# help with bereavement



## somo (18 June 2008)

Hi could do with some advice,lost my mare a month ago on friday and finding it very difficult to cope with her not being around. changed jobs and hours so i could ride her every day and be with her,how do i cope with the hugh hole that i feel inside.Broken hearted xx


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## toffeesmarty (18 June 2008)

Time is the only thing I'm afraid. I have lost two in my lifetime. One was PTS due to illness and the other had to be PTS whilst I was trapped underneath due to a freak accident. 
The pain does go away and when you know its the right time you will be ready to start again. Take every day one at a time, greave but remember all the nice things. 

Also, if you feel this bad you would have been a great mum to your horse.


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## somo (18 June 2008)

Thank you for your kind words i hope with time it does get easier i hate feeling like this,she was an amazing loving gentle mare who just happened to be my best friend.
Thanks take care x


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## Hels_Bels (18 June 2008)

the upset you are feeling will pass in time, you just have to give it time and to think of all those great memories you had 2gether! 
We lost our mare who was sooo special to us, a few months ago just after she had foaled, losing her was soo hard as we have bred her from our other mare and she was such a good eventer, been with her 13yrs.

It will get easier in time! i promise! she's up in heaven watching over you!


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## Cuffey (18 June 2008)

Sorry to hear of your loss
It is very hard to come to terms especially perhaps your first horse/pony
You may find some comfort from the IH Forum reading Rainbow Bridge--poems etc
http://ihdg.proboards91.com/index.cgi


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## voicesforhorses (18 June 2008)

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I am just passing on this information in case it helps.

Support for bereaved pet owners:

The Pet Bereavement Support Service is a telephone helpline and email service that offers such support to bereaved pet owners, through a national network of trained volunteer befrienders.

http://www.bluecross.org.uk/web/site/Memorial/MemorialIntro.asp

Support is available for anyone who who has lost a pet, or is about to part with a pet, through the Pet Bereavement Support Service run by The Blue Cross and The Society for Companion Animal Studies (SCAS)

Kindest wishes
Emma


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## 0 (18 June 2008)

you can only help yourself im afraid there is no wrong or right answer everyone deals with things in there own time and there own way you cant really try a method of greif because thats not natural to you.

time is the only thing that helps and even though you will move on you will never forget x x x x x big hugs to you by the way.


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## Bess (18 June 2008)

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss and I know it is tough to deal with.   I think everyone has given you great advice, and you have to get through it your own way.  

My way was to get another horse quite quickly, within a couple of months because I loved having a horse.   I just thanked my previous horse in my mind for all the experience he had given me and the fun we had together and that hopefully he had made me a better rider and horse owner than I was before.   I hope that helps you.


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## minerva (18 June 2008)

10 weeks since i suddenly lost my Jack and i get upset about him nearly everyday, it is just horrible and i really feel for you ((((((hug))))) i have bought a new horse, two weeks ago and to be honest i find it difficult with him as he is just not Jack and is different in nearly every way, apart form both being ginger - i do really love him but he just does everthing upside down and inside out 
	
	
		
		
	


	




 - its just weird!

When Jack had first gone, i just didnt know what to do with my mornings, no mucking out! but luckily i have some really good friends and they all encouraged me to keep going to the yard and help and ride their horses - it helped fill the bloody great hole Jack left.

And i have his ashes back, that nearly broke my heart, but he is here with me, its comforting in an odd way, when i have weeded the flower bed i will plant a tree for him and place his ashes there, but i am not ready to do that yet.

Hopefully you will find a way to fill the hole your special girl has left
xxxxxx


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## Murphy3 (18 June 2008)

So sorry to hear about you losing your mare.  I agree with people above who said time is the only healer - they are such a huge part of our lives the loss and shock you are experiencing now must be enormous.

At some time in the future when you feel ready maybe you can celebrate her life in some way and the great times you had with her - I'm sure she was a wonderful companion to you.


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## Bubblegum (18 June 2008)

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. You have already had some very good advice, all of which I would agree with.
Having recently been through a personal bereavement I would just like to add that what you are experiencing is a very real condition. It is strange that when a human being dies, we are given lots of help from friends, doctors, colleagues etc, etc. But when an animal dies, it is not the same. 
However, rest assured that the emotions you have are an actual medical condition, and totally natural. Do not feel isolated or in any way ashamed to feel the way you do.
If you can possibly talk over your loss with like-minded people it will help... also if you are feeling very low, please don't discount going to see your doctor or nurse at your GP surgery. They really can help you.
Time. Its the best thing.... may time pass quickly for you so that you begin to heal.
xx


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## catembi (18 June 2008)

So sorry for you.  I lost Catembi (in avatar) in Feb 2007 after losing a hard fought battle with bowel disease.

I can honestly say that it's the worst &amp; hardest thing that's ever happened to me, &amp; I don't know how I'd have got through it without the people on here.  No-one can truly understand what it's like unless they've gone through the horror of it themselves.

Don't feel that you've got to 'get over' it.  I only started to get back to any sort of mental normality once I began to accept that 'normal' from now on was going to be fundamentally different from how 'normal' was before.  It's as if my perspective on *everything* has now shifted a few degrees.

I got another horse a few months later &amp; I'm doing all the stuff I used to do with Cat.  He has similar breeding to Cat, looks like him &amp; rides like him, so it's as if I've got some sort of continuity.  I wasn't ready to see a head that wasn't grey looking out over the stable door.

Please PM me if you'd like to.  Losing Cat hit me harder than I'd have believed possible, so I know exactly where you're coming from.

My most heartfelt sympathy.

T xxxx


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## morgan4eva (18 June 2008)

I lost my beautiful boy very suddenly (on a XC course) in March.  Felt absolutely desparate for the first few weeks; constantly thinking about him, and crying all the time (non horsey people dont understand).  However, now I am able to talk about him without crying and smile when I think about his little quirks - I still miss him so much - but that feeling of emptiness has passed and I can spend time enjoying my wonderful memories of him.  I'm afraid it is only time which is the healer.


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## gothdolly (18 June 2008)

Im really sorry. I agree with getting another one quickly but I would advise not getting one that looks like your mare. I have known someone at our yard do this, and although the horse looked like her previous one, it was nothing like it in temperament and she was very unhappy with him.

Edited to say: I dont take my own advice as I seem to compulsively buy greys ....


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## Darkhorse (19 June 2008)

I lost a horse 9 years ago in a freak accident. It was a really awful time and I missed him terribly.

These days I still think of him oftern and smile to myself about his little quirks and the fun that we had.

I had lots of good horsey friends around me that kept me entertained and busy and I helped them with their horses until I bought my current horse who I have had ever since.

Time will heal x


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## Sal_E (19 June 2008)

Everyone copes with grief differently so don't worry about whether what you are thinking &amp; feeling is 'normal'. It does get easier, you're not going mad but you do have to be patient - you will come out the other side. I lost my cat 7 years ago, she was 18 months old &amp; killed by a car - I still can't say her name or look at a photo of her - so good on all the people who are quickly able to smile at the memory of a loved one. As I say, we're all different, but it does get easier eventually x


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## Twigben (19 June 2008)

Somo i am truely very sorry.  I lost my mare very very suddenly to grass sickness 2 years ago and my boy last year (a year on 2 August) i miss them everyday and think about them all the time.  I have photos of them everywhere.  I took a week off work - i truely couldnt cope.  I didnt know what to do or how to cope.  I started by trying to find ways remember them , i threw myself into making a memorial - i brought a tree and planted it, made an album of all my memories - photos, dressage sheets, browband etc etc.  Time is a great healer, it will hurt but i can honestly say that the hurt does begin to fade and the fond happy memories flood back - i find talking about them helps, remembering them fondly makes me feel close to them.

So sorry for you, if you need anything just PM me. x


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## ironhorse (25 June 2008)

Big hugs Somo - it is incredibly tough.
My old hunter was put down last year - altho he wasn't very old he'd got a lot of miles on the clock and just wouldn't come sound.
He'd had a good summer nannying livery horses out in the field, but when the corn started to turn and the hounds (we're about a mile from the hunt kennels) started singing for their morning exercise he coundn't understand why we weren't getting him in and fit for the new season.
We made the right decision for him and I found that sitting down and writing his life story really helped.
Remembering what your mare has given to you really helps - I'm not sure I ever want to hunt another horse but he taught me so much that I rely on regularly - how to cope with a fit, fresh horse out hacking, how to school a spooky one constructively on a windy night. 

Then someone I know only slightly remarked how much they'd enjoyed seeing us out hunting (the horse was a distinctive kind of guy!) and rather than breaking down as I expected I just felt so proud.


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## william1901 (26 June 2008)

Hi I lost my girl a month ago today and its awful. I cry every day. I have got another horse - not to replace her but to make sure that my routine is the same and he does get lots of love and kisses and he is a completely different horse. Time will heal the hurt and I have to say I am not in any rush for that to happen - the grief kindof keeps her close to me. I buried her ashes with a new white rose (she was white and called Rose) bush in our garden and I lavish it with lots of care. Dont try to suppress your grief, look at pictures of her and talk to her. If you can get another horse to keep you busy and if you can't see if a friend will let you help with theirs or get one on loan. I hope this helps. Pm me if you want to.


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## andrewharris (15 September 2010)

A  pet bereavement counselor  may be able to help.


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## badgerdog (15 September 2010)

So sorry to hear of your loss, I've lost two horses in my lifetime and they leave such a gap.  I know this doesn't work for everyone but I've gone out and got another horse quite quickly.  If you've only had the one horse, when you lose it, you also lose your lifestyle.  Getting another horse would in no way replace your mare, but it will help you get your lifestyle back and give you something to focus on.
Seeing a bereavement counsellor may also be helfpul.  I didn't see one about my horses but I did when my dad died and it helped.


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## MissySmythe (15 September 2010)

So very sorry for your loss. Can only offer sympathy as everyone else. It is true that time heals. You'll know that has come when the throught of your beloved makes you smile rather than weep. It can take a long time though. 

One of the things that is so difficult is that other people seem to understand the loss of a person, but less the loss of a horse unless they understand that special partnership they give us. We have them for such a short time yet they give us so much and add so much to our lives. They give and give and never take, that's the gift of loving horses. 

The only thing that stopped me crying to some extent on the loss of my most beloved mare some years ago was that when she was alive she used to get quite upset if she felt that I was. I still miss her putting her head in my arms and leaning there. I can feel that now and smell her breath. 

Your girl was a gift, you'll treasure her memory always I know. She's there in your thoughts. 

Cyber hug x


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## Kerregan Infinnity (16 September 2010)

I know where everyone is coming from. I lost my beloved mare a year ago almost to the day, just the night before I rode her and it was totally unexpected, she was only 10 and in her prime.  Because we loved this horse we bred  her (as myself and sister shared her) so we could each have our own horse, but avoid the arguements of who get her and who got the short straw fo the bought horse.

Her son who was 3 and was going to astart his trainign suddenly died of grass sickness, totally un related to his mum about 2 months ago.  This was awful as he was a spitting image and our strand of hope and memory.

Our only consolation is that not many people get to have 'THAT' special horse in their life time, I was lucky enough to have 2, Mum and her Son.  Time is a healer and I have now got a new horse, totally different, and new challenge and it has helped take the pain away ever so slightly!


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## Archangel (16 September 2010)

I had to have one of my oldies PTS the day before yesterday so I know exactly where you are.  

It is the morning and evening when I would normally be attending to him that I am lost, I have other horses but there was part of the routine that was specifically his and it is that time that I find myself really missing him.  I have managed to look at photos of him, even the ones taken on the day he was put down, which surprised me, but I went to hang his rug up and just stood there hugging it and crying.

Looking back on other animals that I have lost, I can now think of them and smile and laugh at their funny ways. 

Take care. There seems to be a lot of us in the same boat right now.


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## maggy-may (16 September 2010)

I am sorry to hear off your loss, like said in previous posts the pain will heel in time. What helped me through it was knowing that when my mare was with me i knew she was happy and gave her all the love and care she could possibly ask for, so at least i knew she went being content with life. In your own time you will be able to move on and care for another horse which is needing all the care you are willing to give,as there are so many off them out there in very bad situations looking for loving homes just like yours had.


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## millhouse (16 September 2010)

I'm so sorry for you.  I feel like that with the loss of any of my animals, but time will aleviate the immensity of the loss.  God bless!


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## Alec Swan (20 September 2010)

The only thing which I can tell you,  with any certainty,  is that the time will never come when it doesn't matter,  BUT the time will come when you find out how to cope.  It WILL happen for you.  Promise.

Alec.


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