# Partner not happy about horse costs



## Libby_x (24 June 2017)

Hi all, 

Partner has gone mad as I want to go on full livery (5 days a week). 

I've added up DIY costs and it's about £60-70 a week once I include bedding, feed, hay so on. 

Full livery is £85 and means I get to go back on a livery yard, have better facilities and more help around a full time job.

Both 25 and still at home. When he realised how much DIY totals up to he has gone mad before even entertaining the idea of going on 5 day livery. 

What do you all do when your partner has a big grudge about you having a horse? It makes me feel rubbish and like I should sell and give up but I've always had horses and can't imagine life without?!


----------



## Spottyappy (24 June 2017)

When an ex gave me the ultimatum, he went. 
Do the same to yours, he doesn't sound right for you to make you feel that way. 
You earn your own money, And do not need to justify what you spend your money on. 
My husband never complains about what I spend on the 3 horses.


----------



## windand rain (24 June 2017)

any partner not willing to support you in something you love isnt much of a person in my view it is a question of accepting people for who they are not trying to make them what you want them to be. If you can afford to keep the horse however you chose and still have enough for day to day expenses then what you do with your money is your choice. I have been married for 41 years you have to pick your battles but always fight for what is important to you and compromise on things that are important to the other person but not to you. I found jealousy of the amount of time horses take up is usually the biggest  problem so having yours on full livery will give you more time for the other person in your life


----------



## KautoStar1 (24 June 2017)

What ???
Seriously ???
WTF ???

Get rid or tell him to shape up.  It's nothing to do with him at all. 

You spend your money as you see fit and do what's best for you and your horse.


----------



## Libby_x (24 June 2017)

I think his argument is we both live at home still. I can't afford the horse on top of moving out and renting, or saving to get a mortgage? But I am looking to constantly move up at work and trying my hardest. I just don't want to give up my hobby as nothing could quite replace it, even if it is very expensive.


----------



## claret09 (24 June 2017)

totally agree with all the other comments. it's your money, you work hard, spend it how you want. good luck. he will feel the benefit because you will have more time for him. it is not all about money. sell him the good points


----------



## JennBags (24 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			What do you all do when your partner has a big grudge about you having a horse?
		
Click to expand...

What would I do? Say goodbye.  Life's too short to spend it with someone who doesn't care enough about you to understand that horses are a necessity! :lol:


----------



## LadySam (24 June 2017)

claret09 said:



			totally agree with all the other comments. it's your money, you work hard, spend it how you want. good luck. he will feel the benefit because you will have more time for him. it is not all about money. sell him the good points
		
Click to expand...

This.  Full livery help = more time together and you more able to put energy into achieving and succeeding at work.

You had horses when you got together and they are part and parcel of who you are.  This was the deal.  He really doesn't get to change the goalposts on you just because he's suddenly learned what things cost.


----------



## Flicker (25 June 2017)

Your money, your choice.
The only time a conversation between partners about the costs of a hobby is relevant is if those costs are impinging on the joint household budget to the point where you can't pay for things you need.  If you are both financially independent of each other, how you choose to spend your money is none of his business.


----------



## be positive (25 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			I think his argument is we both live at home still. I can't afford the horse on top of moving out and renting, or saving to get a mortgage? But I am looking to constantly move up at work and trying my hardest. I just don't want to give up my hobby as nothing could quite replace it, even if it is very expensive.
		
Click to expand...

I think that shows you are more committed to your horse than to him, playing devils advocate he has a point but I agree it is your money and you can spend it on whatever you want as at the moment you don't have the responsibility of paying a share of a mortgage/ rent/ bills, life is too short, if he doesn't want you to lead the life you want move on and find someone who will be with you for who you are, the horse is part of the deal.


----------



## KautoStar1 (25 June 2017)

Think of it this way, if you had a child, would he expect you to give that child up because he didn't like how much money your child cost to care for ?


----------



## Libby_x (25 June 2017)

I completely understand where he's coming from in some ways. Believe me, I constantly worry about money and needing to move out as soon as possible... But if he had a hobby that he's had since a child, I would work out a way to support that around saving for a house. I don't know, just got quite heated and left me feeling really upset.


----------



## LadyGascoyne (25 June 2017)

I can see his point. 

If you are both saving every penny to be together, it must be a hard for him that you would prefer to pay more towards the horse rather than put that towards building your life together.

Personally, if I thought the relationship was really going somewhere, I'd put the relationship first. 

I put my horses on grass livery and gave them a year off when my OH and I moved in together, but I did it without really thinking about it, or any discussions about horse costs. Our home was automatically my priority. I know all relationships are different but if it isn't like that for you, then maybe it's something to think about.


----------



## nato (25 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			I think his argument is we both live at home still. I can't afford the horse on top of moving out and renting, or saving to get a mortgage? But I am looking to constantly move up at work and trying my hardest. I just don't want to give up my hobby as nothing could quite replace it, even if it is very expensive.
		
Click to expand...

Until I got to this post I was in the "it's your money, and if he doesn't want to support you then tell him where to go" as I would do the same, but tbh reading this post I can see where your OH is coming from. If your hobby is stopping you from moving in with your partner and you're looking to spend more money on that same hobby then I can see why he's frustrated, especially if he thinks that money could be spent on rent or a mortgage. Ultimately it's your money and your decision what you do but if you can't afford to move out or save for a mortgage and choose instead to spend that money on your horse it kind of tells your partner what and who you value more, which can feel hurtful. You may not see it that way but he probably does.



KautoStar1 said:



			Think of it this way, if you had a child, would he expect you to give that child up because he didn't like how much money your child cost to care for ?
		
Click to expand...

A child and a horse are not the same. Horses are a hobby, and most often a luxury. Children are not.


----------



## joosie (25 June 2017)

LadyGascoyne said:



			I can see his point. 

If you are both saving every penny to be together, it must be a hard for him that you would prefer to pay more towards the horse rather than put that towards building your life together.

Personally, if I thought the relationship was really going somewhere, I'd put the relationship first. 

I put my horses on grass livery and gave them a year off when my OH and I moved in together, but I did it without really thinking about it, or any discussions about horse costs. Our home was automatically my priority. I know all relationships are different but if it isn't like that for you, then maybe it's something to think about.
		
Click to expand...

 I totally agree with this post. Relationships are about compromise. It just sounds like he's thinking more about the future than you are, and maybe that's not a bad thing...I


----------



## huskydamage (25 June 2017)

I am also saving to buy a house, i know it would be faster if I didn't have a horse but at the end of the day I work hard for my money and am entitled to treat my self with my hobby. Tell him to get over it and put in some overtime to cover the extra cost. Move out and keep your horse, that's my plan. I am 100% committed to getting our own place but I'm also committed to my horse, can have both I believe but will need to work harder and earn for it.
I will add that I have one horse on diy, not two on full livery though.


----------



## Anna* (25 June 2017)

Could you not get a sharer? That would free up time and money. That would certainly be what I'd look into and would be a realistic compromise. 

I disagree that the horse should go. It doesn't matter how perfect your man is in every other way. If forcing you into giving up the thing you love makes him happy then he is not 'the one'. That's not right. 

Having lived with a controlling partner in the past, I'm uncomfortable with what it represents. Now it's the horse. Will he then start asking how much money you spend when you go out with friends? 

What does he go for pleasure? Add that up for him! ;-)


----------



## Amymay (25 June 2017)

It's your money. It's not really any of his business how you spend it. Personally I'd tell him to like it or lump it.


----------



## Sussexbythesea (25 June 2017)

I can see both sides but often we can't have it all and certainly many people will prioritise other areas of their life over horses at some point. I guess you need to decide what your priorities are. Have a horse but live at home until you're 30 plus or prioritise your relationship and moving out. Or other compromises you need to work out together. 

I'd always be cautious though if I felt my partner didn't at least try to understand or come to some compromise over things that I enjoy such as horses without making me feel constantly guilty. That's no way to live. 

Sounds like you need to both sit down together and decide what you both want and how to get there without squashing each other's passions. If you can't do that now then that says quite a bit about your relationship going forward.


----------



## Micropony (25 June 2017)

I can see where he's coming from, but he also sounds quite controlling and you might want to think about how you feel about that. 

What would others do? If a man didn't understand what my horse means to me and was going to start 'going mad' about how I spend my money or my time, I would be giving him the swerve.


----------



## Wagtail (25 June 2017)

I did give up horses when I was in my mid twenties because I wanted nothing more than to buy our own house and live with my partner (now husband). Having him and then having children was my number one priority. However, at that time I was only loaning a horse as itwas after uni and I didn't have the purchase price. So it was easier for me to give up. I just rode friends horses then until my second child was two years old. Then I went back into horses and have been ever since. If I had had my horse of a lifetime, the one I lost nearly 4 years ago however, nothing would have made me give her up. It all depends on your own situation. Every relationship and every horse relationshiip is different. They are not equal.


----------



## Goldenstar (25 June 2017)

You must do what's right for you .
I did not ride for nearly two years while we bought and converted this place .
However life is short and about being happy and I would have never contemplated a partner would thought he had the right to moan about you spending £ 80 of your own money a week .
I would be hearing huge alarm bells if I where you .
Ps I would also tell him bog off and put my horses on five day livery if that's what you want to do .


----------



## ycbm (25 June 2017)

How much are each of you able to save towards having a life together?  Is he saving a lot more than you without being paid a lot more than you?

Are you sure you actually want a live in relationship with him, or is increasing the cost of something you know he is already struggling with a subconscious way of sabotaging that?


----------



## Red-1 (25 June 2017)

I think it is not so much about the horse or not about the horse, after all it is your money and up to you. I think it is about priorities.

When I got a proper job and bought a house it was my house, not shared, and I decided to sell my horse and put my efforts to establishing myself. I went without a horse for almost 5 years. I had no horse, a cheap car, very little money, but I was on the housing ladder and able to devote my own time to making my career work.

I was only in my house for 3 months before moving in with OH, we both split time between out houses before selling up and buying a shared house. Once we were then married and doing better financially it was actually my husband and mother who persuaded me to go back into horse ownership. Since them OH decided he quite likes these strange beasts called horses, and we have a bigger place with horses, stables, etc etc. He has even done the odd pleasure ride and dressage comp as well as becoming a competent 3 day event groom.

None of that would have happened if I had kept a horse rather than concentrating my efforts in my early 20s, but it did not feel like a burden as it was my own decision rather than his suggestion or insistence. 

I think you need to sit down and have a look at priorities, and see if you are both a match at the moment. Would a sharer be possible? I had one when I had a horse when I was starting back out. It was a bonus, made something that would be difficult - easy. 

I would also be cautious if he is controlling. That one would be a red flag.


----------



## touchstone (25 June 2017)

I had to give up horses for a few years when I first got married. Once we were stable financially I got back into them.

Relationships are about compromise and I also think your boyfriend has a valid point, if the roles were reversed and he was spending lots of money on an expensive car hobby for example and you were the one saving for a house imagine how it would make you feel. Horses aren't a necessity (I know plenty of us would argue otherwise though!) and they are expensive!

I think you've got to make a decision on what you really want from life at the moment.


----------



## Lammy (25 June 2017)

I am in the same boat right now, in terms of having horses and saving to move out. Both are on DIY and are easy to keep and I definitely wouldn't be looking at increasing that cost. It's not easy to save but I'm getting there, even if it is only a couple of hundred a month it's still something, just cut back on other hobbies/days out. Buy things second hand if you can and sell things you don't need. If you can get a sharer then do so, it might be easier to then have them on diy if they ride in exchange for chores or the bf might be appeased if the horses are "earning their keep" if they contribute financially. Keep your hobby just try to compromise a little and if the bf is still really against the horses then he knows where the door is!


----------



## meleeka (25 June 2017)

Honestly I think there's something fundamentally wrong with the relationship if you can't find a compromise on something like this. He ought to be more supportive of something that means so much to you and if he really was your Mr Right, you'd happily find a compromise and be desperate to move in with him. It's probably time to take a long hard look at your relationship. 

I was with someone for 10 years but we never made that leap into moving in together. I thought we would stay together and it would all fall into place eventually. It didn't and the relationship ended. When I met my now husband I said from the off that me and my pony came as a package. I'd moved in with him 3 months  later and we were married a year after that. We've been married 21 years now. What I'm trying f to say is I didn't know the previous long term one wasn't the one, but when I met OH I knew straight away he was the one. 

You are still young and I wouldn't be giving up your horse for anyone. That's currently the most important thing to you and that's fine. If it's meant to be it will all fall into place.


----------



## Gloi (25 June 2017)

If you were truly ready to be buying a house together you'd be able to work out a compromise on things like this. I'd take his attitude as a warning to how he will behave to you in other situations in the future and tell him to do one. I would never have put up with a man telling me what I could and couldn't do with my animals.


----------



## FfionWinnie (25 June 2017)

Consider it lucky you've found out about this incompatibility at this stage. The who is right and who is wrong thing is irrelevant. One of you will have to change their attitude on this and usually that doesn't bode well.


----------



## SpringArising (25 June 2017)

LadyGascoyne said:



			I can see his point. 

If you are both saving every penny to be together, it must be a hard for him that you would prefer to pay more towards the horse rather than put that towards building your life together.

Personally, if I thought the relationship was really going somewhere, I'd put the relationship first.
		
Click to expand...




nato said:



			tbh reading this post I can see where your OH is coming from. If your hobby is stopping you from moving in with your partner and you're looking to spend more money on that same hobby then I can see why he's frustrated, especially if he thinks that money could be spent on rent or a mortgage. 

A child and a horse are not the same. Horses are a hobby, and most often a luxury. Children are not.
		
Click to expand...




joosie said:



			Relationships are about compromise. It just sounds like he's thinking more about the future than you are, and maybe that's not a bad thing...I
		
Click to expand...




touchstone said:



			Relationships are about compromise and I also think your boyfriend has a valid point, if the roles were reversed and he was spending lots of money on an expensive car hobby for example and you were the one saving for a house imagine how it would make you feel. Horses aren't a necessity (I know plenty of us would argue otherwise though!) and they are expensive!

I think you've got to make a decision on what you really want from life at the moment.
		
Click to expand...




meleeka said:



			Honestly I think there's something fundamentally wrong with the relationship if you can't find a compromise on something like this. He ought to be more supportive of something that means so much to you and if he really was your Mr Right, you'd happily find a compromise and be desperate to move in with him. It's probably time to take a long hard look at your relationship
		
Click to expand...

I agree with all of this.


----------



## limestonelil (25 June 2017)

WTF? You could decide to do what he wants, then it's proved that he is in control and he either dumps you or gets ever more controlling!  Good luck OP and don't be pushed around.


----------



## stencilface (25 June 2017)

This is the thin end of the wedge. You don't even live with him yet and he's trying to dictate how you spend your money. What's he's going to want to control once you're living together? Does he have hobbies? Harder to make it work if only one of you has a hobby as they can resent it.

If you wanted to move asap, you would downscale the horse costs without thinking about it. If he brought the issue up in a way that he tried to help you save more, then that's different.


----------



## benz (25 June 2017)

This is one of those situations I can see both sides of the story - of course i fully understand OP as horses arent just a hobby they are a way of life. On the other hand the OH has a point, if they are supposed to be saving for a house and OP is looking to spend even more on horses of course they might get upset.

This sounds like a time for deciding what your priorities are OP and if they lie with the horses maybe it's time for a proper talk with your OH. On the other hand if you do want to save for a house then compromise is the key here, instead of spending more on full livery, get a sharer in or put on grass livery, show your OH that you are serious about saving for the house but that you cannot just give up your horses. 

On the other hand if your OH really has 'gone mad' and you feel that this is controlling behaviour rather than just someone understandably upset or if your OH  also has expensive hobbies that they are unwilling to give up, maybe it's time to rethink the relationship. Good luck with whatever you decide


----------



## ycbm (25 June 2017)

What if they earn the same salary and she's saving £100 a month towards their joint future and trying to reduce it to nothing, and he's saving £500 and wondering if she is actually committed to this relationship?

The jump to 'he's controlling' seems a bit hasty on the evidence of a single issue without any financial details to explain why he may feel that way?

OP, does he try to tell you how to behave in any other aspect of your lives?

Do you love him?


----------



## Theocat (25 June 2017)

If you've previously agreed that you'll both save up so that you can move in together, and he has now found out that, while he's been happily saving up and dreaming of choosing curtains, you have been spending all your money on horses and now want to spend even more and can save even less for your future, I'm not surprised he has flown off the handle.

Of course you can choose between horses and having a life living with this man - but he can't choose. You're expecting him to shelve his dreams of moving in together and creating a life so that you can pursue your hobby.

Put the boot on the other foot- how would we all react if it were the other way around?

OP, if you don't want to put your relationship first at the exciting stage of moving in together, then it's almost certainly the wrong relationship. I think you need to find a way to manage the horses more cheaply, or you and your OH need to part ways - you are not being fair to him.


----------



## Equi (25 June 2017)

He'd be out the door. One, it's your money. Two, who is he to tell you anything?! You're a independate woman. Never let a man tell you what to do!


----------



## Clodagh (25 June 2017)

I agree with Be Positive, partner has a point. 
Having a row (which is what it sounds like what happened) is not the same as ongoing bullying at all.
If I had to choose between my husband or my dogs (now I have no horse) I would at least cut down what I spend on them. It just sounds like OP prefers her horses to her partner. Once they have both calmed down they can hopefully discuss calmly and reach a compromise.
I do wonder if a lot of people on here are single sometimes. Compromise is always needed in life, no wonder society is in a muddle.


----------



## joosie (25 June 2017)

KautoStar1 said:



			Think of it this way, if you had a child, would he expect you to give that child up because he didn't like how much money your child cost to care for ?
		
Click to expand...




Anna* said:



			I disagree that the horse should go. It doesn't matter how perfect your man is in every other way. If forcing you into giving up the thing you love makes him happy then he is not 'the one'.
		
Click to expand...




meleeka said:



			You are still young and I wouldn't be giving up your horse for anyone.
		
Click to expand...

Just taking these as examples... People are assuming that the boyfriend has told her she has to give up her horse or choose between them, but I can't see anywhere in the OP where it says this. Expressing concern about the amount her horse costs isn't the same as telling her to get rid of it. She says it makes her FEEL like she should give it up, not that he told her to give it up. Which is it OP? - has he actually said he wants you to get rid of your horse?
Don't get me wrong, my horses are my priority and I understand it's a frustrating situation but I still feel like the OH deserves a little more understanding here. Money anxiety is a real thing that a lot of us face at some point in our lives, especially at that stage in our 20s-30s where we're trying to plan for the future. Has anyone criticising the OH actually stopped to consider that the is genuinely worried about their financial situation? We are only hearing the OP's point of view remember.


----------



## I.M.N. (25 June 2017)

My partner earns twice as much as me so when it comes to saving any money he is always way ahead of me, but he realises how much my horses mean to me and would never dream of suggesting I cut down on them. Relationships aren't about like for like they're about making sure your partner is as happy as they can be. We managed to save for a flat but he ended up paying for the extra bits, legal, fees, stamp duty and the odd month I don't pay my half of the mortgage if I've had a big vet bill or some such but as far as he's concerned everything is ours half half. There is nothing but support and understanding in our relationship, that's true love. 

I've always said life on a whole is pretty **** so your partner should at worst have no influence on your life, when they start making it harder in any way they need to go, even more so if they make you feel bad about something that makes you happy.


----------



## paddi22 (25 June 2017)

Have you sat down together and worked out an actual budget of what you need to achieve to get? It doesn't sound like you know what the plan is - are you saving to rent a place or saving to get a mortgage? they are two completely different scenarios and commitments. 

How committed are you to the relationship? To be honest, if it was a recent-ish (two year or less) boyfriend, I wouldn't be rushing to sell a horse I loved just so I could move in with him either. I wouldn't be opening joint savings accounts etc unless i knew it was a permanent commitment.  Imagine you moved in and found out you weren't compatible? But if it was someone I could wanted to settle and marry etc, then I'd compromise (sharer, grass livery etc). 

He probably feels as if his goals of settling down etc aren't materialising and he is getting older. Work out a plan so you know where you are both going.




But you need to sit down and work out exactly what you aim is and realistically what you can each give to achieve it as a proportion of your salaries. If you've always had horses, and they are a big part of your life, then they have to be factored into the cost too in some way, and he needs to accept they ware always going to be there.


----------



## PonyIAmNotFood (25 June 2017)

My ex was like this, didn't want me to have the horses and his mother went so far as to tell me to sell up or dump her son. I did dump him, though not because of her but due to his attitude to me, life and horses.

I'm now with someone who actively encourages the horses because he sees how happy they make me. He saves more than me, but doesn't make an issue out of it. Personally, I wouldn't tolerate it any other way, horses were here before him. I sound like a brat, I would compromise on anything else and bring equal amounts to the relationship in every other way.


----------



## blitznbobs (25 June 2017)

Not acceptable behaviour ... he's not allowed to tell you what to do with your money... shut him up or move him on...


----------



## KittenInTheTree (25 June 2017)

I always think that it's far more sensible to spend at least one year living independently without a partner to share the bills and chores before even considering moving in with someone else. Because if you can't manage to live alone successfully, then you risk being dependent on the other person, and that isn't healthy for either of you. So in your situation, I think you both need to sit down and look at how you can go about doing that first. Look at your individual incomes and outgoings - write everything down and see if there are areas where either or both of you could improve. If you can't do this much together without arguing with or upsetting one another, then there's no way that you're ready to live together!

In your case, would switching from DIY to Full definitely mean that you would be consistently earning more at work? Are there plenty of extra hours available or a promotion that you are certain to get? Or are you just a bit fed up with the effort involved in DIY? Are you time poor, or overtired because of the horses? Would chucking one or both out onto grass livery be a better option, or getting a sharer, etc. ? Are you often upset or uncomfortable over how your partner behaves? Do you find living up to his expectations difficult? Is there a wage gap between you? Do you both have the same goals for the future regarding owning/renting a home, having/not having children, and so on? Do you both know the basics of running a home - cleaning, time management, cleaning, budgeting, cleaning, cooking, cleaning, basic repairs/when to call a professional, cleaning, how to cope with difficult neighbours, cleaning? Or would one of you end up doing everything for the other? Did you spot the thing that I kept repeating there? Do you understand why it's the thing that gets repeated?

You're both only twenty-five - yes, that's still quite young. But where will you be in five years in terms of your respective careers? Where would you hope to be living? What would you want to have achieved along the way? Figure that out, and then - assuming that it's realistic - decide how you're going to get to that point. There's a big difference between living with parents at twenty-five whilst starting your career and planning your future, versus still living with parents at thirty having failed to progress any further whatsoever.


----------



## DabDab (25 June 2017)

Hmm, I have been in a similar situation at a similar age, but due to time spent on the horse, rather than money. I did leave him, but mainly because I realised that he was right.....horses, job and dogs took up the entirety of my time when I knew he was sat at home. In my personal life I'm a massive people pleaser and feel guilty at the drop of a hat, so for me not to have noticed and done something about it before he said something.....well it spoke volumes.

Sometimes actions come before conscious thought.


----------



## tristar (25 June 2017)

what do you think if this,   i was told that one of my horses is wasted, he should be eventing not going round the arena, he should be eventing because he would enjoy it, i was very upset, i am doing my best to train him, he is not an easy horse, he is now 9 years old and i do have plans for him, he is a bit behind  due to several hitches along the way, i don`t really want him to break his neck eventing, this is my partners opinion, i  value what he says, he is very astute,  BUT....

i find it very hard to find words to explain things sometimes, what i feel with this horse is he will get there when ready and if he does`n,t tough, i have had many offers for the horse but he is my fourth generation, and if he just lives a happy life i`m happy, but he will get there, its very hard to explain things to people who are not horsey sometimes, yet they do see things on a valid view point.

the person is my partner, what do you think,?   is a horse ever really wasted, even if it has a decent life???


----------



## Supertrooper (25 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			Hi all, 

Partner has gone mad as I want to go on full livery (5 days a week). 

I've added up DIY costs and it's about £60-70 a week once I include bedding, feed, hay so on. 

Full livery is £85 and means I get to go back on a livery yard, have better facilities and more help around a full time job.

Both 25 and still at home. When he realised how much DIY totals up to he has gone mad before even entertaining the idea of going on 5 day livery. 

What do you all do when your partner has a big grudge about you having a horse? It makes me feel rubbish and like I should sell and give up but I've always had horses and can't imagine life without?!
		
Click to expand...

Is he unhappy about you having a horse though? Or about changing to full livery with higher costs???


----------



## Cecile (25 June 2017)

blitznbobs said:



			Not acceptable behaviour ... he's not allowed to tell you what to do with your money... shut him up or move him on...
		
Click to expand...

I sort of agree with this if you are being made to feel uncomfortable about having and paying for a horse ^^^
Sounds as if horses have always featured in your life so he already knew that, one less meal out would cover the cost of the extra livery or he could stop buying you all those expensive gifts and bank the money instead 

Sit him down and have a quiet conversation, if he starts going mad show him the door as that would send me alarm bells for the future on how he will behave.  Maybe he needs a hobby of his own or maybe he doesn't understand how much horses can cost, better educate him now to save problems later.


----------



## Cocorules (25 June 2017)

If you want to have horses in your life you need a partner who is supportive of the time and money that takes.  If your partner is not, then it is not fair on you or him to stay together.  Honestly in your position I would find someone more compatible.  

A friend of my husband's tells me everytime I see him about his ex who was horsey and how he hated the time and money she spent.  Another friend has a husband who despite buying her horse for her resents every penny she spends on the horse.  She constantly has to ask his permission for everything horse related and it is no way to live.  She is lovely and frankly could do so much better for herself.

Be very choosy about who you pick as a partner it is all too easy to get caught up in the initial hormone rush and then get used to having them around and get into the whole house buying and having kids together.  However, if you are together for life you want to live the life you both want not the life one of you wants.  That is the point of dating figuring out if your lifestyles and personalities are compatible.  Do not get swept along with this one just because you love each other and both want a home together.  You need more than that.


----------



## Pearlsasinger (25 June 2017)

FfionWinnie said:



			Consider it lucky you've found out about this incompatibility at this stage. The who is right and who is wrong thing is irrelevant. One of you will have to change their attitude on this and usually that doesn't bode well.
		
Click to expand...

This^^^^^

It really doesn't sound as if either of you are in the right relationship, you want different things from life and have different priorities.  Having said that, going mad about how much of your own money you spend on something important to you, that was a part of your life before you met OH, rings massive alarm bells to me.  I'm not surprised you are upset.  Time to take stock, I think.

ETA, tbh if you are both still living at home, I'm not sure partner is the right name for him, sounds more like a boyfriend to me, and he is not behaving like a supportive partner should.


----------



## windand rain (25 June 2017)

To me it wouldnt matter what the hobby wa he could be a golfer or a footballer or any type to make you a grass widow so really it is a question of being accepting of your behaviours


----------



## superpony (25 June 2017)

Me and my ex split up last week... it was somewhat influenced by the horses. Not the money side but the time I spent with them which he resented. I knew it was never going to work long term and I picked my horses.


----------



## SpringArising (25 June 2017)

Clodagh said:



			I do wonder if a lot of people on here are single sometimes. Compromise is always needed in life, no wonder society is in a muddle.
		
Click to expand...

Me too. I'd hate to be with someone who had the 'shut up or get out' attitude.


----------



## KittenInTheTree (25 June 2017)

tristar said:



			what do you think if this,   i was told that one of my horses is wasted, he should be eventing not going round the arena, he should be eventing because he would enjoy it, i was very upset, i am doing my best to train him, he is not an easy horse, he is now 9 years old and i do have plans for him, he is a bit behind  due to several hitches along the way, i don`t really want him to break his neck eventing, this is my partners opinion, i  value what he says, he is very astute,  BUT....

i find it very hard to find words to explain things sometimes, what i feel with this horse is he will get there when ready and if he does`n,t tough, i have had many offers for the horse but he is my fourth generation, and if he just lives a happy life i`m happy, but he will get there, its very hard to explain things to people who are not horsey sometimes, yet they do see things on a valid view point.

the person is my partner, what do you think,?   is a horse ever really wasted, even if it has a decent life???
		
Click to expand...

Provided that the animal is properly cared for and not abused or neglected, then I don't see why it matters whether or not it ever reaches its hypothetical potential as a ridden horse. The horse knows nothing of its potential. Only the humans care about that.


----------



## Pearlsasinger (25 June 2017)

SpringArising said:



			Me too. I'd hate to be with someone who had the 'shut up or get out' attitude.
		
Click to expand...

But there are some things that can be compromised on and others that can't.  In this instance it sounds as if OP's horses are not open for negotiation.  Priorities are different for everyone, I'm sure OP would compromise on things that some others wouldn't.


----------



## SpringArising (25 June 2017)

Pearlsasinger said:



			But there are some things that can be compromised on and others that can't.  In this instance it sounds as if OP's horses are not open for negotiation.  Priorities are different for everyone, I'm sure OP would compromise on things that some others wouldn't.
		
Click to expand...

I don't dispute that, but what I do dispute is the way some people handle it.


----------



## Ceriann (25 June 2017)

My OH and I have an understanding about my horses but it's been tough getting to this point.  He's not horsey and when we got together he just didn't get the amount of time or money involved.  They were initially in livery but now at home.  It's been hard, we've fallen out a lot (particularly as I seem to have gone from one broken horse to another, as well as suffering lots of injuries on the way) but he gets it now.  He never made me choose (though probably came close) and I never told him the horses came first - I've just consistently messaged that they are important, they are my release from everything else and in some small way I feel I'm I'm making a difference (I have a charity pony).  He probably still doesn't understand it but respects it and he's now so much more involved in their management etc, which fir him helps.  I also made/make time for him and us and remind myself that going away for the day/weekend/holiday doesn't mean my horsey world falls apart.  It's about balance but only go through this if he's worth it!


----------



## Tiddlypom (25 June 2017)

Clodagh said:



			I do wonder if a lot of people on here are single sometimes. Compromise is always needed in life, no wonder society is in a muddle.
		
Click to expand...

This.

There's nothing wrong with being a fiercely independent singleton, but if you're in a relationship, then discussion and compromise is part of the territory. 

I was horseless for years because of uni then saving to buy a house with OH, we simply couldn't have afforded for me to have a horse initially as well as buy the house.


----------



## Reacher (25 June 2017)

annabel2009 said:



			Me and my ex split up last week... it was somewhat influenced by the horses. Not the money side but the time I spent with them which he resented. I knew it was never going to work long term and I picked my horses.
		
Click to expand...

Wishing you all the best in the future.
Having horses can put strain on a relationship when the partner isn't horsey.


----------



## Libby_x (25 June 2017)

Sorry only just read replies. He hasn't saved a penny and I wish he did have a hobby as most of the money for him goes on the pub. However... His parents can give him a helping hand more than mine so I may be a couple of years behind without the help he might soon get. 

Horse is only 4 and about to come back into work from fracture so not something I can share and she doesn't live out as sensitive skin and hasn't worked in the past when I tried on a couple of occasions. 

I think I will just have to bring her back into work and see how I go for now. He's not asked me to sell her but has made it clear he hates horses..


----------



## be positive (25 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			Sorry only just read replies. He hasn't saved a penny and I wish he did have a hobby as most of the money for him goes on the pub. However... His parents can give him a helping hand more than mine so I may be a couple of years behind without the help he might soon get. 

Horse is only 4 and about to come back into work from fracture so not something I can share and she doesn't live out as sensitive skin and hasn't worked in the past when I tried on a couple of occasions. 

I think I will just have to bring her back into work and see how I go for now. He's not asked me to sell her but has made it clear he hates horses..
		
Click to expand...

He has a "hobby" he drinks his disposable income rather than saving it, his parents may be able to contribute but that does not mean he has a reason to tell you what to do, I did have some sympathy for his point of view but if he "hates horses" that will be between you forever and will probably mean that if you give up this one to save for your future you will never have the chance to get another because he will always have something better to spend money on, if he really hates them it will be a case of him or a horse, with that attitude plus the fact he has saved nothing I am afraid I would continue with the horse as I suspect the relationship will end before too long. 

One of my liveries was with a partner who had no interest in her horse, he would not compromise at all so they parted ways, she now has a lovely partner who is taking an interest, is prepared to go forward knowing that the horse needs to be paid for so their first home may be not as nice as it could be but he also knows the horse makes her happy which makes him happy, he is now getting to be fairly competent around the yard and I think is enjoying learning new skills.


----------



## Moomin1 (25 June 2017)

Clodagh said:



			I agree with Be Positive, partner has a point. 
Having a row (which is what it sounds like what happened) is not the same as ongoing bullying at all.
If I had to choose between my husband or my dogs (now I have no horse) I would at least cut down what I spend on them. It just sounds like OP prefers her horses to her partner. Once they have both calmed down they can hopefully discuss calmly and reach a compromise.
I do wonder if a lot of people on here are single sometimes. Compromise is always needed in life, no wonder society is in a muddle.
		
Click to expand...

Agree.  I do think many horsey people come across as very selfish people at times.  Relationships should be about compromise.  If OPs horses are preventing them progressing in their relationship due to financial restrictions, then he's bound to be a bit upset at the suggestion that she now wants to increase those outgoings even further.  I wouldn't call the controlling or bullying at all.  From what I gather he hasn't given her an ultimatum to sell up or he walks. He's simply saying he's unhappy at her spending even more on the horse.  No big deal.


----------



## FfionWinnie (25 June 2017)

What are you getting out the relationship then op he sounds like a right misery. 

At your age you don't need a misery you need to be having fun. Honest.


----------



## Moomin1 (25 June 2017)

FfionWinnie said:



			What are you getting out the relationship then op he sounds like a right misery. 

At your age you don't need a misery you need to be having fun. Honest.
		
Click to expand...

Why is he a misery? Because he doesn't like horses?


----------



## windand rain (25 June 2017)

if he gves up the pub and you give up the horse you may well be able to afford the house but you will both be resentful not a good place for either of you. Keep it simple and carry on as you are and see where it leads it sounds like you need a much better relationship to develop before you move in together anyway


----------



## FfionWinnie (25 June 2017)

Moomin1 said:



			Why is he a misery? Because he doesn't like horses?
		
Click to expand...

No hobbies, down the pub peeing it down the drain and making it clear to the op he hates horses. There's many things I'm not that keen on, however if you love someone then you appreciate their hobby is important to them and you don't say you hate it. It is a huge red flag of utter disrespect to another person, to use words like that against them in my experience.  It's fine to hate horses but don't get in a relationship with someone who has a horse in that case.


----------



## be positive (25 June 2017)

Moomin1 said:



			Why is he a misery? Because he doesn't like horses?
		
Click to expand...

Because he hates an important part of her life, if he loved her it would be understanding that horses are in her life, it is not as if he is saving hard and she is wasting her money on her horse, it really is not a good basis for a long term relationship if she gives up her horse for him at this early stage, maybe he will give up drinking if she asks him but I bet he won't and that he spends almost as much in the pub as it costs to keep a horse.


----------



## Moomin1 (25 June 2017)

be positive said:



			Because he hates an important part of her life, if he loved her it would be understanding that horses are in her life, it is not as if he is saving hard and she is wasting her money on her horse, it really is not a good basis for a long term relationship if she gives up her horse for him at this early stage, maybe he will give up drinking if she asks him but I bet he won't and that he spends almost as much in the pub as it costs to keep a horse.
		
Click to expand...

OP hasn't said he's asked her to give up horses.


----------



## The Fuzzy Furry (25 June 2017)

As I see it, op currently has Bill of 60 to 70 per week, now going to 85 a week. 
OP will make savings on petrol to get to yard, thus also savings on vehicle wear and tear, and also savings as not having to pay for help on top of her usual previous costs, so for an extra max 25 a week, I'm sure this would in the end not cost much more, and also in fact save money if OP has to go away at all.

Imho OP, you need to tell him on the actual savings this makes,  if he still doesn't like it then he can do one


----------



## Sussexbythesea (25 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			Sorry only just read replies. He hasn't saved a penny and I wish he did have a hobby as most of the money for him goes on the pub. However... His parents can give him a helping hand more than mine so I may be a couple of years behind without the help he might soon get. 

Horse is only 4 and about to come back into work from fracture so not something I can share and she doesn't live out as sensitive skin and hasn't worked in the past when I tried on a couple of occasions. 

I think I will just have to bring her back into work and see how I go for now. He's not asked me to sell her but has made it clear he hates horses..
		
Click to expand...

With that update he sounds like a right to55er and I'm struggling to see the attraction.


----------



## Buddy'sMum (25 June 2017)

OP, you're not even living together yet and he's trying to dictate to you what you can do with your money. While he spends his in the pub. 
Keep the horse, bin the boyfriend.


----------



## DD265 (25 June 2017)

Perhaps more importantly, I've not seen anybody ask how your parents feel about it, given you still live at home OP. My Dad decided that I ought to move out in my 27th year. As it happens my now fiance and I had made the same plan and were working towards it so everybody got what they wanted.  I earn considerably more so I was able to contribute equally to the flat (we rent) and still pay for my horse/car etc although I'll confess some months were tight. I certainly wouldn't have been kicked out but Dad felt it was time for me to spread my wings, as it were. Your parents may or may not have similar feelings and a time frame in mind.

That aside, you need to decide what's more important to you right now, and then where your boyfriend fits in to that.

Last month I had my horse put to sleep. He was old and not in the best of health, but financial reasons played a large part in my decision and they play an even bigger part in my decision not to buy another horse. I know that I have my fiance's full support in all of those decisions, although he does admit that his preference would be to not get another horse right now, it's not up to him. We're getting married next year, then we want to buy a house, and before we do either of those I need to clear some credit card balances. Giving up horses, and buying a 12yo car as opposed to another brand new one on finance were my compromises. It's not about 50/50 splits and it's not about him giving up anything because I have, it's about what I want to do so that I can contribute more towards our future.


----------



## ycbm (25 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			Sorry only just read replies. He hasn't saved a penny and I wish he did have a hobby as most of the money for him goes on the pub. However... His parents can give him a helping hand more than mine so I may be a couple of years behind without the help he might soon get. 

Horse is only 4 and about to come back into work from fracture so not something I can share and she doesn't live out as sensitive skin and hasn't worked in the past when I tried on a couple of occasions. 

I think I will just have to bring her back into work and see how I go for now. He's not asked me to sell her but has made it clear he hates horses..
		
Click to expand...

You don't sound as if you like this man, never mind love him. Are you sure about this relationship?


----------



## Clodagh (25 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			Sorry only just read replies. He hasn't saved a penny and I wish he did have a hobby as most of the money for him goes on the pub. However... His parents can give him a helping hand more than mine so I may be a couple of years behind without the help he might soon get. 

Horse is only 4 and about to come back into work from fracture so not something I can share and she doesn't live out as sensitive skin and hasn't worked in the past when I tried on a couple of occasions. 

I think I will just have to bring her back into work and see how I go for now. He's not asked me to sell her but has made it clear he hates horses..
		
Click to expand...

OK, having read that I think you should carry on as you are and see how you get on. You both (and I mean this kindly) proably need to mature a bit.
Whoever said speak to your parents is also a good plan, I love my son dearly but don't want him here forever.
(My Dad lives with woman whos 56 year old son has moved back home, and he has a cracking job and no hobbies). Extreme example.


----------



## Gloi (25 June 2017)

In my experience friends who ended up living with someone who resents their horse or made them sell it have ended up thoroughly miserable. Now they are all getting to the stage in life where the kids have left home they are getting divorced and buying new horses.


----------



## Libby_x (25 June 2017)

I think... bring her back into work, put myself on a budget sheet and keep trying to work my way up at work... try a cheaper yard once she's more established and maybe a sharer when she's 5/6 ? Start my own savings and just try to establish in the meantime how much of my partners resentment towards the horse is going to get thrown in my face. Hopefully it was just a one off.


----------



## Frumpoon (25 June 2017)

Buddy'sMum said:



			OP, you're not even living together yet and he's trying to dictate to you what you can do with your money. While he spends his in the pub. 
Keep the horse, bin the boyfriend.
		
Click to expand...

This

With bells on


----------



## Cecile (25 June 2017)

Mmmm out with horse or sitting down the pub, no contest horse would win every time, I'm tea total I would find the pub boring

I have never met anyone who says they hate horses, I've met a few relatives whose eyes glaze over when I drag out photo's of horses but they are obviously just tired or having a bad day


----------



## Pearlsasinger (25 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			I think... bring her back into work, put myself on a budget sheet and keep trying to work my way up at work... try a cheaper yard once she's more established and maybe a sharer when she's 5/6 ? Start my own savings and just try to establish in the meantime how much of my partners resentment towards the horse is going to get thrown in my face. Hopefully it was just a one off.
		
Click to expand...

I'd be asking OH how much he is saving.  It sounds as though he currently relies on his parents to provide for him and then is expecting you to provide for him.  the longer this thread goes on, the less I like the sound of him!


----------



## Crazy_cat_lady (25 June 2017)

Surely if you are both still living at home what you are spending your money on shouldn't affect him. You don't yet have the commitment of living together/ being married etc. I'm with someone and we both still live at home he's aware I won't be able to contribute as much to the mortgage deposit we are saving for as I have the horse. He said he would never ask me to get rid of him either.
You need to make him aware the horse came first.

Most of his money going on the pub? Very close to sounding like a red flag. Sorry.

Does he save any money for joint things e.g. holidays together/ going to something nice for the evening?


----------



## D66 (25 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			I think... bring her back into work, put myself on a budget sheet and keep trying to work my way up at work... try a cheaper yard once she's more established and maybe a sharer when she's 5/6 ? Start my own savings and just try to establish in the meantime how much of my partners resentment towards the horse is going to get thrown in my face. Hopefully it was just a one off.
		
Click to expand...

It's not the fact that he doesn't like horses, it's that "he went mad".  Some people can not like horses and still respect their owner. It's not as though he has the moral high ground here, he isn't saving either, but he is telling you what you can and can't do. 
Totally unacceptable.


----------



## FfionWinnie (25 June 2017)

Pearlsasinger said:



			It sounds as though he currently relies on his parents to provide for him and then is expecting you to provide for him.  the longer this thread goes on, the less I like the sound of him!
		
Click to expand...

Good point she can sell her horse and have 70 quid a week to spend on his pub trips. Joy!


----------



## alainax (25 June 2017)

How about saying to him that you appreciate he is thinking about your relationship long term, so you would like to sit down with him and make a plan about saving. Advise him that your going to be saving money with the fuel etc on full livery, and better yet you will have loads more time so you both can spend more time together and he can spend less time in the pub, win win! 

If he is up for that, you both get to sit down and work out a budget, see where you are at. You are being reasonable and mature. 

If he doesn't fancy that, and actually just wants a whinge about the horses, then you get to see his true colours.


----------



## MotherOfChickens (25 June 2017)

I am normally all about the compromise although I am exceedingly lucky with my non-horsey husband. however I don't see he has any moral high ground here- either you both want to work towards your collective future or you don't.


----------



## mandyroberts (25 June 2017)

Personally I agree with the horse first contingent. The question is, if you gave up the horse, put him out for a year, any of the suggested cutting back options, would you resent your partner afterwards? I know I would


----------



## Kezzabell2 (25 June 2017)

split up with mine when he started acting like this!  sorry love, the horses were here first! who do you think you are telling me what I can spend my hard earned money on!  T W A T

sorry!


----------



## alainax (25 June 2017)

TBH, your oh should be really pleased about you having more time to spend with them. Took me a while to convince my that I should go part / assisted diy from full, had to convince him I wouldn't be spending all day every day at the yard lol.


----------



## Crazy_cat_lady (25 June 2017)

I should add my horse is 20 now and has cushings and nervous so is un sellable but once he is eventually pts/ passes away I have already decided I won't be getting another horse.
I'm at the point now where other things are becoming more important in my life such as moving out having a mortgage and eventually having children. It does make me go ouch when i add up what the horse costs per month and think how much it would go towards having a mortgage and other than going for long hacks with my friend I am losing interest in things like schooling etc. But I have discussed with oh and he has never said to get rid of the horse he understands the horse was there first and will be until he passes away. We did have a discussion over money and obviously once I no longer have the horse I will be able to contribute more to bills etc when I no longer have a horse plus he is earning more. So while people suggest getting rid of the horse so you can save more it's not always that easy- mine is 20.

However how would your OH react if you had pets/ the horse when you live together and one got a massive vets bill that insurance won't cover?

The key thing in my situation is it's me who's making the decision to walk away from horses when I no longer have mine it's not because OH has said to get rid of him etc.

Does it stop you doing nice things with him e.g. having a holiday together/ going to watch a gig or whatever you're both into? If so I could perhaps see his point. I've been very careful with my non horse essential spending so I can save to go away with OH and go with him to watch his team play in a football game. I have said next year may mean no holidays abroad just a cheap one in the UK so I can save more to move out but we have at least done some together. I ask for money for birthdays etc to go towards the holidays.


----------



## Cocorules (25 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			and just try to establish in the meantime how much of my partners resentment towards the horse is going to get thrown in my face
		
Click to expand...

This doesn't sound great.  If he resents the horse, he resents the horse.  His feelings won't change.  What happens when you go through a tough time financially or timewise in future, say if you lose your job or have kids or go through a period of illness or your parents do?

Live the life you want.  Don't settle for someone who resents something that is so important to you or who goes mad or who you think might throw things in your face.


----------



## Moomin1 (25 June 2017)

OP, in what way did your OH 'go mad'?  Different people will have different interpretations of 'going mad'.  If he's completely flipped and screamed and shouted, saying he is not sticking about unless you sell your horse, then that's one thing.  If he's simply been shocked by the realisation of the financial costs of keeping horses, and expressed concern over how it may affect you both moving on with your relationship  (ie buying a house), then that's another.


----------



## Moomin1 (25 June 2017)

Cocorules said:



			This doesn't sound great.  If he resents the horse, he resents the horse.  His feelings won't change.  What happens when you go through a tough time financially or timewise in future, say if you lose your job or have kids or go through a period of illness or your parents do?

Live the life you want.  Don't settle for someone who resents something that is so important to you or who goes mad or who you think might throw things in your face.
		
Click to expand...

Actually, I disagree.  My OH doesn't 'like' the amount of money and time my horse takes up.  He often makes out he doesn't like horses.  Yet when my horse recently had lameness issues and faced a bleak future, he turned around one day and handed me 1k towards vet bills because he was horrified at the thought of the worst case scenario..


----------



## Kezzabell2 (25 June 2017)

Im sorry but I think if someone can behave like this over a horse, that was there before him, how is he going to behave when there is a baby?  will he be angry about the money being spent on the baby?  the fact that the baby will then be the priority??  I just couldn't risk being with someone that is jealous of a horse!


----------



## Moomin1 (25 June 2017)

Kezzabell2 said:



			Im sorry but I think if someone can behave like this over a horse, that was there before him, how is he going to behave when there is a baby?  will he be angry about the money being spent on the baby?  the fact that the baby will then be the priority??  I just couldn't risk being with someone that is jealous of a horse!
		
Click to expand...

Mm, well presumably the baby would be a combined decision and also belong to him...


----------



## ycbm (25 June 2017)

OP, third time of asking. Do you love this man? It doesn't sound like it.


I personally think the horse is more likely to be simply a proxy, for him and for you, for your lack of commitment to this relationship.


----------



## Moomin1 (25 June 2017)

ycbm said:



			OP, third time of asking. Do you love this man? It doesn't sound like it.


I personally think the horse is more likely to be simply a proxy, for him and for you, for your lack of commitment to this relationship.
		
Click to expand...

I agree. I think there are two sides to this..


----------



## MuddyMonster (25 June 2017)

FfionWinnie said:



			No hobbies, down the pub peeing it down the drain and making it clear to the op he hates horses. There's many things I'm not that keen on, however if you love someone then you appreciate their hobby is important to them and you don't say you hate it. It is a huge red flag of utter disrespect to another person, to use words like that against them in my experience.  It's fine to hate horses but don't get in a relationship with someone who has a horse in that case.
		
Click to expand...

I second this. 

I'm not a fan of golf or football, but my OH is. I'd never tell my BF that quite frankly, left to my own devices, watching a golf competition is surely like watching paint dry?! But, it's important to him so it becomes important to me. If he is playing in a golf tournament, every now & then I'll make sure I'm free to watch him. I'll always ask how his practise or rounds went. Just as every now & then he'll come on a hack on foot to keep us company or to help me move hay when needed and will always ask after my horse. If he was ever questioned by his mates at the pub, he would deny buying extra carrots, apples and polo's at the supermarket on purpose for said horse but the fact that he does, means a lot.

In all honesty, if you both can't or wont compromise (and relationships are a compromise, no matter how wonderful the relationship is) then this may be a hugwhile red flag. There's no shame in this not being "the one" or realising you both don't want the same thing.


----------



## mytwofriends (25 June 2017)

Has this all blown up due to the cost of the full livery, or did he only just realise how much your horse had been costing you on DIY - and he's now shocked at how much you spend?

More devil's advocate here, but if you hadn't been up front before, and he was going about his business thinking money (yours and his) was no issue and you'd soon be in a position to get a place of your own, then it might have come as a bit of a bombshell if he found out all wasn't as it appeared.

I'm not saying he's right to fly off the handle with you, but I don't see this as a choice between OH or horse. That's too flippant. Communication is the most important factor in a relationship as far as I'm concerned, and it sounds to me like this might have broken down. 

Before you throw your relationship away, think hard what's important to you. Is this really arising over an extra £15pw, or is it more deep seated? Is there a compromise to be had? Only you and he know, OP.

Good luck.


----------



## SO1 (25 June 2017)

Your boyfriend is of course entitled to his opinion. For people who do not own horses £85 a week is a lot to spend on a horse or perhaps any hobby. I am on part livery and I spend a lot more than that but I am single so it is different. I think if I told most people how much I spend on my horse they would be horrified and think it was a total waste of money.

So your partner is not saving anything as his parents will contribute his share whenever he wants it seems, so he could move out now if you had the money. It could be he is fed up with living at home and the only thing stopping him moving out is that you do not have the money, I can see this could be frustrating for him. His situation is different he has financial support from his parents so he does not have to save anything.

The relationship is not equal due to his fortunate financial situation he does not have to give up anything to move in with you, whilst you would need to try and cut back your expenditure or increase your income to save enough to move in with him so it will be harder for you.

Have you talked about if you would like to start a family at some point, as your horse is still young and say you wanted to start a family at 30 this would be extra costs for you both on top the costs of having a horse.

Taking on a joint mortgage is a big responsibility and a risk if you have never lived together before. 

What are your career aspirations, being on part livery would enable you to travel for work or work longer hours if necessarily, which could give more options in terms of careers and future earning potential.

In most relationships one person may earn more than another or have greater expenditure, finances can cause lots of arguments.

There is also a big difference in someone not being interested in horses and someone hating them. If your partner hates horses then I think could be a problem if you love them. If anything happened and you needed a little bit of support from him with the horses then that probably would cause conflict.


----------



## Libby_x (25 June 2017)

Yes we both love each other and get on very well. I make lots of compromises and so does he but the horse has never been much of an issue until now. 

He went mad as in shouting and getting quite nasty with words but hasn't really brought it up today. Maybe he'd had more to drink than I thought and it was more the alcohol talking? 

I think if I keep working towards saving more and increasing my income he can't really say a lot. Hopefully I can balance my funds to suit all but life is hard juggling so much at once.


----------



## Moomin1 (25 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			Yes we both love each other and get on very well. I make lots of compromises and so does he but the horse has never been much of an issue until now. 

He went mad as in shouting and getting quite nasty with words but hasn't really brought it up today. Maybe he'd had more to drink than I thought and it was more the alcohol talking? 

I think if I keep working towards saving more and increasing my income he can't really say a lot. Hopefully I can balance my funds to suit all but life is hard juggling so much at once.
		
Click to expand...

How long have you been together? If it's just a one off row then I really would just let the dust settle and then have a chat about it in a more calm (and non drunk) setting.  It sounds like he's perhaps just had a shock at how much you spend on the horse and is perhaps feeling a bit insecure over your future.


----------



## Libby_x (25 June 2017)

4 years. Yes, I think maybe it's also a sharp reminder for me to check my funds and get a tight budget sheet set up. beg work for overtime also!


----------



## Fidgety (25 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			He went mad as in shouting and getting quite nasty with words but hasn't really brought it up today. Maybe he'd had more to drink than I thought and it was more the alcohol talking?
		
Click to expand...

No, alcohol has a tendency to bring out the side of the character we, for what ever reasons, tend to keep to ourselves. 



Libby_x said:



			I think if I keep working towards saving more and increasing my income he can't really say a lot. Hopefully I can balance my funds to suit all but life is hard juggling so much at once.
		
Click to expand...

And in return, he will be doing...? 

This is before you even move in together, let alone make some sort of commitment to each other.  Personally I wouldn't be touching him with somebody else's bargepole .  Run.  Fast.


----------



## Kezzabell2 (25 June 2017)

Fidgety said:



			No, alcohol has a tendency to bring out the side of the character we, for what ever reasons, tend to keep to ourselves. 



And in return, he will be doing...? 

This is before you even move in together, let alone make some sort of commitment to each other.  Personally I wouldn't be touching him with somebody else's bargepole .  Run.  Fast.
		
Click to expand...

hahah where's the like button

honestly this is a very similar post to one I wrote 2 years ago!  best thing I ever did was get the heck out of it!


----------



## stencilface (25 June 2017)

I'm sorry but if anyone shouted and said nasty things to me over my hobby I wouldn't be making excuses for them. 

Things get hard if you move in with someone and latterly have kids if he can't take this you both need a rethink. You really need to explain to him that it's love me, love my horse. He needs it explaining to him that horses keep you happy, if he wants you happy the horses stay. If he still doesn't get it. Keep the horse and let him make his own decision.


----------



## TandD (25 June 2017)

I'm in similar shoes to you op, perhaps not quiet so far down the line with moving out but it's in the back of my mind. I realise I need to save/get more money and always look for ways to do this. My bf currently  earns far more than me (he's older) and puts more money into the joint things we do together e.g. trips out/food  etc, although I always try to pay my way to.

However my bf (who still lives with his parents as do i) is fully supportive of what I do, and I have 3 of the beasts!! He came into my life without  knowing  how fully involved  i was and has accepted everything  thrown his way.  If he did not accept my lifestyle, the time I spent with them and the money involved then i would not be with him as it just wouldn't work.
The horses were in my life long before he was and he knows this and he respects what I do, I couldnt/wouldn't give them up for someone. I could not be with someone who doesn't support my one hobby as I am careful with the money I spend on them, and budget for them. I don't go out every weekend drinking, buying new clothes or going on holiday every month too. 

However he does know what I spend on them, how much things cost etc as I think it's fair. Yes he doesn't need to and he doesn't tell me how to spend my money, but I like being honest so it's not a shock in the future should things move forward. However if he had 'gone mad' at me over the money I spend then I would not have him sticking around.

I realise I am a very lucky girl. To have a totally non horsey guy accept all aspects of horses and to not once ever moan of the cost that does affect our going out and how much we each spend on joint things, (he'll even buy bits for them and has taken up riding for me) is probably a one in a million chance. I absolutely adore him for all that he does and puts up with!


----------



## Moomin1 (25 June 2017)

Jeepers it was a one off row about it in 4 entire years.  Everyone says things they don't mean during heated rows in relationships.  Heck, I've had enough rows with my OH of 7 years to know that.  It's how you come out of it and move on from there that matters. If he hasn't mentioned it since, my guess would be that he's got over the shock of how much OP  spend and decided to get over it. However if he continues to have issues with it then obviously it's a problem.


----------



## TheOldTrout (25 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			Yes we both love each other and get on very well. I make lots of compromises and so does he but the horse has never been much of an issue until now. 

He went mad as in shouting and getting quite nasty with words but hasn't really brought it up today. Maybe he'd had more to drink than I thought and it was more the alcohol talking? 

I think if I keep working towards saving more and increasing my income he can't really say a lot. Hopefully I can balance my funds to suit all but life is hard juggling so much at once.
		
Click to expand...

That last paragraph doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun. Are you sure you want to spend your life saving, working, juggling so that somebody who goes mad at you and shouts nasty things "can't really say a lot"?


----------



## Cecile (25 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			Yes we both love each other and get on very well. I make lots of compromises and so does he but the horse has never been much of an issue until now. 

He went mad as in shouting and getting quite nasty with words but hasn't really brought it up today. Maybe he'd had more to drink than I thought and it was more the alcohol talking? 


I think if I keep working towards saving more and increasing my income he can't really say a lot. Hopefully I can balance my funds to suit all but life is hard juggling so much at once.
		
Click to expand...

No-one has the right to shout at you, I am shocked he had the nerve to show his face today.  I'm wondering if his drinking is playing a bigger role in all this rather than the horse and when he drinks he should just keep away.  If his behaviour is starting to become odd when he has been drinking maybe he should address this immediately.  Being a non drinker I am always quite amazed how some people can behave, happy drunks make me smile but others shouldn't go near the stuff


----------



## ycbm (25 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			4 years. Yes, I think maybe it's also a sharp reminder for me to check my funds and get a tight budget sheet set up. beg work for overtime also!
		
Click to expand...

Four years?  Can I ask why you haven't already set up home together, that sounds like a very long time to me, but maybe I'm just old.


----------



## Moomin1 (25 June 2017)

ycbm said:



			Four years?  Can I ask why you haven't already set up home together, that sounds like a very long time to me, but maybe I'm just old.
		
Click to expand...

I gathered from earlier posts it was down to finance.


----------



## ycbm (25 June 2017)

Moomin1 said:



			I gathered from earlier posts it was down to finance.
		
Click to expand...

I got the same impression but wanted the OP to confirm. If it is finance, and they don't live together because they both spend their money on other things instead of renting a room in a shared house, that doesn't sound like much of a love match to me. Or certainly not one I would have settled for at that age, living apart with parents at the age of twenty five after four years together. It sounds much more like 'friends with benefits'. I just can't imagine wanting the choice of sleeping together under one or other parents roof, or going home alone to my childhood bedroom if I loved my partner.

As I said, maybe I'm just from a different era.  In my day (pass the waking stick, dear!) it was common for parents to charge adult offspring rent, which gave you an incentive to be independent.


----------



## Libby_x (25 June 2017)

Definitely not friends with benefits  I would be in an even worse financial state if we were renting right now or in a rented room. I think the aim is to get a mortgage rather than rent. Many friends have rented and then ended up moving back in their late 20's to try and save for a mortgage.


----------



## ester (25 June 2017)

*hands walking stick back* I paid rent, I was permitted to freeload in my gap year as the deal was I would get no money for uni, I worked full time for the year and that and hols working paid for uni. As soon as I came back rent was charged . I am always surprised how many people find that odd. There is definitely an increasing level of normality of staying with parents longer term though, horse or no horse. 

For me any partner would have it pointed out how much saner I am with a horse than without .


----------



## Moomin1 (25 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			Definitely not friends with benefits  I would be in an even worse financial state if we were renting right now or in a rented room. I think the aim is to get a mortgage rather than rent. Many friends have rented and then ended up moving back in their late 20's to try and save for a mortgage.
		
Click to expand...

When you say 'even worse financial state' OP, you make it sound like you have got considerable financial struggles right now.  If that is the case then personally I can fully see why your OH may just have reached tipping point.


----------



## Sugar_and_Spice (25 June 2017)

I actually think too much is made of the "compromise" thing in relationships.  It's ok to not want to compromise and if 2 people are at opposite ends of a spectrum, then the necessary amount of compromise needed for them both to meet in the middle means neither would be happy.  Sometimes *not* compromising is entirely the right thing to do.  Have a think about what your life plans would be if you were single and not considering any partner.  It's too easy to get caught up in compromising, going with the flow and hoping things change/improve because you think it's the "right" thing to do.

Be aware that some partners won't ask/demand that you give up something they don't like you spending money/time/attention on, because it would make them look like "the bad guy".  Instead, they keep on and on and on, slowly beating you down without you even realising it, until one day you "decide for yourself" to stop doing whatever it is that they don't like.  Except it hasn't really been your decision, not if the reason you made it was to prevent yourself getting hassled about it any more.

I'd ditch him and not because of the horse (that's just a symptom of his attitude to money/you).  I had a partner like this and thought it didn't matter because I was independent and happy to pay my share even when there was a disparity in salaries. Like you I thought we loved/cared about/wanted the best for each other.  We talked about children, I wanted them and knew I wouldn't want to work until they went to school. I already did all the cleaning/tidying and just knew I'd be left to do most of the childcare, with him just doing the fun stuff with the children so I could get on with the housework. And he'd have viewed that as him doing me a favour :rolleyes3: .  The first thing he asked was how I'd afford the horse if I stopped working.  He was unimpressed when I told him that expense would have to come out of the "family money", which would be the new label for his wages, along with all the other expenses of life.  He could have well afforded it, nobody would have needed to go without so I could have a horse.  Then I became unwell and had to cut down to part time work.  The first words out of his mouth were "what if you end up not working at all and I have to pay for everything forever" accompanied by a look of horror.  




Libby_x said:



			He went mad as in shouting and getting quite nasty with words but hasn't really brought it up today. Maybe he'd had more to drink than I thought and it was more the alcohol talking?
		
Click to expand...

Being drunk #1 doesn't make it ok for him to treat you like that and #2 is a warning in itself.  If drinking alcohol caused me to behave in that manner towards someone I supposedly loved, then I wouldn't drink alcohol ever.


----------



## ycbm (25 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			Definitely not friends with benefits  I would be in an even worse financial state if we were renting right now or in a rented room. I think the aim is to get a mortgage rather than rent. Many friends have rented and then ended up moving back in their late 20's to try and save for a mortgage.
		
Click to expand...

It may just be something you wrote quickly without thinking about it, but what did you mean you 'think' the objective is a mortgage?  Don't you know?  Haven't you discussed it and worked out how much the pair of you need and where is going to come from?  If not, that sounds like the root of your problem, not what you spend on your horse.  Time to get talking, I think.


----------



## Moomin1 (25 June 2017)

I agree with what you are saying in the main Sugar and Spice. If two people cannot come to a happy compromise without considerably changing their lives then that's a concern.  On the other token, I also find it concerning how many people seem to think it 'sweet' and 'true love' when a partner starts doing things like taking up riding to please their OH, despite not being interested in it etc.  That isn't true love, it's someone being fake to try and please the other. A real genuine relationship IMO is when two people don't have to 'try' to please the other, and accept that both have different interests and are separate people.


----------



## Feival (25 June 2017)

It's naff all to do with him, so tell him so. If he doesn't wind his neck in show him the door, sharply!


----------



## Moomin1 (25 June 2017)

Feival said:



			It's naff all to do with him, so tell him so. If he doesn't wind his neck in show him the door, sharply!
		
Click to expand...

I think it has got something to do with him if they plan in saving for a house together.  I really don't get this attitude where so many horsey women insist on 'he loves my horse or he goes'..


----------



## Libby_x (25 June 2017)

Nothing terrible but to rent where I am, it's at least £800 when you add bills. I pay rent at home but nothing close to that amount. To rent a room in someone's house is something I did at uni for half a year and it's not particularly cheap and felt very awkward living in a strangers house. 

I would prefer a mortgage to renting but if in a year or two it's not coming together as fast then I may just have to rent but I need to work my way up at work a bit first to afford rent and a horse.


----------



## Sugar_and_Spice (25 June 2017)

Moomin1 said:



			I think it has got something to do with him if they plan in saving for a house together.  I really don't get this attitude where so many horsey women insist on 'he loves my horse or he goes'..
		
Click to expand...


It's a respect thing.  He doesn't have to love the horse but he does have to love his partner (unless there are people who are happy to be in a committed relationship with/share a house with someone who doesn't love them?) and if you truely love someone you respect them.  If he hates horses or just doesn't want to be with a horse owner because of the financial implications, then he should be the one to walk away from the relationship because it's not the right relationship *for him*.  Sticking around and "going mad" at his partner to try to get her to change into the person he wishes she was, just isn't on.


----------



## LadySam (25 June 2017)

ycbm said:



			It may just be something you wrote quickly without thinking about it, but what did you mean you 'think' the objective is a mortgage?  ... Time to get talking, I think.
		
Click to expand...

I had the same thought.  If you 'think' the objective is a mortgage, and the OH has chucked a major wobbly because he's _just_ found out after _four years_ of being together what horses really cost, then it doesn't look like you've had proper serious discussions about money yet.  You need to do this before you set up house.

It can be very uncomfortable talking openly and honestly about money - not just your incomings and outgoings but also aims and aspirations and planning how you're going to get there together.  Working out what's negotiable and what's not.  But you need to do it.  Not only do you need a proper financial plan laid out for the two of you to work on together (just 'let's both save up' doesn't cut it), it will also tell you bucketloads about your partner and your relationship that you never quite knew.  Which may or may not lead to not setting up house after all, once you know things you don't know now.

I'm trying not to catastrophise here, so I'm not going to get into the 'dumping' conversation.  But I also don't think the horse should be an area of compromise.  Sure relationships are give and take, but everyone has their non-negotiables too.  Horses were there first for you and are important, so working out how to accommodate that while working towards joint goals is something you need to bring to the table for discussion.

And I dare say, _that_ conversation will be an eye opener.  Either way.


----------



## Moomin1 (25 June 2017)

Sugar_and_Spice said:



			It's a respect thing.  He doesn't have to love the horse but he does have to love his partner (unless there are people who are happy to be in a committed relationship with/share a house with someone who doesn't love them?) and if you truely love someone you respect them.  If he hates horses or just doesn't want to be with a horse owner because of the financial implications, then he should be the one to walk away from the relationship because it's not the right relationship *for him*.  Sticking around and "going mad" at his partner to try to get her to change into the person he wishes she was, just isn't on.
		
Click to expand...

It was one row.  In 4 years. I'd hardly say that indicates he is trying to change her....

As for the rest, yes I agree, if he doesn't want to be with someone who would rather spend her money on her horse than divide it between him and her horse, then it is down to him to walk away. It appears though that OP plans to try and make both horse ownership and her relationship work.  Nowhere in any of this thread do I see any information to suggest her OH doesn't accept this.


----------



## KittenInTheTree (25 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			Nothing terrible but to rent where I am, it's at least £800 when you add bills. I pay rent at home but nothing close to that amount. To rent a room in someone's house is something I did at uni for half a year and it's not particularly cheap and felt very awkward living in a strangers house. 

I would prefer a mortgage to renting but if in a year or two it's not coming together as fast then I may just have to rent but I need to work my way up at work a bit first to afford rent and a horse.
		
Click to expand...

You're living at home and paying in/contributing to the household whilst you establish your career - that seems perfectly reasonable to me.


----------



## Sugar_and_Spice (25 June 2017)

Moomin1 said:



			It was one row.  In 4 years. I'd hardly say that indicates he is trying to change her....

As for the rest, yes I agree, if he doesn't want to be with someone who would rather spend her money on her horse than divide it between him and her horse, then it is down to him to walk away. It appears though that OP plans to try and make both horse ownership and her relationship work.  Nowhere in any of this thread do I see any information to suggest her OH doesn't accept this.
		
Click to expand...

So far though, she's planning to make it work by appeasing him.  She posted a while back about juggling everything so he "can't say anything".  She sounds like she's running herself into the ground doing (or considering doing, hence this thread) what he wants rather than what she wants.  When one person sets out to appease the other, then confrontation is avoided and it's unsurprising if there are no rows.  She's so ready to do it, and making excuses on this thread for his bad behaviour, telling us that she puts up with him often being in the pub though it's clear she's not happy about that, that I wonder how long she's been appeasing him and if it's how the relationship has always been.  This could be the first row because its the first time she's challenged him over something and not instantly backed down.

To answer you last sentence - only the bit that prompted this thread, the bit where he threw his toys out of the pram at hearing something he doesn't like, that's hardly acceptance is it.  She hasn't even had (however insincere) an appology for the way he spoke to her, instead he's not mentioned it and is therefore acting like it's fine that he was, in her words "nasty".


----------



## windand rain (26 June 2017)

Now a days a deposit of over £30000 is needed to buy a house it would take me a life time to raise that renting is by far an easier option. Some schemes are rent to buy where the rent builds up as your deposit on the house but there are not many of those and drinking and horse ownership however you look at it are not going to help the situation at all. I can only afford my ponies because we work on a shoestring, have collected everything they need over the many years of horse ownership and dont drink. smoke, go out or go on holiday. I have worked all hours god sent in the past a weekly hour tally was over a hundred in a week and I had three kids and dogs ponies etc but I also had a very supportive OH he is a gem and has always been happy to support the horses if I worked or not. He also changed more nappies and learned to cook so I could work and have the ponies. There have been times when we had to sell the ponies for financial reasons but I am unhappy without so as soon as the situation changed we bought another one. He is the one who ahd bought his first pony this weekend after 41 years he is now a pony owner himself. He never really liked animals as he hates the hair and dirt that goes with them but he loves me enough to know the ponies are a major part of my happiness. His hobby was cars even more expensive than horses when you change the car every few months. He still would like a classic car but know now we are on a pension and dont have a garage to store it it is impractical. Compromise is essential but it results in resentment unless the compromise is acceptable to both parties.Ie you work hard to cover your expenses and add a bit to the pot and he only goes to the pub as often as he can afford to add the same amount to the pot without expecting his parents to pay his share


----------



## maggie62 (26 June 2017)

I find it interesting that all the good advice offered seems to be falling on deaf ears. The OP seems to just want to play it all down, citing he may have been drinking to have gone mad etc. I personally would steer clear of someone that is angry and nasty when drinking. After too many years of putting up with this type of behavior from my ex (no horse involved) its a highway to disaster. I wonder why she didn't speak with her parents regarding this problem. Its just an observation after reading this thread.....no offence intended.


----------



## windand rain (26 June 2017)

I should add that if he had ever said its me or the horse he would be gone as much as I love him as it would be a symptom of something far more sinister. Emotional bullying and cruelty is far worse in many cases as it make the victim think it is their fault, unhappy and guilty all the time. They then spend every waking moment trying to appease the bullying partner who becomes more and more controlling as they succeed in manipulating the partner


----------



## Moomin1 (26 June 2017)

windand rain said:



			I should add that if he had ever said its me or the horse he would be gone as much as I love him as it would be a symptom of something far more sinister. Emotional bullying and cruelty is far worse in many cases as it make the victim think it is their fault, unhappy and guilty all the time. They then spend every waking moment trying to appease the bullying partner who becomes more and more controlling as they succeed in manipulating the partner
		
Click to expand...

He hasn't said it's her or the horse.  

In fact, we know very little about what he has actually said.  All we know is they had a one off heated row over cost of her horses in 4 years.  

I fully agree that it sounds like there are issues in this relationship that need addressing.  But I think to jump to the conclusion that this guy is some sort of nasty bully simply on the basis of one row is ludicrous. I also think to say he is some sort of habitually nasty drunk who frequents the pub all his life and should instead be sat at home listening to OP talk about horses at the mere age of 25 is ridiculous.  He's young.    Why shouldn't he have a life too? If the involves going to the pub a few nights per week with his mates, so be it.  If OP turns round and says this guy is in the pub every single night, coming in steaming drunk, and becoming aggressive then for enough, there's an alarming issue and I would suggest running for the hills.  But OP has merely stated that he goes to the pub. And that they had a one off row in 4 years.


----------



## joosie (26 June 2017)

Moomin1 said:



			I fully agree that it sounds like there are issues in this relationship that need addressing.  But I think to jump to the conclusion that this guy is some sort of nasty bully simply on the basis of one row is ludicrous. I also think to say he is some sort of habitually nasty drunk who frequents the pub all his life and should instead be sat at home listening to OP talk about horses at the mere age of 25 is ridiculous.  He's young.    Why shouldn't he have a life too? If the involves going to the pub a few nights per week with his mates, so be it.
		
Click to expand...

Totally agree with Moomin's posts, especially this.
There's a lot of assumptions and accusations flying around in this thread. Not to mention the hypocrisy! - apparently OP has every right to choose to spend her money on her horse, but it's not okay for the boyfriend to choose to spend his money on socialising. He isn't allowed to complain about the horse, oh no, but it's ok for us to complain about him going to the pub!

Personally I think the relationship sounds pretty much doomed, because of attitudes on BOTH sides...


----------



## Libby_x (26 June 2017)

the advice isn't falling on death ears, I can confirm we're definitely not friends with benefits just because we're still living at home at 25 and I wouldn't say the relationship is doomed. 

We get on very well, he in the past has been very helpful with the horses. But was a huge shock to get into a argument over the horse costs. 

The relationship isn't failing because we haven't established financially what we're doing yet. Maybe my head is in the clouds but only a small number of my friends have managed to get on the housing ladder so far.

I was more just wondering what people do when their partners do start to resent the horse costs? I think I've established I need to make sure I'm making my fair share of money to justify a horse if we're also going to start saving whether it to be renting or get a mortgage. 

I do need to establish and have a good chat with him about the horse and my plans, this has all come to light now but no, I do not mind about him spending his money in the pub, it's unlikely to add up to the costs of my horse. 

I am not in a position to sell as she's only 4 and after backing her last year, we're now recovering a field injury and not suited to a sharer or able to live out easily as very sensitive skin. 

Thank you for all of the advice. I'll struggle to keep up with the post now Monday and back to work after the weekend and I'm not being rude, none of the help and advice has fallen on death ears. I'm just struggling to keep up and reply to everything.


----------



## Moomin1 (26 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			the advice isn't falling on death ears, I can confirm we're definitely not friends with benefits just because we're still living at home at 25 and I wouldn't say the relationship is doomed. 

We get on very well, he in the past has been very helpful with the horses. But was a huge shock to get into a argument over the horse costs. 

The relationship isn't failing because we haven't established financially what we're doing yet. Maybe my head is in the clouds but only a small number of my friends have managed to get on the housing ladder so far.

I was more just wondering what people do when their partners do start to resent the horse costs? I think I've established I need to make sure I'm making my fair share of money to justify a horse if we're also going to start saving whether it to be renting or get a mortgage. 

I do need to establish and have a good chat with him about the horse and my plans, this has all come to light now but no, I do not mind about him spending his money in the pub, it's unlikely to add up to the costs of my horse. 

I am not in a position to sell as she's only 4 and after backing her last year, we're now recovering a field injury and not suited to a sharer or able to live out easily as very sensitive skin. 

Thank you for all of the advice. I'll struggle to keep up with the post now Monday and back to work after the weekend and I'm not being rude, none of the help and advice has fallen on death ears. I'm just struggling to keep up and reply to everything.
		
Click to expand...

Sounds very sensible.  Good luck OP.


----------



## cootuk (26 June 2017)

I haven't read all the thread, but if he baulks at £85pw then have you told him about vet bills?
Does the £85 also include shoeing, teeth, rugs etc?

I think anyone who has a partner into horses has to accept that it is a never ending money pit.
It does need a sort of blank cheque book approach.
You could argue that it's the price of a nice car, or really good holidays.
I would prefer the horse to those though


----------



## Antw23uk (26 June 2017)

Oh buy a property together with land and get a second horse ..... Then you'll be really happy!!!!! *grumbles* #husbandsapig


----------



## Feival (26 June 2017)

Moomin1 said:



			I think it has got something to do with him if they plan in saving for a house together.  I really don't get this attitude where so many horsey women insist on 'he loves my horse or he goes'..
		
Click to expand...

i dont expect my OH to love my horses, just that they are hugely important to me and she has to accept that. As the OP and her partner dont live together and share costs, it really is naff all to do with him, as it's OP's money and choice.


----------



## Damnation (26 June 2017)

I can see where he is coming from.

My OH knows how much my horse costs, and we live at his dads. But, like you we are trying to save for our own place together. My horse is retired so I don't have competitions, saddles, bridles, tack, shoes to worry about but the money still mounts up after dentist, worming, jabs, rugs, feed, livery and a recent huge vets bill!!

Perhaps he is just fustrated about how much it is costing vs you both being able to get your own space?

You sound very level headed about it so I think you both just need an open discussion regarding the costs and what you can afford to save.

I want a 2nd horse but that is on hold at the moment - Yes I could still afford to save right now but my worry is not being able to afford my share of the running costs when we do get our own place.


----------



## tristar (26 June 2017)

on the bloke front , next time he tells you horses are too expensive, jump up and down a bit, yell, pout, and stomp off after telling him that you don`t complain about him going to the pub, and the horse is better looking than he is anyway.

put yourself first, you are not committed to this person, stay friends, when he says about going somewhere on sunday say you are going to a horse show, and go.

work on your your own future and career.

if its a house you want, start looking at houses that need doing up, study the housing market, start now to get your eye in, and save what you can so when the moment comes you are ready to leap.

people underestimate the attachment horse people have for horses, and they don`t understand it, to some people it is something they cannot live without.

try to explain to the boyfriend how you feel about the horse, and the responsibility you feel in caring for its future, it shows you capable of carrying something through, tell him you are looking at the big picture relationship, home and horse and do not want be held back, you want to go for all and if he can`t keep up ask him not to get in your way.

he sounds very immature, its up to you to lead the way by being firm on this, when he sees you are clear thinking and confident in what you do and the decisions you make for YOURSELF he will respect you and learn to support you.


----------



## cbmcts (26 June 2017)

The one thing I'll say to the OP is that if you think £800 a month rent is expensive just imagine how much money is wasted in legal fees, stamp duty, estate agents etc if your first time living together is in a bought house and the relationship doesn't work out and you need to sell up in the first couple of years...

IME you can love someone to bits but living with anybody is a baptism of fire - there is so much to potentially fall out about especially if it's yours or their first time living independently with all the financial and practical stresses that come with it. Even at my very advanced age now I wouldn't move in with a newish OH and buy a house at the same time, renting may be seen as dead money but entwining your finances at this point in your life could be a huge mistake that takes a long time to recover from.

My OH is not horsey or even really into animals ( allergic to animal hair so never had pets as a child and so on) but he accepts mine as they make me happy. We have separate finances - he is much better off and generally better with money than me, maybe because he's never had horses???  - but over the years various conversations have come up about costs and while never critical, he was horrified at some of the costs especially vets bills, oh and tack but he has always offered to cover costs if it would leave me short. I never had needed to accept the offer and would be very reluctant to do so as they aren't his responsibility but I appreciate the fact he is supportive. My EXH wasn't but what really grated was he thought he could spend as he wanted while criticising my choices, all money shortages were blamed on the animals but funnily enough when we split I kept the animals, paid the bills AND paid off the debts I was left with on a single salary, funny that. 

If you do decide to move in together and share finances I would advise that you set up a budget where you both contribute to bills and are left a realistic equal personal spending budget that in your case would cover the cost of a horse with a bit left over and an agreement that both of you can spend your own money as you see fit. If you can't afford to do that it sadly looks like neither of you can afford to live together...

Finally, it does concern me that he is relying on his parents for his share of the deposit and not saving anything himself while feeling free to comment about the fact that you're not saving - a touch hypocritical and not a good omen for being financially compatible.


----------



## Sugar_and_Spice (26 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			I was more just wondering what people do when their partners do start to resent the horse costs?
		
Click to expand...

I'll try to make it simpler.   There's no action you can take to make him think differently, nothing you can actually *do*, except to see, and accept, the situation for what it is.  What I do is I see it as the thin end of the wedge, a sign that he is not really a supportive person.  A relationship with someone who isn't supportive is hell when something goes wrong, therefore I'd break up with him.  For me, it's that simple.  Love is not enough, you need compatibility too.

If the interest rates went up and it became tight to afford the mortgage, I don't want to live with someone who's first reaction is: we can't afford the horse, it has to go.  For me, getting rid of the horse is a last resort, not the first choice.  

Less than 100% supportive people are fine as friends or dating partners, but if I live with someone I want us both to be there for each other totally.  I see pets as part of the family, so that means they'd have to be there for my horse too.  If my horse is ill I want my current partners reaction of asking what he can do to help and discussing what the horse needs.  Not someone who's first reaction is to focus on how much it will cost, or someone who will get stroppy at the cost.  At such a time I'd need emotional support from my partner as I'd be worried about my ill horse, not someone who I felt I couldn't talk to because they resent the horses costs in general or someone who would be unsympathetic.  

You live at home with your parents and pay your way there, you have a job and are working hard at your career, yet your partners attitude towards your horse makes you feel guilty and as if you should sell up, even though that's not what you want to do and you've actually nothing to feel guilty for.  That's a bad sign IMO.  

If you do move in with him I suggest renting for at least a year first, so you can be more certain whether you're cut out to live together or not.  If you do decide to break up it's easier to walk away from a rented property, than to potentially be stuck living in the same house as your ex whilst they make selling the house more difficult than it has to be.  It happens to lots of people, makes them miserable, stops them moving on as quickly emotionally, and sometimes lands them in financial trouble if the person who didn't instigate the break up stops paying their share out of spite.  I wish I hadn't seen so many of my friends go through break ups, but it happens and those who got out largely unscathed were usually the ones who were renting.


----------



## FfionWinnie (26 June 2017)

cbmcts said:



			The one thing I'll say to the OP is that if you think £800 a month rent is expensive just imagine how much money is wasted in legal fees, stamp duty, estate agents etc if your first time living together is in a bought house and the relationship doesn't work out and you need to sell up in the first couple of years...

IME you can love someone to bits but living with anybody is a baptism of fire - there is so much to potentially fall out about especially if it's yours or their first time living independently with all the financial and practical stresses that come with it. Even at my very advanced age now I wouldn't move in with a newish OH and buy a house at the same time, renting may be seen as dead money but entwining your finances at this point in your life could be a huge mistake that takes a long time to recover from.

My OH is not horsey or even really into animals ( allergic to animal hair so never had pets as a child and so on) but he accepts mine as they make me happy. We have separate finances - he is much better off and generally better with money than me, maybe because he's never had horses???  - but over the years various conversations have come up about costs and while never critical, he was horrified at some of the costs especially vets bills, oh and tack but he has always offered to cover costs if it would leave me short. I never had needed to accept the offer and would be very reluctant to do so as they aren't his responsibility but I appreciate the fact he is supportive. My EXH wasn't but what really grated was he thought he could spend as he wanted while criticising my choices, all money shortages were blamed on the animals but funnily enough when we split I kept the animals, paid the bills AND paid off the debts I was left with on a single salary, funny that. 

If you do decide to move in together and share finances I would advise that you set up a budget where you both contribute to bills and are left a realistic equal personal spending budget that in your case would cover the cost of a horse with a bit left over and an agreement that both of you can spend your own money as you see fit. If you can't afford to do that it sadly looks like neither of you can afford to live together...

Finally, it does concern me that he is relying on his parents for his share of the deposit and not saving anything himself while feeling free to comment about the fact that you're not saving - a touch hypocritical and not a good omen for being financially compatible.
		
Click to expand...

Very wise advice, OP listen to your elders. We've been there and made the mistakes already.


----------



## Libby_x (26 June 2017)

Thank you. I did mention to him a few months ago that even if we do save for a mortgage, I think we should rent for a year first. Completely understand your advice and very helpful.


----------



## Moomin1 (26 June 2017)

Feival said:



			i dont expect my OH to love my horses, just that they are hugely important to me and she has to accept that. As the OP and her partner dont live together and share costs, it really is naff all to do with him, as it's OP's money and choice.
		
Click to expand...

In that case it's naff all to do with her, you, or anybody else whether he spends his money in the pub.  And as already pointed out by OP, the issue has stemmed from the fact that they are planning to move in together.  Therefore I would say it has got something to do with him what their future finances will entail.  

Has nobody ever heard of anyone who has got married, house, kids etc and had to give up their horses before? It's very common and hardly the sign of 'being controlled' necessarily.  In some instances yes, but in many, it's simply a case of moving forward with life and making sacrifices.   Personally I've been very lucky and have managed to keep all aspects of my life the same.  But others aren't so lucky.


----------



## meleeka (26 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			Thank you. I did mention to him a few months ago that even if we do save for a mortgage, I think we should rent for a year first. Completely understand your advice and very helpful.
		
Click to expand...

That's a great idea. It is very true that you don't really know someone until you live with them.


----------



## DabDab (26 June 2017)

FfionWinnie said:



			Very wise advice, OP listen to your elders. We've been there and made the mistakes already. 

Click to expand...

Yep, completely agree - the single wisest thing I have ever done in my life is keep my finances separate from every partner I have had. Either I owned the house or he did, I've always paid the mortgage in my own house and then bills were split so that eg. I paid the electric and he paid council tax, broadband and water. It has allowed me to always stay independent and meant that even when neither of us was very well off, money never really became an issue for argument, and I was never under any pressure to stay in a relationship that was no longer working. 

I have a truly wonderful relationship now, but we still have separate finances. Because I have horses he is usually better off than me, but there has been the occasional month where I've had to lend him some money to tide him over after a big purchase etc.


----------



## Cocorules (26 June 2017)

cbmcts said:



			Even at my very advanced age now I wouldn't move in with a newish OH and buy a house at the same time, renting may be seen as dead money but entwining your finances at this point in your life could be a huge mistake that takes a long time to recover from.
		
Click to expand...

This is sensible. Your boyfriend maybe great and this may be a one off.  However living together is very different to dating.  There is a reason so many people have replied saying be careful rather than compromise. It is because it is too a common an experience to find that you do a&#314;l the compromising and treading on eggshells in case he gets upset about the horse or anything else.

You haven't said that it is like this but only you know what it is like.  If it isn't as you want it take heed now and if it gets like this in future walk sooner than later.

It is the voice of multiple experience that is resulting in posts like this saying take care.  As so many people have stayed longer in a relationship than was right for them.  To avoid this get to know what you each really want from life.  How you envisage dealing with money and responsibilities.  If he wants to travel for example and you cannot afford it with a horse, you are both better off knowing that now.

Hopefully yours is a relationship where you do want the same things and he is as genuinely happy to support you with your horse as you are to support him in his social life.  Just don't ignore what should be signs that things aren't right for you or for him in the name of "compromise".  It is how you get into and continue with a bad relationship.  In a good relationship as with a good friendship you don't really feel as though you have to sacrifice anything. 

Again hopefully this just doesn't apply to your relationship.


----------



## little_critter (26 June 2017)

be positive said:



			He has a "hobby" he drinks his disposable income rather than saving it, his parents may be able to contribute but that does not mean he has a reason to tell you what to do, I did have some sympathy for his point of view but if he "hates horses" that will be between you forever and will probably mean that if you give up this one to save for your future you will never have the chance to get another because he will always have something better to spend money on, if he really hates them it will be a case of him or a horse, with that attitude plus the fact he has saved nothing I am afraid I would continue with the horse as I suspect the relationship will end before too long. 

One of my liveries was with a partner who had no interest in her horse, he would not compromise at all so they parted ways, she now has a lovely partner who is taking an interest, is prepared to go forward knowing that the horse needs to be paid for so their first home may be not as nice as it could be but he also knows the horse makes her happy which makes him happy, he is now getting to be fairly competent around the yard and I think is enjoying learning new skills.
		
Click to expand...

Just because your partner isn't interested in horses doesn't me it can't work. Mine doesn't 'hate' horses but has no interest in them at all (or any other animal). He cycles for his hobby so he amuses himself with that and I go and play ponies! We have been together 22 years... I think it's working ok 

However, my thoughts on the post... Initially I thought your OH had a point ref spending more money on horses rather than save for your future together, then I read that he doesn't save anything at all so he has no leg to stand on in my eyes.
If you want this to work out then I think you need to sit down together and work out what you will each save to put towards a home. If you earn the same money then each put the same amount in. If you earn different amounts then maybe put a percentage of your pay in (eg you both contribute 10% of your wages) The remainder is yours and his to spend as you please.
As I say... first decide if you want this to work out between you.


----------



## Amye (26 June 2017)

I agree with Sugar_And_spice's last post.

OP I think you need to sit down with your OH and actually work out a plan if you want to move in together. It's all well and good saying to each other 'let's move in together soon..' and him saying 'my parents will stump up the money'. You need to actually sit down and talk about it and he probably needs to talk to his parents too to make sure they're happy to stump up a load of money. 

I agree that he does need to be supportive on the horse front. I CAN see his point of view, if he's expecting to get a place soon and then realises because of the money you're spending on the horse it's not going to happen, it could be a bit disappointed/annoyed and I can see how that could have turned into a row. But, if you're going to spend your life together/plan on moving in together then he needs to understand that horses also need to be paid for and how important they are to you. This isn't me saying 'if he doesn't like it he has to go', just that you both need to come to an understanding and have a plan of how you're going to save together for a place. And when you get a place how you're going to afford it.

Me and my OH recently bought a house together. We both don't have massively well paid jobs but we got a plan together on how much we were going to save and how much things were going to cost and stuck to it. We both have similar paid jobs so put the same amount of money aside for the deposit. I'm very luckily that my OH accepts that my horse is part of the package and is happy to pay for his day to day care out of our 'joint money' (money we put in a pot for bills/mortgage etc), any extras I want to buy come out of my spending money. My parents also helped us out with a bit of the deposit money, but I still saved myself and my parents just 'topped us up' so we could afford a better deposit. I do think he needs to think about putting some money aside not just relying on his parents to pay for his half... We didn't see it as me putting in a larger contribution because it was MY parents who could afford to help us out.. we saw it as my parents equally helping us both out because they wanted us both to be happy in our new home.


----------



## Cecile (26 June 2017)

Moomin1 said:



			In that case it's naff all to do with her, you, or anybody else whether he spends his money in the pub.  And as already pointed out by OP, the issue has stemmed from the fact that they are planning to move in together.  Therefore I would say it has got something to do with him what their future finances will entail.  

Has nobody ever heard of anyone who has got married, house, kids etc and had to give up their horses before? It's very common and hardly the sign of 'being controlled' necessarily.  In some instances yes, but in many, it's simply a case of moving forward with life and making sacrifices.   Personally I've been very lucky and have managed to keep all aspects of my life the same.  But others aren't so lucky.
		
Click to expand...

I was much more concerned with how the OP was confused by the shouting and nastiness and then asked whether it could be the drink talking, if it was the drink talking or booze makes him shout or be nasty this is a problem that he needs to address, debating about the future, money or what you want or don't want is one thing but shouting and being nasty is uncalled for

If someone/anyone came into my house and had been drinking or not, if they started shouting or being nasty they would be put out like an empty milk bottle and asked to come back when they were calmer/sober/sensible 

Good idea to rent for a while until you know this man very well OP


----------



## DabDab (26 June 2017)

Moomin1 said:



			In that case it's naff all to do with her, you, or anybody else whether he spends his money in the pub.  And as already pointed out by OP, the issue has stemmed from the fact that they are planning to move in together.  Therefore I would say it has got something to do with him what their future finances will entail.  

Has nobody ever heard of anyone who has got married, house, kids etc and had to give up their horses before? It's very common and hardly the sign of 'being controlled' necessarily.  In some instances yes, but in many, it's simply a case of moving forward with life and making sacrifices.   Personally I've been very lucky and have managed to keep all aspects of my life the same.  But others aren't so lucky.
		
Click to expand...

Yes, but the ones who stayed happy while making sacrifices, were the ones who made the decision themselves to do that, not because they felt like they should be getting on with a relationship. 

The OP does sound like she is looking at sacrifices at the moment - she's contemplating 5 day livery to give her more of an opportunity to put time into her career. The relationship on the other hand is playing second (or third) fiddle. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with making that decision or set of priorities. However, it doesn't sound like the boyfriend is in the same head space, and he may be having a bit of a crisis about where his life is going, and is projecting that onto his partner - hence the sudden issue with the horse. 

If the OP wishes to concentrate on career and horse and the boyfriend wants to concentrate on house, marriage and kids the this disagreement is just the beginning of one hell of a lot of angst between them and/or one of the couple ending up sacrificing beyond where they feel comfortable or happy. 

Working towards a joint future does not necessarily mean that future has to be getting a joint mortgage and having kids. There are other things to strive for as a couple.


----------



## FestiveFuzz (26 June 2017)

Tbh I would be more concerned at 25 that OP can't afford to live independently of her parents and is considering upping the current costs of her horse, rather than considering setting aside a reasonable amount each month to enable her to buy or rent a place of her own. Surely the benefit of living with your parents at that age is to enable you to save a decent amount of money to set you up for getting on the property ladder?

I'm only 5 years older than you OP, but still my priority in my twenties was being able to stand on my own two feet and be independent of my parents. When I graduated from uni I parted with my horse as I felt it was far more important to establish my career and at the end of the day a horse is a luxury (and yes, I too have had horses all my life). I was 25 when I was finally in a position to have a horse of my own again, and whilst he wanted for nothing he was kept on a shoestring budget. It took a couple of years to reach a point where I could afford a horse on full livery, and that's down to having a relatively high powered job with long hours and an even longer commute which fortunately affords me this luxury. In honesty it's the only way I can justify owning a horse these days as there's just not enough hours in the day otherwise! 

I think it's worth sitting down and having a think about your long term goals OP. Irrelevant of your OH, I think it would be good for you to consider where you see yourself in 3-5years. Are you and your parents happy with you living there long term i.e. into your thirties, or do you want to own your own house in that time? If it's the latter, what do you need to be putting aside each month to afford that?


----------



## Moomin1 (26 June 2017)

FestiveFuzz said:



			Tbh I would be more concerned at 25 that OP can't afford to live independently of her parents and is considering upping the current costs of her horse, rather than considering setting aside a reasonable amount each month to enable her to buy or rent a place of her own. Surely the benefit of living with your parents at that age is to enable you to save a decent amount of money to set you up for getting on the property ladder?

I'm only 5 years older than you OP, but still my priority in my twenties was being able to stand on my own two feet and be independent of my parents. When I graduated from uni I parted with my horse as I felt it was far more important to establish my career and at the end of the day a horse is a luxury (and yes, I too have had horses all my life). I was 25 when I was finally in a position to have a horse of my own again, and whilst he wanted for nothing he was kept on a shoestring budget. It took a couple of years to reach a point where I could afford a horse on full livery, and that's down to having a relatively high powered job with long hours and an even longer commute which fortunately affords me this luxury. In honesty it's the only way I can justify owning a horse these days as there's just not enough hours in the day otherwise! 

I think it's worth sitting down and having a think about your long term goals OP. Irrelevant of your OH, I think it would be good for you to consider where you see yourself in 3-5years. Are you and your parents happy with you living there long term i.e. into your thirties, or do you want to own your own house in that time? If it's the latter, what do you need to be putting aside each month to afford that?
		
Click to expand...

Completely agree.  And adding OH into the equation here...that may well be exactly what he is thinking too.  I cannot fathom why so many on this thread talk as if having the horse is a given right and everything else should fall around it.


----------



## MotherOfChickens (26 June 2017)

FestiveFuzz said:



			Tbh I would be more concerned at 25 that OP can't afford to live independently of her parents and is considering upping the current costs of her horse, rather than considering setting aside a reasonable amount each month to enable her to buy or rent a place of her own. Surely the benefit of living with your parents at that age is to enable you to save a decent amount of money to set you up for getting on the property ladder?
		
Click to expand...

glad someone said it. I was out of home at 16, car at 19, mortgage at 25, dog at 26, horse at 34 (would have been earlier except I went to uni at 28). There's no way I would have had a horse before the mortgage (and I was single) and no way I'd have lived with my parents in my 20s. And it was pre minimum wage and Cambridge rents.


----------



## ycbm (26 June 2017)

Moomin1 said:



			Completely agree.  And adding OH into the equation here...that may well be exactly what he is thinking too.  I cannot fathom why so many on this thread talk as if having the horse is a given right and everything else should fall around it.
		
Click to expand...

Me four.

Also is worth noting, I think, that the OH did not throw his toys out of his pram at the cost of the horse, which is what people are saying. That, he has accepted for three years at least. He threw his toys out of his pram at the suggestion that she was going to _ increase_ the cost of the horse when he thought they were supposed to be working towards moving in together.


----------



## FestiveFuzz (26 June 2017)

MotherOfChickens said:



			glad someone said it. I was out of home at 16, car at 19, mortgage at 25, dog at 26, horse at 34 (would have been earlier except I went to uni at 28). There's no way I would have had a horse before the mortgage (and I was single) and no way I'd have lived with my parents in my 20s. And it was pre minimum wage and Cambridge rents.
		
Click to expand...

Yup sadly bills and rent are a fact of life and my parents brought me up to understand if I couldn't afford them, I most definitely couldn't afford a horse! I've done the whole barely making ends meet with a London job and rent, where I'm pretty sure I barely broke even most months (and was only saved thanks to my fee free graduate overdraft!). I still remember sitting down one day and thinking that actually living in London wasn't for me as deep down all I wanted was a place with affordable rent and enough money left over to have a horse again. I did the maths, worked out what I needed to earn and 3 months later had bagged the job I needed outside of the city to start making that dream a reality. It was a steep learning curve, but one I'm eternally grateful for as it taught me how to budget and live within my means.


----------



## ester (26 June 2017)

I do think it is ok for people to have different plans and priorities though. I never intended to have a horse, he was/is still owned by mum on the basis that my parents decided to build next to grans paddock and it made sense to have 2 horses between 3 riders. 
However for me he has brought me more sanity and support than a partner ever would  so I have been able to have that degree of selfishness to do what is best for me. I'm sensible with money but also it was very important life was worth living.
Also with regards to saving due to my current situation I'm pleased I haven't spent the last 5 years just doing surviving (having seen the effect on others of doing that too) in order to save for an ever increasing house deposit.


----------



## Moomin1 (26 June 2017)

ester said:



			I do think it is ok for people to have different plans and priorities though. I never intended to have a horse, he was/is still owned by mum on the basis that my parents decided to build next to grans paddock and it made sense to have 2 horses between 3 riders. 
However for me he has brought me more sanity and support than a partner ever would  so I have been able to have that degree of selfishness to do what is best for me. I'm sensible with money but also it was very important life was worth living.
Also with regards to saving due to my current situation I'm pleased I haven't spent the last 5 years just doing surviving (having seen the effect on others of doing that too) in order to save for an ever increasing house deposit.
		
Click to expand...

Of course it's OK for people to have different plans and priorities.  That's why it's important OP and her OH discuss it and decide what they want to do.  But for her OH to be branded a bully for simply getting narked at the situation is highly unfair IMO.


----------



## ester (26 June 2017)

No I agree, I've been reading your posts nodding and tbf that doesnt happen that often


----------



## Moomin1 (26 June 2017)

ester said:



			No I agree, I've been reading your posts nodding and tbf that doesnt happen that often 

Click to expand...

Lol, are you feeling OK?


----------



## Ellietotz (26 June 2017)

Haven't read every single reply so not sure what the conclusion has ended up being. 
I am a couple of years younger than you and although I live with my partner in rented accommodation, have done for 4 years, I've found that a lot of people in their mid-twenties these days are still living at home to save for a mortgage. Rents these days are so high, it takes even longer to save to get at least a 5% deposit and even then, you can't get a decent mortgage for much more than a studio flat. If you have the option of still living at home, a lot will take that chance so they can save!  
My partner originally didn't like me spending a lot of money on my horse but he has learnt that nothing will change! As long as I can afford my bills, it's really not his business what my earnings go on but I always make sure I don't spend every last penny on my mare, as much as I want to. Every week we have a set day that we spend with each other so someone will cover my duties at the yard. This keeps us both happy and we can still have a good work/life/horse life balance. We both make sure our bills are always paid and that we have money to spend for days out, meals and so on as well as having money for our own personal interests. 
I don't know what the back story is with your partner and why he got annoyed, is he wanting to get a place with you? If so, I can understand that. I would get annoyed with my partner if we were saving up for something and he then spent it all on something else without putting some aside, same if it was the other way round. Just need to work out that balance and compromise. If you both have plans that require money, you need to negotiate on what you spend on the horse and what goes into your future with him.


----------



## Libby_x (26 June 2017)

To go on full livery (5 days a week) is a £10/15 increase and allows more time in the week to work overtime and concentrate on work. I'm not exactly doing it just to live at home longer. 

I don't know many people out of the family home before their 20. Maybe I'm from a different planet ?!


----------



## Moomin1 (26 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			To go on full livery (5 days a week) is a £10/15 increase and allows more time in the week to work overtime and concentrate on work. I'm not exactly doing it just to live at home longer. 

I don't know many people out of the family home before their 20. Maybe I'm from a different planet ?!
		
Click to expand...

I was out of the family home by 19. Admittedly it was to go to uni, but I never returned to the family home.  When I came out of uni I lived in a grotty bedsit working all hours.  I then managed to get a grotty 1 bed flat which was an improvement. I then managed to buy a ramshackle car working 3 jobs. I certainly couldn't have afforded a My Little Pony never mind a real one.  Fast forward 13 years and I have my own house, 2 kids  (well, one and other one due in a matter of weeks), 2 step kids, horse, 4 x4, and have gone to part time in my career.  But I have had to compromise and sacrifice to get there. Even more so now I'm part time.


----------



## Libby_x (26 June 2017)

I've always had a horse and not in a position I can sell the horse I've got now. There's no way I could afford to rent anywhere around me with my current situation.


----------



## KittenInTheTree (26 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			To go on full livery (5 days a week) is a £10/15 increase and allows more time in the week to work overtime and concentrate on work. I'm not exactly doing it just to live at home longer. 

I don't know many people out of the family home before their 20. Maybe I'm from a different planet ?!
		
Click to expand...

No, several of that age group in my extended family lived at home and paid in to the household until their early to mid-twenties, whilst saving and establishing their career paths. All have since gone on to live independently, but most chose to rent rather than buy.


----------



## DabDab (26 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			To go on full livery (5 days a week) is a £10/15 increase and allows more time in the week to work overtime and concentrate on work. I'm not exactly doing it just to live at home longer. 

I don't know many people out of the family home before their 20. Maybe I'm from a different planet ?!
		
Click to expand...

You're doing fine, and trying to build up your career and get yourself financially independent is absolutely OK (and very sensible long term). You just have to be honest with your OH that these are your goals in the next couple of years, and understand whether that genuinely works for him too. It's unfair to him to just keep carrying on and hoping it will all work out if he has a very different vision of your next few years together.


----------



## FestiveFuzz (26 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			I don't know many people out of the family home before their 20. Maybe I'm from a different planet ?!
		
Click to expand...

I'm surprised by that. The majority of my friends flew the nest after uni. A handful returned after graduating but that was to enable them to save in order to get on the property ladder. Personally I don't know of anyone out of my friendship group that chose to live in the family home without putting money aside for the future, but perhaps things have changed. 

With regard to the added costs, only you know what you can afford and what your priorities are. Worst case your livery bill increases by £65p/m, but if like you say this frees up more time for overtime which will in turn cover the additional costs and enable you to put some money into savings then I can see your logic.


----------



## Merlod (26 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			To go on full livery (5 days a week) is a £10/15 increase and allows more time in the week to work overtime and concentrate on work. I'm not exactly doing it just to live at home longer. 

I don't know many people out of the family home before their 20. Maybe I'm from a different planet ?!
		
Click to expand...

I am about your age and I agree entirely, out of my friend group 1 is renting and 1 is in the process or buying her first house with her partner (+ big help from her parents) it's very difficult. I moved back home after splitting with my last partner who I rented house with; I don&#8217;t see the point in moving out currently as I can&#8217;t afford to buy and don&#8217;t want to plough all my money into renting somewhere on my lonesome when I get on well with my parents and to be completely honest I am happy to be back in my large, rural childhood home (no waking up to having my car broken into/smashed!)


----------



## Clodagh (26 June 2017)

FestiveFuzz said:



			I'm surprised by that. The majority of my friends flew the nest after uni. A handful returned after graduating but that was to enable them to save in order to get on the property ladder. Personally I don't know of anyone out of my friendship group that chose to live in the family home without putting money aside for the future, but perhaps things have changed. 

With regard to the added costs, only you know what you can afford and what your priorities are. Worst case your livery bill increases by £65p/m, but if like you say this frees up more time for overtime which will in turn cover the additional costs and enable you to put some money into savings then I can see your logic.
		
Click to expand...

Not many people have finished uni by 20 though, unless they are prodigys.


----------



## Moomin1 (26 June 2017)

Clodagh said:



			Not many people have finished uni by 20 though, unless they are prodigys.
		
Click to expand...

OP and her OH are 25.


----------



## FestiveFuzz (26 June 2017)

Clodagh said:



			Not many people have finished uni by 20 though, unless they are prodigys.
		
Click to expand...




Moomin1 said:



			OP and her OH are 25.
		
Click to expand...

Yes sorry, I read it as in their 20s as the OP stated she was 25.


----------



## Libby_x (26 June 2017)

I went to uni a year late and job nothing to do with degree / hasn't really helped me yet. There's no way I could have moved out after uni as was waitressing and had unsteady jobs until past 3 years.


----------



## Moomin1 (26 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			I went to uni a year late and job nothing to do with degree / hasn't really helped me yet. There's no way I could have moved out after uni as was waitressing and had unsteady jobs until past 3 years.
		
Click to expand...

That's exactly what I was doing when I left uni.   Waitress and chambermaid.  Such a poor wage, hence having to live in a grotty bedsit.  

I do think kids have it easier these days and it's not a criticism but it seems alien to so many that they should have to cut their cloth and go without until they are more settled.  

That said, I can understand your predicament with a horse who you say you cannot sell currently.


----------



## ycbm (26 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			I've always had a horse and not in a position I can sell the horse I've got now. There's no way I could afford to rent anywhere around me with my current situation.
		
Click to expand...

Whereabouts are you?


----------



## Libby_x (26 June 2017)

Northamptonshire. I don't mean the rent is particularly high compared to other places but I just don't have enough spare money at present to rent. I do budget and work out what I've got each month but renting right now would land me with a big credit card.


----------



## Chloeap (26 June 2017)

Merlod said:



			I am about your age and I agree entirely, out of my friend group 1 is renting and 1 is in the process or buying her first house with her partner (+ big help from her parents) it's very difficult. I moved back home after splitting with my last partner who I rented house with; I dont see the point in moving out currently as I cant afford to buy and dont want to plough all my money into renting somewhere on my lonesome when I get on well with my parents and to be completely honest I am happy to be back in my large, rural childhood home (no waking up to having my car broken into/smashed!)
		
Click to expand...

I agree with this. I'm also still living at home at 23, not rushing to move out as I'd have to live on my own and I get on with my parents. It also means I can afford to pursue my eventing dreams, which from a non-horsey family I've never been able to do. One day I'd like a family and I don't feel I'd be able to juggle that with a horse, so I really do feel that now is the best time to give eventing a go and I simply couldn't afford that and living alone. Everyone has their own priorities though!


----------



## DabDab (26 June 2017)

Moomin1 said:



			That's exactly what I was doing when I left uni.   Waitress and chambermaid.  Such a poor wage, hence having to live in a grotty bedsit.  

I do think kids have it easier these days and it's not a criticism but it seems alien to so many that they should have to cut their cloth and go without until they are more settled.  

That said, I can understand your predicament with a horse who you say you cannot sell currently.
		
Click to expand...

And that was your choice. I can't see much difference between a bedsit/shared house and paying your family rent TBH. I moved out when I was 17, but I didn't live on my own, and for first few years I was housed by work. When I was first on my own I was restricted to a disintegrating caravan on a potato farm because it was the only accommodation I could afford where I was allowed to have my dog. I could've got rid of the dog, or let my parents have her, but I didn't want to - so I lived in a leaky caravan with a loo that froze over and a non functioning cooker - that was my choice.


----------



## cbmcts (26 June 2017)

In fairness, those talking about being independent in their 20s are now probably at least mid 30s if not older - I bought my first flat when I was 23, earning £12k or thereabouts and while it felt like the national debt of a small country at the time and interest rates were a lot higher it was very affordable. IIRC I had a 10% deposit - £4K!!! - but all the fees and survey costs were added to the mortgage so I didn't have to save them. £4k was hard enough at the time. If I was that age now, earning a graduate salary of £20 - 25K, there is no way I could afford to save the deposit and fees and pay rent even if I could afford the payments on a mortgage of £120K unless I lived on next to nothing ie at home for a few years...and even then it would be tough. And I've never had student loan repayments either. It ain't easy or cheap to start adult life now.

By the sounds of things, the OP has the problem that she isn't going to earn enough in the near future to live independently AND keep a horse. Her OH doesn't like this but he is also living at home and spending rather than saving his disposable income so can he afford to live independently either if he doesn't want to sit in rather than go to the pub? If both gave up their hobbies to firstly save, then pay the bills ( never underestimate just how much a house costs to run especially when you own it) would either of them be happy with that lifestyle in the long term?  It's very easy to think that you should be hitting all the milestones of adult life at certain ages/points in your careers but life often doesn't work like that. Imagine for a moment that you forget about buying a house right now and that you didn't need a rental deposit/LA fees could you, as a couple afford to run a house and pay all the bills? If not, moving in together just isn't an option right now. It really comes down to priorities, yours is to keep your horse - nothing wrong with that, as you say you've had horses all your life, they matter a lot to you - but you are prioritising the horse over moving on with your relationship and financial independence which your OH doesn't like. It's not really about an extra few quid a week, it's about yours and his priorities being different and that will always cause issues. 

Now, as you said investing that few quid in livery if it allows you to earn more and progress your career to a point where you can afford both the horse and a house is a good thing but you need to talk to your OH and see if you can compromise on a timeline to move in together. Both of you are entitled to want different things but for the future of your relationship you do need to be able to discuss these things rationally and sensibly - moving in together is only the very first part of a life time of consideration and compromise. If you can't sort this out now both of you might be finding out that you aren't compatable. This doesn't make either of you bad people or selfish, just not right for each other at this point in your lives. Sad but a lot better to find out now rather than when you have a joint mortgage.


----------



## Moomin1 (26 June 2017)

DabDab said:



			And that was your choice. I can't see much difference between a bedsit/shared house and paying your family rent TBH. I moved out when I was 17, but I didn't live on my own, and for first few years I was housed by work. When I was first on my own I was restricted to a disintegrating caravan on a potato farm because it was the only accommodation I could afford where I was allowed to have my dog. I could've got rid of the dog, or let my parents have her, but I didn't want to - so I lived in a leaky caravan with a loo that froze over and a non functioning cooker - that was my choice.
		
Click to expand...

Actually, it wasn't my choice.


----------



## DabDab (26 June 2017)

Moomin1 said:



			Actually, it wasn't my choice.
		
Click to expand...

Ok, then I don't see the relevance to the OP's situation or your comment about young people.

There are all sorts of interesting and different ways that people choose to live their lives. Can't we judge people by what they've had the guts and ambition to go out and make happen rather than by the amount of sacrifices they've made?


----------



## Moomin1 (26 June 2017)

DabDab said:



			Ok, then I don't see the relevance to the OP's situation or your comment about young people.

There are all sorts of interesting and different ways that people choose to live their lives. Can't we judge people by what they've had the guts and ambition to go out and make happen rather than by the amount of sacrifices they've made?
		
Click to expand...

The relevance being that not everyone can have everything they want without working up to it in life.  Not necessarily talking about OP here but the general attitude of some posts on this thread.


----------



## Abi90 (26 June 2017)

I think the OP is lucky to have such supportive parents. My parents would not be happy about me increasing spending on a horse if it meant prolonging the amount of time I lived with them. In fact my Dad definitely would have made me sell the horse.

I'm only 2 years older than the OP but I left home at 18 for uni, came back for 6 months until I found the first job that paid enough for me to move out (was pretty much forced into it as Dad was going to charge me £500 a month rent to live with them) and moved 120 miles away to somewhere I knew no one and had to live alone. As you can tell by that, having a horse would not have been tolerated as horses are a luxury after bills and after you have saved enough to move out. It before.

I then got a higher paid job and saved enough to buy a house and a horse at 25. Whilst not living with parents. 

The OP is lucky to be in the position she is with parents that will support her hobby even if it is increasing the amount of time she lives at home. My parents were perhaps particularly unsupportive but I'm better off financially because of it.


----------



## TheOldTrout (26 June 2017)

OP, I might have missed this in the long thread, but have you and your OH spoken yet about what happened when he blew up at you about the horse costs?


----------



## Libby_x (26 June 2017)

Yes, he still thinks horses are a stupid hobby but I've made it clear that my plan is to start my own savings, budget myself and progress at work. 

I think most of the men in my family frown upon the horses but they just put up and shut up. 

I guess it is never totally fair but then if he had an expensive hobby, I would promote it and try to support him as although I don't mind the pub, I think I'd prefer him to have a healthier hobby &#128514;


----------



## rachk89 (26 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			Yes, he still thinks horses are a stupid hobby but I've made it clear that my plan is to start my own savings, budget myself and progress at work. 

I think most of the men in my family frown upon the horses but they just put up and shut up. 

I guess it is never totally fair but then if he had an expensive hobby, I would promote it and try to support him as although I don't mind the pub, I think I'd prefer him to have a healthier hobby &#55357;&#56834;
		
Click to expand...

Tell him he's stupid and see how he likes it.

My boyfriend has only been with me for 2 months, but he was helping me train my horse to load at the weekend and he has never even worked with horses. He was actually really helpful too and got the horse loaded several times. 

I know which guy I would rather have.


----------



## TheOldTrout (26 June 2017)

He thinks an important part of your life is 'a stupid hobby'? That doesn't sound like the two of you are terribly compatible, to be honest. Maybe he has some sterling qualities that you haven't mentioned here.


----------



## SO1 (26 June 2017)

You are very lucky to have the opportunity to live at home, as this allows you to enjoy your horse as well as building up your career.  I would stay there as long as possible to make the most of it while you can. The more money you can save the better or if you are not saving money then enjoy having the horse and take all opportunities you have whilst you have the chance.  If you do decide to sell your horse at a later date to prioritise your relationship or house purchase then you may look back and wish you had used the time you did have with your horse to do as much as possible whilst you have the chance.

Most people have to make sacrifices in their life at sometime, and some people will chose horses first as they feel the pleasure of owning a horse outweighs other options, or perhaps their horse has helped them though a difficult time and they feel they owe to the horse try and secure its future, and some people will decide to give up horses for a while to concentrate on a career, relationship or to purchase a house.  There is no right answer as not everyone is the same, you have to work out what the right path is for you.


----------



## Moomin1 (26 June 2017)

rachk89 said:



			Tell him he's stupid and see how he likes it.

My boyfriend has only been with me for 2 months, but he was helping me train my horse to load at the weekend and he has never even worked with horses. He was actually really helpful too and got the horse loaded several times. 

I know which guy I would rather have.
		
Click to expand...

And personally insulting him would be ok would it? He hasn't called her stupid, he's said he thinks horses as a hobby are stupid. And? Big deal! 

As for your guy helping out...well after only 2 mths together of course he will.  He's trying to impress you and it's all lovely and shiny and new.  Come back to us in 4 yrs and see if he is still as helpful..because that will be the real test of reality.


----------



## rachk89 (26 June 2017)

Moomin1 said:



			And personally insulting him would be ok would it? He hasn't called her stupid, he's said he thinks horses as a hobby are stupid. And? Big deal! 

As for your guy helping out...well after only 2 mths together of course he will.  He's trying to impress you and it's all lovely and shiny and new.  Come back to us in 4 yrs and see if he is still as helpful..because that will be the real test of reality.
		
Click to expand...

Because he's not insulting her by calling HER hobby stupid? Yes he is. He doesnt have to be calling her stupid, he is still insulting her.

And I would still rather have the helpful one than the one who insults me and my hobby. Its a better basis for a relationship than a guy who insults you.


----------



## sjp1 (26 June 2017)

Honestly - I think that unless you are loaded or have nothing else in your life that you have to spend money on then going on part of full livery is a luxury.

I haven't read all the replies but have had horses for years on DIY which has meant I am up at 5.30 am to do them the first part of the day and then back at night to finish it all off - during that time I have either paid YO £1 to get mine in or done favours for someone else so they get them in.

To be honest its your hobby and your cost and I absolutely don't blame your partner for not being happy about you deciding you can't now look after them and are paying yet more money for full livery.  I would guess he is looking to the future and I certainly wouldn't want a long term future with someone who was wasting money by putting their horses on full livery when they were strapped for cash and living at home when they could potentially just get up earlier and put in a few more hours.

Just my opinion, but if you are still living at home and relying on your parents to support you and your horse than maybe having a proper relationship is not really going to be possible with someone who is not horsey.


----------



## Moomin1 (26 June 2017)

rachk89 said:



			Because he's not insulting her by calling HER hobby stupid? Yes he is. He doesnt have to be calling her stupid, he is still insulting her.

And I would still rather have the helpful one than the one who insults me and my hobby. Its a better basis for a relationship than a guy who insults you.
		
Click to expand...

Erm, no, I don't think that is personally insulting.  I think my OH having flutters on racing is stupid.  I also tell him I can't stick formula one when he watches that. He can't understand why I like having a horse.  He says it's a stupid hobby. You know what, we are both mature enough to realise we are not one and the same person, and that it's perfectly ok to have separate interests.  Crikey, we even  (shock horror) manage to have a good old laugh at each other over it...

7 years on and 2 kids we are going perfectly strong...


----------



## Libby_x (26 June 2017)

sjp1 said:



			Honestly - I think that unless you are loaded or have nothing else in your life that you have to spend money on then going on part of full livery is a luxury.

I haven't read all the replies but have had horses for years on DIY which has meant I am up at 5.30 am to do them the first part of the day and then back at night to finish it all off - during that time I have either paid YO £1 to get mine in or done favours for someone else so they get them in.

To be honest its your hobby and your cost and I absolutely don't blame your partner for not being happy about you deciding you can't now look after them and are paying yet more money for full livery.  I would guess he is looking to the future and I certainly wouldn't want a long term future with someone who was wasting money by putting their horses on full livery when they were strapped for cash and living at home when they could potentially just get up earlier and put in a few more hours.

Just my opinion, but if you are still living at home and relying on your parents to support you and your horse than maybe having a proper relationship is not really going to be possible with someone who is not horsey.
		
Click to expand...

Don't know if you've read the thread? It's £10-15 extra a week for part livery (Monday to Friday) and I'll probabaly save that on petrol as I end up going twice a day in the winter. You make it sound like I can't be bothered when that's not the case. The other benefit is I get to spend more time progressing at work and allows me to do more overtime also.


----------



## DabDab (26 June 2017)

Moomin1 said:



			The relevance being that not everyone can have everything they want without working up to it in life.  Not necessarily talking about OP here but the general attitude of some posts on this thread.
		
Click to expand...

OK, yes...I see your point


----------



## Cecile (26 June 2017)

Life has changed since I was young (I'm wondering if I should invest in a mobility scooter for putting out hay in the winter)

Parents and their offspring often share the family home for so much longer now and really get on with each other and B/F's and G/F's seem to stay over quite happily (My Dad would of skinned anyone trying to sleep in my bedroom when I lived at home lol)

I couldn't wait to leave home as it meant freedom, independence and a chance to do anything I wanted to, I needed to explore the world (I was living in the Middle East by the time I was 20 and enjoying every minute) now people can do all that whilst living at home

I know people living at home with their parents well into their 30's with no hassle at all and with no pressure whatsoever to leave, they have all the freedom they want, good jobs, save money, go on great holidays, have terrific hobbies, pay into the household and have a very healthy relationship with their parents.  Why not stay longer with that setup in place, it must work well otherwise either the parents would be suggesting they leave or they would be desperate to move out

This isn't a rehearsal for life, this is your life so enjoy every minute if possible, planning for the future should be exciting, hard work but oh so rewarding......

My husband often jokes that couldn't we just stuff £50 notes down the horses throats to cut out the middle man of constantly waiting for someone to turn up at the stables.  His hobby is deep sea diving, the cost of my hobby is a drop in the ocean compared to his hobby ~ pun intended


----------



## rachk89 (26 June 2017)

Moomin1 said:



			Erm, no, I don't think that is personally insulting.  I think my OH having flutters on racing is stupid.  I also tell him I can't stick formula one when he watches that. He can't understand why I like having a horse.  He says it's a stupid hobby. You know what, we are both mature enough to realise we are not one and the same person, and that it's perfectly ok to have separate interests.  Crikey, we even  (shock horror) manage to have a good old laugh at each other over it...

7 years on and 2 kids we are going perfectly strong... 

Click to expand...

But thats your relationship. Thats not whats happening here is it? He's calling her hobby stupid and it sounds like she doesnt like that. They had an argument over the finances of something that he doesnt contribute to, its not his business. What works in your relationship doesnt work in others, because not everyone is the same. In your relationship, you're saying it in jest. In this relationship, the OP states at the beginning that he has a big grudge against her horse and it makes her feel rubbish and like she wants to quit. In what way is that a good healthy relationship, to make your partner feel like crap over something they enjoy?


----------



## Moomin1 (26 June 2017)

rachk89 said:



			But thats your relationship. Thats not whats happening here is it? He's calling her hobby stupid and it sounds like she doesnt like that. They had an argument over the finances of something that he doesnt contribute to, its not his business. What works in your relationship doesnt work in others, because not everyone is the same. In your relationship, you're saying it in jest. In this relationship, the OP states at the beginning that he has a big grudge against her horse and it makes her feel rubbish and like she wants to quit. In what way is that a good healthy relationship, to make your partner feel like crap over something they enjoy?
		
Click to expand...

Err, no I definitely don't say it in jest.  I genuinely can't stand formula one lol.  I leave the room when he watches it and likewise he does if I put anything horsey on TV.  Couples don't glide through life long relationships making each other happy all the time. Rows happen. Things get said. They have differences. It's real life, not a fairy tale.  The real test of love is whether that couple make it through those issues without having to agree on every single thing.  Anyone who believes couples live in blissful harmony and equilibrium all the time have a big shock ahead of them.


----------



## ycbm (26 June 2017)

Moomin1 said:



			Err, no I definitely don't say it in jest.  I genuinely can't stand formula one lol.  I leave the room when he watches it and likewise he does if I put anything horsey on TV.  Couples don't glide through life long relationships making each other happy all the time. Rows happen. Things get said. They have differences. It's real life, not a fairy tale.  The real test of love is whether that couple make it through those issues without having to agree on every single thing.  Anyone who believes couples live in blissful harmony and equilibrium all the time have a big shock ahead of them.
		
Click to expand...

Don't they just  !!!


----------



## AShetlandBitMeOnce (26 June 2017)

I am 21, I live with my mum. We get along well, both have our own money and both live essentially completely separate lives. I did have a horse on a part-ish livery that I could afford but I didn't save much at that time. And the thought process was that I had always been desperate for one, I fell in love with him and I have the rest of my life to have a house/mortgage/nice cars etc. I wanted a few years where I could just have fun and indulge in what I love. 

As it happens it didn't last nearly as long as I would have loved it to as he was sadly PTS, and I won't get another now for several reasons, one being that I would like to save money. But to be honest, I will move out before I am 30, and I will save as much as I can, but I am in no desperate rush to move out and mum isn't either. She agrees that rent is dead money. It might be that I move out in two years or seven years, who really cares. What is this mad rush about?  

Different things work for different people, me and mum live together but it isn't like living at home really with a whole family, we have independent lives and I am happy.    I don't see a huge issue with that?


----------



## Sussexbythesea (26 June 2017)

"He hasn't saved a penny and I wish he did have a hobby as most of the money for him goes on the pub. However... His parents can give him a helping hand more than mine so I may be a couple of years behind without the help he might soon get." 

Regardless of what he thinks about horses, how dare he have a go at the OP about her spending when he saves nothing and is spending it all in the pub while he awaits a hand out from his mummy and daddy. This is not the kind of behaviour which bodes well or personally I could ever respect. Nothing wrong with a parental helping hand but not whilst peeing your money away - talk about hypocritical!


----------



## tankgirl1 (27 June 2017)

Libby_x said:



			Hi all, 

Partner has gone mad as I want to go on full livery (5 days a week). 

I've added up DIY costs and it's about £60-70 a week once I include bedding, feed, hay so on. 

Full livery is £85 and means I get to go back on a livery yard, have better facilities and more help around a full time job.

Both 25 and still at home. When he realised how much DIY totals up to he has gone mad before even entertaining the idea of going on 5 day livery. 

What do you all do when your partner has a big grudge about you having a horse? It makes me feel rubbish and like I should sell and give up but I've always had horses and can't imagine life without?!
		
Click to expand...

Bye bye! My life, my ponies, get knotted you snot face! Is what I would do/say 


I'd do a Rik Mayall sneer too!


----------



## LadyGascoyne (27 June 2017)

Moomin1 said:



			Anyone who believes couples live in blissful harmony and equilibrium all the time have a big shock ahead of them.
		
Click to expand...




ycbm said:



			Don't they just  !!!
		
Click to expand...

A thought that has occurred to me so many times throughout this thread.

I am not sure I can agree with the "don't compromise" and "tell him to like it or lump it" rhetoric. Not for me, but I do understand that how everyone runs their relationship is differently.

I'm also not keen on the whole "if you give up something for him, you'll resent him." To me, resentment is something you allow yourself to create. If you give up something, you do it graciously and you understand that it is your choice, regardless of the outcome.

I've given up a lot more than horses for my husband, but I think if you really love someone, you do anything to make it work. It's never been a question for me, my relationship comes first.

P.S ycbm, I might need to borrow that walking stick from you- I think we've got quite similar views on relationships &#128514;


----------



## Auslander (27 June 2017)

I'm a little cautious about men who don't support my horsey hobby (even more so, now that they are my main income!). My ex husband was always a bit anti, but I put up with it. When he divorced me, one of the points he made (in a very lengthy document that picked up 1001 awful things I did that made his life a misery) was that I prioritised feeding/caring for the horses, over feeding/caring for him.

His dislike of my main passion was funny while it was just him having a whinge, but not quite so amusing when it was brought up in court! It makes me laugh now, but it was a bit of a shocker at the time - even though the judge sad that most people understood that animals were more likely to die if they weren't fed, than husbands.

I guess that what I'm trying to say is that, if the horse is already a bit of an issue, it's only going to get worse. Only you can decide where your priorities lie.


----------



## ManBearPig (27 June 2017)

The only advice I have currently is do NOT jump straight into buying a house together, even if it means "wasting" money renting for a while. Living together WILL make or break the relationship, and if it breaks it (I'm not by any means saying it will, but you just don't know with these things as it adds a very different dynamic to the relationship), both of you will be much better off if you can just sever the tenancy and get on with your lives.


----------



## ycbm (27 June 2017)

LadyGascoyne said:



			P.S ycbm, I might need to borrow that walking stick from you- I think we've got quite similar views on relationships &#128514;
		
Click to expand...

You'll have to buy your own, I'm afraid.  I need it to bat my husband with next time he drags me to another bloody steam fair!


----------



## DabDab (27 June 2017)

ycbm said:



			You'll have to buy your own, I'm afraid.  I need it to bat my husband with next time he drags me to another bloody steam fair!
		
Click to expand...

Whoa there!
First there's moomin dissing formula 1 and now you don't like steam fairs :O :O .....I'm sorry but the pair of you are quite clearly not of the right mind to comment on hobbies, interests or life in general....


----------



## ycbm (27 June 2017)

DabDab said:



			Whoa there!
First there's moomin dissing formula 1 and now you don't like steam fairs :O :O .....I'm sorry but the pair of you are quite clearly not of the right mind to comment on hobbies, interests or life in general....
		
Click to expand...

But you like getting your hands dirty rolling aluminium for a living. I hardly think you are in a position to judge two paragons of virtue like Moomin and me!  Get a real job in a office, then you can comment


----------



## DabDab (27 June 2017)

ycbm said:



			But you like getting your hands dirty rolling aluminium for a living. I hardly think you are in a position to judge two paragons of virtue like Moomin and me!  Get a real job in a office, then you can comment 

Click to expand...

Hey! Too far 
(Anyway, I do have an office - that's where I go to look at all my pretty data that the mills spit out....mmm...I do love data)
Ah well, next time I see a steamroller holding up traffic with a man on the back being beaten I'll be sure to say hi


----------

