , that should do the trick .


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## JFTDWS (14 March 2016)

Goldenstar said:



			I would mix it with polyfilla in equal parts add some black pepper and add water till it's a stiff paste and pack his sheath with it , that should do the trick .
		
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You need to do this, but shape it into giant balls and stick them on with no more nails type adhesive glue...


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## only_me (14 March 2016)

I want to buy a pony. I've read loads of magazines on how to look after and care for ponies.  our garden is big enough (it's 12x12, so just like a stable really) and there's a plastic green house he can live in. According to the magazines ponies only need to eat grass as well. 

I'm looking a 14.2 5-8 year old pony (don't mind if girl/boy/inbetween) that is real quite as I live beside motorway & want to ride on it. So must be bombproof (literally) cos I live in NI. It must be jumpin at least 1.20 as that's the height of fence round garden & me mam doesn't want pony in the house, so our only way out. Plus jumpin seems real fun too. Budget is £500. And come with saddle/bridle-thingy too. 

Can you help me find one please?


Also, we've a wee car trailer that da says can put pony on to bring to shows & stuff. Any ideas on how to tie pony down so won't jump out? There's no roof just a bar at the front trailer.


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## smja (14 March 2016)

Welcome back, Papa Frita! Must go back to doing work now, they're getting suspicious that I keep laughing randomly...


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## Cobbytype (14 March 2016)

JFTD said:



			You need to do this, but shape it into giant balls and stick them on with no more nails type adhesive glue...
		
Click to expand...

I tried this and one of em keeps falling off, but I've some sticky back plastic left over from making a sky rocket somewhere, so I'll use that. The turmeric has dyed them bright orange and I'm going to save up and buy a saddle cloth and jods in the same colour so we're all matchy matchy. Can't wait til my friends see us at the gymkhana. Amazeballs or what!


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## Gloi (14 March 2016)

only_me said:



			Also, we've a wee car trailer that da says can put pony on to bring to shows & stuff. Any ideas on how to tie pony down so won't jump out? There's no roof just a bar at the front trailer.
		
Click to expand...

It will be fine look   http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=df5_1376273669


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## tallyho! (14 March 2016)

my mare's let herself "go" a bit. 

why is this? are there some specific huggly horsemanship techniques i can use to stop her?


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## JFTDWS (14 March 2016)

She's disrespecting you, TH.  You should dump her and buy a mare with more self-respect...


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## albeg (14 March 2016)

only_me said:



			I want to buy a pony. I've read loads of magazines on how to look after and care for ponies.  our garden is big enough (it's 12x12, so just like a stable really) and there's a plastic green house he can live in. According to the magazines ponies only need to eat grass as well. 

I'm looking a 14.2 5-8 year old pony (don't mind if girl/boy/inbetween) that is real quite as I live beside motorway & want to ride on it. So must be bombproof (literally) cos I live in NI. It must be jumpin at least 1.20 as that's the height of fence round garden & me mam doesn't want pony in the house, so our only way out. Plus jumpin seems real fun too. Budget is £500. And come with saddle/bridle-thingy too. 

Can you help me find one please?


Also, we've a wee car trailer that da says can put pony on to bring to shows & stuff. Any ideas on how to tie pony down so won't jump out? There's no roof just a bar at the front trailer.
		
Click to expand...

I have one for sale, her confirmation is a bit funny that's why she's only £500 pounds. This is her: http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41yfAHSAoyL._SX425_.jpg As you can see from the picture she's good to box and clip.
She has no passport, I accidentally put it in the washing machine, and when I took it out it was all soggy and you couldn't read it, but you don't need a passport to travel across the border from Ireland anyway so she won't need it, right? Her breeding is really good though, her mother was a champion showjumper who could jump over a house and her father was in some film, he was a big orange horse. I've never taken her out jumping but she'd definitely jump over your fence, she keeps jumping into my neighbours field and they got really cross which is silly cause they've a really big hedge so it's really impressive that she can jump it.


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## tallyho! (14 March 2016)

JFTD said:



			She's disrespecting you, TH.  You should dump her and buy a mare with more self-respect...
		
Click to expand...

I thought she loved me! 

*wail*


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## tallyho! (14 March 2016)

ailbheg said:



			I have one for sale, her confirmation is a bit funny that's why she's only £500 pounds. This is her: http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41yfAHSAoyL._SX425_.jpg As you can see from the picture she's good to box and clip.
She has no passport, I accidentally put it in the washing machine, and when I took it out it was all soggy and you couldn't read it, but you don't need a passport to travel across the border from Ireland anyway so she won't need it, right? Her breeding is really good though, her mother was a champion showjumper who could jump over a house and her father was in some film, he was a big orange horse. I've never taken her out jumping but she'd definitely jump over your fence, she keeps jumping into my neighbours field and they got really cross which is silly cause they've a really big hedge so it's really impressive that she can jump it.
		
Click to expand...

Such rare coat genetics!!!


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## JFTDWS (14 March 2016)

tallyho! said:



			I thought she loved me! 

*wail*
		
Click to expand...

Not enough to keep a hold of herself!


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## tallyho! (14 March 2016)

JFTD said:



			Not enough to keep a hold of herself!
		
Click to expand...

I should have known wouldn't last after the vetting 

My friends warned me. I thought she would be different. She hasn't even had a foal yet!!!

*sob*


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## JFTDWS (14 March 2016)

tallyho! said:



			I should have known wouldn't last after the vetting 

My friends warned me. I thought she would be different. She hasn't even had a foal yet!!!

*sob*
		
Click to expand...

Mares.  They're all the same.  It's all diets and make up until the vetting, and then it's Maccy Ds until her arse can't fit through her stable door, mud in her mane and if you even suggest a quickie, she'll try and have you with her teeth.


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## Dave's Mam (14 March 2016)

JFTD said:



			Mares.  They're all the same.  It's all diets and make up until the vetting, and then it's Maccy Ds until her arse can't fit through her stable door, mud in her mane and if you even suggest a quickie, she'll try and have you with her teeth.
		
Click to expand...

And flirting with the owner in the next yard.....


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## Bav (15 March 2016)

Cobbytype said:



			You know how everyone on here says turmeric is good for stiffness; well would it help my gelding become a stallion? And if it is any good for that, do I feed it to him or dip his winky in it? We have a big tub of it as my mum uses it for cooking all the time but I don't think she'd be happy if I had to do the dippy thing. Maybe I should just do it and not tell her? What do you think?
		
Click to expand...

To get the best out of turmeric you want the quickest way to ingest it. So I suggest that you snort it. And encourage your horse to do the same. The same can be said for magnesium to make him calmer once he's a stallion! If you start to feel a burning sensation then you've probably accidentally snorted chilli powder, which will make you and your soon to be stallion sheet  hot. So I wouldn't worry.


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## Dave's Mam (15 March 2016)

Bav said:



			To get the best out of turmeric you want the quickest way to ingest it. So I suggest that you snort it. And encourage your horse to do the same. The same can be said for magnesium to make him calmer once he's a stallion! If you start to feel a burning sensation then you've probably accidentally snorted chilli powder, which will make you and your soon to be stallion sheet  hot. So I wouldn't worry.
		
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Could this improve jumping ability?  One spoonful of chilli up the nose, jump like sheet!


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## Mike007 (15 March 2016)

I am worried about my Irish daft , I caught him snorting a line of "magnitude" through a rolled up copy of H&H. Have I been putting him under too much pressure to do dressage?


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## Bav (15 March 2016)

Mike007 said:



			I am worried about my Irish daft , I caught him snorting a line of "magnitude" through a rolled up copy of H&H. Have I been putting him under too much pressure to do dressage?
		
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Oh no! Quite the opposite. You see he must know that the spring grass is coming in, and that he may be coming into season and wants to stay relaxed and focused on the job at hand. If you're really concerned I'd reccommend doing a line yourself. Should make you more chilled and ready to work.


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## Bav (15 March 2016)

Camilla's Aunty Em said:



			Could this improve jumping ability?  One spoonful of chilli up the nose, jump like sheet!
		
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Not too sure about the chilli. Paprika perhaps?


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## Mike007 (15 March 2016)

Sadly the words relaxed ,and focused have never been words associated with my horse . I confess to having tried a little of his white powder but I never inhaled!


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## Bav (15 March 2016)

Mike007 said:



			Sadly the words relaxed ,and focused have never been words associated with my horse . I confess to having tried a little of his white powder but I never inhaled!
		
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Ahh. It mustn't be working  in that case I'd try getting him to eat an entire Aloe Vera plant in his feed? Aloe does amazing things didn't you know?


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## Mike007 (15 March 2016)

Clearly you do not know about Irish dafts. They hoover up so much plant life that one little aloevera plant will barely touch the sides!


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## D66 (15 March 2016)

I want to create a breed of horse that will take Facebook by storm. It doesn't matter what the offspring look like so long as the name sounds cute - or a little bit rude. 

So far all I can come up with is the s£itemara. Will have very short legs but will grow to 14.2 and be able to jump 1.2m - if it can see through its mane.


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## Alec Swan (7 February 2017)

The greatest HHO thread,  of all time.

That's it, &#8230;. The End! 

Alec.


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## tallyho! (7 February 2017)

No, never Alec - it's never the end!! 



D66 said:



			I want to create a breed of horse that will take Facebook by storm. It doesn't matter what the offspring look like so long as the name sounds cute - or a little bit rude. 

So far all I can come up with is the s£itemara. Will have very short legs but will grow to 14.2 and be able to jump 1.2m - if it can see through its mane.
		
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How did I miss this D66... flipping brilliant.

How about an Andaloony... highly strung small thing. Can do Spanish walk to escape electric fencing, gallop on the spot with your 3yo riding and herd cats. All at the same time.


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## ManBearPig (7 February 2017)

D66 said:



			I want to create a breed of horse that will take Facebook by storm. It doesn't matter what the offspring look like so long as the name sounds cute - or a little bit rude. 

So far all I can come up with is the s£itemara. Will have very short legs but will grow to 14.2 and be able to jump 1.2m - if it can see through its mane.
		
Click to expand...

What about a s£itflinger?


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## Alec Swan (7 February 2017)

Zoobie said:



			Can I use
My mares thrush cream on my foof ???
		
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JFTD said:



			No.

Because everyone knows you mean your Daisy.
		
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PapaFrita said:



			Yes.
		
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Ok Zoobie,  there was advice for and against it seems.  I'm intrigued,  did you try it and was it a success?

Alec. 

ps.  Just idle curiosity,  you understand,  I'm not bothered either way.


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## Alec Swan (7 February 2017)

ManBearPig said:



			What about a s£itflinger?
		
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It's only the letter L that's kept you from the gallows,  I hope you realise! 

Alec.


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## horselady (7 February 2017)

D66 said:



			I want to create a breed of horse that will take Facebook by storm. It doesn't matter what the offspring look like so long as the name sounds cute - or a little bit rude. 

So far all I can come up with is the s£itemara. Will have very short legs but will grow to 14.2 and be able to jump 1.2m - if it can see through its mane.
		
Click to expand...

how about 4xshortlegs?


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## tallyho! (7 February 2017)

ManBearPig said:



			What about a s£itflinger?
		
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Sounds like a familiar pastime for rather a lot of people. Particularly here...


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## Dave's Mam (7 February 2017)

tallyho! said:



			Sounds like a familiar pastime for rather a lot of people. Particularly here...
		
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  Hahahahaha


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## KittenInTheTree (7 February 2017)

tallyho! said:



			How about an Andaloony... highly strung small thing. Can do Spanish walk to escape electric fencing, gallop on the spot with your 3yo riding and herd cats. All at the same time.
		
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I haven't got a three year old to test the gallop on the spot aspect, but my small companion pony certainly does the rest of what you describe!


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## Lintel (8 February 2017)

So funny reading through all these!! So scary though.... so much of its not too far from reality!


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## Micky (8 February 2017)

Makes me laugh every time I wad these but it's very sad to think there really are people out there who ask these questions!! My horse is 3 and unbacked...he doesn't know how to behave so can I lunge him for hours on end whipping and chasing him around the school until he's dripping with sweat? Latest I heard...


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## smja (8 February 2017)

This is the thread that inspired me to join H&H - thanks Alec for raising it from the depths!


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## DD (8 February 2017)

this thread  is 10 years old! only seems a couple of years ago when it started.


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## ester (8 February 2017)

seven, don't exaggerate


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## horselady (8 February 2017)

this thread makes me laugh


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## gmw (8 February 2017)

You don't know how painful it is to read   but I love it!!!!! Cheered me up no end.


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## The Fuzzy Furry (8 February 2017)

ester said:



			seven, don't exaggerate 

Click to expand...

6 and a bit to be exact


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## Alec Swan (8 February 2017)

I suspect that the exodus of many long term HHOers who's main complaint is that life here now seems dull,  this thread is an excellent example of how life was &#8212;&#8212; back then.  It wasn't all rosy though,  oh dear me no,  there were some spectacular rows,  and with a near total disregard for decorum with posts which sometimes wandered between delusional and disgraceful,  there was always the element of fun,  at least that's how I remember things!  

Alec.


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## tallyho! (8 February 2017)

Alec Swan said:



			I suspect that the exodus of many long term HHOers who's main complaint is that life here now seems dull,  this thread is an excellent example of how life was  back then.  It wasn't all rosy though,  oh dear me no,  there were some spectacular rows,  and with a near total disregard for decorum with posts which sometimes wandered between delusional and disgraceful,  there was always the element of fun,  at least that's how I remember things!  



Click to expand...


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## Dave's Mam (17 March 2017)

Dearest PF, my horse dislikes travelling.  What would you suggest?


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## SEL (17 March 2017)

Dave's Mam said:



			Dearest PF, my horse dislikes travelling.  What would you suggest?






Click to expand...

Brilliant! I wonder how many calls the RSPCA got......


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## horselady (17 March 2017)

You should completely cover his head with a pillow case of course! He can breathe and a horse that can't see is calm.


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## Goldenstar (17 March 2017)

horselady said:



			You should completely cover his head with a pillow case of course! He can breathe and a horse that can't see is calm.
		
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Nooooo ,don't  you know anything this is the best way to get your horse used to traffic .


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## Elf On A Shelf (17 March 2017)

SEL said:



			Brilliant! I wonder how many calls the RSPCA got......
		
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They actually got quite a lot! I think they said nearly 100?!


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## Damnation (17 March 2017)

I think you should tape the horse's rug down with some double sided sticky tape - the flaping of the rug probably spooked him!


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## Snuffles (17 March 2017)

Surely horse should be fixed to trailer with baler twine not rope ?


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## Dave's Mam (17 March 2017)

SEL said:



			Brilliant! I wonder how many calls the RSPCA got......
		
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They got loads apparently!


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## horselady (17 March 2017)

My mare has hair on her feet! Oh my gosh she must be terribly terribly ill! Any thoughts on what it could be?


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## Cowpony (17 March 2017)

She clearly has that well known disease Hobbitus Hirsuitus.  You need to dose her up with Aloe Vera and Turmeric, smear her chest with elbow grease and get a horse communicator to come and tell her to get better immediately.  Definitely works!


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## horselady (17 March 2017)

are you sure! Could it not be the disease cobbus hairius?


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## Cowpony (17 March 2017)

Ah, well, it's quite difficult to tell the difference between cobbus and hobbitus.  Is she mugging you for treats or licking your wedding ring?  If she's mugging you it's definitely cobbus, but if she's licking your ring it's hobbitus.  The trouble is that the treatment for cobbus makes hobbitus much much worse, and vice versa, so you need to be really sure before you treat her.  The treatment for cobbus is to switch on your clippers and walk towards her slowly.  She will shake so much that the hair will drop off, but you then need to gather up all the dropped hair and bury it under a willow tree if you want to stop it coming back.


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## tallyho! (17 March 2017)

horselady said:



			My mare has hair on her feet! Oh my gosh she must be terribly terribly ill! Any thoughts on what it could be?
		
Click to expand...

There's a youtube video for that.

(We're not quite at the stage of apps in the equine world)


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## Cinnamontoast (17 March 2017)

But is there an app for the ring licking?! :eek3:


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## Cowpony (17 March 2017)

cinnamontoast said:



			But is there an app for the ring licking?! :eek3:
		
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 CT you have a filthy mind!!


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## horselady (17 March 2017)

Cowpony said:



			Ah, well, it's quite difficult to tell the difference between cobbus and hobbitus.  Is she mugging you for treats or licking your wedding ring?  If she's mugging you it's definitely cobbus, but if she's licking your ring it's hobbitus.  The trouble is that the treatment for cobbus makes hobbitus much much worse, and vice versa, so you need to be really sure before you treat her.  The treatment for cobbus is to switch on your clippers and walk towards her slowly.  She will shake so much that the hair will drop off, but you then need to gather up all the dropped hair and bury it under a willow tree if you want to stop it coming back.
		
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Oh dear she mugs you for treats and licks my mum's wedding ring! Could it be featherus maximus d'you think?


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## Cowpony (17 March 2017)

I think featherus maximus is only found in shires and clydesdales isn't it? Does she have one of those in her breeding?


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## Cowpony (17 March 2017)

Double posted


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## tallyho! (17 March 2017)

cinnamontoast said:



			But is there an app for the ring licking?! :eek3:
		
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Um.... eeewwww


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## horselady (18 March 2017)

Cowpony said:



			I think featherus maximus is only found in shires and clydesdales isn't it? Does she have one of those in her breeding?
		
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She could well have!


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## tallyho! (18 March 2017)

Cowpony said:



			I think featherus maximus is only found in shires and clydesdales isn't it? Does she have one of those in her breeding?
		
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I'm up-hawled that there are folk out there actually BREEDING featherus maximuses. 

I mean... why?!


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## Goldenstar (18 March 2017)

tallyho! said:



			I'm up-hawled that there are folk out there actually BREEDING featherus maximuses. 

I mean... why?!
		
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So much easier to get four of those lion mane things you get for dogs and but them on your Tb's legs .


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## Snuffles (18 March 2017)

shouldn't  that be featherus maximi ? (nit picking post)


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## Rollin (18 March 2017)

horselady said:



			Oh dear she mugs you for treats and licks my mum's wedding ring! Could it be featherus maximus d'you think?
		
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If you want a proper horse who does not suffer from featherus maximus, you need a Cleveland Bay.  Expect lots of licking though.


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## Alec Swan (18 March 2017)

tallyho! said:



			Um.... eeewwww 

Click to expand...

 

Any comment to your reaction would be superfluous. 

Alec.


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## cobsarefab (1 July 2017)

Resurrecting this thread for those who are saying it's got boring.


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## Chinchilla (1 July 2017)

hey my six year old has been sat on once and only jumped four foot in the air when a blade of grass touched her hoof should I sell her to a riding school as she's too quiet for me?! 

Seriously though i can relate. 
What is with idiots and horses?


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## tallyho! (1 July 2017)

Diva&Rosie'sMum said:



			hey my six year old has been sat on once and only jumped four foot in the air when a blade of grass touched her hoof should I sell her to a riding school as she's too quiet for me?! 

Seriously though i can relate. 
What is with idiots and horses?
		
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What?? Are you serious?! That is a serious sj prospect. You should be selling her as a "STUNNING" mare a future BSJA superstar.


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## skint1 (1 July 2017)

yeah "STUNNING" is always worth a couple of grand at least


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## Cowpony (1 July 2017)

And don't forget to add "potential FEI prospect"!


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## Meowy Catkin (1 July 2017)

Dear PF,

I accidently dropped my new and very expensive riding hat (it has lots of safety standards) and it fell apart.  Will gluing it back together with some pritt stick be OK or would gaffer tape be better?


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## only_me (1 July 2017)

I've just bought myself a new horse. In fact it's a pony but because it's a highland it can easily carry my 18stone. Ive bought him to do endurance as i assume he would naturally be used to hills and rocky ground so don't need to practice riding over that at home making it easy. He's 4 and has already done hacking with his breeder so he's ready to go out and I'm hoping to do that golden horseshoe thingy with him next year. 
He seems quiet enough and hoping to put my 90 year old mother on her (seems only right that she should also ride him as they always behave really well for the queen and so should be totally safe). She hasn't ridden before but Im sure she will be grand. 

But I keep hearing about all these "crews" on endurance rides - what are these? Are they like paparazzi? 
Someone also mentioned that I'd need a super comfy saddle; but all I've seen are "tree-d" saddles. These don't sound very nice and also sound hard,, do they do pillow or memory foam ones?


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## D66 (1 July 2017)

only_me said:



			I've just bought myself a new horse. In fact it's a pony but because it's a highland it can easily carry my 18stone. Ive bought him to do endurance as i assume he would naturally be used to hills and rocky ground so don't need to practice riding over that at home making it easy. He's 4 and has already done hacking with his breeder so he's ready to go out and I'm hoping to do that golden horseshoe thingy with him next year. 
He seems quiet enough and hoping to put my 90 year old mother on her (seems only right that she should also ride him as they always behave really well for the queen and so should be totally safe). She hasn't ridden before but Im sure she will be grand. 

But I keep hearing about all these "crews" on endurance rides - what are these? Are they like paparazzi? 
Someone also mentioned that I'd need a super comfy saddle; but all I've seen are "tree-d" saddles. These don't sound very nice and also sound hard,, do they do pillow or memory foam ones?
		
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At 18 stone you have probably grown your own padding so won't need a pillow or memory foam saddle.  Crews are peeps who tip cold water over you at pit stops, and carry your sandwiches and vodka.  You could ask them to take pics as well.

buy your mum a TB, she won't be able to kick hard enough to get a highland going.


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## D66 (1 July 2017)

Faracat said:



			Dear PF,

I accidently dropped my new and very expensive riding hat (it has lots of safety standards) and it fell apart.  Will gluing it back together with some pritt stick be OK or would gaffer tape be better?
		
Click to expand...

If it was really expensive a bit of sellotape will suffice.


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## turnbuckle (1 July 2017)

Can i ask you guys for some advice?

My daughter has been riding for 3 years how and has been lucky enough to go to some of the top riding teachers, who all agree she's super-talented. Well last month we bought her a new horse for her birthday. I'm not into the detail but is has a long German name and is a kind of pale coffee colour. It has won all sorts of competitions, and I have to tell you it wasn't cheap at £40,000. Still, way cheaper than a new car I guess 

She has had it a month and hasn't won anything. It also keeps knocking over showjumps.

I know there are a lot of dodgy dealers in the horse world. Do you think we've been had?


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## albeg (1 July 2017)

Faracat said:



			Dear PF,

I accidently dropped my new and very expensive riding hat (it has lots of safety standards) and it fell apart.  Will gluing it back together with some pritt stick be OK or would gaffer tape be better?
		
Click to expand...




D66 said:



			If it was really expensive a bit of sellotape will suffice.
		
Click to expand...

No no no. Silage tape. Though it's not porous so if it was the vented part you'll need to use something else. Maybe washi tape, then it'd be really pretty.


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## only_me (1 July 2017)

D66 said:



			At 18 stone you have probably grown your own padding so won't need a pillow or memory foam saddle.  Crews are peeps who tip cold water over you at pit stops, and carry your sandwiches and vodka.  You could ask them to take pics as well.

buy your mum a TB, she won't be able to kick hard enough to get a highland going.
		
Click to expand...

But I need my derrière to be cushioned; would one of those bare back pads be any good? I'm only planning to canter the rides as walking would take too long. Plus I don't want to get any saddle sores, I've heard they are very painful. 
Good to know about the crews,  but I'd Decline the open shower I think. Getting undressed on the horse could be a bit of an issue, not to mention uncomfortable. Do they serve gin? I'm also partial to a fish and chip, so could they provide these?
Are they like golf caddies? 

My mother would love a tb as they look so elegant and look like so much fun, she'd love to have a go at racing. But I've been told they need to be ridden more than once a month so it's out for me, I can't cope with more than that cos of work.


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## Widgeon (1 July 2017)

D66 said:



			At 18 stone you have probably grown your own padding so won't need a pillow or memory foam saddle.
		
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Well that made me snort in an undignified way.


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## MagicMelon (1 July 2017)

My sons Dartmoor pony keeps escaping under/over/through electric tape to get to the grass that adds a stone to just look at. The electric is attached to the mains, however can I just plug it right into the mains itself bypassing the box which makes it too pleasant a level for her?  I think she needs a zap big enough to floor a large african elephant (which is the size she will return to at this rate). Otherwise, shall I just duct tape her mouth shut? Ive got black duct tape or grey duct tape. Oh and I have Washi tape to make her look pretty at the same time?


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## Stressymummy (8 August 2021)

Oh my life !
I remember this thread !
Back in the good old days!......


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## eahotson (9 August 2021)

It was the best thread ever!!!


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